Chapter 7
Kermit darted past Fozzie, Scooter, Robin, Gonzo, and the horse without a word.
The five of them exchanged looks of confusion as Kermit pulled an about-face and returned to their position. “Scooter, load up the things—” Kermit started.
“We don’t have any things,” Scooter said.
“Erm… well, load up Fozzie! We’ve got a mission!” Kermit said quickly.
“A mission?” everyone (except the horse, of course) asked in unison.
“But Uncle Kermit,” Robin said, “I thought you were going to marry the princess!”
‘I was, Robin,” Kermit said. “Well… I am—erm, that is, I hope to. That’s why we’re going on the mission, you see.”
Gonzo’s eyes widened. “Does that mean if I go on the mission, I could marry the princess?” he asked wildly.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “No, I’m afraid not,” he said.
The Duke of Wherever sighed. He then shrugged with a much happier tone. “Well… she’s not the only pig in the sty!” he said. “Ha ha!”
Fozzie turned and looked at Kermit. “The princess is a pig, Kermit?” the bear asked. He bit his bottom lip nervously. “I guess that makes her a royal boar! Ahh! Get it? Wocka! Wocka!” Fozzie said, delivering the pun.
“Stop that,” Scooter pleaded with the bear.
“Erm, guys?” Kermit said. “The mission?”
“Right, c’mon guys, we have to focus,” Fozzie said. “Where are we going, Kermit?”
“I’m… not exactly sure,” the frog said.
“Well what’re we looking for?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit cleared his throat. “The jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV,” he said proudly.
“What’s a chalice?” Scooter asked.
“I think it’s a type of bird,” Fozzie said.
“No, no,” Gonzo interjected, “it’s a rare type of cheese!”
“Well whatever it is,” Kermit said, “I’ve got to find it. So who’s with me?”
“I am, boss!” Scooter said eagerly.
“You can count on me too, Kermit!” Fozzie said.
“Yeah, me too!” Gonzo said. “Surely the adventure will be filled with intrigue, danger, suspense—all my favorite subjects! Ha ha!” the weirdo said, laughing wildly.
Kermit frowned. “Gonzo’s right,” he said softly. “Robin,” he turned to his nephew, “this adventure is much too dangerous for a small frog like you!”
Robin gasped. “But Uncle Kermit, I have to go with you!” he whined. “Who else is going to protect you?”
“The question is, young nephew, is who is going to protect you?” Kermit responded.
“You, of course, Uncle Kermit!” Robin said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “But that leaves no one to protect me!” he said.
“I’ll protect you, Kermit!” Fozzie said worriedly.
“Not helping, Fozzie,” the older frog chided gently.
“Please can I go with you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin begged. “I won’t take up much space! Why, you could carry me right in your nap-sack if you wanted!”
“Yes, but then where would I stash my nap?” Kermit asked.
“But I’m the one who needs a nap, Uncle Kermit!” Robin argued. “And I can nap in the sack! See? I even give the bag a purposeful name! I’m already helping!”
Kermit shook his head. “It is out of the question, dear nephew. You simply are not going,” the knight said.
“Uncle Kermit I have to go!” Robin said, now trying to argue the case of reason. “Where will I stay?”
“I’ve got it!” Gonzo said, jumping in between the two frogs. “We can drop him off at my castle in the Land of Wherever! If we leave now he’ll be there just in time for the yogurt gargling competition!”
Kermit stared at his new friend the Duke. “Erm… on second thought… maybe he should come with us.”
“Yay!” Robin chirped joyously, hopping up and down. “Oh, don’t worry, Uncle Kermit! I’ll be as quiet as a mouse, as unseen as the wind, as distant as Albuquerque!”
“Which is already more than you can say for Gonzo,” Scooter said.
Just then, the rumbling feet of Sweetums the Captain of the Guard barreled towards the group. “Sir Kermit!” the monster bellowed. “Wait!”
The guard skidded to a halt in front of the frog and panted heavily. “You… forgot your… sword!” Sweetums pulled out the frog’s gleaming silver sword from behind his back and passed it on to the knight.
“Oh!” Kermit said, taking his sword. “Thank you, Captain Sweetums. You’ve certainly made this journey a lot more… defended.”
“No problem,” Sweetums said, standing proudly. “Good luck on that journey—not that ya have much competition.” Sweetums motioned behind his back with his huge thumb.
Kermit and the others peered around the hulking monster and watched as Link tried (and failed numerous times) to climb up the single step into a carriage being pulled by two horses with Strangepork at the reins.
“C’mon, Link!” Strangepork scolded the dim-witted prince. “You’re letting ze frog get a head schtart!”
As Link slipped on the step again, falling on his empty head, the right (as opposed to wrong?), brown horse whinnied, obviously laughing at the pig. “Get a load of our cargo, Wayne!” the horse (yes, ladies and germs, the horse) said to his partner in a rather obvious Jersey (Joisey?) accent.
His partner—the left, gray horse (apparently named Wayne)—looked back at Link scrambling from the ground. Wayne sighed. “Unbelievable, Geoffrey,” he said with a thick British accent. “How do we always get saddled with such buffoons?”
“Foist of all,” Geoffrey said, “it’s Jeff. Second… we’re horses! Did ya expect us t’get car-seated with the buffoons?” Jeff asked, laughing at his own joke.
Wayne stared at his partner. “What on earth is a car?” he asked.
“Okay!” Link shouted, poking his huge head out of the carriage window. “I’m ready!”
Strangepork rolled his eyes and shook his head. “It’s going to be a long trip…” he muttered.
“Ooh… well I’m warning you now,” Link said, “I need a pit stop at least every hour.”
The reins clacked as Strangepork set the horses hooves moving. They trotted past Kermit and his gang of merry things. Wayne and Jeff looked back at Kermit’s horse as they passed.
“I say,” Wayne said, “certainly doesn’t look like a very smart fellow.”
Kermit frowned. “What’d I ever do to you?” he asked.
“Not you, flippers!” Jeff said. “The four-legged thing you call a horse standin’ behind ya!”
Fozzie rubbed the horse’s snout gently. “Aww, don’t listen to them,” he said. “You’re very smart for a horse! You beat us all in Go Fish, didn’t you?”
Gonzo folded his arms and huffed angrily. “He stacked the deck…”
Link, head still out the window, looked back at Kermit. “Bye, bye hippity-hop! See you at my coronation!”
Kermit’s expression was one of frozen distaste and apathy for the pig. “Good grief,” he sighed finally. “Can we get going, please?”
“Yeah!” Robin said courageously, taking a step down the path (of greatness?). “It’s time to be brave and valiant and find the malice of Queen Fran of Four!”
“That’s the chalice of Queen Francis IV,” Scooter corrected the young frog.
Gonzo gasped. “Where? We’re supposed to be looking for that!”
Kermit scrunched up his face again. He decided the best course of action would be to just climb atop his horse and ride off into the sunset—and hope the others followed.
Just before he could ride off into the sunset (although… it is only midday), Sweetums said his goodbyes to the brave and valiant froggy knight.
“Well, g’bye Kermit!” he said. “Good luck and all—I’ll put in a good word for ya with the castle staff!” he said with a chuckle.
“Thank thee, fair Sweetums,” Kermit said. “Your noble act of nobility shall forever be remembered if I do one day become king!”
“Whatever ya say,” Sweetums grunted. He bent down to Robin’s level and smiled at the little frog. “You be careful out there, okay little buddy?” he said, sweeping Robin into his massive palm. “It’s a dangerous kingdom!”
“Oh, I will, Sweetums!” Robin said eagerly. “I’ll miss you though!”
“Aww,” Sweetums cooed (…Sweetums? Cooing? How strange). “I’ll miss you too pal.”
Just then, a thought doth poppethed into yonder brave and valiant knight’s head. “Hark, Sweetums! A proposal I have for you!”
“Propose? But… Kermit,” Fozzie whispered, “you’re supposed to marry the princess!”
Kermit frowned down at the bear. “Fozzie!” he groaned.
Sweetums looked up at the frog. “What’s yer proposal?” he asked.
“Take care of my nephew Robin while Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, my horse, and I venture out into the dangerous kingdom,” Kermit said. “If you complete this simple task for me, when I return to become king, I shall make you commander of the entire royal army!”
“What?” Sweetums and Robin both shouted.
Sweetums eyes lit up as visions of commanding his very own royal army danced (ravaged?) through his head. “It’s a deal!” he declared happily.
“Oh good,” Kermit said with a smile.
“But Uncle Kermit!” Robin whined heavily. “You said I could go!”
“That’s right, you did say that, Kermit,” Fozzie reminded his friend the frog.
“Yes, nephew Robin—and advisor Fozzie—I did say that,” Kermit said. “But that was before I thought of a much more important mission for you!”
Robin gasped. “A mission?” he asked. “Oh, Uncle Kermit, what is it?” The young frog had clearly forgotten about having been duped by his uncle.
“Young Robin, I need you to not only get to know the entire castle staff, but I also need you to get to know the princess,” Kermit said. “And, uh, maybe help her to know me a little better too,” Kermit said with a goofy smile.
“What a great mission!” Robin said. “Oh boy! I’m gonna get to know everybody!”
“Do me proud, nephew,” Kermit said. “I know you won’t disappoint.”
Kermit turned on the horse and withdrew his sword, shining it in the air picturesquely. “Now, men, let us begin our journey into the unknown! Huzzah!” Kermit shouted.
“Huzzah!” Fozzie, Scooter, and Gonzo responded.
Unfortunately… the huzzahing shocked Kermit’s horse and set him off in a dead bolt into the woods near the castle.
Scooter, Fozzie, and Gonzo stared off as the horse galloped away with their fearful leader. “I think that’s our cue to go,” Gonzo said.
Scooter nodded. “Bye Robin!” he said.
“Bye Scooter! Bye Fozzie! Bye Gonzo!” Robin called after them as they chased after the horse.
Sweetums shook his head. “I dunno who’s gonna make it back from this journey… but I hope it’s the frog,” he said.
“Me too!” Robin added. “My Uncle Kermit’s gonna make a great king!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
“Uncle Deadly! Uncle Deadly!” Polly shouted, barging into Deadly’s inner-sanctum. “The frog and the pig have set off on their journeys!”
Uncle Deadly sulked out from the shadows and grinned wickedly. “Good, good,” he hissed. “Now all that remains is ensuring the frog returns with the chalice and not that idiot pig.”
“How are ya gonna do that, boss?” Polly asked.
“How else?” Deadly asked. “Cheating, of course!”
Clueless shook his head. “Mother said to never cheat!” he said. “…Too bad dad never said that.”
“You three will follow the frog and his friends and do whatever you can to ensure they find that chalice!” Uncle Deadly explained.
“What if they see us?” Monty asked.
Uncle Deadly shrugged carelessly. “Tell them you’re travelling salesmen.”
“But what are we selling?” Clueless asked. “Oh, I hope it’s scented candles!”
“I’ll turn you into a scented candle if you don’t can it!” Deadly hissed.
“Can a candle?” Clueless asked. “Candle in a can… I could sell it!”
“Just go, you idiots!” Uncle Deadly shouted.
“But boss… how’re we gonna know what you want us to do?” Polly asked. “I mean… I dunno if you noticed, but Clueless ain’t exactly da sharpest sword in the sheath!”
“Don’t worry about that,” Deadly said. “If I need to contact you… I will. Now be gone!” the dark wizard told his minions, sending them back down the flight of seemingly endless stairs.
Uncle Deadly turned and tapped his crystal ball with his wand. It flashed to find Kermit getting carried away by his horse. Deadly frowned. “It looks like they’re going to need a lot of help.” He scratched the back of his head with his wand. “…Maybe I should’ve sent someone other than those nincompoops.”
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