Dealing with depression and anxiety

[fuzzygobo]

Let me try one more time, if you'll allow me this much:

I won't sugarcoat and say "Things will get better, grin and bear it".
Doesn't work that way.

But for something that happened 20 years ago, the only way to be free from that, you have to make peace with your past and leave it there. Or you just bring the pain, anger, and bad feelings with you into today. Whoever wronged you back then, you have to forgive them.
It's not easy, but it's the only way to let go of this burden you've been carrying for 20 years.

How do I know? I did the exact same thing you did.
My dad did something when I was 19, and just before my 40th birthday I finally let it go. Carrying hurt, anger, resentment, HATE for 20 years did me absolutely no good. For my 40th birthday I found the strength to forgive him, come to grips with my past, and finally I was free from those bad feelings.
And not a moment too soon. Five months later my dad passed away.

I'm not one to blow smoke up people's butts. But I do want you to find the same peace I did. Not for my sake, but yours.
20 years is long enough to hold on to bad memories.

I've said enough. Thank you for hearing me out.

 

[charlietheowl]

I don't realize why you're so offended by that. It's not that I don't want anyone trying to reach out, I do appreciate that. Very much so.

I have too many problems to deal with and no one wants to give me any direct help. I cannot blame any of you, mind you. I'm referring to people much closer to me who have given me nothing but advice that didn't go anywhere and weren't in the position to give me actual help. And I mean physical help. Really sticking their necks out for me. No. Just "Go to website" "Go to website" only to hear absolutely nothing for years at a time. So I try things out on my own, and no one looks at them. Fine.

I was kinda okay with being that one guy who everything is a constant struggle. I'm fine with the fact that no matter what application to whatever place I've applied to goes straight in the trash the second I leave the store, only for them to hire their drinking buddies what held their hair back when they were barfing up their Jagermeister.

It's just...

When sh** happens to you in middle and high school, it sure as sh** should die like a bad internet meme and not hang around 20 ******g years later. I'm in my freaking mid-30's. Nothing's going right, I can handle. Bringing me back to the worst time in my life for a cheap drive by drunken joke? What's the point?

I can stand being a little angry, I can stand being completely frustrated. I can't take, however, every negative emotion lurking around the corner. Especially when it comes to the immaturity of Axe Spray huffing, Moutain Dew swilling buttcracks who want a cheap laugh at the expense of someone who, I'll admit it, life took a huge dump on.

Still, if you feel like I'm dumping on you for giving me the standard "it gets betters," or "I hope you feel better soons," or the like, I'm not. I'm just saying I know you'll try and I really appreciate it. But in the end, there are things I have to deal with, yet... the last straw was a good thousand tons of straw ago. It's not so much the depression has won so much as its a sore winner playing an arcade game that just looped the 999999999 score that the machine can display furiously.

It stinks that people want to make you relive traumatic moments from your past, and there's nothing worse than being taken for a ride. Sometimes people just want to see others suffer and they don't care about the feelings of the person on the other side of the joke. And society does chew up people and spit them out; it happens to all of us to some extent. The world is a harsh place.

My only advice would be to find something that you can cling to and try to make it an oasis. Like I try to read for a half-hour before I go to bed, so no matter how awful a day I have there's at least 30 minutes of quiet to look to. It doesn't make things on the large picture, but it helps on the daily level and sometimes that's the best you can do.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Mo Frackle]

Just got through on my first day as an intern. Meeting a bunch of extroverted people shoots my anxiety up to 5,000. That recharge period afterwards is so relaxing.

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

It looks like I might not be getting the job at Barnes & Noble after all. The lady on the phone said to me that they are looking for people with experience which I do not have at all.

 

[DramaQueenMokey]

I go back to school tomorrow! My summer wasn't too bad, I don't mind single life and my one internship in the city was great (boss lady who I'm still in contact with was like: focus on your studies and we've been keeping in touch regardless) and I am still interning at the online publication where I've had two different #1 editor's pick articles!

But, my parents really got me down...

I don't want to get into the details but the gist was: I had an anxiety attack over my dad completely ignoring a court order regarding my college payments and then my mom called me stupid and crazy and when I thought she'd left the room I self-harmed (I relapsed a couple weeks prior to this) and, she saw me and that created more issues leading to her continuing to call me stupid and crazy, I dumped a water bottle on her and then she made me help with her English in an attempt to contact my father and it was just all such a mess. I have no love for either of them when, my mom and I were more or less getting along in an understanding when, today my dad went off on my mom (via e-mail) about how he hasn't seen me in 5 years when, that's HIS fault. He keeps claiming that he didn't throw me out when, that is LITERALLY what he did and then refused court-mandated counseling.

I'm more or less over that (that being my dad brushing me off in general); I often casually say in conversation to my friends, "You know how long ago [insert event/memory here] was? My dad used to love me when that happened!"

And going back to today's events, my mom then had me help her with her English again to write a response to my dad via e-mail and suggested to my father that he reach out to me. He didn't reach out to me when I tried to take my life (he called me ridiculous for having attempted calling him early in the morning b/c that was when I was at the hospital) and, I honestly don't have love for either him or my mom.

On that note, I don't know what to believe in or even have faith in, I feel bad because my Abuela almost cried out of joy and was like: 'Yo le pedí tanto a Dios for esto (I asked God so much for this to happen); this being my dad wanting to speak to me again...I keep saying I don't believe in God because if God were real, I would've had parents who loved me and or at least been given up for adoption and placed with parents who would indeed, give their all for me or even, at least had custody granted to my abuelo and abuela.

I just...Ugggh...I just really want to be back at school and lose myself in my school work and internship work.

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

I go back to school tomorrow! My summer wasn't too bad, I don't mind single life and my one internship in the city was great (boss lady who I'm still in contact with was like: focus on your studies and we've been keeping in touch regardless) and I am still interning at the online publication where I've had two different #1 editor's pick articles!

But, my parents really got me down...

I don't want to get into the details but the gist was: I had an anxiety attack over my dad completely ignoring a court order regarding my college payments and then my mom called me stupid and crazy and when I thought she'd left the room I self-harmed (I relapsed a couple weeks prior to this) and, she saw me and that created more issues leading to her continuing to call me stupid and crazy, I dumped a water bottle on her and then she made me help with her English in an attempt to contact my father and it was just all such a mess. I have no love for either of them when, my mom and I were more or less getting along in an understanding when, today my dad went off on my mom (via e-mail) about how he hasn't seen me in 5 years when, that's HIS fault. He keeps claiming that he didn't throw me out when, that is LITERALLY what he did and then refused court-mandated counseling.

I'm more or less over that (that being my dad brushing me off in general); I often casually say in conversation to my friends, "You know how long ago [insert event/memory here] was? My dad used to love me when that happened!"

And going back to today's events, my mom then had me help her with her English again to write a response to my dad via e-mail and suggested to my father that he reach out to me. He didn't reach out to me when I tried to take my life (he called me ridiculous for having attempted calling him early in the morning b/c that was when I was at the hospital) and, I honestly don't have love for either him or my mom.

On that note, I don't know what to believe in or even have faith in, I feel bad because my Abuela almost cried out of joy and was like: 'Yo le pedí tanto a Dios for esto (I asked God so much for this to happen); this being my dad wanting to speak to me again...I keep saying I don't believe in God because if God were real, I would've had parents who loved me and or at least been given up for adoption and placed with parents who would indeed, give their all for me or even, at least had custody granted to my abuelo and abuela.

I just...Ugggh...I just really want to be back at school and lose myself in my school work and internship work.

Congratulations!

 

[charlietheowl]

I go back to school tomorrow! My summer wasn't too bad, I don't mind single life and my one internship in the city was great (boss lady who I'm still in contact with was like: focus on your studies and we've been keeping in touch regardless) and I am still interning at the online publication where I've had two different #1 editor's pick articles!

But, my parents really got me down...

I don't want to get into the details but the gist was: I had an anxiety attack over my dad completely ignoring a court order regarding my college payments and then my mom called me stupid and crazy and when I thought she'd left the room I self-harmed (I relapsed a couple weeks prior to this) and, she saw me and that created more issues leading to her continuing to call me stupid and crazy, I dumped a water bottle on her and then she made me help with her English in an attempt to contact my father and it was just all such a mess. I have no love for either of them when, my mom and I were more or less getting along in an understanding when, today my dad went off on my mom (via e-mail) about how he hasn't seen me in 5 years when, that's HIS fault. He keeps claiming that he didn't throw me out when, that is LITERALLY what he did and then refused court-mandated counseling.

I'm more or less over that (that being my dad brushing me off in general); I often casually say in conversation to my friends, "You know how long ago [insert event/memory here] was? My dad used to love me when that happened!"

And going back to today's events, my mom then had me help her with her English again to write a response to my dad via e-mail and suggested to my father that he reach out to me. He didn't reach out to me when I tried to take my life (he called me ridiculous for having attempted calling him early in the morning b/c that was when I was at the hospital) and, I honestly don't have love for either him or my mom.

On that note, I don't know what to believe in or even have faith in, I feel bad because my Abuela almost cried out of joy and was like: 'Yo le pedí tanto a Dios for esto (I asked God so much for this to happen); this being my dad wanting to speak to me again...I keep saying I don't believe in God because if God were real, I would've had parents who loved me and or at least been given up for adoption and placed with parents who would indeed, give their all for me or even, at least had custody granted to my abuelo and abuela.

I just...Ugggh...I just really want to be back at school and lose myself in my school work and internship work.

Sounds like you're doing a lot with work and it's challenging to balance that with your family life. I hope that once you go back to school you're able to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible and immerse yourself in work. It's a good distraction from family issues, and it's sounds like you have a good measure of success for yourself, which is always exciting. Hope everything goes well for you in the future.

 

[Mo Frackle]

I go back to school tomorrow! My summer wasn't too bad, I don't mind single life and my one internship in the city was great (boss lady who I'm still in contact with was like: focus on your studies and we've been keeping in touch regardless) and I am still interning at the online publication where I've had two different #1 editor's pick articles!

But, my parents really got me down...

I don't want to get into the details but the gist was: I had an anxiety attack over my dad completely ignoring a court order regarding my college payments and then my mom called me stupid and crazy and when I thought she'd left the room I self-harmed (I relapsed a couple weeks prior to this) and, she saw me and that created more issues leading to her continuing to call me stupid and crazy, I dumped a water bottle on her and then she made me help with her English in an attempt to contact my father and it was just all such a mess. I have no love for either of them when, my mom and I were more or less getting along in an understanding when, today my dad went off on my mom (via e-mail) about how he hasn't seen me in 5 years when, that's HIS fault. He keeps claiming that he didn't throw me out when, that is LITERALLY what he did and then refused court-mandated counseling.

I'm more or less over that (that being my dad brushing me off in general); I often casually say in conversation to my friends, "You know how long ago [insert event/memory here] was? My dad used to love me when that happened!"

And going back to today's events, my mom then had me help her with her English again to write a response to my dad via e-mail and suggested to my father that he reach out to me. He didn't reach out to me when I tried to take my life (he called me ridiculous for having attempted calling him early in the morning b/c that was when I was at the hospital) and, I honestly don't have love for either him or my mom.

On that note, I don't know what to believe in or even have faith in, I feel bad because my Abuela almost cried out of joy and was like: 'Yo le pedí tanto a Dios for esto (I asked God so much for this to happen); this being my dad wanting to speak to me again...I keep saying I don't believe in God because if God were real, I would've had parents who loved me and or at least been given up for adoption and placed with parents who would indeed, give their all for me or even, at least had custody granted to my abuelo and abuela.

I just...Ugggh...I just really want to be back at school and lose myself in my school work and internship work.

Sending love your way, DramaQueenMokey.

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

I just applied for another job and it's at a supermarket this time. My dad and I are going to the supermarket tomorrow to drop it off.

 

[Mo Frackle]

Having both depression and anxiety is a monster. Lately, I've been hyperventilating when I go to bed.