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Princeton
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***This ‘lost’ episode sets up the plot for the following season, which was of course never produced. I’m toying with posting a few episodes from that season at some point**
No Day but Today: “Six Characters in Search of a Solution”
Written and Created by Princeton
Starring Princeton as Himself
Redboobergurl as Puddin’
Amanda Seyfried as Madison
Jerry Stiller as the voice of Mr. Gus
Rue McClanahan as Granny Mae
GMAN as Colby
Open on Puddin’s studio. Granny Mae has rigged up an 8-track player into Puddin’s intercom. “Cause I Love You” is playing and Granny Mae is bawling her eyes out. Madison, Mr. Gus and Princeton are sitting on the couch.
Mr. Gus: Okay Prin, I’m finally gonna ask: What is your grandmother’s obsession with Lenny Williams?
Madison: Trust me, you don’t wanna know.
Mr. Gus: I asked, didn’t I?
Madison: What difference does that make?
Mr. Gus: If I asked, I obviously wanna know.
Madison: Not if you wanna taste food in the future.
Princeton: Relax Mad, I don’t mind.
Madison: Well I mind enough for both of us; it’s a gross story.
Princeton: Then why don’t you update your “Bring Back ‘Chalk Zone’” blog?
Madison: Super! Be right back, Pony Mulroney! (Exits)
Mr. Gus: All right Prin, go ahead and tell me.
Princeton: Granny Mae claims that Lenny wrote that song about her.
Mr. Gus: Yeah…um, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just gonna be…soaking my eyes. (Exits)
Puddin’ (enters with Colby): Mae, Prin… where’s Mad and Gussy?
Princeton: Let’s just say they both had some things to do.
Colby: Well, they better finish up PDQ so they can hear the part-time jobs I’m signing them up for.
Princeton: “Part-time jobs”? Whaddaya mean?
Colby: There’s a sweet little old lady that I live next door to who owns a pizzeria that’s in danger of being shut down. Like I said, she’s the sweetest lady and I’d really like all of us to help her.
Granny Mae: Well I certainly don’t mean to be rude, Colby, but how much more can we do if it’s gonna get shut down anyway?
Colby: Mae, I’m glad you brought that up. It’s really a matter of how much business they do and right now they’re not doing that well.
Princeton: We’d love to help. Where and when?
Colby: tomorrow night at 7:30 on 8th and Richmond.
Commercial Break
Cut to Caravelli’s Pizzeria. Princeton, Puddin’, Colby, Madison, Mr. Gus and Granny Mae are doing various jobs.
Mr. Gus: 308 in dog years and I’m scrubbing dishes! Don’t you think I have more important things to do?
Madison: Like what? Shop for a box set for Halfway Home? Sing along to The Best of Taco? Have an Olympia Dukakis film fest?
Mr. Gus: What are you implying?
Madison: That you have no life! You think you have it bad? Think of me! In less than a week I’m getting married, but do you hear me griping about it? No! I could if I wanted to, but before that monster of a mother left me, she taught me to enjoy life and that’s what I’m doing! I met a great guy and I’m gonna marry that guy and when I do, I won’t have you or your wise guy remarks to deal with.
Mr. Gus: Hey, species aside, I’ve been like a brother to you. You can’t just dump me like CBS did to Jimmy the Greek.
Puddin’: And that goes for me too! You act like you don’t need me anymore, Mad. You’ve got the guy you’ve always wanted, you’ve got the job you’ve always wanted and your upcoming wedding is gonna put TomKat’s to shame!
Granny Mae: And who’s responsible for the wedding? Me! But nobody gives me credit for anything. You’ve got some great insight, Puddin’, but I’m clearly the heart and soul of the whole wedding!
Princeton: Not only that, but you’re actually moving in with us. Do you think Mad and I are happy about that?
Granny Mae: Well you should be!
Madison: But guess what? We’re not! You’re a big enough burden to us *now*; imagine what it’d be like with you actually *living* with us!
Granny Mae: I *do* imagine what it’ll be like; it means I won’t have to be alone anymore. Nobody would want to be alone willingly; I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
Puddin’: But Mae, that’s how *I’ll* end up! You’re moving in with Mad and Prin; I’ll be left with nobody but Gussy.
Mr. Gus: And what’s wrong with that, may I ask?
Puddin’: I’m talking human companions, Gus.
Colby: Mae, I can’t take it anymore; we gotta tell them.
Puddin’: Tell us what?
Granny Mae: Well, I won’t reveal the source but Colby and I came upon quite a bit of money so we chipped in and booked all six of us on a cruise ship around the world!
Puddin’ and Madison: Oh my God!
Princeton: Granny, you didn’t!
Colby: Oh but we did, Princemeister!
Puddin’ (through her tears): Oh, Mae, Colby, that’s marvelous! Well anyway we really need to finish our shift; we’ve gotten absolutely *nothing* done.
Princeton: Aw, now I wouldn’t say that, Puddin’. We’ve gotten out all our feelings and now we know that we’ll all be together… for at least a little while.
Mr. Gus: Oy, what a crew the six of us’ll be! Olympia Dukakis, yoga, Lenny Williams, Slippery seats, Chalk Zone blogs and Parker funk! At least two of us will be coming home in a bag!
The End
No Day but Today: “Six Characters in Search of a Solution”
Written and Created by Princeton
Starring Princeton as Himself
Redboobergurl as Puddin’
Amanda Seyfried as Madison
Jerry Stiller as the voice of Mr. Gus
Rue McClanahan as Granny Mae
GMAN as Colby
Open on Puddin’s studio. Granny Mae has rigged up an 8-track player into Puddin’s intercom. “Cause I Love You” is playing and Granny Mae is bawling her eyes out. Madison, Mr. Gus and Princeton are sitting on the couch.
Mr. Gus: Okay Prin, I’m finally gonna ask: What is your grandmother’s obsession with Lenny Williams?
Madison: Trust me, you don’t wanna know.
Mr. Gus: I asked, didn’t I?
Madison: What difference does that make?
Mr. Gus: If I asked, I obviously wanna know.
Madison: Not if you wanna taste food in the future.
Princeton: Relax Mad, I don’t mind.
Madison: Well I mind enough for both of us; it’s a gross story.
Princeton: Then why don’t you update your “Bring Back ‘Chalk Zone’” blog?
Madison: Super! Be right back, Pony Mulroney! (Exits)
Mr. Gus: All right Prin, go ahead and tell me.
Princeton: Granny Mae claims that Lenny wrote that song about her.
Mr. Gus: Yeah…um, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just gonna be…soaking my eyes. (Exits)
Puddin’ (enters with Colby): Mae, Prin… where’s Mad and Gussy?
Princeton: Let’s just say they both had some things to do.
Colby: Well, they better finish up PDQ so they can hear the part-time jobs I’m signing them up for.
Princeton: “Part-time jobs”? Whaddaya mean?
Colby: There’s a sweet little old lady that I live next door to who owns a pizzeria that’s in danger of being shut down. Like I said, she’s the sweetest lady and I’d really like all of us to help her.
Granny Mae: Well I certainly don’t mean to be rude, Colby, but how much more can we do if it’s gonna get shut down anyway?
Colby: Mae, I’m glad you brought that up. It’s really a matter of how much business they do and right now they’re not doing that well.
Princeton: We’d love to help. Where and when?
Colby: tomorrow night at 7:30 on 8th and Richmond.
Commercial Break
Cut to Caravelli’s Pizzeria. Princeton, Puddin’, Colby, Madison, Mr. Gus and Granny Mae are doing various jobs.
Mr. Gus: 308 in dog years and I’m scrubbing dishes! Don’t you think I have more important things to do?
Madison: Like what? Shop for a box set for Halfway Home? Sing along to The Best of Taco? Have an Olympia Dukakis film fest?
Mr. Gus: What are you implying?
Madison: That you have no life! You think you have it bad? Think of me! In less than a week I’m getting married, but do you hear me griping about it? No! I could if I wanted to, but before that monster of a mother left me, she taught me to enjoy life and that’s what I’m doing! I met a great guy and I’m gonna marry that guy and when I do, I won’t have you or your wise guy remarks to deal with.
Mr. Gus: Hey, species aside, I’ve been like a brother to you. You can’t just dump me like CBS did to Jimmy the Greek.
Puddin’: And that goes for me too! You act like you don’t need me anymore, Mad. You’ve got the guy you’ve always wanted, you’ve got the job you’ve always wanted and your upcoming wedding is gonna put TomKat’s to shame!
Granny Mae: And who’s responsible for the wedding? Me! But nobody gives me credit for anything. You’ve got some great insight, Puddin’, but I’m clearly the heart and soul of the whole wedding!
Princeton: Not only that, but you’re actually moving in with us. Do you think Mad and I are happy about that?
Granny Mae: Well you should be!
Madison: But guess what? We’re not! You’re a big enough burden to us *now*; imagine what it’d be like with you actually *living* with us!
Granny Mae: I *do* imagine what it’ll be like; it means I won’t have to be alone anymore. Nobody would want to be alone willingly; I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
Puddin’: But Mae, that’s how *I’ll* end up! You’re moving in with Mad and Prin; I’ll be left with nobody but Gussy.
Mr. Gus: And what’s wrong with that, may I ask?
Puddin’: I’m talking human companions, Gus.
Colby: Mae, I can’t take it anymore; we gotta tell them.
Puddin’: Tell us what?
Granny Mae: Well, I won’t reveal the source but Colby and I came upon quite a bit of money so we chipped in and booked all six of us on a cruise ship around the world!
Puddin’ and Madison: Oh my God!
Princeton: Granny, you didn’t!
Colby: Oh but we did, Princemeister!
Puddin’ (through her tears): Oh, Mae, Colby, that’s marvelous! Well anyway we really need to finish our shift; we’ve gotten absolutely *nothing* done.
Princeton: Aw, now I wouldn’t say that, Puddin’. We’ve gotten out all our feelings and now we know that we’ll all be together… for at least a little while.
Mr. Gus: Oy, what a crew the six of us’ll be! Olympia Dukakis, yoga, Lenny Williams, Slippery seats, Chalk Zone blogs and Parker funk! At least two of us will be coming home in a bag!
The End