It's time to play the music ...
By Matthew Berry
ESPN.com
"Please be good."
With the new Muppets movie opening today, that's all I can think. For the sake of my childhood, my heart, my memories … please be good.
You see, like many people, I love the Muppets. Not
like the Muppets. Not
fondly remember the Muppets.
Love the Muppets. Love them.
So I desperately want this Muppets movie to be great. I am optimistic about it. I am a fan of Jason Segel, who wrote and stars in the movie. Thought "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" -- which he also wrote -- was terrific. I have friends who saw the movie in a sneak preview and they have all come back with positive reviews, so I'm excited. As you read this, I'm probably at a showing with my 7-year-old stepson.
Last week, I wrote a column about regret and listed many of the things I regret about my life. There was one that I left out, on purpose, because I knew I was writing about the Muppets this week.
My biggest regret from my Hollywood screenwriting days is that the new "Muppet Show" never happened.
You see, in 2002, when my writing partner Eric Abrams and I heard that Fox had made a deal with The Jim Henson company to do a new, prime-time version of "The Muppet Show," I went nuts. Had to have it. I called my agent. Called every friend I had that knew the development executive in charge of the project. Begged. Pleaded. Anything to get a meeting. We weren't the biggest names. We knew that. But we were the most passionate, and all we wanted was a chance.
We eventually got a meeting. We pitched our hearts out. We showed our passion. We discussed how we would update the Muppets while maintaining the core of their character that we all loved. We brought up obscure Muppets. We did everything short of wearing felt and putting a hand up ourselves. And in one of the happiest memories from my career in show business, we were hired to recreate "The Muppet Show" for Fox. When we turned in the script, it was very well received. No notes from the network, which is almost unheard of. All the way it went, up to the very top of the company, until it got to the very top. And then, Fox's Grand Poobah passed.
The executive (non-writing) producers of the show met with him and asked why. Could he give notes, could the guys take another swing at it, something? Everyone else loves this script, they said. G.P. agreed. He thought it was very funny. So what was the problem, they asked. "Well, I'm just not sure the Muppets will work on Fox."
Think about that. They made a deal with The Henson Studio
for the Muppets. Not a cheap deal, either. They then hired us to write a script. It's not like we wrote a sketch show and then
cast the Muppets in it. They're MUPPETS. They are what they are. Sometimes that happens, when a really good script turns out wrong with poor casting. No. In this case, we
started with the Muppets. A known quantity.
But in the end, the takeaway was, basically, "Really like the script. Does it have to be the Muppets?"
It was among my most disappointing moments ever in show business. And the start of me realizing I had to get the **** out. I love my new life and career. I don't miss show business at all. But I tell you what: If I somehow got another chance to go back and do something with The Muppets, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Less than 50 people probably got to see the script we wrote for the new version of "The Muppet Show," and I'm proud of the work Eric and I did on it. So, on the day when Jason Segel successfully revives the Muppets in a major motion picture, I've decided that if I'm ever gonna share at least part of this, this is the time.
So, the show was, just like the classic, original Muppet show, a sketch comedy and musical show with the Muppets interacting with celebrity cameos. Rereading the script this week for the first time in almost 10 years, some of the references are clearly dated; During a "*******" parody, Pepe the Prawn waterskis over a ramp to leap over a Muppet shark. We cut to Statler and Waldorf. Statler: "Three minutes into the show and they've already jumped the shark." Waldorf: "I'm surprised it took them this long." Statler/Waldorf: "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha." But overall, I don't know, I still liked it.
We had one running gag throughout the script -- Kermit's attempt to do a scene from "King Lear" -- which I've strewn throughout this column. Otherwise, it was modern sketches involving all the Muppets, including my personal favorite Muppet, Sam the Eagle.
The script opened up on the ******* parody (basically, Muppets getting the stuffing beaten out of them in stupid ways), then the classic opening with a contemporary twist and then. …
INT. MUPPET SHOW STAGE
KERMIT comes out in front of the red curtain to applause. He is dressed in Shakespearean garb as KING LEAR.
KERMIT: Hi everybody and welcome to "The Muppet Show!" We have a great show tonight and to start things off on a cultural high note, I'm pleased to present a scene from Shakespeare's great family tragedy, "King Lear."
ANGLE ON: The audience applauding.
BACK TO: Stage. Curtains open, revealing a bare bones stage with a scrim of a castle. Fog wafts out on the stage.
KERMIT (as "Lear"): 'Tis strange that they should so depart from home and not send back my messenger.
The GENTLEMAN (from the play) enters. It's a HUMAN HAND. It "talks" like the gesture for someone who won't shut up.
THE HAND (as "The Gentleman"): The night before there was no purpose in them of this remove.
KERMIT: What the … ?
THE HAND: Psst. The line is "Mak'st thou shame thy pastime?"
KERMIT: Scooter!
SCOOTER enters wearing a headset and holding a clipboard.
SCOOTER: Yes, m'lord?
KERMIT: Do you see something wrong here?
SCOOTER (looks around): Well, the castle's more Bavarian than Danish, but otherwise …
KERMIT: This is a hand! I'm acting against a hand!
THE HAND: Come on, give me a chance.
KERMIT: No.
SCOOTER: I think you're being shortsighted. Look at his range.
As Scooter ticks it off, the hand acts it out.
SCOOTER: Angry (the hand makes a fist.) Hopeful. (The fist crosses its fingers). Does magic. (The fist closes and opens quickly, revealing a bouquet of flowers.)
KERMIT: We're trying to do something of quality and you're sticking me with a hand?
SCOOTER: But this is all we could afford.
KERMIT: Scooter, people expect a lot more from us. I don't care how you do it but please find us the money so I have a proper scene partner.
THE HAND: Proper scene partner? You're a frog.
KERMIT: Well, you're a … What am I doing? I'm arguing with a hand.
SCOOTER: What do you want me to do about the hand?
KERMIT: Fire it!
Kermit storms off. The hand is about to give Kermit "the finger" but Scooter blocks it in the nick of time and we CUT TO:
I wanted to show the second of the Kermit sketches we did. After that first one, sketches involving Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle and Eminem and an X Games parody with Gonzo were among my favorites. I realize this is long, but whatever, it's Thanksgiving. Be thankful I'm not completely phoning it in.
INT. BACKSTAGE WINGS -- KING LEAR
KERMIT is wearing a much more elaborate Elizabethan robe and crown than he wore the previous time. SCOOTER approaches.
KERMIT: Scooter, this costume is fantastic. And the scenery is very impressive. Good job.
SCOOTER: Thanks, Kermit.
KERMIT: How did you find the money?
SCOOTER: Don't worry about it. That's my job. You're the talent. Now go out there and have fun.
INT. MUPPET SHOW STAGE -- CONTINUOUS
The scenery is much nicer than the last time. KERMIT enters.
KERMIT (As "Lear"): 'Tis strange that they should so depart from home and not send back my messenger.
The GENTLEMAN enters. It's a Muppet version of a COLA CAN. Complete with arms, legs and a face. It's voiced by Kelsey Grammer.
COLA CAN: "The night before there was no purpose in them of this remove."
KERMIT: What the? Cut! Scooter!
SCOOTER enters
SCOOTER: Yes Kermit?
KERMIT: This is a cola can.
COLA CAN:
Hey, I studied at Julliard. I act, sing and dance. I'm a triple threat.
From off stage the Can is thrown a top hat and cane. The Can puts on the hat and does his best Gene Kelly.
SCOOTER: Isn't he great?
KERMIT: No, he is not great. How could you do this?
SCOOTER: It was the only way we could afford the costumes and scenery. And if you could work the words "caffeine-free" or "new vanilla flavor" into a soliloquy, that would be great.
KERMIT: You know what else would be great? If we didn't have product placement in Shakespeare!
Kermit storms off.
COLA CAN (calling after): Come one. Give a can a chance!
SCOOTER: Kermit, wait.
Scooter follows after him. The can looks around, takes a beat and then …
COLA CAN: Finally, my big break.
The Can whips off the top hat.
THE CAN (continuing, as "Lear"): And my poor fool is hanged! No, no, no life? Why should a dog, a horse, a rat have life, and thou no breath at all?
The Can dies an overdramatic death, the final beat being the Can on the ground, springing a leak. From the side of the stage, Kermit reacts and as cola continues to burst out we …
FADE OUT:
That's all I have this week. Happy Thanksgiving to you. I'm thankful for many things, including an audience that indulges me in such things as printing a 9-year-old Muppets sketch. Here's one more, the end of the Kermit/Lear trilogy. Good luck in Week 12!
INT. BACKSTAGE WINGS -- DAY
KERMIT is wearing his ROYAL ROBE and CROWN and pacing. SCOOTER approaches.
SCOOTER: OK, Kermit, this time I've ironed out all the wrinkles.
KERMIT: There's no hand? No cola can? We have someone legitimate to play "The Gentleman"?
Scooter points
ANGLE ON: SAM THE EAGLE, who's off to the side also dressed in Shakespearean garb. He bows to Kermit.
KERMIT (continuing): Thank you, Scooter. You know how much Shakespeare means to me …
SCOOTER: Say no more, boss. You just want to see it done right.
KERMIT: Exactly.
MATTHEW PERRY enters DRESSED EXACTLY like Kermit as KING LEAR
MATTHEW PERRY: Hi, Kermit. (Extending hand) I'm Matthew Perry.
KERMIT: I know who you are! What are you doing here?
MATTHEW PERRY: You know, just doing a little "King Lear."
KERMIT: Why do you want to do Shakespeare?
SCOOTER: Allow me. Matthew's been on on "Friends" for nine years. He's one of the most popular actors on the most popular show in the country, and yet, has he ever won an Emmy?
MATTHEW PERRY: No.
SCOOTER: It just makes me so mad.
MATTHEW PERRY: So when Scooter called and asked, I jumped at it. I figure if I do some Shakespeare, I'll show everyone my range.
KERMIT: But I want to show everyone
my range.
MATTHEW PERRY: You're a frog that can walk and talk. After that, aren't you just showing off?
Sam walks over.
SAM THE EAGLE: Mr. Perry, I'm Sam the Eagle. I rather enjoyed "The Whole Nine Yards." (Beat.) Amanda Peet. I'm not made of wood, people!
Kermit looks at Sam. Sam quickly exits.
MATTHEW PERRY: Hey, listen, if this is a problem, Kermit, I'll back off.
KERMIT: Wow, I really apprec-
SCOOTER (interrupting): Actually, Kermit, the only way the network would approve the budget is if a big star like Matthew is in it. But maybe Matthew can get you a guest spot on "Friends."
Behind Kermit, Matthew is waving his hands as if to say, "No way."
SCOOTER (continuing; sotto): I'm sorry, I just figured you had Jean-Claude Van Damme on, so …
MATTHEW PERRY: Yeah, he won a raffle.
SCOOTER: Oh. (Beat.) You know, I think I have a way for you both to play King Lear.
KERMIT/MATTHEW: How?
FLIP TO: INT STAGE -- LATER
Matthew Perry is mid-scene.
MATTHEW PERRY (as "Lear"): 'Tis strange that they should so depart from home and not send back my messenger.
In the left-hand corner, Kermit appears in a circle DOING KING LEAR IN SIGN LANGUAGE. After a beat the HAND from earlier crowds the circle, signing along with Kermit. Kermit pushes it away and continues performing King Lear.
FADE OUT.
Matthew Berry -- The Talented Mr. Roto -- thinks the Matthew Perry reference is the biggest clue that the script is dated. If we were doing it today, it'd probably feature Ashton Kutcher.
Follow Matthew Berry on Twitter: @MatthewBerryTMR
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