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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Xerus, Jul 13, 2005.

  1. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 1.

    LEWIS KAZAGGER’S VOICE: The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, Bear in the Big Blue House. For years, Muppet fans have been asking which show and characters are the best. And now we’re about to find out in the biggest competition a Muppet could ever know. Live from the Roosevelt Franklin Stadium in New York City. It’s time for BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!!!

    (We look at a huge stadium filled with every kind of Muppet monster, whatnot, animal, and creature all cheering their voices out while Waldorf and Statler were sitting in the front row looking very bored.)

    WALDORF: You know Statler, I can’t stand huge crowds like these! It’ll make us harder to leave when the show starts to stink!

    STATLER: I like big crowds. It means more people get to throw things at the Muppets!


    WALDORF: Let’s get in some practice!

    (And they start throwing their peanuts and Cracker Jack into the stadium.)

    (Then we look into the announcer booth where we see Lewis Kazagger and the Muppet Newsman sitting in front of microphones.)

    LEWIS: Welcome sports fans. I am Lewis Kazagger!

    NEWSMAN: And you can just call me Newsman!

    LEWIS AND NEWSMAN: And welcome to Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!

    LEWIS: Yes fans, in a few minutes, 4 Muppet teams will be marching into this stadium and we’ll finally find out which show is the best at friendly competition!

    NEWSMAN: And when we mean friendly competition, the referees have confiscated all weapons of death and destruction from the athletes and put them in a nice safe place. Some of the Muppet Monsters seemed to have quite a few of them.

    (Then a bunch of mallets, clubs, swords, daggers, and machine guns fall on top of the Newsman.)

    LEWIS: And they couldn’t be in safer hands now that they’re sticking into the hands and the entire skin of our favorite Newsman!

    NEWSMAN: Send me to the medical tent, please!

    LEWIS: I’m ashamed of you! You know that the medical tents are only for our hard working athletes! Not for us soft announcers who’ll be sitting on our butts throughout this show!

    (Newsman climbs back into his seat with a sword through his head.)

    NEWSMAN: How thoughtless of me!

    LEWIS: Do you hear that music? That means the first team is arriving onto the field! It’s the Muppet Show Team!

    (We see all the Muppet Show characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with Kermit holding a yellow flag with The Muppet Show logo on it.)

    NEWSMAN: Ah, yes. The Muppet Show team, with their team leader, Kermit the Frog. This show was very popular on prime time and it was shown in over 100 different countries. And we see a lot more familiar characters like Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Beaker.

    LEWIS: Not to mention some newcomers like Bean Bunny and Pepe the Shrimp.

    (Pepe takes out a little megaphone while marching.)


    NEWSMAN: And look there in the middle, there’s the radiant Miss. Piggy showing off her new athletic attire!

    * * * * * *

    (We see Miss Piggy strutting around in a sparkling pink sweatsuit with gold plated sneakers on her feet.)

    KERMIT: Piggy, how will you be able to compete wearing all those fancy and heavy clothes?!!

    PIGGY: Moi, compete in these things?! Silly Kermie! You should know by now that I’m famous for making entrances!

    GONZO: But you could sweat to death wearing all that heavy stuff.

    PIGGY: Don’t you know that we pigs don’t have sweat glands?! I use beauty mud. It keeps my skin cool and my face beautiful!

    FLOYD: You obviously need more beauty mud right now! About the entire world’s mud! HEH HEH HEH!


    (Piggy was about to smash Floyd, until Kermit stopped her.)

    KERMIT: Please Piggy, save all that for your event.

    (The Muppets stop marching and in marches the second team.)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Do I feel a sunny day coming and the urge to sweep the clouds away? Do you know what that means?

    NEWSMAN: You’ve been sniffing paint thinner again?

    LEWIS: No, it’s the Sesame Street team coming into the stadium.

    (We see the Sesame Street gang marching into the stadium led by Ernie and Bert with Big Bird holding a flag shaped like the Sesame Street sign.)

    LEWIS: Look, there are team captains Ernie and Bert along with favorites such as Grover, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, Elmo, and that big bird himself, Big Bird.

    NEWSMAN: And look, there’s some huge elephant man wearing a shaggy coat.

    LEWIS: That’s just Mr. Snuffleupagus. They say he’s the Sesame team’s ultimate muscle.

    NEWSMAN: Snuffleupagus? I thought he was just an imaginary athlete the Sesame team made up to force the other teams to forfeit.

    LEWIS: Snuffleupagus, imaginary?! You’ve obviously don’t keep up with the times, my friend.

    NEWSMAN: Look, there’s a trash can with feet walking behind the Snuffleupagus. I’ll bet that can was built to catch all of Snuffy’s messes. Heh Heh Heh!

    LEWIS: Really Newsie! We don’t use that kind of humor around the presence of Sesame Street. That’s just Oscar the Grouch in his portable can bringing up the rear.

    NEWSMAN: Let’s just hope his can’s aimed at Snuffy’s rear. Heh Heh Heh!

    LEWIS: Do you want me to tell your mother?!

    * * * * * *

    ERNIE: Oh boy, Bert. We’re gonna win this great sports event, aren’t we?

    BERT: I don’t know why you talked me into going on with this jockfest! What if I end up losing and letting my team down? I’ll be humiliated and I’ll have to change my name and start a new life!

    ERNIE: Don’t worry Bert. If that happens, I know a good way to give you a new identity.

    (Ernie yanks off Bert’s nose and laughs.)

    BERT: Bewy punny Ernie!

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Listen to that music! Doesn’t it make us want to dance our cares away and worry for another day?

    NEWSMAN: Unless that day is April, 15th.

    LEWIS: It happens to be the Fraggle Rock team entering the stadium.

    (We see a whole group of Fraggles enter the stadium doing cartwheels and dancing around while Gobo was holding a flag with a stick figure Fraggle drawing on it.)

    LEWIS: That there is Gobo Fraggle, the team captain. And next to him is his Uncle, Traveling Matt.

    NEWSMAN: Ah yes. Traveling Matt. They say Matt was the very first Fraggle to leave the hidden world of Fraggle Rock and visit our culture. Now he’s convinced his fellow Fraggles to come on out and compete in this great event, hoping it will bring both our worlds together.

    * * * * * *

    (As the Fraggles continued marching, we see Red bouncing all around the parade shouting, “WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!”)

    GOBO: Red, control yourself! You’re gonna waste all your energy!

    RED: I can’t help it! I just know we Fraggles are gonna win this thing!

    WEMBLEY: Gobo, I’m so nervous. What if I wemble during my event and mess up?

    GOBO: Don’t worry, Wembley. Just tell yourself, there is no such word as wemble in the dictionary.

    MOKEY (holding a dictionary): He’s right, Wembley. It’s nowhere in the W pages.

    WEMBLEY: Wow, the word wemble really doesn’t exist! Oh no! Then that means I don’t exist either! AAAAHH!

    RED: Gee, Wembley. I’ll bet you’d win a panic event for sure.

    BOOBER: If there is a panic event, can I enter? That’s my specialty.

    * * * * * *

    NEWSMAN: Look what’s coming into the stadium next! A guy in a huge fur coat!

    LEWIS: No, he’s just Bear.

    NEWSMAN: No he isn’t. He’s wearing a coat!

    LEWIS: Please don’t start up that joke. It’s only funny when that first bear told it all those years ago. I can still hear it on that Muppet Show record album my nephews keep playing over and over again!

    NEWSMAN: And it looks like some kind of petting zoo is following him.

    LEWIS: No, it’s just our final team, The Big Blue House team with their captain, Bear. Along with his friends, Tutter the Mouse, Ojo the Bear Cub, Pip and Pop Otters, Treelo the Lemur, and Doc Hog.

    * * * * * *

    (And we see Bear and his Big Blue House friends marching into the stadium while Bear is holding a flag with a crayon drawing of the big blue house.)

    BEAR: Sniff, sniff, sniff.

    OJO: What is it bear?

    TUTTER: Do you smell something?

    BEAR: Why, yes I do. Tutter, can you hold this flag for me please? I’ll be right back.

    TUTTER: Sure bear, WOAAAAH! (Tutter tries to keep his balance while holding the gigantic flag.)

    (Bear rushes over to the front row of the audience and starts to sniff a man.)

    MAN: He’s gonna eat me!

    BEAR: Oh no. I don’t eat people! I just want to sniff you all. WHIFF! Have you been eating corndogs? Because that’s what you smell like.

    (The guy just sits there paralyzed. Then Bear starts whiffing a guy next to him.)

    BEAR: And you’ve been eating French Fries. WHIFF! With cheese! And let’s see. SNIFF, SNIFF. You sir, just had some onion rings, you madam had a strawberry milkshake, and you little girl had fudge ripple ice cream. Oh what wonderful smells you all have!

    (Then Bear goes over and sniffs Waldorf and Statler.)

    STATLER: Oh great! We’re being bugged by different bear!

    WALDORF: At least the first bear we all know and torment just threw bad jokes at us. What this guy’s doing isn’t really sanitary!

    BEAR: Tell me. Are you two gentlemen wearing Old Spice?

    STATLER: I am. But Waldorf’s just OLD TWICE! HAW HAW HAW HAW!

    (Waldorf just bops Statler in the face causing Statler’s mouth to cover his nose.)

    BEAR: Uh, I think I’d better go. (And Bear covers his own nose fearing Waldorf might hit it also.)

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: It looks like all four teams have entered the stadium. Now it’s time for the national anthems. Everyone please rise.

    NEWSMAN: And singing the national anthem for each team is our favorite crooner, Johnny Fiama.

    (Johnny Fiama steps up onto a podium with a mike in his hand.)

    * * * * * *

    JOHNNY: Hey there all you cool sports cats. And now I will sing the national anthems for The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Big Blue House. If I only knew how each song goes. SAL!!!!

    SAL: (Running in with some papers.) Coming Johnny! Here’re the songs for each team.

    JOHNNY: Thank’s Sal. (And he straightens his tie and clears his throat. Then looks at the notes and starts to sing.)

    JOHNNY: Sunny Blue House! It’s time to sweep the Fraggles away! Put on make up on the small mouse! We’re Gobo, Mokey, Pillows full of fluff here, RED! Can you tell me how to get things started on the most sensational, worries for another day, the Big Blue Muppet Show! Down at Sesame Rock!

    (The whole audience looked confused and so does the 4 teams on the field.)

    BOOOOOOO! Shouted the audience.

    WALDORF: What kind of national anthem was that?

    STATLER: The anthem that makes you want to defect to another nation.


    JOHNNY: But it isn’t my fault! I was just reading the stuff that was given to me. Wait a minute!

    (Johnny looks at papers and noticed that all words were mixed up and smudged together.)

    JOHNNY: Sal! What is this? It looks like someone wrote all the songs on one whole paper. They’re all smudged together into one big mix-up!

    SAL: Sorry, Johnny! I guess my printer acted up again.

    (The audience starts throwing food at Johnny.)

    JOHNNY: No! Not my 2000 dollar suit!

    SAL: Get behind me, Johnny! I’ll protect you!

    (Johnny, quickly steps away with Sal in front of him, taking all the ketchup, mustard, soda, egg, ice cream, and rotten fruit hits.)

    SAL: That’s it you jerks! If you wanna hit Johnny, you’re gonna have to hit me first! Gimme your best shots! Especially your banana flavored foods!

    * * * * * *

    NEWSMAN: It looks like the audience has just started their own event. Rotten food tossing.

    LEWIS: While our ushers try to keep the crowd calm, we’ll be going to a commercial break.

    * * * * * *

    (Commercials happen.)

    * * * * * *
  2. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    LEWIS: Welcome back, everyone. Well the crowd seems to have calmed down after Johnny’s unfortunate incident. The field has been cleaned of all garbage and Johnny has left the field unharmed.

    NEWSMAN: To bad that can’t be said about his helper monkey. But don’t worry. Johnny just sent him to the dry cleaners to be cleaned and pressed.

    LEWIS: Now for the moment all you sports fans have been waiting for. Our first event!

    NEWSMAN: And reporting live at the scene is our own Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster.

    * * * * * *


    * * * * * *

    TELLY: Hello sports fans. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the first event. Cross Country Bicycling.

    (Telly points to a map filled with wild twists and turns.)

    TELLY: In a few minutes, our cyclists will leave this stadium and follow this wild and twisted trail that could take many days to complete. They’ll be racing through big crowded cities, sweet smelling country farms, and woods filled with cute and sometimes dangerous wildlife. Ooooh! I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes! Anyway, let’s go over and meet the athletes competing in this event.

    (Telly walks over to a starting line where we see 4 Muppets on bicycles. Telly approaches Doc Hog sitting on one of those old fashioned big front wheel bikes.)

    TELLY: Competing for the Big Blue House team is Doc Hog. Doctor Hog, I understand you were a famous champion bicyclist back when you were younger. Can you tell me how you became so successful back then?

    DOC HOG: My dear boy, I’d like you to know that I still am. Back in my home town, they called me The Road Hog! And I plan to win today’s race today, thanks to the good luck charm I just received.

    TELLY: And what charm is that?

    DOC HOG: It’s stuck right in my bicycle spokes. It’s a trading card of Babe.

    TELLY: Not THE famous baseball player, Babe Ruth?!

    DOC HOG: Haw haw haw! Of course not you silly boy. I may be a doctor, but I’m not that rich. It’s a trading card of Babe the Pig. I just adore child stars!

    TELLY: Okay, thank you, Doc Hog. Now we move on to the next bicyclist. Playing for the Fraggle team is Traveling Matt.

    (Telly approaches Matt who is sitting on a blue bicycle.)

    TELLY: Traveling Matt, it’s said that you’re the very first Fraggle ever ride a bicycle. Is this true?

    MATT: Why yes it is. I was the first Fraggle to tame this delightful two-wheeled creature.

    TELLY: Two-wheeled creature?

    MATT: But of course. I remember when this fine shiny beast started out as a baby four-wheeled creature. It was fun getting to know him and letting him carry me to different places. But then, the creature suddenly shed his two training wheels. It was a sign that he was growing up. At first the new metamorphosed two-wheeled creature had trouble standing up, but with my guidance, he now seems to be doing fine. Just as long he stands on his false foot when not moving. (Matt points to the kickstand.)

    TELLY(confused): Well, I hope all your two-wheeled creature training will pay off for this big race.

    MATT: I believe so. Right my noble steed? (And he places an oat bag on the handlebars.)

    (Telly then moves over to Count sitting on a purple bike with bat wing shaped handlebars.)

    TELLY: Competing for the Sesame team is my friend, Count Von Count.

    COUNT: Greetings Telly. And greetings to all of you in the crowds and to every one watching on TV. I could just count you all. One, two, three, four….!

    TELLY: Forgive me for interrupting you, Count. But would you mind telling our fans about the bike you’ll be riding on in this race?

    COUNT: But of course. This here is the Transylvanian special. A bicycle made only for the members of my family. And just look at all the speed gears it features.

    TELLY: Wow! That must be the fastest bike in the world with all those speeds. Exactly how many are there?

    COUNT: Let’s count them and see. One, one speed! Two speeds! Three speeds! Four speeds! Five speeds….!

    TELLY: What have I started?!

    COUNT: Six speeds! Seven speeds! Eight speeds! I love extreme counting! Nine speeds! Ten speeds…!

    TELLY: Let’s move on to our final cyclist.

    (We see Beaker sitting on an orange bike with what looks like rockets on the side.)

    TELLY: And competing for The Muppet Show team is Beaker. Tell me Beaker. What kind of bike are you riding? It looks very advanced.

    BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep. Mee, mee, mee, mee, Mee, mee, mee, meep.

    TELLY: Sorry, but I don’t seem to understand your language. Do we have an interpreter here?

    (Dr. Bunsen Honeydew steps in.)

    BUNSEN: I’ll translate for my questionable speeched friend. Beaker is sitting on an advanced new bicycle that was created in Muppet Lab’s. It features adjustable mirrors, hand massaging handlebars, and two rockets on the side for an extra boost of speed.

    TELLY: Two rockets on the side?! Isn’t that kind of dangerous?!

    BUNSEN: Don’t worry. My friend, Beaker, has nerves of steel and a heart of courage. He can handle the strong intensity of whatever surprises this untested bike will dish out.

    BEAKER: Mee, meep?!!

    BUNSEN: And I also put crazy glue on his seat for his safety.


    (Beaker tries to get off the seat, but can’t.)

    TELLY: And there you have it. Which one of these four athletes will win this hardcore bike race? And more important, will any of these racers survive?! Especially the last one I interviewed. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. Now we see the starter approaching the field getting ready to fire the gun to get the race going.


    LEWIS: And they’re off! It looks like Doc Hog and Traveling Matt have taken the first lead as they’re both leaving the stadium right now. But I don’t see the other two cyclists leaving the stadium yet.

    NEWSMAN: There’s the Count still at the starting line. Why isn’t he pedaling?

    COUNT: 47 speeds! 48 speeds! 49 speeds! 50 spectacular speeds and still counting! Oh, I have a feeling I’m gonna win this race as soon as I finish counting! 51 speeds! 52 speeds!

    LEWIS: And I don’t see any sign of Beaker either. Has his rocket powered bike caused him to zoom to first place so fast that we couldn’t see it?

    NEWSMAN: Nope, we got him on our monitor. It turns out he zoomed out the back way. He’s going really fast, but only backwards!

    LEWIS: Why is he doing this? Going backwards will earn his team negative points!

    * * * * * *

    (We look into the Muppet Show team dugout, where the Muppets look flustered and outraged.)

    KERMIT: Bunsen, what’s wrong with that bike you built?! Beaker’s going backwards and putting us way in last place!

    BUNSEN: Oopsie! I must’ve installed the rockets in backwards!


    * * * * * *

    (We see Beaker speeding backwards through the country while he was crying a fearful, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Then he starts riding through things like a cactus farm, a poison ivy vineyard, and forests of hornets’ nests. Finally, Beaker slams into something soft and cozy causing him to stop. He turns his head and sees a gigantic pillow.)

    BEAKER: Meep, meep?

    (Beaker turns his head again and sees a billboard that says, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW. Beaker sighs of relief. But then, the tree branches covering the bottom of the sign get blown away causing it to read, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW FILLED WITH NITRO GLYCERINE.)

    A TEAR FILLED BEAKER: Mee, meep!

    Then the pillow explodes with a huge boom, causing poor Beaker to zoom again, but forward this time.

    * * * * * *

    NEWSMAN: Look, our monitor shows that Beaker is now going forward at the same speed, and is heading back into the stadium.

    LEWIS: Let’s hope he’ll be able to catch up with his opponents. But I don’t think he’ll have to worry about the Count though.

    * * * * * *

    (We see the Count still at the starting line still counting speeds while the Sesame team was shouting at him to move it.)

    BERT: Count, move your batty butt!

    ERNIE: Why does he always do stuff like this to us?

    (Just then, Beaker zoomed past the Count, causing him to stop counting and to spin around like a top on his back wheel.)

    COUNT: One uncontrolled wheelie! Two uncontrolled wheelies! Three uncontrolled wheelies! Even though I like counting wheelies, I do not really like being dizzy. I guess I’d better get going and win this race for my beloved team!

    (The Count stops his spinning and starts to pedal off trying to catch up with the other cyclists.)

    BERT: It’s about time!

    ERNIE: Go Count! Bring us one wonderful win!

    * * * * * *

    NEWSMAN: Well it looks like all four cyclists have left the stadium and will experience the intense action known as cross country bicycling.

    LEWIS: We’ll be bringing you updates of this long bicycle marathon along with more Muppets competing in great sports events when we go to day 2 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!

    * * * * * *

    WALDORF: Statler, do you believe in the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat?

    STATLER: I only predict that one team is gonna be defeated.

    WALDORF: Which one?

    STATLER: Us, the viewers!

    W & S: HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!
  3. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!! I love every inch of it. The dialogue between Lewis and Newsman, Miss Piggy's outfit, Bert's new identity, Wembley not existing, Bear sniffing, Waldorf being old TWICE, And I think the "National Anthem" was the best of all! So HYSTERICAL! I love it! MORE! MORE! MORE!

    EDIT: talk about service, you posted more as I posted! Ok, lemme read that, too...

    EDIT TWO: It's excellent! The rockets were backwards, that was SO funny! And the Count! And... and everything! And have I mentioned yet that Statler and Waldorf are just perfect? Because they are! Oh, man, I love this! MORE PLEASE!
  4. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Hey, thank you for being the first to review and enjoy my story so far. :) We'll see how each team does and who wins in future chapters. :)
  5. theprawncracker

    theprawncracker Well-Known Member

    Yay! Another fan-fic to read! And it's totally awesome! I love it! Go TMS team!:D :sing: :)
  6. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Oh my gosh! This has to be the biggest and best sporting event in Muppet history! It is a totally awesome fan-fic, with wonderful comentry, an dcrazy antics. The funniest thing was Count counting the speads, and Bear sniffing the audience, and Stadler and Waldorf, and Wembly and the dictionary, and the flags which were each perfect for each team, and the national anthem, and Johnny and Sal, and the sword through the Newsman's head, "How very thoughtless of me..." and Beaker, and The two-wheeled shiney beast that shed it's training wheels, and the Road-Hog, and the Babe Trading Card, and, the crazy glue for safety, and the thing Beaker rode through, and tutter struggling under the weight of the flag, and the title, and the "You've been sniffing the thin glue again," and Old Twice, and the "one uncontrolled wheelie," and Floyd's remark about mud, and...wow!!!
  7. That Announcer

    That Announcer Well-Known Member

    This is probably the best fan-fic yet! I loved the national anthem and especially Beaker's bicycle incident. Great so far, can't wait for the next bit!
  8. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well... After that, is there anything left to comment on?
    Me liked...

    1 Ernie pulling off Bert's nose for Bert's new identity.
    2 The Newsman being behind the times with SS events.
    3 The word "wemble" not being in the dictionary. Or was that just a Fraggle dictionary and not an English dictionary?
    4 The singing of the national anthems and what happened after.
    5 The bike race interviews with Telly. Can we get a translator?
    Good stuff Xerus. Just hope my man's able to catch up with the rest of the pack on the bike trails.

    Go SS Team!
  9. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of that old cartoon series starring the Hanna-Barbara characters doing Olympic type events. Anyone remember that one?
  10. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    You mean Wacky Races? or All Star Olymics?
  11. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    I think it was All-Star Olympics, because they had 3 or 4 different teams (like this one) only there was a Yogi Bear gang team, a Scooby team, and a Flintstone team. I may be mixing my teams up but it was something like that.
  12. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Ahh! I know the one you mean. However, this also reminded me of Wacky Races (my altime fav cartoon). Anyway, can't wait for the next episode!!!
  13. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your kind reviews. :) I thought this was a great way to bring all our favorite Muppets from different shows together.

    And that Hanna-Barbera cartoon you asked about, Bear? It's called Laff-A-Lympics. And it had 3 teams. Yogi Yahooies, Scooby Doobies, and the Really Rottens who were the cheating villains of the series.

    And I'm also a big fan of the Wacky Races too. Besides Muppets, I'm a big Hanna-Barbera fan as well.

    I got part of the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars idea from the Laff-A-Lympics. And also from an old TV special back in the 70s called, Battle of the Network Stars. There was a CBS team, an NBC team, and an ABC team. And TV stars like Gabe Kaplan, Vicki Lawrence, Lynda Carter, Farrah Fawcet, Telly Savalas, Jimmie Walker, Penny Marhsall, and many other stars competed in athletic events with Howard Cosell as the host.

    Thanks again for the reviews and I'll have Day 2 of BOTMAS written soon. :)

  14. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well, well, well... Just when I think of something to ask my good friend Xerus about his hexcellent fanfic... I find two of my other friends, Bear and Beauregard, already asking/talking about it. And then Xerus goes and posts the answers they seek.

    Just to add a tiny bit of info to Laff-A-Lympics... The Yogi Bear team wore orange shirts with the letter Y in the center, Scooby Doo's team had blue shirts with a white S, and the Really Rottens had green shirts with a white R. The Really Rottens team captain was Muttley, but his co-captain wasn't Dick Dastardly. No, it was the Dread Baron who looked like Dick but in green British or German military fighter pilot garb.
    This was back from my days when I had good vision and was able to watch TV to my heart's content. Rully miss those days.
    Anyway, the two commentators/hosts of the HB Laff-A-Lympics were Mildew Wolf and Snaggletooth.

    Oh, and as for the racers... Wacky Racers was good, but I always got it in Spanish when I prefer my TV viewing in English. And to tell the truth, I prefered the FenderBender 500 series.

    Just to let you guys and Xerus know, there was an animated movie made by Warner Brothers named Animalympics with a whole zoo of animal characters in athletic competitions with back stories and songs and everything.
    You guys should check it out if you get the chance. Hope this helps and looking forward to more story.
  15. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    Does anyone remember which team the Flintstones were on? Also, were the Jetsons at all on the show?
  16. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Ugh... The two HB franchises I... well, let's just change the subject before I throw down.

    Bear, to answer your questions.
    1 No the family from the future wasn't on Laff-A-Lympics at all.
    2 The family from the past wasn't on any of the teams. The teams consisted of the characters from various HB projects. The head of the family from the past did make a guest appearance at one of the events, but that was it.
    Hope this helps.

    Now please... Can we get back to the Muppet All-Stars competition?
    Need something good from Sesame Street or the Muppets to put away some dark cloud thoughts that I don't want to see right now.
  17. Xerus

    Xerus Well-Known Member

    Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

    By Cullen Pittman

    Day 2

    LEWIS: Welcome back sports fans to Day 2 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger and this here is my co-caster Newsman. Uh, Newsie?

    (Lewis looks and finds Newsman’s seat empty. Then he sees Newsman trying to push a crumpled dollar bill into a Vendaface machine.)

    NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! Stuck up vending machine refuses to take an important newsman’s dollar so he can get some fruit punch!

    VENDAFACE: Sorry, your bill is too wrinkled for me to accept. Come back with a smoother and maybe a much bigger bill.

    (Newsman starts to bang on the machine in anger.)

    LEWIS: Please, Newsie. We’re on the air!

    NEWSMAN: I don’t do go on the air until I’ve had my fruit punch. I want my punch you stupid machine!

    VENDAFACE: Your rude wish is my command.

    (A hatch opens in the machine and a boxing glove punches Newsman back to his seat.)

    LEWIS: You got your punch, happy now?

    A DAZED NEWSMAN: Yes, that punch had lots of Vitamin C. It lets me SEE stars and little birdies.

    LEWIS: Anyway, if you all tuned in yesterday, the start of the cross country bicycle race had happened. Right now, the four cyclists are riding through the big city known as New York. Reporting live from a helicopter is our Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster.

    * * * * * *

    (We see a helicopter hovering over the city with Telly peeking out the window.)

    TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest update on the bicycle race. So far, we see the cyclists riding down the street with Doc Hog leading, Traveling Matt, riding in second, Beaker in third, and The Count bringing up the rear. And uh, oh! It looks like our cyclists have stopped, for rush hour traffic has started. And if you’re a citizen of New York, you know how major rush hour traffic can be. It looks like our athletes might have to wait a long, LONG, while.

    (We see the four Muppets on their bikes on the sidewalk waiting for the traffic to cease.)

    AN IMPATIENT BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep!

    COUNT: 12 cars, 14 trucks, 4 taxi cabs, and 1 cab driver that actually looks American! I love counting things in rush hour traffic!

    MATT: What is this mysterious power that traffic light creature has over us? It seems like its evil red eye hypnotizes us into not moving. If only it would turn good and open its kind jolly green eye.

    DOC HOG: Sorry fellas. I can’t wait here any longer. That butcher shop across the street is giving me the willies! I’m gonna try and find a short cut somewhere in this city. See you all at the finish line. (Doc Hog pedals off.)

    MATT: I believe I will do the same thing. Come my faithful two-wheeled creature. Maybe we can find an underground cave that will lead us back on the trail. There’s one right now! (Matt pedals over to a subway and goes down it.)

    (Beaker sighs as he waits for the traffic to clear. Then his cell phone rings and he answers it.)

    BUNSEN’S VOICE: Listen, Beaky. You don’t have to wait for all that heavy traffic to clear. I know a short cut. Just follow my directions and you’ll be in the lead. Trust me!

    BEAKER(In a worried voice): Mee, Meep!

    BUNSEN: Why do you always make that worried meep whenever I say, trust me?

    (Beaker pedals off leaving only The Count left.)

    COUNT: 19 cars, 24 trucks, 5 motorcycles, 2 ambulances, and 2 lawyers chasing after those ambulances! HA HA HA HA! Oh, that was fun. But I guess I’d better get back to the race. And I’ll need good old fashioned bat power to do it.

    (Count pushes a button on his handlebars and metal bat wings pop out of the sides and he flies over the traffic. A little boy looks out a car window and speaks to his father.)

    BOY: Look Daddy. The Bat Plane! They’re shooting another Batman movie!

    FATHER: Just as long as they shoot it far away from our home. That’s fine with me.

    (Count lands on the other side of the street, closes the wings on his bike, and pedals off.)

    * * * * * *

    (Back up in the helicopter with Telly)

    TELLY: Well, it looks like The Count somehow managed to overcome the heavy traffic and has moved up to first place. But the other three cyclists are now off the trail and are scattering in all sorts of directions. Just what will be the results of this bicycle-thon full of surprises? We’ll find out when we bring you more updates. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. Well sports fans, it looks like this race will last quite a few days with the strategies these bikers are pulling. But right now, we’ll be bringing you one of the events taking place here in the stadium. Reporting live at the scene is retired game show host, Guy Smiley.

    NEWSMAN: Guy Smiley? I thought he disappeared from existence.

    LEWIS: What do you mean?

    NEWSMAN: You know, because of that scandal about him and those Miss. Universe ladies all those years ago?

    LEWIS: Those could’ve been rumors. Give the guy a break! And speaking of guy, here he is reporting.

    * * * * * *

    400 METER RUN

    * * * * * *

    GUY: Thank you, Lewis. And for information, Mr. Nosey Newsman, those stories about those girls are not true! The only love in my life is my mirror! Anyway, this is Guy Smiley, America’s favorite retired game show host, reporting live at this track where the 400 meter run is about to begin. The first runner to complete 4 full laps will win. And I see that our runners are at the starting line right now. Let’s see who’ll be competing.

    (Guy walks over to the four runners.)

    GUY: Competing for the Big Blue House team is team captain Bear, Mokey for the Fraggle team, Grover for the Sesame team, and Animal for The Muppet Show team.

    (Animal is running his legs off in place with a collar and chain around his neck and Floyd behind him holding him back.)


    FLOYD: Not now, Animal. Wait for the gun to fire!

    GUY: I see that someone is eager to win this run. Care to share your thoughts, Animal?


    GUY(Backs away in fear): Uh, I see that you had a lot on your mind and you wanted to get it all out of your system.

    (Blue referee guy comes in with his gun.)

    REFEREE: Runners, get ready, get set, BANG!

    (All the runners run off and Animal’s chain slides through Floyd’s fingers.)

    FLOYD: YEOW!(And starts blowing on his chain burned hands.)

    FLOYD: This is one of the reasons why I prefer to play bass!

    GUY: And look at them go! So far, all 4 runners are about even and are running up a storm. But wait! Mokey has seemed to stop running and is looking down on the ground. What’s wrong with her?

    (Mokey bends down and picks something up.)

    MOKEY: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you are. You shouldn’t be out on this huge track. You could get trampled on by runners. Oh, you’re so adorable. Tickle, tickle, tickle!

    * * * * * *

    (In the Fraggle’s dugout.)

    RED: Mokey, what are you doing?! RUN!

    GOBO: Red, I thought you said you coached Mokey to be a running machine!

    RED: Well, I… I….

    BOOBER: Is this one of the methods of your coaching?

    RED(Looks at Boober): GRRRRRR!

    * * * * * *

    GUY: So far, three of our runners have completed their first lap and they’re starting their second, except for Mokey who is still on the same spot she stopped on. Just what is her strategy for all this? Now, wait a minute! It looks like Grover’s now stopped running and has joined Mokey.

    GROVER: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you have found. It is almost as adorable as me!

    MOKEY: I found it crawling on the track. It’s a good thing I stopped otherwise I might’ve stepped on it.

    GROVER: And it would never have the future of being a beautiful butterfly. Did you not know that caterpillars turn into butterflies?

    MOKEY: Oh really? That’s very interesting. Can you please tell me more?

    GROVER: Why certainly. You see, there are four stages of the caterpillar. Egg, Larva, Pupa, and Adult…..

    * * * * * *

    (In the Sesame dugout.)

    BERT: Grover had a good lead! Now he’s turned from a runner to a professor?!

    ERNIE: Take it easy, Bert. You know all of us from Sesame Street have this uncontrollable habit to teach. It’s like some force urges us to educate.

    BERT: You mean ESP?

    ERNIE: More like PBS.

    * * * * * *

    GUY: Well, it looks like Animal and Bear have completed their second lap while Grover and Mokey are standing there not racing at all. I don’t believe this, now Animal has stopped running and has joined the other two ceased runners!

    ANIMAL: Caterpillar!

    MOKEY: Yes, isn’t it darling? Want to hold it?

    (Animal picks up the caterpillar, opens his mouth, and swallows it.)


    ANIMAL: Good bug! Bye bye! (Gets back to running.)

    MOKEY: My poor new friend!

    GROVER: How dare he! This looks like a job for Super Grover!

    (Grover spins around in circles and suddenly appears in his superhero costume.)

    GUY: Amazing, somehow Grover has disappeared from the track and Super Grover has appeared out of nowhere! Where do you suppose Grover went?

    * * * * * *

    AN ANGRY BERT: That’s what the members of his team would like to know!

    * * * * * *

    GROVER: Up, up and apprehend! (Grover zooms and tackles Animal and starts to wrestle with him.)


    GROVER: All right you foul fiend! Release that innocent caterpillar you have captured before I unleash my full superhero power on you!

    GUY: This is crazy! Now it seems like Bear has completed his third lap while Mokey seems to be standing on the track in tears while Super Grover is having a wrestling match with Animal. I tell you, I haven’t seen this much mess since I’ve seen the condition of my hair from my old game show tapes! But look, Bear’s getting close to the finish line. It looks like he might be the one to win this race!

    GROVER: I do not understand it! I am using my full super powers and you do not seem to be giving in!

    ANIMAL: Me have nerves of steel!

    GROVER: No matter what, I must rescue that caterpillar!

    (Grover wraps his arms around Animal’s stomach and squeezes him hard causing the caterpillar to shoot out of his mouth.)


    BEAR: Oh boy, there’s the finish! I’m going to win!

    (The caterpillar ends up flying into Bear’s ear causing Bear to stop.)

    BEAR: Wait, I got something in my ear! I can’t run with things in my ear!

    (Bear sticks his finger into his ear while standing just inches away from the finish line.)

    GUY: This is complete madness! Bear is just inches away from winning, but now he seems to be playing with his ear! Now look! Mokey is running around the track again, passing Super Grover and Animal who seem to think this event is a wrestling match!

    MOKEY(running around the track): Little caterpillar! Where are you?

    BEAR: Just one more pat and I think I’ll have it out!

    (Bear pats the side of his head causing the caterpillar to shoot out his ear and land on the other side of the finish line.)

    BEAR: Ah, that’s much better.

    MOKEY: There you are!

    (Mokey rushes past Bear, crosses the finish line, and picks up her caterpillar.)

    GUY: Our judges just informed me that Mokey has completed 4 laps. Mokey Fraggle is the winner!

    BEAR: Oh well. At least I got that bug out of my system. Heh heh heh!

    * * * * * *

    (The Fraggles in the dugout cheer for Mokey!)


    RED: Was there any doubt? I was her coach!

    * * * * * *

    MOKEY: Are you okay, my little caterpillar? Don’t worry. I’ll get you the medical attention you need.

    GUY: Miss. Mokey Fraggle. Can we have a word with you?

    MOKEY: Please make it quick, I have to tend to my traumatized friend, here.

    GUY: Mokey, at first it seemed that it worried your fans and teammates when you were the first to stop running. But somehow you managed to bounce back and bring your team the victory. Just what are your feelings right now?

    MOKEY: Well, Guy. At first I felt determination when I first started running, but then I felt concerned when I saw this cute little caterpillar on that dangerous track, then I felt love for it. Then I felt fear when it got eaten, and then anger seeing what that Animal did and also sadness knowing that I might not ever see my new friend again. Then I became surprised when I saw it fly into the air as well as hope. And now I’m happy to be reunited with my caterpillar and proud that I won the race from my friends! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give this little caterpillar a bandage, a hot bath, and a nourishing meal. (Mokey rushes off.)

    GUY: And there you have it! A Fraggle of many feelings! Certain athletes could learn a thing from her kindness, peace, and love!

    (We see Super Grover and Animal all tangled up in a huge mess, then Bruno the garbage man picks them up, puts them in his trashcan, and walks off.)

    GROVER: Once again, Super Grover has saved the day for cute little caterpillars!

    ANIMAL: Want ice cream!

    GROVER: Me too! Oh, mister sanitation citizen. Be so kind and take us to the nearest ice cream stand, will you?

    * * * * * *

    STATLER: They say that running is good for your heart.

    WALDORF: I’ll say, maybe we should runaway before this tournament makes us die of heart attacks!

    W & S: HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!

    WALDORF: Uh oh! I think I feel one coming now! HAW, HAW!

    * * * * * *

    GUY: This is Guy Smiley bringing you back to Lewis Kazagger.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Guy. Wasn’t that the most amazing foot race you’ve ever seen, Newsie?

    NEWSMAN: It’s seems more like some of those racers put their feet in their mouths!

    LEWIS: Let’s see what our first scoring is right now. Maintaining our scoreboard is our favorite android, Digit.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Digit the Android taking a wire out of his chest, plugging it into a scoreboard section, and a huge 1 appears under the words, Fraggle Rock.)

    DIGIT: Well Lewis, so far it looks like the Fraggle team is the first to score a point. So the score is Fraggle Team 1, other teams zero.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. And there you have our first scoring report with the Fraggle team leading. But who knows, the other 3 teams might have the strength, the endurance, the intelli… Well, those first two things to catch up.

    NEWSMAN: Let’s say we get another report about our bicycle race from Telly Monster.

    * * * * * *

    (We see Telly still in the helicopter.)

    TELLY: Well Mr. Newsman, it’s quite a confusing sight seeing some of our cyclists pedaling around New York City wondering where they should go. Right now, we’re looking at Beaker who seems to have stopped at the entrance of Central Park.

    * * * * * *

    (Beaker looks up at the Central Park entrance with a worried face while Bunsen talks to him on his cell phone.)

    BUNSEN: That’s it Beaky. You’re sure to get back in the lead if you take a short cut through Central Park.

    BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep! Mee, mee, mee, mee!”

    BUNSEN: Oh Beaker. I’m sure Central Park isn’t that dangerous as most people say it is. All you have to do is ride though and don’t make eye contact with anyone. And make sure you’re not showing off anything valuable like gold, diamonds, and money. Now, off you go.

    (Beaker sighs and pedals into the park. As Beaker cautiously rides through the park, he sees how pretty it can be when no crimes are happening.)


    (Just then, Beaker’s bike suddenly turns from orange to solid gold and diamonds pop out from the sides.)

    BEAKER: Mee meep!(Then his cell phone rings again.)

    BUNSEN: Uh oh, Beaker. I forgot to tell you something! Muppet Lab’s bike has a special feature. At certain times, the bike turns to solid gold and sparkly diamonds pop out all over so it’ll give you class when pedaling through fancy places.


    (Then a whole wad of cash pops out of Beaker’s handlebars.)

    BUNSEN: And another feature the bike has is that cash can pop out of the handlebars at certain times just in case you come to a toll booth or a drive thru. So it might not be a good idea to ride through Central Park after all. Good luck. (Bunsen hangs up.)

    Just then, some Muppet thugs and monsters surround Beaker while carrying some clubs and pipes and brass knuckles.

    A HORRIFIED BEAKER: Mee, meep!

    TELLY: Quick, get that camera back up to me!

    (We look back up to Telly while a bunch of thrashing, pounding, and cries of MEEP, were heard from below.)

    TELLY: Sorry, but since this program is rated G, it might not be wise to show you what’s going on down there. Ooooh! What a horrible sight to watch! We news reporters have such awful jobs!

    (Beaker slowly pedals out of the park all beat up with his bicycle stripped of everything valuable.)

    BEAKER: Mee, mee, meep! (And some teeth fall out of his mouth.)

    TELLY: Poor Beaker, but at least he seems to be back on the right bike path. This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot reporting live from my helicopter above. Back to you, Lewis.

    * * * * * *

    LEWIS: Thanks once again, Telly. What are your comments about everything we’ve seen today, Newsie? Uh, Newsie?

    (We see Newsman back at the Vendaface machine holding a gun.)

    NEWSMAN: Now you listen and you listen good! I’m gonna put a dollar inside you and you’re gonna cooperate and give me my food, or else you might not live to see your retirement!

    (The machine stars to shake nervously as it accepts Newsman’s dollar.)

    NEWSMAN: That’s better. Now please give me some malted milk balls.

    (Instead, the machine pops out a magnet, pulls the gun away from Newsman, and closes the hatch.)

    NEWSMAN: What the…?

    VENDAFACE: Your milk balls, Mr. Bossy.

    (Vendaface brings out the gun again and starts shooting milk balls at the Newsman chasing him behind his chair. Lewis hides behind his chair as well.)

    LEWIS: Didn’t anyone tell you never to threaten Vendaface machines?! The guy who created them is famous for being a total jerk!

    NEWSMAN: And their malted milk balls pack a mean punch too! Look at these chocolate cuts on my face! MAKEUP!

    (Lewis pops his head back up wearing an army helmet while milk balls bounce off of it.)

    LEWIS: This is Lewis Kazagger saying tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. If we’re both still living that is!

    (A milk ball hits the camera and everything goes staticky.)
  18. TogetherAgain

    TogetherAgain Well-Known Member

    Sorry I took so long to reply, but- I LOVE IT! I love the 400 meter run. It is SO typical of every single character, and it's just HILARIOUS. I mean, it's just... ok, let me put it this way. I read this right after a 26.4 mile bicycle ride, I was exhausted, I didn't really have energy to laugh, and I laughed anyway. That's how good this is. And I love seeing Digit, and the Vendaface, and... and the line about the batman movie! That was good! And Beaker in Central Park, I love it!

    More! More! More!

  19. BEAR

    BEAR Well-Known Member

    I gotta say, the Bert and Ernie bit about PBS was the most brilliantly written part of it. Good chapter. And thanks for not having Grover speak in contractions.
  20. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Oh I love this too!!! Oh my gosh! I loved Newsie! And Vendaface, and the "punch" which we saw coming, but, Youchy! And Vitamin C! And "1 cab driver that actually looks American!" And the red evil eye of the traffic lights. And the catilpillar! And the "Why do you always make that worried meep whenever I say, trust me?" And the Super Grover/Grover scene! And Animal's chain with Floyd. And, "2 lawyers chasing after those ambulances!"

    Yey! Guy Smiley!!!! And, Miss. Universe ladies! Ahhhahaha!

    I also loved..."I see that you had a lot on your mind and you wanted to get it all out of your system." And the Blue Refferee Guy, and Mokey! Oh, dear, she's looking at a catilipilar! Oh, I already mantioned that, but...and "It is almost as adorable as me!" "ERNIE: More like PBS." And..."GUY: Amazing, somehow Grover has disappeared from the track and Super Grover has appeared out of nowhere! Where do you suppose Grover went?"

    Bear not being able to run with something in his ear, and Mokey running after her catapillar, and Mokey Feelings! Ahhaha! Never ask MOkey Fraggle about feelings if you want a short answer! And "Maintaining our scoreboard is our favorite android, Digit." Kewl! Annnnnnnd, Beaker in Central Park, and Lewis wearing an army helmet while milk balls bounce off of it.

    Wonderfull, wonderfull!

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