Beat the Time with Bert

[GSmiley2007]

Here is my first fan-fic:

ANNOUNCER: Now it's time for everybody's favorite wacky stunt game show, Beat... the Time! And here is your host, Guy Smiley!

(Guy gets caught in the curtains again)

AN EVEN MORE OVER-EXCITABLE GUY: Hello, everybody, this is Guy Smiley, America's favorite game show host welcoming you to episode number 17,285 of Beat the Time, our longest running game show ever!

(audience cheers)

GUY: And here is today's contestant, all the way from Sesame Street, here's Bert!

BERT: (laughs) Hey, Guy!

GUY: Hello, Bert! Are you ready for today's wacky stunt?

BERT: Yes, Guy, I am! Does it involve oatmeal, pigeons, paper clips, or bottle caps?

GUY: No it does not, Bert!

BERT: What do I have to do, then?

GUY: You must bring in five animals that live on the farm!

AN ANGRY BERT: I have to WHAT?

GUY: You have to bring in five animals that live on the farm!

A DEJECTED BERT: Oh, okay.

GUY: And you must do it in under 45 seconds! Can you do it?

BERT: I'll give it a shot.

GUY: Okay, then! 3... 2... 1... GO ALREADY!

BERT: Should I start now?

GUY: YES, BERT!

BERT: Okay, okay! (huffs, then runs off)

GUY: Can he do it? Bert's gotta bring in five animals that live on the farm!

BERT: I found a pig!

GUY: Wonderful! That's one animal that lives on the farm, now you gotta bring in four more, and you've got 36 seconds left! Go, go, go! Let's hope that Bert can bring in--

(Before Guy can finish talking, the Old MacDonald Muppet from the intro to the "A New Way To Walk" music video arrives in the studio, angrily)

OLD MACDONALD: Och, that laddie just took my pig! Where is he? Hey, you're America's favorite game show host, Guy Smiley! Can I have your autograph?

GUY: No, you can't have my autograph right now! Get off the stage while Bert's trying to find four more animals that live on the farm!

(While Old MacDonald runs offstage looking for his pig, Bert re-enters the studio)

BERT: I've found a chicken! (It's Camilla from The Muppet Show!)

GUY: Great job, Bert! You've got 29 seconds left to bring in three more animals that live on the farm. NOW GET GOING! Let me remind our audience that Bert--

(Gonzo arrives in the studio! The audience roars and Gonzo bows and says "Thank you" before rushing to Guy)

GONZO: Hey, that weird yellow person just took the love of my life, Camilla! Have you seen-- hey, wait a minute, Kermit told me about you. You're America's favorite game show host, Guy Smiley!

GUY: I've got three things to tell you, weirdo. First, I'm glad you noticed me. Second, I DON'T KNOW WHO CAMILLA IS, AND THIRD, GET OFF THE STAGE!

GONZO: AAAAAH! I'm coming Camilla, my favorite chicken!

GUY: A chicken? Huh. Well, can he do it? Bert has 25 seconds left to find three more animals on the farm!

BERT: Here's a horse, Guy! (Fred the Wonder Horse knocks down the curtains)

GUY: Good job, Bert! Now you've got 22 seconds left to find two more animals that live on the farm! GO ALREADY! He's gotta bring in two more animals in order to win a life-long supply of oatmeal!

MARSHAL GROVER: Hey, Bert just took my little Freddy! Have you seen him, Guy?

GUY: I haven't seen this Freddy of yours, Grover! GET OFF MY STAGE!

MARSHAL GROVER: AAAAAAAAHHH! Here I come, Freddy!

GUY: Now, Bert's got about 16 seconds left to bring in two more animals from the farm.

BERT: Guy, I can't find any more animals that live on the farm! I give up!

GUY: No, you can't give up, Bert! YOU'VE GOT TO FIND TWO MORE ANIMALS THAT LIVE ON THE FARM, AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT 13 SECONDS LEFT! JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND KEEP LOOKING!

BERT: AAAAAHHH!

GUY: Bert's gotta find two more animals, but look at our clock, audience! (cuts to shot of clock) Bert's down to 10 seconds, so count with me! (Audience counts with Guy) 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...

(rumbling sound is heard when Guy gets to "5")

GUY: What the? No, this can't be! It's gotta be...

(How Now Brown Cow's Moo Wave destroys the set, including the clock!)

GUY: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Oh, no!

BERT: I found two cows, Guy!

GUY: Two cows? That equals five animals, and you've won our game, Bert!

BERT: I did? (laughs happily) Oh, boy, I gotta tell Ernie!

GUY: And the prize you've won is a life-long supply of oatmeal!

BERT: Thank you, Guy! (laughs again)

(winning siren goes off and confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling, including a pink colored Anything Muppet man who drops them)

HOW NOW BROWN COW: Hey, that weird dude just stole my backup singers! We were shooting our music video when he showed up.

GUY: Well, where are they?

(How Now Brown Cow points to the two cows)

GUY: Oh. Well, I'm Guy Smiley saying so long for Beat the--

GONZO: There he is! There's that yellow man who took our animals! Let's get him!

(The angry mob chases Bert out the studio, trampling over Guy)

GUY: AAAAAH! Stop running over me! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, owww!

A DAZED GUY: ...Time. (He faints)

(cut to logo, and then, a fade-out)

What do you think?

 

[mikealan]

Very funny! Especially when Gonzo and Camilla make their rare appearances on this fan-fic, but I believe that Gonzo should call Bert Bert himself instead of a yellow man.

 

[GSmiley2007]

Well, I made Gonzo call Bert a "yellow man" in the sense that Gonzo had never even met Bert (or any famous Sesame Street Muppet, sans Kermit) before. But, I'm glad you like it! :-D

 

[mikealan]

Bert and Gonzo

Actually, I remember Bert and Gonzo both in the same Muppet specials/guest appearances/magazine appearances.

For instance, on the 1990 issue of TV Guide Magazine about Jim Henson's death, Gonzo's behind Bert and Ernie while they, along with Piggy and Kermit work in the recording studio.

Gonzo's also seen upside-down under Bert and Ernie in one of Jim Henson's main photos with Jim and his Muppets.

Speaking of both Bert and Gonzo, I remember them in the panel during the Muppets' 30th anniversary. You can also see them real close, along with Ernie at the end of A Muppet Family Christmas as Piggy kisses Kermit looking up in the air and while all the Muppet Show and Sesame Street Muppets sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

Bert, Ernie and Gonzo were also part of the group of Muppets crooning "New York, New York" in the bus on their guest appearances on Night of 100 Stars (as they mention "The Muppets" on that show, it's a combination of Muppet Show Muppets and Sesame Street Muppets)

These are the appearances I remember so far where Bert and Gonzo make their same appearance