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Da Poil - a musical play

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Winslow Leach, Jun 10, 2008.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Ah... Maawage, twue wuv. They'd have a better chance than Mike and Flavia though.
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Um...yes...update...will happen...soon...promise...
  3. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Darn! I had pages and pages prepared...you know, for my continuation...:shifty:

    But the oddest thing happened: a giant lawn mower appeared from out of nowhere, and chewed up the manuscript! Gorsh! I tells ya...um...so...I'll just continue from memory...I'm not gonna backtrack to see where I left off, but I'm pretty sure I remember...
  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Ernest and Corky are in a giant cauldron on an island full of savage natives. The cook drops chopped carrots and veggies into the "stew." A fire burns slowly beneath.

    Ernest: Oh dear, Corkmeister...this seems to be it!

    Corky: Meee!

    Ernest: There, there...my only regret is that you didn't get to work for my daddy. He would have liked you!

    (Corky puts his head in his hands and weeps)

    Ernest: Imagine the series of unfortunate events that brought us here, oh dear oh dear!

    Natives (chanting) Ooga-chakka-ooga-ooga-ooga-chakka-ooga-ooga-ooga-chakka-ooga-ooga-ooga-chakka-ooga--

    Ernest (suddenly bursting into song) I can't stop this feeling! Deep inside of me! Girl you just don't realize what you do to me...oh my stars! Where did that come from?

    (Corky: facepalm)

    The fire is raised; Corky and Ernest clutch each other, waiting for the inevitable end, when...

    Suddenly, an airplane lands on the island. The natives stop their chanting and stare in awe at this strange machine.

    Milo, clad in Lindbergh-esque flying gear, complete with leather helmet and goggles, pops out of plane, and jumps onto the island. The natives recoil in fright when they see this strange "futuristic" creature.

    Milo removes the helmet and goggles; the natives SHRIEK with horror at his natural face, and scatter away.

    Milo: I'm here ta rescue youse crum-bums before dese guys make melon an' beanstalk stew outta youse!

    Ernest: Oh, Milie!

    (Ernest and Corky jump out of the now-boiling cauldron)

    Milo: Ey, ya know, dat soup don't smell half bad!


    Er...somehow I don't think this is where I left off...oh wait...yeah...okay, now I got it!
  5. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    King Kong is in the midst of climbing the Empire State Building, clutching Ernest.

    Ernest: Oh dear. This monkey seems rather determined to bring me to the tippity-top of this tall building. I'd rather use the elevator myself, tssst-sssstssssst!


    Gaaaah! That's not it either...hmmmm...
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    An old-timey western saloon; Ernest the Kid and his sidekick, the notorious Silent Red (complete with long handlebar mustache) enter, and mosey on up to the bar.

    Ernest (growling) Gimme a lemonade! In a dirty glass!

    Corky (growl) Meep!

    Ernest: Make that two!



    Um...er, ah...wuzzle-wazzle?


    Hey look! A tap-dancing wildebeast is spinning six plates in the air simultaneously, while playing Noel Coward tunes on the kazoo!

    (runs away)
  7. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Wonders how long it'll take before I hear the laughter of a certain Squeedomly girl.

    *American traveler ambles up to the boiling pot: Hey mac, could you help out a fellow American traveler?
    *Ends up with a Hoboken-born ice capades baby penguin in his hands with a puzzled look on his face.

    Post the story Slug... Or you will be doomed to be garlic buttered and devoured by the pits of Heck! *Evil laugh.
  8. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    Bunsen...wtfudge? XD Why are you singing at a time like THIS?
    x) Being cooked to perfection! <3

    Omg, Lefty's not a complete jerk anymore!
    YAY, foshiz!

  9. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Milo takes a drink. Beat.

    Milo: Inconceivable!

    Milo slumps over, dead.


    Getting warmer? Methinks I is!:D

  10. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The office of a dank and dingy motel.

    Ernest is behind the desk; Milo rushes in, a newspaper covering his head, on accounta da rain...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Milo: D'ya have any vacancies?

    Ernest: Oh my, yes! We have twelve! Twelve cabins, twelve vacancies! (twiddles fingers)

    Milo: I'm beat. I just wanna take a nice hot shower an' go ta bed...

    Ernest: Oooh! Yes...I think you'll find our showers...most inviting...tssssst-tsssssst-sssssst!
  11. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    O_O Bunnie...what is that supposed to--? Never mind... XP

    Great update, Tony! XDDD
  12. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member


    Thanks, Ailie!:D
  13. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yes... But where's the bust of Ernest's mother? Please don't let it look anyting like Corky.

    You know, I think this story's starting to get more fog than The Fog had.
    Milo, watch out for that quicksand!
    Boy that rully was like quick sand.
    Yep, sure was quick... sand...
    Arnie the Alligator: I remember when I was young...

    Post the real story before I'm forced to quip again!
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Milo's kitchen.

    Milo: 'Ey Dad--

    Dad: Don't call me that! Don't you ever call me that again!

    Milo: Er...okay...'ey Baldie, I've been tinkin' about what I wanna do ta Ernest and dat meepin' fella.

    Dad (interested) Oh? What did you have in mind?

    Milo: Well...I was tinkin'...I could hire me a guy ta do da job...den I won't hafta get my hands dirty, so ta speak. In odder woids, no one will suspect me, heh heh.

    Dad: Are you serious? You can't afford a hit man! You'll be paying me back until I'm forty years in the ground!

    Milo: What would youse suggest den?

    Dad: Don't ask me, I'm not a cold-hearted psychopath. I'm a honest, law-abiding American. As you should be. But that melon-headed fellow has been a thorn in my fanny since you were little munchkins...(shudders)...ugh! Just the thought of that disgusting magpie is enough to drive me insane!

    Milo: Oh yeah? Heh heh...
  15. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Blinks. Was that meant as the "real" update? Short, but at least it gets us back on track. Now pooooooooooost!
  16. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Dad is tied to a chair, his eyes held open by metal prongs; in front of him is a large screen set up by Milo. To keep Dad's eyes moist, Milo repeatedly puts eyedrops into each eye every ten seconds or so. This is a reverse version of the Ludovico Treatment from "A Clockwork Orange," only Milo's experiment causes the anger to rise instead of subsiding.

    On the screen are various home movies of Ernest at different stages of life. As Dad watches, he grows more and more intense. A boombox blares a hideous version of Ernest yodelling his way through Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady."

    One of the images on the screen is of a 6-year-old Ernest acting "cute" for the camera.

    Ernest: When I gwow up, I wanna be a spaceman and go zoomy! Ain't I a cute li'l dickens? Tsssst-sssst-sssssst!

    Cut to another clip of Ernest, this time about 10.

    Ernest: When I gwow up, I wanna be a spaceman and go zoomy! Ain't I a cute li'l dickens? Tsssst-sssst-ssssst!

    Dad: Grrrrrrrr....

    Milo continues to apply eyedrops.

    Another clip of Ernest, the present.

    Ernest: When I gwow up, I wanna be a spaceman and go zoomy! Ain't I a cute li'l dickens? Tsssst-sssst-ssssst!

    Ernest yodelling Eminem grows louder.

    On the screen:

    Ernest, present age, is "running" toward the camera.

    Ernest: Hi, Milie, hi, Milie, hi, Milie!

    Ernest crashes into Milo, who is operating the camera.

    Ernest (offscreen) Oh dear, I hope I haven't broken anything!

    Milo: Nah, da camera's all right.

    Ernest: I meant me, silly! Tsssst-sssst-sssst! Oh, my stars, you're such a silly-billy!

    Dad: YAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Turn it off! Turn it off!

    More and more clips of Ernest appear; Ernest in a pirate costume; Ernest falling out of a tree; Ernest skipping down the sidewalk; Ernest thumbing his nose at Dad behind his back, then giggling, etc.


    Milo: Oh no, Dad...da fun is just beginnin'...

    The clips roll on.
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Early the next morning...

    Milo is finishing a bowl of Cocoa Krispies. He looks at the clock.

    Milo: Ya ready, Dad?

    Dad enters, in full Terminator apparel; despite his rather ridiculous look, Dad strikes quite a menacing figure.

    Dad: Let's. Do it.

    Milo: Okay. Today is Saturday, so Ernest is likely ta be at da park chasin' butterflies. He don't do nuthin' wit 'em...he just giggles like some demented hyena, and chases dem around.

    Dad: Makes. Me. Sick.

    Milo: Me too, Dad.

    Milo suddenly breaks into song; Dad woodenly does choreographed hand gestures behind him, in rhythm.


    My Pop, my Dad, he loves me again!
    Oh happy day, he loves me again!
    An' all I hadda do was a little brainwashin'!

    I'm sure it didn't hoit, he seems absolutely fine,
    But if it did, meh, who cares, my Daddy is once again mine!

    He's gonna terminate my former best friend,
    A square, a looney tune, his life is gonna end
    At da hands of my Daddy--he loves me again!

    Melon head, yer goin' down!
    Yer gonna wish you was never born!
    An' da best part is--I ain't gonna be held accountable!

    Heh heh heh! Ho Ho Ho! Hee Hee Hee!


    Da doofus has less dan an hour ta live,
    So he'd better enjoy chasin' dose butterflies
    While he can!

    Oh happy day! Da crum-bum will be wiped away,
    An' me an' my Dad will be da best of pals,
    'Cause my Pop, my Dad, he loves me again!

    Ya ready Dad?

    Dad: Was ready. Two and a half minutes ago. Before you burst into song.

    Milo: Sorry. I couldn't contain myself. So how we gettin' dere? Gonna ride some kickbutt motorcycle?

    Dad: We will take the SUV.

    Milo (double take) Da...why you crum-bum, I oughta...

    Dad quickly advances on Milo, and lifts him off the floor, as if he weighed nothing.

    Milo: Da SUV will be fine!
  18. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    You make Bunsen so fruity! x)
    The dad thing cracked me up so bad. X)
    LOL, no, no, no! Not my Bunnie! ;_;

    You can take away my meat/candy, but you can neva take muh Bunniiieeee! </3
  19. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Dangling chocolate bloc from a fishing line... Huh? Whazat ma pet? Oh zhes, erm... *Casts the line in hopes of luring Claudia Monster back to posting her own.

    Never mind our zilleeness Tommy. Post ze story pleeze?
  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Ernest skips and frollicks through the park, chasing butterflies; he's like a Muppet version of SpongeBob, when the sponge goes hunting for jellyfish. Ernest even sings SpongeBob's "la la la la la" song as he joyfully hops around. He wears a pair of extra-thick, black-rimmed glasses (a la SpongeBob) for this particular hobby.

    Corky, sitting on a nearby bench, glances up from the newspaper he's reading; he shakes his head sadly at the spectacle in front of him, then goes back to the paper.

    A dark cloud suddenly descends upon the sunny scene. It's in the shape of Dad, a.k.a. the Terminator. He robotically walks toward the happy Ernest, who is completely unaware that he's about to meet his doom.

    Corky notices the Eagle/Terminator approaching his best friend. He stands and frantically gestures to Ernest.


    Ernest: Why, hello Corky! (waves) Have you changed your mind? Do you want to chase these happy butterflies with me?

    With determination, the Dad/Terminator continues to march toward Ernest.

    Corky: MEEEEE! Meemeemeemeemee!

    Ernest: Please do be quiet, Corkmeister, you're scaring them!

    Corky reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a hollow bamboo rod; he puts a tranquilizer dart into it and rushes to Dad.

    Ernest: Corky, what are you--(finally sees Dad) Oh, hello, Mr. Milie! Here to enjoy this lovely day with me?

    Dad: Must. Squash. Melon.

    Ernest: Why, what a silly thing to say! Tssstsssst-ssssst!

    Corky puts the rod to his mouth, and blows. The dart hits Dad in the neck.

    Dad (normal voice) Well that wasn't very nice. Ow!

    Dad collapses, unconscious.

    Ernest: What did you do that for, Corky? He only wanted to play with me!

    Corky rolls his eyes, puts his arm around Ernest, and walks with him, explaining, as only Corky can, what Dad was about to do.

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