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RedPiggy
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An Epic of Short Story Proportions
A little more than sixty million years ago, before the devastating Light of Darkness overtook the world, there was a small male dinosaur, as pink as his heart was pure.
Well, he was pink, anyway….
At any rate, he was crawling over to his crib when there was a knock on the door.
“Gimme a minute!” he screamed.
The knocking continued, this time louder and faster.
“I said wait a minute!” the boy cried out. “I haven’t learned to walk yet!”
At last the boy was able to pry open the door, only to fall back on his tailed rump, rolling over, for there outside the door stood the largest dinosaur he had ever seen: his scales were gray and a tall pointed brown hat with a wide brim sat precariously above three great white horns.
“M-M-Mr. Richfield?” the boy asked timidly. “Aren’t you the bad guy?”
The gigantic dinosaur scoffed, his face scowling, “I ain’t the bad guy! What makes you think I’m the bad guy?” His voice was gruff and predatory, enough to send shivers down the spine of any small dinosaur. “You comin’ wit’ me or not?”
“W-W-Where are we g-g-g-goin’?” the boy asked.
The large one bellowed, placing his hand on a cane the shape of a femur. “I am Bradley the Gray! I am tasked with draggin’ your sorry tail through thousands of miles of forest and meadow, only to chuck that hide of yours into Mt. Thunder!”
“Go chuck yourself,” the wee one shot back and began to turn around.
Bradley the Gray snarled and slammed his clawed fist down on the wee one’s house, smashing in the roof.
“Hey, the maid doesn’t come ‘til Monday!”
“Well, it ain’t like you’re gonna live to clean it either!” replied Bradley, reaching down and grabbing the small child out of the demolished house by his tail. “After you hit the lake of lava, I’m gonna sing a song about the Great, Late, and Deep Fried Baby Baggins!” he laughed maliciously.
“And you’re not the bad guy?”
After walking for several weeks, Baby Baggins bit Bradley the Gray on his horned crest, forcing the monstrous dinosaur to fling Baby off his shoulder, where he had been carried all this way, given that this was before cars and hence before car seats and so Baby’s presence would’ve been a hassle during the entire trip.
“Again!” Baby Baggins chirped happily, shaking the dust off his diapered rump.
“You’re gonna stay here while I drum up some more vic--, I mean, fellows. Can’t have a magical journey without fellows. We’re gonna form a fellowship.”
Baby’s already large eyes widened even more, his mouth agape. “We’re gonna go on a boat ride?”
“Hush up!” Bradley barked.
Toward sunset, Bradley the Gray reappeared, while Baby had formed a fire using whatever branches he found handy, plus Bradley the Gray’s lighter he pilfered. The aged wizard was followed by a brown Tyrannosaurus rex, whose large maw hung over his dainty three-fingered hands. Bradley pointed at the newcomer. “This is King Roy. He is lord of all he surveys, which given some terrible economic setbacks, amounts to half an acre.”
Minutes later, as the three were heating a pot of popcorn over the open flames, a turtle-faced dinosaur appeared, as well as a green iguanodon with a mohawk of spikes on his head.
“Forsooth, O Bradley the Gray,” the green one announced proudly, bowing, “Sid the Short and Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens humbly and loyally proclaim our willingness to join thee and thy tiny charge into the heart of battle.”
Sid the Short, carrying an axe, shrugged. “Does this quest have a 401k?”
Bradley the Gray stood, his eyes towering over the others. Even the fires of the camp seemed terrified and flickered nervously in his presence. He reached over to Baby Baggins and placed his scary looking hand behind Baby’s earhole and flicked his wrist, revealing in his hand a golden ring. Standing erect, Bradley noted, “I have asked all of you here to give a good thrashing to the worst of the worst, the Ruler of the Jewelry.”
Roy stood and knocked knees in fright. “B-B-But, da Rulah of da Jewelry is a complete monstah!” he protested. “No dinosaur has ever defeated da Rulah in battle!”
Bradley laughed heartily. “That’s why I got this ring! You think I’m gonna just hand it over to my wife or something? This here puppy’s gonna make the Ruler of the Jewelry grovel at our feet! We’re gonna team up an’ call ourselves the Fellowship of the --.”
“Baggins!” Baby blurted out.
Everyone stared at him.
Baby shrugged, annoyed. “Am I the main character or not?”
Several more weeks passed, as the Fellowship wandered, trying to decipher a map.
Roy stared, hunched over, as Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens tried to read. “I t’ink dis is da wrong way.”
“I know how to read a map. It’s written specifically by the Great Enchantress of the Greens in a special language only those from the Greens can read.”
King Roy glanced doubtfully at the archer. “Ain’t we goin’ to Mt. Thundah?”
“Yeah.”
Roy pointed his large head to his left. “But it’s da only volcano in da neighborhood, an’ all we gotta do is head t’rough my kingdom. It’s like a coupla miles’ walk.”
Robert growled and turned away. “No it’s not.”
Roy nodded. “Yeah, it is – we passed at least five road signs dat said to go da uttah way.”
Bradley the Gray growled, baring his sharp teeth. “You mean we’ve been walkin’ for weeks for no good reason?”
Sid shuddered and raised his hand meekly. “M-Maybe our esteemed Archer of the Greens merely meant to take us on a scenic route to allow for character development….”
Bradley roared, “This is a short story! Short! I ain’t a-readin’ no thousand-page snorefest an’ I ain’t lettin’ this moron handle the map anymore!”
The next day the Fellowship found themselves near a cave. Baby waited until the rest had fallen asleep and stole the ring from Bradley the Gray, given that it was like taking candy from a, well, you know.
Anyway, Baby entered the cave, only to hear muffled crying. As he crawled further inside, a small dinosaur like Baby in every way save skin color revealed himself to be sobbing on top of a boulder.
“Who are you?” Baby asked.
“I am the forgotten, the horribly underwritten, the mere cameo in later episodes – I am Audrey, and I lost a very important item that is supposed to help me with my allergies.”
“What kind of item is it?”
Audrey shrugged. “It was round and golden, a true sight to behold.” He paused and glanced at Baby nervously. “You’re from outside the cave, aren’t you? Please don’t come any closer – I am allergic to redwood trees and even the slightest whiff of their pollen sends me into sneezing fits! Look at me!” he continued, opening his shirt. “I am scales and bone! I haven’t been able to eat for weeks! If I don’t get my precious item, I might very well end up dead!”
Baby Baggins felt the ring in his shirt, staring off into the darkness of the cave pensively. “I might know where it is.”
Audrey’s eyes brightened. “Oh, do you?”
Baby nodded. “There’s this group lying outside fast asleep. If you sneak up to the big one, you can find it around one of his teeth. He said it was in honor of his favorite band or something.”
Audrey leapt at Baby, grabbing him by the hands and shaking them wildly. “Oh, thank you, kind dinosaur! I’m sure you’ll never regret helping poor, pitiful, bareboned Audrey!” Audrey ran out of the cave while Baby sighed and started doodling in the dirt.
A blood curdling scream forced Baby Baggins to leave the cave. The Fellowship was awake now, eating breakfast. Baby snickered to himself to see a thin roasted creature with a plump and smoldering tail rotating on a spit.
And that was the last anyone had ever seen of pitiful Audrey.
As they got done with going to the bathroom, having had too many beers last night, Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens started to snort with frustration.
King Roy and Sid slapped his shoulders. Well, Sid did, as Roy’s hands could barely make contact. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”
Robert sighed. “We are coming upon the Legendary Land of the Greens. I hate coming here.”
King Roy tilted his head in confusion. “But you live dere, doncha?”
Robert nodded. “Let’s just say I don’t exactly fit in.”
As the Fellowship passed under a giant banner announcing in the special language that they had arrived in such sacred lands, an obese green megalosaurus appeared in flowing robes. “Robbie?” he asked. “Didn’t I tell you – no strangers in the Sacred Land of the Greens? What’ll your mother think?”
Bradley the Gray slammed down his cane and snarled. “Let us in!”
“Okay,” the fat one muttered, bowing his head and retreating.
“Who was that?” Baby asked.
Robert facepalmed. “That’s the Green Large One. He is ruler over our kingdom. He’s a jerk. He never listens and he just sits on his little throne and watches TV all day. I’m never allowed to bring any friends over.” He turned toward the others. “If you want help to get to Mt. Thunder and defeat the Ruler of the Jewelry, your only chance is to get help from the Enchantress of the Greens.”
They agreed and got themselves deep into a swamp, where a run-down tavern stood, its lumber walls barely holding up the roof. Loud singing could be heard inside.
As they entered, Roy gasped and nearly fainted, propped up with difficulty by Sid the Short. “Get ahold of yourself!”
Roy finally managed to come around. “But … But … look at her!”
Onstage was an obese megalosaurus, dressed in white. “Howdy, y’all!” a very feminine voice drawled out, not sharp and deep like before.
“Not the Green Large One!” Baby shouted.
She laughed. “Now, yer as bright as a fallin’ meteor, little white britches!” She beckoned them over. “Ah just reckon y’all are here for some mighty goin’s on or somethin’.”
Bradley the Gray winked at her. “You’ve grown.”
The enchantress nodded and chuckled, blushing. “You too, sugah buns. You were about mah size all them years ago. What you been eatin’?”
Bradley shrugged. “A rhino here, a brontosaurus there ….”
The enchantress sighed and leaned back on her large haunches. “Ah, them were good ol’ days. Been wantin’ ta sing about them ol’ mem’ries for years now.”
*To be continued, as it’s late and the narrator got sleepy, LOL.*
A little more than sixty million years ago, before the devastating Light of Darkness overtook the world, there was a small male dinosaur, as pink as his heart was pure.
Well, he was pink, anyway….
At any rate, he was crawling over to his crib when there was a knock on the door.
“Gimme a minute!” he screamed.
The knocking continued, this time louder and faster.
“I said wait a minute!” the boy cried out. “I haven’t learned to walk yet!”
At last the boy was able to pry open the door, only to fall back on his tailed rump, rolling over, for there outside the door stood the largest dinosaur he had ever seen: his scales were gray and a tall pointed brown hat with a wide brim sat precariously above three great white horns.
“M-M-Mr. Richfield?” the boy asked timidly. “Aren’t you the bad guy?”
The gigantic dinosaur scoffed, his face scowling, “I ain’t the bad guy! What makes you think I’m the bad guy?” His voice was gruff and predatory, enough to send shivers down the spine of any small dinosaur. “You comin’ wit’ me or not?”
“W-W-Where are we g-g-g-goin’?” the boy asked.
The large one bellowed, placing his hand on a cane the shape of a femur. “I am Bradley the Gray! I am tasked with draggin’ your sorry tail through thousands of miles of forest and meadow, only to chuck that hide of yours into Mt. Thunder!”
“Go chuck yourself,” the wee one shot back and began to turn around.
Bradley the Gray snarled and slammed his clawed fist down on the wee one’s house, smashing in the roof.
“Hey, the maid doesn’t come ‘til Monday!”
“Well, it ain’t like you’re gonna live to clean it either!” replied Bradley, reaching down and grabbing the small child out of the demolished house by his tail. “After you hit the lake of lava, I’m gonna sing a song about the Great, Late, and Deep Fried Baby Baggins!” he laughed maliciously.
“And you’re not the bad guy?”
After walking for several weeks, Baby Baggins bit Bradley the Gray on his horned crest, forcing the monstrous dinosaur to fling Baby off his shoulder, where he had been carried all this way, given that this was before cars and hence before car seats and so Baby’s presence would’ve been a hassle during the entire trip.
“Again!” Baby Baggins chirped happily, shaking the dust off his diapered rump.
“You’re gonna stay here while I drum up some more vic--, I mean, fellows. Can’t have a magical journey without fellows. We’re gonna form a fellowship.”
Baby’s already large eyes widened even more, his mouth agape. “We’re gonna go on a boat ride?”
“Hush up!” Bradley barked.
Toward sunset, Bradley the Gray reappeared, while Baby had formed a fire using whatever branches he found handy, plus Bradley the Gray’s lighter he pilfered. The aged wizard was followed by a brown Tyrannosaurus rex, whose large maw hung over his dainty three-fingered hands. Bradley pointed at the newcomer. “This is King Roy. He is lord of all he surveys, which given some terrible economic setbacks, amounts to half an acre.”
Minutes later, as the three were heating a pot of popcorn over the open flames, a turtle-faced dinosaur appeared, as well as a green iguanodon with a mohawk of spikes on his head.
“Forsooth, O Bradley the Gray,” the green one announced proudly, bowing, “Sid the Short and Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens humbly and loyally proclaim our willingness to join thee and thy tiny charge into the heart of battle.”
Sid the Short, carrying an axe, shrugged. “Does this quest have a 401k?”
Bradley the Gray stood, his eyes towering over the others. Even the fires of the camp seemed terrified and flickered nervously in his presence. He reached over to Baby Baggins and placed his scary looking hand behind Baby’s earhole and flicked his wrist, revealing in his hand a golden ring. Standing erect, Bradley noted, “I have asked all of you here to give a good thrashing to the worst of the worst, the Ruler of the Jewelry.”
Roy stood and knocked knees in fright. “B-B-But, da Rulah of da Jewelry is a complete monstah!” he protested. “No dinosaur has ever defeated da Rulah in battle!”
Bradley laughed heartily. “That’s why I got this ring! You think I’m gonna just hand it over to my wife or something? This here puppy’s gonna make the Ruler of the Jewelry grovel at our feet! We’re gonna team up an’ call ourselves the Fellowship of the --.”
“Baggins!” Baby blurted out.
Everyone stared at him.
Baby shrugged, annoyed. “Am I the main character or not?”
Several more weeks passed, as the Fellowship wandered, trying to decipher a map.
Roy stared, hunched over, as Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens tried to read. “I t’ink dis is da wrong way.”
“I know how to read a map. It’s written specifically by the Great Enchantress of the Greens in a special language only those from the Greens can read.”
King Roy glanced doubtfully at the archer. “Ain’t we goin’ to Mt. Thundah?”
“Yeah.”
Roy pointed his large head to his left. “But it’s da only volcano in da neighborhood, an’ all we gotta do is head t’rough my kingdom. It’s like a coupla miles’ walk.”
Robert growled and turned away. “No it’s not.”
Roy nodded. “Yeah, it is – we passed at least five road signs dat said to go da uttah way.”
Bradley the Gray growled, baring his sharp teeth. “You mean we’ve been walkin’ for weeks for no good reason?”
Sid shuddered and raised his hand meekly. “M-Maybe our esteemed Archer of the Greens merely meant to take us on a scenic route to allow for character development….”
Bradley roared, “This is a short story! Short! I ain’t a-readin’ no thousand-page snorefest an’ I ain’t lettin’ this moron handle the map anymore!”
The next day the Fellowship found themselves near a cave. Baby waited until the rest had fallen asleep and stole the ring from Bradley the Gray, given that it was like taking candy from a, well, you know.
Anyway, Baby entered the cave, only to hear muffled crying. As he crawled further inside, a small dinosaur like Baby in every way save skin color revealed himself to be sobbing on top of a boulder.
“Who are you?” Baby asked.
“I am the forgotten, the horribly underwritten, the mere cameo in later episodes – I am Audrey, and I lost a very important item that is supposed to help me with my allergies.”
“What kind of item is it?”
Audrey shrugged. “It was round and golden, a true sight to behold.” He paused and glanced at Baby nervously. “You’re from outside the cave, aren’t you? Please don’t come any closer – I am allergic to redwood trees and even the slightest whiff of their pollen sends me into sneezing fits! Look at me!” he continued, opening his shirt. “I am scales and bone! I haven’t been able to eat for weeks! If I don’t get my precious item, I might very well end up dead!”
Baby Baggins felt the ring in his shirt, staring off into the darkness of the cave pensively. “I might know where it is.”
Audrey’s eyes brightened. “Oh, do you?”
Baby nodded. “There’s this group lying outside fast asleep. If you sneak up to the big one, you can find it around one of his teeth. He said it was in honor of his favorite band or something.”
Audrey leapt at Baby, grabbing him by the hands and shaking them wildly. “Oh, thank you, kind dinosaur! I’m sure you’ll never regret helping poor, pitiful, bareboned Audrey!” Audrey ran out of the cave while Baby sighed and started doodling in the dirt.
A blood curdling scream forced Baby Baggins to leave the cave. The Fellowship was awake now, eating breakfast. Baby snickered to himself to see a thin roasted creature with a plump and smoldering tail rotating on a spit.
And that was the last anyone had ever seen of pitiful Audrey.
As they got done with going to the bathroom, having had too many beers last night, Robert Mark the Archer of the Greens started to snort with frustration.
King Roy and Sid slapped his shoulders. Well, Sid did, as Roy’s hands could barely make contact. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”
Robert sighed. “We are coming upon the Legendary Land of the Greens. I hate coming here.”
King Roy tilted his head in confusion. “But you live dere, doncha?”
Robert nodded. “Let’s just say I don’t exactly fit in.”
As the Fellowship passed under a giant banner announcing in the special language that they had arrived in such sacred lands, an obese green megalosaurus appeared in flowing robes. “Robbie?” he asked. “Didn’t I tell you – no strangers in the Sacred Land of the Greens? What’ll your mother think?”
Bradley the Gray slammed down his cane and snarled. “Let us in!”
“Okay,” the fat one muttered, bowing his head and retreating.
“Who was that?” Baby asked.
Robert facepalmed. “That’s the Green Large One. He is ruler over our kingdom. He’s a jerk. He never listens and he just sits on his little throne and watches TV all day. I’m never allowed to bring any friends over.” He turned toward the others. “If you want help to get to Mt. Thunder and defeat the Ruler of the Jewelry, your only chance is to get help from the Enchantress of the Greens.”
They agreed and got themselves deep into a swamp, where a run-down tavern stood, its lumber walls barely holding up the roof. Loud singing could be heard inside.
As they entered, Roy gasped and nearly fainted, propped up with difficulty by Sid the Short. “Get ahold of yourself!”
Roy finally managed to come around. “But … But … look at her!”
Onstage was an obese megalosaurus, dressed in white. “Howdy, y’all!” a very feminine voice drawled out, not sharp and deep like before.
“Not the Green Large One!” Baby shouted.
She laughed. “Now, yer as bright as a fallin’ meteor, little white britches!” She beckoned them over. “Ah just reckon y’all are here for some mighty goin’s on or somethin’.”
Bradley the Gray winked at her. “You’ve grown.”
The enchantress nodded and chuckled, blushing. “You too, sugah buns. You were about mah size all them years ago. What you been eatin’?”
Bradley shrugged. “A rhino here, a brontosaurus there ….”
The enchantress sighed and leaned back on her large haunches. “Ah, them were good ol’ days. Been wantin’ ta sing about them ol’ mem’ries for years now.”
*To be continued, as it’s late and the narrator got sleepy, LOL.*
Ju mean the one with the sexy Sally Kellermans voice okay?