Ah, MST3K! So many memories...
The Wild World of Batwoman - a strange film, complete with go-go dancers, a mad scientist with a bizarre accent, a "hunchbacked" assistant with goofy facial contortions (like Charlie Callas with the "mute" button on), and what looks like a Mexican wrestler in a Zorro outfit prowling around.
Jack Frost - horrendous Scandanavian "children's film" about a fair maiden who seeks her true love with the help of Jack Frost. Mike: "So the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!" Mike: "This is the early version of Snow White, called 'Snow White and the One Normal Sized Person'." Mike: "All the names [in the credits] are Russian for Alan Smithee." Oh, and the hero of the film goes clomping around in a giant bear's head for a few reels.
Red Zone Cuba - don't even ask me to explain the plot of this needlessly convoluted Coleman Francis "thriller." Features an actor wearing an obviously fake beard hooked over his ears. I think he was supposed to be playing Castro or something. As a bonus, John Carradine (who has a small role) sings the theme song!
The Horror of Party Beach - filmed right here in Connecticut! I think I even recognize some of the locations! Nonsense about radioactive monsters with googly eyes (yes, there is a Cookie Monster reference) who prey on young beachgoers and have a thing for crashing slumber parties. Also features several musical numbers by a group of kids so clean-cut they make Pat Boone look like Marilyn Manson.
Time Chasers - a nerdy scientist (whose chin resembles a "dinner roll," according to Crow) travels back and forth in time. Clever host segments, in which Crow travels back to 1985 and attempts to stop fry-cook Mike from taking a job as a temp (which, as noted previously, is what got him into space). Somehow Mike's evil, beer-swilling "brother" Eddie (also Mike) gets on the SOL and watches a good portion of the movie, making snide comments at the flick and abusing the 'Bots. Later, Crow ponders, "who did they think this movie would appeal to anyway? Elderly squirrels?"
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank - shot-on-videotape sci-fi nonsense made for public television, starring Raul Julia in a futuristic society. At one point, Julia and his female co-star find themselves re-enacting a scene from Casablanca. Tom sighs, "well at least they didn't pick a good movie to steal from." Good host segments spoofing PBS pledge drives.
The Sidehackers - two rival gangs take their lives in their hands by playing a violent motor game called "sidehacking." Features a thug named "Gooch" in a goofy hat. Joel and the 'Bots sing "The Sidehacking Song."
Godzilla vs. Megalon - Godzilla battles a primitive Power Ranger. Includes the hilarious "Orville Popcorn" spoof, where Crow, as popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, verbally abuses his grandson, played by Tom.
Pod People - low-budget E.T. ripoff about furry creatures with long snouts that come to earth. A boy befriends one of the creatures, and names it "Trumpy." Trumpy's powers are...well, they're less than spectacular, to say the least. As Joel flatly says, "Trumpy, you could do stupid things!" Somehow a pop group figures into this mess, and they instantly become the butt of Joel, Tom and Crow. We see the group in the studio recording a song that sounds like they're saying "burning rubber tires." At the end of the take, the producer asks the lead singer how he thought it sounded. The singer smiles, makes the "okay" sign, then sneers "it stinks!" Of course, the very next host segment features Joel and the 'Bots parodying this song, making up their own words to the almost-indecipherable lyrics. When Dr. F asks Joel how it sounded, he smiles, makes the "okay" sign, then sneers "it stinks!" BTW, Crow comes up with the ultimate tagline for this movie: "ALF's back, and this time it's personal!"
Eegah! - a "monster movie" about a modern-day caveman who lusts after the daughter of a professor. Film stars Richard Kiel as the cavemen Eegah, who would later play Jaws in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. Also with Arch Hall, Jr. as the "hero" who sings a couple of songs; the film was directed by his dad, who plays the professor. First time the MST3K catchphrase "watch out for snakes!" was used.
Operation 007 - one of the many Bond knockoffs made at the height of Bondmania in the 1960s, this one has the distinction of starring Connery...Neil Connery, Sean's brother. Joel and the 'Bots make a habit out of having the characters in the film ask for Neil's brother's autograph.
The Touch of Satan - early 70s schlock about a young man who falls in love with a witch. Kind of like Bewitched, except for the violence...and the fact that the guy doesn't know the girl is a witch until the end. This film has one of the most absurd, ridiculous lines ever uttered in a motion picture. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if this film was picked just for this one line alone. As the boy and girl walk dreamily along the lake, the girl stops, points at the lake, and says "This is where the fish lives." Completely straight-faced. Even Mike, Crow and Tom are silent for a few moments, unable to fire off a quip. This is where the fish lives. Classic!
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders - a jovial grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) tells his mush-mouthed little grandson a rather gruesome bedtime story about Merlin the magician and a cymbal-playing monkey toy that kills every time its cymbals clash. One of the funniest shots in the film has Merlin, decked out in full regalia, cap, flowing robes and all, walking down a modern-day street, desperately seeking the deadly monkey. Mike's reaction is priceless: "see, the problem is, he's stopping people at random and asking, 'have you seen my monkey'?"
The Girl in Gold Boots - a young woman (who dances like Elaine from Seinfeld, according to Mike) tries to make it as a go-go dancer. On her journey, she is accompanied by a sleazy Regis Philbin lookalike and a scruffy draft dodger named "Critter."
Manos the Hands of Fate - a fan favorite. A couple and their little girl get lost, and wind up at the abode of "the Master" and Torgo, a manservant who looks like he's smuggling watermelons in his trousers.
Mitchell - probably my all-time favorite episode. Joe Don Baker IS Mitchell, a cop who is pitted against drug dealers. The quips in this one come fast and furious. Most of the jokes are at the expense of Joe Don and his appetite. Classic scene in which a kid annoys Mitchell while on stakeout. Oh, and two words: baby oil. Eeeeeeewwwwww!!!!!!! Also with John Saxon, Linda Evans, Martin Balsam and Merlin Olson.
Final Justice - the second Joe Don Baker flick spoofed on the show. Almost as funny as Mitchell. More Joe Don Baker jokes. Miss Piggy reference. Even the end credits are mocked. Over the theme, Crow and Tom make up words pertaining to Joe Don and his supposed heavy appetite ("hey baby, you gonna finish that sandwich?") Eventually Mike tires of this and leaves the theatre, while the 'Bots are still going at it. Crow: "Listen to that guitar solo. I think it's by Eric Clap...yeah, Eric Clap."
Squirm - actually, this film isn't all that bad. In fact its maker, on the DVD commentary of the movie proper, said he intended this killer worm movie to be funny. Still, this is a standout episode, with a classic short, A Case of Spring Fever, at the top of the show. In this short, made in the 1950s, a lout of a husband thinks the world would be a better place without springs. He is visited by a creepy sprite named "Coilie," who teaches him the error of his ways.
There are so many more classic episodes: Kitten With a Whip (starring Ann-Margret), Werewolf, Hobgoblins, Daddy-O, Teenagers From Outer Space, Teenage Caveman (with Robert Vaughn), Swamp Diamonds, Monster a Go-Go, Bride of the Monster, I Accuse My Parents, The Brain That Wouldn't Die and I Was a Teenage Werewolf (another not bad film) among many, many others. The few I mentioned are standouts, IMHO.
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