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How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by charlietheowl, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. Ozymandias

    Ozymandias Well-Known Member

    YOU USED THE TALKING FRUITS. That is fantastic. :D Also, it's good to see Newsie doing a really good job at his reporting and not have something fall on him for a change. :) It's good to give the guy a break.
    charlietheowl likes this.
  2. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    oh my god THE FRUIT IS REVOLTING!!

    hee hee, always wanted to say that...

    LOVE IT! Love the line about Piggy slapping BabaWawa, the Fleet jokes, and especially I love how you portrayed Newsie as the pro he truly is! Finally! Much fun -- thank you so much for this update!

    And of course he uses Purell. He carries a little bottle on his keychain at all times...hmm. Maybe he and Boober should talk...

    Thank you! :news:
  3. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Hey y'all. Here we go with the next trip into the lives of the Muppets. Enter Floyd and Janice!


    Janice sat in the passenger seat of her convertible, adjusting her hair in the rear view mirror while Floyd pulled into the long driveway of the Greater Los Angeles County School For Gifted and Talented Whatnots and Assorted Animals.

    "Wow, Floyd, I can't believe that the school is having us come in and play for the kids. It's, like so cool to show the kids the power of a good tune."

    Floyd eased the convertible into a parking space and turned to face Janice. "You know baby, it's the least we could do. The kids need the music like peanut butter needs jelly."

    With the success of the Muppet Theater and show, the gang found themselves in possession of more money than they knew what to do with. A lot of the money went to a communal pot, devoted to the upkeep of the boarding house and other group costs. However, everybody got their own checks, and had free reign to invest and spend on whatever. Scooter got himself a new iPad, Dr. Teeth bought the original mellotron used by Ian McDonald on In The Court of the Crimson King, Gonzo installed a high jump in the backyard, the list went on. But one of the best things that came from having money was the ability to help the less fortunate out with it, so the gang provided for a new music education program at the local school. Money for instruments, a new addition to the school, and the hiring of a full-time teacher was provided by their generous donation. The teacher, Miss Marilyn Dunphy, a young, excitable giraffe, met Floyd and Janice by their car.

    Towering over the two of them, Marilyn's good cheer was enough to nearly bowl them over.

    "Hello! It's great to see you! The children are excited to see you! If the instruments could talk, I'm sure they'd be excited to see you too!"

    Floyd shook his head slowly. "Good to see you too."

    Janice shook Marilyn's hand. "So, um, where are the little kiddies?"

    "Oh yes! The music classroom is right this way," she said as she gestured towards an open door on the far side of the school.

    The three of them made their way into the school, which was built surprisingly large to accommodate the monsters and animals of all sizes that entered their doors. Inside the music classroom, which was built in a new extension off of the cafeteria, were all sorts of instruments. Violins, violas, and cellos, all sorts of brass and reeds, pianos, keyboards, guitars, basses, even a giant harp in the back where a wide-eyed oversized red furry monster was trying to figure out the best way to play it. Lots of kids were sitting around, idly playing their instruments or just talking to each other while they waited for the teacher to start class.

    "Like, wow, this is the best classroom of ever! These kids sure are lucky, my school's music program didn't even have a full-time teacher or a guitar. I had to learn the viola. No offense-" she gestured towards a gazelle brandishing a viola like a gun who shot her a dirty look- " but the guitar is so much more exciting."

    "My school didn't even have a music program," said an impressed Floyd. "I learned guitar from a guy busking on the street in front of the grocery store I worked at. After a couple lessons I bagged out on bagging' groceries and took my acoustic to the streets myself."

    Marilyn was impressed.

    "I thought you played bass, Floyd?"

    "I picked up bass at Berkelee College of Music."

    "Oh! That's so amazing! Let me get the kids organized."

    Marilyn moved to the front of the classroom and clapped her hands excitedly.

    "Kids, kids. We have some special guests today."


    "Did they bring food, because lunch sucked today?"

    "Terry you idiot, if you wanted free food you should have signed up with the cooking program."

    "Ahem. You all know that Kermit the Frog and the Muppets provided the generous donation that built this music program-"


    "I like that dog, what's his name, Ralph?"

    "My mom won't let me watch their show, she says it's too racy."

    "-so we have two of the Muppets here today to talk about music and play with you guys."

    "Aw man, did the rat come? He's so funny."

    "Miss Dunphy, can I go blow my nose?"

    "Where'd I put my cell phone?"

    "Have you guys heard of the Electric Mayhem?"

    "Are they on Roc-A-Fella?"

    "Were they on The Voice?"

    "Too poppy."

    "Well, we've got their guitarist Janice and bassist Floyd to answer all your questions. Remember, I told you yesterday afternoon to think of questions to ask them."

    Blank stares met Marilyn's eyes.

    "All right, here they are, Floyd and Janice."

    Floyd and Janice slowly walked out in front of the class, whispering to each other.

    "Man, these kids are some rowdy little youngsters."

    "Like, I think one of them is making spitballs!"

    "Hey everybody! So we hear you guys are studying music."


    "Floyd and I have been making music for a long time-"

    "That's what I heard on TMZ."

    The little green monster who cracked that comment slapped five with the giant brown one next to him.

    Janice huffed under her breath and Floyd took over.

    "So do you little rascals have any questions for us, about what it's like to be a touring musician, or picking up an instrument, or anything that's burning a hole in your mind?"

    A gawky looking ostrich raised his hand.

    "How long does it take you to write a song? I've been trying to write my own song for the piano, but it's really hard."

    Janice answered. "Like what a good question! It really depends on, you know, my mood. Like have you heard the song "You Can't Take No For An Answer"?"

    The ostrich shook his head no.

    Floyd cut in. "Really? That song was a Top 40 hit. They don't play that on the radio anymore?"

    Janice shot him a bemused look and stepped back in. "Like, I had the idea for the chorus, and then I played it for Dr. Teeth, and we came up with the verses in like an hour."

    "Wow! I've been working on my song for a whole week."

    "What's it about? Love? A pretty girl?"

    "Actually, it's a suite about Fiver from Watership Down. I'm having a hard time working out the bridge for the second movement after the organ solo."

    "Sounds, um, ambitious. Like, just have faith in yourself, and it'll work out. Next question?"

    A small parrot raised her hand.

    "Do you guys play any other instruments aside from the guitar and bass?"

    Floyd answered first. "I play a little guitar, I tickle the ivories, I hit the sticks."

    "I used to play the viola before I took up guitar, and it's really a good instrument in the end," said Janice taking great pains to make eye contact with the gazelle she offended before, who still had a dirty look on her face, but had eased off of waving the viola like a weapon.

    Floyd smiled. "Any other questions? How about you hep cat with the glasses?"


    "It's a figure of speech."

    "Oh. Well, I wanted to know which of the Muppets was the nicest to you guys?"

    "That's got to be my main man, Rowlf the Dog, he's the top tickler of the ivories in the continental 48. Always willing to jam with me when I need to work out a new song."

    Janice stepped in. "Like, I definitely agree with Floyd here. Rowlf's just a really nice guy. I love doing those Veterinarian's Hospital skits."

    "How about Kermit? Is he a nice boss?"

    Both Muppets nodded in assent, and Janice spoke up first.

    "Like, I can't tell you how many times Kermit has helped me out of a tricky jam. Like this one time, this crook said he was going to start a website with these pictures of me he like found of me at the beach-"

    Marilyn cut in, terrified about what Janice was going to say. "What great questions! You guys are being very well behaved today! Timmy, how about you ask your question now?"

    The monster who was playing the harp before raised his hand.

    "Janice, are you and Floyd married?"

    This question raised the attention level of the rest of the class by three-fold.

    "Well they said on Chelsea Lately-"

    "She used to go out with the sax player, I think."

    Marilyn leapt out of her seat aside Janice and Floyd to try and restore order in the class.

    "Timmy! That's not appropriate to ask our guests. Stick to music questions from now on."

    However, her cries went unanswered, as the class erupted in a din of rumors and innuendo.

    "What's the sax player's name again? Boober? Zooter?"

    "Zoot, you dummy."

    "I heard Janice had a crush on Lips."

    "Lips? I bet she was the one who hired him, to give her squeeze a steady job."

    "I wonder if Kermit and Piggy are really married too."

    "I heard that Piggy and Link-"

    "Man, you're crazy, it's her and Fozzie-"

    Marilyn continued to plead with the class to quiet down, but it was a lost cause. Janice and Floyd remained bewildered at the front of the classroom.

    "Aren't you glad we never had any kids? Like, they're so nosy."

    "The kids mean well, they're just a little jumpy, a little excited. Somebody put some extra sugar in their coffee this morning."

    Marilyn turned around.

    "I'm sorry that the class isn't behaving, but I'll get them under control in a moment. But- just between you and me- are you guys married or not? I'm dying to know."

    Coming up "next": Miss Piggy gets to direct a play, but will her cast get in the way of her vision and dreams of Tony awards?
    WebMistressGina and newsmanfan like this.
  4. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    Heh heh heh heh...like, totally, y'know? :sing:

    Ah, Muppet gossip. The bane of everyone's existence except Fleet Scribbler. VERY cute that the longtime steady couple should have to face a bunch of snotnosed gossiphounds...or mongeese...whatever. Nothing matters but the tuneage!

    LOVE the "Crimson King" ref. Dude...you just dated yourself, no matter how old you are! And too bad the kids were more interested in the Mayhem Loveline than in actually jamming with them...but hey, what'd you expect from summer school?

    charlietheowl likes this.
  5. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    With all those keyboards Dr. Teeth plays, I figure he has to be a progressive rock fan. Those mellotrons and Moog synthesizers and everything else make quite the collection of sounds. (I downloaded some albums by Argent speaking of progressive rock- "Hold Your Head High" is a classic.) I think the Electric Mayhem were an arty band at heart.
  6. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    Just no ELP...please, no....

  7. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    What, you didn't want all three parts of "Karn Evil Nine" on the mix CD?!
  8. Katzi428

    Katzi428 Well-Known Member

    Hi Charlie! Sorry I hadn't posted about how I like the story so far. But I'm loving it! The part with :hungry: really made me crack up! (Only HE would get into a precament like that!:rolleyes:.) Keep it coming. The first part w/Kermit & Robin was sweet too. :)
    charlietheowl likes this.
  9. Slackbot

    Slackbot Well-Known Member

    *laughs* I want to say that maybe they'd have made more of an impression on the uncultured twerps if they started out with some music, but I have a feeling that that wouldn't have impressed them either. Thanks for a fun story.
    charlietheowl likes this.
  10. Katzi428

    Katzi428 Well-Known Member

    Grrr.:rolleyes: .I meant predicament. Hopefully you knew what I meant in my post.
  11. Ozymandias

    Ozymandias Well-Known Member

    I love this little bit of backstory you gave to Floyd, I really do. :) I can really see that happening in my head. Hmmmm, I may have to draw that now. :D

    Charlie, can I just say that you are the best? And that the second I read the words "Fiver from Watership Down" I gasped out loud, squee'd and wanted to listen to it all at once? :) Totally made my day.

    *waits eagerly for more, munches on popcorn*
    charlietheowl likes this.
  12. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind comments! I always pictured that the Electric Mayhem sort of came together from "humble beginnings", like street playing or something. Their ability to play all sorts of different kinds of music lends me to believe that, as perhaps before they landed with the Muppets, they would play whatever paid them. Wedding band one night, bar mitzvah the next, that sort of thing.
  13. miss kermie

    miss kermie Well-Known Member

    Ha Ha Ha, God, I love kids!

    Thos question had me thinking, "And then the next question will be, who's the meanest, and Piggy shall be mentioned!

    Shows what he knows, don't it?

    My thoughts exactly.


    Wow, kids gossip like... Like teens and adults! LOL

    For me, that was a, "I knew it/ I object" moment!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  14. mostlikemokey

    mostlikemokey Well-Known Member

    I thought I'd just stop and say yhat you really know how to wright dialouge. This last chapter was so cute! You really know how kids talk!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  15. mostlikemokey

    mostlikemokey Well-Known Member

    Goodness, I just noticed that I make a lot of typos!:laugh:
  16. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Happens to the best of us!
  17. Slackbot

    Slackbot Well-Known Member

    Not too me.
    Ozymandias and charlietheowl like this.
  18. charlietheowl

    charlietheowl Well-Known Member

    Back again with some more fic! I want to preface this one than I do not own the rights to not only the Muppets, but also the plays mentioned in this story. Both The Glass Menagerie and Cat On A Hot Tin Roof are written by Tennessee Williams. Don't worry, you don't have to have read either play to enjoy the story, all you need is an appreciation for Piggy and Link Hogthrob arguing.

    Miss Piggy walked out onto the rehearsal stage, which was lavishly covered with the trappings of a bedroom. A giant king size bed with white sheets, massive wood-paneled television console, an ornate and well-stocked bar, and a large mirror hanging over the bed.

    "Perfect!", she said to herself. "The set looks fantastic. Now if only I could get the actors in line as well."

    Directing a play was hard work, but Piggy was determined to pull it off. She had been playing (no pun intended) with the idea for a couple of years, since she decided to do a little stage work as a change of pace. She stepped in to play the role of Amanda in Tennessee Williams' The Glass Menagerie for a two-week run in New York in between changes in the lead role, and did a smash-up job. The press noted that she could hold her own with the challenging source material, and not overplay as was her alleged forte in Muppet productions. But aside from the positive reviews (which certainly never hurt), the thrill of the stage was what excited her. Sure, filming the new show they always gave off the idea that everything was live, and while some things were spontaneous, but a lot of it was rehearsed to perfection. There was a challenge to being on stage; the high-wire act of having to be on top of her game no matter what the conditions or circumstances motivated her. It reminded her of the early days of the Muppets, when they did a lot of local shows and live work, where the crowds could swing an event easily.

    The success of her work in New York had drawn the attention of the American Porcine Theater Company, who offered her creative control on their planned summer adaptation of Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, citing her familiarity with the work of Tennessee Williams. She was unsure at first; after all, it was a big step to go from merely acting to directing a show. But after a lot of gentle encouragement from Kermit, she accepted and went to work.

    Things were hard, especially when she found that "creative control" meant "please mold these actors into something presentable". The American Porcine Theater Company, although extremely prestigious, had fallen on some hard times in regards to actors and really needed this production to come off well. Piggy wanted to play Margaret, but directing and playing a lead role was just too much, so she had to open it up for auditions.

    Unfortunately, the leading candidate for the role had been none other than Annie Sue, who Piggy drove out of the Muppet Theater on a rail back so long ago. Annie Sue had since turned to the stage, and had a rather accomplished career in musicals, working her way from traveling productions of Three's Company! Live! to playing the lead role in a revival of Annie Get Your Gun. She looked at this as her chance to prove she could do serious drama, not just fluff. Piggy expected to toss her out of the audition room by her ears, but Annie Sue was good. Not just good, but great. Fantastic. Tony material. Even Piggy had to admit it. She became Margaret, had the accent perfect, the mannerisms, everything. Piggy wanted to fire her, she wanted to embarrass her, but this was not the time for something petty. Annie Sue could give the show the lift it desperately needed.

    However, no such lift was coming from her Brick. Link Hogthrob had been the only candidate willing to tackle such a role, and Piggy had no other chance but to hire him for Brick. Annie Sue wiped the floor with him during the table reads, and Piggy worried that the entire play wouldn't work. He had proven to be even weaker an actor than from his Muppet material. Piggy thought his days on My Stepfather, The Pig, his short-lived sitcom would have made him a slightly better actor, but if anything it made him more egotistical. Link offered his two cents on every issue, from staging to the depictions of other characters to what shape of mirror best reflected his looks (rectangular). Link thought he was Al Pacino, and he could barely get through a scene without fouling up.

    Everything else was comparatively easy; the smaller roles were casted easily, her vision for the set was built to perfection, but Link proved to be the toughest hurdle to lift. Today was the first real official dress rehearsal, and Piggy had carefully instructed him to bring his "A-game" tomorrow, or else she was going to see to it that his dressing room was relocated to the alley behind the theater.

    "All right, everybody. Today is a big day- BIG DAY- and I hope everybody is ready for a long day, because we're going to work until everything looks perfect."

    Her group of actors seemed excited. All right, she thought to herself, We've got this now.

    "Let's start from the beginning of the first scene. Annie, Link, to your places."

    Annie took her place next to the bedroom door, or what would have been the door had the set been completely finished. Link obscured himself behind the bathroom door which was next to the giant bed. The bathroom had been a point of contention to Link, as he insisted that the prop sink needed to have water connected to it even during rehearsals as the bathroom would otherwise not be "authentic". Piggy, unwilling to shell out for a temporary sink deferred until Link tried to modify the sink himself, nearly shattering the walls of the set in the process. A new sink was quickly hauled in the next day.

    "Ready, one, two, three, action," yelled Piggy.

    Annie stormed onto the stage, perfectly capturing the high-strung, anxious attitude of Margaret.

    "One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a hot buttered biscuit so I have to change!"

    Link was supposed to poke his head out of the bathroom to address Annie Sue, but he instead chose to recite his lines from inside the bathroom.

    "Wha'd you say Maggie? Water was on so loud I couldn't hear you."

    "CUT! Link, you're supposed to stand in the bathroom door to say that line."

    "But Piggy," said Link as he advanced towards the front of the stage. "It doesn't say that he finished using the bathroom in the stage directions."

    Piggy was taken aback. "What are you talking about? You're supposed to hear Margaret enter the room, yell, and then peek out of the bathroom."

    "But did Brick use the bathroom before Maggie came in?"

    "Why would that matter to your reading of the scene?"

    "It changes everything, Piggy."

    Piggy knew Link was a little thick and full of himself, but this was too much for her. She took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself before continuing onward.

    "Exactly how would what Brick was doing in the bathroom affect the scene and his character?"

    "Can he not hear Maggie because of the toilet and the sink or just the sink? The sonics are different."

    Annie Sue flopped down onto the bed and pulled a laptop out of behind the pillows. She had clearly know something like this was going to happen and planned accordingly. Meanwhile, Piggy advanced onto the stage to address Link directly.

    "Imagine that you just went into the bathroom just to wash your hands, and only the sink is making noise."

    "Okay, that's better. Now I can proceed."

    Piggy shook her head and signaled for Annie Sue to return offstage.

    "Ready, one, two, three, action!"

    "One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a hot-buttered biscuit so I have to change!"

    Link turned off the water and leaned out the door of the bathroom. Piggy gave a barely perceptible sigh of relief that Link was able to get that stage direction correct.

    "Wha'd you say Maggie? Water was on so loud that I could't hear you."

    "I just remarked that one of the no-neck monsters-"

    "They're not monsters, they're children, precious children, beautiful children, and you should speak of them better."

    Piggy's eyes went wide. Link improvising again?!! "CUT! CUT!"

    She stormed onto the stage, immediately running past the slack-jawed Annie Sue, who was staring incredulously at Link, and immediately went into to doorway of the bathroom to address him.

    "Link! What was that little speech? Brick does not care about the children! He does not care about anything aside from what's in his glass and his friend Skipper. He is not going to deliver some speech like that…that sounds like it came from an episode of your crummy sitcom's finale. Explain yourself."

    Link shrugged his shoulders. "Well, Piggy, I decided to put my own spin on the character of Brick. You know, it's called artistic license. And my sitcom was not crummy. It lasted for seventeen episodes and is still shown in reruns in Latvia. We might even be reviving the show over there."

    "Artistic license! Artistic license! I gave you no such permission-"

    "Piggy, have you actually read this play? And by read, I mean read. You know, reading."

    Piggy had not heard such gobbledygook and double talk since she helped Kermit write a Planet Koozebane sketch, and was somehow utterly shocked at Link's attitude. Piggy took a glance back and saw that Annie Sue had resumed her spot on the bed using her laptop, and had somehow acquired a salad, iced tea, and tray table. She clearly had to have known this was coming, Piggy thought to herself.

    "Where in the play could you have any reason that Brick is a devoted family man? Please point this out to me. Enlighten me."

    Having thrust a script into Link's hand, Piggy tapped her foot while he flipped through the pages, increasingly more and more frantically until he dropped the script.

    "Piggy, Piggy, Piggy, there's no need to rely on the script as the best way to read the play."


    "You have to feel the script in order to read it properly. You know, like how I used to handle Pigs In Space. I felt the script, looked between the lines, between every possible angle, and then decided how to act."

    "You just made cracks at me and looked in a mirror. Now, why are you playing Brick like this?"

    "This play needs to be funnier. It's…it's…too heavy. That's not what the audience wants."

    "They darn sure want it, they darn sure know that this play is heavy, that's what it's supposed to be. Now go back and read your lines the right way before I fire you."

    Link shuffled off back into the bathroom. "Gee, Piggy, when we did My Stepfather, The Pig, The TV Movie: The Vacation the directors used to let me down whatever I wanted."

    "Please. Just follow the script. Please."

    "Okay, but are you sure I can't change-"

    "Follow. The. Script."


    Piggy slowly crept back to her chair, and proceeded to start the scene again. Hopefully it would go well this time.

    "Three, two, one-"

    Link cried out again. "Piggy, wait."

    "What is it now Link? Would you like me to change the name of your character? The name of the play?"

    "How about getting this toilet hooked up as well? Adds to the ambience and improves the sonics."

    Coming up "next": A short play starring Animal, Zoot, and Lips.
  19. miss kermie

    miss kermie Well-Known Member

    I love Link's stupidity! It kept me laughing! LOL!!!
    charlietheowl likes this.
  20. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    *roaring silently*

    Oh geez. SO much to love here. I take it "My Stepfather, the Pig" is a spinoff of "My Mother the Car"? The American Porcine Theatre Co? Please please tell me that at least there does not in actuality exist a stage version (with music, no less) of "Three's Company"...Annie as Chrissie....yeeek!

    This is hilarious. Link is proof that no mind is a terrible thing to give acting classes to so that it presumes to know The Art. LOVE IT.

    As a former techie...um...I could help you with that onstage plumbing problem...
    charlietheowl likes this.

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