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Lefty in Love - a Romance

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Winslow Leach, Aug 6, 2008.

  1. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    To quote Pacino in The Godfather III: "just when I think I'm out...they pull me back in!"

    Seems I can't keep Lefty out of my fics. See, a few months back, I lost a bet with the salesman...and since I don't have any spare nickels on hand, I told him I'd write him into as many fics as possible, until my debt was paid. Well, I guess he wasn't satisfied with "Sweeney Lefty" or "Da Poil," because he wants me to put him in a third story...and he demanded that I write him in a goilfriend...er, girlfriend. No...I didn't think he was the romantic type either. But hey...this is fiction, lol! So, without further to do (another Pacino quote), I give you the first chapter of "Lefty in Love."

    Let the throwing of rotten fruits and veggies begin...
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Lefty is down at the docks, chatting with No-Finger Sam (anything Muppet with--you guessed it--no fingers), one of his acquaintances.

    Lefty: So what's yer haul?

    (emptying pockets) Gotta watch...necklace...and a grilled cheese sandwich.

    Lefty: You moron! Ya coulda lifted da toaster!

    No-Finger: Sue me. I was hungry. And since dere wasn't anyone aroun', I made meself lunch.

    Lefty (looking at the watch and necklace) Dis stuff is cheap! I wouldn't sell it ta my own mudder!

    No-Finger: Your mother's dead.

    Lefty: I still wouldn't sell it ta 'er! Dis is da best you could do ? !

    No-Finger: You try carryin' a TV or stereo with no fingers, see how far you get!

    Lefty: 'Ey, how did ya lose yer fingers anyway?

    No-Finger: How many times do I hafta go trew dis wit ya? You know how I lost 'em!

    Lefty: I know, but it amuses me everytime youse tell me...like whatcha call a bedtime story!

    No-Finger (sighs, bored) I went fishin' wit my old man when I was a kid, and I was attacked by an octopus. After about five minutes of wrestling in the water with the beast, my old man finally noticed I was missin' from da boat. He sees me thrashin' around in da water, an' tells me ta stop foolin' around...den he sees da octopus, and manages ta pull me outta da water before I could be devoured. But by dat point, what was left of me fingers were stumps, and some cheap sawbones ended up amputatin' 'em. Okay? Happy?

    Lefty: Hehehehehehehehe! I never get tired of dat story, Stumpy! Giant squid, hehehehehehehe!

    No-Finger: It was an octopus, ignoramous! And you wouldn't last thirty seconds! You'd be chum before you opened your mouth to scream!

    Lefty: Feh! I kin beat any octopus wit one arm tied behind my back!

    No-Finger pulls a rope that's just hanging in the air for no apparent reason. A GIANT, LIFE-SIZED RUBBER OCTOPUS falls on top of Lefty. Both octopus and Lefty fall to the ground; Lefty screeches, trying to fight off the "raging" beast...he kinda looks like Bela Lugosi working the arms of the fake octopus in Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster," only Bela was simulating being strangled, while Lefty is just an idiot, trying to escape its grasp. No-Finger stands by, chortling as Lefty "fights" for his life.
  3. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    Lefty, you idiot! XP

    Seriously, the octopus made me laugh. lefty "fighting" the octopus made me laugh. Is there anything that can't make me laugh?

    ~ AnimatedC
  4. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member


    Tony, thish...OWNS! Seriously! Nobody writes Lefty better than you do (don't make any excuses, boy) and I can't wait fo' mo'! <33
  5. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thanks, Cait and Ailie! I appreciate your comments!:) I'm glad you thought this first bit was funny...I think this one is heading into similar, surreal territory, where anything can happen because...well, because it can!:D

    I vill update more zoon!;)
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    No-Finger leans against a beat-up, discarded boat, beside himself with laughter.

    Ernie tentatively approaches, and tapes No-Finger on the shoulder. No-Finger immediately spins around, brandishing a knife in his stubs.

    Ernie: Um...excuse me, mister...is this the docks?

    No-Finger: Naw, kid. Dis is the magical fairyland where we's make all da dreams of da world come true!

    A drunken sailor staggers out of a saloon, swigging from a bottle; he lets out an enormous belch from the bottom of his stomach, and walks straight into a pole.

    Sailor (doffing his cap) Pardon me *hic* ma'am...

    The sailor walks off, still chugging.

    Ernie: Who's that?

    No-Finger: Da sprite of mirth and merriment.

    Ernie: What was he drinking?

    No-Finger: Mirth and merriment.

    Ernie: Huh.

    No-Finger: Now whaddaya want? !

    Ernie (trembling) I--I was told to go down to the docks by a salesman wearing a trenchcoat and fedora...

    From every conceivable opening (windows, doors, portholes, even the ancient boat No-Finger is leaning against) pop the heads of many shady characters, all fitting Ernie's description; Ernie is oblivious.

    Ernie: ...had pale green skin...even had his own theme music following him around...

    The other salesmen grumble in disgust, and disappear as quickly as they had come.

    When Lefty hears his description, he suddenly bolts upright with superhuman, Popeye-like strength. He hurls the giant rubber octopus, as if it weighed nothing, at No-Finger, and sidles up to Ernie.

    No-Finger is hit with the mighty force of the octopus; the poor fellow never saw it coming.
  7. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Huh? Whasa matta with youz you wiseguy? Yous can't leave it like that. Now post wha happa with Ernie and Lefty before I sends ma boy Danny NoArms on ya.
  8. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Aye, 'tis merely a morsel of merry Lefty mirth...but don't worry. Dat crum-bum will be sellin' Ernie some useless junk in no time...
  9. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    S'okay... Just hope it doesn't get sos bad that I have to have Drake Tungsten pay yus a visit too.
  10. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Lefty puts his arm around Ernie, and speaks to him confidentially.

    Lefty: Youse find da place okay?

    Ernie: Well, I kinda misunderstood what you meant by the docks. I went to about 27 doctor's offices, all giving them your description. You should have seen their faces! Kheeekheekhee!

    Lefty: Er...great story...now lookit what I got fer youse 'ere...(Lefty reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out...nothing) Ain't it a beaut?

    Ernie: What is it?

    Lefty: What is it? Kid, don't tell me youse are unedu-macated! Dis is only da newest ting in technology...da invisible watch!

    Ernie: The invisible watch?


    Ernie: But I can't see it!

    Lefty: Dat's 'cause it's invisible!

    Ernie: Oooooh! I understand now!

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Ernie: Gee, mister, I always wanted an invisible watch. How much do you want for it?

    Lefty: Well normally dis little beauty sells fer $159.95, plus tax. But since I like youse, I'm gonna cut youse a fancy-schmancy deal. You kin have dis amazin', one-of-a-kind invisible watch fer da unbelievable price of just one nickel!

    Ernie: A nickel ? !


    Ernie (sotto voce) A nickel?

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Ernie: Oh boy! Won't my buddy Bert be jealous! (Ernie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a nickel; he hesitates handing it over) Wait a minute. If the watch is invisible, how am I supposed to tell the time?

    Lefty: Dis is not only an invisible watch...it's also a magic watch!

    Ernie: A MAGIC WATCH ? !


    Ernie (sotto voce) A magic watch?

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Ernie: How does it work?

    Lefty: If youse quit interruptin' me, I'll tell ya!

    Ernie: Tell me, tell me!

    Lefty: Yer a patient kid, aintcha?

    Ernie: Tell me!

    Lefty: Well...ya see, all youse do is strap da invisible watch on like so...tink of what time it is...and volla-lolla! Youse got da correct time!

    Ernie: I still don't understand.

    Lefty (sighs) What time do youse tink it is now?

    Ernie: Now?

    Lefty: Yeah.

    Ernie: Right now?

    Lefty: We keep dis up, we're gonna be here till tomorrow...yeah, right now!

    Ernie: Well, I would guess it's about five after two...

    Lefty (looks at "watch" and does double-take) Amazin'!

    Ernie: What?

    Lefty: Da watch says exactly five after two!

    Ernie: Wow!

    Lefty: So we got a sale er what?

    Ernie: Sure thing, Mr. Salesman!

    Ernie hands Lefty the nickel; Lefty hands Ernie air.

    Ernie: Wait a minute...is this a digital watch, or one with hands?

    Lefty: Er...what kind do ya like?

    Ernie: Solar.

    Lefty (double-take) Den it's a solar!

    Ernie: Gee! An invisible, magic solar watch!

    Lefty: Yeah, yer lucky ta own one a dose...not too many people have 'em.

    Ernie: Thanks, mister!

    Lefty (trying to get rid of Ernie, before he catches on) Don't mention it, now get outta here! Da sun's gonna be goin' down soon, and ya wanna enjoy tellin' time while youse can, right?

    Ernie: Yeah! Oh boy! Wait'll I show Bert!

    Ernie scampers away.

    Lefty: Heh. Ya see dat, No-Finger? I've been connin' dat chump fer years, an' he's hardly ever caught on. He's my best customer...No-Finger? Eh...No-Finger?

    Lefty looks at the spot where No-Finger was standing; the giant rubber octopus is on top of him; all that is visible of No-Finger is a leg, which twitches slightly, then is still. Lefty's eyes widen...he slowly backs away from the scene of the crime, then runs away from the docks, as fast as his little legs will carry him.
  11. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Bah! I can handle Drake...although I'm kinda afraid of Russ Tilefloor, Nick Pigiron and Bob Shatterglass...:eek::eek:
  12. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Ha... Don't yous know anyting? Drake always brings his buddy Ric Drywall to back him up. Him and Freddy Fireplug. Only ting wrong is Ernie paid Lefty with a real nickel. He shoulda done like the invisible ice cream cone. *Hands Slug air. Whazat yous ask? Why an invisible nickel of course. *Leaves eating his invisible ice cream.
    *Ducks head back in at the last second... Oh, and more please!
  13. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Tony, thish fic owns. I even sold it my soul. XP So technically...I should be dead and not replying but um...look, a monkey! *runs off*
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Lefty skids around a corner, a la Chaplin being chased by a cop or a bully; he CRASHES into a young woman. Both fall to the ground.

    The woman has long brunette hair, green eyes and a tan complexion. The contents of her purse spill all over the place.

    Lefty: Why youse careless crum-bum, why doncha watch where yer--

    Lefty stares at the woman in awe; he does TWO quadruple-takes.

    Lefty: E-e-excuse me, ma-dame! Entirely my fault!

    Woman (dazed) It's...it's okay...

    Lefty: 'Ere, lemme help youse wit yer poyse...

    Woman: Thank you.

    Lefty quickly begins to pick up several items from the purse; when the woman turns to pick up contents closer to her, Lefty quickly pockets what he has in his hands: mostly lipstick, makeup and a pen or two. When she turns back, he begins putting the other stuff back into the purse.

    Lefty: Dere. I tink dat's everytin'.

    Woman: Thanks.

    Lefty: Lemme help youse up.

    Lefty helps the woman to her feet, and vigorously brushes her off.

    Lefty: Just...cleanin' ya...

    Woman: It's okay, I'm fine...really...

    Lefty: Hey. My name is Lefty.

    Woman: I'm Jenny.

    Lefty: Jenny, huh? Like in Jennifer?

    Jenny: Um. Yes.

    Lefty: I knew it!

    Jenny: Well...thank you for helping me with my purse.

    Lefty: Eh, I wasn't doin' anytin' else, so I figured what da hey.

    Jenny: Er...well, thank you all the same.

    Lefty: What's a classy broad--I mean, dish--like youse doin' in dis parta town anyway?

    Jenny: I'm down here to see him greasy sleazebag of a salesman. He sold me a bunch of sea monkeys, but all they turned out to be was Kool-Aid mix. Now I have a fishbowl filled with grape Kool-Aid!

    Lefty: Heh...sounds like Stig "Da Fish" Kremble.

    Jenny: You know him?

    Lefty: Er...naw, naw...but I would imagine if a salesman who sold you faulty sea monkeys made outta Kool-Aid existed, his name would probably be Stig "Da Fish" Kremble. Erm...how much did he take you fer? Not Stig...da guy what sold youse da--

    Jenny: $14.67

    Lefty: Heh, dat's Stig fer ya...always chargin' outrageous prices fer...uh...look, youse seem like a nice goil. Ya really shouldn't be hangin' around dis part of town. Dis place is loaded wit teeves and scoundrels who'll try ta sell ya anytin' fer a nickel. Say...youse wouldn't be interested in an inflatable boithday cake, wouldja?

    Jenny: Huh?

    Lefty: Nuthin'.

    Lefty steers Jenny back the way she came, and the two walk in silence for a few moments.

    Lefty: I'm doin' youse a favor...riiiiiiiiiight! Youse don't wanna mix wit da crum-bums down dere, ya wanna go out wit me tonight?

    Jenny: Excuse me?

    Lefty: I'm askin' youse out. On a date.

    Jenny: With you?

    Lefty: Da one an' only! (flashes cheesy grin)

    Jenny: Um...(sniffs) What's that terrible smell? Are you wearing cologne?

    Lefty: Naw, I don't believe in dat stuff! Dis is my natural scent! Youse like?

    (revolted) It's...unique...

    Lefty: I always taught dat if I could bottle it, I'd be a trillionaire! I'd mark it under da name "Essence Du Lefty."

    Jenny: So...what are you doing in this part of town? You're not one of those sleazy salesmen, are you?

    Lefty: Me? No, sir! I'm just down 'ere ta...um...squabble wit a crum-bum what sold me...a pack of...uhm...sea monkeys dat...toyned out ta be nuthin' but iced tea. What a co-ink-ee-dink, eh? Wanna go out wit me?

    Jenny: I...I don't know...

    Lefty: Come on, toots! I helped youse when ya fell down back dere! If it wasn't fer me, you'd probably still be scoopin' up da stuff what fell outta yer poyse! C'mon...I'm a good guy. Do I look like Dracula?

    Jenny: Well...

    Lefty: I know da best spots in town. When ya cruise wit Lefty, yer cruisin' in style! I'm da man, dawg!

    Jenny: I'm washing my hair tonight.

    Lefty: People always tells me I look like Brad Pitt, but I tell 'em, naw, I tink I look more like Brad Pitt's twin brudder...but I don't tink he has a twin brudder...youse get da idear.

    Jenny: I really have to--

    Lefty: Please, just one little date. It cain't hoit. I'm a poifect gentleman. I won't even pick my teeth in public. Or my nose. Now youse cain't refuse someone who's willin' ta sacrifice da simple tings in life like dat!

    Jenny: I know I'll regret this in the morning, but...you did help me back there...and you are kind of amusing in a very strange way...all right. I'll go out with you. Tomorrow night.

    Lefty (bouncing with joy) YIPPPEEEE! I mean...sure, whatever, babe.

    Jenny (looking through her purse) I could have sworn I had a pen in here...whatever...(takes out a small piece of paper and pencil, and hastily writes something) My phone number. Call me tomorrow, and we'll set something up, okay?

    Lefty: Sure, toots. Whatever.

    Jenny turns, and walks off. As soon as her back is turned, Lefty excitedly bounces up and down, and plays a mean riff on the air guitar.
  15. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Throws brick at Lefty. That's for the crack at our heritage! Yer lucky I don' have ma bandmate Dr. Teeth come in and give yous an even woyse bashing.

    Oh, and post more.
  16. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Dr. Teeth: I'm bizzeh! =P *changes the channel*

    Tony...this rocks. Ailie wants more.
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

  18. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Lefty's top-floor apartment on the docks, not too far from where he met Jenny. The place is a run-down, depressing, barren room. An old, stained mattress is thrown on the floor for a bed; a single lightbulb hangs. A tiny oven from the 1940s is in the corner. There's not even a fridge in the joint. The room looks as if one could fall through the floor at any moment. If a fish lived here, it would leap out of its tank, and right into the stolen frying pan on the stove. But for Lefty, it's home.

    There is a lone window; on the sill sits the tank of Mr. Turtle. The thespian is wearing a pair of thick, horn-rimmed glasses, and reading from a script as Lefty breezes in.

    Mr. Turtle (reading) ****, senora, is a place for the wicked. The wicked are quite comfortable in it. It was made for them. I am not one of the wicked, therefore it bores me, bores me beyond description, beyond belief.

    Lefty: 'Ey, quit dat mumbo-jumbo and lissen! I gots a date fer tomorrow night!

    Mr. Turtle: Uneducated imbecile! You have interrupted my rehearsal for Don Juan In ****. I, of course, am playing Don Juan. When Shaw--he wrote the play, by the way, peon--first heard me pronounce his words trippingly on the tongue, he told me he heard better sounds coming out of an upset stomach. But that was Bernie. Such an irascable rascal! He said it with a twinkle in his eye, so I knew he wasn't--a DATE ? !

    Lefty: Uh-huh.

    Mr. Turtle: ...with a woman?

    Lefty: Yup.

    Mr. Turtle: A real woman?

    Lefty: Whaddaya talkin' about, Optimus Slime, of course a real woman!

    Mr. Turtle: Oh dear. She does speak English, doesn't she?

    Lefty: Idiot! Yes, she does. I helped 'er out on da street, an' she gave me 'er phone number! I'm gonna go out wit her tomorrow!

    Mr. Turtle: It must be snowing in hades!

    Lefty: Shaddap, before I toss youse out da winder!

    Mr. Turtle: It would be rather preferable, under the circumstances. The thought of you and a woman makes my shell crawl.

    Lefty: I'm gonna break youse in half if ya make anudder crack about me. Besides, dere's nuthin' wrong wit Lefty. Any goil would be proud ta take me out.

    Mr. Turtle: Excuse me..."Don Juan"...but you don't have to read Shaw to know that the man always pays for the woman, especially on a first date. You weren't thinking of having her pay, were you?

    Lefty: Why not?

    Mr. Turtle: Ah, my boy, there is so much you need to learn before tomorrow evening. Sit down, and let Uncle Mr. Turtle explain to you the facts of life...
  19. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hu-boy... This could be long and Lefty could be asleep by the time Mr. Turtle gets to anythin relevant. So let's just move on to the next scene shall we? In other words... Please post.
  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Yeah...I mean Mr. Turtle needs to explain things using charts, mathematical equations, dolls, bunsen burners (for some odd reason), oh, let's see...diagrams, pictures...he must degrade himself by speaking in the crudest terms possibly ever uttered by a turtle...and Lefty STILL won't get it. It's not necessarily Mr. Turtle's fault. Lefty ain't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. So let's just skip this little explanation scene about da boids an da bees, shall we?

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