Lew Zealand's New Act

[minor muppetz]

Please enjoy this brand-new fan fiction.

Chapter 1

Kermit came on-stage to make an introduction.

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is Lew Zealand! Yaaaaaayyyy!"

The curtains raised and Lew threw his boomerag fish. The audience cheered. Even Statler and Waldorf.

"Well, he keeps getting better with each performance", said Statler.

"He also keeps getting fishier", said Waldorf.

The audience applauded.

"Thank you, thank you", said lew, "Now, as you all know, my tboomerang fish and I are going to perform at Carnegie Hall this weekend. Tickets have sold out. I am goijng by first-class practice!"

Lew Zealand went backstage.

"Well, Lew, the bus is ready", said Dr. Teeth.

"We'll get there by tomorrow", said Floyd.

"I can't wait for my big Carnegie Hall performance", said Lew.

"I'm sorry that I can't make it to your performance", said Seymour, "But I've got a dentist appointment".

"Oh, that's alright", said Lew.

"Seymour, Pepe! You're on next!", said Scooter.

"Oh, yeah", said Seymour, "Break a leg at Cernegie Hall!"

"We're the ones who should break legs, okay", said Pepe.

Lew thought for a moment, "I think I can break some legs with my fish."

The big day came. Lew Zealand was at the Carnegie Hall theater, as were many of Lew's Muppet friends. Kermit and Miss Piggy were in Lew's dressing room.

"Well, good luck with the show, lew!", said Kermit.

"Just don't hit moi's face", said Miss Piggy.

"Oh, I've been practicing for weeks", said Lew.

"Practicing to do the best boomerang fish show on Carnegie Hall?", asked Kermit.

"No, to throw at people's faces", said Lew.

"Mr. Zealand, you're on in five minutes", said the stage manager.

"We've got to get to our seats", said Miss Piggy.

Kermit and Piggy went to join the others in front row seats.

"Well, it's almost showtime", said Fozzie.

"Who would have thought that lew Zealand could make it to Carnegie Hall", said Sam, "This place might not be as cultural as it used to."

The place got darker.

"Oh, like, it's a lot darker", said Janice.

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is Lew Zealand!", said an announcer.

Lew came on-stage as the others cheered.

"Hiya, hiya", said Lew, "I am the amazing Lew Zealand, and here are my boomerang fish!"

The audience cheered.

"First, my classic!", said Lew, as he threw a fish and it came back. "That one got me a gold record."

Lew did some more throwing, but after awhile, the audience got boored.

"This is Lew Zealand's big carnegie hall act?"

"I filed for a second mortgage to see Lew Zealand do what i could have seen him do at the Muppet theater?"

"I can't beleive I waited in line for six months for this"

"Can't he do anything new?"

"Uh-oh", said Kermit, "it looks like the audience isn't enjoying this like the press thought", said Kermit.

"What a big surprise", said Sam.

"Well, this is kinda dull", said Gonzo, "I told him that he should have thrown fish with jelly on it".

The audience then started booing and throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at Lew.

"Hey! I'm the one who's supposed to be throwing things!", said Lew. The constant throwing then caused Lew to lose focus, and he started throwing his at members of the audience.

"Ouch!"

"You just broke my leg!"

"Well, Seymour did tell me to", said Lew, throwing another fish.

"Hey! I knew I got nosebleed seats, but this is ridiculous!"

And then a pie hit Lew's face. A lone cane came from backstage and pulled him offstage by his neck.

The next day, Lew read the critics reviews down in the canteen.

"Lew Zealand's big carnegie hall debut was not the event we all expected", said Lew, quoting the critic, "We expected him to do more than just throw his fish for three and a half hours. He's been doing the same old shtict for nearly 30 years, and he must move on. And worst of all, his fish broke my leg. He'll be hearing from my lawyers."

"That didn't sound good, man", said Floyd.

"Here, have a fish pie, on the house", said Gladys, who then slipped and spilt the pie on Lew's lap.

"Well, now it's on your lap", said Gladys.

"This review is right", said Lew, "I've got to find some new acts, some new gimmicks. I've been doing the sma eold thing all these years. Go tell Mr. the Frog that next week, I'll be doing a new act!"

"Uh, the schedule for next weeks show has already been filled, and your not on it!", said Floyd.

"Then I'll do something new in two weeks!", said Lew.

Gonzo then zoomed to the canteen.

"You can throw boomerang fish with JELLY on it!", said an enthustiastic Gonzo.

 

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Chapter 2

Lew Zealand began practicing some new acts.

"So, Lew, what are you doing about your new acts?", asked Fozzie.

"Oh, I am throwing boomerang acorns!", said Lew, who threw some acorns, which went right back at Lew and Fozzie.

"Hmm, maybe I should switch to boomerang pine cones", said Lew.

Crazy Harry then walked in.

"Actually, you should try boomerang bombs!", laughed Crazy Harry who handed many to lew.

"I'll try it", said Lew, who threw many bombs, which all came back.

"I will be a hit!", said Lew.

"Wait a minute", said Harry, "We forgot to light them!"

So they lit the bombs and lew threw them, and they all exploded when they came back to Lew. Crazy Harry laughed.

"Wow!", said Gonzo, "I wish I thought of that!"

"Maybe I should go back to my boomerang pinecones idea", said Lew.

"Or maybe you should give up the whole 'boomerang' aspect of your act", said Fozzie.

"Why, Fozzie, you're a genius!", exclaiemd Lew.

"Well, I already knew that...", said Fozzie.

So Lew started working on his next act...

"So, Lew, like, what are you attempting this time?", asked Jancie.

"I am making fish balloons!", said Lew, who inflated soema ctual fish.

"Fish balloons?", thought Janice, "Sounds fishy, fer sure!"

"Oh, I'm glad you like it", said Lew.

"I didn't say I liked...", said Janice.

"Here, have a balloon", interrupted Lew, who handed a fish balloon to her.

"This is ridiculous", said Janice.

The fish then popped.
"Eww! Gross", said Janice.

"Maybe the fish balloons do pop a little too easily...", said Lew.

Later, Lew decided on a better act, with some help...

"Why, of course I'll teach you!", said Marvin Suggs, "I never thougth anybody would want to be as talented as me! And I do not feel competition, either."

"Oh, great", said lew, "So, do I just throw these Muppaphones..."

Lew picked up a Muppaphone and threw it.

"Oh, they do not come back", said Marvin, "I'll show you what to do."

Marvin started hitting the Muppaphones.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"It's as simple as that!", said Marvin.

"The world doesn't need more of your kind of people", muttered a Muppaphone.

"I've got an idea", whsipered another Muppaphone, who sneaked off.

"Now, you try it", said Marvin, "here is your mallet, and your sheet music."

One Muppaphone sneaked back, putting a Muppaphone-shapped bomb in it's place.

"Okay, I'll try it!", said Lew, who started hitting the Muppaphones.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" -- BOOM!

The Muppaphone bomb exploded.

"I think I'll try something else", said Lew, who then fainted.

 

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Chapter 3

"So, how's the new act search coming along?", asked Kermit.

"Oh, it's tougher than I had thought", said Lew, who then observed the various monsters in line at the canteen, "But I think I know what I will do..."

Later, Lew Zealand and the monsters met on the stage.

"So, what's all this about?", asked Sweetums.

"Make it fast", said Timmy, "I've got a dental appointment."

"And I've got jury duty", said Doglion.

"Well, for next weeks show, I'd like to juggle you monsters", said Lew.

"You'd like to... Juggle us?", said a skeptical Sweetums.

"Oh, yeah, what'ya think?", asked Lew.

"I think it sounds stupid", said Mean Mama.

"Well, stupid is as stupid does", said Doglion.

"Let's just do a quick practice", said Lew.

"Okay, but I've got to go to work with my mommy", said Thog.

Lew took the monsters and started juggling them... Only they all kept flyign around the auditorium, one by one. Sweetums flew through the air and landed on Sam the Eagle. Thog flew and landed on Pepe.

"I'm feeling a little flat, okay!", said Pepe.

Lew juggled the mutations, who flew around and landed on Hilda, Fozzie, and The Newsman, respectively.

Then, Lew juggled Timmy and Mean Mama. Timmy flew into the balcony, while Mean Mama fell into the orchestra pit.

"Thew!", gasped Lew, "That was difficult. I don't think I'll be doing that as my act."

"Well, what a relief!", said Sweetums.

"I think I've lost some teeth", said Timmy, "I hope my dentist isn't mad."

Gonzo approached Lew.

"So, since you have given up on that act", said Gonzo, "Do you mind if I do it?"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

Soon, time came for Lew Zealand's big act, and he sure did come up wiTh something.

"So, Lew", said Seymour, "What have you come up with?"

"You'll see", said Lew.

"I hope it's a beehive-throwing act", said Bobo.

"Nah", said Beauregard, "It's probably a breakdancing number on a stepladder."

"Actually, you're both wrong", said Lew Zealand.

"And besides", said a coww, "That''s my act."

"Oh, sorry", said Beauregard.

"Lew Zealand, you're on next!", said Scooter.

Kermit came on-stage.

"And now, here is Lew Zealand with a brand new surprise act. Yaaaaayyyyy!"

"Hiya, hiya, hiya", said Lew Zealand, "It is time for my big bsurprise act. Drumroll, please!"

Animal gave a drumroll.

Lew got out some onions, "I am going to juggle these onions while rollerskating backwards, and I will do a backflap through a hoop of fire!"

"Hmm", observed Beauregard, "So that's why he's been wearing those rollerskates all day."

"Beauregard, bring in a hoop and set it on fire!", said Lew.

"Oh, right", said Beauregard.

Lew began rollerskating backwards while juggling onions.

"I sure hope he doesn't fall into here", said Floyd, from inside the orchestra pit.

Beauregard brought out the hoop.

"Okay, the hoop is ready", sai Beauregard, "I'll just light it."

Beauregard took out a lighter and lit it on fire. Unfortunately, Bo was holdidng the hoop by hand, and the fire caught Bo.

"Okay", said Bo, "Flip through fast!"

"Okay", said Lew, who did a backwards flip while still juggling, and he made it.

"I did it!", said Lew Zealand.

Bo ran off, and dropped the hoop... And the n fire spread around the theater. Everybody went screaming, and soon, everybody was outside. The firefighters put out the fire.

"Lew", said Kermit, "That was a great act you did."

"Oh, thanks", said Lew.

"But I think you should go back to boomerang fish throwing", said Kermit.

"I agree", said Lew, "I've missed my fish."

"Hey, Lew!", said Gonzo.

"What?", asked Lew.

"You have got to teach me how to do that!"

The End