It's been over a month since the last chapter? What the heck have I been doing? Well, here's a big chunky chapter for ya.
*****
Once in a Lifetime
Part 11: Sometimes I Can't Believe This is All Happening
by Kim McFarland
*****
The next day Kermit posted the list of acts for the upcoming show. He and Scooter had spent a lot of time on that list, figuring out which acts were ready to go and would make for a good, balanced show, whatever that was. Most of the acts that had been sufficiently developed were included. Most, but not all.
The Great Gonzo was surprised and disappointed that none of the acts he had proposed were included. He'd submitted an even baker's dozen, and not a single one made the cut? He had not been able to rehearse them, but then he didn't often rehearse his stunts much, as he might end up injuring himself before the show. A simple proof-of-concept was good enough most of the time. They knew that he would come through, and when he failed he failed entertainingly.
Oh well. This wasn't his first time sitting out a show. He hadn't been expecting it, considering how hard they'd been working to come up with a full show's worth of material in a few days, but stuff happens, he told himself.
Kermit saw the look on Gonzo's face. He'd known that he'd be disappointed. He said, "Hey, Gonzo."
Gonzo looked up. "Yeah?"
"We'll put you in the show. We just haven't figured out where."
Gonzo smiled. "Sure, Kermit. Wherever you need me."
Gonzo went off. Mentally Kermit sighed. It wasn't a big deal. Not everyone could star in every show, and Gonzo was always good for filling out a chorus or background ensemble. They'd greenlight one of his acts for the next show or the one after that, Gonzo would break a bone or three , and all would be right with the world again.
*
Several limousines and a bus parked in the lot behind the Muppet Theater. The various children, adults, and equipment were all brought around to the front. When everybody was ready—the filming staff had their cameras and boom mikes, the kids were in place, and Miss Piggy had checked her hair and makeup just to be sure—Miss Piggy said sweetly to the director, "
Moi is ready whenever
vous are."
The director nodded to one of the staff, who stepped in front of the camera, snapped a clapper, and dodged back again. Miss Piggy, her voice raised slightly so that the boom microphone that was also recording ambient street noise for that touch of gritty realism would pick her up clearly, said, "Here we are at the Muppet Theater, where my career truly began. So many have come here, but few have seen the side we're about to see." She opened the door and beckoned the children in, and went in after them, leaving the staff to wrangle their sound and video equipment.
*
The stage had become a nursery. The painted backdrops looked like 1970s-style pastel walls with pink-curtained windows. Several cribs were placed downstage, and upstage were a pair of playpens. They were occupied by an assortment of toys and sleeping babies.
Bobby Benson's Baby Band was preparing for a technical rehearsal when Miss Piggy walked down one of the aisles, trailing a half-dozen small girls and a camera crew. Scooter, who had been about to call for a music playback, stared. They had a show to put together, and the last thing they needed was this gaggle getting underfoot! Unsure of what to say, but knowing he had to say something, he went to the edge of the stage. "Ah, Miss Piggy?"
She replied in a singsong voice that could be heard by everyone around, "Don't worry, Scooter. They are merely filming on location, and will not bother anyone. I discussed it all with Kermit yesterday." She turned back to the crew and said, "Scooter is our stage manager. When we're setting up the show, he is the boss. So we will not get in his way, or interfere with the show in any way.
Capice?" The babies and some of the toys were sitting up, wondering about the unexpected delay.
Scooter was mildly embarrassed, but glad all the same to see Piggy begin by reading them the riot act, even if she was exaggerating his authority. He said, "They won't be filming the rehearsals, will they?"
"What?" She had not thought about that. "No. But may the girls watch? They so want to see how a
real show is put together." She smiled winningly. "They know how to behave around a stage. They won't be any trouble."
"Sure, that's fine. Between rehearsals they can have a look backstage, if you want."
"Thank you! That would be wonderful." She told the girls, "Let's have a seat. You too," she added to the staff, "and I'll tell you when you may turn your equipment back on again."
The girls were all quietly impressed. Miss Piggy was clearly in charge here! Yet she did it without raising her voice or making threats. She simply acted as if she was the boss, and people jumped when she said frog.
Scooter, meanwhile, ducked backstage. He couldn't have said no to Miss Piggy, not if he wanted to avoid making his medical insurance deductible. He had no doubt that she had discussed this in some form with Kermit. Still, he went to alert his boss to the situation, just in case there were any details Piggy might have forgotten to mention.
Janken, at his console on the other side of the stage, had seen and heard only part of the exchange, and was puzzled when Scooter left just as they were about to run through the song. He tapped the intercom and said, "Bobby, is something wrong?"
"I don't think so. Where'd Scooter go?"
"I don't know. Want me to start the playback?"
"Yeah, we're all ready."
"Okay." He switched the intercom off, then turned the lights down to simulate naptime. The babies all flopped down and closed their eyes. He started the music track, which began with the theme played on a toy piano. One of the babies lifted his head, blinking sleepily as if awakening from a nap, and began singing what sounded at first like baby babble.
"And the bass keeps wunnin', wunnin',
And wunnin', wunnin',"
The other babies yawned, awakened, and one by one picked up the chant. Soon the first baby stood up in his crib and, leaning over the safety rail, began lisping,
"In this context there's no diswespect,
So when I bust my wyme, you dance like heck.
We got five minutes for us to disconnect
From all intellect and let the wythm effect
To lose this inhibition
Follow your intuition,
Fwee your inner soul
And bweak away from twadition."
Another baby stood and pulled a pacifier out of her mouth to sing.
"'Cause when we be out
Girl it's gonna be that
You wouldn't believe how
We wow out."
A third chimed in,
"Turn it 'til it's turned up,
Turn it till it's turned out,
Actin' up from north, west,
East, south.
"Everybody!"
All the babies cried out, "Yeah!"
"Everybody!"
"Yeah!"
"Let's get into it!"
"Yeah!"
"Get goofy!"
"C'mon!"
"Get it started!"
"C'mon!"
"Get it started!"
"C'mon!"
"Get it started!"
All of the babies were standing by now. Some had bottles, some were holding blankets or stuffed animals. The smallest had a knit cap covering his bald head. All were wearing onesies. They began bouncing in their cribs and singing,
"Let's get it started, ha!
Let's get it started in here!
Let's get it started, ha!
Let's get it started in here!"
*
The girls watched, amazed, as the Baby Band rapped in high-pitched, lisping voices. Each member of the band had a solo, and with each verse and chorus the scene grew rowdier, with the toys in the "nursery" coming to life and dancing along too, and penguins jumping around behind the cribs because, well, ballistic penguins were rarely out of place in a Muppet act. The effect was ridiculously cute and funny. By the end of the song the babies looked like they were getting sleepy, and it ended with them collapsing, one by one, in their cribs and playpens. Only the first baby to sing continued the song as he snuggled back down in his crib, mumbling as if he was half-asleep, "Wunnin', wunnin', and wunnin', wunnin'…"
When the music cut off Scooter and Bobby walked out on stage. Scooter said to both the performers and their manager, "That was perfect! Do it just like that on the show, okay?"
The babies nodded, giggled, and sucked their thumbs in agreement. Tessie, the cockatoo, turned in her seat and asked Miss Piggy, "Are they
really babies?"
"Yes, they are."
"But how did they learn all that?"
"They wanted to, and nobody told them they were too young." She smiled. "And they have a whole lot of talent."
Kate, the spaniel, said, "Maybe they're really small people who just look like babies."
"Would you like to visit the diaper-changing room?" Miss Piggy inquired.
"Ew! No thanks," Kate said. The other girls wore matching squeamish expressions.
Bobby and a few very large monsters were escorting the performers offstage. The youngest ones were being carried, and the senior performers were toddling by their sides. Scooter called from the stage, "Miss Piggy, you can all come backstage now."
"Thank you, Scooter." She turned to the crew, who were seated a few rows back, and said, "Let's roll."
Miss Piggy led them to the exit door at the side of the stage, then through a door in the side. That brought them to the backstage area. The girls looked all around. Compared to the TV studios they were used to it was dark and dusty, and props and things were all over the place. Janken, who Scooter had apprised of the situation, said, "Hi, girls. Welcome to backstage left."
Miss Piggy told the girls, "Janken here is our camera operator. Although he is rarely in the show, he's very important because he makes sure the cameras see what they should see. Without a good cameraman
The Muppet Show would look like a home movie."
"Can I see what you do?" Molly, the kitten, asked. The others glanced at her, surprised. She was so quiet, it was startling when she spoke without first being spoken to.
"Sure," Janken answered. "Come around so you can get a good view." The girls clustered around his chair, and he told them, "We have a bunch of cameras. Some are on the underside of the balcony, some are in the wings or near the footlights or elsewhere. I could see out of all of them, but that'd be way too much to handle at a time. So I have to figure out which cameras to use. In this case, I mostly used two from the balconies that can see the whole stage-'" He pressed a few buttons, and two monitors showed the stage, one from the left side and one from the right. "-and one in the center to zoom in and follow the action around." He pressed another button, and an inset appeared showing one of the babies, singing silently as he bounced in his crib, the camera following every move. "And I used a footlight camera to get the 'mosh pit' close up, because that'll look good on TV." He pressed another switch, and one of the screen changed to a view of the stuffed animals and toys jumping around. Janken glanced at Miss Piggy and said, Um, I guess that's pretty much it."
Most of the girls were acting politely interested. Duffy, the lamb, looked fascinated. "How do you remember which buttons do what?"
He glanced at the console, which was covered with buttons and sliders and screens and things. "It does look complicated, doesn't it? It's just one of those things that you learn, and the more you do it the less you have to think about it. But in the beginning I put sticky notes on the important bits. Sometimes they'd get stuck on me instead. I'd look like I was growing yellow scales."
The girls grinned, some more dutifully than others. Miss Piggy said, "Now, come with me, girls. Let's go to the other side of the stage." She beckoned to them, and instead of crossing the stage, where they were setting up for another rehearsal, they went back and into a passage behind it. Unlike the rest of the backstage area, this was clear of clutter. People might have to get through fast and couldn't afford any hindrances. They ended up on the other side of the stage, behind the wings and below the balcony outside the dressing rooms.
Scooter, at the desk, glanced back—Piggy had things under control—then looked out at the stage. They had taken everything down from the previous rehearsal, and weren't quite ready for the next. He picked up a phone and dialed a dressing room extension. "Lew? You said you wanted to get some training in? The stage's free at the moment."
Miss Piggy paused a minute to give the girls—and the camera crew—a chance to look around. Things were much calmer now than an episode of
The Muppet Show would lead people to expect. Although, she thought to herself, Kermit and Scooter would have something very different to say about that. But she had promised Kermit that she would keep all this out of their way. She said, "Now, let's visit my very favorite part of the theater, next to the stage and my dressing room."
She led them down a hallway on the side, then opened a door. Inside were racks and racks of clothing, shelves of shoes, plus wigs and wraps and everything else. She said, "The wardrobe department!"
The girls entered, eyes wide, looking around at the wild profusion of clothing and costumes, and the cameras scanned around, pausing on some of the more interesting items. Miss Piggy took a red sequined dress off the rack, one that she knew she was a knockout in, and held it up to her front. "Everything we wear for the show is right here."
"Hello?" The voice came from behind the racks.
"Oh! Come here, would you?" Miss Piggy chirped.
A few moments later a pink-skinned, gray-haired woman wearing round, tinted glasses and a pincushion on her wrist bustled out of the depths of the room. Surprised, she said, "Oh, what's this?" in an odd accent.
"Girls, meet Hilda, our head of Wardrobe. She makes the clothes we wear on the show."
"And repairs them when they get torn up, although how that happens I'll never know," Hilda added with good humor.
Tessie, who looked genuinely excited for the first time that day, said, "You have
everyone's costumes here?"
Hilda replied, "Yes, everything you see on the stage! Why, this section here is all for Miss Piggy." She gestured to the line of racks running clear to the back wall. "Here are the newest costumes. "Down there are older costumes that she can't wear anymore because…" She suddenly stopped, and a glance at Miss Piggy's expression made her finish, "because they are out of fashion. Who wears bell bottoms these days?"
Good save, said the look in Piggy's eyes, and Hilda let out a small breath of relief. The kids didn't appear to have noticed. Piggy said, "Why don't you show them some of the smaller costumes? I know we have things in their sizes."
"Oh, certainly! Come with me, girls. And, uh," She glanced back at the camera and sound crew, "bring your friends."
*
Lew Zealand was throwing fish into the air above the audience, sending each spinning with a smart snap of the wrist. Some were pros he'd worked with for years; they sailed out over the seats, then arced back and smacked neatly into his hands. But others just didn't seem to have the knack yet. They curved off to the sides and slid down the walls, some plopped into the seats, and one even hit the ceiling. Gonzo, who had nothing else to do, said, "I'll pitch those back."
"Thanks," Lew said.
Gonzo hopped down the side of the stage, where he could jump without falling into the orchestra pit, and followed the sounds of flopping fish to the trainees. He picked the first one up—close to the tail, the way Lew did—and threw it toward the stage. It nearly made it—Lew had almost caught it—when it spun, reversed, and came back to Gonzo. Lew put his fists on his hips and said, annoyed, "You'll come back to him and not to me?"
Gonzo told the fish, "Sorry, but my thing's chickens. Nothing personal." He tossed the fish again, and this time it made it safely to Lew. Lew said to the fish, "It's okay, everyone gets confused around here. We'll work on it."
*
Miss Piggy took the girls and recording crew all around the Muppet Theater, introducing them to someone from each aspect of the show, right down to Sweetums, who was invaluable when it came time to move big chunks of scenery around, and Beauregard, who kept the place clean and reasonably structurally sound. She wanted to impress on these girls that it was not just about the stars. A show was a huge, collaborative effort. Considering how many of the people were startled that she introduced them, she thought that maybe she was occasionally just a teeny little bit guilty of overlooking them too.
The girls enjoyed themselves. Hilda let those who were interested "borrow" costumes for the day. Miss Piggy gave Tessie and Julie custom makeup jobs in her dressing room, bringing out their good looks without making them into imitation adults. Molly went back to Janken, who let her experiment with the control panel between rehearsals. Duffy trailed Scooter around, watching and willing to be helpful but otherwise staying out of his way, and Scooter gave her little tasks, which she cheerfully did. Kate watched the stage from the wings; Miss Piggy thought she was imagining what it would be in front of a live audience. And Pepper, the lizard, was interested in everything, from the flyspace to the prop room. Piggy could tell that she was restraining herself from pestering everyone with questions.
After the day's rehearsing and other business was done, all the Muppets present gathered in the audience seats. Kermit sat facing them on the edge of the orchestra pit. Piggy and the girls sat off to the side. Though the camera crew had had enough and packed it in, the girls were still having a great time. The director, who had given up being anything more than a chaperone, stayed quiet and out of the way and wished for aspirin.
Kermit let everyone babble for a while, then called out, "Okay, settle down guys, there are a few things we have to do today!"
The chatter died down quickly. Gonzo, not noticing, continued, "—and I said, 'Of course, I
always carry a styptic pencil.'" Then, realizing everyone was looking at him, said, "Well, I do."
Kermit said, "Guys, we have almost all the acts we need. Now we have to hammer out a backstage story. Today, so we can film it tomorrow. And it should be something we can put on the side screen so the audience can see it."
Bunsen spoke up. "Suppose Muppet Labs invents an invisibility formula."
Fozzie asked, "Do you really have one of those?"
Beaker, next to Bunsen, shook his head and squeaked. Bunsen said, "Not yet. But if such a substance somehow splattered on the wall, then the wall would become invisible, letting the audience see through into the backstage."
Impressed, Beauregard said, "That'd be lots easier than knocking a hole in the wall."
Kermit nodded. "You mean as a framing device? I like that."
"Yes. To begin with, I would describe the formula to you, but only our voices would be heard, perhaps through a faulty intercom. Somehow it gets knocked out of my hands and onto the wall. The projector starts, showing the wall turning invisible and us behind it."
Floyd spoke up. "Can we see them? Is it like we know they're watching us?"
Kermit said, "It'd probably be better if we didn't."
Bunsen said, "It can be a one-way invisibility formula then. And unbeknownst to us the polarity is reversed, so as far as we know it didn't work at all because from our point of view the wall is still opaque."
Doctor Teeth said, "As eloquently elucidated as the preamble to our annual national ten-forty."
Kermit said, "As long as we can get that to make sense to the audience, let's do that. Now, how about the story they'll see through the hole?"
Rowlf raised a finger. "Budget problems. To help pay for the show, we take up babysitting?"
The other Muppets looked at each other, unsure about that idea. Janice said, "For the babies? But, like, they've been on the show before, so people know they're rilly performers."
Rowlf said, "Yeah, that's true. But—hey, Miss Piggy, how about a crossover? Kermit, can we do that? I've been watching the girls Piggy brought in, and I bet they could do a few backstage skits as the kids we're babysitting."
Kermit was startled. "Make them part of the show? I'm not sure we can do that."
Miss Piggy spoke. "Actually, Kermie, I have been over the contract with my legal staff, and there is nothing to prevent them from being seen on another show. And I can't imagine the network having any problem with it. In fact, I'm certain they would jump at the opportunity for free cross-promotion." She smiled at the director. She held her gaze long enough to give her a chance to speak, and when she did not object immediately said to the girls sitting around her, "Well, what do you think? Would you like to be in the show?"
The girls approved the motion unanimously and excitedly.
*****
All characters except Janken, Duffy, Tessie, Molly, Kate, Julie, and Pepper are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC.
Let's Get It Started is by the Black Eyed Peas. All copyrighted materials are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken Fraggle is copyright © Kim McFarland (
negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
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"Sorry, but my thing's chickens. Nothing personal."
"It's okay, everyone gets confused around here. We'll work on it."
