My Poetry Contest Entry - Your Thoughts

[Cantus Rock]

I entered this poem into a local contest. I'd like to see what you all think of it. Keep in mind that this is the final copy that was submitted, so any specific edits can't be worked in.

Also, I ask that this thread remain on-topic, and that no one else post anything within that does not relate to this poem and thoughts there about. This piece is very important to me.

So, here it is:

California, Gone
By Matt O'Rourke

Driving West was the escape route she chose to take;
Her, and her mother.
Within her purse was a puzzle outlining our lives
She left her pieces with me, and kept mine with her.

The dyed follicles were no longer wet.
My hand glided over them in one smooth stroke,
As her head rest upon my chest for the last time
And her tears stained my body, as mine did hers.

The camera’s flash burned its final blaze
And the belongings were forced into a crowded trunk
“California or bust” she said.
And all the future’s days we lost became her distance from me.

I frequent the woods where we once spoke
Of life and love, futures and pasts
And where we once laid together,
A rose has grown, thorns and all.

In my mind I see her on the Santa Barbara coast
With freshly colored locks (as was her nature).
Together with a man, and a matching smile
And a memory of me, stored in a file marked “Gone.”

And as I sit on the coastlines of my mind
Wondering where California really is (or if it is real at all),
I will always scribble the writing:
“Love, Matthew. Be well in the state your in.”

----

-Matt

 

[FellowWLover]

OK frankly?

I wasn't expecting much, since posted online poetry usually, uh... sucks.

But...


This was pretty good, and I don't know if you will win, but you should definately keep writing.


Like the last lines of the last two stanzas the best. Very nice.

 

[Daylight]

I actually have critiqued some poems before in a Creative Writing class I took, so I'll take up this challenge. First it's a beautiful poem. You have some lovely unique descriptions in there. I noticed one grammar mistake 'As her head rest upon my chest for the last time' shoul be 'as her head restED'. One thing I noticed (that has been pointed out in my poems a lot) is that it would be better if you cut out all the words you don't need like 'and' and 'the' at the beginning of the lines. You usually don't need them. They take away from the nice descriptive words you use.
For example you could have:

Camera’s flash burned its final blaze
Belongings forced into crowded trunk
“California or bust” she said.
All future’s days we lost became her distance from me.

Another thing always pointed out to me is that you don't have to go with the traditional poem all against the left margin. You can have indentations and weird spacings if you want to put emphasis on different lines. You also don't need capitals or punctuation unless you feel they're necessary. I'd recommend getting rid of '(as was her nature)'. It sort of disrupts that beautiful stanza (which happens to be my favorite). So anyway I love the images you describe and I absolutely love the ending. Your poem is very good (better than most of mine).

Sorry if that was more thoughts than you were looking for. Keep writing!!!

 

[FellowWLover]

Well if we are picking out grammar issues... that should be "the state you're in". But, he said he already submitted it, so I wasn't gonna say that.

Although now I have.

 

[Fozzie Bear]

Was this submitted to Poetry.com? If so, be careful. They'll try to take you for ever cent you have!!

I sent in "Smiles of Children" which was lyrics to a ballad-type song I had written. They wanted to sell me a book with mine and hundreds of other poems in it for like $50, then they wanted me to sign up to go to a convention attended by all the submissed folks and that was a few hundred dollars, they were wanting me to come possibly accept a prize. keyword: possibly.

I enjoyed your piece and hope you're submitting it to elsewhere than poetry.com.

FOZ

 

[Super Scooter]

... Oh... my... goodness.

I almost cried. That was real good. I like it.

... Did anyone catch that ball game last night?

Heheheheheheheheheheehehehehehehe! Just kidding!

Keep up the good work!

 

[Cantus Rock]

Originally posted by Fozzie Bear
Was this submitted to Poetry.com?
FOZ

It was submitted to a local contest offline.

-Matt

 

[radionate]

I thought it was a lovely! Very touching! (and I normally hate poetry)