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Sesame Street Season 54
The Muppets Mayhem premieres
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Sam and Friends BookA friend and I pondered a FullHouse/Sesame Street crossover...oh, 4 years ago now, maybe 5. That friend had quite a few other things clog her life and forgot about it, and I ran out of ideas and found myself going back to school for a Masters in another field from my one then, so it never got beyond this. I found it on a disk a while back.
If you'd like to continue it, go ahed. It's here for anyone now, with just a couple little scenes and a Bert & Ernie sketch. If not, I hope you'll have fun with the parts that are there. (Though someone trying to clean Oscar's trash can might make for a few more interesting things.)
Time - late summer, 1990:
THE HOUSE MEETS THE STREET
“This is going to be so cool!” Eight-year-old Stephanie Tanner looked up at her older sister D.J., thirteen. They shared a room, and she was eager not to sound too childlike. “I mean, this could be kind of fun.”
D.J. laughed. “Don’t worry, Steph, even I’m looking forward to this.”
“Having a special version of Sesame Street out here in San Francisco should be a lot of fun It’ll help raise money like our station’s telethon did last year, and it’ll be a great way to honor Jim Henson,” Danny Tanner said. He was the father of these two and of three and a half year old Michelle. Michelle could be a mischief maker at times because he refused to put her in the corner for timeout, or even take privileges away as punishment. Neither did the men who helped raise Michelle since the girls’ mother, Pam, died three years ago;, Danny’s brother-in-law, Jesse Katsopolis, and best friend, Joey Gladstone. Jesse would struggle till his own kids were almost two, a few years later. Joey would play hockey in the house and tell Michelle it was okay because Danny wasn’t home.
Thankfully, D.J. handled that behind the scenes, or Michelle would have been out of control long before this. Michelle at least always listened to D.J. well. She was a mild version of Dennis the Menace; usuallyi very good, but sometimes getting into stuff in a funny way.
Jesse, the Elvis-loving musician promised, “I might even help teach them Muppets some Elvis songs.”
Stephanie looked at D.J.. “Well, at least we won’t have to worry about Kimmy being the most embarrassing person there.” Kimmy Gibbler, D.J.’s best friend & their next door neighbor, was very dumb and very weird at times.
“True, Bert and Ernie singing ‘You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hound Dog’ is not an experience I’d want to be a part of. But, hey, if it helps promote quality programming, I’ll do it. We were there for you when you fell asleep during that telethon, Dad.”
Danny couldn’t help but chuckle. “That right. You guys all did so well. Thankfully, this won’t be a whole day, just a few hours.”
“Hola Tanneritos,” Kimmy said as she burst into the door.
Danny looked at her and said, “It might feel like days, though.” Somehow, Danny knew Kimmy would want a part in the production.
Once D.J. explained what was going on, Kimmy was excited. “I’m sure some of these little kids who watch have older brothers.”
“Kimmy, how could you think of using Sesame Street to find a date?” Jesse asked incredulously.
“Easy,” Stephanie cracked, “all the Muppets are on her level.”
“Hey, watch it, squirt, I happen to be far more intelligent than some orange guy who goes around with a banana in his ear. A banana could easily get stuck and then you’d have to have a doctor come with this big thing and make that banana split. Of course, it wouldn’t taste too good afterward.”
Danny smiled. “All right, Kimmy. As a matter of fact, we’re looking for a teenager to say the alphabet back and forth with Bert,” Danny said. “I already assigned D.J. to help with something else. I would use her, but this should be something you can handle.”
Once the final arrangements were made, the family plus Kimmy and Jesse’s fiancé Becky anxiously awaited the opening of their independent station’s Sesame Street production. It began early in the afternoon, right after Michelle’s nap. However, confusion reigned instantly.
“Look at this garbage can, it’s filthy,” Danny said as he and Big Bird walked through the street that had been set up. They were on live television, and supposed to be discussing how Sesame Street had come to San Francisco, but Danny’s compulsive love for cleaning had gotten the best of him. “We need to get this thing out of here.”
“Oh, no, that’s supposed to be there,” Big Bird said, slightly shaking his head.
“Are you kidding, it…” Suddenly, Oscar the Grouch popped his head out. “Oh, it’s you.”
“Who were you expecting, Little Red Riding Hood?”
“Why would she be in a trash can?”
“Nothing; now scram!” He quickly slipped back inside.
Luis and Maria walked up to Danny and Big Bird. The pair expected to begin talking about everyone visiting San Francisco. However, before they could, Danny said, “We need to get that trash can cleaned up.”
“I don’t think Oscar’s going to like that,” Maria said.
Oscar flipped the lid off the can and glared at Danny.
“No, he’s not,” Luis joked, “I can tell he’s upset. He just flipped his lid.”
“Hey, keep it down, will ya? I’m trying to play video games.” Joey walked up to them just then, and asked what video games. “Well, since you must know,” Oscar said testily, “I’m playing Pac-Grouch. And you just made my grouch get stomped on by a nice guy before he could eat any dirty, crumbled up tissues. Those are his power pellets, you know. Who are you, anyway?”
“Oh, well, I’m Danny Tanner and I host ‘Wake Up, San Francisco.’”
“So?”
Joey – a professional comedian who loved cartoons and who had helped orgniaze this - held his hands to his head and impersonated Bullwinkle. “So, why don’t you join the fun. After all, you came out here with the rest of your friends to San Francisco.” As Grover came up to them, Joey looked at him and said, “How about talking like this?”
Slightly skeptical, Grover followed suit anyway. “Mmm, why not. Hello, how are you today. I am Grover.”
“And I’m annoyed,” Oscar declared.
Good, we’re back into the script, Luis and Maria thought.
As he thought this, however, Danny pulled out a handkerchief and started to wipe out the inside of Oscar’s trash can.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Oscar complained. “You’re supposed to be asking what we do for fun back home, or something. Anything but this.”
“I’ll ask,” Joey offered. He asked Grover two things. “First, what do you do back home, and second, is he always this cranky?”
“Oh, certainly, Sir. We have all sorts of interesting people who came with us. Just look over there,” he said, pointing.
The camera panned a little, and then, as if Grover had been pointing at the Count, suddenly, a scene appeared with the Count and several chickens.
However, as they were about to begin the counting skit, Stephanie jogged up to him. “Hey, Count?”
“Ah...oh, oh, hello, I see a girl. One, one girl!” the Count ad libbed.
“Yeah. Anyway, what’s the number of the day?”
“What...?” The Count was confused, as the number of the day wasn’t supposed to be given until D.J.’s segment in a couple minutes. Still, he played along. “Why the number of the day is 2! Two eyes on this girl’s forehead - 1, 2! She had two arms, one, two…!”
“Can the number be a little higher?” Stephanie asked politely.
The Count was really confused now. “Why?”
“That’s a letter; you can‘t count to Y,” Stephanie quipped, flailing an arm. She knew these Muppets liked to tell jokes, so she figured it would be a good idea, though her part wasn’t supposed to come for a while.
“I know Y is a letter. But...you do not have three eyes, you have two eyes. One, two!”
“And you love to drive me as crazy as Kimmy does,” Stephanie said, forgetting she was live on TV as all this was going on. “Besides, three is a little too low, anyway. D.J. caught Michelle doing something naughty, and three minutes is too short. Michelle’s been getting wilder lately so we upped it to five.”
“What? You want me to count minutes?”
“No, D.J. is counting the minutes.”
“But I am Count von Count, counting is in my blood.”
“Fine. Count the fingers I have on one hand, and let’s get this over with,” Stephanie countered, trying to hurry things along.
“Very well. You have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 fingers! And wait, what’s this.” Stephanie rolled her eyes as the count took her other hand and counted the fingers. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 on this hand. And, I’ll bet you have 5 toes on each foot, too.” Stephanie walked off in a huff. “Hey, come back here, take off your shoes so I can count your toes!”
“I am not taking off my shoes. How rude!”
“Ah, how rude, that is two words, how and rude, and two is the...” The Count had the presence to turn toward the screen as the camera got a close up, and he said, “Now wait, what is the number of the day? Is it 2? Or is it 5?”
D.J. was startled when the camera light was turned on her while Michelle was still sitting in one corner of the living room set Bert and Ernie shared. She was supposed to sing a song about the number 2 with Michelle. But, as the cameraman said “up in thirty,” D.J. realized Michelle was now indisposed. And yet, it had been too little time for Michelle to be punished for throwing a ball and breaking the window, after being told not to do that.
So, as the “on the air” light came on, she began to ad lib. “Hi. My partner and I wanted to teach you a lovely song about two. But...” There was Stephanie running toward them! Saved, she thought.
No, just more confused, D.J. realized when Stephanie blurted out, “It’s five.”
“Steph, what’s 5? And, don’t you know we’re on...?” Oops, she thought, holding a hand to her mouth. That didn’t sound very professional
“Don’t worry, Deej, I talked to the Count. He seemed to think it was fine to change the number of the day to five.”
“Five?” I don’t know any songs about five, do I? “So now we’re doing five?”
“Yep. I’ll even help you.”
“Thanks, but...you’ve done enough...”
“No, really.” Stephanie turned toward the camera, and began tap dancing. “I’ve got 5 on my fingers, and 5 on my toes. I shall have 5, wherever I go.”
“Hmm, not bad.” D.J. joined Stephanie in singing the “5 song” she’d just made up, then glanced at her watch. “And I want to know, what number is coming, when from this scene, the animation starts running. Help me out here, Steph.”
“Our little sister was naughty, for five minutes she stays...”
“In timeout where I put her...so she cannot play. You can see we are struggling, for things with fives now,” D.J. sang.
Stephanie caught the possible rhyme, and held up her hand so D.J. wouldn’t talk. She told a joke and sang the last three words. “Like the boy who was asked to name 5 things with milk, and he said butter, cheese, cream, and two cows.”
D.J. stood and gawked at Stephanie as she finished the very long line to that made-up song. “Steph, that was the nuttiest rhyme I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh yeah, well...”
Danny knew the producers had no tapes with the number five available. So, he quickly ran into the scene. “Hi, I’m Danny Tanner. I taught these lovely girls how to count to five. And, Steph has actually come up with a great concept.”
“I did?”
“You bet, Steph. Let’s count those things. Butter, cheese, cream, and two cows. Let’s explain what just happened when you went from 3 to 5.”
D.J. quickly caught on. “Of course, good point, Dad. See, we added.”
“That right. See, in the joke...”
“Steph,” D.J. halted her, “let me explain, okay. We had three things, and we added two. Two cows.”
“Yes, and here are two chickens right now,” Danny said as two of the chicken Muppets who had been with the Count danced into the scene. At least they were able to scramble and get those ready, Danny said to himself.
Stephanie’s eyes grew wide with excitement. “And look at us. There’s you, Dad, there’s D.J., there’s me, and two chickens. That makes five, too!”
“That’s right, Steph. Boy, is our family good at ad libbing, or what?”
D.J. danced over to the corner after looking at her watch. The camera followed. “Five minutes are up, her timeout is over. I let her get up, and show that I love her.” D.J. pulled the chair away, picked Michelle up, and hugged her.
Only one chicken remained. She began to sing a little, before a signal was given to shift to the next segment. Danny gladly gave a short nod of his head to indicate that they could go to the next one.
Once they were off camera, Kimmy bounded up to them. “Congratulations, Mr. T.. That had to be the corniest song ever done on this show.”
“Kimmy, I will have you know that we taught the concept of five in a most clever way, given how little advanced warning we had.” He thought for a minute. “Especially since I thought the number of the day was supposed to be 2.”
Stephanie admitted that was her fault. “I sort of changed it because I knew D.J. couldn’t do a song about two with just one of her.”
“Hey, I could have helped,” Kimmy said.
“Kimmy, there’s a part where my partner would have to sing that she was three.”
“Well, Deej, that is about her age level,” Stephanie cracked.
“Hey, watch it, squirt. I’ll have you know I’m way more mature than any three-year-old. And, I’m going to prove it; in just a couple minutes, I’m going to be singing with a yellow Muppet.” She cocked her head and said, “You know, somehow that didn’t sound right.”
After the next segment, Kimmy walked up to Bert in a cheerleader’s outfit. “Hey, Bert.”
“Huh; oh, hi, Kimmy. I was just sorting my paper clip collection.”
Kimmy whistled. “Boy, Bert, you’re actually more of a nerd than D.J.’s dad. Do you clean like a maniac, too?”
“Wh…? Nevermind, look, the national association of W lovers has selected me to open their convention.”
“Yep, that’s Mr. T., all right. Windex begins with W, after all.”
“True. Anyway, I was hoping you and I could say the alphabet together; but when you get to W, you jump and wave those pom poms and shout it. Got it?”
Kimmy was excited. “Sure do, Bert.” She jumped and shouted “A!”
“Kimmy, you’re supposed to wait till ‘W,’” Bert said in a slightly annoyed voice.
“Hey, I like to practice, okay?” Bert was a little flustered, but went along. Finally, they got to Kimmy saying, “G.”
“H.”
The letter “I” appeared on the screen, but Kimmy said, “J.”
“Whaaaa? J doesn’t come after H. I does. H-I-J,” Bert said as the letters appeared on the screen.
“It sure looks like it to me,” Kimmy explained.
“But, how can you…?”
Ernie walked in with a Macintosh keyboard. “Hey, Bert. I think I see the problem.”
“What is it now, Ernie, can’t you see I’m busy?”
“Well, yeah, Bert. But, I thought you’d like to know where she’s making her mistake. See this?” He points to the keyboard, the audience sees that the letters go “F-G-H-J-K-L.” “See, Bert? Except for one letter, that’s seven letters in a row. Because the alphabet goes FGHIJKL.”
“Right, and 7 minus 1 is 6. Hey, maybe we could have three numbers of the day; we’ve already had 5 and 2,” Kimmy suggested.
Bert looked askance at Kimmy; he couldn’t tell whether she was serious or not. But, he knew that there were already too many numbers of the day! “Okay, okay, thanks, Ernie. Now, look, Kimmy…Ernie, what are you still doing here?”
“Oh, I just wanted to stand here and help her if she needs.” He starts humming, which annoys Bert. “And, remember, I is the letter of the day. Do not look beside the ‘H’ key.”
“Ernie, she knows,” Bert said in a flustered voice. “All right, H.”
“N!”
“N?” Bert looked at Ernie and creased his eyebrows, as if getting mad. “You said you would help Kimmy.”
Ernie held up the keyboard again. “Oh, I did, Bert. I told her not to look beside the H. She looked under the H.”
“Ernie, Kimmy is supposed to say ‘I.’ Will you please tell Kimmy not to look beside the H, or under the H, or anywhere near the H,” Bert insisted.
“Oh. Okay, Bert. Kimmy, don’t look near the H.” She agreed, as Ernie showed her the keyboard again, and the audience also saw it. “Look far from the H.”
She understood. “Got it - look far, not near.”
“Okay, now, H!’
“Equals.”
Bert looked like smoke was ready to come out his ears. “Equals isn’t a letter!”
“Oh, but see, Bert, she looked far from the H, like you said. She looked far away from the H, and one of the keys that’s far away on this keyboard…”
“Ernie, listen to me,” Bert said, barely controlling his temper as he took the keyboard from Kimmy. “We are not doing far and near. We are doing the alphabet.” Bert held the keyboard above his head. “And, I do not want her to say anything that is on top of this keyboard!”
“Nothing that’s on top of the keyboard?” Kimmy asked.
“Exactly. Now, H.”
“Bert.” She noticed Bert getting very annoyed. “Well, all the letters are on the top of the keyboard. So I had to look under it. And, the only thing under the keyboard is you.”
“She has a point, Bert. You are under the keyboard! Kheee hee hee,” Ernie laughed, giving Kimmy a high five. “Nice going, Kimmy.”
Ernie and Kimmy walked off stage, leaving Bert to give his traditional long, exasperated sigh as he put the keyboard down.
Stephanie entered the room. “Don’t feel too bad, Bert,” Stephanie consoled him. “She lives next door, and she confuses things all the time around our house.”
“Yes, but why would she look at a keyboard to say the alphabet?”
“I don’t know, but at least she didn’t start screaming.”
“Scream? Why would she do that?”
“Why would she start screaming? Simple; the keyboard comes with a mouse,” Stephanie said, holding up a computer mouse just before the scene shifted.
If you'd like to continue it, go ahed. It's here for anyone now, with just a couple little scenes and a Bert & Ernie sketch. If not, I hope you'll have fun with the parts that are there. (Though someone trying to clean Oscar's trash can might make for a few more interesting things.)
Time - late summer, 1990:
THE HOUSE MEETS THE STREET
“This is going to be so cool!” Eight-year-old Stephanie Tanner looked up at her older sister D.J., thirteen. They shared a room, and she was eager not to sound too childlike. “I mean, this could be kind of fun.”
D.J. laughed. “Don’t worry, Steph, even I’m looking forward to this.”
“Having a special version of Sesame Street out here in San Francisco should be a lot of fun It’ll help raise money like our station’s telethon did last year, and it’ll be a great way to honor Jim Henson,” Danny Tanner said. He was the father of these two and of three and a half year old Michelle. Michelle could be a mischief maker at times because he refused to put her in the corner for timeout, or even take privileges away as punishment. Neither did the men who helped raise Michelle since the girls’ mother, Pam, died three years ago;, Danny’s brother-in-law, Jesse Katsopolis, and best friend, Joey Gladstone. Jesse would struggle till his own kids were almost two, a few years later. Joey would play hockey in the house and tell Michelle it was okay because Danny wasn’t home.
Thankfully, D.J. handled that behind the scenes, or Michelle would have been out of control long before this. Michelle at least always listened to D.J. well. She was a mild version of Dennis the Menace; usuallyi very good, but sometimes getting into stuff in a funny way.
Jesse, the Elvis-loving musician promised, “I might even help teach them Muppets some Elvis songs.”
Stephanie looked at D.J.. “Well, at least we won’t have to worry about Kimmy being the most embarrassing person there.” Kimmy Gibbler, D.J.’s best friend & their next door neighbor, was very dumb and very weird at times.
“True, Bert and Ernie singing ‘You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hound Dog’ is not an experience I’d want to be a part of. But, hey, if it helps promote quality programming, I’ll do it. We were there for you when you fell asleep during that telethon, Dad.”
Danny couldn’t help but chuckle. “That right. You guys all did so well. Thankfully, this won’t be a whole day, just a few hours.”
“Hola Tanneritos,” Kimmy said as she burst into the door.
Danny looked at her and said, “It might feel like days, though.” Somehow, Danny knew Kimmy would want a part in the production.
Once D.J. explained what was going on, Kimmy was excited. “I’m sure some of these little kids who watch have older brothers.”
“Kimmy, how could you think of using Sesame Street to find a date?” Jesse asked incredulously.
“Easy,” Stephanie cracked, “all the Muppets are on her level.”
“Hey, watch it, squirt, I happen to be far more intelligent than some orange guy who goes around with a banana in his ear. A banana could easily get stuck and then you’d have to have a doctor come with this big thing and make that banana split. Of course, it wouldn’t taste too good afterward.”
Danny smiled. “All right, Kimmy. As a matter of fact, we’re looking for a teenager to say the alphabet back and forth with Bert,” Danny said. “I already assigned D.J. to help with something else. I would use her, but this should be something you can handle.”
Once the final arrangements were made, the family plus Kimmy and Jesse’s fiancé Becky anxiously awaited the opening of their independent station’s Sesame Street production. It began early in the afternoon, right after Michelle’s nap. However, confusion reigned instantly.
“Look at this garbage can, it’s filthy,” Danny said as he and Big Bird walked through the street that had been set up. They were on live television, and supposed to be discussing how Sesame Street had come to San Francisco, but Danny’s compulsive love for cleaning had gotten the best of him. “We need to get this thing out of here.”
“Oh, no, that’s supposed to be there,” Big Bird said, slightly shaking his head.
“Are you kidding, it…” Suddenly, Oscar the Grouch popped his head out. “Oh, it’s you.”
“Who were you expecting, Little Red Riding Hood?”
“Why would she be in a trash can?”
“Nothing; now scram!” He quickly slipped back inside.
Luis and Maria walked up to Danny and Big Bird. The pair expected to begin talking about everyone visiting San Francisco. However, before they could, Danny said, “We need to get that trash can cleaned up.”
“I don’t think Oscar’s going to like that,” Maria said.
Oscar flipped the lid off the can and glared at Danny.
“No, he’s not,” Luis joked, “I can tell he’s upset. He just flipped his lid.”
“Hey, keep it down, will ya? I’m trying to play video games.” Joey walked up to them just then, and asked what video games. “Well, since you must know,” Oscar said testily, “I’m playing Pac-Grouch. And you just made my grouch get stomped on by a nice guy before he could eat any dirty, crumbled up tissues. Those are his power pellets, you know. Who are you, anyway?”
“Oh, well, I’m Danny Tanner and I host ‘Wake Up, San Francisco.’”
“So?”
Joey – a professional comedian who loved cartoons and who had helped orgniaze this - held his hands to his head and impersonated Bullwinkle. “So, why don’t you join the fun. After all, you came out here with the rest of your friends to San Francisco.” As Grover came up to them, Joey looked at him and said, “How about talking like this?”
Slightly skeptical, Grover followed suit anyway. “Mmm, why not. Hello, how are you today. I am Grover.”
“And I’m annoyed,” Oscar declared.
Good, we’re back into the script, Luis and Maria thought.
As he thought this, however, Danny pulled out a handkerchief and started to wipe out the inside of Oscar’s trash can.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Oscar complained. “You’re supposed to be asking what we do for fun back home, or something. Anything but this.”
“I’ll ask,” Joey offered. He asked Grover two things. “First, what do you do back home, and second, is he always this cranky?”
“Oh, certainly, Sir. We have all sorts of interesting people who came with us. Just look over there,” he said, pointing.
The camera panned a little, and then, as if Grover had been pointing at the Count, suddenly, a scene appeared with the Count and several chickens.
However, as they were about to begin the counting skit, Stephanie jogged up to him. “Hey, Count?”
“Ah...oh, oh, hello, I see a girl. One, one girl!” the Count ad libbed.
“Yeah. Anyway, what’s the number of the day?”
“What...?” The Count was confused, as the number of the day wasn’t supposed to be given until D.J.’s segment in a couple minutes. Still, he played along. “Why the number of the day is 2! Two eyes on this girl’s forehead - 1, 2! She had two arms, one, two…!”
“Can the number be a little higher?” Stephanie asked politely.
The Count was really confused now. “Why?”
“That’s a letter; you can‘t count to Y,” Stephanie quipped, flailing an arm. She knew these Muppets liked to tell jokes, so she figured it would be a good idea, though her part wasn’t supposed to come for a while.
“I know Y is a letter. But...you do not have three eyes, you have two eyes. One, two!”
“And you love to drive me as crazy as Kimmy does,” Stephanie said, forgetting she was live on TV as all this was going on. “Besides, three is a little too low, anyway. D.J. caught Michelle doing something naughty, and three minutes is too short. Michelle’s been getting wilder lately so we upped it to five.”
“What? You want me to count minutes?”
“No, D.J. is counting the minutes.”
“But I am Count von Count, counting is in my blood.”
“Fine. Count the fingers I have on one hand, and let’s get this over with,” Stephanie countered, trying to hurry things along.
“Very well. You have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 fingers! And wait, what’s this.” Stephanie rolled her eyes as the count took her other hand and counted the fingers. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 on this hand. And, I’ll bet you have 5 toes on each foot, too.” Stephanie walked off in a huff. “Hey, come back here, take off your shoes so I can count your toes!”
“I am not taking off my shoes. How rude!”
“Ah, how rude, that is two words, how and rude, and two is the...” The Count had the presence to turn toward the screen as the camera got a close up, and he said, “Now wait, what is the number of the day? Is it 2? Or is it 5?”
D.J. was startled when the camera light was turned on her while Michelle was still sitting in one corner of the living room set Bert and Ernie shared. She was supposed to sing a song about the number 2 with Michelle. But, as the cameraman said “up in thirty,” D.J. realized Michelle was now indisposed. And yet, it had been too little time for Michelle to be punished for throwing a ball and breaking the window, after being told not to do that.
So, as the “on the air” light came on, she began to ad lib. “Hi. My partner and I wanted to teach you a lovely song about two. But...” There was Stephanie running toward them! Saved, she thought.
No, just more confused, D.J. realized when Stephanie blurted out, “It’s five.”
“Steph, what’s 5? And, don’t you know we’re on...?” Oops, she thought, holding a hand to her mouth. That didn’t sound very professional
“Don’t worry, Deej, I talked to the Count. He seemed to think it was fine to change the number of the day to five.”
“Five?” I don’t know any songs about five, do I? “So now we’re doing five?”
“Yep. I’ll even help you.”
“Thanks, but...you’ve done enough...”
“No, really.” Stephanie turned toward the camera, and began tap dancing. “I’ve got 5 on my fingers, and 5 on my toes. I shall have 5, wherever I go.”
“Hmm, not bad.” D.J. joined Stephanie in singing the “5 song” she’d just made up, then glanced at her watch. “And I want to know, what number is coming, when from this scene, the animation starts running. Help me out here, Steph.”
“Our little sister was naughty, for five minutes she stays...”
“In timeout where I put her...so she cannot play. You can see we are struggling, for things with fives now,” D.J. sang.
Stephanie caught the possible rhyme, and held up her hand so D.J. wouldn’t talk. She told a joke and sang the last three words. “Like the boy who was asked to name 5 things with milk, and he said butter, cheese, cream, and two cows.”
D.J. stood and gawked at Stephanie as she finished the very long line to that made-up song. “Steph, that was the nuttiest rhyme I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh yeah, well...”
Danny knew the producers had no tapes with the number five available. So, he quickly ran into the scene. “Hi, I’m Danny Tanner. I taught these lovely girls how to count to five. And, Steph has actually come up with a great concept.”
“I did?”
“You bet, Steph. Let’s count those things. Butter, cheese, cream, and two cows. Let’s explain what just happened when you went from 3 to 5.”
D.J. quickly caught on. “Of course, good point, Dad. See, we added.”
“That right. See, in the joke...”
“Steph,” D.J. halted her, “let me explain, okay. We had three things, and we added two. Two cows.”
“Yes, and here are two chickens right now,” Danny said as two of the chicken Muppets who had been with the Count danced into the scene. At least they were able to scramble and get those ready, Danny said to himself.
Stephanie’s eyes grew wide with excitement. “And look at us. There’s you, Dad, there’s D.J., there’s me, and two chickens. That makes five, too!”
“That’s right, Steph. Boy, is our family good at ad libbing, or what?”
D.J. danced over to the corner after looking at her watch. The camera followed. “Five minutes are up, her timeout is over. I let her get up, and show that I love her.” D.J. pulled the chair away, picked Michelle up, and hugged her.
Only one chicken remained. She began to sing a little, before a signal was given to shift to the next segment. Danny gladly gave a short nod of his head to indicate that they could go to the next one.
Once they were off camera, Kimmy bounded up to them. “Congratulations, Mr. T.. That had to be the corniest song ever done on this show.”
“Kimmy, I will have you know that we taught the concept of five in a most clever way, given how little advanced warning we had.” He thought for a minute. “Especially since I thought the number of the day was supposed to be 2.”
Stephanie admitted that was her fault. “I sort of changed it because I knew D.J. couldn’t do a song about two with just one of her.”
“Hey, I could have helped,” Kimmy said.
“Kimmy, there’s a part where my partner would have to sing that she was three.”
“Well, Deej, that is about her age level,” Stephanie cracked.
“Hey, watch it, squirt. I’ll have you know I’m way more mature than any three-year-old. And, I’m going to prove it; in just a couple minutes, I’m going to be singing with a yellow Muppet.” She cocked her head and said, “You know, somehow that didn’t sound right.”
After the next segment, Kimmy walked up to Bert in a cheerleader’s outfit. “Hey, Bert.”
“Huh; oh, hi, Kimmy. I was just sorting my paper clip collection.”
Kimmy whistled. “Boy, Bert, you’re actually more of a nerd than D.J.’s dad. Do you clean like a maniac, too?”
“Wh…? Nevermind, look, the national association of W lovers has selected me to open their convention.”
“Yep, that’s Mr. T., all right. Windex begins with W, after all.”
“True. Anyway, I was hoping you and I could say the alphabet together; but when you get to W, you jump and wave those pom poms and shout it. Got it?”
Kimmy was excited. “Sure do, Bert.” She jumped and shouted “A!”
“Kimmy, you’re supposed to wait till ‘W,’” Bert said in a slightly annoyed voice.
“Hey, I like to practice, okay?” Bert was a little flustered, but went along. Finally, they got to Kimmy saying, “G.”
“H.”
The letter “I” appeared on the screen, but Kimmy said, “J.”
“Whaaaa? J doesn’t come after H. I does. H-I-J,” Bert said as the letters appeared on the screen.
“It sure looks like it to me,” Kimmy explained.
“But, how can you…?”
Ernie walked in with a Macintosh keyboard. “Hey, Bert. I think I see the problem.”
“What is it now, Ernie, can’t you see I’m busy?”
“Well, yeah, Bert. But, I thought you’d like to know where she’s making her mistake. See this?” He points to the keyboard, the audience sees that the letters go “F-G-H-J-K-L.” “See, Bert? Except for one letter, that’s seven letters in a row. Because the alphabet goes FGHIJKL.”
“Right, and 7 minus 1 is 6. Hey, maybe we could have three numbers of the day; we’ve already had 5 and 2,” Kimmy suggested.
Bert looked askance at Kimmy; he couldn’t tell whether she was serious or not. But, he knew that there were already too many numbers of the day! “Okay, okay, thanks, Ernie. Now, look, Kimmy…Ernie, what are you still doing here?”
“Oh, I just wanted to stand here and help her if she needs.” He starts humming, which annoys Bert. “And, remember, I is the letter of the day. Do not look beside the ‘H’ key.”
“Ernie, she knows,” Bert said in a flustered voice. “All right, H.”
“N!”
“N?” Bert looked at Ernie and creased his eyebrows, as if getting mad. “You said you would help Kimmy.”
Ernie held up the keyboard again. “Oh, I did, Bert. I told her not to look beside the H. She looked under the H.”
“Ernie, Kimmy is supposed to say ‘I.’ Will you please tell Kimmy not to look beside the H, or under the H, or anywhere near the H,” Bert insisted.
“Oh. Okay, Bert. Kimmy, don’t look near the H.” She agreed, as Ernie showed her the keyboard again, and the audience also saw it. “Look far from the H.”
She understood. “Got it - look far, not near.”
“Okay, now, H!’
“Equals.”
Bert looked like smoke was ready to come out his ears. “Equals isn’t a letter!”
“Oh, but see, Bert, she looked far from the H, like you said. She looked far away from the H, and one of the keys that’s far away on this keyboard…”
“Ernie, listen to me,” Bert said, barely controlling his temper as he took the keyboard from Kimmy. “We are not doing far and near. We are doing the alphabet.” Bert held the keyboard above his head. “And, I do not want her to say anything that is on top of this keyboard!”
“Nothing that’s on top of the keyboard?” Kimmy asked.
“Exactly. Now, H.”
“Bert.” She noticed Bert getting very annoyed. “Well, all the letters are on the top of the keyboard. So I had to look under it. And, the only thing under the keyboard is you.”
“She has a point, Bert. You are under the keyboard! Kheee hee hee,” Ernie laughed, giving Kimmy a high five. “Nice going, Kimmy.”
Ernie and Kimmy walked off stage, leaving Bert to give his traditional long, exasperated sigh as he put the keyboard down.
Stephanie entered the room. “Don’t feel too bad, Bert,” Stephanie consoled him. “She lives next door, and she confuses things all the time around our house.”
“Yes, but why would she look at a keyboard to say the alphabet?”
“I don’t know, but at least she didn’t start screaming.”
“Scream? Why would she do that?”
“Why would she start screaming? Simple; the keyboard comes with a mouse,” Stephanie said, holding up a computer mouse just before the scene shifted.
