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  2. Sesame Street Season 47
    Sesame Street's 47th season officially began Saturday January 7 on HBO. After you see the new episodes, post here and let us know your thoughts.

Sweeney Lefty: The Demon Barber Down Fleet Street

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by BeakerSqueedom, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member


    Lefty: Sweeney Todd
    Piggy: Mrs. Lovette/ Love it
    Sam: Judge
    Gonzo: The Beadle/ Assistant
    Annie Sue: Daughter of Sweeney/ Johanna
    Hilda: Beggar Woman
    Various Muppets: As victims
    Beaker: Toby
    Bunsen: Rival Barber/ Pirelli

    Lefty appears in Sweeney Todd garb...

    Lefty (singing)

    My name is Sweeney Lefty,
    I am small, and not so hefty!
    I've been imprisoned for many years,
    An' my soul has many fears,
    Dat my wife and baby daughter are all goooooooone!

    I was trown in prison by da judge,
    Dough I didn't hold a grudge,
    I'm a peaceful guy as you can plainly seeeeeee,
    So why is it dat da woild is so harsh and cruel ta me?

    Beggar Woman (enters, singing)

    'Ey, Sweeney Lefty,
    The man who is small and not so hefty,
    Your wife is dead, and your daughter is to be wed
    To the juuuuuuuuuudge!

    The very man who imprisoned you,
    The very man who took from you,
    Your life, your love, your family, your heart!
    And turned your daughter into nothin' but a common tart!

    But he looooooooooves her,
    Oh yes, he loooooooooves her,
    The judge, he loves her, and is going out of his head!
    For tomorrow your girl and that crum-bum will be wed!

    Lefty (falls dramatically to his knees, and sings)

    Oh no! My lovely wife is dead!
    Oh no! Who's gonna make my bread?
    Boo-hoo! My daughter is to be wed,
    To da man who set me uuuuuup!

    Gee, I feel a trickle,
    From my eye, this is a pickle!
    I had plans...to sell my baby goil
    To Fred the Butcher...fer a nickel!

    Boo-hoo! My future's coisted!
    Boo-hoo! How kin it get woise?
    My life...it has no meaning now...
    May as well get my head crushed...by a cooooow!

    (rises, and advances on Beggar Woman)

    You! How dare you tell me this?
    You! Did you have fun with this?
    Lettin' me know how tings stand,
    Between my daughter, and dat evil man!

    (whips out a straight razor)

    Sweeney Lefty! At last my arm is complete!
    Sweeney Lefty! There will be blood in the streets!
    Startin' wit you!
    Yes, you!

    You may only be da messenger,
    But you will take da place of dat sir
    Who brought me to dis state,
    And filled my heart with hate!

    Go, Sweeney Lefty, do it, do it!
    Do it Sweeney Lefty, do it for practice!
    How will ya ever get da judge,
    If yer noives are made of fudge?

    DO IT!

    Lefty finishes off the Beggar Woman.

    Lefty (spoken)

    Now ta get my revenge! Muwahahahahaha!


    Sweeney Lefty runs into Mrs. Love It...literally. Both fall to the ground.

    Lefty: Sorry, ma'am.

    Mrs. Love It: 'Ere watch where yer goin'!

    Lefty: I said I was sorry...riiiiiight!

    Mrs. Love It: An' me in me Sunday best...

    Lefty: Dose rags are yer Sunday best?

    Mrs. Love It: Yes, dearie. I have other rags for the rest of the week.

    Mrs. Love It extends her hand to Sweeney Lefty, expecting to be helped up. Sweeney Lefty is oblivious, and simply shakes it.

    Lefty: Pleased ta meetcha. I am Sweeney Lefty. Would ya help me up?

    Mrs. Love It rolls her eyes and stands. She lifts Sweeney Lefty to his feet.

    Mrs. Love It: Me name is Mrs. Love It.

    Lefty: Mrs. Lovett?

    Mrs. Love It: Naw! Mrs. Love It, dearie, as in "mmm...meat pies! I love it!"

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiight, riiiiiiiiight!

    Mrs. Love It: Me shop is right around the corner. If you have time, why don't you stop by and try my wares?

    Lefty: Will it cost me anyting?

    Mrs. Love It: Only a few pennies, dearie, only a few pennies...

    Sweeney Lefty does a quadruple take, and staggers back, clutching his chest in agony. He sings.

    Lefty (sings)

    A few pennies? A few pennies?
    Ta her it's just a few pennies!
    Ta me it's more dan dat,
    My pennies is like family!

    Mrs. Love It: Coming, dearie?

    Lefty: Hold yer horses, I'm havin' what's called a dramatic moment!


    A few pennies? A few pennies?
    Oh, it's true dat dis woman
    Don't know me! If I was ta part
    Wit my few pennies, I would surely diiiieeeeee!

    Mrs. Love It: I haven't got all bleedin' day, ya know!


    Just one penny lost would put me in da nuthouse,
    Just one penny lost would bring me ta ruin!
    A penny lost is a penny found ta someone else,
    An' I wanna be, oh, how I wanna *be* dat someone eeelse!

    Mrs. Love It: O'im outta here! (starts off)


    She's leavin'! She's walkin' away!
    I haven't finished decidin'
    If I wanna go or stay!

    Hmmm....let me tink about dis...

    If I stay, den I have my pennies safe and sound,
    But if I go, dat crazy woman will go ta town,
    And buy new rags wit my pennies,
    My sweet, wonderful pennies!

    Sweeney Lefty begins to follow Mrs. Love It.

    What's dis? I find myself following her!
    Stop, feet! I don't wanna be following her!
    Or do I? Aw, gee, my face is frownin',
    But den again, my tummy's growlin'...

    All right, I'll go, and eat da cheapest pie,
    I'll go, but I know I'm gonna cry,
    To be parted wit even one penny,
    One glorious, shiny penny...

    Oh woe is me, woe is me,
    Won't anyone cry for Sweeney Lefty?
    Da guy who's small, and not so hefty?
    Who will cry fer me, as I lose at least one penny?



    Full Credits To Winslow Leach
    [Written by]
  2. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    Your brilliance is blinding!
    Your first script in the fan-fic forums!

    Love the casting.


    You've made a dark film...
    A comedy! :D
  3. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    NOTE: Yeah, so far, I'M responsible for this mess...er...Sweeney Todd with Muppets, why not? So we have Lefty as Sweeney, Piggy as Mrs. Lovett (or Mrs. Love It), Sam the Eagle as the Judge, Annie Sue as Johanna, Bunsen as Pirelli, Beaker as Toby, and a bunch of other Muppets in smaller roles...

    So, uh, let's continue, I guess...

    Oh, and this is actually my very first attempt at a fanfic. It kind of started as a joke in the dorms, with Claudia and the scientists bursting into song...then Lefty suddenly became Sweeney Lefty for no apparent reason...but it was taking over the dorms, so I asked Claudia if she could cut and paste the material over here in the proper section, since the thing began growing...so, thanks to Claudia, this piece is now here, as my first contribution to Muppet fanfic.:scary:
  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    LOL! Thanks!:)
  5. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It in the pie shop.

    Mrs. Love It (drops a green, moldy pie in front of Sweeney Lefty) There ya go, dearie!

    Lefty: Do I hafta pay fer it?

    Mrs. Love It: 'Ere! Do ya think I'm runnin' a bleedin' charity?

    Lefty: What if I don't like it? It don't look too appetizin'.

    Mrs. Love It: Then don't eat it!

    Lefty: I won't!


    Mrs. Love It: Yes you will.

    Lefty: No I won't.

    Mrs. Love It: Yes you will!

    Lefty: No I won't!

    Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It push the pie back and forth.

    Mrs. Love It: Will!

    Lefty: Won't!

    Mrs. Love It: Will!

    Lefty: Won't!

    Mrs. Love It (sings)


    Yes, you will! Yes, me dearie, yes you will!
    I can hear your tummy rumbling as we speak!
    Just as surely as my heart and yours will beat!
    Just please ignore the stale, rancid meat!

    Lefty: What?

    Mrs. Love It

    Yes, you will! You will eat it,
    Go on now, take a bite, repeat it,
    It's truly delish, a charm, a wish,
    A treat for the pallet, such a fancy dish!

    Yummy, yummy, yummy,
    Put that pie in your tummy,
    And tell me how much you love it,
    Do it, dearie, do it now!

    Sweeney Lefty stares at the pie. He slowly lifts it to his mouth. Mrs. Love It watches him eagerly, in anticipation. Sweeney Lefty takes a bite. Beat.

    Sweeney Lefty violently spits the pie out. He dramatically overemotes.

    Lefty (sings)

    I'm poisoned! I ate dis crazy lady's pie, and I'm poisoned!
    I've never eaten such rotten fare,
    And if I was you I'd have a care,
    'Cause I'm about ta throw up everywhere!


    Mrs. Love It: Well, if you didn't like it...you could have at least kept your mouth shut! (daintily wipes off her shoe)

    Lefty: And dis is yer profession?

    Mrs. Love It: Ooh, so what are yer now, a bleedin' food critic? I'll 'ave you know me pies are the best pies in...the best pies in...aw, bloody chopsticks, who am I kiddin'? Me pies are the worst! The absolute worst! In fact, that pie I just served you was made over a week ago.


    Mrs. Love It: Er...yes. Well. As you can see, business ain't exactly boomin'. So what is your trade, if I may be so bold?

    Lefty: I kin still feel it comin' up...urp...I'm...I'm a barber...

    Mrs. Love It: A barber? Well, ain't that just dandy?

    Lefty: Why's dat?

    Mrs. Love It: I just 'appens to 'ave an empty barber shop right above our heads!

    Lefty: Really?

    Mrs. Love It: If I'm lyin', I'll stuff yer face with the rest of that pie!

    Lefty: Okay, I believe ya...riiiiiight! Kin I use it? Da barber shop, I mean?

    Mrs. Love It: What for?

    Lefty: 'Cause I wanna sell ice cream! What do ya tink I wanna use it fer? What fer...

    Mrs. Love It: Well...I suppose you can...but what will I get out of it?

    Lefty: Hmmm...I know! It'll attract customers to yer shop!

    Mrs. Love It: How so?

    Lefty: Are you fer real? Listen...I do da barberin'...you do da bakin'...riiiight...den I send my customers down to you!

    Mrs. Love It: Sounds like a jolly good idea. But what happens if yer customers don't wanna partake of my delicacies?

    Lefty: Huh? Speak English, lady...

    Mrs. Love It: What if they only want a shave and a haircut--

    Lefty: Two bits!

    Mrs. Love It: What?

    Lefty: Sorry...I always wanted ta do dat...go on...

    Mrs. Love It: Well, as I was sayin'...what if they only want a shave and a haircut, and don't want any of my pies?

    Lefty: Don't worry. Ya helped me out by givin' me a place ta practice my trade, and ultimately get revenge on da evil judge who set me up, caused my wife to die, and took my daughter from me.

    Mrs. Love It: I beg your pardon?

    Lefty: Er...I mean...I will provide you with customers...one way or another...muwahahahahaha!
  6. Fragglemuppet

    Fragglemuppet Well-Known Member

    What an interesting idea! And Tony, welcome to the wild world of fanfiction! Hope you like it here!
  7. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thank you, Kate!:)

    Sorry if the "lyrics" are banal, but I'm just making this up as I go along...if I do a "proper" fanfic, I promise it will be much better thought out and organized.
  8. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Oops! I forgot about a major character! Anthony, the young rival for Johanna's affections. Let's say...Scooter?;)
  9. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    A room in the Judge's house. Johanna gazes out the window.

    Johanna (sings)

    I am a sweet maiden fair,
    How I wish I were out there,
    Far from the judge, and his cruel, cruel care,
    How I wish I were out there.

    Anthony, a sailor, appears in the street.

    Anthony (sings)

    I hear a sweet maiden fair,
    Longing to be on the street out here,
    Well maybe not the street, but you get the idea,
    I bet she wishes she was out here.


    Out there!


    Out here!


    Out there!


    Out here!

    The Judge bursts into the room.

    Judge (sings)

    What is this singing?
    It hurts my ears!
    You've broken your promise,
    My poor little dear,
    When I took you in, I made one thing clear,
    I don't want to hear singing ever in here!


    I'm not siiiiiiiiiingiiiiiing!


    Yes you aaaaaaaaaaarrrrre!


    Believe me, I'm noooooooooot!


    What do you call thaaaaaaaaaat?


    I haven't sung since I became your ward,
    I haven't the heart, nor the inspiration.
    My heart is locked in a cage, and I have no reason
    For siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging!


    Out here!


    (runs to window)

    My my, what is that?
    What is that sound?
    I hear a young man,
    Out there on the grounds!
    I *see* a young man,
    Out there on the grounds!
    I will call for the Beadle!


    Whoosh! The Beadle appears.

    Beadle: Yes, boss?

    Judge: Beadle, there is a rather annoying young man outside of my window. Do something about it, will you please?

    Beadle: Sure thing! (dashes to window) Hey kid! Beat it!

    Judge (chuckles) Excellent, excellent! (pushes the Beadle's hat down over his eyes) Fool! I could have done that! I want you to go out there, and physically remove him! Oh, and threaten him, that if he ever shows himself around here again, I'll have him locked up.

    Beadle: Right!

    Judge: Oh, and Beadle?

    Beadle: Yes?

    Judge: Whatever you do...don't sing!

    Beadle: I wouldn't dream of it, your highness!

    The Beadle dashes out of the room.


    Immediately the Beadle appears beside Anthony. Anthony is stunned the Beadle has gotten down to the street so quickly.

    Anthony (sings)

    Hello, kind sir, you have given me a fright,
    Ah, nevermind, perhaps you can help me this night.
    You see, there is a maiden fair in that window above,
    Well, it appears, due to the conventions of this play,
    That we must be in love!

    Won't you help me, kind sir, this night,
    And bring her down to me?
    I will be so happy, if you will, kind sir,
    I will dance...uh...merrily?

    Beadle (sings)

    Fool, don't you know who I am?
    I am the Beadle, the Judge's right-hand maaaan!

    Judge (from window) Hey! I told you! No singing!

    Beadle: Sorry! Move along, young man, or the judge will have you imprisoned. And you don't want that, not with the way prisons are kept these days. And the food! Don't get me started on the food! I remember one time when--

    Judge: BEADLE!

    Beadle: Er...yes...move along, move along, now...this is a private residence...no loitering! (whispers) Go! And remember what I told you about prisons being a nasty place! I know a nice fellow like you wouldn't want to have icky spiders crawling through his hair...

    Anthony: Well...I'll go...now. (looks up, at window) But I will be back! And then...


    I will come for you, my sweet maiden fair,
    I will come for you later, then you and me
    Shall be...out heeeeeeeeeere!

    (walks away)

    Beadle: Aw, isn't that nice? (wipes away a tear) Such a nice guy! (sighs) I almost wish he were coming for me. Because...


    The juuuuuuuudge is such an evil man to work for!
    The juuuuuuuuuuudge is--

    Judge: BEADLE!

    Beadle: I'm sorry, sorry! I got carried away!

  10. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member


    This script, so grand!
    Such exquisite taste,
    I've become a fan!

    Let's see what'll take place!
    As I lay on the sand...
    Red in the face!




    Now...post some more...here? :D
  11. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Reads... *Laughs... *Applauds.
    Must... Have... More!

    Need to know what's next for the demon salesman of Sesame Street.
    Please Tommy... Post moooore!
  12. Fragglemuppet

    Fragglemuppet Well-Known Member

    Ah, perfect! Scoter is a perfect choice for Anthony! He's young, very sought after if you read a lot of the fanfictions here or the RHLC, and his enthusiasm can have the ability to irritate the older and more cinical people around him. Not to mention he can really sing!

    More please, and remember, sometimes making it up as you go along is the best way to work!
  13. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thank you, Claudia, Ed and Kate!:)
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    LOL! Yes, I do know that Scooter has a few fans scattered around MC here and there!;) And of course he's a wonderful singer. Richard had an excellent singing voice!

    Yeah, if I had known I was getting into this whole thing, i.e. beyond the name "Sweeney Lefty," I would have planned it out a bit more instead of just winging it. Obviously the lyrics need EXTREME polishing...and I actually started to write this before I had any of the other Muppets in mind for the roles, except for Lefty. Although I immediately thought of Sam as soon as I thought of the Judge.

    But I'm glad you like it! And as long as you guys keep reading, I'll keep posting!:)
  15. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    So... Youz gonna post any moiah Tommy? Huh huh huh? Tommy? *Fills Tommy's Little Mermaid bowl with M&M candies, the M's freshly printed off of Newsy's typewriter to get da kid to post more story.
  16. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Sweeney Lefty is in his barbershop, over Mrs. Love It's. The room is bare, save for a barber chair and a large trunk. Sweeney Lefty sweeps the floor.

    Lefty (sings)

    Dis room is a mess,
    I'm used to luxury,
    Dis room is a mess,
    What am I gonna do,
    I have ta confess,
    Dis room is a mess,
    Dis room is a mess!



    Now I'm sneezin',
    Dis feeling ain't so pleasin',
    Dere's cobwebs on da floor,
    And a bee's nest on da door,
    Sweepin' is such a chore!

    Mrs. Love It enters. Sweeney Lefty instinctively reaches for the razor in his pocket, and swivels around. He relaxes when he sees her.

    Lefty: Oh. It's you.

    Mrs. Love It: That's a fine howdy-do!

    Lefty: Ya didn't tell me dis room was such a mess!

    Mrs. Love It: Well, I haven't been up here in about twenty years.

    Lefty: I'm gonna get pew-na-monia, on account it's so chilly!

    Mrs. Love It: I'm going to go into town and spend me last remaining change on ingredients for me pies. Although I don't know why. Would you like to accompany me?

    Lefty: Nah!

    Mrs. Love It: Today is the day Pirelli is in town.

    Lefty: Who's dat?

    Mrs. Love It: Only the most famous barber 'round these parts.

    Lefty (does double take) What was dat?

    Mrs. Love It: I said Signor Pirelli is the most famous barber 'round these parts. Men and women come from all over, just to get a shave and a haircut--

    Lefty: Two bits!

    Beat. Mrs. Love It stares at Sweeney Lefty.

    Mrs. Love It: As I was sayin'...men and women come from all over, just to get a shave and a haircut from him.

    Lefty: What makes dis guy so hoity-toity hot pants dat men and women flock ta him?

    Mrs. Love It: Well...he's Italian.

    Lefty: And...?

    Mrs. Love It: No other reason. We love exotic people, dearie.

    Lefty: I tink I will accompany ya inta town. I wanna feast my eyes on dis Pirelli character...riiiiiiiiiight!

    Sweeney Lefty pats his razor, and puts it back into his pocket.
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Ooh! M&Ms!:D :insatiable:
  18. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Riiight. And there's a box of dem Scouting Goil cookies in it fer ya if youz post some moiah befores I gotsta take off.
    *Pats box tucked safely.

    If youz want dese cookies... You'll post the next bit capice?
  19. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    A crowded marketplace, filled with Muppets, going about their daily business. A large wagon is set up. A banner hangs from it, which reads: "Signor Pirelli's Miracle Hair Tonic." Toby, Pirelli's meek assistant, enters from the wagon. He wears a cap. Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It approach the wagon, and watch, as Toby dramatically goes into his spiel.

    Toby (sings)

    Meep meep meep meep,



    Meep meep meep meep, meep, meep, meeeee!

    (as if to say "but then!" Toby points to the bottle in his hand, and his capped head; he holds the bottle to his chest, and sways back and forth)

    Meep mee!


    Meeeeeeeeeep! Meeepmeep Meeeeeeeep!

    (Toby whips off his cap, revealing a head full of bright orange red hair, and strikes a final pose, complete with jazz hands, as if to say "ta-daaaa!")


    The crowd stands in confusion and silence. Toby deeply sighs, and points to the bottle, then to his head, then to the banner. It takes a few moments, but the crowd finally put two and two together. A sudden surge rushes the wagon. At first, Toby is frightened by the mass hysteria, but then relaxes, as he realizes the crowd only wants to buy a bottle. He begins exchanging bottles for money.

    Sweeney Lefty grabs a bottle of this "miracle" hair tonic from a passerby, and takes a sniff. He immediately falls backward, gagging.

    Lefty: Agh! What is dis swill? It smells awfully familiar! It smells like...naaaah...it can't be! (sniffs and reels again) It is! Dis is nothing but...(looks around and whispers in Mrs. Love It's ear)

    Mrs. Love It: What? Oh, no! No, it can't be! It simply cannot...(Sweeney Lefty holds the bottle under her nose; she reacts) Bleedin' chopsticks, it is! 'Ow could he get away, sellin' that to the public, what believes 'im?

    Lefty: Fake! Fake! Listen ta me, people! Dis is a fake! Put yer money away, you're wastin' it on common, ordinary, everyday--

    The curtains of the wagon part dramatically, and Signor Pirelli stands there. He is flamboyantly dressed in bright colors, and has a ridiculous, handlebar mustache. He kicks Toby out of the way, and stands on the edge of the wagon, fury building. He speaks in a phony Italian accent that would make Chico Marx blush in embarassment.

    Pirelli: What-a silly person is-a callin' my-a hair-a tonic-a swill?

    Lefty: Me!

    Pirelli: And-a who are you-a, sir?

    Lefty: Sweeney Lefty...riiiiiiiiight, riiiiiiiight!

    Pirelli: Sweeney-a Lefty, eh? I've-a-never-a-heard of you! Now get-a outta my face, you-a silly person, before I-a call-a the constable, you-a-funny-faced little man!

    Lefty: Fake! Fake! He's a fake! He's only selling his own--

    Pirelli: You-is-a-makin'-me-a-red-in-the-face! Signor Pirelli has-a never-a been-a so insulted before! Me! Da man who has shava da Pope!

    Lefty: The Pope of what?

    Pirelli mutters in Italian.

    Pirelli: That-a is it! Toby! Set uppa da two chairs! Me and who's-his-face-Swiney-is-a-gonna-have-a-little-contest! Do you accept?

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Pirelli: Den we will hava da Beadle here be-a-da judge! Beadle?

    Beadle: Wow! Me, a judge? I've never been a judge before! This is fantastic! I always bother the Judge--you know, the real Judge--if I could at least try on his trousers once in a while, and he's always--

    Pirelli: Enough!

    Beadle: Sorry!

    Pirelli: You will-a-judge-a-da-contest between me and-a Swiney! Da first one who-a finishes a shave wins!

    Beadle: Gotcha! Hey, do you think when we finish, I could try on your trousers, just for a few minutes? They look really snazzy and--

    Pirelli knocks the Beadle over the head with his cane.

    Beadle (sings)

    And noooooow, the end is near,
    And so I've faced the final curtain...

    Pirelli knocks the Beadle over the head with his cane again.

    Beadle: Wow! Where was I? I imagined myself as a Vegas lounge singer, who--

    Pirelli: Shaddap, you-a silly person!

    Beadle: Sorry.

    Pirelli (turns to Sweeney Lefty) And-a you! Are you...?

    Pirelli is flabbergasted to see a bearded Whatever Muppet already in a barber chair, with a cloth over him, ready to be shaved. Sweeney Lefty sharpens his razor.

    Pirelli looks through the crowd for a willing subject. Almost at once, everyone's eyes drop downward, afraid to be called on. Pirelli sighs, grabs Toby, who begins protesting, and shoves him into the other barber chair. Pirelli drapes a cloth over him.

    Lefty: Ready!

    Beadle: Let the contest begin!

  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Si, si...already done!:insatiable:

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