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  2. Sesame Street Season 47
    Sesame Street's 47th season officially began Saturday January 7 on HBO. After you see the new episodes, post here and let us know your thoughts.

Sweeney Lefty: The Demon Barber Down Fleet Street

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by BeakerSqueedom, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yeah, yeah... What da goil said. Post da next chapter quick, quick... And 1, 2, step tru da frumious jaws of da Bandersnatch.

    C'mon... You know you wanna post that next chapter. So why doncha hurry home and post that next chapter. Don't ask any questions, just post the next chapter tonight. We really want it, so post that next chapter now.
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Mrs. Love It rushes into the barbershop, and sees Sweeney Lefty on the floor.

    Mrs. Love It: Oh, my! He's bleedin' dead! The Judge killed him! Help, help! Murder! Murder!

    Lefty (in a soft voice) I had him...I had him...

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. Lefty?

    Lefty: ...had him...I had him...

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. Lefty, wake up!

    Sweeney Lefty bolts up, fuming.

    Lefty: I HAD HIM! He was right dere, in dat chair...I had him just where I wanted him and...dat crum-bum kid comes runnin' in, tellin' me he plans to run off wit my daughter!

    Mrs. Love It: Calm yourself--

    Lefty: Away from me, wench! He'll never come ere again! Dat's what he said, 'cause he saw me an' da kid together!

    Mrs. Love It: Holy Coincidence, Batman!

    Lefty: Swine!

    Mrs. Love It: Who you callin' a swine, what has a complexion like a pickle? HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAAAAA! (gives Sweeney Lefty a karate chop; he doubles over) Pig power!

    (Sweeney Lefty cries out in agony, and angrily sings)



    Dere's a hole in da woild
    Dat's black and spooky
    Dat's filled wit people
    Who are filled wit poopie
    Vermin, scum, dey inhabit da woild
    But not fer long!

    Everyone deserves ta die
    Even you an' me
    And dat's no lie
    No man is better dan da other,
    In da end, we're all da same!


    You, sir, yes, you sir,
    Why doncha come and have a shave?
    Visit yer good friend Lefty,
    He'll send youse to da grave!

    I shall have vengeance!


    You, sir, yes, you sir,
    Me an' my chair is waitin'!
    Only bleeders, please,
    Who has the courage ta come under my blade?


    Da Judge shall be mine!
    I shall have him, wait and see!
    In da meantime, I will practice,
    Yes, I will practice...on anyone
    Who is willin' ta meet me!

    Enjoy life while youse can
    My dear Judge
    'Cause Sweeney Lefty is comin' fer ya!
    Yes...Sweeney Lefty is comin' fer ya!
    And your end will be my masterpiece!

    Mrs. Love It holds an imaginary pie.

    Lefty: What's dat?

    Mrs. Love It: Oh, it's a new pie I made.

    Lefty: What's in it?

    Mrs. Love It: 'Tis quite delish! A brand new recipie of mine. I call it a little postman.

    Lefty: A little postman?

    Mrs. Love It: Yes! For you see...


    A postman makes his rounds all day,
    Of that we have no doubt
    He's energetic, healthy and fit,
    Not dumpy, fat or stout!
    He makes good eatin'
    Don't ya see?
    Have a bite, go on,
    And then tell me
    How much you like the taste
    Of a little postman!


    (getting the idea, sings)

    Bah! Postman makes me hurl,
    C'mon, be more creative my goil,
    How about a playwright?

    Mrs. Love It

    Naw, he won't cook right!


    A chimney sweep?

    Mrs. Love It

    Cor! He'll make ya cough deep!



    Mrs. Love It




    Mrs. Love It

    Eh, too flabby!


    I tink I know what yer gettin' at, Mrs. L,
    And I'm jumpin' fer joy at da notion, Mrs. L,
    Dese are deperate times, fer both me and you,
    But togedder we can rock da casbah, whaddaya say?

    Mrs. Love It


    Lefty: Excellent! I shall cut a large hole in da floor ere, an' attach da chair to a mechanical device...I loined a few tings in prison. Den when I stomp on da floor like so...(stomps)...dat'll be yer cue fer fire down below! Yer oven is right below dis room...and my chair will conveniently drop a fresh victim to youse, once I devise it so! Den youse and me will both prosper! Instead of dog eat dog...it'll be man eat man! Plus, we're doin' a soivice! We'll spare da families from havin' to shill out fer a proper funeral!

    Mrs. Love It: I like yer thinking, sir!

    Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

    Sweeney Lefty does a wild, rapid, happy tap dance around the room.

    Mrs. Love It: Cor! I've never seen ya so 'appy, Mr. Lefty!

    Sweeney Lefty grins broadly, and continues to wildly tap.

    Mrs. Love It


    A little postman,
    And a constable,
    And a ruffian or two or three,
    Shall provide me, yes provide me
    With a very handsome fee!
    Candle stick makers,
    All will be yummy once I get through with 'em!
    And of course we'll have Beadle,
    One very special Beadle,
    A very expensive, rare treat,
    Full of tender, juicy meat!
    Lion tamers,
    Whip masters,
    Come who may,
    I don't hold a grudge!

    Sweeney Lefty stops tapping.



    Ooh, how about *JUDGE*!

    Mrs. Love It: Judge, you say? Well, to be honest with you, Mr. L, there ain't much call fer judges 'round these parts, bein' their hides are thick and tough to crack. But I 'appen to know of one who is guaranteed to melt in yer mouth! Him I'm savin' especially fer you!

    Lefty: I get chills just tinkin' about how he'll taste!

    Mrs. Love It: Yes, luv, but Judge may take a little time. In the meanwhile, would ya like the next best thing?

    Lefty: Da next best ting?

    Mrs. Love It (hands Sweeney Lefty his razor) Executioner!

    Lefty: I like how ya tink!

    Mrs. Love It: We will not discriminate!

    Lefty: Anyone is fair game!

    Mrs. Love It: So come one, come all, to Sweeney Lefty's barbershop! It won't cost ya much...only yer lives!

    Lefty: Come one, come all, to Mrs. Love It's pie shop! Da meat is fresh...and so are da customers!

    Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It begin to laugh. Slowly, at first; their laughter builds and builds and builds, until it's like, "okay, enough guys, we get it!" But they continue laughing, like a couple of hyenas. Both fall to the floor, and roll around laughing crazily, until...

    Lefty: OUCH!

    Mrs. Love It: What happened, dear?

    Lefty: I cut my cheek wit my razor!

    Pause. Both begin to laugh hysterically again.
  3. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    [Dances with Eddie]
    Have charity towards the world, my pet!
    Let's nag Tony for more chapters...the most we can get!
    We'll not discriminate great or small...


    xD LOL!


  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    LOL, thank you Claudia!

    I'll finish, don't worry! I'm more than halfway done.

    'ave patience!
  5. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    ... *From the audience...
    Bravo! Bravissimo! Now whatcha'll do for an oncoaah? We needs more! So post, post, post!
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member


    Don't worry, Ed, Sweeney Lefty is sharpening up his trusty razor! The next scene will be a time lapse, as business is booming when we next encounter Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It.
  7. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

  8. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    A few weeks later...

    Business is booming at the barber/pie shop. In fact, the turnout is so huge, a large mob of Whatever Muppets are milling about outside, waiting their turn, both up and downstairs.

    The pie shop is filled to capacity. Mrs. Love It serves pies to various tables.

    Outside, Toby, wearing an apron, bangs a large bass drum in an attempt to attract more customers.

    He happily meeps about the delicious pies inside, pounding the drum with one hand, and rubbing his stomach contendedly with the other.

    Inside, various patrons are eating.

    Whatever Muppet: The most delicious pie I've ever tasted!

    His Wife: Yes, it is the best! I wish Uncle Jasper were here. He loved pies so!

    Whatever Muppet: For the last time, your uncle will show up sooner or later. You know how he gets after a few drinks.

    His Wife: But it's been over a week!

    Whatever Muppet: He'll turn up! Now go on, eat your pie! I'm all ready for thirds!

    His Wife: You're right. I'm sure he's much closer than we think! (happily digs into her pie)

    At another table...

    Statler: You know, this pie reminds me of my wife's cooking.

    Waldorf: That good, eh?

    Statler: Are you kidding? At home the mice hang themselves as soon as she enters the kitchen!

    Statler & Waldorf: Doh ho ho ho!

    At another table, a gigantic-bellied frog wearing a top hat sits back in his chair, stuffed.

    Frog: CrooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRP!

    Mrs. Love It: Toby! Toby, git in ere, lad! Toby!

    Toby can't hear Mrs. Love It, as he's happily pounding away on his drum.

    Mrs. Love It: Toby! TOBY!

    Toby continues to pound the drum.

    Mrs. Love It storms outside, and grabs Toby by the hair. She drags him into the pie shop, as he meeps in protest.

    Outside, the crowd all simultaneously pull ear plugs out of their ears.

    A few seconds go by...

    ...the bass drum smashes through the window, flying through the air, where it hits a waiting Whatever smack in the face. He goes down.


    Mrs. Love It: Listen to me, you stupid twit! I was kind enough to bring you in after yer boss ran out on ya with no explanation. The least ya kin do is help me serve these ere bleedin' pies!

    Toby sighs. As soon as Mrs. Love It turns her back, Toby reaches for a pie, and takes a bite. Mrs. Love It sharply turns.

    Mrs. Love It: Ha! Caught ya this time!

    Toby protests.

    Mrs. Love It: It's okay, dearie. You like my pies. You especially enjoy the scent, doncha?

    Toby nods.

    Mrs. Love It: Well...(Mrs. Love It grabs Toby's nose, and pulls it off his face) That'll teach yer!

    Toby (frantically grabbing his noseless face) Meep? Meep? (sees his nose in Mrs. Love It's hand) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

    Mrs. Love It puts Toby's nose down the front of her dress.

    Mrs. Love It: Now you'll never get it! Start servin'!

    Toby makes quick, angry hand gestures behind Mrs. Love It's back. Again, she turns and catches him.

    Mrs. Love It: Wanna lose yer hands too?

    Toby puts his hands behind his back.

    Mrs. Love It: SERVE! I gotta go check the new batch.

    Mrs. Love It enters kitchen. A large stove dominates the room. Nearby is a meat grinder. The floor is littered with the remains of several victims. From above, a pounding is heard. The trap opens, and the chair tilts back, sending another hapless victim to his doom. The chair flips back up, and the trap closes.

    Mrs. Love It: Ooh, he's a big one! Thanks, Mr. L!

    In the pie shop, Toby confusedly serves the pies. Some go to the wrong people, who protest loudly. Some don't receive pies at all. Toby is overwhelmed by the hungry crowd, who are shouting and stomping. He begins placing pies on *every* table, in an attempt to quiet the noise, but this only makes things worse.

    Voices (on top of each other)

    'Ey, I didn't order this!
    Where's me pie?
    Hurry up, ya slowpoke!
    This crust is cold!
    Hey stupid, hurry up with me ale!
    Whatsa matter kid? Don't have a nose for this business anymore?
  9. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The next day...

    Montage of Sweeney Lefty offing unfortunate victims who sit in his barber chair. Each victim meets his demise as so:

    Victim sits in chair; Sweeney Lefty drapes him with a cloth; Sweeney Lefty lathers his face with shaving cream; Sweeney Lefty pulls out his straight razor; in one fluid motion, Sweeney Lefty cuts his victim's throat; Sweeney Lefty stomps on the floor, pulls a lever, and the chair falls backward over a pit; when the chair returns to its normal position, the victim is gone.

    No fuss, no muss!

    Sweeney Lefty happily throws money in the air, letting it rain on him.
  10. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The Judge's home.

    Judge: Well, Beadle, the little wench is taken care of. She'll never see that...ugh...sailor again!

    Beadle: So you had her locked up in the nut house, eh?

    Judge: Beadle, please. Have more respect. It is not a nut house. It is a loony bin.

    Beadle: My mistake.

    Judge: Heh. That'll teach her to roam the streets with that saltwater riffraff.

    Beadle: Sire, permit me to speak.

    Judge: Will it take long?

    Beadle: I don't think so.

    Judge: Go ahead then.

    Beadle: You've put the fair Johanna into a nut--loony bin--correct?

    Judge: Yes. The finest in the city.

    Beadle: Forgive me for saying so, sir, but...won't she possibly suffer severe horror and distress? I mean, technically, there was nothing wrong with her to begin with. I would think a sane person being placed amongst inmates could do terrible damage. She may emerge even worse than when she went in!

    Judge (pause) Shut up!

    Beadle: Yes, sir!

    Judge: As long as she is away from that little pipsqueak, I don't care where she is.

    Beadle: You're all heart, sir.

    Judge: Yes. Yes, I am. Now excuse me. I must sentence the Crane lad to the gallows.

    Beadle: Crane, sir? Young Crane?

    Judge: Yes.

    Beadle: But the boy is only seven years old!

    Judge: Well...I didn't like the way he looked at me as I walked down the street the other day. He recoiled from my approach, if I were a common snake! I will not tolerate that kind of nonsense! He swings at daybreak tomorrow!

    The Judge leaves.

    Beadle: So sad...that such nice trousers are wasted on a man like that!
  11. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    ... As Whacko Warner would say: "Faboo!" Please, keep going, it's getting rully interesting now. Fer sure!
  12. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

  13. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member


    I wanted to stick Statler and Waldorf in here somehow, and they ended up in the pie shop scene. If I had done the victim montage with dialogue and with individual victims, I probably would have stuck one of them in there instead...

    Waldorf (in Sweeney Lefty's chair) Your razor is as dull as a lecture on paint drying! Doh ho ho ho!

    ...or something...
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The asylum. The director enters, followed by Anthony in disguise. The director is Pepe.

    Pepe: What did you say ju do, man?

    Anthony: I sell wigs. Wigs made out of human hair.

    Pepe: You've come to the right place, hokay? De womens here have gorgeous hair that I like to run my little fingers through, man! You'll find no disappointments here, hokay?

    Anthony: I'm looking for a specific style and color...blonde and curly...kinda like Harpo Marx.

    Pepe: Harpo Marx ju say? We got a Harpo Marx in a couple days ago, man. I haven't had a chance to run my little fingers through her hair yet, but it looks real pretty, hokay?

    (Pepe opens a cell door)

    Pepe: She's in there, hokay? Take all the time you want! I gotta go visit de women in de next cell!

    (Pepe exits)

    Anthony: Johanna...Johanna...it's me...Anthony!

    Johanna: Anthony?

    Anthony: I've come to get you out of here.

    Johanna: You can't! That director is so intimidating!

    Anthony: That little shrimp? Bah! I can take care of him! (calls) Hey Mr. Shrimp! Mr. Shrimp, sir? Hello?

    (Pepe sticks his head in)

    Pepe: Whatcha want, man?

    Anthony: Um...come in here a minute, will you?

    (Pepe enters cell)

    Pepe: What? Hurry dis up, hokay? I gotta run my little fingers through de woman's hair in de cell next door. What's up, man?

    Anthony: Well, uh...(points behind Pepe) LOOK OUT, BEHIND YOU! GODZILLA!

    Pepe (turns in shock) Where? Where?

    Anthony and Johanna run out of the cell, and slam the door behind them, locking Pepe in.

    Pepe: Hey! Ju can't do this to me! I'm the director of this asylum, hokay? Hey! Get back here! I'm gonna get real red in a minute if you don't unlock this door, man! Hey! Hey!
  15. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    X3 Short and sweet.
    Loved it.
  16. Beakerfan

    Beakerfan Well-Known Member

    BWAHAHA! Poor Pepe....
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The pieshop, after hours.

    Mrs. Love It: Well, Toby, lad, you've done a good day's work. Here is your nose back.

    Mrs. Love It hands Toby his nose; Toby puts it back on his face, and breathes contendely. He salutes Mrs. Love It, and starts to leave. He stops and backtracks, grabbing Mrs. Love It's arm.

    Mrs. Love It: What is it?

    Toby gestures to the barbershop above.

    Mrs. Love It: The ceiling? What about the ceiling?

    Toby shakes his head no; he points upward again, and runs his finger across his throat.

    Mrs. Love It: 'Ere, I don't have time to play charades. I have ta get me beauty sleep.

    Toby sighs in frustration. He reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls a picture of Sweeney Lefty out. He hands it to Mrs. Love It.

    Mrs. Love It: You've got an autographed picture of Mr. L? (reads) "Ta da best little helper a barber could have. Love, Sweeney Lefty." Cor! That pickle-skinned hedgehog never gave me an autographed picture of 'im! Especially one like this, where he's posin' in his bleedin' bathing suit! (double-take) Bathing suit? What the--

    Toby points to the picture, then points upward.

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. L. What about dat cheap skinflint? Passin' out pictures of himself to the help! Wait'll I get hold of 'im!

    Toby again runs his finger across his throat.

    Mrs. Love It: I don't get yer...

    Deep sigh from Toby. He begins stomping around the pieshop, arms outstretched, grunting, like the Frankenstein monster.

    Toby: Meeeee....meeeeeeeeee....

    Mrs. Love It: What are yer tryin' ta tell me, Toby?

    Toby continues his Frankenstein monster impression. He mimes picking up a victim with one hand, and cutting the victim's throat with the other.

    Mrs. Love It: Are you tryin' ta tell me that Mr. L is evil?

    Toby points to his nose, and nods "yes," frantically.

    Mrs. Love It: Cor! Go on! Why, Mr. L is the kindest man in the city. He wouldn't hurt a fly!

    Toby chuckles, putting his hand over his mouth.

    Mrs. Love It: Just how much do ye know, Toby?

    Toby, as the Frankenstein monster, stomps over to Mrs. Love It, and gently puts his hands around her neck.

    Mrs. Love It: 'Ere! Git off!

    Mrs. Love It pushes Toby off her. Toby sniffles, and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

    Mrs. Love It: Oh...you was tryin' ta warn me about Mr. L, is that it?

    Toby nods "yes."

    Mrs. Love It: You think he's a monster?

    Toby nods "yes."

    Mrs. Love It: How do ye know?

    Toby elaborately mimes walking up to Sweeney Lefty's shop, and stopping, just as he is about to enter. He mimes peering into the window, and mimes the last few seconds of Sweeney Lefty's latest victim's life. The razor across the throat, and the chair falling backward, disposing of the body into the pit. Toby next mimes staggering in horror and shock, covering his mouth, as if he's about to vomit. He rushes to Mrs. Love It, and protectively puts his arm around her waist. He points upward, points to Mrs. Love It, and shakes his head "no," as if to say, "I won't let him harm you."

    Mrs. Love It: Aw, Toby, that was just a nightmare ya had!

    Toby shakes his head "no."

    A ballad begins. The song is called "I Won't Let Him Harm You." Toby gestures dramatically throughout the number, holding Mrs. Love It tightly, telling her through song that Sweeney Lefty is a bad man, and that he, Toby, will protect Mrs. Love It from Sweeney Lefty's wickedness.



    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Meeeeemeeee, meeee meee, meeeeeeeee!
    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Mee mee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Meee meeeeee memoomoo meeee
    Meeeeeeee moooooo mooooooo meee moooooooo!
    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Mee mee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Mrs. Love It: Okay, I think I got--


    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Meep meep meep moop moop!
    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Meep moo moo moo meep meep!

    Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep,
    Mee moo mee mee mee meeeee,
    Me mee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Mrs. Love It: That's fine, To--



    Mrs. Love It: All right! Cut it out! I can't take it anymore! 'Ere...(Mrs. Love It takes Pirelli's coin bag out of the top of her dress, and hands Toby a coin) Go down the street and get plastered!

    Toby does a double-take when he sees Pirelli's bag. He steps backward, and points at it. Mrs. Love It realizes she has made a boo-boo.

    Mrs. Love It: Wot, this old thing? Why Mr. L gave it ta me. It' a common change purse. You kin get one just like it down on--

    Toby grabs the bag from Mrs. Love It and inspects it. He points to the name "Signor Pirelli" sewn on the inside. He folds his arms across his chest and taps his foot, waiting for an explanation.

    Mrs. Love It: Well...Pirelli liked Mr. L so much, he gave him his change purse as a token of friendship.

    Toby shakes his head "no." Pirelli would never be so generous, especially to a rival.

    Mrs. Love It: Ya don't buy that one, hey?

    Toby shakes his head "no." He is about to storm out of the pieshop. Mrs. Love It dashes over to him, and hits him over the head with a rolling pin. She drags Toby's unconscious body into the kitchen with the large oven, slams the door, and locks it.

    Mrs. Love It: Little twirp knows too much! Mr. L! Mr. L!

    Mrs. Love It runs out of the pieshop, and rushes upstairs to the barbershop, where Sweeney Lefty is gleefully counting his money.
  18. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    LOL! I don't know.
    Even though he was warning Mrs. Lovette...
    that that barber is indeed a demon...
    It seemed as if he was hitting on her! LOL!

    I know he wasn't...
    But it seemed like it.

    Oh god, this is a beautiful song...
    and to hear (read) it in meeps--HILARIOUS!

    Silly Piggy.
    You just 'ad tah show Toby dah goily purse.

    </3 Reminding me of Bunsen...
    OH NO!


    I mean...Tommy...
    I mean...TONY!
  19. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Hmmm... Hitting on Mrs. Lovit? Not sure I see that. But Beakie... Nooooooooooo!
    Why does he have to be shoved into the fire hot oven... *Sobs for da meepster.

    OK, youz bettah post more story before Johnny Fiama gets rough with youz Tommy!
    *Swings monkey fist menacingly in the direction of the author to get the next part.
  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Hold those tears, Count! Beaker isn't dead. He wasn't shoved into the oven. He was simply thrown into the kitchen where the oven is. Mrs. Love It doesn't want him running around, meeping his head off about her and Sweeney Lefty's crimes, so she locked him up.

    The meepster shall return!;)

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