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Sweeney Lefty: The Demon Barber Down Fleet Street

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by BeakerSqueedom, Mar 2, 2008.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Yaey! *Hugs Tony. Thank you... Hey Lou, da kid gets ta liiiiiive! *Runs off to tell Squeex.
    *Pops head back in. Oh, and kid... Thanks. *Gives Tony some of his choc fudge cookies.
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The barbershop.

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. L! Mr. L!

    Lefty: SHHHHHHHH! I wanna hear da sounds of my coins jingle! Dat's right, babies, jingle fer daddy!

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. L! The kid! The kid knows!

    Lefty: Huh? Knows what?

    Mrs. Love It: About us!

    Lefty: Us? Whaddaya mean us? We're not romantically involved, although I do notice ya givin' me da eye sometimes...but I choose to ignore it.

    Mrs. Love It: He knows what we've been up to!

    Lefty: Singin' off-key?

    Mrs. Love It hits Sweeney Lefty upside the head.

    Mrs. Love It: Bloody fool! He knows about the cut-cut-slit-slit-drop-drop-bake-bake-eat-eat that's been goin' on around here lately!

    Lefty: Well, as you say, it has been goin' on fer awhile, and he is a smart kid...he was bound ta figure it out, sooner or later.

    Sweeney Lefty continues counting his money. Mrs. Love It is speechless at his casual attitude. She slowly walks to him, and karate chops him in the stomach. Sweeney Lefty doubles over.

    Mrs. Love It


    Yer a fool, Mr. L,
    Don't ya know, Mr. L
    You're a moron, Mr. L
    Of that it's true!

    Don't ya see, Mr. L,
    He will tell, Mr. L,
    Then what'll happen
    To me and you?

    We'll go to jail,
    Or to the gallows,
    Is that what ya want?

    Don't ya see, Mr. L,
    We have a problem, Mr. L
    We have ta get rid of the kid!
    It's our only way out!



    Whaddaya want me ta do?
    Dat kid has been nothin' but nice
    To us...I even gave him a picture of myself
    In my bathing suuuuuuuuuuuuuit!

    I can't kill him, 'cause killin's a crime!
    Why, Sweeney Lefty would never
    Hurt a fly! What makes ya think
    I have da means to kill him?

    (Mrs. Love It stares at Sweeney Lefty for a full minute before speaking)

    Mrs. Love It: Are you serious?

    Lefty: Yes, of course I am, what makes you...(he remembers) Oh...riiiiiiiiiiight.....riiiiiiiiiiiiight! I'm da crazy barber guy! Where's da kid?

    Mrs. Love It: I have him locked in the kitchen.

    Lefty: Good!

    (The Beadle enters)

    Beadle: Hello, Mr. Lefty...(to Mrs. Love It)...my porky princess!

    Mrs. Love It: Get a life, geek!

    Beadle: I have come for a shave! And to inspect your place of business...(rapidly moves his head around the room) It's a dump, clean it up! (Whoosh! The Beadle sits in the barber chair, and puts the cloth over himself) Now gimme a nice shave, Mr. Lefty...and don't skimp on the blade!

    Lefty: Er...Mrs. Love It, would ya go down ta the kitchen fer a minute? I tink I smell somethin' burnin'!

    Mrs. Love It: Sure thing, Mr. L!

    (Mrs. Love It exits the shop)

    Beadle (bouncing up and down in chair happily) Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I'm gonna get a shave, I'm gonna get a shave!

    (Sweeney Lefty sharpens his razor. The Beadle's eyes grow wide in anticipation)

    Beadle: Ooooooh.......BOY!
  3. MrsPepper

    MrsPepper Active Member

    Gaah, you've posted so much, I don't think I can catch up! But I wanted to say that for the record, I love this; it's really creative and you have a strong sense of character in your writing. Good job :)
  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Aw, thank you so much, Pepper! Much appreciated!:)
  5. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The kitchen. Mrs. Love It unlocks the door and cautiously enters, afraid that Toby might run out. No worry, he's still passed out. Mrs. Love It turns on the mighty oven, and waits for the signal from above.

    As soon as the WHOOSH! of the oven begins, Toby comes to. He holds his head in pain, then sits up, looking at Mrs. Love It.

    Mrs. Love It: Toby, me lad! I was so worried about you!

    Toby gestures to his head and shrugs.

    Mrs. Love It: Oh, that? As soon as the last patron cleared out, ya fainted from exhaustion. Unfortunately on the way down, you took a table with ya, hence the bump on your head. I put you in here to revive ya...er...thought the heat would bring ya back to yer senses!

    Toby stands, and just happens to walk right under the trap door. He stands there, still rubbing his head, oblivious to what is right above him. From above, Sweeney Lefty stomps. Mrs. Love It freezes. Toby assumes the stomping his in his head, and rubs it.

    Mrs. Love It: Toby, don't stand there! Come next to me, where it's warmer--

    Too late. The trap opens, and the Beadle's body falls through the trap, directly onto Toby. Toby is smooshed under the weight of the Beadle.

    Beadle (groggy, but still alive) Wow! That was fantastic! I must try that again, hahahahaha! (The Beadle dies immediately)

    Mrs. Love It rushes to the Beadle, and pulls his body off of Toby, who is crumpled. She helps him to his feet.

    Mrs. Love It: Poor Beadle...he was always so clumsy! He musta slipped an' fell...the floors above us are so weak and brittle...

    Toby eyes Mrs. Love It suspiciously.
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The barbershop.

    Sweeney Lefty brushes off his chair. The beggar woman enters the shop.

    Beggar Woman: Sweeney Lefty, demon barber! I know you!

    Lefty (does double-take) Hey, didn't I kill ya at da beginning of dis play?

    Beggar Woman: It was merely a flesh wound, Sweeney Lefty! I was able to repair meself, using me sewing needles and thread.

    Lefty: What kin I do for ya, ya old hag? I'm a good barber...but not that good!

    Beggar Woman: Oh, Sweeney Lefty, you will pay for your crimes!

    Lefty: Look lady, da only crime I'm guilty of is chargin' too much for a shave and a haircuit...

    Beggar Woman: Two bits! (jazz hands)

    Lefty: What da hey?

    Beggar Woman: Sorry. I'm here ta warn ya, Sweeney Lefty...I know everything about ya! For you see, I am your--

    Sweeney Lefty swings his razor, silencing the Beggar Woman forever.

    Lefty: --latest victim, heh heh heh!

    Sweeney Lefty stomps on the floor, opens the trap, picks up the beggar woman, and tosses her body into the pit.

    Lefty: Nothin' but street trash! I'd better go down an' help da pig, what wit two fresh bodies...

    Sweeney Lefty exits the shop.

    After a few moments, Anthony, in his sailor outfit enters.

    Anthony: Mr. Lefty? Mr. Lefty?

    Johanna enters, disguised as a sailor.

    Anthony: You stay here. I'll go find Mr. Lefty, and ask for some money so we can fly away tonight.

    Johanna: Fly?

    Anthony: Sail!

    Johanna: Oh.

    Anthony: But you shouldn't be seen, as there's a warrant out for you. That crazy little shrimp went bonkers when he found out I took you away. Here...hide in this chest.

    Johanna: Oh, Anthony--

    Anthony: It's for your own protection...now please, Johanna. Trust me. We'll be out of here in no time. Just stay in the chest until I return, okay?

    Johanna: Okay.

    Anthony helps Johanna into the chest. He shuts the lid, and leaves the barbershop.
  7. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    As Anthony steps off the final stair, he notices the Judge standing below. Fortunately, it is night, and the Judge cannot make out Anthony's features. Anthony pulls his cap down over his eyes, and disguises his voice.

    Judge: You, sir!

    Anthony: Er...yes?

    Judge: Have you seen the Beadle?

    Anthony: No, sir.

    Judge: Funny. He said he was coming in for a shave. My whiskers are starting to itch, and although I vowed I would never set foot into this establishment again...I suppose I have no choice. Is the barber in?

    Anthony: No!

    Judge: My lad, you just came from there!

    Anthony: Yes, but he wasn't around.

    Judge: The lights are on.

    Anthony: I know.

    Judge: Perhaps he stepped out for a moment. In any case I desperately need a shave. The director of the asylum notified me that my ward was taken away by a vile, disgusting sailor. Name of Anthony. You wouldn't happen to know him, boy, would you?

    Anthony: No sir, can't say that I have.

    Judge: No matter. I'll find him sooner or later. And when I do, I'll hang him twice! Once for kidnapping, and again for being a silly nincompoop. I cannot stand silly nincompoops. Would you be a kind sir, and help a poor old Judge up the stairs?

    Anthony: Well, uh...

    Judge: You'll be doing me a great service, sir...

    Anthony reluctantly holds his arm out for the Judge to take.

    Judge: No, no, you ninny! On your back!

    Anthony: Huh?

    Judge: I, the all-powerful Judge, must not step on a...ugh...commoner's staircase. I must ride you to the top like a horsey.

    Anthony stands silent for a moment; finally he realizes the Judge won't move unless he can "ride" him. Anthony hoists the Judge onto his back, and begins to mount the stairs, quicker than the Beadle.

    Judge: Giddyap! Giddyap, Seabiscuit!

    The Judge whacks Anthony in the behind with his cane.

    Judge: Hurry up, you old nag, I haven't got all night!

    Once they reach the top, Anthony opens the door. He carries the Judge into the room, and places him in the chair.

    Judge: Thank you, my boy. That'll be all.

    Anthony (a bit loud, for the benefit of Johanna in the trunk) Okay, Judge! No sweat, Judge! It was a pleasure, Judge! I'll go look for Mr. Lefty, Judge!

    Anthony dashes out of the shop.

    Judge: Weirdo.
  8. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    You were just crazy with muse, Leachie!
    "Giddyap, seabiscuit!" HAHAHAH!

    Omg, poor Toby.

    Omg, Lefty mentioned the bathing suit!


    Rest in peace, blue weirdo.
  9. Fragglemuppet

    Fragglemuppet Well-Known Member

    Yes, poor Gonzo. *sniff* I think his death was the hardest, for me anyway. At least he died happy though! I'm glad you remembered and utilized his..um..sense of adventure!
    Oh, and since I didn't mention it before, I liked where you put Statler and Waldorf! I really don't think those two should ever be separated, and them in the shop was reminiscent of MTM.
  10. ReneeLouvier

    ReneeLouvier Active Member

    Oh wow! This is an awesome story! I've not watched Sweeney Todd just yet, but I do plan too...eventually. But for now, I must get ready for work. I can't wait to read more tomorrow!
  11. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Quick hug and good luck on the job to Sara. Haven't seen the movie either meself, but I wanna... Moreso now because of dis great story da kid Tommy's been postin'. About which...
    *On edge of theater seat waiting to read what happens next. And who was that mysterious beggar woman? Tune in... Eh, whenever da kid decides to update. Which'd better be soon if he knows whats good for him.
  12. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member


    Yeah, I too felt I couldn't separate S&W. 'Twould be impossible!

    You know, I was actually sad too, writing Gonzo's demise. But I knew from the start I *had* to give him a somewhat comical exit line...
  13. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thanks, so glad you're enjoying it!

    "Sweeney Todd" is a great film...I looked on Amazon, and the DVD is coming out April 1.

    For some strange reason I had this image of Lefty in my head in Sweeney Todd getup (he's one of my roomies in the dorms), so I thought it might be interesting to write a one or two page spoof...which...sort of...grew, lol!

    But I DO highly recommend the film/musical.
  14. Fragglemuppet

    Fragglemuppet Well-Known Member

    Yes, it was his commical exit line that soffened his death. And I just saw that I messed up his smiley...
    :concern: There we go!
  15. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Down in the kitchen, Sweeney Lefty and Mrs. Love It hear noises in the shop above.

    Mrs. Love It: Sounds like ya have another customer!

    Lefty: Whoa! Tree victims in one night! I'm gonna be rich, rich, rich!

    Sweeney Lefty runs out of the kitchen, into the pieshop, and out the door. He dashes up the stairs to the barbershop, and flings the door open. The look of excitement on his face drops as he sees the Judge. He clutches his chest, and dramatically staggers backward, a la Fred Sanford. He regains his "professionalism," quietly closes the door, locks it, and glides to the Judge.

    Lefty: Da Judge! What said he would never frequent my shop again!

    Judge: Hush! I need a shave. I'm going to find my girl, who has been spirited away. A lynch mob is forming as we speak, and as leader, I must look my best!

    Lefty: Nothing but, Judge...nothing but!

    Sweeney Lefty sharpens his razor. And sharpens it again. And again. And again.

    Lefty: Dis is da sharpest dis razor has ever been!

    Judge: I wouldn't want it any other way. Now begin, if you please, Mr. Lefty. I have a lynch mob to attend to.

    Lefty: Mr. Lefty? Who is dis Mr. Lefty ya speak of?

    Judge: Are you the village idiot, man? You're Mr. Lefty! Sweeney Lefty the barber!

    Lefty: No...look at me, Judge. Look at my face. Do you recognize me?

    Judge: No. But I find it ironic that a barber such as yourself has such a silly hairdo!

    Lefty: Sweeney Lefty is dead, Judge. Allow me ta introduce myself properly...my name is Lefty Barker!

    Judge: Lefty Barker?

    Lefty: Do ya remember me now?

    Judge: B-b-but it cannot be, it simply cannot be!

    Lefty: Oh, but it is, Judgie-Wudgie...it is! Ya destroyed my family! Ya had me trown in da woist prison for something I didn't do! Ya drove my wife ta suicide! And ya took my daughter away from me. Da only ting I had left in dis woild, and you took her!

    Judge: Please...allow me to explain--

    In a shocking, blind rage we haven't seen before, Sweeney Lefty savagely slits the Judge's throat. He repeatedly attacks the Judge, again and again. It's as if Sweeney Lefty is sloppily carving a turkey. His arm rapidly moves back and forth, back and forth, while the Judge sits helplessly in the chair. Finally, the carnage is over. Sweeney Lefty wipes the red stuff out of his eyes, and stares at the Judge, who is a mess. He violently reaches for the lever, and the Judge's body slides into the pit beneath.


    In the kitchen, Mrs. Love It watches the Judge's body fall and hit the ground. She laughs in triumph that Sweeney Lefty has finally got his man. Toby, meanwhile, cringes in horror. He rushes to the door, and tries to open it. The door opens from the other side...Sweeney Lefty is standing there, covered in gore, a terrifying expression on his face, razor still in hand, dripping. Toby MEEPS and runs to a corner, where he huddles.

    Mrs. Love It: Ya've done it, Mr. L! Ya've done it!

    Lefty: Yes. He was my masterpiece.

    Mrs. Love It walks to the Judge's body, and pokes it with her foot.

    Mrs. Love It: Ya ain't so high and mighty now, are ye, Mr. Judge? Look at ya, lyin' there in yer own blood. I guess ye were human after all!

    The Judge suddenly gasps, and grabs Mrs. Love It's foot. She screams, and begins to stomp on him, as if he were a bug.


    The Judge is finally dead. Mrs. Love It brushes her hair back, and daintily steps away.

    Sweeney Lefty moves to the body of the Beggar Woman.

    Lefty: Wonder what brought dis ta my establishment...ah, well. Let's toss her into da oven!

    Mrs. Love It: Mr. L...I...I have somethin' ta tell ya...

    Lefty: Can it wait?

    Mrs. Love It: Not really.

    Lefty: What?

    Mrs. Love It: Well...ya see, Mr. L...that poor beggar woman...that poor, unfortunate...was once known as Lucy Barker.

    Lefty: Lucy Barker?

    Mrs. Love It: Your wife, sir.

    Lefty: W-wife? No....no! My wife is dead! She died rather than marry the Judge!

    Mrs. Love It: Shortly after yer imprisonment, sir, the poor creature did try to take her own life...by then the Judge didn't want anything ta do with her, so he cast her out. She had no money, poor dear, and times bein' what they were, she ended up livin' on the streets. She tried comin' back ta you...she did...twice...and both times you hurt her...this last time you killed her! Nice goin', Ward Cleaver.

    Sweeney Lefty opens the door on the large oven.

    Lefty: Well, what's done is done, right? Gimme a hand wit dese bodies.

    Mrs. Love It: Sure thing, Mr. L!

    Sweeney Lefty shoves Mrs. Love It into the oven. She tumbles in, head first, her feet sticking out, kicking frantically. Sweeney Lefty pushes the rest of her into the oven and slams the door. Mrs. Love It screams, as she goes up in flames.

    Lefty (to Toby) Hey kid, do ya smell bacon? Heh heh! Ooh! The wonderful scent of pork rinds! Music ta my nose! Forget toikey...let's have ham dis Tanksgivin'! She should have enough meat ta last us fer da next tree Tanksgivin's, hahaha! Eh, don't look at me like dat, kid! She had it comin'! She shoulda told me my Lucy was alive!

    Sweeney Lefty crosses to the body of the Beggar Woman, and falls to his knees. He cradles her in his arms.
  16. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    OH WOW!
    This is really awesome...
    (Loves how dark it is)
    (Smiles creepily)

    Cooking da pig.

    This is INCREDIBLE!
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Meanwhile, up in the barbershop, Anthony returns for Johanna...(thought I forgot about 'em, eh?;) )

    Anthony: Johanna, Johanna!

    (Anthony opens the trunk; Joanna sits up)

    Johanna: Oh, hi, Anthony! Back so soon?

    Anthony: Huh?

    Johanna: I fell asleep, and had the most wonderful dream! I dreamt I was queen of all the squirrels, and they did whatever I told them!

    Anthony: Come on, we gotta get outta here before the Judge shows up. There's a lynch mob waiting for you! Where is the Judge? I carried him up here, and put him down, right in that chair!

    Johanna: I don't know. Maybe he got tired of waiting, and went away.

    Anthony: Come on, darling, we must fly...now!

    Johanna: Oh...you can't fool me again! I know we're not really going to fly! That's just a finger of speech!

    Anthony: Er...yes...

    Anthony helps Johanna out of the chest.

    Anthony: We must hurry! The ship leaves in less than fifteen minutes!

    Johanna: Don't you want to say goodbye to Mr. Lefty?

    Anthony: No time. Besides, I have no idea where he is. I'll send a wire from the ship. Now, hurry!

    Anthony and Johanna exit.
  18. BeakerSqueedom

    BeakerSqueedom Active Member

    A finger of speech...

    Queen of the rodents?

  19. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Below, in the kitchen, Sweeney Lefty continues to cradle the body of the Beggar Woman.

    Lefty: Aw, ya silly wench! Why didn't ya tell me youse was my life? Ya knew where I was! I'm sorry fer killin' ya dere...

    Toby slowly moves to Sweeney Lefty, and stands over him.

    Lefty: Hey kid, kin ya give me a few minutes alone wit my wife 'ere? I'm tryin' ta say goodbye...oh, wait...(hands his razor to Toby) Kin ya clean dis off fer me? Dere's a good lad!

    Toby looks at the bloody razor in his hand. He slowly moves behind Sweeney Lefty.

    Lefty: Aw, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy! Ya crazy redhead! If only ya said sometin' ta me oilier, like "hey, it's me Lucy, yer wife," or sometin', I probably wouldn't have killed ya! Now look what happens. I end up makin' several pork pies outta my onetime business partner, on account she kept youse a secret from me, an' I just gave my razor ta dat dumb kid ta clean fer me...(a terrible realization comes to him; he does a frightened double-take)...I just gave dat dumb kid my RAZOR?

    And SLASH!

    From behind, Toby slashes Sweeney Lefty's throat. He looks up, and stares into the eyes of Toby, a stunned expression on his face. Sweeney Lefty slumps forward, falling onto the body of the Beggar Woman.

    Toby looks at the carnage around him: Sweeney Lefty, the Judge, the Beadle and the Beggar Woman. He sorrowfully looks at the oven, where Mrs. Love It is roasting. He looks down at the razor in his hand. Toby throws the razor. It hits the oven, bounces back, and hits Toby in the face.

    Toby (holding his face in pain) Meep!

    Something inside of Toby suddenly snaps. He solemnly walks to Sweeney Lefty's body, and pulls it off of the Beggar Woman. He lays Sweeney Lefty on the floor, as if laying a rug.

    From out of nowhere, a Flamenco is heard. Toby gleefully jumps onto Sweeney Lefty's body, takes a pair of castanets out of his pocket, and begins to dance a wild Flamenco on the corpse of Sweeney Lefty. His dancing is fast, frenzied, and quite insane...



    Sweeney Lefty

    but Beaker will return in

    Sweeney Lefty II: Electric Boogaloo
  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    (in Cowardly Lion voice)

    Aw geez, it was nothin'!

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