Sweetums: Space Hero(?)

minor muppetz

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Enjoy this new fan fic.

Chapter 1
Sweetums was rehearsing for the show.

"Okay, I'm ready!", said Sweetums, "two, three, four..."

Sweetums began dancing as the orchestra played, but he quickly stepped on a rake, which plopped up and hit him in the face.

"Oh! There's my rake!", said Beauregard, "I've been looking for this."

"It sure is long for you", said Janice.

"Uh, Sweetums", said Kermit, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm practicing for the next show", said Sweetums.

"Uh, no", said Kermit, "you know the new union rules. You have to take a vacation this week."

"But I don't want to", said Sweetums, "besides, who'll take my spot in the opening?"

"Doglion has been trained to replace you", said Kermit.

"And I'm doing well!", said Doglion, who took a few steps and then turned towards the audience scenes, mimicking Sweetums from the show opening.

"Well, if you say so...." said a saddened Sweetums.

Sweetums went to his truck and started the truck.

"I feel like singing 'Saying Goodbye'", said Sweetums, who then realized something: "I forgot my drivers license! What if I get pulled over and can't show it to the cops?"

Sweetums quickly got out of the truck, breaking the door open, and ran to get his license... But then the car, which was still running, started driving off on its own. Sweetums noticed and ran after it.

"Hey! Wait for me!", yelled Sweetums, "this time nobody's even driving it!"

Sweetums chased several blocks. Then several police officers were following, with their sirens on.

"Slow down!", said one cop on megaphone.

"If I slow down, I can't get to the car", said Sweetums.

"Not you", said the cop, "the driver!"

The truck then drove into the window of a building. Sweetums ran into the building.

"Hey, has anybody seen a truck?", asked Sweetums.

The other people were running, from the truck and from the falling ceilling. Sweetums then saw the truck drive through another window and ran out after it. The truck then drove down a stairway leading to a basement. Sweetums ran after it.

Sweetums went down the stairs and through some doors. The truck had landed on top of a big catapult.

"Well, it's stopped", said Sweetums, who then ran to get it... But tripped over the catapult lever, causing it to shoot upward, through the building.

Sweetums got into the catapult.

"Okay, somebody shoot me!"

Several people shot guns at Sweetums.

"Not that kind of shooting!", yelled Sweetums.

So they then got out their pictures and gave him a photo shoot.

"No, trigger this catapult!"

They did, and Sweetums flew high and far... And actually farther than the truck. He couldn't reach the truck as he flew past it, but saw it land on a hill going down a mountain.

"Well, I hope I catch up", said Sweetums.

Eventually, Sweetums landed on an empty road in a desert. He got himself up.

"Now I wonder where...."

His truck then drove over him, continuing to drive off as Sweetums laid there on the road, asleep. Sweetums woke up later that night.

"Wow", cried Sweetums, "what a rough vacation."

But then Sweetums was floating off the ground.

"Hey! What's going on?"

Above the earth was a space ship, was was slowly beaming Sweetums up into the space ship. Sweetums went through the bottom door, and the door shut.
 

minor muppetz

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Chapter 2

Sweetums made it into the space ship.

"Where am I?", wondered Sweetums.

A big chair turned around, revealing a disembodied head with big black shoes.

"You are on a spaceship", said the head, "I am the Head of this ship!"

Then more head people showed up.

"We're all heads of this ship!", laughed the other heads.

"Fine! I'm the head of the head people"

"What do you want from me?", asked Sweetums, "I like my head as much as the rest of my body..."

"No, no, no", said the head of the head people, "You don't understand. Our mission is to make people space heroes."

"But why me?", asked Sweetums.

"Well, our space heroes are too boastful of their statuses to get anything done, so we choose the dumbest ones we can find."

A flying number 1 showed up.

"I've saved Mars from three meteors again, because I'm #1, as usual, of course!", said the 1, who flew away.

"Turns out the stupidest ones still become boastful with their powers", said another head.

"So we looked for a lower life form", said the head of the head people.

"But what's so important about needing a space hero?", said Sweetums.

All of the heads laughed like obnoxious immature children.

"Begin the process!", said the head of the head people.

Several heads pounced on Sweetums, beating him down, a big amount of dust smoke covered what had happened.... and when the dust cleared, Sweetums was in an awesome superhero suit.

"Oh wow!", said Sweetums, "This is the best implied awesome suit I've ever worn!"

"Now bring in the device!", said the head of the head people.

A big laser-like device was brought in.

"Now hit the button and give him his powers!", said the head of the head people.

One of the head people jumped on a button... But it caused the part of the floor Sweetums was standing on to open, making him fall.

"Wrong button, you nitwit!", said one of the head people.

One of the heads quickly hit the switch to beam Sweetums back into the space ship.

"I'm sorry", said the head of the head people, "he pressed the wrong button."

"How could I have been falling?", asked Sweetums, "I thought there was no gravity in space."

"Normally there isn't", said the head of the head people, "But this is a special floor. There is gravity through it."

The right button was then pressed, and Sweetums got his powers.

An alarm went off.

"Well, it's time for your first mission", said the head of the head people, who looked at his computer screen, "it looks like missles are headed towards the moon. Here's your chance to save it."

"You can count on me!", said Sweetums.

Several heads jumped on Sweetums.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5....."

"Will you cut that out?", said the head of the head people, "he said I can count on him."
 

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Chapter 3

Sweetums flew out of the space ship and headed for the missiles.

The heads were watching on their computer monitor.

"He's going the wrong way", said one of the heads.

"What do we do?", said another.

"Don't forget", said the head of the heads, "we've got an intercom to his suit."

So Sweetums then head the head of the head people via his suit.

"Sweetums! You're going the wrong way!", said the head of the head people.

"Oops!", said Sweetums, who turned in the right direction.

The missiles were getting closer and closer to the moon. Sweetums flew closer to the missiles, and punched each one, making them evaporate as they were punched.

Back on the ship...

"Good work, Sweetums!", said one of the heads.

"We got information on who it was who tried to destroy the moon", said the head of the head people, "it's a guy named Alex who lives in a rural town on earth."

"Well then I'll stop him!", said Sweetums, who flew away towards the earth.

Sweetums then had a surprising thought: "A guy from a rural town did that? I thought all superheros did their work in the city."

Sweetums crash-landed on earth.

"I wonder where I am", said Sweetums, who turned around, and saw that he landed in front of Mad Man Mooney's car dealership.

"I wonder if I'm even close", said Sweetums.

Sweetums then saw his truck driving towards him.

"I'll stop you before any more damage is done", said Sweetums, who stuck out his hands, caught the truck, lifted it over his head, and ran around in many circles before throwing it up in the sky.

The Head of the head people then contacted Sweetums.

"You're not in the rural town. It's seventy miles to your left."

"Oh, thanks", said Sweetums, who then flew right.

"I said LEFT", said the head.

Sweetums turned the other way.
 

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Chapter 4

Sweetums made it to the rural town.

"Now for me to find out who did it", said Sweetums.

He came across an old lady.

"Excuse me, is your name Alex?"

"Up yours!", said the old lady.

The head of the head people then contacted Sweetums.

"We learned the guys address. He lives on 314 Nelson Street."

"Okay", said Sweetums, who headed off to find the street.... Oblivious to the "Nelson Street" sign that he had passed.

Sweetums came across a man.

"Hey, can you tell me how to get to Nelson Street?"

"Get a GPS, you cheapskate!"

Sweetums came across another man.

"Hey, can you tell me how to get to Nelson Street?"

"Are you sure you don't want to go to Sesame Street instead?"

Sweetums then came across a young man.

"Hey, I need directions", said Sweetums, "can you tell me how to get to 314 Nelson Street?"

"Not only can I tell you how to get there, but I live there", said the man, "my name's Alex."

"A-ha!", said Sweetums, who grabbed Alex by the neck, "I caught you!"

Sweetums then flew Alex to the space ship.

"Hey, everyone, I caught..."

"You're fired", said the head of the head people.

"But why?", said Sweetums, who then noticed his truck had crashed through the side of the ship.

"When you threw your truck up in the air, you threw it in the direction of our ship. We don't care if you captured the bad guy...."

"Wait, I'm not the bad guy", said Alex.

"You blasted missiles towards the moon", said the head of the head people.

"The missiles wouldn't have destroyed the moon", said Alex, "they were filled with food I didn't want to eat. I do that every time my parents make me a terrible meal."

"I thought they evaporated into dust when I destroyed them", said Sweetums.

"That's because it was dust", said Alex, "for some reason my parents think dust is good for you."

The bottom of the floor opened and Alex fell towards the earth. Then the floor closed.

"Sweetums, we have to strip you of your powers", said the head of the head people. A beam was shot at Sweetums.

"This destroys your powers. Now let's remove your costume."

The head people jumped at Sweetums and took his superhero suit apart.

"And now the amnesia beam!"

Sweetums was beamed again.

"You will lose all memory of this adventure in a few minutes. Now let's send you back to earth."

The bottom of the floor opened and Sweetums fell towards the earth, screaming as he was falling.

The head of the head people turned to the head who opened the floor door.

"I didn't say to drop him to earth", said the head of the head people, "we could have safely landed him."

"By the way", said the head who opened the door, "why didn't we give Alex the amnesia stuff?"

"Because he wasn't a space hero".

Sweetums fell and hit the ground, causing a lot of the ground to crack. Sweetums got up from where he was, all woozy. He accidentally bumped into a man who was carrying a box of dynamite sticks. This caused Sweetums and the dynamite to fall into a nearby sewer. The dynamite exploded, causing Sweetums to fly up into the air.

"Why me?", said Sweetums.

Sweetums then fell onto the ground again. He got up, dizzy, and wobbled as he walked, eventually settling to sit on a fire hydrant... But him sitting on the hydrant caused water to shoot it upwards. Sweetums fell back on the street, in front of a car that almost hit him. The car honked, making Sweetums get up and run to the sidewalk.

"This is a really bad day!", said Sweetums.

The fire hydrant then fell on his head, knocking him out.

Sweetums closed his eyes and waved his hand, "Nighty-night!", and fell backwards, breaking the wall of a building, which then collapsed.
 

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Chapter 5

Sweetums was walking around town, wondering who he was. He came across a number of strangers.

"Hey, do you know who I am?", asked Sweetums.

"Not only do I not know who you are, I also don't CARE about who you are."

Sweetums went to the next person.

"Hey, do you know who I am?", asked Sweetums.

"Let me guess", said the man, "you're trying out for an American Express commercial because you've created something famous while your appearance is not famous."

"I don't know", said Sweetums.

Green slime suddenly poured on Sweetums from out of nowhere.

"Looks like I need a bath", said Sweetums.

Then Sweetums thought of something.

"Maybe I have a drivers license or I.D. or American Express card or something with my name on it."

Sweetums checked his pockets but could not find any identification.

"Maybe my name is written on my underwear", said Sweetums, as he pulled his underwear out of his pants, but had trouble reading it.

"Oh, that's right. I can't remember who I am, I probably can't remember how to read, either."

Sweetums tossed his underwear backwards, hitting a woman in the face.

"Hey, watch where you throw your junk, Mr.....", she looked at the name written on the underwear, which read "Calvin Klien", "Mr. Klien!"

But Sweetums had left the area by the time she read the name.

Soon Sweetums was clean.

"Well, I'm clean, but I still don't know who I am."

Kermit then showed up.

"Sweetums, what are you doing here?"

"Wait, do you know me?", said Sweetums.

"Of course I do", said Kermit.

"I don't know me", said Sweetums.

"Well, you're name is Sweetums and you are supposed to be on vacation", said Kermit.

"So you must be Mickey Mouse!", said Sweetums.

Kermit scrunched his face.

"No, I'm Kermit the Frog".

"Who?"

"Looks like I have to show you your life, Sweetums", said Kermit, "by the way, you're name is Sweetums."

"Mystery solved!", said Sweetums.

Then all of a sudden Sweetums' truck fell from the sky, crash-landing just a few feet in front of him.

"That was scary", said Kermit.

"No, that's a truck", said Sweetums.

"In fact that's your truck", said Kermit, "do you remember how it got in the sky?"

"No", said Sweetums.

"Oh, there's a note", said Kermit, picking it up, "Sweetums, we know you don't remember us, but we've decided to return your truck."
 

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Chapter 6

Kermit took Sweetums to the Muppet Theater. They were watching the show opening.

"See what you're doing there,Sweetums?", asked Kermit, "that's what you do in the opening."

"Oh, I can do that!", said Sweetums.

Sweetums ran to the archs on stage and tried... But he got his steps wrong. First he did it in the wrong direction, then walked past the full set of arches, then walked around each arch.

"No, Sweetums", said Kermit, "you just walk a few steps and turn."

"Oh", said Sweetums, who walked a few steps, but walked half a step too far and walked into the arch pole, causing the arches to collapse.

"Beauregard! Fix the arches!", yelled Kermit.

Sweetums walked towards Kermit.

"I don't know if I can rememb..."

Sweetums then fell through the stage floor.

"WHY do I keep falling?", asked Sweetums.

Sweetums got up.

"Oh, Sweetums", said Scooter, "you left your drivers license in your dressing room."

"I have a dressing room?", said Sweetums, "does this theater also have a restroom?"

Bunsen and Beaker then entered the stage.

"Never fear!", said Bunsen, "We've got special pills that can help restore ones memory!"

"Mee mee mee!", said Beaker.

"Well, just give me some", said Bunsen.

"We can't do that", said Bunsen, "not until Beaker tests one out."

"Mee mee mee", said Beaker, shaking his head.

"I don't care about testing", said Sweetums, who grabbed the bottle from Bunsen's hands and ate the bottle as well as all the pills.

"I think you're only supposed to take ONE", said Bunsen, panicking.

Sweetums then fell backwards. As he fell, his life flashed before his eyes.... Sweetums saw visions of many memories, including him chasing the Muppets car to Hollywood, falling down the sewer in The Great Muppet Caper, giving Vincent Price a hand, taking Rita Moreno, chasing Cloris Leachman, chasing women out of a tent, hitting some bad guys from Muppet Treasure Island, and being sung to sleep in The Frog Prince.

Sweetums then woke up.

"I remember! I remember!", shouted Sweetums.

"That's good", said Kermit.

"A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter!"

"What?", said Kermit.

"Oh, and I also remember", said Sweetums, "I was a space hero!"

"Well, Bunsen", said Kermit, "I think your pills are giving him memories that didn't happen."
 

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Chapter 7

"But I swear, Kermit, it did happen!", said Sweetums.

"I'm convinced you have your memory back", said Kermit, "but I doubt you were actually a space hero. Maybe you're remembering a dream or something."

"Besides, you can't be a space hero", said Link Hogthrob, "I am a space hero!"

"Yeah, and you're just as boastful", said Sweetums.

Then they all felt the theater shaking.

"W-what's going on?", asked Kermit.

"This is a great time for me to practice my act", said Gonzo, "Now did I put the feather, the candle, and the fat straw?"

"Let's all run out of the theater!", said Kermit.

"Uh, boss", said Scooter, "I don't think that's a wise idea."

"Why not?", asked Kermit.

"I already tried", said Scooter, "I'll show you the problem."

They went to the door, and saw that the theater was several feet from the ground and still floating.

"What's going on?", asked Kermit.

"It must be the aliens", said Sweetums.

Indeed, it was. The theater floated up to the space ship, and then got stuck in the bottom door.

"What do we do?", asked Kermit.

"We rock and roll!", said Floyd, as he, Janice, and Zoot got their instruments ready for a jam session.

Sweetums started to float from the ground.

"Well, here I go again", said Sweetums.

Sweetums went through the ceilling, breaking a hole in it.

Soon, he was back in the space ship.

"Well, well, well, Sweetums", said the head of the head people, "we saw to it that you forgot the experience... and you remember."

"Did you have to make me forget everything?", asked Sweetums.

"Our amnesia ray only has the power to make victims forget about the space hero experience. You only forgot everything else because you fell so many times and got hit by so many things."

Suddenly, Kermit climbed through the bottom opening of the ship.

"What's going on?", asked Kermit.

"How did you climb up here?", asked the head of the head people, "we've so high you could only get up by being beamed."

"Well, Beauregard's rake is long enough", said Kermit.

Beauregard then climbed up.

"Just call it Chekhov's rake!", said Beauregard.

"Well, you will all be doomed for what you know", said the head of the head people.

"Can't you just make us forget this", asked Sweetums.

"The amnesia fuel is out", said the head of the head people.

"The fuel to our spaceship is out as well", said another head.

"What?", asked the head of the head people.

"We'll need to give somebody super powers so they can fly and bring our ship to a fuel station", said the other head.

Bunsen and Beaker made it up to the ship.

"How, a spaceship!", said Bunsen.

"Mee mee meep", said Beaker.

"I know you two", said the head of the head people, "if you hadn't invented those memory pills, Sweetums wouldn't have remembered his experience as a space hero."

"We didn't even know he was a space hero", said Bunsen, "Did we, Beaker?"

Beaker shook his head.

"We can combine our technology, work together, and come up with the most brilliant inventions ever", said Bunsen.

"Actually every brilliant invention work inventing has been invented in our world", said the head of the head people.

An alarm went off.

"What's going on?", asked the head of the head people.

"There's a meteor coming our way", said a head who was sitting in front of the computer monitors.

"And our fuel is out", said the head of the head people, "I'll need to make one of you a space hero fast!"

"Can't you just make me a hero again?", asked Sweetums.

"Okay", said the head of the head people, reluctantly.
 

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Chapter 8

Sweetums was powered-up and in costume, headed towards the meteor.

"I sure hope he's powerful enough", said Robin.

"He is", said the head of the head people, "I just hope he doesn't miss."

"According to our computer screen", said another head, "he is going in the right direction for once."

"Maybe I should have been the space hero on this mission", said Link.

"You've had your chance", said the head of the head people.

"What?", said Link, dumbfounded.

"Uh, uh, nothing, nothing...."

"If the band had a spaceship", said Floyd, "we could go on the ultimate world tour. It would only take seconds to travel to each destination. What do you say, Lips?"

"Nothing", said Lips.

"Of course you said nothing", said Floyd.

Sweetums was headed closer to the meteor.

"Oh, I can't look", said Sweetums, getting scared.

Sweetums covered his eyes, and crashed into the meteor, which exploded on impact. Sweetums was on fire.

"Is it still heading towards me?", asked Sweetums, who uncovered his eyes and saw that he was on fire.

"How come I don't feel this?", asked Sweetums.

"Because you've got super powers", said the head of the head people via the super suit, "now spin around and take this space ship to a fuel station. I'll give you directions."

Sweetums spun around, putting out the fire. He flew back and used his strength to push the spaceship to a station.

"You know", said Kermit, "you could have just had Sweetums do this in the first place and we wouldn't have had to worry about the meteor."
 

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Chapter 9

Sweetums brought the spaceship to the fuel station, and carefully landed it to the ground (though he caused a bit of damage to the bottom of the theater underneath).

"That's not good", said Sweetums.

The spaceship's side door opened, and various Muppets and head people came out.

"What a ride!", said Lew Zealand.

"This is, like, so surreal!", said Janice.

"I wonder what's at the snack bar", said Rizzo.

One of the head people had the fuel nozzle in his mouth and was ready to put it in the gas tank.... But with an entire theater attached to the bottom of the space ship, he couldn't reach the fuel tank.

"We have a problem", said the head, "this nozzle won't reach."

"I can help", said Sweetums, who took the nozzle, "I'm a hero, so this shouldn't damage me!"

"Actually...", said the head, whose attempted warning went ignored by Sweetums, who drank fuel from the nozzle.

"I'm gonna spit this into the fuel tank", said Sweetums.

"You can use my fat straw", said Gonzo.

Sweetums took the fat straw, went to the tank, put the straw into his mouth, and spit the fuel through the straw and into the gas tank.

"I wonder if he knew how much was enough", said the head of the head people.

"I wonder if you knew this could be avoided", said Kermit.

"How?", asked the head of the head people.

"Well, if you brought the theater back to earth first, and then Sweetums brought the ship here, you could have reached the fuel tank", said Kermit.

Sweetums jumped down, having finished filling up.

"Well, I got enough fuel in there."

"You shouldn't have done that", said the head of the head people.

"But why?", asked Sweetums.

"The fuel we use in our ships is kryptonite to the space hero powers we provide."

"So I'm gonna lose my space hero powers again?", asked Sweetums.

"Actually, it'll be a lot worse", said the head, "your body will deflate and you will die."

"But... But I spit out all the fuel I drank."

"It was already in your system, and likely caused damage during the time it was in you."

"I don't believe you", said Sweetums, whose legs started deflating, "Oh no, it's true!"

"Come on, Sweetums", said Kermit, "we'll take care of you until you go."

Beauregard lifted Sweetums and put him in a bucket, which he proceeded to carry.

"I'm deflating faster and faster", said Sweetums.

"Maybe the Vets Hospital gang can help you", said Sweetums.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO....", yelled Sweetums.
 

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Chapter 10

Beauregard carried Sweetums to the hole in the ceiling to let him into the theater.

"I don't like having to spend the rest of my life like this", said Sweetums.

"Well, look on the right side", said Beauregard, "if I had a stick I could use you as a mop."

Beauregard then tripped and dumped Sweetums out of the bucket, causing him to fall into the theater.

"Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up!"

"Are you okay?", said Scooter.

"Yeah", said Sweetums, "my bones are too numb to be broken."

"Well, let's slide down the rake and get back into the theater", said Kermit.

They all went down, one by one.

"Okay, is everybody down here?", asked Kermit.

Everyone murmured in agreement.

"Okay", said the head of the head people, "I will land you all back to earth".

The head of the head people hit a button, dropping the theater from underneath the ship. Unfortunately, the theater crash-landed and broke apart as a result.

"I thought they'd land us safely", said a woozy Kermit.

Later, in a laboratory....

"Okay, Sweetums", said Bunsen, "Beaker and I have invented a special bicycle pump which can bring your body back in its old shape."

"Will it stop me from dying?", asked Sweetums.

"No", said Bunsen, "But at least you won't have to be flat for the rest of your life. Now bite into this end."

Sweetums bit onto the end of the bicycle pump.

"Okay, Beaker, turn it on!"

"Mee mee!", said Beaker, saluting Bunsen.

Beaker turned it on, and Sweetums started inflating.

"It's working!", said Bunsen, "Good job, Beaker. Take a break."

"Mee moy!", said Beaker, walking away.

"I'll keep a close watch on you to make sure you don't get inflated too much", said Bunsen.

But then Bunsen's cell phone rang.

"Oh, who could be calling me at this time?"

Bunsen turned around and answered his phone.

"Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew."

Sweetums was then in normal shape, but Bunsen's back was turned, too occupied with the call to see what was going on.

"Oh, new insurance premiums? They're HOW much cheaper?"

Sweetums started getting fatter and fatter, like a balloon.

"Oh, really? Well, there's me and my assistant, Beaker. Oh, I'd say we invent a total of 51 inventions per year. What do you mean how many are successful?"

Sweetums was then floating off the ground and starting to get as big as a parade float.

"Well, Beaker has had less accidents this year than usual. I'd say accidents have gone down 2%".

Sweetums then sneezed, causing his float-sized, weightless body to blast around all over the lab, going out the door and blasting in circles around the earth. His body then flew away from his earth, his mouth stretched out wide open.

The head peoples' space ship was floating in space.

"Well, this story may have had a downer ending", said the head of the head people, "But we can all be happy that....."

An alarm then went off.

"What's wrong?", said the head of the head people.

"According to the computer", said another head, "a large object is coming our way."

Sweetums flew to the ship, which went into his very wide-opened mouth, the body's speed causing the ship to fly with it.

Sweetums was then headed towards the sun.

"Well, here it goes", groaned a sad Sweetums.

But before he could hit the sun, Sweetums exploded.

And then Sweetums woke up, in the desert at nighttime, sitting up and screaming as soon as he woke. He then stopped screaming as he noticed where he was.

"I must have been asleep for as real long time", said Sweetums, "I should walk back home."

Sweetums was walking down the long desert road.

"I can't believe the dream I had. I can't believe that I could actually get amnesia in a dream. And I should have woke up sooner, since I kept falling and getting hurt."

Sweetums then saw his truck ahead of him, going in his direction.

"Oh no! My car is still on the run!"

Sweetums turned around and ran from the truck.

As he was running Sweetums turned his head to see the truck come closer. Then he turned his head back again, the truck was closer. He turned his head to see where he was running, then turned his head back again... And suddenly it was gone.

Sweetums looked in confusion, as during the time he had been running there had been no roads to turn on. He turned his head both ways, and didn't see the truck on the sandy grounds of the desert. He then looked up, and saw the truck floating up towards a space ship.

"You can keep the truck!", shouted Sweetums.

The End
 
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