(Backstage) (SCOOTER pokes his head through a door.) SCOOTER: theprawncracker! theprawncracker! Fifteen seconds to curtain, theprawncracker! (THEPRAWNCRACKER aka PRAWNIE straightens his Kermit ball-cap and his green bow tie.) PRAWNIE: Great, Scooter! I'm all set! SCOOTER: Ya sure about that? PRAWNIE: Of course! It's not like I haven't hosted one of these things before! SCOOTER: Okay, if you say so! (jumps back) PRAWNIE: What are you-- (a piano falls on top of PRAWNIE) (PRAWNIE pokes his head out) (spits out piano keys) And on that note... (Theater) (The crowds shuffling in to the dark theater take their seats. Chattering stops as the spotlights illuminate the crimson stage curtains.) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, frogs, bears, chickens, pigs, monsters, birds, Ernies, Berts, rats, grouches, livestock, penguins, whatevers… Mister Ryan “Prawnie” theprawncracker! (Applause) (The curtains pull open and PRAWNIE takes center stage.) PRAWNIE: Thank you! Thank you! Please, please! Thank you! Please! …See? Sesame Street DID teach me something! (Laughter and applause) (Applause finally dies down) PRAWNIE: Phew, I thought you’d never quit. …Who am I kidding? I hoped you would never quit! Any who… welcome once again to The Muppet Central Awards! This is our fifth year in the business of award shows, so we’ve pretty much got things down to a science around here—and not the Bunsen and Beaker kind of science. Although our interns do pick up a lot of injuries backstage… but don’t tell our lawyers. What a great crowd we’ve got here tonight, am I right? We’ve got everyone here from Eduardo “The Count” in Puerto Rico, to Beauregard in some undisclosed location we should probably be glad we’re not aware of! Oh—I see Statler and Waldorf are in the audience. Can we get a spotlight on Statler and Waldorf please, Jimmy? (Spotlight shines into the balcony finding STATLER and WALDORF) STATLER: Oh sure, make us part of the opening monologue. WALDORF: He must know it’s the only part we’ll be awake for! (Both laugh) PRAWNIE: Very funny, guys. Say… I didn’t see you two walking in with any ladies tonight. Finally realize the only thing you’re old enough for nowadays is carbon dating? STATLER: Oh, clever, clever! WALDORF: We didn’t see you walk in with a date either! PRAWNIE: …Touché. I guess that’s why they call you two the best hecklers in the business… STATLER: Heh, you’d better believe it! WALDORF: I’d say we deserve an award! PRAWNIE: I’d disagree—and I know a bear that’d support that disagreement. Anyway, folks! We’ve got a great show planned out for you—so stick around! (Who are we kidding? Thanks to the Muppet Labs Super Adhesive we’re all sticking around!) Please welcome, to present our first award, the furry, funny, and, of course, fabulous, Mister Fozzie Bear! (Applause as FOZZIE BEAR fumbles onto the stage in a tuxedo) FOZZIE: Ahh! Wocka! Wocka! Wocka! Hiya folks! It’s a pleasure to be here! STATLER: Wish we could say the same! (STATLER and WALDORF laugh) FOZZIE: Guys, c’mon! I’m trying to present the “Make Us Laugh” award for funniest member! STATLER: Disturbing. WALDORF: At least we can take solace in the fact that the bear won’t be winning it! (Both laugh) FOZZIE: Oh—Ha ha. Very funny, you guys! Anyway, folks! This is one of the most competitive awards in the whole ceremony! Why? Well, you can’t vote for me, and finding someone funnier is just plain hard! Wocka! Wocka! STATLER: Did he say hard? WALDORF: Yeah, like his head! (Both laugh) FOZZIE: (heavy sigh) (pulls on bow tie nervously) This just isn’t my night! STATLER: This just isn’t your millennium! FOZZIE: (groans) Here are the top contenders for Funniest Member… Beauregard BeakerSqueedom theprawncracker Winslow Leach WhiteRabbit (fumbles to pull envelope from coat pocket) And the MC Award goes to… theprawncracker! Hey… isn’t he the host? I guess it’s true what they say! He’s the host with the most—awards that is! Ahh! Congratulations, Ryan! (Long cane reaches out and pulls Fozzie offstage) (Applause) ANNOUNCER: This is theprawncracker’s first award of the evening. He’s a contender in many other awards and is currently not a wildebeest.