The Great Desire

AUGH!! This is KILLING me!! It's so painful to read! Camilla...Janice...Issabella...Gonzo...Oh like ow, I can't even...Wow. It's just so heartwrenchingly great. More please...

Hey guys, I am so sorry. I have worked 60 hours for the past couple of weeks and have been completly exhausted. On top of that there have been a few family issues. I haven't even checked in until my friend who lurks said that you all were looking for me.

Give me just a little be longer I've just got a few more shifts to work and then I am taking a mini-vacation while staying here at home. Believe me, I'm ready to find out what happens in this story too, .

I've got to go to bed for now, this week has ended up being closer to 65 hours at work and then you have to factor in commute time.

I will be back asap, signing off again for now.

Thanks for caring.

Melissa (Java)

((HUGS)) Melissa. It's all good, I know how it can be when your personal life gets in the way sometimes. I'll be happy to read an update when you're able, but for now, take care of you!

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

“No one really knows what happened?” Camilla’s clucks reached a shrillness that they didn’t know was possible. Janice looked between the two and thought about heading out the door so they could fight in peace.

As she started to back out towards the door Camilla turned to her and finally poured out all of the emotions that she had kept bottled up inside.

“He made me make every decision alone. Every time I asked him if we were doing the right thing for our daughter he shrugged. When things were worse he would disappear for hours at a time with Floyd more concerned about the theater and how his stunts were going than about us.”

Camilla started to pace back and forth as she continued to share her blinded view of Gonzo’s actions. “Gonzo was sure to remind me that so much more could happen to hurt Isabella. He didn’t want to talk to me anymore, he didn’t want to be with me anymore and he didn’t want to be bothered with decisions”

Gonzo couldn’t believe that Camilla saw his actions in that way. “What was I supposed to do?” Gonzo had to yell to grab Camilla’s attention again. “You all made sure that I knew a father couldn’t provide the things that a mother could. I couldn’t hold Isabella because I couldn’t keep her warm enough. The doctors made sure that I knew my research was skewed and that it wasn’t reliable. I knew nothing and the only thing I could do was make sure there was still a home to go to.”

“But you know the worst thing he did to me, Janice?” Camilla moved to block the door to keep Janice from leaving her alone with “that weirdo.”

“Oh, please enlighten us,” Gonzo said, although he was sure he knew what was coming next, “what was the worst infraction I placed on you two?”

* * * * * * * * *

Two weeks after the accident - 28 6/7 weeks

Camilla sat still in the chair listening to the dings, beeps, bells, and rings going off around her. Every now and then she looked up at the monitor to make sure it was not Isabella and then looked back at her beautiful girl nestled on her chest.

Kangaroo care was what the nurses called it and there was no other feeling in the world like it. This was the nourishing touch that would heal her daughter. This was their time together and her body provided Isabella with all the warmth she needed to get through their three hour session. Sure Gonzo could hold her but only his body wouldn’t naturally heat and cool to keep their daughter at the appropriate temperature.

Gonzo walked back to her in the unit and peered down at their daughter. “How is she doing?” He whispered the question and then looked away.

Camilla frowned disappointed that he still wouldn’t call Isabella by name. She had to pick it out on her own. Every time she had asked Gonzo for his opinion he would shrug, shaking his head disbelieving that they had to do this now.

Gonzo looked back at Camilla waiting for her answer. She had that look of disgust on her face again. Disgust for him because he felt hopeless and had nothing to offer either of them in means of comfort or support. Disgust because he didn’t want to name their daughter to have her yanked away from them. He had done research and read the horror stories of how much could go wrong. Twenty-six weeks was too early and while these past two weeks had been great there were still many more to go.

Every night he went home from the hospital afraid they were living on borrowed time with their daughter. He had watched other parents celebrate as their children were taken off of the ventilator one day into their life and still thrive. Isabella had to be put back on multiple times already. Other parents had no problems with their children accepting their feedings. Isabella’s belly would grow bigger and she would look horribly uncomfortable. X-rays would show air in her intestines and they were starting all over again. Fourteen days was a long time to ride a roller coaster of emotions.

Camilla sighed hard that Gonzo hadn’t paid attention to the reply and Isabella grimaced in reaction. Gonzo muttered something about going to check on Floyd and walked out again. He never would stay for long when she was holding Isabella.

As they walked home after dark Gonzo tried to engage Camilla in conversation. They really hadn’t talked much about anything since the accident and Gonzo felt the air between them changing. He wanted to show her that he was just as concerned as she was, he just didn’t know how. Camilla could only think about what was going on with their daughter and had forgotten about the theater and the struggles of their friends who were worried about them.

The weeks passed slowly and he watched Janice slowly regain consciousness and start on the road to recovery and Isabella grow to one and a half times the size of her birth weight. She still struggled with feedings and breathing changing back and for the between the various machines that they had to help her. Camilla became more and more motherly everyday, especially over-protective, forgetting to take care of herself in the worry.

When Isabella was listed as being thirty weeks old Gonzo decided that Camilla needed a break for one night. Instead of escorting her home in the dark to collapse on the couch and eat frozen dinners he took her back to the restaurant they had been in the first time he told her he loved her.

Dinner was pleasant as they found mutual ground to talk about again and they started to remember how to be a couple again. “I love you my little chickadee,” Gonzo whispered once again over the candlelight.

Camilla smiled gently, feeling more comfortable now that her loving husband was back with her. All would be right again. Isabella had been eating again for five days in a row - the longest time yet. She also still remained on a nasal cannula to help her with oxygen but all the respirations where her own. Gonzo had learned to be comfortable around their daughter and was participating in decisions. He had even picked the middle name for her – Susan.

Feeling better they headed to the movies and then to walk around the pond in the park. They giggled like little kids when they where reprimanded by the cop for acting like gushing teen-agers on a park bench and were more than a little loud as they hurried into their home to finish what they had started.

As they snuggled together Gonzo lazily hit the answering machine button to play their messages. Camilla was lulled into semi-consciousness as Scooter reviewed rehearsal notes for Gonzo, an errant salesman tried to push magazine subscriptions, and the night shift nurse at the hospital reported that there had been a change in Isabella’s condition and they were needed at the there as soon as they got the message.

Synchronized together in slow motion they realized what the last message had said and then shot back out of the house.

AUGH!!!! This is KILLING Gonzo!! And poor Camilla! OH!! Java this is so lovely!!! It's just so painful too!! MORE PLEASE!!

Oh an update! And oh...how heartwrenching! It's so sad, but it's so beautifully written! Even though I know what's coming, I can't wait to read more, I'm just on the edge of my seat.

BTW, your medical knowledge has done you quite well in this story!

Okay guys, this next chapter is rough. Very rough. Grab teddys and tissues and everything else that comforts you. Get through this and I'll have words to make it better soon. See you again on the other side...

Chapter 11

Sigh. Turn head to left and look at clock to see that it is only eleven fifty-eight pm. Sigh. Lift leg and toss self over onto stomach. Fluff pillow. Close eyes and fight gnawing feeling in pit of stomach that you were wrong. Sigh. Turn head to right to see that it is only one minute later. Repeat process.
Across town from each other Camilla and Gonzo rose out of bed simultaneously and padded to the kitchen. It was no use as there would be no sleep tonight.

I was wrong, was the only thought that could echo through Camilla’s head. How did I let her become so isolated was all that Gonzo could ask himself. As if in a perfectly choreographed movie they went through the motions together so far apart that had grown into the habit of learning to live alone.

After the hot drinks were laid forgotten half empty on the end tables and the muted tvs couldn’t hold their distraction any longer each dressed and headed out into the night air for a midnight walk around the pond. Camilla and Gonzo were lost in the memories of the fateful night that drove the last nail into the coffin of their relationship as they collided into each other and fell to the ground.

A torn smile played at Camilla’s beak as she stared in Gonzo’s eyes. Slowly Gonzo pulled himself to standing and reached out to take Camilla’s wing. With an almost inaudible cluck she accepted and left her wing in his hand as the continued slowly along the path.

Kermit paused with Janice and Floyd on the other side of the park as he watched the couple allowing themselves to deal with their emotions for the very first time.

“Cool man,” Floyd said in relief, “this afternoon wasn’t in vein.”

“Like, I still don’t know what happened to Isabella. They never said,” Janice sighed her dismay at having missed so much.

“As I remember it…” Kermit began hoping to clear things up once and for all.

* * * * * * * * * *

Thirty weeks – ten forty-five pm that night

Kermit and Scooter caught up with Gonzo and Camilla just before they got to the doors of the unit. The doctors met them at the doors and Scooter secretly praised Kermit for making him take shorthand as he scribbled notes down about what was happening.

Camilla trotted helplessly beside the bed as they wheeled Isabella’s from the unit down to emergency surgery. Gonzo, Kermit and Scooter settled in the familiar surgical waiting room again as Camilla paced back and forth. After an hour they were once again joined in the waiting room by Miss Piggy, Rowlf, Wanda, Fozzie, and Sarah. Gonzo separated himself from the group as he tried to get Camilla to sit.

The conversation was hushed as Rowlf started asking for the details. “What happened?”

Scooter consulted his notes carefully as he repeated what the doctors had told them. “Isabella’s belly ballooned up again. She looked really bad from what they described. Not like she had before, this time she was a little grayish looking. When they took the x-ray they saw air in the belly, not just in the intestines.” Scooter paused with a ragged sigh and then continued, “that means her intestine split in what’s called a perforation. She’s in surgery now to see what they can do.”

“Isabella’s going to be okay though?” Miss Piggy whispered.

Kermit gently put his arms around her a pulled her close as he answered, “The doctors are doing all they can. We won’t know until they tell us.”

Slowly Miss Piggy mouthed her question again, “She’s going to be okay, isn’t she?”

Fozzie glanced around the room at his friends wishing this were a different world. His gut felt raw as it only had once before on another day he would never forget. In nineteen ninety it had taken a long time for Kermit and Rowlf to recover from the loss. Fozzie hoped it wouldn’t be the same for Camilla and Gonzo. He couldn’t control the words “Jim’s watching her now,” from escaping as the doctors walked in solemnly.

Time only proceeded in frozen moments as Gonzo caught Camilla from crashing to the floor and carefully wiped the tears off of his nose. Kermit stepped in and ushered the couple up the neonatal ICU as Scooter made the call for Hilda to prepare the boarding house to receive everyone that would start pouring into town.

Rowlf caught up with Floyd leaving Janice’s room and choked out only short sentences. “Surgery wasn’t going to help her. The disease of her small intestine had spread too much. They closed Isabella’s belly and are letting Camilla and Gonzo hold her as they… as they spend her last moments together.”

Kermit stood by to usher the couple back to the boarding house and into the arms of those who loved them. Camilla clutched desperately at the blanket that had wrapped Isabella as Gonzo reached for Camilla and was denied.

The funeral was kept private from the media. Simple tributes were offered by all of the groups that came. Gonzo and Camilla sat with their heads bowed quietly, hands and wings by their sides and two inches that were miles between them. Rowlf sang quietly:

Do you remember days not so very long ago
When the world was run by people twice your size?
And the days were full of laughter
And the nights were full of stars
And when you grew tired you could close your eyes

Yes the stars were there for wishing
And the wind was there for kites
And the morning sun was there for rise and shine
And even if the sniffles kept you
Home from school in bed
You couldn't hardly stay there after nine

And I wonder if the smell of morning's faded
What happened to the robin's song
That sparkled in the sky?
Where's all the water gone
That tumbled down a stream?
Will I ever catch another butterfly?

Do you remember campouts right in your own backyard?
Wondering how airplanes could fly
And the hours spent just playin'
With a funny rock you found
With crystal specks as blue as all the sky

And I wonder if the smell of morning's faded
What happened to the robin's song
That sparkled in the sky?
Where's all the water gone
That tumbled down a stream?
Will I ever catch another butterfly?

Now I watch my son, he's playin' with his toys
He's happy, I give him all I can
But I can't help feelin'
Just a little tingly inside
When I hear him say he wants to be a man

And I wonder if the smell of morning's faded
What happened to the robin's song
That sparkled in the sky?
Where's all the water gone
That tumbled down a stream?
Will I ever catch another butterfly?
Will I ever catch another butterfly?

Each Muppet remembered the hope that a new dawn could bring as the days went by and most started to return to life with one more loss. Gonzo and Camilla stayed frozen in time of the moments just before the funeral, holding Isabella in their arms as fate took over.

[FONT=&quot]Time slipped by, Camilla stayed frozen and Gonzo moved in stunted spurts forward. Camilla asked for a divorce unable to bear the thoughts that haunted her another day.[/FONT]

*lets out slow breath* Well, I'm certainly glad you gave a warning before the beginning of this chapter. I have to agree with Ed though, it was sad but beautiful. You treated it just so gracefully. The song was beautiful and appropriate and it was so typical but also right that all of Gonzo and Camilla's closest friends were at the hospital with them.

The beginning of the chapter gives so much hope! I hope it's a sign that Gonzo and Camilla are on their way back to finding each other.

This is such a lovely story, I can't wait to read more.

*needs to go find tissues now*

...wow....oh my....it's so sad and yet beautiful. It kinda hits a bit home to me, as I was born early, and I know the terrors that surround little premies like that.

Not to break the flow of comments, but I feel a little smarter because I recoginized the medical terms. I hated my nasal cannulas. Had three of them infact. One down to my stomach, the other two in the front edge that gave me extra oxygen for breathing. XD Always tried to pull them out.

Chapter 12 - part 1

Two months later

Janice watched as Camilla picked up her brush yet again to smooth her feathers. Camilla's wing shook slightly revealing the nerves and causing frustration. As she drew back to hurl the brush into the corner Janice stepped in and took over the process of smoothing the feathers.

"Like, you rully shouldn't let the nervous worms get to you. You didn't take that long of a break."

"It's not just that," Camilla signed, "It's Gonzo too."

"I thought things were totally getting better between you."

"I did too, but we've been slowly talking to each other for the past two months and he hasn't even asked me out on a date yet."

Janice did her best to keep a straight face and caught Kermit's stern look as he paused out of Camilla's sight at the door. "Like, mabe Gonzo's waiting on you to ask him," she said.

Kermit nodded, glad that Camilla was not aware of all the plans going on in the theater tonight. He continued on by the girls dressing room to take his place at the desk pausing for a moment as he watched Robin.

"Macho, macho frog! I want to be a macho frog!" Robin sang with exuberance as he hopped up and down the stairs.

"Hey, save some of that energy for the show." Kermit made a mental note to have Robin sing his impromtu version of the Village people's song in a future show. "Besides, you'll make yourself forget your lyrics to the extra song tonight."

"Uncle Kermit! It's only one word that I have to sing over and over again." Robin reacted incredulously hating that he still needed to be reminded of his responsibilities. "Besides, I think that you should worry about Fozzie a little bit more than me."

Kermit sighed as he looked over and saw Fozzie pacing franticly back and forth. Carefully he made his way over to Fozzie and braced himself for this performance's problem.

"Oh, Kermit what am I going to do?" Fozzie wailed as he rushed over and grabbed him.

"Calm down, Fozzie..." was all he was allowed to get out before Fozzie interupted him.

"I'm just so lost now!"

"Have you tried Harry Krishna?" Gonzo asked as he walked by to sharpend the pencils he needed for his act.

"Sheesh," Kermit paused in amazement as he wondered if they would ever forget about that, "Fozzie, what is the problem."

"Statler and Waldorf!" Fozzie was at the point of sobbing as he chocked out their names.

"I thought you weren't going to let their heckling bother you anymore."
"But that's just it Kermit, they're not here! I can't do the show without them anymore. The heckling is part of the act."

Kermit had learned over the years how to handle almost anything and very few things made him speechless. Unfortunatley this was one of them. All Kermit could come up with was "they've still got time before the show starts, I'm sure they will turn up."

"But..." Fozzie was cut off by Scooter's call of "fifteen seconds until curtain." and the mad dash for all bears and pigs and chickens and things to take their places for the theme.

"Good evening folks," Kermit spoke to the packed house after the number, "have we got a show for you tonight"

"What has it been every other night?" puffed Waldorf as he tripped into the
box.

"Their rendition of the sinking of the Titanic!" Statler huffed as he followed his friend to the floor.

"Oh, good" Kermit's voice was mixed with amusement and regret, "I see you
two made it."

"Would have been sooner if we hadn't of had to use our money for our prescriptions to pay for the tickets tonight!"

"What's the point in charging us more, isn't our being here punishment enought."

Kermit jumped at the opportunity to explain. "I'd like to thank all of you for coming out tonight to support the March of Dimes. All of the money we raise tonight will be going to support this cause that is special in the hearts of all of us here in the Muppet theater."

Camilla paused backstage and took several gulping breaths. It still hurt every shard of her heart to think about Isabella and all that she had went through. As Beaker had pointed out though, doing the show for the March of Dimes was the best way to help Isabella now.

"Meep, mee moi" he had said explaining that the foundation funded research targeted for premature babies and had made big break throughs in developing the medicine surfactant for the lungs. If they had adequate funds to continue reearch with they maybe able to save another family from the heartbreak they had expirienced.

"Maybe someone else won't have to agonize as well," Camilla chanted as she prepared herself the the number she was going to be in.

The audience roared with appreciation as they sang along with Janice in her return to the stage singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun. The audience barely settled down before Zany and three other penguins took the stage in sunglasses tapping their feet to music as they began to sing.

"I've got my mind set on you
I've got my mind set on you"

Slowly the penguins began a simple coreography number to the music continuing to seing.

"i've got my mind set on you
I've got my mind set on you."

The lead singer cam sliding out his back to the audience as he belted his first
line to the audience.

'But it's gonna take money"

Scooter turned around to the delight of the audience and continued with the penguins dancind behind him.

"A whole lotta spending money
It's gonne take plenty of money
To do it right child
It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child"

The penguins seemed to loose control as they bounced, flipped, and twirled in time to the music.

"I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
And this time I know it's for real
The feelings that I feel
I know if I put my mind to it
I know that I really can do it
I got my mind set on you
Set on you
I got my mind set on you
Set on you"

Zoot appeared on stage to take the saxaphone solo, Scooter following behind and imitating him.

"But it's gonna take money
A whole lotta spending money
It's gonna take plenty of money
To do it right child
It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right

I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you

And this time I know it's for real
The feelings that I feel
I know if I put my mind to it
I know that I really can do it

But it's gonna take money
A whole lotta spending money
It's gonna take plenty of money
To do it right child

It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right

Set on you
Set on you"

As they cleared the stage Camilla took a deep breath and went to her place while Kermit stepped in front of the curtian to the audience.

More will be on the way as soon as possible. I'll talk to you guys later, I've got to get back to work!

Wonderful update! I can see some time has passed now and I like that they are doing a show for the March of Dimes, that is so appropriate! I also loved your song choice of I've Got My Mind Set On You. One of my faves. Anyway, looking forward to whatever it is Camilla will be performing and hopefully good things to come!

Medicine surfactant? Eh, whatever works for premies! *can actually laugh a tiny bit without feeling horrible for doing so* For me it was 1 mg of Aminophylline dilouted in 25 mg of water, and something of Tuberculin. (although upon further research...apperently tuberculin is used for finding out about TB. ...it's what the needle body says, so I don't know really.)

Dunno how much or how often, but it seemed to work for me. (only reason I know of this, is for some....really strange freaky reason, my mother kept all of my injection needles in an old shoe box of mine.) I took other medicines, but I don't know (and mom dosn't remember) what I took.

Okay...onto the story!!! It's wonderful! And very sweet! And yes, March of Dimes is a wonderful thing to support! Espiecally with what's been happening to them lately. I love how the storys going, more please!!!

PS: Those of you curious how I looked as a widdle baby? Have a lookie! Apperently my mother couldn't get premie diapers, so I was pratically engulfed in them for awhile! XD Also, those are my cannula (I believe. They only went 1/4 inch inside my nasal passages, so I'm not 100% sure those are it...) that are inside of my nose. By this time (I was...I think almost a year old?) I was feeding somewhat normally or my mother didn't leave my feeding tube in all the time.