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The Legend of Wilkins and Wontkins

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Winslow Leach, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The television studio was filled to capacity. The seven hundred audience members chattered excitedly in their seats, anticipating the show about to begin in less than five minutes. The studio was much smaller than it appeared on home screens, and the stage, which seemed so vast, had just enough room for a simple oak desk to the left, a comfortable couch immediately to its right, and "home base," the spot center where he would deliver his opening monologue. He? Who was he? Only the star of the most popular late night talk show in the country, Buzzy Laffs. Sixty minutes of comedy, variety, talk, and the occasional appearance of Bonkers the Manic-Depressive Clown, who wasn't really a regular; Bonkers would show up, usually unexpectedly, whenever he was in the mood, which wasn't very often.

    For the past seven and a half years, Buzzy reigned over Late Night Laffs, which aired live from New York City, 11 pm to midnight, Monday through Friday. Audiences couldn't get enough of his wacky, irreverent and insane humor. Buzzy could sing and dance (his theme song was "I've Got No Strings" from Walt Disney's Pinocchio); he could pratfall like nobody's business, flopping all over the tiny set. This, however, was nothing compared to his real talent, his biggest claim to fame: acidic, venemous put-downs, reserved especially for his guests.

    It should be noted that Buzzy could have had the cream of the entertainment industry on Late Night Laffs with a simple flick of the wrist. Buzzy could care less about the cream of the entertainment industry. He wanted C-list celebs, and C-list celebs only, those unfortunate souls whose proverbial fifteen minutes had long been eclipsed. Forgotten "stars" from ancient reality series; disgraced former sports figures; actors who had been groomed for stardom, but never lived up to their potential. Buzzy had them all. To him, knocking someone down who was already down, even lower, was simply fun. It amused him, and it amused his audience. Many a guest had been reduced to anger and/or tears (sometimes both, which was all the better) after Buzzy's vicious attacks.

    Interviewed shortly after a particularly nasty show where Bonkers dumped a sack full of flour and maple syrup on her head, a once-famous supermodel was asked why she bothered to appear, when she knew full well what was in store. "I need the exposure," was her sad reply, which could have been echoed by nearly anyone who was unfortunate to make Buzzy's list.

    Meanwhile, Buzzy literally laughed all the way to the bank; he was well known for chortling uncontrollably, weeping tears of joy as he made his latest deposit. Not bad for a creature carved out of foam.
  2. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    ... wow...

    I sure hope that Wilkins and Wontkins get wrapped up in this... who knows how it would turn out... *imagines Wilkins firing a cannon at Buzzy for not drinking Wilkins Coffee* ... on the other hand...

    No seriously, please continue. I wanna know what happens next!
  3. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Ziffles da Leach. More please?
  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    In interviews, Buzzy Laffs claimed he could never remember the name of his creator. "I remember not being here one day," he told countless journalists, "and the next day, BAM! Here I am! Break out the sodee pop and pork rinds!"

    In truth, Buzzy was built ten years ago by master puppet maven Merv "Magic Fingers" Malone, host and chief puppeteer of a daily morning children's program, imaginatively titled The Daily Morning Children's Program. The star of the show was Pucky, a cuddly, optimistic walrus, who lived in a colorful playhouse, and whose harshest explicative was "oh, golly gee!" Buzzy was added to the cast midway through the second season as an antagonist next door neighbor, the sour to Pucky's sweet.

    The humanoid was carved out of pale blue foam; he had a pair of crazed, googly eyes, that spun around and around every time he moved his head, a long pink nose (more of a snout, really) and a head full of bushy, unkempt black hair. His most prominent feature was an enormous mouth that was always yapping. The puppet was clad in a dark, three-piece business suit, which was two sizes too big for his slender frame.

    Buzzy Laffs was a hit as soon as he made his debut in the episode "Pucky's Drums," in which Pucky decided to take up the drums. His first line was "what's all that freakin' noise?" barging into Pucky's playhouse, and demanding the walrus shut up. The idea was to make the program a bit easier for adults to swallow, when forced to watch with their toddlers and/or pre-schoolers.

    Fan mail began pouring in, mostly by children barely able to write, asking for a picture "of the funny guy with the big mouth"; Merv Malone had color photographs made of Buzzy raising his fist threateningly, and accompanied each photo with a scrawled, comical threat to his fans.

    At the peak of his Daily Morning Children's Program fame, Buzzy recorded a best-selling rap album, Buz Z. Raps for the Kiddies, that included the top-of-the-charts hit, "Better Eat Your Broccoli (Or I'll Punch You in the Face)." The album went gold, as Buzzy found new fans in teen and young adult audiences.

    Alas, Buzzy's fame didn't last. Almost a year after he was introduced, Buzzy Laffs incurred the wrath of parental groups, who found his brand of comedy "too adult," "controversial," and "potentially dangerous." Merv Malone explained to the public that yes, Buzzy was a villain, but he always received his comeuppance. This wasn't enough. Sponsors began pulling out. Angry mail was a daily occurrence. It became too much for the gentle Merv, who reluctantly had Buzzy run over and killed by a speeding bus. He had no other option. Lose Buzzy or lose the show.

    After his final episode had been shot, Buzzy was unceremoniously tossed into a trunk with other discarded puppets, presumably never again to see the light of day. But Buzzy had ambition. He had a taste of the limelight, and wanted more. Besides, being booted off the sugary kid's show was a blessing in disguise. He was too hip to entertain kiddies. His time would come again. Oh yes. His time would come...
  5. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member


    Lovin' this so far, Tony. Can't wait 4 more.
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Blinding light penetrated the trunk, as it was roughly forced open.

    "Pleh!" cried a mysterious voice, slamming the lid.

    Buzzy Laffs, a prisoner here for almost a month, sat confused and somewhat startled at the abrupt intrusion.

    A few moments later, the creaky lid was opened again.

    "What is dat vile stench?" asked a strange voice.

    "Sorry," replied Buzzy without missing a beat, "I didn't have time to splash on my Old Spice this morning."

    Forcefully yanked from the trunk, Buzzy found himself staring into the somewhat glazed, dead eyes of a creepy-looking fellow wearing a trenchcoat and fedora.

    "Buzzy Laffs!" exclaimed the stranger.

    "In the foam," said Buzzy.

    The stranger let out a loud guffaw. "Just like on da telly-vision!"

    "Uh...who are you?" asked Buzzy, starting to feel the hairs on his head rise in fright.

    "Da name's Lefty," said the stranger. "I'm a woikin' man by trade, an' I just wanna tell youse: I never miss Da Daily Mornin' Children's Program. I even belong to da fan club, and got an autentic Pucky da Walrus pin! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

    "You came here just to tell me that?"

    "Naw, naw," said Lefty. "I was moitified when youse got hit by dat bus. I taught you was dead fer sure!"

    "Well, as Mark Twain said," replied Buzzy, "accounts of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

    "Who's dat?" asked Lefty, confused. "A friend of yers?"

    Buzzy sighed. "Can you please put me down? I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet."

    "Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

    Lefty let go of Buzzy; Buzzy immediately crumpled to the floor.

    "Sorry," said Buzzy. "Been awhile."

    "Want me ta give youse a hand?"

    "No...no, you've done enough for me, Righty."

    "Dat's Lefty."

    With great effort, Buzzy slowly stood up. He was an inch or so taller than Lefty. For some reason, this comforted him. The odd character didn't seem as menacing now.

    "How did you get in here anyway?" asked Buzzy. "This place is tighter than Fort Knox."

    "I jimmied a window," said Lefty. "Anudder one 'a my specialties."

    "So...you have a puppet fetish or something? You here to make off with Sweet Sandy or Merry Muffy?"

    "I'm glad ya asked," said Lefty. "No. I'm here...fer youse."
  7. AnimatedC9000

    AnimatedC9000 Well-Known Member

    ... Tony... I honestly did NOT expect for Lefty to be in this story. At all.

    What a surprising twist! Can't wait for the next chapter!
  8. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *Startled... Yeah, great to see Lefty again. He's gonna be your whatchamacallit... Yer recurring character. Da hero of da story... Or not, whatever. Just post more when yous can. *Sneaks off with Sweet Sandy and Merry Muffy and Teen Dream Tiffany out through da unlocked back door.
  9. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Look pal," said Buzzy, hovering over the shady salesman, "I'm not into--"

    "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" hissed Lefty. "Get yer mind outta da gutter. I'm here ta bring youse back into da spotlight!"

    "Are you a fairy godmother?" asked an awed Buzzy.

    Lefty smacked Buzzy across the face. "Who ya callin' a fairy?" he sneered. "Anudder crack like dat, an' I walk!"

    A stunned Buzzy reeled from the blow, his eyes spinning. Normally if he received such treatment, he would whack Pucky or one of the other "cuddly" denizens of The Daily Morning Children's Program with a frying pan to the gut, or a rolling pin to the head. But there was something about Lefty that chilled Buzzy; he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but Lefty seemed like the type of fellow who would stab you for a nickel, and not think twice.

    "I've been trying to fly this coop since I was put in that trunk," remarked Buzzy, rubbing his sore face.

    "I bet youse have," said Lefty, "and I sympathize wit ya. See, I was once a television star. Had my own show on public television. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Everybody knew Lefty. I was considered da Beatles of da 'oily nineteen seventies, except I was one guy, an' da Beatles were tree--or four, I forget. But den people started callin' me a bad influence. Kin youse imagine? A handsome guy like me? As soon as da complaints started, my *** was history, and my showbiz career came to an abrupt end. Yeah, I tried auditionin' fer movies like Da Godfodder Part Two and Rocky, but nobody knew who I was!" Lefty sighed. "Da public has a short memory, believe me, kid, and I wanna help ya get back on da air before da next flavor of da month comes around."

    "Are you for real?" asked Buzzy.

    "How many ways do I gotta say it? I wanna manage you!"

    "I'm--I'm honored...how many people have you managed before?"

    "You're da foist."

    Buzzy stared at Lefty. "You're kidding."

    "About what? You'd be my foist client."

    Buzzy let out one of his patented giggles and whacked Lefty on the back. The salesman scrunched his face in anger.

    "You don't know anything about management!"

    "So? It's woith givin' a shot. Seems dere's plenny of managers out dere who don't know what dere doin'. One more crum-bum won't make a difference."

    "What do you have in mind?"

    "I haven't taught dat far ahead yet."

    "How about my own show?"

    Lefty mulled this over for a moment or two. "Yeah, I guess dat'll be all right."

    "Can I dance?"

    "I dunno. Can you?"

    Buzzy put his hand over his face. "No...I'm asking you if I can dance."

    "What, now?"

    "On the show," said an exasperated Buzzy.

    "Oh. Sure, why not?"

    "And sing?"

    "It'll be yer show..."

    "And maybe interview celebrities?"

    "Yeah, that--" Lefty stopped, and began fidgiting. "Er...well...ya see...I, uh...I don't know many--any--celebrities..."

    "Wait a minute," Buzzy brightened. "What about C-listers?"


    "You know...celebs no one remembers anymore--like you, for instance!"

    Lefty smiled. "I tink I kin do dat! Yeah...wrangle in a buncha has-beens whose careers are on da skids! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

    "Fantastic," shouted Buzzy, as he literally jumped for joy. "First of all, these folks will be so pathetic, there's no chance they can upstage me! And secondly--I can make fun of them, and not feel the least bit guilty about it."

    "Dat's da spirit!" Lefty thrust out his hand. "Shake."

    "Don't we have a contract?"

    "Nope. Don't trust 'em. A simple handshake will seal da deal."

    Buzzy was about to take Lefty's hand when he suddenly remembered something. For a humanoid with no brains, Buzzy Laffs was pretty smart.

    "How much will you take out of my salary?"

    "Ninety-five poicent," said Lefty.

    Buzzy did a quadruple take.

    "You're joking!"

    Lefty's face turned grave. "Do I look like I'm joking, Smiley? I take ninety-five poicent. No exceptions. Yer lucky I'm lettin' youse keep da odder five!"
  10. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Day-yum straight... XP

    ZOMG! Lefty is back with a vengeance! O_O This story's wicked funny and addicting so far! Keep up the awesome woik!
  11. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Awww...thank you, Ailie!:)

  12. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thus with a simple handshake, the career of Buzzy Laffs began in earnest. On reflection, the loudmouthed puppet wasn't bothered that he was being cheated out of his earnings by the shady Lefty (who never actually told his client what he did for a living); he craved fame much more. Besides, as Lefty told him, "youse don't wanna be handlin' dat filthy green anyway. It's crawlin' wit goims."

    As the new partners were heading out of the studio (via the basement window Lefty crawled into), Buzzy stopped by Pucky's dressing room. The adorable little walrus was curled up in his bed, clad in a long white nightgown and sleeping cap. Buzzy shook Pucky, rousing him out of his slumber.

    "I'm outta here," said Buzzy.

    Pucky bolted out of bed.

    "Did you ask Merv if you could go?" asked Pucky in his dopey Beaky Buzzard voice.

    "Nah, he'll never miss me."

    "Oh, golly gee, I dunno Buzzy," said Pucky. "I heard him on the phone this afternoon. He wants us to accompany him to the White House for a special command performance before the president. The Daily Morning Children's Program is his favorite."

    Buzzy smashed Pucky across the face with a metal bucket.

    "Kid, I like yer style," beamed Lefty, putting an arm around his protege's shoulder. "Let's get some eats, yer treat, 'a course..."
  13. ChickyBoy37

    ChickyBoy37 Active Member

    Can't wait to see what other characters will appear in this fan-fic! :) :super: ;)
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Buzzy sat in his dressing room, staring into the mirror. Enough reflecting on the past. He had a show to do in less than two minutes. Who were the guests tonight? Wilby and Wonky? Some ancient puppet act that was apparently big in the late 1950s and early 60s. God, Buzzy hated puppets. His mood already dour, Buzzy would make sure the has-beens would receive a particularly nasty roasting over the coals, so painful and vicious, the two would scurry back into hibernation for another fifty years.

    His producers had assembled a reel of some of Wiffle and Womble's most "memorable" moments, but Buzzy didn't bother to watch. He couldn't stomach seeing it twice in one evening. Bad enough he had to watch it on air. Probably more gag-inducing than Pucky offering sunshine and lollipops to his friends at the end of each Friday episode. Blah. Disgusting.

    Buzzy looked at the clock.

  15. Kiki

    Kiki Active Member

    This ish AWESOME, Tony! Love it! Keep up the good stuff man! :)
  16. ChickyBoy37

    ChickyBoy37 Active Member

    when will we see Wilkins and Wonktins? (not that it matters)
  17. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Fankew, Katie! Glad you like it!:D:crazy:
  18. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Oh, they're coming...;)
  19. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    "...and here he is, a fellow known to give circus clowns nightmares...Buuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyy Laaaaaaaaaaafffffffffs..."

    The audience rose to their feet, applauding, cheering, whistling and shouting wildly. The stage curtains began wrestling frantically, as if someone was desperately trying to escape from a deadly trap. The curtain schtick was one of Buzzy's tried-and-true gimmicks, a guarantee for cheap laughs, and tonight was certainly no exception.

    The man of the hour burst through the curtains, dancing toward center stage as the band played a smoking version of "I Got No Strings." Buzzy stood at home base, smiling at the crowd. His crowd. After a minute basking in the love, Buzzy comically looked at his watch, as if to say, we only have sixty minutes, and the clock is already ticking. This made the audience laugh and applaud even louder. Feigning exasperation, Buzzy started for the curtains. As he was about to make his exit, he spun on his heel, and trotted center again, executing a perfect pratfall, which led straight into a somersault, causing Buzzy to land on his rear. Deafening laughter and cheers.

    Buzzy stood, brushing himself off. He looked off camera to his longtime announcer, the Muppet Newsman, and winked. Then Buzzy held up his hand. Immediately every noise in the studio ceased. The audience was silent, as was the band.

    "Abbott and Costello...Laurel and Hardy...Martin and Lewis...Chris Farley and David Spade..." began Buzzy. "Comedy teams for the ages. Sadly, none of them are here tonight, due to the unfortunate fact that most of them are dead. However, I would prefer interviewing the corpse of Oliver Hardy this evening, rather than waste an hour with the two unknown meatballs who are here," Buzzy said.

    "I was going to do all of you a great favor, out of the kindness of my heart," he continued. "Before air, I wanted to hand each and every one of you good people a clothespin to clamp over your noses when my guests come out. Do you realize how bad a moldy, soiled, rotten old puppet stinks? How about two moldy, soiled, rotten old puppets? The clothespin idea was mine, but my manager Lefty shot it down, claiming it would be too 'expensive.' So I do apologize..."

    Buzzy motioned to the band, and they played a jazzy tune as the host crossed to his desk and sat down. He held up his hand, and the music stopped.

    Buzzy picked up a slim set of index cards on his desk, and began reading flatly, without any emotion.

    Wilkins and Wontkins began their reign of terror and insanity in the D.C. area starting in 1957, as the mascots for Wilkins Coffee. Their hilarious, offbeat, violent and slapstick ads appealed to adults and children who--

    Buzzy looked up. "Okay, who's responsible for these idiot cards? 'Hilarious'...'offbeat'...'violent'..." Buzzy looked offstage to his stage manager, standing in the wings. "Who made these? Huh? The new kid we hired last week? He's fired! No, I'm not kidding. Go back and tell him to be out of the building in exactly five minutes, or I'm calling the police. Go, you old geezer, or I'll fire you as well!"

    The stagehand scurried off to find the index card writer.

    Buzzy leaned forward with a menacing look, addressing the audience.

    "If it wasn't for you lovely people, I wouldn't be here today. You made my career, and I appreciate it greatly, more than words can say. But if anyone--and I mean anyone--makes so much as a peep when those two clowns come out, you will immediately be ejected from the studio by one of my bodyguards and thrown out into the street." Buzzy glared at the band, who were nervously fidgiting with their instruments. "That goes for you guys too. Not one note! We don't want these two has-beens thinking they've earned the right to applause and music."

    Buzzy slumped back in his chair, and played with his tie for several seconds. "It now gives me the displeasure of bringing out tonight's guests, Will-he or Won't-he," he said, making no effort to be upbeat or peppy. "Just come out losers..."
  20. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    *In Gregory Peck voice: He's in it now... Up to his neck.

    Nice reference to Newsie and I hope it's not you nor RF who's been fired as notes writer.

    More please.

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