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The Legend of Wilkins and Wontkins

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Winslow Leach, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Well... It's obvious why he became Wilkins' punching bag. With an attitude like that... C'mon, you gotta have a huge parking space. An actor's gotta know to shout "Hey, this must be da place!" If you wanna be a top banana, you gotta start from the bottom up?
    Ergh, forget that.

    Update more please now. Time through traveling backwards am I. *Post erases.
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Sorry for the multiple posts today. This was actually supposed to be one chapter, from Howard's "take forty-six" line to the arrival of Wontkins. BUT when I hit the "submit reply" button, my time had expired, which was funny, because I wasn't even logged in for a half hour.

    So I signed out, re-signed in, and wrote the whole chapter again; same thing. My time ran out. So I ended up dividing the chapter into smaller pieces, but it should be read as one...


    I like cake...
  3. Kiki

    Kiki Active Member

    Well, cake is pretty d*** awesome. ^_^ Oh- and no hurry.So far, so good! This is GREAT stuff!
  4. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Thank you, Katie!:)
  5. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Boy, are yuh crazy?" barked Rowlf to his client. "Whut were yuh thinkin', draggin' that bum in here, promising him television exposure?"

    "Yeah," agreed Howard. "He's not even photogenic!"

    Wontkins was at the craft service table, scarfing down donuts, danish, cakes, sandwiches and several bowls of Jell-O. He grabbed a hot pot of coffee and guzzled it down his throat.

    "Remind yuh of anyone?" asked the Colonel, nudging Howard; Howard didn't get the insult.

    "Huh?" asked the pig.

    "Ah've been in this business a long time," said Colonel Barker, returning his attention to Wilkins. "Ah started in carnivals before managing that ingrate Lawrence the Geek. Ah've seen everythin', but ah've never seen an elephant fly. Wait. Ah mean...I don't think yer idea is so hot. We want people ta enjoy dis product, not be repulsed by it."

    "You're already repulsing them," said Wilkins bravely, "by calling it Yummy Grounds. I'd never drink anything with a name like that!"

    "Think you're such a clever boy, doncha?" said Howard.

    "Look, I'll make you guys a deal: shoot the commercial with the ugly blob. If it works, and is successful, not only will you sign him as my partner, Colonel, we change Yummy Grounds to Wilkins."

    "Dat's anudder thing," said Rowlf, trying to hold his temper in. "What makes y'all think chubbo overe there is invincible?"

    "I've seen it with my own eyes."

    "Could have been luck."

    "My ***. Watch this...hey Wontkins! Get over here for a minute, willya? And bring a knife."

    "A knife?" asked Wontkins with a mouthful of danish, eyeing Howard. "We gonna have pork roast? Save me the snout!"

    "The gall!" shrieked Howard. "Does he know who I am?"

    "Actually, no," said Wilkins, as Wontkins approached knife in hand.

    "Do you know who I am?" demanded Howard.

    "The main course?" asked Wontkins innocently.

    Wilkins grabbed the knife from Wontkins, and in one swift move, plunged it deep into his head. Wontkins thudded to the floor.

    As soon as blade touched felt, Howard Tubman vomited. And vomited. And vomited for almost a half hour, despite only eating a "light" lunch. By the time Howard was finished, Wontkins was standing in place, as if nothing had happened.

    "Bad clams?" he asked. "Oh, here's your knife back." Wontkins handed Howard the knife, and headed back to the craft service table.

    "Eh?" said Wilkins.

    "Wilkins mah boy...y'all have a very sick and twisted sense of humor, ya know that? But the public can't seem to get enough of sick and twisted humor. Look at the popularity of MAD magazine...those E.C. horror comic books...that hip new stand-up...what's his name?

    Howard opened his mouth to reply, but instead projected more vomit and bile into the Colonel's face. Barker took a handkerchief from his top coat pocket, and slowly wiped his face.

    "One shot," said the Colonel. "Just one shot with the blob. If we can't use it, I'll simply splice the best moments from the last forty-eight takes to create the final edit."

    "Fine," said Wilkins. "But if the commercial works, you promise you'll change the name to Wilkins."

    "Muh, sure kid, whaddevah you say," said the Colonel. He turned, and slipped on the vomit-covered floor; the Colonel was out cold as soon as his head connected with the floor.
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wontkins jumped onto the prop wall, while a technician was busy trying to revive the still-unconscious Colonel Barker.

    "You rewrote the spot?" barked Howard at Wilkins.

    "Yeah. I thought the first one was a piece of ****."

    Tubman sputtered. "I wrote it, you disrespectful little hedgehog!"

    "I call it as I see it," said Wilkins. "You're givin' me one take anyway...lemme try it my way."

    "I am so fed up with you artsy-fartsy actors who think you know better than the director!"

    "Yeah, but I'm not an actor, said Wilkins.

    "Look," said Tubman, rubbing his still-aching behind. "Do what you want. I'm outta here at six sharp, and that's exactly four and a half minutes from now. God I'm hungry...Yummy Grounds, take forty-nine."

    "Whut am I 'sposed to say?" asked Wontkins.

    "Cut!" choked Howard Tubman. "Why me? Why me?"

    "Follow me," offered Wilkins helpfully. "All you have to say is no. Think you can remember that?"

    "No," said Wontkins.

    Wilkins did a double-take. "What part of no don't you understand?"

    "I understand," said Wontkins. "I was agreeing with you."


    "Take fifty!" crowed Tubman.

    "NO!" said Wontkins.

    "I quit!" stomped Howard.

    "Lemme say my line first," said Wilkins to Wontkins, ignoring Howard's tantrum. Right after my line, you come in with your no."

    "And that's it?" asked Wontkins.

    "That's it...Tubby? You ready?"

    "My dinner is getting cold..."

    "Call it, Tubby," said Wilkins. "Last time. I promise."

    "Yummy Grounds, take fifty-one," said Howard without emotion.

    Wilkins: Hey pal, do you like the rich, smooth taste of Yummy Grounds?

    Wontkins: No!

    Like an expert knife-thrower, Wilkins hurled the knife from craft service at Wontkins, hitting him right between the eyes. Wontkins toppled backward off the wall; Wilkins turned and addressed the camera innocently.

    Wilkins: Anyone out there wanna replace him?

    From such a humble beginning in a small television studio in 1957, two legends were born. By the time the second commercial went into production, the product was renamed Wilkins Coffee.
  7. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    In 1957 alone, Wilkins and Wontkins shot at least ten commercials a day for Wilkins Coffee (the number usually depended on how quickly it took Wontkins to rise from the dead); these were mostly done in one take, and immediately caught on with the public. In fact, so many commercials were shot between 1957 and 1962, not all of them made it to air, the backlog was so vast.

    Here are just a few Wilkins and Wontkins spots that never saw the light of day...until now...

    Wontkins (as George Washington, wearing a powdered wig) I cannot tell a lie! I love Wilkins Coffee!

    (Wilkins shoots Wontkins with a musket)

    Wilkins: Liar!


    Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee burns me up!

    Wilkins: Oh yeah?

    Wontkins: Yeah!

    (Wilkins throws a steaming hot pot of coffee into Wontkins's face; Wontkins screams)

    Wilkins: I scream...he screams...we all scream for Wilkins Coffee!


    Wilkins (as a game show host) Okay, last question: who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

    Wontkins: Grant.

    Wilkins: Correct! You win a lifetime supply of Wilkins Coffee!

    Wontkins: I don't want any!

    (stage light falls, and hits Wontkins on the head, knocking him out)

    Wilkins: Unpredictable things happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.


    (Wilkins is driving a car, Wontkins beside him)

    Wilkins: Wanna stop somewhere for a cup of Wilkins?

    Wontkins: I'd rather drink mud!

    (Wilkins slams on the brakes; Wontkins goes flying through the windshield; Wilkins drives forward, the car momentarily shaking as it runs over the body of Wontkins)

    Wilkins: I like my Wilkins with one lump. (backs up over Wontkins) Sometimes two!


    Wilkins and Wontkins stand on top of a tall building, both wearing capes.

    Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee makes me wanna fly!

    Wontkins: That's ridiculous!

    (Wontkins leaps off the building, and plunges to his death)

    Wilkins: Some folks just don't listen...

    (Wilkins jumps off the building, and soars through the air like Superman)
  8. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wontkins, sitting in a theatre box, wears a black beard and top hat.

    Voice (O/S): We interrupt our play to bring you a word from Wilkins Coffee.

    Wontkins: BOOOOOOO!

    Wilkins, with a large mustache, rises behind Wontkins, and shoots him in the back of the head.

    Wilkins: Critics...
  9. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wilkins, wearing an Elvis wig, strumming an electric guitar, and shaking his hips, is interrupted by Wontkins.

    Wontkins: Ugh! What is that?

    Wilkins: I call it "Ode To Wilkins Coffee."

    Wontkins: I call it noise!

    (Wilkins hits Wontkins over the head with the guitar)

    Wilkins: And I call it an instant smash!


    Variation #2

    Wilkins, wearing an Elvis wig, strumming an electric guitar, and shaking his hips, is interrupted by Wontkins.

    Wontkins: Ugh! What is that?

    Wilkins: I call it "Ode To Wilkins Coffee."

    Wontkins: I call it noise!

    (Wilkins touches Wontkins with the guitar; Wontkins is instantly electrocuted)

    Wilkins: Electrifying!
  10. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wilkins, wearing a cowboy hat, drives a stagecoach with WILKINS COFFEE printed on the side.

    Wontkins, wearing a handkerchief over the lower part of his face and a cowboy hat, stands in front of the stagecoach, pointing two revolvers at Wilkins.

    Wilkins: Howdy, pardner, what kin I do ya fer?

    Wontkins: Shuddup an' gimme everthin' ya got! This is a stick-up!

    Wilkins: I don't have nuthin', stranger, 'cept boxes an' boxes of Wilkins Coffee.

    Wontkins: Ugh! I'd rather drink mud!

    Wilkins shoots Wontkins with a double-barreled shotgun.

    Wilkins: Buying a brand other than Wilkins is highway robbery!
  11. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    It was no secret that Wilkins was addicted to his find as soon as he tasted it. He drank it so many times a day, the dosage was more than enough to kill a human. Besides, the coffee kept him wired and alert, "helping" his performance, he claimed.

    One morning, Wilkins arrived at the studio, headed straight for the craft service table, and poured himself a tall Styrofoam cup of "the drink of the gods," as he called it. As soon as he took the first sip, he spit it out in disgust.

    "What the **** is this swill?" demanded Wilkins.

    "Chase and Sanborn," said the studio gofer, Scooter. "I looked all over town, and couldn't find Wilkins."

    "It's true," said Colonel Barker, coming to Scooter's aid. "Sales of Wilkins are through the roof!"

    "How does that help me ? !" cried Wilkins. "I need my fix! I-I can't perform unless I have my Wilkins!"

    "That's just in your head," said the Colonel. "You'll do fine."

    "NO I WON'T DO FINE!" screamed Wilkins, hurling his cup against the wall. "I MUST HAVE WILKINS!"

    "Gee, Mr. Wilkins," said Scooter, a tremble in his voice, "I really did look hard for at least one can. I went to six different stores this morning, and they were all sold out."

    "You should have gone to seven stores!" said Wilkins, knocking a plateful of donuts over. He held out his hand. "Look! Look at the tremors! They're already beginning!"

    "We're wasting time, people," said Howard Tubman impatiently.

    "SHUT UP!" screamed Wilkins. "This is not happening...this is not happening...this is not happening!"

    Wilkins began clawing his face, trying to rip his eyeballs out. Colonel Barker, who was much larger, tackled him to the ground.

    "Nooooo! Lemme go! Lemme go, you fat ox!" whimpered Wilkins. "I'll have you thrown in the pokey for molestation!"

    During all of this drama, Wontkins was calmly eating the donuts off the floor. He grabbed the coffee pot, and guzzled some of the Chase and Sanborn.

    "Yuh know," said Wontkins. "This stuff ain't half bad!"


    Wilkins broke away from the Colonel, grabbed the coffee pot from Wontkins, and bashed him in the head with it repeatedly. Wontkins fell to the floor, but Wilkins continued his assault, until the Colonel and Howard grabbed him.

    "Happy now?" said Howard. "We were all ready to shoot, and you just killed your partner. I didn't even have the camera rolling! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

    Five minutes later, Wilkins was in a straightjacket, still ranting and raving that he needed his Wilkins Coffee to get through the day.
  12. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    One week after Wilkins's meltdown (which Colonel Barker whitewashed in the papers as mere "exhaustion" from "overwork"), the violent little coffee addict fell in love.

    It was just another day at the office. Wilkins, replenished with his favorite beverage, was in high spirits, working on a spot in which he played a fortune teller.

    Wilkins (wearing large turban) Your favorite drink is...Wilkins Coffee!

    Wontkins: Fraud! You couldn't be more wrong!

    Wilkins: I predict a tragic end for you!

    Wontkins: Try another one, faker.

    (Wontkins is smooshed by a runaway Ferris wheel)

    Wilkins (to camera) Want me to tell your fortune?

    "And...cut!" said Howard. "Great work, Wilkins."

    Wilkins hopped off the wall, and headed to the snack table, where he poured himself a generous cup of Wilkins. As he sipped, Wilkins watched a crew member peel the carcass of Wontkins off the wall. His attention was diverted as the studio door opened, and the white-clad figure of Colonel Rowlf Barker walked in, followed by a pretty blonde.

    "Wilkins, mah boy!" barked Rowlf. "How'd the spot go?"

    "Good," said Wilkins. "The Ferris wheel really mashed ol' blubber."

    "Dat's great," said Barker. "Hey, I have someone here who's a big fan 'a yours. Begged me ta introduce ya."

    Barker gently pushed the blonde toward Wilkins, who was taking another sip. As soon as he saw the stunning blonde up close, he began a coughing fit. The coffee went down the wrong way.

    "This is...Rosemary," said Rowlf, while Wilkins was madly coughing, tears in his eyes. "Uh, Rosemary is an acquaintance of mine who, coincidentally, also works in television. Live television, five nights a week. In the same area as you. Are you familiar with Rosemary, Wilkins?"

    Wilkins shook his head no, still trying to catch his breath.

    "Well, this pretty little thing is familiar with you," said Rowlf. "Never missed a commercial, ain't dat right?"

    Rosemary smiled shyly.

    When Wilkins's embarrassing coughing jag was over, he held out his hand and choked, "Wilkins, pleased to meet you."

    Rosemary took Wilkins's hand, and shook.

    "You'll hafta forgive Rosemary," said Rowlf. "Has laryngitis. Hasta save the ol' voice fer tonight."

    "Oh. Uh," said Wilkins, "what do you do on your show?"

    Rosemary opened her mouth, and mimed singing.

    "A singer?"

    "Yep," said the Colonel, beaming.

    "I'm a bit of a singer myself," said Wilkins.

    "You are?" asked the Colonel.

    "You are?" asked Howard, eavesdropping.

    "A foggy daaaaaaaayyyy in London toooooowwwwwwwwwn!" sang Wilkins. Actually, it wasn't singing. It sounded more like a giraffe caught in a printing press, but Rosemary was polite enough to smile in appreciation.

    "Ah wants you two kids ta get ta know each other," said Colonel Barker to Wilkins. "Ah'm tryin' ta get you a spot on Rosie's show. I booked a table fer you two at Chez Cheese Hut for 12:15. That's exactly ten minutes from now. So stop yer dilly-dallyin', an' go go go!"

    As Wilkins walked out of the studio with Rosemary, he couldn't help but think what a wonderful guy Rowlf was. Sure the Colonel could be crusty and demanding, but he always planted good publicity about Wilkins in the newspapers and now he even set him up with--

    "Be back heah in an hour," shouted the Colonel from behind. "We gotta get at least two more commercials in da can today!"

    "Yes mastuh," said Wilkins, slamming the door of the studio behind him.
  13. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wilkins and Rosemary had a pleasant lunch at Chez Cheese Hut. Neither had ever been to a restaurant where everything on the menu had cheese in it, including the wine.

    "Lucky we're not lactose intolerant," chuckled Wilkins, attempting to break the ice. Both were still nervous in each other's company.

    After the meal, Wilkins and Rosemary were enjoying a cheese sorbet. Wilkins caught a generous spoonful, and looked at Rosemary, who of course was silent throughout lunch.

    "Do you mind if I...?" asked Wilkins nervously. Rosemary's mouth opened, and Wilkins began to spoon feed her. Unfortunately, he was still suffering minor hand tremors, and spilled some sorbet onto Rosemary's dress.

    "Look what you did!"

    It was the first time Wilkins heard Rosemary speak.

    "I'm supposed to go live with this dress! I'll never get the stain out in time!"

    Wilkins dropped his spoon in shock, and felt a sharp prickling sensation crawling on the back of his neck. Not so much because of what Rosemary said. It was how she sounded. In fact, it didn't take Wilkins too long to realize that she was a he.

    "It's ruined!" cried the deep, male voice.

    "What the ****?" cried Wilkins loud enough, that several diners turned and stared at him.

    "I had a frog in my throat earlier, which is why I didn't say anything. My name is Kermit," said the creature who did not yet resemble the frog the whole world would come to love.

    "Rosemary?" asked a confused Wilkins.

    "Oh, I go by assorted names, depending on whose record I lip-synch to. Rosemary Clooney...Keely Smith. I'm a regular on Sam and Friends, and often play a female. I don't mind. The pay's good, plus the clothing is exquisite."

    Kermit took off his blonde wig and tossed it on the table. He looked even uglier without it. Wilkins felt light-headed and queasy.

    "W-why?" he managed to ask.

    "Why what?" asked Kermit.

    "Why did the Colonel set us up?"

    "It's true what he said. I'm a big fan of yours, and I wanted to meet you. I would have told you I was a guy in drag earlier, but I really couldn't talk. That soup seemed to have cleared my throat."

    "Why didn't the Colonel say anything?"

    "I guess because you didn't ask him," said Kermit. "He probably figured you'd find out sooner or later. Now how about feeding me some more of this yummy sorbet? Here, I'll put a napkin on my--"

    Wilkins abruptly stood, and started out.

    "I-I gotta go..."

    "We still have a few minutes."

    "I-I gotta go..."

    "Don't bother paying," said Kermit. "The Colonel told me to put everything on his tab."

    "I-I gotta go..."

    Wilkins pushed his way out of the restaurant and immediately vomited all over the sidewalk.

    Many of the patrons inside caught the disgusting display and suddenly lost their appetites.
  14. The Count

    The Count Moderator Staff Member

    Good riddance. Another cheesy moment of that and I'd've lost it too. From the food... Not the story. Thought it was either that Rosemary or the one from the TV show. Is very good this fic... Wes wantses more!
  15. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Ah am verah, verah sorreh," said Colonel Rowlf, his voice calm. "Ah shoulda tole you Rosemary was a fellah in drag, but ah figured you'd appreciate the gag."

    "You thought wrong, old man," snapped Wilkins.

    "Ah learned mah lesson. Ah promise never to pull the wool over yer eyes again."

    "Blah blah blah," mocked the perpetually-grinning coffee mascot. "Now it's my turn to show you the true meaning of humiliation!"

    Colonel Barker was hanging upside down, his ankles tied to a rope, connected to a pulley system that Wilkins was clutching with both hands, enabling him to raise or lower the Colonel.

    Rowlf Barker was hovering over a pool, in which two hungry sharks swam, the setting for tomorrow's Wilkins Coffee spot.

    The studio was dark and empty. When Wilkins returned from lunch, he asked to speak with the Colonel in private, after the day's work was done. As soon as the last crew member left for the evening, Wilkins smashed the Colonel in the face with an iron, sending him sprawling to the floor.

    When the Colonel awoke, he found himself upside down, his head inches away from an unpleasant, watery death.

    "You know how traumatized I was this afternoon?" asked Wilkins. "What you're going through now is only a fraction of how I felt!"

    "Now don't do anythin' stupid, boy," said Rowlf, still trying to remain calm. "Don't do anythin' you'll regret."

    "Like this?" asked the little sadist, as he lowered the pulley. Barker felt cool water lapping against the crown of his head.

    "Please son," said the Colonel. "Ah'll do anythin'. I'll get you a raise! Ah'll rent out an amusement park for the day, just for you! Ah'll buy you a pony!"

    Wilkins chuckled.

    "Yo momma's a decent woman. I know she didn't raise no psychopath..."

    "What did you say about my momma?" cried Wilkins. With all his might, he pulled the Colonel up to the ceiling of the studio. For the first time, fear crept into Barker's voice.

    "Oh my gawd!" he cried. "Ah'm afraid of heights! Ah'm gettin' nauseous!"

    "Oh, nauseous like me, as soon as I fled the restaurant?"

    "Lemme down!"

    "Stop whining!" commanded Wilkins. "It isn't very becoming."

    "Hey Wilkins!" shouted a familiar voice.

    "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Wilkins in surprised shock, inadvertently letting go of the pulley.

    After a few seconds, a thunderous SPLASH! as the Colonel's massive bulk landed in the tank.

    "I was sittin' back there in my dressing room, thinkin' of kumquats, and I heard your voice," said Wontkins. "I wanted to ask ya if you like kumquats. I know a lotta people don't, but I find 'em quite tasty myself."
  16. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wilkins stood numbly, staring at the shark pool, as water viciously splashed everywhere. Wilkins couldn't even make out the Colonel. The only thing he could see were the two dark outlines of the sharks going in for the kill.

    Wontkins stood by dumbly, oblivious to the frantic activity in the pool.

    "So what are yer thoughts on kumquats?" he asked again. "Yay, or nay?"

    Wilkins couldn't take his eyes off the activity in the pool. It was too gruesome...too unbelievable...too...huh?

    The splashing suddenly ceased. A calm came over the water. Colonel Barker's head bobbed to the surface.

    "Think yuh kin get rid of me that easily, kid?" he asked.

    Wilkins opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

    "I usta wrastle alligators bigger'n these goldfish with fangs in my early carny days," said Barker. "These two were nuthin'!"

    Wilkins noticed the sharks floating unconsciously.

    "Don' worry, I just knocked their heads around a little," said Rowlf. "They should be fine for tomorrow's shoot. Gimme a hand, willya?"

    Wilkins held out his hand; Colonel Barker grabbed it, and pulled Wilkins to him, face to face.

    "Ah have a mind to tie you up and throw you into this tank," said Barker. "Let the sharks have a real feast. But I unnerstand. You wanted revenge fer what I did, and yuh got it. Now we're even. Dontcha eveh try anythin' like this again, boy, or I'll make sure you don't walk away in one piece. Get me?"

    Wilkins nodded mutely.

    Colonel Barker climbed out of the pool.

    "Dang!" he said. "Yuh ruined mah suit! This was 100% cotton, yuh know!"

    "Hey Colonel," said Wontkins, as if noticing him for the first time. "Whut are your thoughts on kumquats?"

    "Never touch 'em," said Barker, wringing his sleeve.

    "Another nay," said Wontkins, mystified. "More fer me, I guess..."
  17. ChickyBoy37

    ChickyBoy37 Active Member

    This is good so far....Keep it up! ;)
  18. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

  19. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    And so, Wilkins and Colonel Barker buried the hatchet. Of course, Wilkins would have preferred to bury the hatchet in Barker's head, but he was content with a simple handshake. However, the shock of Rosemary/Kermit was enough to put Wilkins off women for the next twenty years.

    The other victim of Wilkins's wrath was Colonel Barker's expensive suit, which unfortunately shrunk in the water, so much so that the Colonel was unable to wear it ever again.

    Still, keeping his client's public face out of shame or embarrassment, the Colonel reported to the media that Wilkins vomited outside Chez Cheese Hut due to consuming bad fondue. There was no mention of his cross-dressing "date."
  20. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    The years quickly rolled by: 1957; 1958; 1959; 1960. The public couldn't get enough of the innocent (but deadly)-looking Wilkins and his unfortunate partner. And what beatings that partner took!

    Wontkins was blown up countless times; stabbed; burned alive; stomped on by the unseen "Old Man Wilkins"; shot out of a cannon; buried alive; fed to piranhas; forced to eat his own nose...when Wilkins felt uninspired, he simply bonked Wontkins over the head with a mallet. Whatever punishment was dished out, Wontkins took it like a man, and enjoyed playing the buffoon.

    "I'm sick of playing the buffoon!" groused Wontkins in the early autumn of 1961, shortly before a new batch of commercials were to begin shooting.

    "Mhm," said the Colonel, his attention focused on a full-page magazine ad that offered Wilkins and Wontkins hand puppets.

    "I mean it!" said Wontkins. For four years I've been on the receiving end, and I'm tired of it!"

    "Wontky baby," said Barker, looking up from the ad. "Yer an invaluable resource. Number one, the public loves seein' ya gobbled up by cannibalistic clowns. An' number two, yer indestructible. Wilkins could never do whut you do an' walk away unscathed."

    "I wanna be the straight man from now on!" demanded Wontkins.

    "Honestly, if I only knew what kinda substance you was made outta," continued Colonel Barker, "I'd have ya patented before yuh could say 'hula hoop.'"

    "Are you even listening to me?"

    "Somethin' about egg salad?"

    "I want to be the straight man for the next series of commercials, or I walk!" said Wontkins determinedly.

    "Whoah ho, hey hey," said Barker. "Less not talk crazy. I'm not yo manager, but I kin offer you a raise. Izzat whut ya want? A raise?"

    "I wanna shoot Wilkins in the face!"

    "How about a pony?"

    "You have twenty-four hours to decide, you neutered nincompoop," said Wontkins. "If things don't change, I'm leavin', and that's final!"

    "I ain't no nincompoop!" said Rowlf, but Wontkins was already wobbling out of the office. The Colonel stifled a chuckle; the sight of an angry blob wobbling away was quite amusing.

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