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The Legend of Wilkins and Wontkins

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Fan Art' started by Winslow Leach, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. Winslow Leach Active Member

    Wontkins is alone; he looks left, then right. He takes a sip of Wilkins Coffee.

    Wontkins: This stuff ain't half bad!

    Wontkins's nose grows, like Pinocchio's (hey, that rhymes!)

    Wontkins: Uh-oh...

    Wilkins enters and flings a machete at Wontkins, splitting him in half.

    Wilkins: I can't stand liars.
  2. Kiki Active Member

    I love this fan-fic! :D
  3. Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Yuh just can't keep killin' him," said Barker. "Time is money."

    "He's driving me nuts!" said Wilkins, smoking pistol in hand.

    Wontkins was on the floor of the studio, dead for the fifth time that day; but it wasn't part of the act. Wilkins shot him during each consecutive take for upstaging him.

    The Colonel had decided at the very last minute to give Wontkins a break, and at least try him in the straight man role. This didn't go down well with Wilkins at all.

    "Absolutely not!" said Wilkins, slamming the desk in his dressing room for emphasis. "Who does that little blimp think he is?"

    "Jus' give him one chance," pleaded Barker. "One chance, an' he'll see how hard yer job is."

    "Psh! My job is a piece of cake," said Wilkins. "All I have to do is look at that face, and a strong, violent passion rises."

    "Yeah, I know whut ya mean," said Rowlf. "I git dat feelin' too, but at least you get paid fer it!"

    "Look," said Wilkins. "You know I'm a bad actor. I know I'm a bad actor. If I get put in the blob's place, the whole country will know I'm a bad actor. Doesn't take much to flick a knife, or use a flamethrower."

    "We'll convince him da job ain't all it's cracked up ta be."

    "How?"

    "Well...fer one thing, he's obviously gonna use blanks and rubber knives, right?"

    "Obviously," said Wilkins. "He's made of much stronger stuff than me."

    "Tell him it's more fun ta use real weapons!"

    "Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind? Next thing you know, he'll be asking for real bullets!"

    "Yeah, yer probably right," said the Colonel.

    "He has cottage cheese for brains!" said Wilkins. "Even a complete moron like Wontkins will want to use real weapons, especially against me. Huh huh...I wanna use the boom stick!"

    "How 'bout we tell him he gets more lines than you?"

    "Ah, he doesn't care about that," said Wilkins. "All he wants is to show the public he can dominate me. Well it ain't gonna happen."

    "He threatened to walk," said the Colonel.

    "So?"

    "So ya member how unsuccessful yuh were before he joined ya?"

    "He's all talk, believe me," said Wilkins. "He knows I'm his meal ticket. He ain't gonna go anywhere."

    Despite his client's prima donna attitude, the Colonel still promised Wontkins he would have a shot in the straight man role...after the current commercial was in the can. The Colonel went completely behind Wilkins's back, as he didn't believe Wontkins was merely "all talk." This didn't sit well with Wontkins, who wanted his chance to star in the current spot, which was set in a mock-up of a rocket ship.

    "I wanna be the main spaceman!" demanded Wontkins.

    "Ah'm sorry," said Barker. You'll get yer chance once dis is finished, as early as this afternoon if you cooperate."

    "NO!" shrieked Wontkins.
  4. Winslow Leach Active Member

    On the first take, instead of saying his scripted line, "You think Wilkins Coffee is completely out of this world? Buddy, you must be from Mars!" Wontkins said "I enjoy drinking Wilkins Coffee...it sends me outta this world!"

    Wilkins shot him.

    On the second take, after Howard Tubman shouted "action!" Wontkins broke out into a song.

    "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaal!" sang Wontkins, dancing across the set. He received a bullet in the face.

    The third take was worse. Wontkins jumped Wilkins, and started biting him. Wilkins killed him in self defense.

    Wontkins gave a heartfelt plea for acceptance at the start of the fourth take. Unbeknownst to him, the camera was switched off, but he was so wrapped up and passionate, he didn't realize it. Wilkins had to give him credit. Wontkins really was a good actor. But being a good actor wasn't his job. Wilkins blew him away.

    The fifth and (so far) final take, Wontkins didn't say anything. He just sat there, unmoving. Wilkins grew impatient, cocked his pistol, and fired.

    "Yuh just can't keep killin' him," sighed Colonel Barker. "Time is money."

    "He's driving me nuts!"

    "He's drivin' us all nuts, but--"

    "I'm goin' to lunch," said Wilkins, removing his space helmet. "Whenever Sir Larry wants to work, lemme know."
  5. Kuriboh Man Active Member

    Man this is good.
  6. Winslow Leach Active Member

    The rocket commercial was never properly finished. It was cobbled together with clips of Wontkins from various other spots, which were naturally inconsistent and taken out of context. The final product went something like this:

    Wilkins and Wontkins in a rocket ship, wearing space helmets.

    Wilkins (into walkie-talkie) This is the Captain. I'm takin' a coffee break. (sips from cup) Mmmm. Wilkins Coffee is outta this world!

    (random clips of Wontkins inserted here)

    WONTKINS

    (under a tree) ...you...
    (standing on a wall; voice dubbed over) ...think...
    (wearing powdered wig) WILKINS ! !
    (at poker table) ...coffee...
    (shot by Wilkins with a cannon) ...oof... (sounds like "is")
    (under a lamppost in the rain) ...outta...
    (same clip of Wontkins standing on wall; voice dubbed) ...this world?
    (wearing sombrero) ...buddy...
    (being devoured by a shark; voice dubbed over) You must be from Mars!

    BACK TO PRESENT

    Reshot close-up of Wilkins pointing a gun and firing at something, off-camera.

    (older clip of Wontkins being blown away inserted)

    BACK TO PRESENT

    Wilkins: Man, you find the craziest creatures in outer space.

    Despite the editor's efforts, the spot was obviously a mess, and never aired. As a result, a previous ad ran in its place and the Colonel lost money. More than one observant viewer noticed a stale Wilkins and Wontkins commercial air that week, and letters began pouring in, addressed to Colonel Barker asking why.
  7. Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Aaaaaaaaaannnnd action!" shouted Howard Tubman. Wontkins, sitting alone on the wall next to a can of Wilkins Coffee, stared into the camera.

    "An energetic fellow like myself is always on the go. But when I need a break, there's only one thing I reach for: a nice steaming cup of Wilkins Coffee. Yum-yum. Can't get enough. Wilkins Coffee. I drink it. You'll drink it."

    "Cut!" said Howard. The Colonel and the porcine director exchanged worried glances. Wontkins was spot-on and professional, but the spot was boring. Yes, it sold the product, but it was completely devoid of laughs. The humor in the ads were a trademark, so much so that some wags dubbed Wilkins Coffee "laughing juice." Wontkins without Wilkins was like jelly without peanut butter; Laurel without Hardy; Abbott without Costello; Poca without hontas.

    Barker managed to get the stubborn Wilkins out of the studio for a couple days by sending him on a brief promotional tour, visiting some of the towns outside the city. "Entertain da hicks, boy," said Colonel Rowlf, "dey drink a lotta Wilkins." Of course, what was most enticing to Wilkins (aside from the money) was the chance to be away from the excess baggage, i.e. Wontkins. The Colonel assured him production would cease on filming new spots until he came back. And if the public noticed older material again? Barker already had a disclaimer ready before each ad, explaining to viewers this was a previously-seen spot, and that Wilkins was out entertaining fans in person...but would be back within two days. Barker's chief concern now was what to do with the new Wontkins commercial. Of course, he hoped Wontkins realized how much he needed Wilkins.

    "This is great!" shouted Wontkins. "How many more 'a these can we do today?"

    A chill ran up the Colonel's spine.

    "Hey, I can do imitations," said Wontkins excitedly. "What's say I grab a bowler and little mustache, an' do Chaplin shilling this stuff!"

    "Er...let's do it again," said Rowlf.

    "I think we should do it again," agreed Howard.

    "Why?" asked Wontkins. "I nailed it in one take."

    "Yeah but...I would like to try it in profile."

    "Not profile! That's my bad side!"

    "At least you don't look like Alfred Hitchcock in profile," said Howard, demonstrating. "So I like to eat. What of it?"

    "I don't feel like doin' this one again," said Wontkins. "Lemme do my Chaplin."

    Wontkins began doing Chaplin's famous walk...and fell off the wall.
  8. Winslow Leach Active Member

    Commercial Repeat #1

    Wontkins, as a burglar, breaks into Wilkins's house. As Wontkins searches the premesis, Wilkins appears behind him.

    Wilkins: May I help you?

    Wontkins (startled) Ahh! (points gun at Wilkins) Reach fer the sky, and gimme all ya got!

    Wilkins: How can I give you all I got if I'm reachin' for the sky?

    Wontkins: Uh...where do ya keep the money?

    Wilkins: Buddy, I don't have any money.

    Wontkins: No money?

    Wilkins: Nope. Just cans of delicious Wilkins Coffee!

    Wontkins: Ugh! Looks like I broke into the wrong house.

    Wilkins: Oh, I do have something you may like...

    Wontkins: What's that?

    Wilkins: A tiger!

    Tiger rushes on, catches Wontkins in its jaws, and runs off.

    ------------------------------------------

    Commercial Repeat #2

    Wontkins has a noose around his neck.

    Wilkins: For the last time, will you change your mind?

    Wontkins: No!

    Wilkins: We just need your vote, and I'll become president.

    Wontkins: Tough.

    Wilkins: What do you have against me?

    Wontkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee!

    Wilkins: Is that all?

    Wontkins: Buddy, that's enough!

    Wilkins kicks stool away; Wontkins hangs.

    Wilkins: Folks who don't like Wilkins are my biggest hang-ups...

    -------------------------------------------

    Commercial Repeat #3

    Wontkins is drinking a cup of coffee; next to him is a can that reads Brand X.

    Wontkins: Mmmm...

    Wilkins enters.

    Wilkins: Whatcha got there?

    Wontkins: Coffee.

    Wilkins: Is it Wilkins?

    Wontkins: Course not. Can't stomach Wilkins.

    Wilkins: Oh no?

    Wontkins: Uh-uh...

    Wilkins pulls a string; a 16-ton weight falls from the ceiling and squishes Wontkins.

    Wilkins: Wonder if he could stomach that?
  9. Winslow Leach Active Member

    Colonel Barker picked up Wilkins at the Waldorf Hotel two days after the coffee mascot left to "entertain da hicks."

    "So, how was it, boy?" asked Rowlf, as Wilkins finished packing his bags.

    "I felt like a trained monkey," sneered Wilkins. "The public are a bunch of morons!"

    "Hush yo mouf," said the Colonel. "Dese walls have ears. If just one guest hears that, your career will be ovah. Ever see A Face in duh Crowd?"

    "Was that with Jerry Lewis?"

    The Colonel sighed. "A Face in duh Crowd is about dis rowdy ex-con who gets plucked from obscurity, and turned into a national celebrity, based on his homespun charm. Unfortunately, fame goes to his head, and he becomes an egomaniacal monster. One night while he's havin' an angry rant between commercial breaks for a live TV show, his handlers have had enough, and unbeknownst to him, switch on da cameras in da middle of his tirade. Da public sees his true face, an' his career is ruined."

    "Hey," said Wilkins. "Do you think these morons will notice if I nick a few towels?"

    "Boy, haven't you been listenin' to a word I've been sayin'?"

    "Something about Jerry Lewis?" asked Wilkins, trying to stuff a hotel pillow into his suitcase.

    "Look atcha, yer shameless!" said Barker.

    "This is one comfy pillow. Hey Fats, do you think you can get me a deal with this pillow company? I'd like to sell them. Course I'll have to change the name to Wilkins pillows..."

    "Hurry up, we gotta be outta here by eleven."

    "Hey, look at me," beamed Wilkins, as he ripped the tag off the pillow. "I'm the worst possible criminal, hahaha! Or is that only if you tear the tags of mattresses?"

    "I'll be waitin' in da car," said Rowlf.

    "Hey, you know, I think this hotel is haunted."

    "Da Waldorf? Don't be ridiculous, son. This is one of the most famous hotels in da world!"

    "Yeah, but I swear it's been making fun of me since I got here."

    The Colonel stared at Wilkins.

    "Seriously. As soon as I checked in and walked into the room, I heard a strange old man's voice..."

    "Uh-huh. And what did dis 'strange old man' say?"

    "I've seen happier faces on the dead! Doh ho ho ho."

    "Da voice insulted ya?"

    "Yeah, that's all it did," said Wilkins. "It would make some crack like 'can I bring you home and put you in my cornfield? I wanna scare away the crows,' and it would laugh at its own crummy one-liners."

    "I think the road has gotten to yuh, boy," said the Colonel sympathetically. "Hurry up, huh?"

    The Colonel walked out the door.

    Wilkins filled his suitcase with complimentary toothpaste, mouthwash and soap, along with several towels and the pillow he wanted to sell to America under his own name. As he stepped out into the hallway, he heard the mysterious elderly voice one last time.

    "That Wilkins fella makes me happy. Makes me happy I'm not him! Doh ho ho ho!"

    That was the first and last time Wilkins stayed at the Waldorf.
  10. Winslow Leach Active Member

    The break-up wasn't supposed to happen. At least not as soon as Wilkins returned. Colonel Barker halted production for the day, paid the demanding Wontkins what he would have made, had he worked, and sent him home.

    Barker and Wilkins rolled up to the studio, where the Colonel planned to make up for lost time by shooting a couple of solo Wilkins spots, hopefully to pacify the egomaniacal star, even though in his heart of hearts Barker knew a solo Wilkins spot would prove deadly. Ah well. Maybe it could air in the wee hours of the morning, when the only people who would notice it were insomniacs or burglars.

    Colonel Rowlf flung the doors to the studio open...and stared in horror as Wontkins, chomping on a large cigar, was bossing a terrified crew around.

    "You idiot!" Wontkins shouted at the sound man. "The explosion wasn't loud enough! How am I supposed to blow up Brand X with a weeny of an explosion ? ! You're fired!"

    "Ahem." Barker cleared his throat.

    Wontkins turned. He froze at the sight of his boss, the cigar dropping out of his mouth. Wilkins gaped, open-mouthed.

    "Uhhhh...I was pretendin' I was...Erich von Stroheim," said Wontkins.

    "What's going on?" asked a perplexed Wilkins.

    "What are you doin' heah?" demanded the Colonel. "You were sent home."

    "Yeah, but I wanted to rehearse," said Wontkins, innocently.

    "Rehearse?" asked Wilkins. "Rehearse for what?"

    "Uh..." said Wontkins.

    "Uh..." said Barker.

    "Would somebody please tell me what's happening?" asked Wilkins.

    "The fat little tub demanded a few solo spots, so we had him star in a couple just to shut him up," said Howard.

    "Thank you, Mr. Tact," growled the Colonel. "Wanna tell us any other secrets? Like what's out in Roswell? What happened to Amelia Earheart?"

    "Sorry," said a downcast Howard. "Guess I opened my big mouth again..."

    "Wilkins," said the Colonel. "Please. Lemme explain, son."

    "So the whole promotional tour was a sham, just to get me out of here for a couple days?"

    "Pretty much, yeah," said Howard. "Ooh...did it again..."

    "While I was busy being mocked and insulted by my hotel room, this...this amoeba was shooting commercials? Actual commercials?"

    "Yuh know how he wouldn't shut up about it," said Rowlf.

    "That's it!" said Wilkins. "I'm through! Finished. Finito. This partnership is over!"

    "Aww, yer just sayin' dat," said the Colonel, hopefully.

    "Yeah? Be sure you're in your office all day tomorrow, Fats," sneered Wilkins. "My lawyer would love to meet you!"

    "Boy," said the Colonel, growing red, "need I remind ya yer in an iron-clad contract? Dat means ya gotta finish whut ya started. Y'all have five more spots you owe me!"

    Wilkins paused.

    "Fine," he said. "I'll finish the five. Then I don't want anything to do with blimpie ever again!"

    "Ditto!" shouted Wontkins. "I never liked yer anyway!"

    Wilkins left the studio, jumped into the Colonel's car, and burned rubber.

    "Hey! Dat's mah--"

    "Smart move, leavin' yer keys in the car," said Wontkins, shaking his head.

    "Dat's da **** of it," said a confused Barker, holding up his keychain. "I didn't!"
  11. The Count Moderator

    Yaey, an update! Don't make us wait that long fer another one! Post more please?
  12. Winslow Leach Active Member

    Yes, it's aaaaaaaaaallllliiiiiivvvvveeeeeee! ! ! ! ! !

    'Twill be continued...and there will be a very special surprise guest popping up soon! O_O
  13. The Count Moderator

    Well? Where is it? *Aims penguin cannons at Tony to get the update.
  14. Kuriboh Man Active Member

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