Here is a complete transcript(just saw this skit yesterday):
(SS theme instrumental)There's a tv set w/ the MAD TV logo and the camera zooms forward to that. Channel changes and it cuts to kids crossing a bridge, in a playground, and on the bridge again.
Song lyrics:
(Kids crossing bridge in a park)
Sun and(think it was "fun")
Joyful times for
(now in playground)
Everyone
Everybody here is feeling good
Won't you come on down and play
In your favorite neighborhood
(kids crossing bridge again)
Cuts to Big Bird's nest area. We see Big Bird in his nest area w/ the same red brick wall of the apartment,
some tree leaves around and there's his mailbox, drawer, bookshelf, and crates. Big Bird is feeling sick and he's making moaning sounds(BB looks more like the Halloween costume from a few years back). Two kids(played by two of the MAD TV cast members-a girl in a dress and an Asian guy in blue overalls-think he might be Luis? But we'll just refer to him as "Boy" throughout this transcript...)happily walk to his nest area(they act giddy throughout this sketch)
Girl: Hey Bird, what's wrong?
Boy: You look sick!
Big Bird(slowly): I feel sick!
Girl: But you should feel relaxed! You just got back from a long vacation!
(Gordon, wearing a pink collar shirt, walks in)
Gordon: Hey kids, what's going on?
Boy: He's sick!(short laugh track/pause)...and he just got back from a long vacation!
Gordon: Oh really Bird? Where did you go?
Big Bird: I was visiting my relatives in South East Asia!
Gordon(thinks for a moment and now starts to realise something): Whoa...whoa whoa w-wait a minute Bird! You might have the bird flu!
Big Bird: The bird flu? What's that?
(music starts to play and Gordon and the "kids" are marching to the tune. The song goes to the tune of Big Bird's "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ song. Also, I apologize for some spelling errors, if there are some...let me know)
The trio are dancing to the song as well, doing some moves.
Gordon: Adiant Influenza Virus Genesi
It's the most potentially devastating disease!
Adiant Influenza Virus Genesi
It could bring the human race to its knees!
Girl: It starts off as a tickle
In the back of your throat!
Boy: Next you're dead and buried
"Bye-Bye" that's all she wrote!
Gordon: Adiant Influenza Virus Genesi
It's the most terrific death you could endure
It's contagious and to this date it has no cure!
(audience applaud)
Cuts to a sketch...a blue background w/ a man and woman's shadows making words-first sounding them out and putting them together and the words are on the screen-it's from The Electric Company. You remember...
Man: F
Woman: lu
Both: Flu
Man: F
Woman: ever
Both Fever
Man: F
Woman: atal
Both: Fatal
Cuts back to the nest area. Gordon and the kids are standing next to Big Bird.
Girl: I know what will make you feel better! A big hug!(Girl goes and hugs Big Bird until Gordon interupts her)
Gordon: No, no kids! Don't handle him he's highly contagious!
(Girl screams and lets go off him w/ feathers falling out. Big Bird lets out a big sneeze...at the kids)
Girl(softly): Ewww!
Boy: You got us all wet!
(Boy sneezes)
(Girl sneezes)
Gordon(starts running off while kids are still sneezing): Oh no this is bad! This is bad!
Cuts to that famous brick wall w/ a blue sky and on the wall is a plate of chicken and walking down is...Cookie Monster. Cookie has a small yellow nose and big face. He looks more like Elmo)
Cookie(humming while walking)Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do-(stops and notices the plate of chicken)Uh-what this? Cookies? This not cookies! This chicken! Me not Chicken Monster! Hmm, who me kidding? Me eat anything, me complulsive eater!(eats the chicken, now he's finished but something's happening to him)Ohh...me no feel so good!(starts shivering)Me got chhiiilllsss! Me cooollllddd! Me soo cooollld!(screams and faints)
Cut back to nest area. The kids are next to Big Bird
Girl: Here comes Bob! He'll know what to do!
(Bob w/ a surgical mask, gloves, green shirt, and blue pants comes in pushing a wheelbarrow full of dead puppets. The puppets in the cart are three humanoids-two boys and one girl who kinda looks like Betty Lou, only w/ Xs on her eyes, a noseless Elmo, and two monsters one gray and one brown. The kids "happily" walk down to him. Bob parks the cart next to a trashcan-probably Oscar's. Bob has glasses and black hair in this)
Bob: Kids, you gotta get the (expletitive deleted-the "h" word) out of here...now!
Boy: What's goin' on Bob?
Bob: Y-yyou don't want to see this...
Girl(noticing the dead puppets and gets revolted): Ohh...Bert?(digs thorugh pile)...Ernie?...(now starts freaking out)GROVER?!!!?(almost about to weep) Oh no!
In the cart is Elmo, only without a nose, looking more like Cookie. nd he's got bloodshot eyes.
Elmo(giggling): Tickle me! Tickle me!(giggling, then coughs...and dies)
Big Bird: Did I do that?
Bob: I'm afraid so. You've spread bird flu to everyone on the block.
(music starts and Bob opens trashcan to dump the puppets into. The two kids are dancing to the song)
Bob: Everyone's infected in the neighborhood
(dumps puppet into can)Things aren't looking good
We'll soon be dead as would!
(dumps another)
Everyone's infected in the neighborhood
(dumps another puppet)
So we'll have to take our bird friend out!
(Bob slams trashcan lid shut)
(Gordon comes back w/ a can of gasoline)
Gordon: Okay everybody back away!
(Gordon goes over to Big Bird and pours gasoline all over him
Big Bird(notices gas smell and makes noises): That smells funny!
Gordon: Who's got a lighter?
Boy(giddily): I do!(hands Gordon the lighter then puts his hands in his pockets and smiles)
(Gordon is looking at him as if he's cuckoo or something-laughter is heard from audience. Gordon goes ahead and does what he has to do)
Gordon: Okay...I'm sorry my old friend
Big Bird: Well, I guess that's it for me(waves his arm)Goodbyyee friends!
Cuts to blue background w/ letter P coming towards screen
Grover(voiceover): Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter P...for Pandemic!(the word Pandemic shows on screen)
Cuts to the curtains(ones you'd see on The Muppet Show)and there's Statler and Waldorf. Waldorf has black beady eyes and Statler has a blue suit and a beard/mustache, almost looking like Jim Henson.
Waldorf: We're gonna get letters on that one!
Statler: Is it if anyone who watches this show can write!
(Statler and Waldorf both laugh)
No mention of Snuffy, Count, or Oscar(well except for that trashcan-and they could have had Bert, Ernie, and Grover in the cart(were mentioned but not seen)