The Muppet Show: Charlie Sheen (What's A Gnu?)

[Mr Sweetums]

Hi everybody, I wrote this back in 2012 when I couldn't stop thinking how funny it would be to have Charlie Sheen guest star on The Muppet Show, I got a little carried away so it's rather long, if you do read it I really hope you enjoy it and thank you for taking the time to read my fan fiction. I've got a few others, hope to share them with all of you.

THE MUPPET SHOW THEATER

The backstage is near empty apart from a few Rats and Chickens roaming around whilst Beauregard sweeps around all of them as Scooter looks over his IPad by the backstage desk

Beauregard these guys are so hard to clean up after

Sam the Eagle exits out one of the dressing room doors and finds himself next to Beauregard in this mess of Rats and Chickens

Sam the Eagle (looking around in disgrace) Why do I keep working here? Scooter, excuse me Scooter? (Scooter does not answer) SCOOTER!

Scooter (startled into throwing his IPad into the air) I know Sam, I know, theirs Rats and Chickens everywhere, I’ll move them out of the way

Sam the Eagle Well I hope you will… this is no way to run a theatre

Beauregard Run in the theatre? Don’t be silly Sam we don’t run in the theatre, we’re putting on a show

Sam the Eagle (disgraced) what am I still doing with these weirdoes?

Sam the Eagle begins walking down the stairs onto the first floor along the way he trips over a Chicken and falls all the way down the stairs. Kermit and Fozzie walk in as Sam the Eagle picks himself up

Scooter (running up to Sam the Eagle) Sam are you okay?

Fozzie Oh my goodness… Sam did you fall?

Sam the Eagle straightens his feathers embarrassedly

Sam the Eagle (looking around) that was humiliating (to Kermit) get rid of these rodents

Rizzo the Rat, Bubba Rat and Masterson Rat pop out from behind the desk

Rizzo Hey! We resent that remark!

Bubba Rat don’t make me send you flying home for the winter birdie…

Masterson Rat that’s not a very nice thing to say

Sam the Eagle (storming off angrily) ARGH! I should just heckle them from the balcony, why do I even bother to help?

Kermit Scooter has someone picked up Charlie Sheen from the airport yet?

Scooter yep chief, Pepe and Gonzo went to pick him up about an hour ago

Kermit Pepe and Gonzo?

Fozzie Bear Oh WOW! Charlie Sheen’s our guest star on tonight’s show?

Bubba Rat Charlie Sheen? Didn’t he go nuts or something?

Kermit He’s doing this as a favour to Gonzo, they’re really close friends apparently

Rizzo They would be wouldn’t they

Kermit (to Fozzie and Scooter) the show’s starting soon I hope this time we have a Guest Star

Fozzie relax Kermit, Gonzo is there with them

Kermit I don’t know why you think that would help

Fozzie Pepe is there too

Rizzo I don’t think that’s helps much either Fozzie

A Gnu randomly walks in backstage

Kermit good grief! What’s this?

Charlie Sheen walks in after the Gnu accompanied by Pepe and Gonzo

Charlie Sheen (to Kermit) that my green friend is a Gnu!

Scooter a Gnu?

Beauregard Gesundheit

Pepe come on now, we’re here already on with the show O’kay

Rizzo (to Gonzo) what’s wrong with him?

Gonzo he’s just eager for the after party, Charlie promised him he could come

Pepe (excitedly) Women! Bikini’s! and Pepe

Masterson Rat (to Gonzo) what kind of after party is that?

Bubba Rat one I want to go too

Gonzo it’s a Charlie Sheen after party

Pepe now where did I put my speedo’s? I’ve got to go look for them

Pepe runs off

Kermit welcome to the show Mr Sheen

Charlie Sheen I’m glad to be here Kermit

Fozzie Mr Sheen can I ask you a question?

Charlie Sheen sure Fozzie go right ahead

Fozzie what’s a Gnu?

Gnu I’m a Gnu

Kermit (to camera) sheesh!

Charlie Sheen (hugging his Gnu) and we have a great double act for you guys tonight

Gnu we sure Gnu

Gonzo actually it’s a triple

Rizzo (to the camera) it’s going to be one of those shows…



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Kermit walks on stage

Kermit welcome back to another Muppet Show everybody YAY!!!!!! And tonight’s special Guest Star needs no introduction although his Gnu might need one (before he walks away) I have no idea why either

Curtains Open – I’m A Gnu – Sketch # 1

Charlie Sheen along with his pet Gnu sing a classic song already done once by the Muppets on The Original Muppet Show titled I’m A Gnu Charlie Sheen and his Gnu joined by Gonzo s sing the whole song uninterrupted in a Zoo setting

Charlie Sheen A year ago, last Thursday I was strolling in the zoo when I met a man who though he knew the lot. He was laying down the law about the habits of baboons And how many spines a porcupine has got. So I asked him: "What's that creature there?"

Gonzo I answered, "Oh, it's a h'Elk"

Charlie Sheen I might of gone on thinking that was true, If the animal in question hadn't put that chap to shame and remarked…

Gnu I h'aint a h'Elk, I'm a Gnu, I'm a Gnu, I'm a Gnu, The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo, I'm a Gnu

Gonzo He’s A Gnu!

Gnu How do you do

Gonzo I’m fine thank you

Gnu I actually prefer thank Gnu

Gonzo what?

Gnu You really ought to k-now w-ho's w-ho's, I'm a Gnu, Spelt G-N-U, I'm g-not a Camel or a Kangaroo, So let me introduce, I'm g-neither man or moose, Oh g-no g-no g-no I'm a Gnu

Charlie Sheen I had taken furnished lodgings down at Rustington-on-Sea, Whence I travelled on to Ashton-under-Lyne it was actually, And the second night I stayed there I was woken from a dream, That I'll tell you all about some other time, Among the hunting trophies on the wall above my bed, Stuffed and mounted, was a face I thought I knew;
A Bison? No, it's not a Bison. An Okapi? Unlikely, Really. A Hartebeest? When I though I heard a voice...

Gnu I'm a Gnu

Gonzo he's a Gnu

Gnu A g-nother gnu, I wish I could g-nash my teeth at you, I'm a Gnu, How do you do,
You really ought to k-now w-ho's w-ho's, I'm a Gnu

Gonzo Spelt G-N-U

Gnu Call me Bison or Okapi and I'll sue, G-nor am I the least like that dreadful Hartebeest,

Charlie Sheen/Gonzo Oh, g-no, g-no, g-no, G-no g-no g-no,

Gnu I'm a Gnu

Charlie Sheen/Gonzo G-no g-no g-no,

Gnu I'm a Gnu

Charlie Sheen Gnu


THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS

Statler and Waldorf look on from their balcony seats

Statler that was terrible…

Waldorf horrible…

Statler I still don’t know what a Gnu is?

Waldorf I still don’t care what a Gnu is



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Charlie Sheen what have I just done, I’ve just made a complete fool of myself… have I really sunk this low?

Gonzo what are you talking about? We were great! It’s always good for me to show my sophisticated side every once in a while

Gnu Winning!

The curtains close and Kermit walks on stage

Kermit well that was different… a big hand of applause for our guest star Mr Charlie Sheen and now stopping crimes that probably aren’t even happening it’s time for Bears On Patrol


Curtains Open – Bears On Patrol – Sketch # 2

The curtains open on a Police Station with a jail cell located inside. Officer Fozzie Bear sits behind a desk doing some paper work

Officer Fozzie Bear (realising the sketch has begun) Wocka-Wocka! I convinced them to bring this old sketch back

Officer Bobo Bear enters the room dragging along Polly Lobster, Clueless Morgan and Mad Monty behind him as they struggle to get away from him

Officer Bobo Bear (struggling to keep them still) stay still you three

Mad Monty where’s my lawyer!

Clueless Morgan (to camera) where’s my mommy

Officer Fozzie Bear (walking up to them) So Officer Bobo what do we have here? What did these three do? Did they launder money? Did they steal the Queen’s jewels? Did they impersonate a famous celebrity in order to get a free meal?

Officer Bobo Bear no, no nothing like that, Kermit just doesn’t want them in the theatre is all and they don’t stop sneaking in

Officer Bobo Bear locks the three of them away in the jail cell

Polly Lobster (angrily) hey you can’t do this to us! Let us out of here!

Bobo Bear (locking the jail cell) that should hold you

Mad Monty we know our rights!

Officer Fozzie Bear great job Bobo

Officer Bobo Bear why thanks Officer Fozzie, I’ve been practising… Kermit hired me as the official The Muppet Show Security Guard did you know?

Officer Fozzie Bear (excitedly) he did? We have to celebrate!

Officer Fozzie Bear pulls out a bottle of wine from behind his desk

Clueless Morgan I don’t think you’re allowed to drink whilst on duty

Officer Fozzie Bear (worriedly to Officer Bobo Bear) is he right?

Officer Bobo Bear just go ahead and pour the wine Fozzie

Officer Fozzie Bear ai-ai Mr Security Guard Bobo Sir

Officer Bobo Bear (to camera) I actually like the sound of that

Officer Fozzie Bear (struggling to remove the cork) why won’t this come off?

Officer Bobo Bear (leaning into the bottle) let me have a look there Fozzie pal

As Officer Bobo Bear leans in to inspect the cork Officer Fozzie Bear is finally able to pull it out and it pops out right into Officer Bobo Bear’s eye, Officer Bobo Bear quickly covers his eye and yells in pain

Officer Fozzie Bear oh my gosh did I get you?

Officer Bobo Bear (angrily covering his eye) I think you did

Mad Monty these bears don’t look to bright Polly

Polly Lobster the orange one is that dumb bear who gave us his credit card number so we could compare how long it was to ours… remember?

Mad Monty I remember

Clueless Morgan me too… it was 5-4-0-1-6-9-8-0…

Polly Lobster (slapping Clueless Morgan) not the number you idiot

Mad Monty so how are we going to get out of here?

Polly Lobster leave it to me I’ve got an idea (yelling out) hey bears come here!

Officer Fozzie Bear and Officer Bobo Bear still covering his eye walk up to them

Officer Bobo Bear what seems to be the problem?

Polly Lobster we’re cramped in here

Officer Bobo Bear what do you want me to do about it?

Polly Lobster we know our rights…

Mad Monty Yeah! You either give us decent living accommodations or we’ll sue the fur right off your backs

Officer Bobo Bear (worriedly to Officer Fozzie Bear) I can’t get mixed up in another court case right now

Officer Fozzie Bear (to Officer Bobo Bear) don’t worry I’ll handle this (brings out his keys, opens the jail cell door, walks it and locks up behind him) let me see now (moving around) it’s not so bad in here

Polly Lobster (to Officer Bobo Bear) you come in here too

Officer Bobo Bear (opening the jail cell and walking in) I don’t really see the logic in that

Clueless Morgan (smelling Officer Fozzie Bear’s fur) you’re fur smells nice

Office Fozzie Bear looks uncomfortable as Officer Bobo Bear follows in locks up behind him

Officer Bobo Bear well what now…

Polly Lobster can’t you see how cramped it is in here?

Officer Bobo Bear but there’s only three of you, we’re five in here right now

Mad Monty that’s a good point, maybe we should even it out a bit and make it three again

Officer Fozzie Bear good idea

Polly Lobster (to Officer Fozzie Bear) can I have your key’s

Officer Fozzie Bear sure why not?

Officer Fozzie Bear gives his keys to Polly Lobster who opens the jail cell and walks out followed by Mad Monty, shutting the jail cell behind them afterwards and locking it up

Polly Lobster so now there’s only three of you in there… does it still feel cramped?

Officer Fozzie Bear maybe a little

Officer Bobo Bear remember Officer Fozzie we are much bigger than them

Mad Monty are you comfortable in there?

Officer Fozzie Bear not really

Polly Lobster good… idiots!

Polly Lobster and Mad Monty begin to walk away

Officer Fozzie Bear (realising they are locked in) hey let us out of here!

Clueless Morgan (looking at Fozzie and Bobo Bear) hello



THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS

Statler and Waldorf look on in disbelief as Polly Lobster and Mad Monty run into their balcony box

Polly Lobster (to Statler and Waldorf) can we hide here with you guys?

Mad Monty please?

Statler and Waldorf look at each other and simply toss them over the balcony



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Kermit appears on stage as Polly Lobster and Mad Monty rush past him

Kermit (shouting of stage) somebody take care of those two! (to the audience) And now for all you music lovers out there you might want to turn away but for those of you who’ll watch please enjoy the musical styling’s of The Marvellous Marvin Suggs and his Magnificent Muppaphones… Yay!!!

Marvin Suggs and his Musical Muppaphones – Sketch # 3

Marvin Suggs stands before the audience accompanied by his orchestra of Muppaphones and two mallets, one in each hand

Marvin Suggs thank you, thank you everybody, it’s wonderful to be here, now please hold your applause for I am about to create music

Marvin Suggs begins whacking his Muppaphones who begins making noises upon being hit



THE MUPPET SHOW BACKSTAGE

Charlie Sheen is sitting on the staircase with a bottle of beer in his hand His Gnu is there alongside him as is Floyd and Animal who are just looking on at him

Gnu Charlie maybe you should stop drinking, remember what your agent said… don’t let them find you drunk backstage

Charlie Sheen I’m such a fool (drinks) an idiot I am (drinks again)

Gnu well I wouldn’t say that

Charlie Sheen Charlie who people will ask after that lousy performance… I just sang with a Gnu on Sesame Street

Gnu this is actually The Muppet Show Charlie

Charlie Sheen Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, The Muppet Show it’s all the same

Uncle Deadly walks past them

Uncle Deadly oh my! Is this man drunk?

Floyd he’s getting there

Charlie Sheen I’m not… a Gnu?

Floyd maybe he’s already there

Gnu (to Floyd) you’re not helping you know

Floyd I’m not trying too

Animal (to Floyd) Animal eat Gnu?

Floyd maybe later

The Gnu looks uncomfortable as Charlie Sheen takes another sip from his bottle

Uncle Deadly you really shouldn’t be drinking alcohol back here

Charlie Sheen stop bothering me you stupid British Monster!

Uncle Deadly I would advise you to stop… this is a theatre after all

Charlie Sheen go back to England!

Floyd (laughing) oh man he’s gone, completely out of it

Animal WASTED!

Charlie Sheen I’m not wasted… who the *MEEP* said that?

Gnu Charlie calm down

Charlie Sheen shut up! Who do you think you are my mother? You stupid Gnu piece of *MEEP*

Floyd what’s that?

Animal *MEEP* Censor!

Camera zooms back revealing Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker standing behind them Beaker has been Meeping in order to censor out Charlie Sheen’s curse words

Charlie Sheen What the *MEEP* do you think you’re doing you *MEEP* *MEEP*

Charlie Sheen gets angrier, drinks a bit more and then grabs Beaker by the neck

Charlie Sheen Meep me again and I’m going to beat the *MEEP* out of you (angrily) that does it

Dr Bunsen Honeydew excuse us Mr Sheen but we’re just doing as we’re told

Charlie Sheen and what’s that?

Dr Bunsen Honeydew well apparently your Gnu here told our boss that when you drink you tend to curse at times

Charlie Sheen (angrily at his Gnu) did he?

Dr Bunsen Honeydew we don’t have the budget to hire a censor so we do with what we’ve got

Beaker (stepping forward) *MEEP*

Charlie Sheen (angrily to his Gnu) A censor! You made them censor me (drinks) actually that’s not such a bad idea… (drinks again) good thinking (to Beaker) you can proceed, you’ve probably just saved me from like three *MEEP* lawsuits… (to Beaker) You’re good

Sam the Eagle walks in backstage

Sam the Eagle is this man drunk?

Uncle Deadly apparently so

Sam the Eagle disgraceful… no wonder he got fired from that show

Gonzo rushes up towards them

Gonzo Charlie! There you are

Charlie Sheen well I’ve been right here

Sam the Eagle making a mockery of himself no less

Charlie Sheen hey Big Bird… shut the *MEEP* up!

Sam the Eagle well I never

Dr Bunsen Honeydew good work Beakie

Gonzo (to Gnu) has he been drinking?

Gnu I’m afraid so

Gonzo (concerned to Charlie Sheen) you’ve been drinking? But Charlie you had been doing so well the last few months

Charlie Sheen (dramatically) Gonzo… Gonzo…

Gonzo yes Charlie?

Charlie Sheen what the *MEEP* are you? Are you an Elephant, an Ant Eater or according to that one movie you’re an alien… so what is it then?

Uncle Deadly (to Sam the Eagle) I always considered him a Whatever

Sam the Eagle I consider everyone who works here a Whatever

Charlie Sheen (gets up and shoves Sam Eagle to one side) you know what!

Gonzo what is it Charlie?

Charlie Sheen I’m going to redeem myself right now…

Gnu how are you going to do that?

Charlie Sheen (drinks) I’m going to march onto that stage and give the performance of my life

Gnu I really don’t think that’s a good idea Charlie

Uncle Deadly yes Mr Sheen I’d hear your Gnu out, you shouldn’t go on stage in your state

Charlie Sheen (kissing Uncle Deadly on the lips) maybe that’ll shut you up mate

Charlie Sheen walks off followed by his Gnu

Gnu (to Camera) what’s a Gnu to do?

Floyd Charlie my man you’re one crazy dude

Animal Crazy!

Floyd just as crazy as Animal… maybe even just as weird as Gonzo too

Gonzo (having overheard Floyd) thanks you Floyd

Floyd (to himself) maybe not



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Marvin Suggs is still performing his song using his Muppaphones Charlie Sheen drunkenly walks on stage and grabs his mallets out of Marvin Suggs hands

Marvin Suggs hey what’s the meaning of this?

Charlie Sheen okay so what exactly is going on here? I just whack them?

Charlie Sheen whacks two Muppaphones using the mallets

Marvin Suggs stop that at once! This is my act, my original act!

Charlie Sheen so how about I change it up a bit?

Marvin Suggs and how do you plan to do that?

Charlie Sheen how about I whack you instead?

Marvin Suggs excuse me?

Charlie Sheen begins whacking Marvin Suggs on the head as he does so the Muppaphones all begin to laugh

Charlie Sheen hey this is actually kind of stress relieving

Marvin Suggs (as Charlie Sheen keeps on whacking him) stop this at once! Right now! (as Muppaphones laugh at him) Stop laughing at me!

Charlie Sheen keeps whacking Marvin Suggs and on occasions a Muppaphones or two but they keep on laughing

Charlie Sheen this is so much fun!

Marvin Suggs (angrily) you all find this funny do you? See how funny this is

Marvin Suggs begins picking up Muppaphones and tossing them at Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen Hey stop that right now!

One of the Muppaphones which Marvin Suggs throws at Charlie Sheen actually pushes Charlie Sheen who topples over the Muppaphones stand and lands right into the orchestra pit



THE MUPPET SHOW ORCHESTRA PIT

Charlie Sheen lands inside the orchestra pit right on top of the Tuba Player Whatnot alongside Nigel the Conductor, Zoot on sax, Lips on trumpet, Lew Zealand on flute, Crazy Harry on triangle and Dr Teeth on piano

Charlie Sheen (laying on the Tuba Player before passing out) Ouch!

Nigel the Conductor please mind our Tuba player

Dr Teeth I think Mr Sheen’s passed out until our next show

Nigel the Conductor is this really the best we could get?

Lips what an awesome dude

Kermit followed by the Gnu, Gonzo and Scooter rush up to the orchestra pit

Gonzo Charlie!

Kermit Mr Sheen are you okay?

Dr Teeth he’s passed out green stuff

Crazy Harry once a great actor, now a fallen star inside an orchestra pit

Scooter (to Kermit) what should we do boss?

Nigel the Conductor you need to get him out of my orchestra pit is what you need to do

Lew Zealand maybe we should smack him around with some fish?

Crazy Harry should we blow him up?

Kermit no, no none of that, I know what to do… Scooter get Vets Hospital on stage now

Scooter sure thing chief

Gonzo (holding Charlie Sheen’s hand) Charlie speak to me?

Kermit (to the audience) well that’s that folks that’s how you know this is a live show, mistakes and all

Gnu (to himself) and poor planning

Zoot (to Lips) what is that?

Scooter (to Zoot) that’s Charlie Sheen’s own personal Gnu

Zoot a Gnu? Huh… I thought he was into stranger stuff



THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS

Statler/Waldorf Winning!



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Kermit and now ladies and gentlemen please give it up for the medical errors of Dr Bob, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice as they try to heal their patients through laughter in Vets Hospital

Vets Hospital – Sketch # 4

Rowlf playing the role of Dr Bob alongside his two nurses played by Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice stand around Charlie Sheen lying on an operating table

Dr Bob so who’s our next patient Nurse Piggy?

Nurse Piggy that would be Charlie Sheen Dr Bob

Nurse Janice ooh wow a celebrity

Nurse Piggy (to herself) I have a different word for him

Dr Bob ooh wow a celebrity indeed Nurse Janice… you know what I love about operating on celebrities?

Nurse Janice what’s that Dr Bob?

Dr Bob if they survive on the operating table then they take you too their premiers…

Nurse Piggy and if they don’t?

Dr Bob then you’ve got a great story to tell at those medical meeting things with all those doctors

Nurse Janice (laughing) oh rully Dr Bob

Dr Bob so what seems to be wrong with him?

Nurse Piggy you mean right now don’t you?

Dr Bob (laughing) good one Nurse Piggy

Nurse Janice well apparently he fell drunkenly into the orchestra pit right on the Tuba Player

Dr Bob oh no that’s horrible… how’s the Tuba?

Nurse Piggy what about the Tuba Player?

Dr Bob he didn’t come here… so I don’t care!

The three of them laugh as the Gnu makes its way on stage up towards them

Gnu you know he’s seriously hurt

Nurse Janice like what are you supposed to be?

Gnu maybe we should take him to a real doctor

Dr Bob I am a real doctor

Miss Piggy (to the Gnu) he even has his own licence

Gnu his Doctor’s license?

Nurse Piggy no his Dog’s license!

Dr Bob and Nurse Janice both laugh along with Nurse Piggy

Dr Bob (to the Gnu) what are you?

Gnu I’m a Gnu?

Nurse Piggy you’re a Gnu?

Nurse Janice what’s a Gnu?

Gnu come on guys I already did a whole song and number about it can’t we just concentrate on Charlie…

Nurse Piggy Charlie who?

Dr Bob no Charlie Gnu

Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice both laugh

Gnu can we please get on with it… do you plan on at least checking to see if he’s still alive?

Dr Bob I’ll check

Nurse Janice ooh I hope he’s not dead

Dr Bob smacks Charlie Sheen on the head and Charlie Sheen moan’s in pain

Dr Bob my medical expertise tells me he’s alive

Charlie Sheen suddenly wakes up and looks around him

Charlie Sheen where the *MEEP* am I?

Beaker is found standing breathlessly alongside the Vets Hospital crew

Dr Bob you’re here in Vets Hospital my boy where I Dr Bob have just brought you back to life

Charlie Sheen (confused) you’re not a Gnu?

Dr Bob I know I’m not but what are you?

Charlie Sheen I’m a Gnu… I mean I’m Charlie Sheen

Dr Bob Gnu to meet you

Gnu that doesn’t even make sense

Nurse Janice like this whole sketch doesn’t make sense

Nurse Piggy you know what doesn’t make sense… this Gnu

Nurse Janice oooooooh

Gnu (to Nurse Piggy) excuse me but what did I ever Gnu to you?

Nurse Piggy (to the Gnu) stop talking to me

Gnu (offended) you don’t have to tell me twice

Charlie Sheen what exactly is going on here… am I performing right now?

Dr Bob well you gave quite a performance before apparently

Nurse Janice yeah like you totally fell into the orchestra pit

Charlie Sheen the orchestra pit? So that did happen (getting up and walking away) excuse me I’ve got to get out of here

Gnu (following after Charlie Sheen) Charlie wait for me

Dr Bob even when I fix them I still seem to lose them

Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice laugh as the curtains close on them



THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS

Statler and Waldorf just look at each other in disbelief

Statler maybe next week we should go to a hospital instead

Waldorf we should?

Statler yeah have them check our mentality… we must be insane if we keep coming here every week



THE MUPPET SHOW BACKSTAGE

Kermit along with Fozzie, Gonzo, Pepe, Rizzo and Walter gather together around the backstage desk

Gonzo what are we going to do about this Kermit? We need to find a way to help Charlie

Pepe I say we kick him out of the theatre and I take over as new host

Rizzo (eating cheese) how does making you the new host help anything?

Pepe shut up and eat your cheese

Fozzie I actually thought his song with the Gnu was pretty good

Gonzo I thought it was fantastic

Pepe I thought it was boring O’kay

Rowlf, Miss Piggy and Janice walk off stage into the backstage area

Fozzie hey great sketch you guys

Rowlf thanks Fozzie

Walter loved it… just like the original

Janice why thanks little buddy

Miss Piggy Kermit I need to talk to you...

Miss Piggy makes her way up towards Kermit

Kermit (to Miss Piggy) I was wondering where you were, I haven’t seen you all day

Miss Piggy let’s just say I’m in hiding… I’m not a big fan of tonight’s guest anyway we need to get this has-been no talent loser out of our theatre right now and that stupid Gnu of his too

Kermit but Piggy be reasonable…

Charlie Sheen I’m so sorry Miss Piggy

The Muppets all look up to find Charlie Sheen with his Gnu alongside him staring down at them from the second floor

Miss Piggy (shocked) Charlie!

Gnu and his Gnu… everybody always forgets to mention the Gnu

Charlie Sheen (walking down the stairs followed by his Gnu) I didn’t know I had no talent, that I was considered a has-been that night you came with me back to my hotel…

Miss Piggy (looking very uncomfortable) Charlie quiet now, shush (looking at Kermit) stop making up wild stories like you always do

Gnu ooh looks like the Pig was up to no Gnu

Rowlf (to the Gnu) maybe you should give it a rest… now is not the time

Charlie Sheen come on Piggy don’t deny it… you remember

Kermit (to Miss Piggy) what was that now?

Fozzie, Gonzo, Walter, Rizzo, Pepe, Rowlf and Janice all look at each other uncomfortably

Rizzo oh boy

Pepe the Pigs got pork I’ll tell you that

Rizzo (to Pepe) what’s that even supposed to mean?

Pepe I don’t know

Charlie Sheen it was nothing against you Kermit just a silly drunken mistake on my part

Miss Piggy (angrily) a drunken mistake on your part! Yeah you seemed like you were making a big mistake that… (realising she’s being caught out) I mean stop rambling you drunken fool now get out of our theatre!

All of a sudden Bobo Bear walks in dressed as a security guard

Bobo Bear Security Guard Bobo Bear reporting for duty… what seems to be the problem here?

Walter great outfit Bobo

Bobo Bear thanks wally (looking at Fozzie) I think it really brings out the natural colour of my fur

Fozzie (nervously) why are you looking at me?

Bobo Bear you know why (to Kermit) hey boss you owe me for this uniform

Kermit not now Bobo we’re in the middle of something

Charlie Sheen (continuing his conversation with Miss Piggy) so Miss Piggy where were we? (realises Miss Piggy is no longer anywhere to be found) Piggy?

Pepe I guess the little Piggy run home

Charlie Sheen I’m sorry I ruined you’re show Kermit

Kermit (offended) yeah-yeah fine whatever (walking away) thanks for coming

Kermit leaves

Charlie Sheen is he actually jealous? I didn’t even think he was really into the pig

Fozzie it’s complicated I better go check to see if he’s okay

Fozzie leaves

Gonzo (to Charlie Sheen) Miss Piggy? Really?

Charlie Sheen what are you complaining about aren’t you dating a Chicken?

Gonzo well we’re not entirely exclusive

Charlie Sheen why’s that?

Two Chickens walk in at the same time

Gonzo (looking at both Chickens) because most of the time I’m never exactly sure which one’s her

Pepe what a freak O’kay

Gonzo Camilla?

One of the Chickens probably Camilla happily makes her way up to Gonzo

Camilla Bawk!

Gonzo I knew it was you babe

Gonzo kisses Camilla on her beak

Walter steps up and approaches Charlie Sheen

Walter Mr Sheen do you mind if I ask… what made you do The Muppet Show in the first place?

Charlie Sheen well my publicist said it would look good for me doing this show and besides I’m really good friends with Gonzo

Rizzo you are?

Gonzo of course we are…

Charlie Sheen yeah we go to the same therapist

Janice you do?

Gonzo you don’t know how many times we’ve both met coincidentally ready to jump off the San Francisco Bridge… it’s a great sport right Charlie?

Charlie Sheen yeah it’s a sport buddy…

Walter what?

Rizzo it’s better if you just don’t ask

Uncle Deadly walks in backstage followed by Sweetums, Thog, Angel-Marie, Big Momma and Behemoth

Uncle Deadly (pointing at Charlie Sheen) here’s the drunk who’s ruining our show

Big Momma (angrily) is he now?

Behemoth maybe it’s time we took out the trash

Thog dirty Sheen

Charlie Sheen (worriedly) I’m sorry about before guys, I was a real mess but I’m all better now (smiling at the Muppet Monsters) look, see?

Sweetums that’s not a big enough smile to fool us

Charlie Sheen (worriedly) somebody get me the *MEEP* out of here

They are all surprised to see an out-of-breath Beaker wearing nothing but a towel with shampoo on his head now randomly standing next to Charlie Sheen

Pepe (looking over Beaker) Beaker have you been working out?

Angel-Marie (squeezing the Gnu) what’s this?

Gnu (moving away) do you mind? And I’m a Gnu

Angel-Marie you look delicious you do

Uncle Deadly Angel-Marie don’t eat Mr Sheen’s Gnu

Gnu (to Uncle Deadly) Thank Gnu

Uncle Deadly on second thought eat him

Gnu (worriedly) what?

Angel-Marie lunch time!

The Gnu runs away as Angel-Marie chases after it whilst the Muppet Monsters all continue to stare on at a frightened Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen come on guys… please now I just want to redeem myself that’s why I came on this show, I just want to show people who I really am

Gonzo what are you talking about Charlie? Everybody loves you, you’re the best!

Sweetums Mr Sheen do you really want to redeem yourself?

Charlie Sheen yes… I do?

Sweetums (angrily) then how about you join me…

Walter (cutting in) Mr Sheen if you really want to redeem yourself follow me… we need to rehearse quickly

Charlie Sheen follows quickly after Walter

Sweetums Mr Sheen! Mr Sheen! What about my suggestion…

Charlie Sheen pretends to ignore Sweetums and exits following after Walter

Sweetums (to Uncle Deadly) I was going to suggest he come help me feed the homeless down at the soup kitchen



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Johnny Fiama walks onto an empty stage as Sal Manila follows up behind him

Johnny Fiama well folks it looks like your host has left you looking at some beautiful red curtains but come on now how entertaining can that be am I right? (no applause) lucky for you all I’m here ready and willing to present the next act

Sal Manila you show them Johnny, show them you can be a better host than that Frog

Johnny Fiama come on Sal let me have my moment, leave the stage

Sal Manila if they don’t want to give you an act on their show then we’ll get you your own show

Suddenly the Gnu runs on stage still chased by Angel-Marie except now Thog, Big Momma, Behemoth, Animal, Big Mean Carl and Luncheon Counter Monster have joined in too

Big Mean Carl yummy Gnu

Johnny Fiama (to Sal Manila) Gnu? I think I’ve had that before tastes just like veil

As Johnny Fiama and Sal Manila talk between themselves the curtains begin to open forcing them to leave the stage

The Sedish Chef’s Kitchen – Sketch # 5

The Swedish Chef stands in his kitchen with a bunch of Muppet Fruit and Muppet Vegetables sitting on the counter before him

Swedish Chef oosky boo na veggie in da sal-sal

Muppet Lettuce what did he say?

Muppet Avocado from what I could gather he’s making a salad

Muppet Tomato that can’t be good for us

Muppet Apple (surprised) oh wow a talking Tomato

Swedish Chef (hitting them all with a wooden spoon) shush mi tu da bal a mix ta veggie-veggie in da bal

The Swedish Chef picks up one of the Muppet Vegetables and tosses it into the bowl in front of him

Muppet Lettuce this can’t be good

Muppet Avocado we’ve got to do something

Muppet Tomato I don’t want to be a salad

Muppet Lettuce I’ve got it!

Muppet Avocado what?

Muppet Lettuce sing!

Muppet Avocado sing? What good will that do?

Muppet Lettuce it just might get us out of here after all

Muppet Apple besides if his mother taught him right he will know not to make a salad with singing fruit

Muppet Avocado I don’t think his mother taught him anything (The Swedish Chef picks up the Avocado and places him in the bowl) Sing for your lives!

The Muppet Fruit and Vegetables all begin to sing “We’ve Got No Bananas” as loudly as they can

Muppet Fruit We have-a no bananas today, Just try those coconuts, Those wall-nuts and doughnuts, There ain't many nuts like they, We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,
Dark brown, and ball-bearing But yes, we have no bananas, We have no bananas today

The Swedish Chef stops making his salads and starts singing with the Muppet fruit

Swedish Chef noo banoonoos

Muppet Avocado it’s working guys

Swedish Chef/Muppet Fruit Yes, we gotta no banana, No banana, No banana, I tell you we gotta no banana today




THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS


Statler and Waldorf look down upon them

Statler I always wondered where that guy came from

Waldorf I think he comes from Sweden

Statler then he should go back there

Waldorf And he should take all of them with him


THE MUPPET SHOW BACKSTAGE

Kermit is approached by Miss Piggy accompanied by Annie-Sue Pig

Miss Piggy (yelling out to her Frog) Kermit!

Kermit upon seeing Miss Piggy makes a dash for it into Miss Piggy’s dressing room

Annie-Sue Pig (innocently) I guess he didn’t hear you

Miss Piggy come with me

Miss Piggy makes her way up the stairs followed by Annie-Sue Pig



MISS PIGGY’S DRESSING ROOM


Kermit might have escaped the Pig but he now finds himself being harassed by her Dog Foo-Foo barks crazily around him

Kermit heal, down… (to himself) where’s Rowlf when you need him?

At that very moment Miss Piggy accompanied by Annie-Sue Pig walk in and find Kermit being attacked by Foo-Foo

Miss Piggy Foo-Foo sit

Foo-Foo immediately does as told although continues growling at Kermit

Kermit (coldly) glad he listens to someone (leaving) I’ve got to get going now…

Miss Piggy shuts the door before Kermit can get out

Miss Piggy (dramatically) Kermie no please don’t leave me

Kermit I’ve got to go introduce the finale… oh and by the way that’s bad over acting Piggy

Miss Piggy Oh Kermie I don’t want to fight… please don’t be angry at me

Kermit it’s a little too late for that huh?

Miss Piggy I have come to explain myself…

Kermit (angrily) what is there to explain?

Miss Piggy (presenting Annie-Sue Pig) this here is Annie-Sue…

Annie-Sue Pig (waving) hello

Miss Piggy (to Annie-Sue Pig) Shush dear (to Kermit) she is my stunt double…

Kermit yeah so? What does this have to do with anything?

Miss Piggy the night Charlie thinks I went to his hotel well it wasn’t me….

Kermit what?

Miss Piggy it was Annie-Sue here…

Kermit (confused) what now?

Miss Piggy (excitedly seeing her plan is working) okay Kermie go with me on this now… are you listening?

Kermit I’m listening

Miss Piggy well Annie-Sue here… well it was her who went back to that sleazo’s hotel not innocent moi…

Kermit (confused) I don’t understand… but why does he…

Miss Piggy (pushing Annie-Sue Pig towards Kermit) you see Kermit, Annie here she lacks a certain charisma… a natural beauty too which Moi obviously doesn’t

Annie-Sue Pig looks embarrassed this whole time

Kermit I still don’t understand…

Miss Piggy don’t you get it Kermie? (begins pointing at Annie-Sue Pig) I don’t want to embarrass the poor dear but look at her… if she didn’t pretend she was famous and glamorous like me then she wouldn’t get anywhere in life…

Annie-Sue Pig (offended) hey

Miss Piggy (trying to play it cool) hey girlfriend

Kermit this is all very confusing….

Miss Piggy maybe it is but the important thing is you believe me right?

Kermit well I…

Miss Piggy oh Kermie I love you

Miss Piggy hugs a very confused Kermit as Annie-Sue Pig stands by watching

Kermit (breaking away from Miss Piggy) well I’ve got to go introduce the finale… if it hasn’t been done so already (to Annie-Sue Pig) nice meeting you

Annie-Sue Pig nice to meet you too sir

Kermit bye Piggy I’ll see you later

Miss Piggy (as Kermit exits) goodbye mon capitan…

Once Kermit leaves Miss Piggy slams the door shut and turns to Annie-Sue Pig

Annie-Sue Pig I’m glad it all worked out for you in the end Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy (angrily) not a word to anybody you understand me?

Annie-Sue Pig (innocently) I understand

Miss Piggy good, now get out

Miss Piggy opens the door, pushes Annie-Sue Pig out and picks up Foo-Foo from the ground

Miss Piggy (to Foo-Foo) did you see that foo-fi-kins? Daddy was jealous for mommy (happily/sadly) Kermit was jealous for me



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE


Kermit walks on stage ready to announce the final act when suddenly the Gnu runs past still being chased by the original group of Monsters as before except now Gorgon-Heap and Beautiful Day Monster have joined in too

Gnu (running past the audience) they’re probably going to eat me soon if nobody does anything about this… my legs are getting awfully tired


THE MUPPET SHOW BACLONY SEATS


Waldorf (yelling out at the Gnu) then just stop running!

Statler yeah you would be doing us all a favour



THE MUPPET SHOW STAGE

Kermit and now we have reached the end of another Muppet Show but before we say goodbye I proudly present Walter and Charlie Sheen performing one of my personal favourites…

Scooter pokes out from behind the curtains holding a pair of tap dancing shoes

Scooter boss… hey boss!

Kermit Scooter? What is it? I’m hosting

Scooter (handing him the tap dancing shoes) here these are for you…

Kermit (as he takes the tap dancing shoes) what are these for?

Scooter I’m not sure, Walter gave them to me to give to you… I think he wants you to perform in the finale with them

Kermit (looking back at the audience) well I guess I’m in this one too (smiling) and now Happy Feet! YAY!!!!!!!!

Kermit rushes off stage as the curtains begin to open


Happy Feet – Sketch # 6

The curtains open revealing a simple white background accompanied only by Floyd on Guitar, Rowlf on piano, Walter wearing a tuxedo standing on top of the piano with Charlie Sheen also wearing a tuxedo standing next to him, both of them wearing tap dancing shoes. Kermit soon rushes onstage and joins them also wearing a tuxedo and tap dancing shoes

Walter (to Kermit and Charlie Sheen) ready guys?

Kermit (happily) ready

Charlie Sheen so maybe this is a bad time to point this out but I’m not much of a dancer

Walter relax you’ll be fine just follow me (to Rowlf and Floyd) ready guys?

Floyd there’s nothing to it but to do it

Rowlf good point

Rowlf and Floyd begin playing their instruments as Kermit, Walter and Charlie Sheen begin tap-dancing and singing the words to the song as they do so


Walter Happy feet! I've got those happy feet! Give them a lowdown beat and they begin dancing!

Charlie Sheen I've got those, Ten little tapping toes, And when I hear a tune
I can't control my dancing heels, To save my soul!

Kermit Weary blues, Can't get into my shoes, Because my shoes refuse
To ever grow weary!

Charlie Sheen I keep cheerful on an earful of music sweet; 'Cause I got those happy la-de-da-da!

Kermit Happy feet! I've got those hap-hap-happy feet! Give them a low-down beat
And they begin dancing! I've got those ten little tip-tap-tapping toes, When they hear a tune

Charlie Sheen I can’t control the dancing, dear to save my soul!

As the three of them continue singing and dancing the Gnu is chased onstage by the Muppet Monsters who upon finding themselves on stage make the most of it and perform as does the Gnu

Muppets/Charlie Sheen All Those weary blues can't get into my shoes, Because my shoes refuse to ever grow weary. I keep cheerful on an earful, Of music sweet;
Just got those hap-hap-happy feet!

Kermit, Walter along with the Monsters, Charlie Sheen and his Gnu stay posing as they finish their song as the curtains begin to close

Gnu Charlie you were fantastic

Charlie Sheen (looking around him worriedly) what have I just done?

Kermit well folks that’s it from us please give a big round of applause for Charlie Sheen… until next time on The Muppet Show YAY!!!!!!!



THE MUPPET SHOW BALCONY SEATS

Statler do you think he managed to redeem himself from singing with that awful Gnu?

Waldorf he tap danced to Happy Feet with a bunch of Muppets…. You tell me


THE END