The Muppet Show script-Harry Secombe

[MartyMuppets]

IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW WITH OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR MR.HARRY SECOMBE

Season one style

Fozzie's joke: Can all of you jump higher than Mt.Everest? Yes of course. Have you ever heard of Mt.Everest jumping?

Curtain opens to reveal Harry and Piggy embracing each other on a park bench during a snowy scene.

Gonzo swings at the O, Piggy pops up, gets hit on the snout and karate chops Gonzo sending him flying up out of sight.

OPENING
Kermit: Greetings to you all and welcome to our show. Our guest tonight is the great Welsh singer Mr.Harry Secombe, and I'm sure you're going to enjoy his magnificent voice. But before you get to hear him sing here is The Great Gonzo to perform a rendition of an old rock and roll favourite with some very special co-stars. YAAAY!

OPENING NUMBER: 7 LITTLE GIRLS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT

Gonzo is driving an old-fashioned car with the scenery slowly moving along like on a thread to suggest movement. T.R. the Rooster is in the back with 7 hens.

Hens: Buck Buck Buck etc. similar to the do do do of the original lyrics.
Gonzo(singing) :7 little girls sitting in the back seat hugging and a kissing with Fred.
I said why don't one of you come up and sit beside me and this is what the 7 girls said,
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.

Gonzo: Drove through the town. Drove through the country showed them how a motor could go.
I said how d'ya like my triple carburetta and one of them answered low.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.

Gonzo: 7 little girls smooching in the back seat every one in love with Fred.
I said you don't need me. I'll get off at my house and this is what the 7 girls said.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Gonzo: All of them in love with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Wish that I could be like Fred.
Buck

Waldorf: Tell me Statler. Would you like to be like Fred?
Statler: No Waldorf. I'm a fred not.
(They laugh together)

BACKSTAGE

Kermit: (to T.R. and the hens) That was a perfect opening number chickens. Well done.
(sees Gonzo looking a little downcast) Ah cheer up Gonzo. You sang very good in that number.
G: I know Kermit. But I just can't handle rejection. What has Fred got that I haven't got?
K: Well Gonzo. The two of you are indeed very different. Maybe the hens all admire his rooster crow sound.
G: In that case I'll show them that I can crow just as well myself.
K: Do you really think you can Gonzo?
G: Of course Kermit. One day those chickens will find me just as attractive as my rival Fred.
Just listen to me. (takes a deep breath then cries out croakily) Cawk-a-doo-doo-dle-dooie!
(repeats it twice then Beautiful Day Monster runs up from behind with a club and knocks him unconscious to the floor)
BDM: The poor thing sounded like it was in so much pain I just had to put it out of its misery.
(BDM runs off before Kermit can say anything)

(Harry Secombe appears walking down the stairs from the dressing rooms)
K: Oh. It's Mr. Harry Secombe.
HS: Hello Kermit.
K: Hello there Harry.
HS: Kermit. I just want to let you know how very thrilled I am to be here on your show tonight.
K: Thank you. We're all so very pleased you could join us Harry.
HS: Tell me Kermit. Have my back-up singers for my first number arrived yet?
K: Oh yes they have. Hey everybody. Come and meet Mr.Secombe.
(5 or 6 cows surround Harry moo-ing at him.
HS: (smiling broadly towards the camera) I really should have been expecting this. Especially since my first number is to be MOOOOOOO-n River. (He laughs as the cows all start to moo again in response)

TALKING HOUSES

House 1: My son is in the law enforcement services. He punishes criminals.
House 2: Is he a policeman?
House 1: No. He's a prison center.

HARRY'S FIRST NUMBER

Kermit: And now ladies and gentlemen. It is my honour to present our guest star Mr. Harry Secombe to entertain you tonight with his melodious vocal talents.
(curtain opens revealing Harry standing in a cow pasture with a river nearby and a big, shiny full moon against a black background to suggest evening time. Harry sings while all the cows moo in harmony to the melody)

Moon river.
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossing you in style someday.
Dream maker.
You old heartbreaker.
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Moon drifter.
Off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend.
Moon river and me.
(the cows all gather around Harry during the musical interlude while he smiles broadly)
(Harry resumes singing) We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend (cows join in here) Mooooooo-n river and
meeee! (he raises his arms at this part and the cows all raise their heads in one last big moo together. Harry pats their heads during the applause)

Waldorf: That number was pretty stupid really. Weren't those cows annoying?
Statler: Yeah. They were pathetic. Made me sick.
Waldorf: Terrible.
Statler: Idiotic.
(2 bulls pop up)
First Bull: Hey. You can't say that about our lady friends.
W: Oh no. We didn't really mean it. We loved their number.
S: Yeah. Yeah. They were marvellous. Made me glad.
W: Delightful.
S: Brilliant.
Second Bull: Well you geezers just watch your step from now on.
(they depart leaving Statler and Waldorf shaking in their seats)

MUPPET LABS

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Welcome to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And I have some wonderfully good news for people who suffer from extreme hair loss such as myself. I'm really tickled pink about this. (holds up a bottle) Muppet Labs patent new hair restorer lotion. Watch how I demonstrate what it will be able to do for all you fellow baldies of mine. (he opens the lid and rubs some of it into his head) The effect is instantaneous. (hair starts to grow on him and continues to grow while he's talking) Now you will never have to fear the curse of losing your hair. Our new hair restorer works wonders to replenish your crop of beautiful hair to retain your handsome appeal to ladies. It is good. (realizes hair on his fingers) Uh maybe a bit too good. I think there are a few bugs to be worked out. (by this time hair completely covers his face and hands and a what-not dogcatcher appears and nets him)
Dogcatcher: Come on pooch. I'm taking you to the pound.
Bunsen: No. You don't understand. Ugh. (he is dragged offstage)

BACKSTAGE

HS: Kermit, I am so enjoying myself tonight. Who am I to perform with next?
K: Miss Piggy Harry.
HS: Miss Piggy? That's great! I have always highly admired her.
K: Well that's lovely. Why don't you go meet her in her dressing room and get in some rehearsal?
HS: Yes. I sure will.
(after Harry leaves George the Janitor appears)
G: Kermit. I have a big complaint to make.
K: What is it George?
G: I am getting sick and tired of having to constantly clean up the mess that the monsters are always making in the canteen. It has got to stop.
K: Okay George. I promise to do something. (notices Sweetums nearby) Oh hey Sweetums. I want to speak to you.
S: Yes Kermit.
K: Listen Sweetums. George here is very unhappy about the way all the other monsters are making messes in the canteen. It must stop.
S: Well I'm sorry Kermit. But it's really in a monster's nature to be messy. They can't help being what they are.
K: Nevertheless Sweetums, they are going to have to learn to change their habits. (notices a what-not appearing in the background) Hey Charlie. Can you come here please?
C: Yes Mr.Frog?
K: Charlie I'd like you to go with Sweetums and give the other monsters instructions in good, clean, tidy habits. They've been messing up the canteen and causing poor George here extra work. I'll pay you for your troubles.
C: Okay Mr.Frog. I'll do it.
K: Thank you. You'll be sure to help Charlie with his task, won't you Sweetums?
S: Very well Kermit. But I'm telling you it's all just going to be a waste of time. (He and Charlie head off)
K: Are you happy with the action I've taken George?
G: Yeah. But it had better gain good results or else I'll downright refuse to clean up after those monsters anymore.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I had planned to post this all in one go but it's getting late so I shall post as much of the rest as possible whenever I get back online.

 

[D'Snowth]

Well, it's all been great so far!

 

[MartyMuppets]

SONG-I DREAM OF JEANNIE WITH THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR

A what-not man rubs a lamp on a table in a nice living-room setting. A beautiful light brown-haired female genie appears in a puff of smoke. She giggles and simpers while the man sings to her.

I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Born like a vapour on the summer air.
I see her tripping where the bright streams play.
Happy as the daisies that dance on her way.
Many were the wild notes her merry voice would call.
Many were the blithe birds that warbled them all.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.

I long for Jeannie with the daydawn smile
Radient with gladness, warm with winning guile.
I hear her melodies, like joys gone by
Sighing round my heart o'er the fond hopes that die.
Sighing like the night wind and sobbing like the rain.
Wailing for the lost one that comes not again.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.

Jeannie: What is your command master?
Man: I would like a table booking for two at the most luxurious restaurant plus two tickets to the new blockbuster film at the cinema please.
J: Your wish is my command. (snaps her fingers and tickets and table booking appear in his hand in another puff of smoke)
Man: (turns and calls out) Mabel. I have them.
Mabel: (appears and embraces him) Oh how wonderful Herman. Let's go.
Herman: Thank you Jeannie. (they go off arm-in-arm)
(Jeannie watches open-mouthed, throws herself face down onto the table and starts to cry bitterly)

Waldorf: I liked that number but I really feel sorry for poor Jeannie.
Statler: I should have called out and offered to go with her instead. Then it would have gotten me out of this theater. Huh. (Statler sulks while Waldorf stares incredulously at him then towards the camera)

HARRY'S SECOND NUMBER-DUET WITH PIGGY

(Harry and Piggy are seated on a park bench during a snow scene with a large snowman next to them. They embrace each other as they sing Somewhere my Love)
P: Somewhere my love.
There will be songs to sing.
Although the snow
Covers the hope of spring.
HS: Somewhere a hill
Blossoms in green and gold.
And there are dreams
All that your heart can hold.
HS and P: Someday we'll meet again my love.
Someday whenever the spring breaks through.
P: You'll come to me out of the long ago.
HS: Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow.
P: Till then my sweet
Think of me now and then.
HS: God speed my love till you are mine again
HS and P: Till you are mine again.
(they cuddle affectionately at the end of the number and to their surprise the Snowman lifts his top hat and waves cheerily. They all laugh happily together)

BACKSTAGE

(Kermit and George address Sweetums)
K: Sweetums. George and I would like to know if the monsters are starting to be more tidy.
S: Actually yes Kermit. They have changed their ways and they promise to never leave the canteen in such a sorry state again.
G: Oh that makes me so very happy.
K: So Charlie really convinced them eh?
S: He sure did. All my fellow monsters ate a meal under his supervision very nicely and then they cleaned up after themselves when they had him for dessert.
(Sweetums leaves as Kermit reacts in shock. George simply turns his face to the camera with a dead-pan expression)

TALK SPOT

Sam the Eagle: Mr.Secombe. I want to express my absolute joy at having you on the show tonight.
HS: Thank you Sam. It's a privilege.
S: You have the most remarkable voice and I love to hear you sing the classic songs from opera and great musicals.
HS: That's very kind of you.
(Fozzie suddenly appears)
F: Hey Harry. You're my hero too.
S: Er excuse me bear. This is my talk spot with Mr.Secombe.
HS: No. It's all right. I always have time for my fans. Fozzie, I'm honoured to be admired by a comedian like you.
F: Yeah. You were one of the key inspirations to me becoming interested in comedy. Your comedian talents were so hilarious.
HS: That's true. I was a comedian as well as a singer. On the Goon Radio Show. I'm very pleased you remember those days of my past.
S: Well that's very good, but I was starting to say...
F: (cutting Sam off) One of my favourite gags that you did was speaking about how you were swimming ashore from one point to another.
HS: Ah yes. I recall that. As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. (Harry and Fozzie both start to laugh)
S: Uh. May we get back to the subject of your singing? My favourite...
HS: (cutting Sam off) Remember this line of mine Fozzie? When someone asked me if these two seats were taken. You know what I replied?
F: Oh yeah. You said No. They're still here! Wocka-wocka! (they laugh some more)
S: This is not the way I planned our chat time to go at all.
HS: (ignoring Sam) And my favourite one of all Fozzie. Have you any ink?
F: (on cue with the line) Right. Here's a fresh bottle aaah.
HS: (makes out he's drinking with his hand to his mouth and his head tilted back) GULP!
Aaaah. Gad. Was I thirsty.
(Sam gives up and goes offstage in disgust while Fozzie and Harry laugh so heartily neither one of them notices Sam leave)

Waldorf: Have you ever drank ink?
Statler: I would only drink it chilled. Semi-frozen like iced tea.
W: Really?
S: Yeah. But I would always need a bath badly afterwards.
W: Oh how come?
S: Well you know. Iced ink.
(Waldorf gets the pun and they laugh together)

VET'S HOSPITAL

And now Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

(As the narrator's voice is heard Piggy, Janice and Dr.Bob are all seen huddled around a small table in the left-hand corner playing cards. When they realize the sketch is starting they quickly stop their game. Dr.Bob actually throws his cards up in the air and they move over to the operating table. The patient is completely covered)

Dr.Bob: Okay. What is the matter with this patient?
Janice: We don't know Dr.Bob.
Dr.B: What do you mean you don't know?
Piggy: Well just listen to him for yourself.
(Dr.Bob pulls up the sheet to reveal the Swedish Chef who starts talking. No-one can understand him.)
Dr.B: I don't have any idea what he's saying. Where does he come from?
J: He comes from Sweden Dr.Bob.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I had originally intended to finish Vet's Hospital off, but I ran out of time to edit the post while I was watching to see what two of my friends would reply in another thread elsewhere. Sorry about that. The rest shall follow now.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Dr.B: Sweden! What on earth is a patient from Sweden doing with us?
P: We had him sent here by foreign exchange. Our english-speaking patient went to Sweden.
Dr.B: This annoying foreign exchange program is wearing me out.
J: You mean your patience's running out Dr.Bob?
Dr.B: No of course not. He's still lying on the table here.
P: Well, what are you going to do Dr.Bob?
Dr.B: I want you to boil some hot water immediately. And get some sugar cubes too.
J: Hot water? Sugar cubes? How's that supposed to help the patient?
Dr.B: It's not for him. It's for me. I need a cup of tea to calm myself down.
P: But what can we do for him? (pointing to Chef)
Dr.B: I have no idea. But maybe we can cheer him up if we give him a new pair of blue shoes.
P: Blue shoes?
Dr.B: Yes. But be careful not to step on them.
J: Hoo boy.
P, J and Dr.B together: Don't you step on my blue swede shoes! (they all laugh)

And so Dr.Bob has fallen into the culture gap. Tune in next week when we'll hear the patient say:

(Chef rattles off some more of his Swedish talk)
Dr.B: If any of you watching at home know what he's saying, please write in and let us know.

MUPPET NEWSFLASH

Here is a Muppet Newsflash.
Special report from Canada. Farmer James G. Giles has invented a new remarkable fertiliser that enables him to grow giant vegetables 10 feet high. Our cameras have contact with Farmer Giles now.
(Harry Secombe appears on the news screen as Farmer Giles)
Newsman: Farmer Giles. This is an exciting breakthrough for food production.
HS: Ooh-ar yes. With my new fertiliser mixture the problem of poor people going hungry will be immensely reduced. There'll be plenty of veggies to go around.
Newsman: Have you grown anything so far?
HS: Yes. Lettuce, carrots and pumpkins.
Newsman: May we see footage of some of them please?
HS: Aaar. Unfortunately I was careless and some rabbits got into the special fertiliser and they grew into giants and devastated my first crop. I am sorry.
Newsman: Are you just pulling some sort of elaborate fancy jest?
(He suddenly gets trampled by a pair of extremely huge rabbit legs running across the newsroom set)

BACKSTAGE

HS: Kermit. This show is one of the best experiences I have ever had in all my career. I loved the part I just played in that Muppet Newsflash.
K: That's good Harry. I just hope the Newsman wasn't too badly hurt when those giant rabbits ran over him.
HS: It's okay Kermit. He'll be fine. He may have a teeny little scar on his bottom lip where a rabbit's foot scratched him. But his injuries aren't too bad on the whole.
K: A scratch on the lip you say?
HS: Yes. He sustained a hare lip.
(Hilda appears with Charlie)
Hilda: Kermit. Charlie wants to speak to you.
Charlie: Yes Mr. Frog. I feel very lousy after what all those monsters did to me in the canteen.
K: Oh Charlie. I heard about it. And I do so sincerely apologize for the way you were treated.
C: I should hope you're sorry. I always thought it was unpleasant enough when a single muppet monster eats one of the rest of us sometimes. But when several of them do it at once. Believe me it is not something you ever want to go through again.
HS: You poor fellow. You must have felt terrible. All torn up and down in the mouth.
C: Yeah. Several mouths in fact.
K: Here Charlie. Have some extra pay for compensation.
(Charlie pockets the money just as Sweetums appears halfway down the stairs)
Sweetums: Hey Charlie. The gang were all wondering if you'd join us for a drink?
(Charlie races out the backstage exit screaming)
S: Uh well. How would you like to join us Mr. Secombe?
HS: (nervously) Oh that's kind of you but um. (places his arm around Hilda)
This lady and I have a booking for a restaurant. Haven't we Hilda?
H: Oh yes Harry. That's right.
HS: Maybe some other time.
S: Okay. (he goes back up the stairs)
(Harry and Hilda speak quietly)
HS: Thank you Hilda. We must always look out for each other in situations like this, mustn't we?
H: Yes Harry. Safety in numbers.
(as they go off together Kermit looks to the camera)
K: I'd be getting gray hairs by now if I wasn't naturally bald.

WAYNE AND WANDA

Sam: And now, here are the two greatest singers I have ever known. Wayne and Wanda.

(curtain opens revealing Wayne and Wanda on a balcony together. Wayne takes Wanda's hand)
Wayne: Take my hand. I'm a stranger in paradise.
(suddenly a what not woman races onto the balcony and starts beating Wayne with an umbrella while a what not man follows and seizes Wanda by the ear)
Man: How many times have your mother and I told you since you were a little girl Wanda?
DON'T EVER SPEAK TO STRANGERS!
(they drag poor Wanda off stage leaving Wayne dazed and confused)

 

[MartyMuppets]

I will post up the last of this script as soon as possible.

 

[D'Snowth]

Ha ha, loved the "DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS" bit! Hilarious!

 

[Kiki]

That's fantastic, Marty! v.v. funny in parts, too! keep up the great work!!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Thank you Katie. I know you're going to love the final bit.