The Muppet Show Script- Tim Brooke-Taylor

[MartyMuppets]

IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW FEATURING OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR MR. TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR

Season one style

Fozzie's joke: I asked out a lollipop lady but had to call it off on account of her boyfriend. He had me well and truly licked.

curtain opens revealing Tim in his outfit for the closing number, guitar in hand surrounded by Rowlf, Piggy, Hilda, George, the Newsman, a chicken and a what-not.

Gonzo swings at the O stopping just in time as he realizes it's a mirror saying "Whew. That was close. I don't need 7 years of bad luck."

INTRODUCTION
Kermit: Hi-ho. Hi-ho. Welcome to yet another Muppet Show. Folks we had a spectacular show planned for you tonight. We tried to book as guest stars that great trio of British comedians who had their very own television series, The Goodies. Unfortunately two of them had prior commitments. But we did get one of them at least.
Statler: (calling down) Well, two out of three isn't a bad score frog.
(He and Waldorf laugh)
(Kermit briefly scrunches up his face then shrugs it off)
K: As I said, we have one of the Goodies with us tonight. Mr. Tim Brooke-Taylor.
But first I give you Dr.Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Yaaaay!

(curtain opens revealing Dr.Teeth in the middle of the stage with his keyboard, Floyd and Zoot on his left, Janice on his right and Animal up above them on a stand with his drum kit. The band perform Livin' next door to Alice, Dr.Teeth doing main vocals with Floyd joining him in parts)
Dr.T: Sally called when she got the word,
She said, I suppose you've heard about Alice.
Well, I rushed to the window, and I looked outside
I could hardly believe my etes
As a big limousine rolled up into Alice's drive.

Dr.T&F: Don't know why she's leaving, or where she's gonna go.
I guess she's got her reasons but I just don't want to know
'cos for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice.
Twenty-four years just waiting for the chance
To tell her how I feel and maybe get a second glance.
Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice.

Dr.T: We grew up together two kids in the park.
We carved our initials deep in the bark, me and Alice.
Now she walks through the door with her head held high.
Just for a moment, I caught her eye.
A big limousine pulled slowly out of Alice's drive.
Sally called back and asked how I felt
And she said,
Janice singing Sally's line: hey I know how to help-get over Alice
Dr.T: She said
J: now Alice is gone but I'm still here.
You know I've been waiting for twenty-four years.
Dr.T: And the big limousine disappeared.

Dr.T&F: Don't know why she's leaving, or where she's gonna go.
I guess she's got her reasons but I just don't want to know
'cos for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice.
Twenty-four years just waiting for the chance
To tell her how I feel and maybe get a second glance.
Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice.

Animal yelling his head off: No. I'll never get used to not living next door to Alice!
(the band plays the final chord as their number ends)

Waldorf: I used to live next door to somebody named Alice.
Statler: Did she move away too?
Waldorf: No. She chased this white rabbit down a hole one day and I've never seen her since.

 

[Skye]

Awesome start, Marty... I love it so far! Cute Fozzie joke at the beginning, and very, very cute Statler and Waldorf joke at the end! (Ha, as I was writing Waldorf, I accidentally wrote "Waldork"... that kinda works for him too, doesn't it? ) Great Electric Mayhem song leading up to that joke, too. Can't wait to see what else you've got in store for us here!

 

[D'Snowth]

Great stuff so far Marty, I especially like Fozzie's joke during the intro about the lollipop lady's boyfriend having him well and truely licked.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Backstage
(the Mayhem members all come offstage in the background while Fozzie and Kermit talk to each other)
Fozzie: I'm so excited about Tim Brooke-Taylor being on our show tonight Kermit. I can't wait to meet him.
Kermit: Wait no longer Fozzie. Here he comes now.
(Tim appears as Fozzie gasps open-mouthed)
TBT: Hello Kermit. Hello Fozzie.
F: Tim! Oh, I'm so honoured to meet you.
K: Hi Tim.
F: Tim. Will you share my monologue tonight?
TBT: Uh, well Fozzie. Truth is I asked Kermit if I could have a monologue of my own before you do yours.
F: What? Why?
TBT: Well you see. After sharing the spotlight with my two partners for so very long, I'd like to do my comedy alone for a change.
F: Ah-ah-ah-aaaahh! (faints)
TBT: Dear me. I hope he isn't too disappointed.
K: It's okay Tim. He handled it bearly well for himself.
TBT: (laughs and adds) I suppose he'll grin and bear it.
(they both laugh some more)
TBT: I'm going to my dressing room now Kermit. You'll keep me posted for my first sketch, won't you?
K: Of course Tim.
(what-not dressed like a postman appears) : Hey. Listen now. He must be posted with a stamp or the delivery cost will be doubled.
(Tim looks towards the camera for an astonished close-up)

Swedish Chef-Tossed Salad.

(The Chef waves two serving forks around and throws them into the air as he sings)
Chef: Hii dos vii a yoo adiska doo. Ying yong a fisdera boo bork bork bork.
Enguser a soo la toosed salud. (picks up a bowl full of chopped up salad ingrediants) Thees here a der salud. Und noo der toos. (he shakes the bowl up and down sending the salad spilling out all over the table as he cries out about "toosing der salud" Finally the bowl flies out of his hands and crashes upon the floor. He picks up a lettuce leaf off the table and starts to eat it) Toosed salud es derlish.

Dressing room scene
(Scooter, Gonzo and Hilda are with Tim)
Scooter: Mr.Brooke-Taylor, we're very happy to have you with us.
Gonzo: And we want to do all we can to make you feel at home.
Tim: That's very nice thank you.
Hilda: Would you like anything to help you relax before your first sketch?
TBT: (thinking for a moment) Well Hilda. A lovely, soothing massage would really hit the spot.
H: Okay. Gonzo, go and get a masseur for Tim Brooke-Taylor.
G: Check. (leaves and reappears five seconds later with Sweetums.) I ran into Sweetums just outside. He's volunteered.
(Scooter, Hilda and Gonzo exit and close the door. From outside they all hear heavy thumping sounds along with Tim crying things like "Ow!" and "Oof!" and "Mummy!" In half a minute Sweetums comes out,
Sweetums: It's over. (he departs)
(the trio go inside to see Tim bent double over a chair, rubbing his back.)
H: Uh. How do you feel Tim?
TBT: (looking up with a pained expression on his face) That was the ooooh, best uh, massage I ever, ugh, had.
G: Wow. I can see that. I must ask Sweetums to give me one sometime.

 

[Skye]

Haha, I love it so far, Marty! Very cute new part! I adore the "bear" jokes between Kermit and Tim, I adooooore the Swedish Chef part, hehe, and I love the massage Sweetums gives Tim! Totally cute and awesome, Marty! Looking forward to when you post some more!

 

[Kiki]

Haha! I love it Marty my man, esp. Fozzie's joke! Keep up the good work!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Song
(2 rabbits are in a forest scene. The male sings sweetly to the female.)
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade.
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over,
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter Parade.
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure.
Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet,
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter Parade.
(During an interlude he presents her with a beautiful blue and pink bonnet. She puts it on with a squeal of glee and the 6 pigs from season one appear dressed as news photographers taking pictures as he resumes singing)
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure.
I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet,
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter Parade.
(they embrace as the pigs keep taking photos)

Statler: That was a ham and egg number.
Waldorf: What do you mean?
S: Well those pigs hammed it up and the singing rabbit laid an egg.
W: Don't tell me.
W and S: An Easter Egg. (they laugh together)

Kermit: And now it is time to present our special guest tonight. Mr.Tim Brooke-Taylor.
(curtain opens revealing the scene of a posh restaurant. Various what-nots sit around the tables and Behemoth sits by himself at one table. Tim enters from the kitchens dressed as a waitor.)
TBT: Welcome ladies and gentlemen. You have made a wise choice coming to eat here. I can assure you our food is absolutely delicious.
(Behemoth suddenly eats his plate, silverware, napkin and even the flower in a vase on his table)
TBT: Uh. I can see sir that obviously you must be very hungry. Don't worry. There's plenty of food and um, dishes and everything else as well.
(approaching a woman's table) What would you like miss?
Woman: I'd like a serve of oysters please.
TBT: (writing the order down) Oyster. Coming right up.
(he goes into the kitchen and comes straight back out with the woman's order. But as he prepares to give it to her, Behemoth suddenly runs over and eats it, dish and all. Tim is taken aback.)
Now see here sir. I could understand you being so hungry enough to do what you did before, but that was just plain bad manners. I'll thank you not to do it again. Don't worry miss. I'll get you some more oysters.
(turns to a couple at the next table, starts to ask them what they would like and Behemoth lunges over and snatches his paper and pencil out of his hands and eats them)
Now sir if you're going to be so rude I must ask you to leave.
(Behemoth just ignores Tim and proceeds to run from table to table eating everything in sight on them. Tim is getting nervous and chases him.) Stop it. I'm warning you. If you don't behave I'll tell your mummy on you. I'll report you to Santa and you'll get nothing for Christmas this year.
(By now everybody is getting very cheesed off)
One man: This stinks. I'm going to look for a more enjoyable place to eat.
(everybody else agrees and off they all go)
TBT: (crying out to them) No! Please don't go everybody. I promise I will do something about this man. (as he turns back to Behemoth, the others all ignore him and exit) Listen you. You. You. You. (bursting into tears) Please be polite. I'll do anything. Anything at all. (while Behemoth ignores Tim he turns around seeing the empty restaurant. Tim puts his elbows on a table, burying his face in his hands, crying his eyes out)

 

[MartyMuppets]

Song
(2 rabbits are in a forest scene. The male sings sweetly to the female.)
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter Parade.
I'll be all in clover and when they look you over,
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter Parade.
On the avenue, Fifth Avenue, the photographers will snap us
And you'll find that you're in the rotogravure.

Incidentally I tried to find the meaning of rotogravure, but it isn't in my dictionary. If anyone can tell me what it means I'd be most appreciative.

 

[Skye]

Very cute new part, Marty! Hehe, oh my gosh, I haven't heard that song in so long, I love that you put that in there! Great joke by Statler and Waldorf, too. And good ol' Behemoth... ya gotta love him! Well, I guess Tim didn't! But very nice, I loved this! Can't wait for more!

Now, for "rotogravure." I didn't know the meaning of it either, so I checked my dictionary, and it was in there and (you're not gonna believe this...) it said the meaning was "photogravure"! I was like, you've gotta be kidding me, lol. So, I looked that word up and it pretty much said that it's a process for printing things that are made by "photographic methods." I hope that helped you!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Thanks Caroline. But you're right. I can't believe it. It's like the answer was the most obviously relevant one all the time. Very funny in retrospection isn't it?

Thank you once again for clearing that up for me. Heh heh. Tim's really not going to like Behemoth at all when you read the next new bit I've thought up to try to to bridge the parts of my outline in flowing continuity.