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The Muppet Show with Billy Joel

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by cjd874, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. cjd874

    cjd874 Well-Known Member

    with special guest star Billy Joel​
    (season 4)​

    Cold Open:
    (Scooter knocks on the door and enters.)
    Scooter: Billy Joel? Fifteen seconds ‘til curtain, Mr. Joel!
    Billy Joel: Thank you, Scooter. (Billy is in a T-shirt, and is working out with a punching bag. He wipes his brow with a towel as Scooter walks up to him.)
    Scooter: Say, Billy, I didn’t know you could box! That’s some impressive stuff you’re doing there.
    Billy: Oh, thanks, Scooter. I love boxing, you know. It keeps me fit as a fiddle.
    (A muscular fiddle, played by Jerry Nelson using a Biff-like voice, runs in.)
    Fiddle: Hey, mac! You say you’re good at boxing? Well, I’ll be the judge of that! (begins throwing punches toward Billy’s direction)
    Billy: You talkin’ to me, buddy?
    Fiddle: Yeah, curly, I was talkin’ to you. Now are you gonna show me what you got, or do I hafta get tough?
    (Billy promptly hits the fiddle with a fierce right hook, sending the fiddle flying across the room and through the wall. Scooter stares at Billy in astonishment.)
    Scooter: Boy, you sure took care of him!
    Billy: Yeah…that’s because I refuse to be second fiddle to anybody.
    (laughter from audience)
    Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, BILLY JOEL!!! Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!! (Audience bursts into applause and cheers as the Season 4 theme plays. Then we cut to the balcony, where Statler and Waldorf are tied to their chairs. Gonzo is standing behind them in a daredevil outfit.)
    Gonzo: And now for my first trick, I shall make these men sit through this show!
    Statler: Good luck with that! HELP!!!
    It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational...
    Gonzo's horn: a traffic jam sound effect plays, startling Gonzo.
    Introduction/Opening Number:
    Kermit: Thank you, thank you! Good evening, and welcome to the Muppet Show! And boy, do we have a great one for you, because our special guest is one of the biggest stars in all of music, Mr. Billy Joel! (Fozzie Bear enters.)
    Fozzie: Excuse me, Kermit. I’m sorry for interrupting.
    Kermit: Fozzie, I’m trying to introduce our guest star.
    Fozzie: I know, Kermit, but…what’s our guest star’s name again?
    Kermit: Billy Joel.
    Fozzie: Doesn’t he have a last name? (laughter from audience)
    Kermit: Uh, Fozzie, that IS his last name. His name is Billy Joel.
    Fozzie: Oh. (pauses) I knew that. Just testing you, Kermit! Aaaaahhh…carry on, frog. (points at Kermit) Carry! On! Frog! Hoo boy…(exits awkwardly)
    Kermit: Uh, sorry about that, folks. Anyway, our guest star hails from New York, so this number should make him feel right at home! Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number! (Kermit exits and the curtain opens, revealing a giant New York City landscape complete with skyscrapers, stores, and vehicles.)
    Link Hogthrob, in a pinstriped suit and fedora, sings Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” while walking around NYC. In addition to an assortment of penguins, chickens, pigs, rats, and Whatnots, Miss Piggy strolls by in a fur coat; Scooter rides by on a skateboard; Gonzo drives a car filled with chickens; Fozzie plays a hot dog vendor; and Floyd and Janice appear as street musicians. Finally, Beauregard drives a taxicab onstage, sending the Muppets scrambling in all directions. Applause and laughter at the end.
    Statler: That number just reminded me of the years I spent in New York.
    Waldorf: Why do you say that?
    Statler: Because I’d rather not think about EITHER!
    Both: Doooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!!
    Backstage Scene #1:
    Kermit: Great job, everyone! Wonderful! (Car engine sounds are heard. Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Floyd, Janice, and a bunch of penguins and chickens are screaming and running for their lives. Beauregard tries to steer the out-of-control taxicab, but unfortunately, he crashes offscreen. Then he staggers back into the frame.)
    Kermit: Beauregard, are you okay?
    Beauregard: Yes, Kermit, I’m okay…just a tiny boo-boo on my head.
    Kermit: You know we’re going to have to pay for repairs now!
    Beauregard: You mean for the wall?
    Kermit: No, for the cab. It was a rental. (Audience laughs as Bo leaves, still holding his head. Billy enters, and the audience applauds.)
    Kermit: Good grief, it’s Billy Joel! (walks toward Billy) Hi there, Billy. Great to see you! I hope you’re enjoying the show so far.
    Billy: Yeah, it’s been great, Kermit. I really enjoyed that first number…it made me feel like I was right back in New York.
    Kermit: Yeah, we did our best to make you feel right at home. We had the streets, the trucks, the buildings…we even had a real taxi cab!
    Billy: With emphasis on “HAD.” (laughter, and Kermit chuckles) But believe me: it was really good, Kermit. You know, it was so good that it put me right in that New York state of mind again. (Crazy Harry pops up.)Crazy Harry: Did someone say “mine?” Ah-hahahahah!!!
    (Billy steps back in alarm and sets off a mine, causing a huge explosion. Crazy Harry runs off laughing manically as the smoke clears.)
    Kermit: Billy! Oh, no! Are you all right?
    Billy: Yeah, I’m fine, Kermit. It’s fine. (coughs and waves the smoke away) No problem. There’s more smoke in New York anyway. (laughter from audience)
    Kermit: Okay…hey, Billy, you should get ready for the next number! I’ll go introduce you now! (exits)
    Billy: Oh, that’s right! Man, I can hardly believe it. I’m finally going to do my number! This is going to be dynamite! (Crazy Harry pops up again.)
    Crazy Harry: Did someone say “dynamite?” Ahahahahahaha!!! (Crazy Harry sets off an explosion with his detonator and quickly exits, laughing hysterically.)
    Billy: Does this kind of stuff happen all the time? (Scooter enters.)
    Scooter: You nailed it right on the head. (Then an oversized hammer comes down and hits Scooter square on the head. Scooter faints, and the audience laughs.)
    Musical Number:
    (fanfare as Kermit enters)
    Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to welcome our special guest. He is a true star in today’s music business, and I can assure you that this number will be a blast! (Harry enters.)
    Crazy Harry: You said BLAST!!! Haaaaah-hahahaha!!! (He sets off another explosion and runs off, laughing. Kermit rises in a daze.)
    Kermit: Uhhh, here he is: the one and only BILLY JOEL! (audience applauds and cheers as the curtain opens)
    The camera is focused on a stained-glass window, and then cuts to Billy Joel, sitting at a white piano and wearing a priest’s robe and a gold cross necklace. He performs “Only the Good Die Young,” backed by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Dr. Teeth tickles the Hammond organ, Animal thumps his drum kit, Floyd walks on the bass, Janice strums an acoustic guitar, and Zoot wails on his saxophone. Loud applause and cheers at the end.)
    Statler: Do you really believe that only the good die young?
    Waldorf: If that’s true, then we’ve never been good in our lives!
    Both: Doooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!!
    Backstage Scene #2:
    (Kermit is at his desk when Floyd, Zoot, and Animal enter.)
    Floyd: Hey, Zoot, what did the priest say when he ate his first hamburger?
    Zoot: Beats me, man. What’d he say?
    Floyd: “Holy cow!” Haaaaaah-hahahahahaaa!!! (Everyone laughs.)
    Animal: AAAAHHH!!! FUN-NEE! FUN-NEE! (Floyd, Zoot, and Animal exit, and Scooter approaches Kermit.)
    Scooter: Hey, boss. We have a problem.
    Kermit: What is it?
    Scooter: Gonzo can’t do his act tonight. (Kermit does a double-take.)
    Kermit: Why not? I thought he was going to hypnotize Alonzo the Alligator.
    Scooter: Yeah, but Alonzo beat him to it… (Alonzo the Alligator, played by Steve Whitmire, enters, having hypnotized Gonzo.)
    Alonzo the Alligator: You are getting sleepy…veeeeeeee-ry sleeeeee-py…look into my eyes, Gonzo…
    Gonzo (in a monotone, trance-like voice): Yes, master.
    Alonzo: Now…do as I say: Sleep!
    Gonzo: Yes, master! (collapses on the ground and sleeps)
    Scooter: What are we gonna do, Kermit? Now all we have is an alligator!
    Kermit: Well, I know of a company that makes good alligator shoes. (Alonzo gasps and begins quaking in fear.)
    Alonzo: Oh, please don’t send me there! Please! I just didn’t want to be hypnotized into doing something awful! Please, frog! Kiss, kiss, grovel, grovel! (Alonzo begins kissing Kermit’s feet.)
    Kermit: Oh, boy…another case of crocodile tears. (laughter from audience) Okay, Alonzo…get up. I was kidding. You can stay here. I won’t send you away.
    Alonzo: Oh, thank you, frog! Thank you! How can I repay you?
    Kermit: Just go upstairs, Alonzo. I have a show to run. Okay? Thanks. (Alonzo goes upstairs and into a dressing room.) WAIT! Hold on! Don’t go into--- (Miss Piggy screams shrilly, and a series of loud crashes are heard.) ---Piggy’s dressing room. She’s terrified of alligators…sheesh. (loud laughter from audience)
    Miss Piggy: GET THIS BEAST OUT OF HERE!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Scooter and Kermit stare at the dressing room door, and then at each other.)
    Kermit: Uh, Scooter…can you get the next act onstage?
    Scooter: Why, chief?
    Kermit: I have a call to make…there’s a company that’s going to be making more alligator shoes soon. (As the audience laughs, Kermit runs off, and Scooter heads toward the intercom.)
    Swedish Chef:
    The Chef sings the theme while clinking two teacups together and pretending to sip out of them daintily. Then he flings them over his head. The Chef tries to prepare a seafood platter using different types of fish. He tosses a sea bass, a flounder, and a cod into a bowl, and then stands back and throws the trout into the bowl as if he were shooting a basketball. But the trout bounces out of the bowl and back to the Chef. The confused Chef picks up the trout and throws it in again, but the same thing happens. Lew Zealand enters, angry with the Chef for trying to cook his boomerang fish. Lew smacks the Chef with a baseball-bat-sized swordfish and exits, taking the whole bowl of fish with him.
    Waldorf: Hey, I think I know what went wrong with that sketch.
    Statler: What’s that?
    Waldorf: Either the Swedish Chef wasn’t really into cooking seafood, or he didn’t have all the fish he needed.
    Statler: You mean…?
    Waldorf: YES!
    Both: He had no SOLE!!! Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohoho!!!!
    Backstage Scene #3/Musical Number:
    (Billy is trying to converse with Kermit when Miss Piggy enters.)
    Miss Piggy: Oh! William! William, dear! Oh, how are you today?
    Billy: Oh, I’m great, Miss Piggy.
    Miss Piggy: That’s wonderful, William. (Miss Piggy notices Kermit.) Hello, Kermie. Would you be so kind as to move aside for a bit? Thank you! (shoves Kermit away, and a crash is heard) Oh, William. (snuggles against Billy) You know, I’ve always wanted to tell you that I am one of your biggest fans. I have followed your career for years, and you have so many wonderful records. I own each and every one of them!
    Billy: Why, that’s fantastic! I’m glad that you like my work so much, Miss Piggy.
    Miss Piggy: M-hmm, and moi is certain that vous loves my work, too!
    Billy (pauses): Actually, I’m not familiar with what you do. (Miss Piggy stops.)
    Miss Piggy: What? How could you not be familiar with moi’s work? I am an actress and singer! I am in Veterinarian’s Hospital and Pigs in Space nearly every week on this show! I am the STAR of this show!
    Billy: I’m sorry, Miss Piggy, but I---
    Miss Piggy (gruffly): Yeah, yeah, yeah…give me a break, Billy. (laughter)
    Billy: Listen, Miss Piggy. I may not have seen you perform, but you give the impression of a very kind, loving woman...or pig. You seem pleasant, and caring, and respectful…
    Miss Piggy: Don’t forget modest! That’s my most noticeable trait! Ah-hahahahaa! (laughter from audience)
    Billy: I just want to get to know you in every way I can, Miss Piggy. (strokes her hair and face)
    Miss Piggy (lovingly): Oh, William…
    (Billy sings “She’s Always a Woman” to Miss Piggy. Applause at the end as Billy and Miss Piggy hug each other.)
    Muppet Labs:
    Dr. Bunsen Honeydew reveals the latest gadget from Muppet Labs: Instant Alligator Shoes. All that is needed is two drops of water, and a pair of instant alligator shoes will be formed. Beaker accidentally adds too much water (as in a whole cup), and the shoes turn into ferocious Muppet alligators (Frank Oz and Jim Henson) that chase Beaker around the labs. One alligator shouts, “CHARGE!” and Crazy Harry enters. He says, “Did someone say CHARGE?” and sets off an explosion. Dr. Honeydew nervously ends the segment: “That’s all today from Muppet Labs.”
    Waldorf: Is there ANY need for instant alligator shoes?
    Statler: The better question is: Is there ANY need for this show?
    UK Spot:
    Rowlf plays Beethoven’s “Adagio Cantabile” from Sonata Pathetique (dedicating it to Billy Joel). The bust of Beethoven (Jerry Nelson) criticizes Rowlf during the tune (“More legato, kid,” “Bring it up now,” “Louder, I said!” “You missed a note, you dumb mutt”). Rowlf gets increasingly frustrated, but the bust is oblivious throughout the piece. Rowlf and the bust of Beethoven take a bow at the end as the audience applauds.
    Pigs in Space:
    Announcer: And now…it’s time for PIIIIIIIIGGGGSSS IIIIIINNNNNNN SPAAAAAAAACCCCEEE!!!! When we last left the Swinetrek, it was about to crash-land on the planet Onaip Nam. (Link Hogthrob is trying to steer the ship to a safe landing spot.)
    Dr. Strangepork: Hurry, Captain! We only have twenty-six seconds before a potentially deadly landing on the planet Onaip Nam! Hurry! For goodness’ sake!
    Link Hogthrob: I-I’m trying, Doctor! But the steering mechanism is stuck! I can’t steer, no matter what I do!
    First Mate Piggy: Oh, no! We shall perish! (acts melodramatically)
    Link Hogthrob: No, we will not perish, First Mate Piggy! We still have a refrigerator full of food! There’s enough for everyone.
    Dr. Strangepork: No, Link, all the food has perished! It’s gone bad!
    Link Hogthrob (gasps in horror): No food?! Oh! We shall perish, First Mate Piggy! (laughter as Link grabs First Mate Piggy and shakes her) HELP! We’re going to perish! Why is the world so cruel to us?!
    First Mate Piggy: Get your hands off me, swill brain! You should be steering!
    Dr. Strangepork: She’s right, Link! We only have five seconds left!
    (Link regains his composure and returns to his seat just as the Swinetrek hits a bump. A very shaky landing ensues, but everyone survives.)
    Dr. Strangepork: Whew! That was a close one!
    First Mate Piggy: Oh, we have been saved! Oh, thank you, Captain Link! (begins kissing Link)
    Link: Oh, it was nothing. After all, I am your captain. (kisses First Mate Piggy)
    Dr. Strangepork (covering his eyes): Yuck! This was not in my contract OR the shcript! (laughter)
    Link Hogthrob: Wait…hold on. (goes to the window and looks out) Uh oh…I think we’ve got a flat tire.
    First Mate Piggy: We don’t HAVE tires, dumbo! (laughter)
    Link Hogthrob: Oh. That’s right. Silly me! I tend to get spaceships and racecars confused. (laughter)
    Dr. Strangepork: What do you say we go and explore this planet?
    Link Hogthrob: I couldn’t be more excited, Doctor! Let’s go! (The Swinetrek crew exits the ship and explores the planet Onaip Nam, which is covered with broken pianos and huge stones shaped like musical notes. Link explores one side of the planet, and First Mate Piggy and Dr. Strangepork look around the other side.)
    First Mate Piggy: Dr. Strangepork, do you know if there are any signs of life on this planet?
    Dr. Strangepork: Well, I’m not entirely sure. I mean, I myself have never heard of the planet Onaip Nam. So it would be safe to assume that there is no life here… (As First Mate Piggy and Dr. Strangepork talk, a piano-like monster appears, using the same puppet from the Liberace episode of TMS, 310. It creeps up on Link and growls at him.)
    Piano Monster (Dave Goelz): RAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
    Link Hogthrob: Halt, you beast! We claim this planet in the name of pigkind! Don’t come any closer, or I’ll shoot you with my ray gun!
    Piano Monster: AAAARRRRGGHHH!!! (Link shoots the monster with his gun.)
    Link: There! How do you like that, you big meanie?
    Piano Monster: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… (Link slowly realizes that this is not a monster to mess around with.)
    Link Hogthrob: Uhhh… (begins shaking) I was only joking, you know…don’t take it personally…uh, nice piano…nice piano… (The Piano Monster advances and attacks Link. First Mate Piggy and Dr. Strangepork soon notice that Link is fighting a native creature.)
    Dr. Strangepork: Why, look, First Mate Piggy! There IS life on Onaip Nam!
    First Mate Piggy: Dr. Strangepork! Shouldn’t we help Captain Hogthrob?
    Dr. Strangepork: Yah, of course we will…
    First Mate Piggy: Good.
    Dr. Strangepork: As soon as I can study this creature a bit more. (He runs off to study the Piano Monster. The monster sees Dr. Strangepork as a threat, and soon it is attacking both pigs. First Mate Piggy exits, shaking her head in disbelief.)
    Announcer: Tune in next week and waste three minutes of your life with another episode of PIIIIIIIIGGGGSSS IIIIIINNNNNNN SPAAAAAAAACCCCEEE!!!!
    Guest Dressing Room Scene:
    (Billy is playing the introduction to “The Ballad of Billy the Kid” on his harmonica when Beauregard enters.)
    Beauregard: Hi there, Billy!
    Billy: Oh, hello Beauregard. What’s new?
    Beauregard: What’s snew? Beats me. I never heard of snew before. (laughter)
    Billy: No, no, no. I mean, what’s happening? How are you?
    Beauregard: Ohhhh! I’m glad you asked! I was outside cleaning the floors when I heard you playing that…uh…that thing you have there…that…
    Billy: It’s called---
    Beauregard: No, I know it! I know it! You were playing…uh…a tuba! (laughter)
    Billy (pauses, smiling at the camera): Guess again.
    Beauregard: Uhhh…a ukulele! (laughter, and Billy shakes his head) No! Hold on…it’s a banjo! A trumpet! (laughter) No, no, no! It’s a triangle! A washboard! A didgeridoo! (laughter) Oh, I forgot what it’s called!
    Billy: It’s called a harmonica, Beauregard. (Bo’s eyes light up as he remembers.)
    Beauregard: Oh, yeah! Yeah, I have one of those! Lookie! (takes a harmonica out of his pocket and shows it to Billy)
    Billy: Hey, not bad…that’s a good harmonica, Bo! Can you play it?
    Beauregard: Sure! (plays a scale on the harmonica)
    Billy: Not bad…not bad…hey, do you know this tune? (Billy sings “Do Re Mi” from The Sound of Music while Bo plays the harmonica. Applause at the end, and Billy and Bo smile at one another. Billy pats Bo on the back.)
    Beauregard: Hey, that was a lot of fun!
    Billy: Yeah, Bo! I got a real kick out of that! (Crazy Harry pops up once again.)
    Crazy Harry: Well, you’ll get a real kick out of THIS! Hahahahaha!!! (Harry sets off an explosion, wrecking Billy’s dressing room and sending Beauregard running away. Harry is cackling, and Billy is steaming mad.)
    Billy: Okay! That does it! That’s the last straw! You’ve been blowing up everything today! Get out!!! (Billy points his finger at Crazy Harry, who promptly explodes. Billy pauses and looks at the camera.) It may not seem like it, but I can be pretty explosive when I need to be. (Then Billy points at himself and explodes; and the audience laughs.)
    Muppet Sports:
    Louis Kazagger: Hello, Muppet Sports fans! This is Louis Kazagger here, bringing you the wild world of Muppet Sports! Today, anticipation is running high because the Orange Juice Diving Championships are about to begin! Let’s take a look at the final contestants: Our first contestant is Hugo Strambreaux from France! (Hugo, played by Richard Hunt, waves to the unseen crowd and leaps off the diving board into the pool of orange juice.)
    Louis: Wow! What a wonderful backflip dive! And the judges have given it a score of 8! Next is Finley McGannigan from Scotland. (Finley, played by Steve Whitmire, throws kisses to the unseen crowd and dives into the pool.) That was fantastic! He did a double backflip! Absolutely remarkable, folks! And the judges have given it a score of 9! Our final contestant is Gonzo the Great from…uh, somewhere…And here he goes. (Gonzo, wearing a snorkel and mask, and carrying an anvil, plunges into the pool, causing a huge splash and covering Louis Kazagger and the judges in orange juice.)
    Louis: WOW!!! Outstanding! Not only did Gonzo do a QUADRUPLE backflip, but he also did a pirouette while balancing an anvil on his head! Never have I seen such an amazing feat of agility and athleticism! (Gonzo has smashed through the bottom of the now-empty pool, and is crushed underneath the anvil.) And the judges have given it a 10! Gonzo the Great is the champion! Amazing! (Louis goes to interview a cross-eyed and sticky Gonzo, who struggles to rise to his feet.) Gonzo, how you feel right now after winning the Orange Juice Diving Championships with such a daring dive? (Gonzo simply faints.) Isn’t that WONDERFUL, ladies and gentlemen? Absolutely incredible! This is a day that will go down in history, indeed!
    Waldorf: Poor Gonzo! He won the Orange Juice Diving Championship, but now he’s badly hurt!
    Statler: Yeah…why do you think that is?
    Waldorf: He probably couldn’t CONCENTRATE!!!
    Backstage Scene #4:
    (Kermit is talking with Fozzie, Floyd, Zoot, Scooter, and Annie Sue backstage. Fozzie is dressed as a bartender; Floyd are Zoot are clad in stylish fedoras, suits, and ties; Scooter dons a sports jacket; and Annie Sue has on a waitress’s outfit.)
    Kermit: Okay, is everyone ready for Billy’s closing number?
    Floyd: Ready to roll, my main green-skinned superior!
    Zoot: Rarin’ to go, baby.
    Scooter: You bet, chief!
    Annie Sue: Yes, Mister Kermit, sir!
    Kermit: Good. You’re all in costume, the bar scenery is set up, Bo and Beaker are working the curtains and lights, and Billy’s just about ready.
    Fozzie: But Kermit, there’s something else we have to do before we go onstage!
    Kermit: Not as far as I’m concerned, Fozzie. I’m pretty sure we’re all ready.
    Fozzie: But Kermit, you know how Billy’s song takes place in a bar?
    Kermit: Yeah. So what?
    Fozzie: Well, we need to pass a test! (Everyone looks at one another, confused.)
    Floyd: Hold up, brother bear. I don’t remember hearing about a test.
    Scooter: Yeah, Fozzie, what kind of test do we need to pass?
    Fozzie: The BAR exam! AAAAAHHHH!!! (Everyone groans and shakes their heads. Kermit scrunches his mouth, not amused by Fozzie’s joke.)
    Kermit: FOZZIE!!! Get onstage! Come on! Move it, you guys! Move it! Move it! (He shoves Fozzie and all the Muppets away.)
    Fozzie: ACK! Yes, sir! Sorry! I couldn’t resist! (He and the other Muppets head toward the stage, behind the curtain.)
    Closing Number:
    Kermit: What better way to end this week’s show than with TWO songs by our guest star? So let’s get to it! (turns to the curtain) Are we ready?
    Stagehand (Frank Oz, Cookie-Monster-like voice only): For what?
    Kermit (exasperated): The closing number!
    Stagehand: Oh! Yeah, yeah! We’re ready. Sorry, frog.
    Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is once again, our very special guest star, Billy Joel! (Applause as the curtain opens, revealing a bar scene. Several Whatnots and major Muppets are drinking and socializing together. Billy is sitting at a piano and clad in an outfit similar to Sylvester Stallone’s closing number attire in TMS Episode 320.)
    Billy starts by performing a portion of a self-penned ragtime piece called “Root Beer Rag.” Then he performs “Piano Man.” Fozzie portrays John the bartender who’s “quick with a joke,” Scooter plays Paul “the real-estate novelist,” Link Hogthrob is Davy who’s “still in the navy,” Annie Sue is the waitress “practicing politics,” and Zoot and Floyd are businessmen “getting stoned.” Miss Piggy, in a boa and sparkling dress, sneaks in and briefly flirts with Billy. Finally, Rowlf plays the manager “giving a smile” to Billy. By the end, everyone has joined in on the chorus. Thunderous applause at the end.
    Curtain Call:
    Kermit: Well, folks, it’s been quite a special evening for us. And I’m sorry to say it, but it’s time to end the show.
    Statler: Don’t be sorry! That’s just what we want to hear! (He and Waldorf laugh.)
    Kermit: Sheesh. Anyway, let’s have a big hand for our special guest star, Mr. Billy Joel! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!! (Kermit waves his hands wildly as Billy enters in a jacket, shirt, tie, jeans, and tennis shoes. Loud applause, cheers, and whistles as Billy bows and greets the audience.)
    Billy: Thank you so much, Kermit. I had a great time.
    Kermit: Yeah, so did we. And that last number was just great!
    Billy: Yeah, we really ended the show with a bang, didn’t we?
    (Crazy Harry pops up again.)
    Crazy Harry: Did somebody say BANG? Aaaaah-hahahahahaha! (But Billy points his finger at Harry, causing Harry to explode on the spot. Kermit is startled.)
    Kermit: Billy! What was that?!
    Billy: I-I don’t know. I just pointed my finger like this and then--- (Billy points his finger at Kermit, who immediately blows up in a cloud of smoke. Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter, and Lew Zealand run onto the stage.)
    Miss Piggy: Kermie!!! Oh, no! What happened?!
    Lew Zealand: Mr. the Frog! Where are you?
    Scooter: Where’d you go, boss?
    Gonzo: Wow! That was cool! Hey, Billy! Aim right here! (Billy points his finger at Gonzo, and Gonzo explodes.)
    Miss Piggy: Okay, piano puss. You’re gonna get it now! (She prepares to karate-chop Billy, but he dispatches her using his explosion-inducing finger.)
    Scooter: We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!
    Billy: Hey, this is actually pretty fun! (The audience bursts into laughter and applause as the closing theme plays. Billy points his fingers at Scooter and Lew Zealand, who explode at the same time, then he makes Fozzie, Link Hogthrob, Beauregard, Alonzo the Alligator, and two chickens explode.)
    Balcony Closing:
    Waldorf: Brilliant! Wonderful! Superb! Wasn’t that a great show, Statler?
    (Statler simply points his finger at Waldorf, who explodes.)
    Da-da-da-da-da-DA!!! (Zoot’s final note: BWAAAAHHH!!!)

    THE END​

    The Muppets:

    Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Alligator #1, Stagehand, and Others
    Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Crazy Harry, Lew Zealand, Dr. Strangepork, the Announcer, Louis Kazagger, Beethoven Bust, Fit Fiddle, and OthersRichard Hunt as Scooter, Beaker, Statler, Janice, Hugo Strambeaux, and Others
    Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Zoot, Piano Monster, and Others
    Steve Whitmire as Alonzo the Alligator, Finley McGannigan, and Others
    Louise Gold as Annie Sue and Others
    Kathy Mullen as Others


    Jim Henson as Kermit, Rowlf, the Swedish Chef, Link Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Alligator #2, and Others

    Thanks for reading!
  2. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Wow, that was REALLY good! Your use of puns is exemplary. In the cold opening, I thought it was just stretching out with the talking fiddle, when it was actually leading to another pun that I didn't see coming!

    Love the bit with the hypnotizing alligator and the reinforcement with the instant alligator shoes. Also love the pointing & exploding bit coming back at the end. Way to see your concepts through! I'm impressed.

    Great job!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  3. cjd874

    cjd874 Well-Known Member

    Thank you David. I appreciate the feedback very much. Have you seen my other Muppet Show outlines? I started back in 2012 and continued writing for the next year. The link is below.
    I've also written some original Sesame Street Old School outlines, as well as some material for a lesser-known thread called Poems, Haikus, and Whatnots. Feel free to check them out.
  4. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Saw they were out there, haven't started reading the others yet. Soon. Probably as soon as my ego can handle a talent like yours LOL.

    And my TMS outlines are linked in my signature.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  5. GonzoMan

    GonzoMan Active Member

    Billy Joel would've been pretty good for The Muppet Show. I loved your script.
    cjd874 likes this.

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