The Muppets After The Muppets - episode 2: Gonzo's Pain Birth Problem

[minor muppetz]

Here is the next isntallment of my fan fiction series, "The Muppets After the Muppets", but first, in case you didn't see it, here's the first episode (where you can also see what the opening's supposed to be like): http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...er-the-muppets-episode-1-lunch-meeting.49834/

Act 1

It was a typical day for rehearsing.

“Okay, everyone”, said Scooter, “Rehearsals start now!”

“I thought you always waited until show time to start rehearsing”, said Walter.

“We may have back when we did the original Muppet Show”, said Kermit, “But when we did that show we couldn’t show anything that happened more than 30 seconds before curtain.”

“Oh, that makes sense”, said Walter, “I always did wonder why Fozzie waited until after the show started to practice his rollerskating act. Or why you asked guest star Marty Feldman what story was happening next for the sake of casting and props… That was sort of last-minute planning. And I also wonder why Gonzo held his chicken auditions on the night…”

“Okay, everyone”, said Kermit, interrupting out of annoyance, “Let’s start the rehearsals.”

Kermit turned to Scooter, “Which rehearsal is first?”

“Miss Piggy’s big opening number”, said Scooter.

The number took place at a beach, with Miss Piggy singing “Borderline”, with various pigs singing back-up.

After the act ended…

“Well, that sure was a big number”, said Dr. Teeth.

“Don’t you mean a PIG number?”, laughed Floyd.

“Watch it!”, said an annoyed Miss Piggy.

“Yeah”, agreed Fozzie, “Leave all the comments to Statler and Waldorf.”

“Next up is The Great Gonzo”, said Scooter.

Sweetums, Doglion, the Mutations, Beauregard, and Beaker were setting up large mirrors.

“Be careful, Beaker”, said Beauregard, who then accidently pushed a big mirror onto Beaker.

“I said be careful!”, said Beauregard.

“These mirrors look awfully tasty”, said Sweetums, who started munching on a mirror.

“Hey, stop that!”, said Gonzo, “You can have it after the show. I have got to do my act!”

“So, what is your act, Gonzo?”, asked Walter.

“I am going to drive a motorcycle backwards while blindfolded through a maze of randomly-placed mirrors”, said Gonzo.

“Here’s your blindfold”, said Rizzo.

Gonzo hopped onto his motorcycle, backwards, and got his blindfold on.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I now present my act!”, announced Gonzo, who pressed a button, causing the motorcycle to go out of control, but he kept missing all the mirrors. Then the motorcycle stopped.

“There seems to be something wrong with my bike”, said Gonzo, lifting his blindfold and checking the gears.

And then the bike blasted backwards, off the stage and into the seats.

“Bravo!”, shouted Sweetums, clapping his hands.

“I hope we’ve got audience insurance”, said a worried Kermit.

“If we don’t”, said Thog, “we can always buy some.”

“Say, are you okay, Gonzo?”, asked Pops.

“Yeah”, said Gonzo, complaining “it wasn’t painful enough.”

A Muppaphone hopped by, “Maybe you should join us?”

“Okay”, said Kermit, “On with rehearsals for the next act!”

“Boss”, said Scooter, “You are in the next act!”

“Oh”, said Kermit, “I forgot”, and then Kermit got ready.

A mysterious figure dressed in a trench coat, sunglasses, and a fedora, with a big nose and a face full of pimples, had secretly been watching Gonzo.

“PSST!”, said the man, “You, with the crooked nose, over here!”

Gonzo walked to him.

“Do I understand you like pain?”, asked the man.

“Yes”, said Gonzo.

“Then I have something for you”, said the man, showing Gonzo a bottle of what he had, “It’s called Pain Birth. It’ll make you feel more painful.”

“Oh, wow!”, said Gonzo, “So if my acts don’t cause enough pain, this stuff will help!”

“Precisely”, said the man, “It costs $9.99”.

“That’s kind of pricy”, said Gonzo.

“Would you rather feel unhurt?”, said the man.

“Okay, I’ll buy some”, said Gonzo.

“Meet me in the ally once a week if you want more”, said the man, “but always come alone.”

“Okay”, said Gonzo.

Later that day, Gonzo was getting ready to practice his act again.

“I tell you, Camilla, THIS will be one of my greatest acts ever!”

“Bawk bawk bawk?”

“I just have to get started”, said Gonzo, who then took some “Pain Birth”.

Camilla clucked with uncontrollable concern.

“Oh, don’t worry, Camilla”, said Gonzo, “This stuff will just make me feel more pain.”

Gonzo then got on his motorcycle and took off. Camilla covered her eyes as Gonzo crashed into the mirrors.

“Ta-da!”, said Gonzo, proud of himself, “A brilliant success! In fact, I feel more pain than I expected.”

Camilla just shook her head in disbelief.

 

[minor muppetz]

Act 2

Later that week…

“Gonzo”, said Scooter, “You go on right after the opening number.”

“I am a little nervous”, said Gonzo, “I don’t know how I can top that number.”

The number had Lips playing trumpet, accompanied by Snerfs who made trumpet beats at the right moment. Then the Snerfs began upstaging Lips, causing Lips to blow his trumpet into their ears, only for them to pop up and blow their trumpet noses into Lips’ ears. Lips fainted, and the audience applauded.

“I think that number affected my hearing”, said Waldorf, “I can’t hear anymore.”

“I think the battery on your hearing aide as busted”, said Statler.

“What?”, said Waldorf.

Gonzo got his motorcycle ready and started drinking his “Pain Birth”.

“Wait, Gonzo, what’s that?”, said a slightly worried Rizzo.

“Oh, this is pain birth”, said Gonzo, “It’ll give me more pain”.

“Don’t you know what that’ll do to you?”, said Rizzo.

“Bawk bawk bawk!”, said Camilla.

“What do you mean that’s what you were trying to tell him?”, asked Rizzo.

“You two keep out of this”, said Gonzo, suddenly becoming a bit rude.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s Gonzo the Great!”, announced Kermit.

Gonzo was on his motorcycle, ready to perform.

“Good evening, fans”, said Gonzo, “Tonight, I will do something you fools can’t do…”

In the wings…

“Since when does Gonzo start calling his audience fools?”, wondered Kermit outloud.

“I will drive this motorcycle into the mirros, feeling pain that numbskulls like you freaks can’t feel!”

The audience gasped.

But then Gonzo started to have an attack.

“Help! Help!”, yelled Gonzo, as he collapsed onto the motorcycle, hitting his nose onto the button that sent the motorcycle off automatically… Driving through the mirros, but also backstage….

“Look out!”, cried Robin, ducking behind a crate.

Fozzie, Lips, George, and Louis Kazagger all ran as Gonzo drove backstage, and then up the wall onto the ceiling, driving around in circles until gas ran out and the motorcycle fell onto the floor and then exploded. Gonzo then flew up into the ceiling and then fell back onto the floor, laying unconscious.

“Bawk!”, cried a worried Camilla.

“We’ve got to get Gonzo to a hospital!”, said Kermit.

“Well, we need a patient at Vets Hospital”, said Rowlf, dressed as Dr. Bob. He carried Gonzo onto the stage, followed by Piggy and Janice.

“It’s time once again for Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs…”

“So, Dr. Bob”, said Nurse Piggy, “who’s the next patient?”

“It’s this weird blue biker”, said Dr. Bob.

“What’s so weird about a blue biker?”, asked Nurse Janice.

“He’s not moving”, laughed Dr. Bob.

Janice listened to Gonzo’s heart.

“It sounds like his heart is still beating”, said Janice.

“You check his pulse”, said Piggy.

“Why don’t you check his pulse, Nurse Piggy?”, asked Dr. Bob.

“Because I don’t want to be anywhere near that freak”, said Piggy.

Kermit ran on-stage.

“Hey, I think Gonzo’s really hurt”, said Kermit, “We’ve got to get him to a real hospital!”

“What’s wrong with this hospital?”, asked Dr. Bob.

“It’s not real”, said Kermit.

“You can say that again”, said Piggy.

“I mean Veterinarian’s Hospital is just a set, not a real hospital”, said Kermit.

Sam the Eagle walked on-stage.

“That is why I never come here”, said Sam.

Close the curtains!”, yelled Kermit, “We’ll have a five-minute intermission!”

“Already?”, asked Statler.

“I guess the show might end early tonight”, said Waldorf.

“I see your hearing aide’s no longer busted”, said Statler.

“No”, said Waldorf, “But your nose will be”, and then Waldorf hit Statler in the nose.

Backstage…

“Camilla tells me Gonzo’s been taking this Pain Birth medicine”, said Scooter.

“Pain Birth medicine?”, said Kermit, “I’ve heard of this stuff. It’s not medicine, it’s a drug!”

“A DRUG??”, said an outraged Sam, “It’s bad enough we have our weirdos here, but do we have to allow DRUGS in this place?”

“Let’s get him taken care of”, said Rizzo.

“I’ll call an ambulance”, said Scooter.

“Good grief”, said Pepe, “This is only our second episode, and already we’e doing a very special episode, okay!”

 

[minor muppetz]

Act 3

Later, the gang – primarily Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Camilla, Walter, Rizzo, Floyd, Animal, and Scooter -- was visiting Gonzo at a rehab hospital.

“So will Gonzo be alright?”, asked Kermit.

“We’ll see”, said the doctor, “But Gonzo might need to be put in therapy.”

“Bawk bawk bawk bawk”, said Camilla.

“Well”, said the doctor, “Pain Birth is a drug which has been outlawed in America, but it’s only illegal to sell the stuff. But Pain Birth can cause damage. In addition to painful side effects, it can make you very rude, especially when you are about to collapse. In addition, it can be addicting, leading to worse rudeness, and even stealing.”

“Stealing?”, asked Fozzie.

“Yes, stealing”, said the doctor, “Because selling the stuff is illegal, and unless Gonzo knows someone who’ll sell it, he’ll just have to steal the stuff.”

“But where will he steal it from if it’s not for sale?”, asked Walter.

“Well, he’ll steal it from other users”, said the doctor, “This stuff has an effect on the brain. In many cases it makes those who use it smart enough to know where to find some.”

“This is getting too serious”, said Fozzie, “I think I’ll go back to the car.”

“Man, it’s a good thing none of us in the band use drugs”, said Floyd, “Right, Animal?”

“Right, right!”, said Animal, “Drugs bad! Drugs bad!”

Gonzo then woke up.

“It’s a miracle!”, said Rizzo.

“Bawk bawk bawk bawk”, said an excited Camilla.

“Wh-what’s going on?”, wondered Gonzo.

“Gonzo, you took some Pain Birth and had a stroke of pain”, said Kermit.

“I like pain”, said Gonzo, “But that was too much.”

“Please be assured, Mr. Gonzo”, said the doctor, “We’ll take good enough care of you, until you are back to your old self. Is there anything I can get you?”

“Yes”, said Gonzo, “How about another bottle of Pain Birth.”

“What?”, said the Muppets, in shock.

“I thought you said it was too much pain, even for you”, said Kermit.

“It was”, said Kermit, “But I’m addicted.”

“That stuff is unhealthy, Gonzo”, said Miss Piggy.

“UN-HEAL-THY! UN-HEAL-THY!”, said Animal.

“Bawk bawk”, said Camilla.

“I don’t care”, said Gonzo, “I’m addicted anyway, and if you losers won’t give me some I’ll make you give me some!”

The doctor then jammed a tranquilizer needle into Gonzo’s skull, making him sleepy.

“Ohhhhh…”, said Gonzo, “that feels good….”

Gonzo then fell asleep.

“We’ll have to lock him up”, said the doctor, “He should be cured in 30 days”.

The gang had left the hospital.

“Well, I guess we’ll have to do some shows without Gonzo”, sighed Kermit.

“Vous can give Moi more numbers”, said Miss Piggy.

“Maybe we can do a big Gonzo tribute”, said Walter, “I wonder if I should hypnotize myself or eat a tire or ride a motorcycle into the balcony…”

“I didn’t think you were that adventurous”, said Rizzo.

“Hmm, good point”, said Walter, “Maybe I should just wrestle a brick blindfolded.”

They then saw Jack Black running past them, tied up.

“At last! I’m free!”, said Jack Black, who then saw the Muppets.

“Oh, no, you again!”, screamed Jack, who ran the other direction.

 

[minor muppetz]

Here is the conclusion. I wanted this to just be three acts, but kept thinking too much for what I thought was suitable for three acts.

Act 4

Someday later, Gonzo had his first group therapy session.

“Today, let’s welcome our newest member, Gonzo”, said the leader of the group therapy.

“Thank you”, said Gonzo, “I am Gonzo, and I have a Pain Birth problem.”

The rest groaned.

“How many of us haven’t?”, said one of the patients?

“Pain Birth is what got me fired from a hit TV show”, Said Charlie Sheen, “And I can’t believe it’s gotten better without me.”

“Mr. Sheen”, said the leader, “Please wait your turn.”

“Anyway”, said Gonzo, “I like pain.”

Most of the others mumbled in agreement.

“Some of my greatest acts were painful”, said Gonzo, “like when I caught a cannonball with my bear hand, and when I did my waterskiing act in one of my movies, and when I wrestled a brick blindfolded.”

“If I were you”, said Charlie Sheen, “I would wrestle a blindfolded brick instead.”

“Hey, remember what I said!”, said the leader.

“Oh, sorry”, said Charlie Sheen, ashamed.

“For many years I was a plumber, though my real dream was to go to Bombay, India to become a movie star”, said Gonzo.

“I wanted to do it the easy way”, said Charlie Sheen, “that’s why I went to Hollywood.”

“That does it, Sheen”, said the leader, “back to your room!”

“I’m bored here”, said one of the patients, “let’s go to Muppet Studios!”

Meanwhile, at Muppet Studios…

“With that weirdo gone, we’re at the first steps of making the show more cultural!”, said Sam, “Now if we get rid of all the other weirdos… I say get rid of Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, The Swedish Chef, Marvin Suggs…”

“Sam, I’m not getting rid of anyone”, said Kermit, “Besides, Gonzo’s were actually the most cultural of all the weirdos.”

“Hmm”, said Sam, “Maybe we should get him back.”

“Baw bawk bawk”, said Camilla.

“I’m glad you agree with me”, said Sam.

Camilla gave a confused stare.

The phone rang. Mildred answered.

“Hello? Yes, he’s here”, said Mildred, “Kermit, the rehab center is on the line.”

“Thank you, Mildred”, said Kermit, taking the phone, “Hello? Really? Well… That’s great!”

Kermit hung up.

“Come on, Camilla, we’ve got to get Gonzo!”

Camilla clucked with excitement.

“Tell him to do a real cultural act!”, said Sam.

Meanwhile, Walter was in an alley, taking out the Muppets’ garbage, whistling as he worked. But then, the guy who had sold Pain Birth to Gonzo showed up.

“Psst!”, said the guy, “would you be interested in some…. Pain Birth?”

“No way, man!”, said Walter, “I know what that stuff does. It affected Gonzo terribly.

“You know Gonzo?”, said the man, surprised.

“Yes, I do”, said Walter, “I also know that it’s illegal to sell Pain Birth!”

Two cops then showed up.

“Did I hear that somebody’s selling Pain Birth?”, said one of the cops.

“Uh, yes”, said the seller, nervously, “he is!”

The seller then threw it to Walter and ran. The cops chased the seller. Walter just threw it into the dumpster.

Kermit, Gonzo, and Camilla left the rehab center.

“It’s great that you recovered quickly”, said Kermit.

“Yeah” agreed Gonzo, “From now on if I experience pain it’ll be naturally”.

“Bawk bawk bawk?”, asked Camilla.

“I know, I know”, said Gonzo, “I can’t wait to get back to the theater.”

“It’s great that you made enough progress to be let out before your 30-days were up”, said Kermit.

In the lobby of the rehab center…

“I know he didn’t complete his 30 days”, said the group therapy leader to his boss, “but I really couldn’t stand him.”

Kermit, Gonzo, and Camilla were outside the theater. They saw the guy who sold the Pain Birth to Gonzo being arrested.

“Hey, that’s the guy who sold me the stuff”, said Gonzo.

“Shut up!”, said the man as he was being put into a police car.

Soon more chickens showed up. Camilla ran up in front of Gonzo.

“Bawk bawk bawk bawk cluck cluck bawk cluck!”, said Camilla.

“Really?”, said Gonzo, “You and the chickens prepared a welcome back song for me?”

“Let’s hear it”, said Kermit.

The chickens all clucked a tune.

“Oh, I like it”, said Gonzo.

And then some of the weirder-looking Muppet creatures – The Four Fazoobs, the male and female Koozebanian creatures, Merdidops, Hugga Wugga creatures, The Koozebanian Phoob, The Extremes, Shakey Shanchez, Droop, and the two Snowths – showed up to continue the song, which was just them repeating “Welcome back, Gonzo” over and over.

Then a montage of characters singing the same lyrics over-and-over again, in cut-away form, began, first with Animal, The Swedish Chef, and Beaker, then with Pepe, Seymour, Clifford, Johnny Fiama, Sal, and Bobo, then with Crazy Harry, Lew Zealand, Pops, Fozzie, Scooter, Rowlf, and The Newsman, and then with a group of monsters – Carl, Luncheon Counter Monster, Uncle Deadly, Behemoth, Boppity, Gloat, and Beautiful Day Monster, followed by Sweetums, Doglion, Mean Mama, and Timmy.

The singing continued as Gonzo and others made their way backstage, headed towards the stage, as Rizzo and the rats, Leon, Beauregard, Bean Bunny, Janice, Dr. Strangepork, and Walter sang the rest of the song.
“Thanks for welcoming me back, everybody”, said Gonzo, “But I’ve got an act to do.”

“Something painful and dangerous, I suppose”, said Dr. Strangepork.

“Actually, I’m doing an updated version of my first act”, said Gonzo.

Kermit came on-stage to make an introduction.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome back The Great Gonzo!”

The audience cheered.

The curtain raised, Gonzo had a tire in his hand.

“Years ago I did my first act here, eating a tire”, said Gonzo, “And now, it’s time for an update!”

The audience cheered.

Gonzo revealed a straw in his hand.

“I will now DRINK this here tire with a straw”, said Gonzo, putting the straw to the tire and then sucking it in.

“This time he drank the tire”, said Waldorf.

“Amazing”, said Statler.

“Astounding”, said Waldorf.

“Boring”, said Statler.

Sam put his palm to his face in disappointment.

“You didn’t even include any classical music”, said Sam.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot”, said Gonzo.

“Sam, go on stage to introduce Wayne and Wanda”, said Scooter.

“Oh, yeah”, said Sam, heading to the stage.

“Hey, Gonzo!”, said Rizzo, “Look what me and Bo found”, showing a new cannon.

“A new cannon!”, said Gonzo, “I’ll try it out!”

On stage…

“Here they are now, Wayne and Wanda!”

“And now, we’d like to sing a song to welcome Gonzo back”, said Wayne.

And Wayne and Wanda sang, “Welcome back, Gonzo, welcome back, Gonzo, welcome back…”

The cannon fired Gonzo at the two.

“I’m back!”, said Gonzo.

The End

 

[kyunkyua]

Woah, Gonzo on drugs? Did not see that coming.
It was...awkward. I feel like the Muppets shouldn't be dealing with that sort of issue. But everything else was good.

 

[minor muppetz]

Woah, Gonzo on drugs? Did not see that coming.
It was...awkward. I feel like the Muppets shouldn't be dealing with that sort of issue. But everything else was good.

Pain Birth was just a drug I made up (the title a parody of Pain Reliefers). I liked the idea of having the SECOND episode be a "very special episode" (though more of a parody... Though it seems to me like the drama wasn't drama enough). I was sort of going for something like the Dinosaurs episode "Steroids to Heaven", though not as serious (yet not as humourous as "A New Leaf").

Part of me wonders if I should have done more with it. I had wanted Gonzo to become a bit rude and angry as a side effect, but then just had the main side effect be Gonzo collapsing and going into rehab (only making Gonzo a slight bit rude).

I didn't think about the fact that when classic iconic characters do drug PSAs like Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue the fans seem to overreact. Maybe I should have had some of the characters make comments like that in the story. Or maybe I should have ended it similar to the Dinosaurs episode "A New Leaf", with maybe Gonzo talking to the audience.

I don't plan to do any other "very special episodes" anytime soon.