The New Gig

[ryhoyarbie]

Kermit ventured off to the Muppet theater to begin work. Inside he saw Beauregard and George still cleaning the carpet up, while Pops was sitting in a seat reading the newspaper. Mildred and Hilda were near the pit looking over some costumes. In the pit was Rowlf the dog with Nigel and the Trombone Lady who used to play trumpet before Lips came along.

"Hey Kermit, got a question for you." Beauregard said.

Kermit went over to Beauregard to listen to him.

"The costumes for the Arabian number with Joan Allen tonight didn't make it" Beauregard told Kermit.

"What? This is a disaster. I mean first the Electric Mayhem quit and now this." Kermit said with anger.

"You wanna talk about about quitting, let's talk about my left hip here. It quit on me back in 84. But does anybody notice this about old George here? No!" said George acting a little dramatic.

"Oh ya, I had a hip go out back in 72. Brings back some good ol memories." Pops reflected.

I'm sorry George." said a more reasonable Kermit.

"Speaking of quiting, I wish the junk on this carpet would quit. It's like this every morning. and another thing, I wish my mother would quit calling me all the time. When is the old buzzard going away. All I ever hear is her talking her mouth off over uselss junk I could care less about." George said.

Kermit and Beauregard were getting a little worried about George. He was starting to frighten them a little!

"Hey boss, get me out of here will ya? Old George is crazy. He keeps on talking like this all the time." said a worried Beauregard.

"Sorry Beau, you gotta deal with him. Just ignore him." Kermit said.

"But I've been trying to ignore him for 10 years now! Got any other suggestions?" said Beauregard.

"Uhh........" Kermit said walking off who didn't know what Beau should do.

Beauregard looked at Kermit, shrugged his shoulders and continued to clean the carpet. George was still complaining and talking to himself. Beauregard just shook his head while cleaning, thinking he didn't deserve this kind of punishment!

Kermit walked some more to Hilda and Mildred who interrupted him.

"Kermit, we don't have the costumes." said Mildred.

"How am I suppsoed to work in these conditions? I'm the person in charge of wardrobe and we don't have any costumes for the big musical number tonight. Maybe I should have quit and become a dentist." Hilda said, acting worried and didn't know what to do next.

"Quitting? You don't know what quitting is until you have a hip go out." yelled George from the back.

"Shut up and go take your medicine!" shouted both Mildred and Hilda.

"Look ladies, I'll deal with the problem later on, okay?" Kermit told the women.

The both nodded and continued to look at some costumes. Kermit continued his walk to the back stage and walked by the pit area where Nigel and Rowlf were fighting and Trombone Lady was listening.

"Look, it's supposed to be an e flat." said Nigel.

"And I'm telling it's supposed to be e sharp." Rowlf said.

"E flat!" Nigel yelled.

"E sharp!" Rowlf said, with a little more anger in his voice this time.

"E flat dog!" Yelled Nigel.

Trombone lady got her trombone and blew out a note that sounded like an elephant.

"Both of you be quiet before I get this trombone and flatten you both with it!" Trombone Lady said, trying to make a point. "Now let's look at this music. Well what do you know. It's supposed to be an e flat."

"What, you got to be joking here." Rowlf said.

Rowlf looked at the paper and was surprised.

"By george, it is an e flat." Rowlf said.

"Speaking of flat, my liver seems a little flat today." George yelled from a distance.

"Shut up!" yelled Rowlf, Pops, Nigel, Hilda, Mildred, Beauregard, and Trombone Lady.

Kermit looked, and obviously could not help but smile a little. It was like this all the time. But then he looked at the empty places where Floyd, Lips, Zoot, and Animal would have been at and got depressed again. Nigel, Rowlf, and Trombone Lady looked at Kermit.

"Hey Kermit, I know this is a bad time and all, but we need a drummer, saxaphone player, guitar player, and a trumpet player." Nigel said.

"Look, I know we're short staffed. That's why I'm going to make some calls right now." Kermit said.

Kermit walked off and headed to the backstage while Nigel, Rowlf, and Trombone Lady watched him. Trombone Lady got an idea.

"I got it, I can play the trumpet tonight." Trombone Lady said.

"You got to be kidding me. You go back to playing trumpet!" laughed Nigel.

"Ya, and while we're on that, we'll give you a name too!" Rowlf snickered.

"Hey, not funny guys!" Trombone Lady yelled at them.

ryan

 

[The Count]

Rully good Ryan. Liked the exchange with Trombone Lady towards the end of the chapter. The bit with George continuously shouting out his ailmnets was funny too, like some sort of running gag?
*Gag comes out of hiding and runs across post.

*In Kermit voice: Good grief.

OK, so what's next? More story please.

 

[ryhoyarbie]

As Kermit approached the back stage, he saw Scooter on the telephone talking. A few what not muppets were in the background carrying some props to the stage.

"Technical Difficulties? What the heck does that mean?" Scooter questioned.

Kermit listened to the conversation, still didn't know what Scooter was talking about.

"Tell her that we need he. She requested a big musical number for tonights show. Well, try to get her over here within the next few hours, we need her." Scooter said hanging up the phone.

"What happened?" questioned Kermit.

"Joan Allen is having a breakdown. She feels her status as an actress should be high as that Cameron Diaz woman, but it's not." Scooter said.

"Yeesh, it's always something. Let's hope she gets a hold of herself. We need her for the show tonight. Now I need to make a few phone calls. I got to find replacements for the band." Kermit said.

And with that, Scooter leaves Kermit and finds another job to do around the theater.

Meanwhile, The Electric Mayhem arrived at Ed Zwellen's office at his building on the top floor, which was on the 57th floor. His office was big, with a desk, several chairs for people to sit in on the other side of the desk, a few couches in a corner, a television set, and a gigantic window that overlooked the city.

"Wow, look at this place." Lips said in aw of the room.

"Man, this is one huge office. Even bigger than Kermit's." Floyd said.

Janice and Zoot move over to some pictures and look at them. There are several pictures with famous bands and singers photographed with Ed Zwellen.

"Like very cool, it's the band Animotion." Janice said.

"There you are with Rick James and the Commodores." observed Zoot.

A picture of Ed slides a little down and Zoot notices the picture of Ed is taped on the picture of the Commodores to make it look like Ed has worked with the band. Zoot looked puzzled.

"Folks before we get down to business there's two people I want you to meet." Ed said. "Bryan and Ryan!"

Two people, obviously twin brothers, come walking into the office, wearing matching grey suits with grey ties.

"Fellas, I want you to meet my two personal assistants, Bryan and Ryan." Ed said.

"Hi I'm Ryan." Ryan said.

"And I'm Bryan." Bryan also said. "And together, we make up"....

"Bryan and Ryan!" both said, really enthused.

"Please tell us you're not going to do a song like that elephant and that shrimp." remarked Floyd.

"Actually hun, he's a king prawn. The guy always got mad when people said he was a shrimp." Janice added.

"Who cares!." Floyd remarked.

"No, we're not going to do a song and dance for you." said Ryan. I bet you're wondering how to tell us apart from each other, right?!

"Let me rephrase my last response, who cares!" Floyd said.

"I'm so glad you all asked. Here it is, I'm Bryan, spelt b-r-y-a-n. If you take out the b, you have Ryan, like my brother here." said Bryan.

That's me." Ryan remarked.

The band just looked at each other with a "so what/who cares" expression. Animal then went over to both Bryan and Ryan and begin to sniff them both.

"Uh....what is he doing?" questioned Bryan.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Animal.

Both Bryan and Ryan jumped back a few feet from Animal.

"I think he likes you." Lips said.

"Ya, that's great and all, but let us get down to what we refer to as business." Dr. Teeth said.

"Bryan and Ryan, please excuse us." Ed said.

Both men walked out of the office and closed the door. Ed sat in his chair behind the desk.

"Here's what I'm thinking in my ol mind that's in my head." Dr. Teeth said. We have a song that we've been working on for a while and we want to play it.

"What's the song?" questioned Ed.

"We're an American Band by Grand Funk Railroad." Dr. Teeth said, answering the question.

"Hmmmm......Alright, we'll do it, tonight in front of a live audience." Ed said.

"A live audience!" shouted a happy Floyd.

'Oh man o man, that's going to be great, going to spactacularious, going to be".....Zoot was saying before being cut off.

"Zoot, calm down man." Dr. Teeth said, cutting off Zoot.

"Wow, like this is totally cool." Janice said happily.

"Cool, cool! yelled Animal.

"Well people, why are you still up here for. Go down to the 4th floor and go practice your music on stage for tonights big show." Ed said.

And with that, the Electric Mayhem exited out from Eds office. Bryan and Ryan entered the office as soon as the band left.

"We overheard the entire conversation." said Bryan.

"I thought you were going to turn that band into your own? Why are you letting them do their own music for?'" questioned Ryan.

"That's part of the plan boys. We'll let them hve their fun and let them do a few of their songs. And then"...Ed said before being cut of.

"And then we make the band do what ever we want since they're under contract." Bryan said.

"Exactly!" Ed said with a big smile and his eyebrows low.

All three started to laugh evilishly.

ryan

 

[TogetherAgain]

<shiver>

Two things are sticking in my head at the moment. One, Zoot seeing that Ed was taped onto the picture. Two, Animal sniffing Bryan and Ryan. Two very different reactions, but both excellent images. Keep it coming.

 

[The Count]

Uh... Bryan and Ryan? How can you tell us apart... I'm Bryan spelled B-R-Y-A-N. If you take out the R, you have Ryan like my brother here.

Uh, sorry to interject... But if you take out the R from Bryan, then instead of Ryan wouldn't you get Byan?

Other than that... So far so good. Keep us updated as to what happens next. Lookin' forward to it.

 

[ryhoyarbie]

Dang, you're right. What a typo I had.

ryan

 

[ryhoyarbie]

Meanwhile back at the Muppet theater, Kermit is seated in the front row with Gonzo, Camilla, Robin, and Scooter who is holding a clipboard and calling the names off of the list of people who are going to try out for the replacement of the Electric Mayhem.

"Who's next Scooter?" Kermit asked.

"Looks like the band KISS." Scooter said.

All the members of the band KISS come out yelling and scremaing and playing loud music on their guitars which seems to irritate Kermit, Scooter, Camilla, and Robin. Gonzo seems to enjoy it though.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Are you guys ready to rock!" Yelled a crazy Gene Simmons.

"Heck ya! You guys are great!" Gonzo said with enthusiasm.

"Bwak bwak bwak." Camilla bwaked to Gonzo, telling him the band is horrible.

"Oh come on Camilla, these guys are great! What's not to love about them?" Gonzo said.

"Say, where is the guy that eats a lot?" questioned Paul Stanely.

Rizzo came out of the back stage.

"Right here man." Rizzo said.

"Not you. We're talking about that crazy guy that chases women a lot." said Paul.

Pepe comes out from the other side of the stage.

"Hola, tis the person you're asking for is me okay." said Pepe.

"No, no, the other guy. You know the drummer." said Paul.

"He's not here." Robin said.

"Not here, then where is the guy? We want to rock with him." asked Gene.

"He got fired. You did read on the help wanted section that we are replacing the band Animal was in, right?" Kermit said.

"Oh dude, we thought we were going to rock with him." said Paul

"Wait, you fired your band?" said Peter Criss.

"Uh ya, they quit." Kermit replied.

"Woah man, that's heavy." said Peter.

"Well if we're not going to jam with your band, then we gotta go. Buy hey, call us up next time when you get the band back." said Paul

"We will, maybe." Kermit responded.

"You know why we want to play with the band, because we want to ROCK!!" yelled Gene.

And with that, the band KISS banged their guitars on the floor and left, breaking some of the stage in the process, just for kicks. Everybody was stunned, except for Gonzo who was over joyed.

"Kermit, get that band. I want to jam with them." Gonzo said.

"Riiiiiiight." Kermit said, imitading Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. Okay who's next Scooter.

"Oh you'll love this next person boss, because it's Tony Bennett." Scooter responded.

Tony Bennett comes walking on to the stage.

"That last group had me putting ear plugs in my ears. They were loud." Tony said.

Suddenly Johnny Fiama comes running out on to the stage and stares at Tony, thinking Tony is a god for Johnny to praise at. Sal walks out and stands right next to Johnny.

"Have I died and gone to heaven? It's Tony Bennett." Johnny said.

"Well hello there." Tonny polietly responded.

"Oh man. Sal, the guy just responded to me. The great Mr. Bennett just responded to me. I think I'm about to faint. Catch me Sal." Johnny said.

"No can do Johnny." Sal said.

"Hey Sal, you're supposed to be my right hand ma...er monkey. What gives" questioned Johnny.

"These Johnny." Sal said.

Sal holds up his hands to show Johnny that he just got a manicure.

"Those are nice. Looks like you got some work done on your fingers. Very nice indeed Sal." Tony said.

"Woah! Tony Bennett just called me Sal." Sal said.

"That's because your name is Sal, and he just over heard me call you that, monkey brains." Johnny said sarcasticly.

"Listen, Tony, it's great you want to help and all, but we're trying to find a band to replace the Electric Mayhem." Kermit said.

"Hey, no hard feelings Kermit." Tony said politely. Well, I guess I'll be on my way. Got a gig over at a hotel in a few hours. See you all later.

Johnny and Sal just stare at Tony walking out. Johnny then turns his attention at Kermit.

"I can't believe you just let Tony go like that Kermit. You should be ashamed of yourself." Johnny said.

"But Johnny I.." Kermit said before being interrupted.

"You know, instead of firing the Dr. Teeth band, maybe you should have fired yourself. Clearly your logic ain't right if you let the great Tony Bennett go." Johnny said.

"But I"..Kermit said before being interrupted again.

"Who's with me in firing Kermit? Scooter, how about you.?" Johnny asked.

Scooter shakes his head.

"Alright, what about somebody who has family ties. What about you Robin?" questioned Johnny.

"Sorry Mr. Fiama. I can't fire my uncle." said Robin.

"I'd knew you'd say that. You're being to soft on him." Johnny said. Gonzo, Camilla, what about you two?

Gonzo and Camilla shake their heads.

"Hey Sal back me up will ya. I gotta have somebody that's with me on this." Johnny asked.

"Sorry Johnny. You're on your own." Sal said.

"Johnny, how about you stop where you are, unless you want to join George in the back." Kermit said.

Cut to George in the back of the theater cleaning the carpet and talking to himself.

"And why isn't this carpet blue? I like the color blue." George said to himself.

"In that case, I'll be quiet then. Sal lets go." Johnny said.

And with that, Johnny and Sal go to the back of the stage and leave.

"Who's next Scooter?" questioned Kermit.

"Sam the eagle? Wait that can't be right?" Scooter said trying to figure out what was going on.

Sam comes walking on to the front stage.

"Kermit, it has come to my attention that you need real American music. Music that will inspire people. Music that will make people come to this theater over and over again. Not a band that could peel the paint off with their sound. I demand you get a band that has traditional American values." Sam said, very passionately.

"And who would that be Sam?" Kermit asked.

"The Boston Pops orchestra." Sam responded. "I know quite a few people in the orchestra. They are a wholesome American band that will lead the audience each night. They are the best!"

"They're not for us Sam. Next." Kermit said.

"What, how dare you. You can not get rid of me. I am Sam the eagle." said Sam.

"You want to join George over there in the back?" questioned Kermit.

"Your threats don't frighten me frog. Only your actions do, and they've been frightening me for the last 20 years." Sam said. Now that I've said that, I will leave and call the Boston Pops orechestra. John Williams will be angry at you.

Sam leaves the stage. Scooter continues to call out names and Kermit and the gang continue to listen.

It is now the last name on the list and Kermit has heard enough.

'Look I'm sorry, but I can't use you." Kermit said.

"But I was on American Idol. I sang the song She Bangs." said William Hung.

"And that's why I'm not hiring you. Goodbye." Kermit said.

William Hung looked down at the ground and walked off.

"What was wrong with that guy. I like that song he sang." Gonzo said.

Everybody stares at Gonzo with a "it figures" look. Kermit looked at the ground and sighed. He couldn't find a band to replace the Electric Mayhem and the show was tonight.

ryan

 

[TogetherAgain]

<shakes head> Muppets don't have much luck with auditions, do they? It was pretty funny, though. Love how Kermit kept threatening to send everyone in back with George. I want more! Please.

 

[The Count]

Some rully good stuff in this chapter Ryan. OK, let's go over the highlights.

1 Kiss showing up to rock with the EM instead of auditioning, and smashing part of the theater stage's floor with their guitars.
2 Tony Bennett, borrowed from that MT episode did you? Worked rully great.
3 Kermit telling this guy who was on American Idol he can't hire him? Because he "was" on American Idol?
Finally!!! There is some justice in this world after all!
Post when ready with the next bit, please.

 

[ryhoyarbie]

Tony Bennett was on Muppets Tonight? I didn't know.......

ryan