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TMS outline- Andy Kaufman!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Dec 13, 2007.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    The late Andy Kaufman, for those of you who don't know, was a very different sort of comedian who, well, basically amused himself at the expense of the audience. In his early acts, he'd lip-synch to "Mighty Mouse" and other assorted records, and he'd pretend he was a foreigner and do lousy non-impressions, then turn it on it's head with a stunning Elvis impersonation (said to Elvis's favorite). In his unaired TV special he asked that the vertical hold go out of alignment for a few minutes so that the audience at home would get up and hit their sets. His career more or less ended over a public reaction to his feud with wrestler Jerry Lawler. For more info:

    I happened to come up with what I consider a brilliant plot device, one that's perfectly in keeping with Kaufman's 'thumb his nose at the audience' style. Submitted for your approval:

    "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Andy Kaufman! YAAAYYY!"


    STYLE: LATE SEASON FIVE (circa Debbie Harry, Chris Langham)

    COLD OPENING: Pops is playing with a paddleball. Andy enters.

    Pops: "Hey, who're you?"

    Andy: "I'm Sir Laurence Olivier. I'm the guest star on tonight's show."

    Pops: "Hold up, there! I recognize you: you're Andy Kaufman. The comedian feller!"

    Andy: "I see you've outfoxed me, sir."

    Pops: "Yes, well you can't pull the wool over my eyes."

    Andy: "No?"

    Pops: "No."

    Andy: "I guess I'll just have to drop the wool over them."

    Pops: "What's that supposed to mean?"

    (Andy pulls a lever over Pops' head, releasing a load of sheep from the ceiling. They all land on Pops.)

    Andy: "Say what you will; I can't resist a sheep shot."

    (The sheep gather around him, laughing.)

    GONZO: the Punch puppet is in Gonzo's trumpet

    CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to another evening of The Muppet Show! And do we have a show for you! Well, in fact, you might say that we do. And it’s because our guest star is that great comedian, surrealist entertainer, song-and-dance man, and all-around weird person, Mr. Andy Kaufman! Yes! But first! For our opening numbers on the show, the Muppets have gone to many places: cities, states, countries, planets, to name a few. Well tonight, it’s another first folks. Yes, here is tonight's opening number, in the unmentionable place! YAAAAYYYY!"

    OPENING NUMBER: "In the Cool, Cool, Cool of the Evening"- the Devil and his minions sing in 'the unmentionable place' while a worker installs an air conditioner. At the end, the air conditioner instantly breaks down.

    Devil: "Oh, for the love of -- "
    (Thunderclap & lightning flash)
    Devil: "I'm sorry!"

    (He quakes and shivers.)

    Waldorf: "Shameful opening number. What did you think?"
    Statler: "Well, I'll say this for it -- at last we can tell this show where to go!"
    (S & W laugh.)

    BACKSTAGE: Andy does his 'foreign man' bit for the Muppets.

    "And now, de, de Kermit Frog. Hi-ho, I am de, de Kermit Frog. Dis -- dis is my show. Welcome to my show! Is -- is crazy! Everybody is crazy! I -- Piggy, I don't -- I don't want to go out with you, Piggy! Is crazy, everything is bonkers... YAAAAAYYYY!"

    Gonzo: "Kermit, this guy is fantastic! It's high time we had something cultural on this show."

    (Andy's walking funny on his way to the stage, and a sneeze is heard but not seen from Andy.)

    Andy: "Gesundheit."

    Kermit: "I didn't sneeze."

    Andy: "Oh, must've been my imagination."

    Kermit: "But I heard it."

    Andy: "Oh, then it must've been your imagination."

    (Andy goes to the stage.)

    Kermit (to the camera): "What was that all about?"

    (He shrugs.)

    SKETCH: Link is captain of a submarine being attacked by the Russians. In the midst of the battle, there's a knock on the door. They let the diver in- he's an insurance salesman with a suspicious Russian accent, and only Scooter makes the connection (Link is too busy filling out a premium). After the salesman has sold everyone a policy, he leaves... and the Russian sub miraculously stops attacking.

    (Static interrupts S & W's comment, returning the picture to normal while they're laughing, after the joke.)

    BACKSTAGE: Kermit compliments Andy on the previous sketch. Andy thanks him, then another sneeze is heard. Andy freezes as a disembodied voice speaks.

    VOICE: "Oh. Sorry, I gotta put this thing down."

    (Andy, still apparently lifeless, leans forward, and a fat blue Whatnot man with fluffy black hair pops up from under him.)

    Kermit: "What's going on? Who are you?"

    Whatnot (Roscoe): "Oh, my name's Roscoe Boomer. I'm a puppeteer. This is my most famous character, Andy Kaufman."

    Kermit: "But -- but what happened to the REAL Andy Kaufman?"

    Roscoe: "There IS no real Andy Kaufman. He's a puppet! Always has been."

    Kermit: "If there's anything I can't stand, it's puppeteers who won't allow their audience to find out that their puppets aren't real."

    Roscoe: "Takes one to know one, buster! I'm heading up to the dressing room for a short break. Let me know when Andy's on again next, okay pal?"

    (He exits. Fozzie enters.)

    Fozzie: "Kermit? What's wrong? You look upset."

    Kermit: "I just found out that Andy Kaufman doesn't exist."

    Fozzie: "Wha?"

    Kermit: "He's a puppet!"

    Fozzie: "No!"

    Kermit: "Yes!"

    Fozzie: "And here I thought he was as real as -- as --"

    Kermit: "As you or me!"

    Fozzie: "Right!"

    (They simultaneously do a take, look at each other, and look at the camera.)

    SONG: "When I'm Sixty-Four"- Bobby Benson's Baby Band plays and sings in a giant crib in a nursery set

    DRESSING ROOM: Robin plays with the Andy Kaufman puppet, until Roscoe catches him at it.

    Roscoe: "Hey, get away from that, little frog! That puppet is expensive! Do you know how many man hours it takes to make one of these? Sheesh!"

    (Kermit enters.)

    Kermit: "What's going on up here? What's all the yelling?"

    Roscoe: "Your son, or whomever, was messing around with my puppet."

    Robin: "Sorry, Uncle Kermit. Sorry, Mister."

    Roscoe: "Fine, fine, just don't do it again."

    Robin: "I won't do it again."

    Roscoe: "Good."

    Kermit (leads Robin toward the door): "Come on, Robin. It's a sick business, this puppeteering."

    (Robin nods, and he and Kermit exit, as Roscoe examines Andy.)

    VET'S HOSPITAL: the Devil is the patient. His blood type is 'O Heck'.

    UK SPOT: "You're Sixteen, You're Beautiful, and You're Mine"- a boy sings to a girl outside her window, but gets a flowerpot dropped on his head by her other beau -- Beautiful Day Monster!

    BACKSTAGE: Kermit wants to find a replacement for Andy.

    Roscoe: "Hey, I've kept up this ruse for this long, I've done live television -- I certainly think I can make it through THIS crummy show."

    (Kermit still insists on putting on a replacement; enter Tony Clifton.)

    TONY'S ACT: Amidst his nasty jokes, Tony Clifton is mean to the Muppets, dumping water on Nigel the Conductor's head, shaking his cigar ashes into Zoot's sax, and generally insulting the band. This delights Statler & Waldorf, until he closes in on them as well. Finally, Floyd undoes Animal's chain, allowing Animal to attack Tony and chase him off the stage. (Chris Langham monologue set, with view of orchestra pit)

    GONZO: plays the accordion while sitting in an easy chair suspended from an airplane (of course, he gets more and more into the song and falls out.)

    MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.

    "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Police are searching for the origin of a batch of mysterious gag letters which began circulating earlier this month. Dubious reports have claimed that readers were magically transformed into lizards after reading the text of the letter, the incantation Rezal Evad Gib."

    (The Newsman turns into a lizard.)

    SWEDISH CHEF: makes and decorates gingerbread men, which come to life and try to escape. He demands they get back on the plate, and when they refuse, he catches them in a cookie jar. As he picks up one of them to eat, he gets clobbered by 6 foot tall gingerbread man (from the Don Knotts episode), who sets the others free.

    Waldorf: "Heh heh heh! I thought that was okay, didn't you?"
    Statler: "Of course not! I HATE gingerbread!"
    (The puppet gingerbread man pops up behind Statler and clocks him one with his peppermint cane. Waldorf chuckles.)
    Waldorf: "Looks like you got the sticky end again!"
    (He laughs harder.)

    BACKSTAGE: Roscoe the puppeteer tells Kermit that in order to show Andy in full-size, he uses a life-sized puppet with a costume head.

    Kermit: "Uh, sure, whatever."
    (into intercom)
    "Uh, big monsters on stage for the next number!"

    CLOSING NUMBER: "Don't Be Cruel"- Andy & company impersonate Elvis (included are Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Robin, Link, the Mutations, and Sweetums, with Annie Sue, Janice, and a chicken among the screaming teenybopper fans). At the end, he shoots the cast down with his guitar, before getting mobbed by the screaming female Muppets.

    CURTAIN: Roscoe enters with Andy on his arm. Kermit tries to explain to the audience when, out of nowhere, a sneeze is heard below Roscoe. A second camera pulls down to reveal that the puppeteer is really a puppet, puppeteered by Andy. Andy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Robin, Link, Annie Sue, Beauregard, Rizzo, and two babies gather around.

    (A sneeze is heard but not seen.)

    W: "Where did that come from?"
    S: "I don't know -- but don't look down!"
    (S & W laugh.)

    Comments encouraged as always.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    What Muppets appeared as Russians? Also the diver is a Whatnot, right or wrong?

    The boy and girl are Whatnots, right or wrong?

    What lizard does the Newsman turn into?
  3. kathy26

    kathy26 Member

    can you do a muppet show outline that takes place in the third season with Perry Como as the guest star please?
  4. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I can't believe I forgot. It's Andy Kaufman.


    The one from 'Emmett Otter' and later seasons of TMS.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  5. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    Who performed the following characters:

    -The Devil's minions
    -Roscoe Boomer
    -Bobby Benson's Baby Band
    -the boy and girl on "You're Sixteen"
    -Beautiful Day Monster
    -any of the Gingerbread Men

    Also, what female Muppets are in the closing number?
  6. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Excellent outline! I'm a big fan of Andy, and he would have made a perfect guest on TMS!:)
  7. BlueAM

    BlueAM New Member

    Good work on your outline! I really like Andy's work. I LOVE the "Foreign Man" bit that he does in front of the gang!

    I've been working on a Paul Frees outline set in Season Four (it's a Halloween episode, because he was the Haunted Mansion's "Ghost Host"). I thought that it would be funny to do an outline with a performer who was a professional voiceover man, and also because I admire his work. Here's a little idea I had that could be in it:

    U.K. Spot: "The Money Cat": A bunch of black cats (on a fence set) sing the song from the animated film "Gay Purr-ee".

    Clever in joke, because Paul was the voice of Meowrice (the villain) in the movie, and Meowrice sang that song in the film!

    What do you think?

  8. MGov

    MGov New Member

    Actually, his career more or less ended because he died.
  9. Bill Bubble Guy

    Bill Bubble Guy Active Member

    Great work Dave. I really only remember Andy Kaufman from his appearances as Tony Clifton on the Fantastic Miss Piggy Show Special. I take it he looks very different when he's not playing that role. I had guessed that he was meant to be the insurance salesman in that sketch with Link from the context of the talk with Kermit immediately following. A great concept.
  10. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Let me amend what I said. The fracas with Jerry Lawler caused public opinion to turn against him; he was summarily voted off SNL forever.

    -The Devil's minions: well, he had 3, so I'd say Richard, Frank and Jim; also appearing in the number would be the Repairman (Steve), a cow, a pig, an octopus and one of the Gills Bros. (most of whom wouldn't speak, maybe a cow moo and pig squeal from Dave)

    -Roscoe Boomer: hmm, y'know, I never did think about who would play him. Was thinking Richard or Steve, but a lot of these incidental characters were usually played by Dave (such as Inspector LaBrea in the Dizzy Gillespie episode).

    -Bobby Benson's Baby Band: the usual performers, probably Louise Gold on the lead vocal

    -the boy and girl on "You're Sixteen": Steve & Louise
    -Beautiful Day Monster: Richard
    -any of the Gingerbread Men: don't speak

    Whatnot females and some chickens.

    And Marty, if you want to know what Andy Kaufman looks like/know more about him, click on the Wikipedia link in the initial post in this thread.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  11. kathy26

    kathy26 Member

    who appeared in the backstage of any scenes?
  12. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    You know, for the 2nd S & W comment, the one interrupted by static, it should probably read like this in order to explain the context of the joke:

    Waldorf: "You know, I heard that in one of his TV specials, Andy Kaufman actually ASKED for them to mess with the picture during one part."
    Statler: "That's the silliest thing I ever --"

    Also Roscoe in the last backstage scene should be saying full-body costume with a puppet head, not the other way around.

    Perhaps Gonzo's chair should be suspended from a WWI biplane, just to give it some character. :)

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

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