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TMS outline- Jack Gilford!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Jun 14, 2003.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    My sixth TMS outline was completed just moments ago, after months of sweat!

    The guest is character actor Jack Gilford, twice Tony-nominated for originating the roles of nervous slave Hysterium in the Sondheim musical "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" and of Herr Schmidt in "Cabaret". He was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1973 for his turn as Jack Lemmon's conscientious business manager who opposes his boss's plans to hire an arsonist to do an insurance fire for them in "Rocky" director John G. Avildsen's penetrating character study "Save the Tiger". His film credits also include the doctor in Mike Nichols' war satire "Catch-22" and Bernie Lefkowitz, the senior citizen reluctant to take advantage of the alien fountain of youth in Ron Howard's "Cocoon". He also made a number of notable TV guest appearances, including playing Judd Hirsch's irresponsible father on "Taxi", a notable two-part episode of "The Golden Girls" in which his and Estelle Getty's characters, both widowed people who, with their spouses, were a group of good friends who go way back, decide to marry each other, and also a recurring role on "Soap". Most baby boomers remember him from Crackerjack commercials in the 1960s.

    Little known fact (thanks to TravellingMatt!)- he appeared on an episode of "Sesame Street" as Mr. Hooper's brother!

    If you can't picture him, he was a short, loveable, cute and cuddly little old man with curly, fuzzy gray hair, beady brown eyes, a prominent nose, mushy, baggy jowls and a high raspy voice. Here then, submitted for your enjoyment, "It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star Mr. Jack Gilford!"


    STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa George Burns episode)


    SCOOTER: “Jack Gilford! 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Gilford!”

    JACK: “Thank you Scooter. Say, could you give me some help, please?”

    PULL BACK to reveal THOG sitting in the dressing room, his right arm around Jack and sucking his thumb with his left hand.

    SCOOTER: “Oh, I’m sorry about that! Don’t worry, it’s just till his teddy bear comes out of the laundry. It’s in the dryer now.”

    JACK: “Oh. Anything I ought to do in the meantime?”

    SCOOTER: “Yeah. Hope that he still wants it back!”

    Jack looks at the camera, terrified.

    S & W: S: “What suckers for punishment we are!”
    Gonzo: a balloon comes out of his trumpet, inflates, and pops

    OPENING NUMBER: “Come Go With Me”- sung by four Muppet Doo-Wops

    Waldorf: “I’m going to use the restroom. You want me to get you a program on the way back?”

    Statler: “Why? We already know what’s going to be on the show tonight-”

    S & W: “GARBAGE! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

    Backstage: Miss Piggy eavesdrops on Kermit talking to Miss Mousey about their former relationship and her appearance coming up in the show. What she misses is their talk about herself and her other half, Droop.

    SONG: “Sentimental Journey”- Jack and Fozzie sing as Canadian Mountees dragging Boppity Frackle to jail

    Waldorf: “Boy that Jack Gilford is a great performer.”

    Statler: “Oh yes.”

    Waldorf: “Seems like a real good sport, a really nice man.”

    Statler: “Well he must be nice- he hasn’t run away from this awful show yet!”

    S & W: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

    SONG: “Sunday Will Never be the Same”- Janice sings, backed by the Electric Mayhem

    Droop enters Statler and Waldorf’s box.

    Droop: “Hey, do you guys mind if I sit up here? My gal is in the next act and I don’t wanna miss it.”

    Statler and Waldorf exchange glances.

    Waldorf: “Better have a word with the janitor. Place is overdue for fumigating.”

    Statler: “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

    Backstage/Kermit's Dressing Room: Piggy puts her ear to Kermit’s dressing room and hears Kermit reminiscing with Miss Mousey about their past relationship, and telling her how talented she is and how she could be a star. This furthers Piggy’s suspicions that her two worst nightmares, losing her starring role on the show and losing her frog, are BOTH coming true.

    SKETCH: “Knight in Shining Armor”- Jack, as Sir Gilford, receives word from a peasant woman (Miss Mousey) that he must rescue Maid Piggy from the Purple Dragon. Riding atop his noble steed (the Muppet horse) and armed with the (Muppet) Singing Sword, he must cross the ‘Troll Bridge’ and answer the riddle of the Troll (Gonzo) before reaching the Purple Dragon’s lair. Unfortunately, once he does battle with the dragon, the dragon accidentally throws Miss Piggy over his shoulder instead of dropping her into Jack’s arms (“That wasn’t supposed to go this way!”) and she ends up in bandages courtesy of a roving medic- Dr. Bob! (MP: “Oh, no.”)

    UK SPOT: “The Happy Organ”- Dr. Teeth plays the Dave ‘Baby’ Cortez instrumental

    Dressing Room: Jack comforts Piggy about her injury. She's very appreciative, that is until Kermit comes in to tell her she’s being replaced by Miss Mousey in the closing number. Cue tantrum.

    MUPPET LABS: Head-Massaging Helmet- it goes overactive on Beaker’s temples and starts mashing his head in; unfortunately, they can’t shut it off either

    Statler (to Droop): “As long as you’re up here, why don’t you make yourself useful?”

    Droop: “How?”

    Statler (holds up cane): “Here! Tie this around your waist and I’ll dust mop the floor!”

    S & W: “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

    SWEDISH CHEF: he makes a pizza with everything (repeat: everything)

    Backstage: Piggy is determined to reclaim her number. Kermit tries to appease her by telling her that there’s nothing between him and Miss Mousey (although she's not entirely sure she believes him). It’s just that Miss Mousey is ‘next in line’ after Miss Piggy.

    Piggy: “Oh, well I guess I can see his point. After all…” (realizes) “NEXT IN LINE?!”

    CLOSING NUMBER: “It Had to Be You”- Jack does a duet with Miss Mousey, accompanied by Rowlf and backed by Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Link, Nigel, and Lenny the Lizard. Piggy enters and tries to get rid of Miss Mousey, but Jack convinces her not to. He persuades her that Kermit is still her frog (pointing out Miss Mousey’s boyfriend in S & W’s box), it’s still her show and she’s still the star even if Miss Mousey does the closing number, and suggests that she be the bigger person (“Who are you calling big?” “I meant spiritually.”) She concedes, and Jack, Miss Mousey, and the others finish the number.

    GOODNIGHTS: Kermit says good night to Jack, and brings Miss Mousey back out one more time. Kermit was so pleased with her appearance that he’s prepared to offer her a contract.

    Piggy: “CONTRACT?! WHY YOU-”

    Jack separates Piggy from Kermit and Miss Mousey, as Fozzie and Lenny the Lizard look on.

    Droop gets up to leave.

    Statler: “Where are you going?”

    Droop: “Out to dinner with my girlfriend.”

    Waldorf: “You mean the mouse?”

    Statler and Waldorf start snickering.

    Droop: “At least I have somewhere to go besides here!”

    He leaves. Statler and Waldorf look at each other then sink in their seats.

    Please let me hear your comments. I'd like to know how this one goes over. Later!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. sarah_yzma

    sarah_yzma Active Member

    I loved it!

  3. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    One little addition (you might call it that):

    Picture the set from the opening number on the Don Knotts episode, "Sweet Gingerbread Man". This would be the set that begins the 'Knight in Shining Armor sketch', the part with Jack and Miss Mousey. The rest of the sets would be the same in tone and style, very 'storybookish'. That's the sort of look and feel I envisioned for the sketch, warm browns instead of cold grays. That's all I have to add, really.

    If anyone else has any comments to add, well, add them!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  4. Another good one, Dave Ebersole. Can't wait for your next outlines.

    Good use of the minor characters. I'm especially happy that you included Lenny the Lizard (one of my favorite obscure TMS characters, who hasn't been included in TMS outlines before) in it.

    I hope that Lenny will be included in future TMS outlines.

    Also, I wonder if you'll throw in any Sesame Street cross-overs in your next outlines or if you'll include other "Tales from Muppetland" characters that got left out of the actual series (Splurge, Taminella, Leroy the Donkey, etc.)
  5. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I'm glad you liked it. It actually took a while before I came around to Lenny. I was going to use one of the Frackles, but they were kind of used a lot in Season Two so I tried to think of another background character who could be used and after a little while I remembered Lenny. I liked the idea of using him so much that I included him in the goodnights (where he has never been featured) where I needed a sixth character/person there in addition to Jack, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, and Miss Mousey.

    In answer to your last question, no plans at present to include any SS characters, but in my next outline- set to feature Red Skelton as the guest star- I am planning on using one of the "Tales from Muppetland" characters (albeit one who DID appear occasionally on TMS, just not as prominently as I'm planning) and I'm also going to use very prominently a character from an early Muppet special! I'm also debating whether or not to use any of the SNL Muppets in an outline. More on that idea as it develops.

    Thanks for replying!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  6. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    For those of you unfamiliar with the late Jack Gilford, here are links to some images of him:

    http://pw1.netcom.com/~jeepers/gilford.jpg (from one of his many Crackerjack commercials, http://pw1.netcom.com/ ~jeepers/jingle.html is the page with all the details of the commercial series)


    http://www.aveleyman.com/Gallery2/ActorsG//6549-6939.GIF (reprising his Tony-nominated Broadway turn as Hysterium in the film version of "A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum", 1966)

    http://www.aveleyman.com/Gallery2/ActorsG//6549-3099.GIF (as the doctor in "Catch-22", 1970)

    http://www.bertconvy.net/bccab2.jpg (I think this is from the Broadway production of "Cabaret", in which he was Tony-nominated for playing Herr Schmidt)

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  7. Princeton

    Princeton Guest

    I remember him from The Golden Girls: "Sophia's Wedding, Parts 1 and 2". He had a great line: "Time to play connect the freckles" ;) :zany:
  8. JaniceFerSure

    JaniceFerSure Active Member

    What a great actor.I like how you write Princeton.Good work.I can picture everything;with all the other submissions you've done too.My fav. one so far is the Gene Wilder idea,mostly because I'm a big Wonka & Wilder fan.:cool:
  9. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Hey! This is MY thread! You're only supposed to compliment ME in MY thread! Compliment Princeton in one of PRINCETON'S threads! Yeesh!

    You know this is all in fun, right?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  10. JaniceFerSure

    JaniceFerSure Active Member

    Sorry David,I thought it was Princeton's,my bad.:p
  11. Beauregard

    Beauregard Well-Known Member

    Te, he, he, he
  12. JaniceFerSure

    JaniceFerSure Active Member

    I know,LOL.:crazy: :rolleyes:
  13. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    So you're saying you DID like mine, right?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  14. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member


    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  15. Is the horse Paul Reveare, even though Paul Reveare wasn't created until the Bob Hope episode later on in Season 2?
  16. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    Nope, the horse is Sesame Street's Fred the Wonder Horse.
  17. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Nope, it's Paul Revere. Little oversight.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  18. Even though Paul Reveare wasn't created until the Bob Hope episode, later on in Season 2.
  19. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    I'm sure it's actually Fred the Wonder Horse of "Sesame Street" since Paul was never built until the Bob Hope episode.
  20. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    No, I just answered the question and I said it was an oversight on my part. Why are you contradicting answers I gave to questions that were addressed to ME?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

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