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TMS outline- Kenneth Mars!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Tall, broad comic actor known especially for his foreign dialects and zany, over-the-top characters. He played Nazi playwright Franz Liebkind in Mel Brooks's first film "The Producers" (1968), has provided numerous animation voices, including King Triton in Disney's "The Little Mermaid", and msot recently featured in a recurring role on "Malcolm in the Middle" as German rancher Otto Mannkusser. Submitted for your approval:

    "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Kenneth Mars!"


    STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa Dom DeLuise, John Cleese)

    COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and sticks his head in.

    Scooter: "Kenneth Mars! Oh, 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Mars!"

    Kenneth: "Thank you, Scooter."

    Scooter: "And I just want you to know, we won't be making any jokes on your name tonight."

    Kenneth: "Well thanks, I appreciate that. As you can see, I have nothing to do with the planet Mars."

    (Koozebanians enter.)

    Kenneth: "Now Koozebane, on the other hand..."

    S & W: Statler: "Boy I wish we'd taken that wrong turn."
    GONZO: honks out a low note on the horn

    OPENING NUMBER: "Right Place, Wrong Time"- Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem (blue-green background, same angle as Rudolf Nureyev opening #)

    Statler: "Now there's a sentiment I can relate to."

    Waldorf: "How's that?"

    Statler: "This is definitely the wrong time to be in this place!"

    (They chuckle.)

    Waldorf: "Then it's actually the wrong place at the wrong time."

    (They laugh.)

    BACKSTAGE: Kermit enters the backstage to find a catapult sitting there.

    Kermit: "What the-- Well, there's only one person who could possibly be responsible for this. Gonzo!"

    (Gonzo enters with a whoosh.)

    Gonzo: "Yes, Kermit?"

    Kermit: "Gonzo, what is this catapult doing backstage?"

    Gonzo: "Oh, it's for my NEW ACT! I hurl myself Heaven-ward in this catapult and sky-write the Declaration of Independence!"

    Kermit: "Uh, Gonzo, we don't have that kind of time on this show. Now will you get this catapult out of here?"

    Gonzo: "Okay, okay."
    (to himself)
    "I don't see what the problem is."

    (Kermit pulls on the lowered end of the catapult and Gonzo pushes on the other. Fozzie enters.)

    Fozzie: "Hi Kermit. Oh, hey Gonzo! What is this?"

    (Fozzie bats lightly at the catapult lever with his fingertips.)

    Kermit: "No, Fozzie, don't touch that!"

    (The catapult fires, sending Kermit headfirst through the ceiling with a crash.)

    Fozzie: "Kermit! Oh! Are you hurt?"

    Kermit: "Uh, no I don't think so, but I am stuck. Scooter!

    (Scooter enters.)

    Scooter: "Yeah, boss? Boss?"

    (Fozzie and Gonzo point upward. Scooter looks.)

    Scooter: "Boss! What happened?!"

    Kermit: "Uh, I'll tell you later. I need you to be in charge down there until I can get my head unstuck. Get the next act on stage and introduce Ken Mars."

    Scooter: "Right, Boss!"

    (He goes.)

    Fozzie: "Come on, Gonzo. Let's get him down."

    Gonzo: "Yeah. First let's get this catapult back to the rental place."

    (They push it out.)

    Kermit: "I'll just hang around here."

    SKETCH: "Jeeves, the Robot Butler"- a wealthy Englishman brings a new toy home to his wife's chagrin. That toy is Jeeves, the robot butler (Kenneth). He functions well at first, bringing them tea and cakes and answering the phone, but a slight tea spill on his arm causes him to start short-circuiting. He speaks backwards, pours hot tea on the Master, tears off the Mistress's wig, and starts breaking dishes. When the Master and Mistress run away screaming, Jeeves calmly sits down and sips a cup of tea... and then explodes.

    Waldorf: "I would argue that this is the wrong place at the right time."

    Statler: "The right time?"

    Waldorf: "The right time to see something wrong!"

    (They laugh.)

    BACKSTAGE: Sweetums and Thog try to get Kermit down-- by taking turns batting at him with a tennis racket!

    Fozzie: "Look on the bright side-- if all else fails, you can consider a career as a piñata! Ah! Ahhhh!"

    A SOLO BY ANIMAL: Animal plays the drums and 'sings' an excerpt from "Down By the Old Mill Stream", but gets water dumped on him.

    DRESSING ROOM: Kenneth argues with the Swedish Chef. Scooter enters.

    Scooter: "What's all the trouble?"

    Kenneth: "Oh, hi Scooter. The Chef and I were just arguing about the finer points of post-Dickensian economics."

    (Kenneth resumes making his point to the Chef, who rebuffs it. They start arguing again.)

    "Boy, not often we have a guest on this show who's weirder than WE are!"

    (He looks back at Kenneth and the Chef arguing, and leaves.)

    AT THE DANCE: music begins. Cut to red-haired Whatnot man dancing with blonde, pink sweater-clad Whatnot woman.

    Man: "Boy, it's getting late. We should really be heading for home."

    Woman: "Are you still tired from having to push the car?"

    Man: "Tired? I'm exhausted!"

    (Cut to blue mustached Whatnot man and duck-billed woman.)

    Woman: "I think it's time we thought about going home. My dogs are killing me."

    Man: "Frankly I don't know why you insisted on bringing them."

    (Turn to reveal Rover Joe and Muppy chomping at duck-billed woman from the back. Cut to green Whatnot man and dark curly-haired female Whatnot.)

    Man: "It's late. We should really be getting home- the lids are getting heavy."

    Woman: "I told you not to accessorize so heavily."

    (The couple turns to reveal the man's suit draped in lids from pots and pans. Cut to Boppity and pink girl.)

    Girl: "I think it's about time we called it a night."

    Boppity: "I'm glad to hear you say that. I can't take another step."

    Girl: "Because you're tired too?"

    Boppity: "No, because my shoelaces are tied together. Whoop!"

    (He trips and they both fall over. Cut to silver-haired Whatnot woman and bald gray Whatnot man.)

    Man: "It's late, we should go home and straight to bed. After all, if I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky in the morning."

    Woman: "Cranky? You're positively explosive."

    (Crazy Harry enters.)

    Crazy Harry: "Did somebody say explosive?"

    Man: "What?"

    (Crazy Harry blows them both up.)

    UK SPOT: "Underneath the Arches"- Piggy sings in her usual set

    SONG: “Bad Moon Rising”- jug band in red-lit barn set

    BACKSTAGE: Scooter throws a rope up to Kermit, unaware that it's actually Bunsen Honeydew's new invention... Exploding Rope.

    Kermit: "What?!"


    Bunsen: "Hmm, looks like it's ready for shipping."

    (He does his trademark chuckle.)

    SKETCH: Fozzie, as Patrolman Bear, questions Slavic ringmaster Emile Gornik-Larch (Kenneth) about some illegally imported monsters. Gornik-Larch denies the allegation. Fozzie says he's going to have a look around. He goes to the closet.

    Fozzie: "Hmm, nothing but clothing."

    (He turns around, as Big Mama lunges at him from behind the clothing. Gornik-Larch leaps in to intercede, pushing Big Mama back into the closet and closing the door.)

    Fozzie: "What was that?"

    Gornik-Larch: "Old proverb from my country-- never leave a door open unattended."

    Fozzie: "My mother used to say the same thing."

    (They turn. Gornik-Larch turns back to see Big Mama's paw fumbling for the closet doorknob. He slams the door on her hand and shoves it back inside. She growls.)

    Fozzie: "What was that?"

    Gornik-Larch: "Uh, uh--"
    (yells out window)
    "Hey, keep it down out there."

    (Behind Fozzie, some Snerfs pop out of desk drawers and Miss Kitty pops out of a file cabinet. Gornik-Larch motions for them to get down now. The drawers slam. Fozzie wheels around too late to see them.)

    Fozzie: "Now wait a second, what is going on here?!"

    Gornik-Larch: "Heh, it's an old trailer, makes too much noise."

    Fozzie: "Are you sure it's not haunted?"

    (Behind Fozzie, a purple fuzzy hand reaches out from the dresser, trying to grab Fozzie.)

    Gornik-Larch: "You're not the first person to-- GASP!"

    (Gorgon Heap has stuck his head out from the dresser, and is about to swallow Fozzie. Gornik-Larch leaps out of his seat and shoves Gorgon back inside the dresser.)

    Gornik-Larch: "Uh, not the first person to make that remark. Sometimes I think it's haunted too. Doors coming open and all that. Probably just because we're parked on uneven ground."

    Fozzie: "Seemed fine to me."

    (Gloat pops out of the other file cabinet, and growls. Fozzie turns around, and sees him.)

    Fozzie: "Hey, who's that?"

    Gornik-Larch: "Oh, uh... her?"

    (Fozzie and Gloat are both startled. Gornik-Larch walks over.)

    Gornik-Larch: "You are referring of course to my lovely wife, Nadia."

    Fozzie: "That's a lovely wife?"

    Gornik-Larch: "You make fun?"

    Fozzie: "No, no. It's just, uh, she looks different than I expected... you sure that's your wife?"

    Gornik-Larch: "Of course I'm sure!"

    (He kisses Gloat's snout. He's disgusted. Gloat is flattered and starts planting kisses of his own. Gornik-Larch shoves him back in the drawer and closes it.)

    Gornik-Larch: "She's very sensitive about her appearance, and her size, so she hides in the file cabinet. All the time, people pick, pick, pick! You should be ashamed!"

    Fozzie: "Boy, am I. I'm sorry. Hey, I should be going. Obviously nothing to find here. Please extend my apologies to your, uh, charming wife."

    (Fozzie leaves.)

    Gornik-Larch: "I guess I showed him who's boss!"

    (The monsters all jump out and attack him.)

    Waldorf: "Boy, that Kenneth Mars should be more careful."

    Statler: "About where he keeps monsters?"

    Waldorf: "No, about which shows he guest stars on."

    (They laugh.)

    SONG: “Valse Brilliante”- Rowlf plays Chopin (this song is also featured in a Sesame Street clip, one with footage of pink flamingos)

    WINGS: Scooter keeps an eye on the show. Piggy enters.

    Piggy: "Scooter! How's Kermit doing?"

    Scooter: "All right, I guess, but we still haven't gotten him down."

    Piggy: "Oh no!"

    Scooter: "Not to worry, though, Fozzie and Gonzo are up on top of the ladder trying to get him."

    (Piggy goes backstage.)

    BACKSTAGE: Piggy looks up.

    Fozzie (off-screen): "Be careful. Ow!"

    Gonzo (off-screen): "I don't remember you making this kind of fuss when you stepped on my hand!"

    Piggy: "Hey quiet down up there! Kermie!"

    Kermit: "Look who's here."

    Fozzie: "Okay... Oh boy, Gonzo, don't look down. Whoa!"

    Gonzo: "Getting dizzy?"

    Kermit: "I didn't mean actually look."

    Piggy: "Oh, Kermie! Oh my poor frog! What grave, terrible thoughts must be running through your mind as you dangle in distress!"

    Kermit: "Not really, no. Although I did have one terrible thought while my mind was wandering."

    Piggy: "Oh?"

    Kermit: "Yeah, a picture of us married."

    (Fozzie & Gonzo both laugh. Piggy karate chops the ladder. Fozzie & Gonzo both fall off. Piggy storms off.)

    CURTAIN: Scooter enters.

    Scooter: "And now, for our closing number, we proudly present the Koozebanian Symphony Orchestra with featured artists the Four Fazoobs and guest soloist Mr. Kenneth Mars, to perform the first act finale from the Wagnerian opera 'Siegfried', ladies and gentlemen --"

    (The male Koozebanian taps him on the shoulder, hands him a new intro, and dashes off. Scooter reads it.)

    Scooter: "Oh-- uh, to perform the first act finale from the Koozebanian opera 'Siegfried Goes to the Hardware Store'--" (Scooter shrugs.) "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kenneth Mars!"

    CLOSING NUMBER: "Finale from Siegfried Goes to the Hardware Store"- guest soloist Kenneth performs with featured artists the Four Fazoobs and the all-Koozebanian orchestra (which includes four Merdlidops in two stand-alone instruments that look like blue walls, as well as the Phoob and the three aliens from "Hugga Wugga"). It takes place in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon animal act.

    The story centers on a hardware clerk (male Koozebanian) who falls in love with Siegfried's wife, Brunhilde (female Koozebanian). In his outrage, Siegfried starts destroying things with his magic spear. Kenneth's magic spear shoots off lightning bolts but goes out of control. He destroys one of the blue instruments (but the Merdlidops escape safely), he zaps the male Koozebanian into the audience, and shoots a hole in the theater next to Statler & Waldorf's box. Trying to regain control, he points it at the ceiling backstage-- which enlarges the hole where Kermit is stuck, thus bringing him down.

    CURTAIN: Kenneth enters.

    Kenneth: "Thank you, Kermit. It's been a great experience, and very educational."

    Kermit: "Educational?"

    Kenneth: "Yes, my Koozebanian-language skills have improved markedly. I'm told now that my accent is perfect."

    (The Four Fazoobs and, in a stand-alone blue instrument, two Merdlidops, enter with loud protests.)

    Kenneth: "Well... passable anyway."

    (Kermit laughs.)

    Kermit: "Okay! Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

    (Kenneth, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, the Four Fazoobs, and two Merdlidops all gather 'round.)

    Statler: "Well finally we're in the wrong place at the right time."

    Waldorf: "Yeah, the show's over!"

    (They laugh.)

    Comments encouraged.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. minor muppetz

    minor muppetz Well-Known Member

    This is one of your best outlines. However, I do have one nitpick. You mention that this takes place during the second season, yet you have Fozzie Bear play patrolman bear in one sketch. Bear on Patrol was first seen in the thrid season. Or is this just Fozzie portraying a cop, not neccessarily portraying a regular role?
  3. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    It's just Fozzie playing a cop, sort of a prelude to "Bear on Patrol" if you will.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  4. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    Do any of the Koozebanians appear in the cold opening? If so, who?

    What monsters appear besides Big Mama, Gloat, Gorgon Heap, the Snerfs, and Miss Kitty?

    Also, who performed these characters?

    -Englishman's wife
    -Red-haired Whatnot man
    -Blond woman with pink sweater
    -Blue mustached Whatnot man
    -Duck-billed woman
    -Rover Joe
    -Green Whatnot man
    -Brunette Whatnot woman
    -Pink girl
    -Bald gray Whatnot man
    -Silver-haired Whatnot woman
    -Big Mama
    -Miss Kitty
    -Gorgon Heap
    -Hugga Wugga aliens
    -Male Koozebanian (Siegfried)
    -Female Koozebanian (Brunhilde)
  5. Princeton

    Princeton Well-Known Member

    Boy, this is an outline I barely saw coming!:p Although, truth be told, I did consider doing an outline with Kenneth Mars. I just know so little about him (but then again, that certainly din't stop me from doing a Jack Benny outline!) And what timing, I must say! Kenneth did the voice of King Triton (as you mentioned) and I bought my Little Mermaid DVD today!:excited: So, Dave, what other GH outlines are on the way?
  6. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    Where are you, Dave???
  7. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Male, female, and baby Koozebanians, trumpet-nosed Fazoob, fish-faced Fazoob, and Koozebanian Phoob.


    -Englishman: Jerry
    -Englishman's wife: Louise
    -Red-haired Whatnot man: Jerry
    -Blond woman with pink sweater: Jerry
    -Blue mustached Whatnot man: Richard
    -Duck-billed woman: Richard
    -Rover Joe: Jim
    -Muppy: Jim
    -Green Whatnot man: Dave
    -Brunette Whatnot woman: Dave
    -Boppity: Frank
    -Pink girl: Frank
    -Bald gray Whatnot man: Jim
    -Silver-haired Whatnot woman: Louise
    -Big Mama: Richard
    -Snerfs: don't speak
    -Miss Kitty: Jerry
    -Gorgon Heap: Dave
    -Gloat: Jim
    -Fazoobs: same as Steve Martin episode
    -Merdlidops: Dave
    -Phoob: doesn't speak, just plays instruments
    -Hugga Wugga aliens: don't speak, just play instruments
    -Male Koozebanian (Siegfried): Frank
    -Female Koozebanian (Brunhilde): Louise

    Male Koozebanian is actually the hardware store clerk; Kenneth is Siegfried.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  8. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    What outlines will you work on next? The one with John Ritter? What else?
  9. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Not sure which outline is next. Problem with the Leon Redbone and John Ritter outlines is I have no plotline for either, or most of the acts. It'll probably come down to which of my outlines are nearest to completion. My outlines with Rodney Dangerfield, Shari Lewis, Tom Jones, and Neil Diamond are probably closest.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  10. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Rodney Dangerfield: late Season One (circa Twiggy episode)
    Shari Lewis: mid-late Season Two (circa Elton John episode)
    Tom Jones: mid-late Season Two (circa Lou Rawls episode)
    Neil Diamond: mid Season Four (circa Dudley Moore episode)

    I just looked at them and they're all pretty short of details (for example, I know I want a Muppet Labs and a Vets Hospital in the Tom Jones one but don't know what the invention will be in ML or who'll be the patient in VH). I'll try and keep you posted on my progress, but I do have a lot going now (including revising my first screenplay in order to send it to any and all movers and shakers I can).

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  11. Bill Bubble Guy

    Bill Bubble Guy Well-Known Member

    I see I never replied to this outline Dave:o

    Well I loved the running gag about trying to get Kermit down from up above and the jokes in At the Dance. Also Kenneth and Fozzie's sketch with all the monsters:D Good work.
  12. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    How about a Muppet Labs invention called remote-controlled roller skates and Boppity as a patient for Vet's Hospital.
  13. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Well, I'll likely use Boppity in a VH sketch at some point, could be this one.

    Remote-controlled roller skates: nice:D

    You sure you don't want to write outlines? You have lots of ideas, why not take a stab at it?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  14. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    Hey, Gorgon. In honor of the death of James Brown at age 73, aren't you going to do a mid-Season 2 style TMS outline with James Brown?
  15. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Hadn't planned on it. I see him more as an early-to-mid Season Three guest, anyway.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  16. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan Well-Known Member

    How about doing a late second season style TMS outline with Charles Nelson Reilly, in honor of his death on May 25, 2007?
  17. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member


    I know little to nothing of his work or his style, and I have 20-odd outlines already in the works. And I haven't posted a new outline in several months. Not sure when I'll finish another one. I think I know what the next one will be, I haven't told many people about it, but I think you'll be surprised, hopefully in a good way.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  18. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Well-Known Member

    Bumping this one up, In Memoriam. Kenneth Mars just died of cancer at the age of 75.:sympathy:

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

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