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TMS Outline- Tim Conway!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Aug 11, 2004.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I guess soon DOES mean soon.

    I came up with Tim's first sketch months ago when I was toying with the idea, and before I went to bed on Saturday night (actually into the wee hours early Sunday morning) I came up with Tim's second sketch and decided on a plot. I had been stuck on various parts, including the opening number, and driving in to work on Sunday afternoon I was hit with divine inspiration when I switched on my car radio and heard the perfect song for the opening number and came up with the perfect way to do it. The rest just came throughout the week; the whole outline save for one sketch in just 4 days. I would've had it finished last night but I was debating the closing number and still had two Statler & Waldorf comments yet to write (wrote the last one last, how about that?) I've really gotten excited over this one in a way I haven't been since probably last year when I was writing them more frequently and wrote my (IMO) best ones. So without further ado:

    "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Tim Conway!"


    STYLE: EARLY SECOND SEASON (circa Rich Little, Nancy Walker episodes)


    Scooter: “Tim Conway, oh Tim Conway! 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Conway!”

    Tim (close-up on his face): “Thanks, Scooter. (Camera starts pulling back) Uh, Scooter, do you remember when I placed that order a little while ago?”

    Camera is all the way back, revealing one of the Mutations dancing with Tim, pressing him close into his chest. The other Mutations are standing by. The first one passes Tim to the second one.

    Scooter: “Yeah?”

    Tim (dancing with the next Mutation): “I think you made a mistake.”

    Scooter: “Oh? How’s that?”

    Tim: “I asked for a mango, not a tango.”

    Scooter: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry!”

    Tim (the 2nd Mutation passes him on to the 3rd one): “It’s not the dancing I mind so much as the fact that they trampled my suit.”

    The last Mutation dips him.

    Tim (trying to get out of this): “Gosh, well, this has really been fun, but I’ve got to-”

    The last Mutation stuffs a rose in Tim’s mouth before he’s finished speaking. Close-up on Tim as he tries to talk with the rose in his mouth for a second, then makes a face at the camera.

    S & W: Statler: “They should kill this show before it spreads.”
    Gonzo: a flower comes out of his trumpet

    CURTAIN: Kermit talks about Tim Conway and introduces the opening number.

    Kermit: “But right now, let us pause to listen to the gentle soothing melodies of a lazy barnyard morning...”

    OPENING NUMBER: “Listen to the Music”- in the barnyard, T.R. the Rooster crows as the morning begins and the animals wake up, and then they all start going into the song, sung by T.R. on lead vocals, singing, guitar-playing chickens, pigs, a goat on drums, Baskerville the Hound, Catgut, a rat, a cow, and a duck (all of those not playing instruments are dancing)

    Statler: “Well, what did you think of that opening number?”

    Waldorf: “Wonderful! Great song, I loved it!”

    Statler: “What?! You liked that opening number?!”

    Waldorf: “What opening number? I was listening to a tune on my transistor radio!”

    S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

    BACKSTAGE: Kermit has finally agreed to a date with Piggy, and naturally she’s going hog-wild as to the possibilities.

    Piggy: “I would love to go to that exclusive French restaurant, Joie de vivre. It may be a tad on the pricey side.” (She hands him a pamphlet from the restaurant.)

    Kermit: “Thirty-four dollars for a hamburger?”

    Naturally, dinner isn’t all Piggy has in mind for the evening, which she plans on milking for all she can. Kermit is of course starting to worry.

    SKETCH: Tim plays a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman with a new trainee- Gorgon Heap! Their first stop introduces them to a well-to-do housewife (overweight woman from “At the Dance” in the Teresa Brewer episode.)

    Gorgon: “My, what a lovely three-piece living room set you have!” (He eats it)

    Naturally he eats everything.

    Tim (while Gorgon is eating everything in sight): “You know I, uh, could just leave my trainee here instead, I think he’s just as efficient as the vacuum cleaner, perhaps more efficient.” (Gorgon keeps eating) “Uh, maybe too efficient...”

    Gorgon eats the living room furniture, the refreshments, the product he’s selling, and the housewife he’s selling it to.

    Tim: “Boy, you know that was just... just very unprofessional. I mean you ate everything in sight! Everything!”

    Gorgon (looking at Tim): “Not everything.”

    Tim looks puzzled, then his eyes bulge in fear. Gorgon tries to eat Tim, and chases him out the door.

    Waldorf: “Ah, that Tim Conway is a brilliant performer.”

    Statler: “Yes, but for his sake I hope he has bad taste!”

    S & W: “Heh heh heh!”

    Waldorf: “Of course he has. He‘s appearing on THIS show!”

    S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

    BACKSTAGE: Piggy has more ideas for the date- including dancing at another pricey, exclusive club, and a romantic carriage ride.

    Piggy: “The carriage goes by this adorable little church that I think you would just LOVE to see. It’d be a wonderful place to get married in.”

    THE SWEDISH CHEF- clam chowder

    DRESSING ROOM: Fozzie asks Tim for some tips on character comedy, and shows him a new character he’s developing. Unfortunately, this is Fozzie’s sense we’re talking about.

    PIGS IN SPACE- the dreaded Swinetrek annual Spring cleaning; Piggy gets stuck doing all the work while Link mulls over a mail-order catalog with Strangepork (though how he’ll get merchandise delivered to a spaceship that’s in orbit he fails to consider)

    AT THE DANCE- animal jokes

    UK SPOT: “My Old Man’s a Dustman”- British Chap (the one who sang "Burlington Bertie from Bow" and "My Old Dutch", in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon animal act); Statler & Waldorf and the audience sing along

    SKETCH: A Whatnot man tries to shoo and clobber the animals that are trying to eat his garden (mice, rabbits, a fox, even a bear). When he finally succeeds, a GIANT MOUSE (Big Mouse from The Muppet Valentine Show) comes along and hurls him out of his own garden, then sticks a sign in the garden that says “Salad Bar”.

    Waldorf: “Heh heh heh! Boy, that was great.”

    Statler: “No it wasn’t. No one would believe a crazy sketch like that!”

    The giant mouse pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.

    Giant Mouse: “Yoo-hoo!”

    He grabs Statler and throws him out of the box.

    Statler: “WHOA!”


    Waldorf: “Heh heh heh heh heh!”

    Mouse: “Ha. Ha. Ha.”

    BACKSTAGE: Kermit wants out of the date and tries to tell Piggy he‘s backing out.

    Kermit: “Uh, Piggy?”

    Piggy: “Yes mon cheri?”

    Kermit: “It’s um, it’s about our date... for... tonight.”

    Piggy (menacingly towering over him): “Yes?”

    Kermit: “Uh, well, you see, it’s... I mean, do you suppose I... is- is there any possibility that um... you see while I’d really love to, uh... (he gives up, sighs) Is it all right if I wear my tan dinner jacket?”

    Piggy: “Oh, my sweet, whatever you want to wear tonight will be just fine with me.”

    SKETCH: Tim plays a scientist examining the first Koozebanian brought back to earth (the female Koozebanian from the mating ritual sketch, only the character is male this time.) The Koozebanian has other ideas.

    Koozebanian: “You know, on my planet you‘d be sold for food.”

    Tim: “Oh, the people are poor, huh?”

    Koozebanian: “No, not in exchange for food, as food! You’d go well with a Caesar salad.” (Laughter) “And a twice baked potato.”

    Tim tries to ignore the Koozebanian’s shenanigans, but the Koozebanian gives Tim a hard time and ends up stuffing him into the little cage.

    THE GREAT GONZO: In and around a swimming pool, Gonzo executes a swan dive and water ballet while wrestling an eel. Unfortunately for him, the eel came prepared, and when they end up on land, the eel cheats using underwater breathing equipment (or an appropriate aquatic creature’s facsimile thereof.)

    Waldorf: “Oooh! Statler, have you got anything for heartburn?”

    Statler: “Here, take this antacid tablet.”

    Waldorf: “Thanks. Kinda makes you wish you could take something for this show!”

    Statler: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

    VET‘S HOSPITAL- Crazy Harry is the patient.

    Janice: “I don’t think he should be here. I think he should be in the psychiatric ward.”

    Dr. Bob: “Oh? Why’s that?”

    Janice: “He’s Crazy Harry!”

    Dr. Bob: “Oh. Well in that case I suggest you submerge the patient in mud.”

    Janice: “What for?”

    Dr. Bob: “Then he’ll be Dirty Harry! Ha ha ha ha!”

    He of course starts blowing things up, and a falling object falls on Piggy.

    BACKSTAGE: Piggy needs medical attention, so it looks like the date is off.

    Kermit (relieved): “Crazy Harry, I can’t believe it, but for once your love of explosions has paid off. Remind me to give you a raise.”

    Crazy Harry: “Ah ha ha ha ha ha! You say you want a raise?!

    Kermit: “Uh, wait a second.”


    Crazy Harry: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

    Kermit (dangling from the ceiling): “Uh, this is not quite the raise I meant.”

    CLOSING NUMBER: “Side by Side”- Tim & the Muppets (Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Rowlf on piano, Droop, Baskerville and Nigel) sing the song complete with staging and choreography problems (in front of the “Any Old Iron” gold hallways backdrop)

    Curtain: Kermit thanks Tim for being on the show. Piggy comes in, with a bandage on one of her ears.

    Kermit: “Piggy? Shouldn’t you be resting?”

    Piggy: “Rest? Ha! We’ve got a date and I’ll be darned if I miss it!”

    Kermit: “I think I’m darned already. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

    Tim, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, and the Koozebanian gather ‘round. Piggy gives Kermit more instructions for the date, Tim and Fozzie look on, and Gonzo compares his nose to the Koozebanian’s, at which point the Koozebanian slaps him with it.

    Waldorf: “Well, how’d you like tonight’s show?”

    Statler: “It was dreadful, same as always! We should really stop coming.”

    Waldorf: “Then you don’t mind if I skip next week‘s show?”

    Statler: “What?! And leave me here alone?!”

    (Waldorf does a double-take at Statler, then Statler does a double-take at Waldorf.)

    Tell me what you think.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. Skeeter Muppet

    Skeeter Muppet Active Member

    Excellent work, Gorgon, as usual. Although I'm sure others who read this will be curious as to just how/why Kermit agreed to go on a date with Piggy...

  3. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Because if he refused, she would break both of his arms.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  4. JaniceFerSure

    JaniceFerSure Active Member

    Good job,boy that took a lot of work to make.Proud of you.:smirk:
  5. erniebert1234ss

    erniebert1234ss Active Member

    Oh well...

    I was looking at the Tim Conway outline if not for the Carol Burnett connection. Good stuff! Funny too. I should have known Crazy Harry hated being called Dirty Harry! SILLY! Pigs in Space was excellent as always.
  6. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Actually I've only included Pigs in Space once before.

    Just a side note- for the Koozebanian sketch, imagine the Koozebanian is played by Dave Goelz in a Wrench Doozer voice.

    Also imagine that T.R. is puppeteered by Jim for the opening number (not necessarily voiced by him; Jim had a unique puppetry style where he often moved the head back on the diagonal, especially for singing characters.)

    One edit that I realized too late: in the first S & W comment, after the opening number, Statler ought to say "What did you think?" and not mention the opening number, so that Waldorf can give the answer on the assumption that it's a different question.

    I may go on to write the Koozebanian sketch in it's entirety, maybe additional dialogue elsewhere as well. We'll see.

    Incidentally anyone have any favorite parts?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  7. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Oh one other thing: the closing number "Side by Side" is the song from the Bruce Forsyth episode of TMS (only the full version), not the song from the Loretta Swit episode. The one that goes like this:

    "Oh we ain't got a barrel of money,
    Maybe we're ragged and funny,
    But we travel along,
    Singin' a song,
    Side by side"

    More outlines to come. Two in the works currently- BUDDY HACKETT and JOSE FELICIANO!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  8. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Another side note, I don't think I'm alone in believing that Tim Conway would've been a PERFECT choice to guest star on TMS.

    It seems that among the most inspired TMS outline fanfics are ones with comic actors as guest stars, because by putting them in sketches, you can really make them a vital part of the episode, as opposed to, say, recording artists, where you just have them doing their greatest hits but it doesn't really weave them into the Muppet world very much. When you put comic actors into sketches with the Muppets, you can let your imagination go through the possibilities and mentally 'view' the guest going through the situation of the sketch, and it makes the guest a much more important part of the show.

    Tim Conway was great at facial reactions and also at getting thrown and beaten around, so I made sure to include this.

    I've been watching the Flip Wilson Show on TV Land a lot, and that sort of helped when I realized that Conway and Dom DeLuise were both frequent guests of Flip's, and I got to thinking about Dom's appearance, how one sketch was with out-of-control monsters and the other with pesky aliens. I had already conceived of the salesman sketch, and when I started thinking about the Koozebanians I got the idea for the scientist sketch.

    Any more comments from the bleachers? Favorite parts? Anything that created a vivid picture in your head (IhopeIhopeIhope)?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  9. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    song lyrics

    Lyrics to the UK Spot:

    "My Old Man's A Dustman"
    Lonnie Donegan

    [Derived from an old army tune]
    [Lyrics written by Lonnie Donegan]

    Now here's a little story
    To tell it is a must
    About an unsung hero
    That moves away your dust
    Some people make a fortune
    Other's earn a mint
    My old man don't earn much
    In fact....he's flippin'.....skint

    Oh, my old man's a dustman
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He wears cor blimey trousers
    And he lives in a council flat
    He looks a proper narner
    In his great big hob nailed boots
    He's got such a job to pull em up
    That he calls them daisy roots

    Some folks give tips at Christmas
    And some of them forget
    So when he picks their bins up
    He spills some on the steps
    Now one old man got nasty
    And to the council wrote
    Next time my old man went 'round there
    He punched him up the throat

    Oh, my old man's a dustman
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He wears cor blimey trousers
    And he lives in a council flat

    Though my old man's a dustman
    He's got a heart of gold
    He got married recently
    Though he's 86 years old
    We said 'Ear! Hang on Dad
    you're getting past your prime'
    He said 'Well when you get to my age'
    'It helps to pass the time'

    Oh, my old man's a dustman
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He wears cor blimey trousers
    And he lives in a council flat

    Now one day while in a hurry
    He missed a lady's bin
    He hadn't gone but a few yards
    When she chased after him
    'What game do you think you're playing'
    She cried right from the heart
    'You've missed me...am I too late'
    'No... jump up on the cart'

    Oh, my old man's a dustman
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He wears cor blimey trousers
    And he lives in a council flat

    He found a tiger's head one day
    Nailed to a piece of wood
    The tiger looked quite miserable
    But I suppose it should
    Just then from out a window
    A voice began to wail
    He said (Oi! Where's me tiger head)
    Four foot from it's tail

    Oh, my old man's a dustman
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He wears cor blimey trousers
    And he lives in a council flat
    Next time you see a dustman
    Looking all pale and sad
    Don't kick him in the dustbin
    It might be my old dad

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  10. Daffyfan2003

    Daffyfan2003 Well-Known Member

    Good point. Lol. Anyway, I really enjoyed that outline.
  11. Which muppets appear in this "At the Dance" segment?

    Are Miss Mousey and the rats among the mice in this sketch?

    And is the bear Billy the Bear, even though Billy the Bear wasn't created until Season 3?
  12. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    An orange-haired whatnot with a girl wearing a pink sweater, a duck-billed woman with a blue whatnot, Marvin with a peach-colored girl with curly black hair, and Zelda Rose with Droop. Also, a cow appears in this sketch.

    Nope, just rats.

    Yes. As a matter of fact, the fox should be replaced by some birds and Billy should be replaced by a Gladys-esque cow.
  13. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    The usual Season Two couples, plus a couple of rats and a fox dancing with a chicken.

    Rats, but not Miss Mousey.

    In my head it was. How about it's the bear from "Emmet Otter"?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  14. Which fox? Baskerville the Hound doubling as Bruce Fox again?

    The fox that was regularly used on the show wasn't created until late Season 2 or early Season 3 at best.
  15. TotallySpiesFan

    TotallySpiesFan New Member

    That was Bruce Fox (doubled by Baskerville).
  16. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    That fox was created for "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas", which if I'm not mistaken was done in between seasons one and two. Anyone have any info that contradicts this?

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  17. Thanks again for the answers as usual, GH...and for a great-as-always TMS outline.

    However, I've got a couple of thoughts about this one:

    In the opening number, I think that you should put Rover Joe in it instead of Baskerville. Maybe you could also add Leroy the Donkey to the number as well.

    This is just my opinion anyway.
  18. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Well, that fox, called 'Harrison Fox' in "Emmet Otter", was in the Bob Hope episode, in the "For What It's Worth" number, so he did exist in late Season Two.

    And I just watched "Emmet Otter" and noticed something I hadn't before, something that places the shooting of this special PRIOR to Season Two of TMS: Eren Ozker is credited. Ozker left the UK to return to American prior to the start of Season Two, ergo "Emmet Otter" would've been taped in between Seasons One and Two, therefore the woodland creatures therein, including the fox and the bear, all existed prior to the start of Season Two, even though they weren't used on TMS until later.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  19. That Announcer

    That Announcer New Member

    Great work, David! The only thing that would have made it better is to have Tim cameo as Dorf. Anybody else remember those videos?
  20. And T.R.'s voice in this number would still be done by Jerry Nelson. Right?

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