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TMS Script- Rex Harrison

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Gorgon Heap, Oct 7, 2004.

  1. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    This project has been sitting one sketch away from completion for nearly 11 months! (Next week would've made eleven). Been talking about it lately and I finally decided to just finish it.

    For those of you who liked the Rex Harrison outline by TravellingMatt and myself, here is the fully expanded script that I wrote from September to November of last year, and finished just minutes ago. Ladies and gentlemen:

    "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Rex Harrison! YAAAAAYYY!!!!"


    STYLE: SEASON FIVE (circa Roger Moore episode)

    COLD OPENING: Pops is playing with a yo-yo when the door opens.

    Rex Harrison enters.

    Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”

    Rex: “I’m Rex Harrison. I’m to be the guest star on tonight’s show.”

    Pops: “Oh, Rex Harrison! Great! Boy, having you here’ll really class up the show.”

    Rex: “Why do you say that?”

    Lew Zealand’s boomerang fish goes by, and Lew follows after it, laughing.

    Lew: “Hey, good one Roderick!”

    Gonzo enters, wrestling a snake that‘s wrapped around him.

    Gonzo: “Aaah! No you don’t! I’ve got you right where I want you! D’aaaaaahhhh!”

    The snake brings him down. Sweetums zooms by on roller skates, obviously out of control.

    Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaa! Whooooaaaaaa!!!!”

    He skates out of the shot, then circles back and grabs on to Rex to try and stop, but ends up picking him up and carrying him away by accident.

    Sweetums & Rex: “Aaaaaahhh!!!”

    Pops: “Typical. Some stars just get carried away on this show!”


    Gonzo: fireworks come out of the trumpet as the lights go out

    Curtain: Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to another Muppet Show! Tonight’s a special one because our guest star is none other than that great star of stage and screen, the wonderful Mr. Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “But first-”

    Sweetums: “Whoa! Whoaaaaa!!!!!!!”

    Sweetums skates by, out of control, and still carrying Rex.

    Kermit: “Hey! Watch out! Put him down, quick, before you run into the-”


    Kermit: “Light tree.”

    Rex enters, woozy.

    Kermit: “Rex! Are you okay?”

    Rex: “A bit shaken up, but I seem to be in one piece.”

    Kermit: “Do you want to see our doctor?”

    Rex: “I’ve seen your doctor- I’ll take my chances!”

    Kermit: “Well, do you feel like you can still go on?”

    Rex: “Yes, I’m fine, really.”

    Statler: “Uh-oh! You’ll regret that!”

    Waldorf: “Yeah, you’re letting the perfect escape slip through your fingers!”

    Kermit: “Those are our two hecklers. Just try to ignore them.”

    Rex: “I’m doing that already.”

    Sweetums rolls by.

    Sweetums: “WHOA! WHOA!”


    Rex: “Why is he doing that, anyway?”

    Kermit: “He’s got a date tonight at the roller rink and he’s trying to brush up his technique.”

    Rex: “It would take a brush the size of Mongolia for that man to brush up his technique. Can’t, ah, his lady friend help him?”

    Kermit: “Nope. She’s got three left feet.”

    Rex (he does a take): “Until I arrived here, I’d have thought that unusual. Well, I’m off to rest a while in my dressing room.”

    Kermit: “All right.”

    Rex exits.

    Kermit: “Okay, uh before Rex performs, we have a very special treat for you. After his sabbatical pilgrimage to his homeland of Transylvania, we are- proud?- to welcome back the Muppet company’s answer to Vincent Price, ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of our own Phantom of the Muppet Show, Uncle Deadly! Yaaaaayyyyy!”

    OPENING NUMBER: “Oh What a Beautiful Morning”- Uncle Deadly sits in a gloomy old castle, in a big red easy chair. The place is dark and filled with strange antiques and various cobwebs. The walls are cold and stony, with a bit of a blue light on them. There are shelves with ancient books, medieval weapons hung with care on the walls, a few photos of monsters (family members?) and a spike-filled sarcophagus leaning on one of the walls. We can hear a thunderstorm outside and see a dark, stormy sky and barren tree branches outside the window. Uncle Deadly sits, peacefully taking in this lovely thunderstorm in his wonderfully gloomy surroundings.

    UD (singing): “There's a bright golden haze on the meadow
    There's a bright golden haze on the meadow

    He gets up.

    UD: “The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
    And it looks like it's climbing clear up to the sky.”

    Uncle Deadly starts strolling, stage right, across the set, nearing his lab equipment and revealing the stage right wall, with its bookshelves. He sways back and forth even with the melody.

    UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
    Oh, what a beautiful day.
    I got a beautiful feeling
    Ev'rything's going my way.”

    Uncle Deadly comes upon his cow skeleton, upstage of him, and he moves up to it.

    UD: “All the cattle are standing like statues
    All the cattle are standing like statues”

    He removes the cow skull, holding it like Hamlet held the skull of Yorick.

    UD: “They don't turn their heads as they see me go by,
    But a little brown mav'rick is winking her eye.”

    During the next chorus he throws the head away, out of the shot.

    UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
    Oh, what a beautiful day.
    I got a beautiful feeling
    Ev'rything's going my way.”

    Uncle Deadly turns left, to the window.

    UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”

    Thunder clap.

    UD: “All the sounds of the earth are like music”

    The wind kicks in a little more.

    UD: “The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,”

    The tree outside his window falls over.

    UD: “And a ol' weeping willow is laughing at me!”

    Uncle Deadly starts moving back downstage, to the foreground, as the music syncopates under his vocals. He sways and bops to the music full force now, sort of doing a little dance.

    UD: “Oh, what a beautiful morning,
    Oh, what a beautiful day.
    I got a beautiful feeling
    Ev'rything's going my way.
    Oh, what a beautiful day!” (APPLAUSE)

    S & W (singing): “Oh what a horrible number! Oh what a horrible day! We’ve got a horrible feeling, Deadly’s no Gordon MacRae! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

    Canteen: Rex sits at a table, with chickens milling around in the background. Two of the fifth season Frackles are eating at another table, and one starts eating the table. Uncle Deadly enters and comes up to Rex.

    UD: “Ah, a hearty hello to you, Mr. Harrison! Such a pleasure to have you with us on the show!”

    Rex: “Why thank you Mr. um-”

    UD: “I am Uncle Deadly! I just wanted to say that I’ve seen every one of your murder mystery films. Um, by the way, you wouldn’t happen to have hung on to any of the bodies from those films, have you? I’m in need of a few cadavers for scientific research.”

    Rex: “Um, well actually no one was truly killed in those pictures. They were just movies, after all.”

    UD: “Oh well. All the same, enjoy yourself on the show, and, uh, do try not to be jealous of the adoration I get from my public. Toodle-oo!”

    Scooter walks by.

    Rex: “Oh Scooter!”

    Scooter: “Yes, Mr. Harrison?”

    Rex: “I need to ask a favor of you.”

    Scooter: “Well, that’s what I’m here for!”

    Rex: “I need you to find my Penguin.”

    Scooter: “Your what?”

    Rex: “My Penguin. My Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion.”

    Scooter: “Pygmalion?”

    Rex: “Yes. You know that “My Fair Lady” was based upon George Bernard Shaw’s “Pygmalion”. When I was in rehearsals for it on Broadway, I always kept the book with me. I brought it with me this evening and now it seems I’ve misplaced it.”

    Scooter: “Ohhh, I get it. I’ll search high and low for ya!”

    Rex: “Thank you, very much.”

    Scooter goes to look upstairs. Rex looks at his watch.

    Rex: “This is ridiculous. I have to go on in a few minutes! Waitress! Where’s my wine?”

    Rizzo: “How’s this?” (Whines) “Aw, but I don’t wanna do my homework! Pretty good, huh?”

    Rex: “Waitress!”

    Gladys: “Pipe down, I’m coming!”

    Rex: “Where’s my wine?”

    Gladys: “Here!”

    Rex: “What vintage is this?”

    Gladys: “Huh?”

    Rex: “In what year was it made?”

    Gladys (looks at watch): “About 15 minutes ago.”

    Rex: “Well, it looks all right.”

    Rex sips.

    Gladys: “It should! I stomped the grapes myself!”

    Rex spits out the wine.

    Rex: “No, no, it won’t do.”

    Gladys: “Won’t do what?”

    Rex: “Take it back. Bring me a different bottle.”

    Gladys: “Where d’ya think you are, the Ritz Carlson? This is the only bottle we got!”

    Rex: “No white robolo? No theotaki aspri?”

    Gladys: “Listen, Lord Schmaltzy Pants, you can talk till doomsday; this is the only bottle we got!”

    She takes it and starts walking away.

    Rex: “What else can I expect from a frumpy, squawking old baggage?”

    Gladys: “WHAT?! WHY YOU-”

    Gladys throws the wine bottle, just as Rex ducks and Scooter enters.

    Scooter: “Mr. Harrison! I checked upstairs and no one’s seen-”

    CRASH! The bottle hits him and knocks him out.

    Gladys: “...Oops. Poor kid. What did he want?”

    Rex: “I sent him to look for my Penguin.”

    Gladys: “You got a license to keep ‘em?”

    Rex: “No, no, I was referring to my Penguin Books edition of Pygmalion”.

    Gladys: “Well it’s a surprise to me. I didn’t even know penguins could read!”

    Rex gives her a funny look, then looks at the camera.

    SONG: “Suffragette City”- the Electric Mayhem plays and sings in their bandstand set; the lighting behind them is red, yellow, and black. Clockwise from top: Animal, at top behind drum riser, Lips, on mid-level riser, right to left: Zoot, Janice, and Floyd on the bottom level, and Dr. Teeth on the screen left mid-level riser.

    ALL (except Floyd, for all the verses): Hey man!

    Floyd: Ah leave me alone you know

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: Well Henry, get off the phone, I gotta

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: I gotta straighten my face
    This mellow chick just put my spine out of place

    Janice smacks Floyd’s back with the head of her guitar

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: My school day's insane

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: My work's down the drain

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: Well she's a total blam-blam
    She said she had to have me but she... then she...

    ALL (including Floyd, for all the choruses): Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket

    Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City

    ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
    Cause you ain't got time to check it

    Floyd: You know my Suffragette City
    Is outta sight...she's all right

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: Ah Henry, don't be unkind, go away

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: I can't take you this time, no way

    ALL: Hey man

    Floyd: D-droogie don't crash here
    There's only room for one and here she comes, here she comes

    ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket

    Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City

    ALL: Don't lean on me man
    Cause you ain't got time to check it

    Floyd: You know my Suffragette City

    ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right

    (Instrumental break)

    Floyd: “Oh hit me!”

    ALL: Ah don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket

    Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City

    ALL: Oh don't lean on me man
    Cause you ain't got time to check it

    Floyd: You know my Suffragette City

    ALL: Is outta sight...she's all right

    Dr. Teeth: Yeah-yeah!

    Floyd: A Suffragette City

    Zoot: Huh?

    Floyd: I'm back from Suffragette City

    Janice: Fer sure!

    Floyd: Ooo A Suffragette city

    Lips: Woo-hah!

    Floyd: A Suffragette

    (Bass guitar lick)

    Animal (yelling, unintelligible): “Ahhh, Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma'am!”

    Floyd: A Suffragette City, a Suffragette City
    Oh my Suffragette City, oh my Suffragette City
    Ah, Suffragette

    (Bass guitar lick again)

    ALL (Floyd included): Suffragette! (APPLAUSE)

    Dressing Room:
    Rex is sitting in his dressing room listening to classical and reading literature, when Beauregard enters.

    Bo: "Mr. Harrison, may I come in?"

    Rex: "Yes, Beauregard. I was just losing myself in some Mozart."

    Bo: "Uh, where did you want to go?"

    Rex: "No, no, Beauregard, it's only a figure of speech. I was saying that I was so overcome by this music's beauty that I got lost in it."

    Bo: "Oh. I got lost in Hoboken once. It wasn't fun."

    Rex: “Yes well, what can I do for you, Beauregard?”

    Bo: “Uh, actually I wanted to know what I could do for you. You see, downstairs they told me that Scooter was about to do you a favor before he got sent home with a bump on his head, and I wanted to know what it was you needed.”

    Rex: “Oh! I appreciate that. Well, I had asked Scooter to find my Penguin.”

    Bo: “Okay! I’ll find your penguin!”

    Rex: “Thank you.”

    Bo leaves.

    Rex: “Nice, nice fellow.”

    Backstage: Sam the Eagle stands at the desk with Kermit.

    Sam: “Oh, Kermit! I’m so glad that we have the brilliant, erudite Rex Harrison on our show this week.”

    Kermit: “Uh, as am I, Sam.”

    Sam: “Pray tell, what is the incomparable Mr. Harrison going to do for his first act?”

    Kermit: “Uh, Rex is going to reprise one of his classic songs from My Fair Lady.”

    Kermit exits, as an Audrey Hepburn look-alike Whatnot goes to the stage... followed by something covered in a sheet with a face crudely drawn on it.

    Sam: “Oh! My Fair Lady! At last, culture and dignity! My Fair Lady. (to camera) That’s my favorite Tennessee Williams play.”

    He backs off and looks toward the stage.

    Curtain: Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “Ah ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world’s classiest and most talented performers. Here he is with a song from one of his most famous roles, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayyyyy!”

    SONG: “I’ve Grown Accustomed to her Face”- Rex sits on an easy chair (Stage Right) in an English drawing room set not unlike the sets from “My Fair Lady”, and a female Whatnot (who bears some resemblance to Audrey Hepburn’s Eliza Doolittle) sits on a couch (Mid Center), next to a piece of furniture covered in a white sheet with the face drawn on it. Rex sings, directly to the audience, referring to the girl. The girl hams it up in the background, posing and posturing.

    Rex (singing): “I’ve grown accustomed to her face!
    She almost makes the day begin.
    I’ve grown accustomed to the tune
    She whistles night and noon.
    Her smiles. Her frowns.
    Her ups, her downs
    Are second nature to me now"

    The sheet over the piece of furniture starts to disappear, like it’s being sucked inside of whatever it’s covering.

    Rex: "Like breathing out and breathing in.
    I was serenely independent and content before we met.
    Surely I can always be that way again-
    And yet
    I’ve grown accustomed to her looks,
    Accustomed to her voice;

    The sheet disappears, revealing Luncheon Counter Monster, who starts looking over the girl.

    Rex: “...To her face.”

    The girl looks at Luncheon Counter Monster, unnoticing, and looks away, then double takes in horror. She starts shaking, as he grabs her by the head and starts gobbling her up. Rex continues singing unaware, as the girl struggles while being eaten.

    Rex: “But I’m so used to hear her say “Good morning” ev’ry day.
    Her joys, her woes,
    Her highs, her lows,
    Are second nature to me now"

    Rex looks back toward the girl, but instead sees her legs hanging out of the monster’s mouth, and disappearing quickly. He’s horrified.

    Rex: “Like breathing out and breathing in.”

    LCM comes over to Rex, looking over him curiously.

    Rex: “I’m very grateful-”

    LCM grabs Rex’s arm.

    Rex: “Stop that! Um, and so easy to forget-

    LCM tries to eat Rex’s arm.

    Rex (nervous): “Rather like a habit
    One can always break and yet,”

    On the word “yet” Rex pulls his arm away. He starts backing away from LCM.

    Rex: “I’ve grown accustomed to the trace...”

    LCM comes back over and starts eating Rex’s arm again.

    Rex: “Of something in the air;
    Accustomed to her face.” (APPLAUSE)

    Rex tries to get away from LCM, and ends up dragging LCM offstage with him.

    Waldorf: “Ah that Rex Harrison is a great entertainer.”

    Statler: “Oh, indeed.”

    Waldorf: “What did you think of that number?”

    Statler: “Well, frankly I couldn’t stomach it.”

    S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

    Backstage: Sam and Kermit are in shock, having watched the previous number. Rex comes back from onstage, still trying to get away from LCM.

    Rex: “Kermit! Somebody! I could use some help! Get away!”

    LCM is still trying to bite Rex.

    Sam: “You! You get away! How dare you!”

    Rex: “Thanks very much.”

    Sam: “Oh Mr. Harrison, I’m deeply sorry that this- THING got on stage. I’ve been so looking forward to your gracing us with your presence on this distasteful program...” (He turns to LCM) “AND YOU! You had to go and ruin that wonderful number! It was a debacle, thanks to you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

    Sam turns around while LCM pauses. LCM looks at Sam for a moment, looks at the camera, then turns and bites Sam.

    Sam: “Aaaaaaahhh!!!!!”

    Sam runs away, still screaming, with LCM chasing him.

    Rex: “Shouldn’t we help him?”

    Kermit: “Hmm, I’ll think it over.”

    Sweetums (off camera): “Whoa!”

    Sam (off camera): “What the? Aaaaahhhh!!!”

    Sweetums rushes by on his skates, still out of control, but this time he’s holding onto Sam! They’re both still screaming as they roll out of the shot, toward the stage.

    Rex: “Well, at least he’s safe now.”

    Kermit: “Yeah, from one thing if not another.”


    Kermit and Rex both look in the direction of the crash.

    VET'S HOSPITAL: Piggy is powdering her nose as the announcer speaks.

    Announcer: “And now, Veterinarians’ Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.”

    Piggy: “Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?”

    Rowlf: “I don’t know. Something smells fishy.”

    Janice: “Well that’s no surprise.”

    She pulls back the sheet to reveal Lew Zealand.

    Lew: “Aw, that’s just Cedric. I told him to wash up before going onstage.”

    Rowlf: “Well, what seems to be the problem?”

    Lew: “Cynthia.”

    Rowlf: “I’m a doctor, not a marriage counselor.”

    Janice: “And we’re not even sure about the doctor part!”

    Rowlf: “Oooo!”

    Lew: “No, no. I’m not the one who’s sick! My fish, Cynthia, is!”

    Rowlf: “Oh! Well why didn’t you say so?”

    Janice: “What do you think, Dr. Bob?”

    Rowlf: “I’m not sure. Hand me a scalpel!”

    Janice: “What for?”

    Rowlf: “Oh just for the halibut! Let‘s see what we’ve got here.”

    Lew: “That’s not Cynthia! That’s Cynthia’s brother, Francis.”

    Rowlf: “Oh, so she’s her brother’s kipper?”

    Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob! Did you make that joke by accident?”

    Rowlf: “No, I did it on porpoise!”

    Lew: “Give it to me straight, Doc! How is she?”

    Rowlf: “Frankly, I think she’s floundering!”

    Lew: “Will she ever play the piano again?”

    Rowlf: “A fish that plays the piano? I don’t believe it!”

    Piggy: “Why not?”

    Rowlf: “Because you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish! Maybe you should teach her to sing instead.”

    Lew: “What could she sing?”

    Rowlf: “How about, (sings) salmon chanted evening...”

    Janice: “Boy, Dr. Bob, you sure can go on about fish!”

    Rowlf: “Well, that’s because I’ve got a lot of sole!”

    Announcer: “And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians’ Hospital. Tune in next week when we’ll hear Nurse Janice say-”

    Janice: “Dr. Bob, you haven’t helped this patient at all!”

    Rowlf: “Well I can always refer him to someone else.”

    Janice: “Who?”

    Rowlf: “This guy right here!”

    He holds up one of Lew’s fish.

    Piggy: “Dr. Bob, you want the fish to do the operating?”

    Rowlf: “Sure! He’s a first-rate sturgeon!”

    They all laugh as the end music plays. (APPLAUSE)

    Audience Shot


    Chef (singing theme song): “Yorn desh bur, dayum, ba dishke doo, Yorn desh, dee born desh de-

    The chef motions to Rex as if to say “Take it!” Rex looks at him a moment, then turns to the camera.

    Rex (speaking, deadpan): “Bork bork bork.”

    Rex grabs all the utensils on the table in front of him and throws them over his shoulder.

    Chef: (says something about ‘vien’ and ‘sheez’)

    Rex: “Yes, the Swedish Chef and I are going to have a wine and cheese tasting on the program tonight. Tell me, do you have the first wine?”

    The Chef nods and produces the wine.

    Rex: “Hope it’s better than the bathwater they serve in the canteen.”

    Chef: (says something about the wine, and makes a fingertip kiss ‘magnificent’ gesture)

    Rex (reading label): “Ah, Dom Perignon ‘53, excellent. Wherever did you get it?”

    Chef: (explains)

    Rex: “You had to give the rats a Lebanese salami for it?”

    The Chef nods.

    Rex: “Well where did they get the wine?”

    Chef: (explains)

    Rex: “Oh, they have relatives in a wine cellar. Makes perfect sense now.”

    Chef: “Ya. (He asks Rex a question)

    Rex: “Certainly. Yes, yes, let’s open up the bottle.”

    Rex opens the bottle and pours a small amount for himself and the Chef. They take their glasses.

    Rex: “Cheers.”

    Chef: “Saluuuud.”

    They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.

    Rex: “Hmm, titillating, sharp, and with a very quaint bouquet.”

    Chef: (gives a long, drawn-out, and of course incomprehensible opinion of the wine)

    Rex: “Yes, quite. I couldn’t agree more. Crackers, please?”

    Chef hands him the crackers. They both eat.

    Rex: “Hmm, delicious. All right, tell me Swedish Chef, what is the next vintage?”

    Chef: (produces bottle and goes on about it)

    Rex: “Bollinger ‘69. Not a bad choice, not a bad choice.”

    Rex opens the bottle, pours some for both.

    Rex: “Santre.”

    Chef: “Nooz droovia!”

    They both drink, swish, and spit in unison.

    Rex: “Crackers?”

    Chef: “Cohmohn shper de croonchie croomblie.”

    They eat their crackers.

    Chef: “Und noo, de sheez.”

    Rex: “Yes, the cheese. Excellent idea.”

    The Chef puts the cheese on the table.

    Rex: “Knife?”

    The Chef hands him a knife. Rex moves to slice the cheese and the cheese yells.

    Cheese: “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”

    Rex: “You brought TALKING cheese?”

    Chef (nodding): “Mm-hmm.”

    Rex: “Suddenly I don’t feel hungry anymore.”

    Cheese (spots the wine): “Hey, wine! How about passing me a glass?”

    Rex and the Chef react to the camera.

    UK Spot: “Someone’s Rocking My Dreamboat”- Against a mobile ocean and islands at sunset background, Rowlf plays piano, and Fozzie leans against it and sings.

    Fozzie: “Down where the trade winds play
    Down where you lose a day
    We found a new world, where paradise starts
    We traded hearts
    Down where the trade winds play

    Rowlf... my feet are wet.”

    Rowlf: “Yeah, I can’t explain that either. Just sing, Fozzie.”

    Fozzie: “Someone's rocking my dreamboat
    Someone's invading my dreams
    We were sailing along, peaceful and calm
    Suddenly something went wrong

    Someone's rocking my dreamboat
    Disturbing a beautiful dream
    It's a mystery to me, this mutiny at sea
    Who can it be, who can it be?

    A friendly breeze gave us a start
    To a paradise of our own
    All at once a storm blew us apart
    And left me drifting alone

    Someone's rocking my dreamboat
    I'm a captain without any crew
    But with love as my guide, I'll follow the tide
    And I'll keep sailing till I find you.

    The piano hits an iceberg and starts sinking.

    Fozzie: “Aaaaahhh!”

    Rowlf: “What the?!”

    Fozzie: “Where’s the lifeboat?!”

    Rowlf: “We haven’t got a lifeboat!”

    Fozzie: “How about an upright?”

    Rowlf: “Fozzie!”

    Fozzie and Rowlf both try to climb on top of the piano as it sinks.

    Statler: “Well, you know what they say.”

    Waldorf: “The captain always goes down with his musical number!”

    S & W: “AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”


    Newsman: "Here's a Muppet Newsflash. Dateline: Madrid. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, except for today, when it takes a sudden detour into the Muppet newsroom. Huh...that doesn't make sense..."

    The Newsman gets drenched.

    Dressing Room: Rex sits reading a book. There’s a knock on the door.

    Rex: “Come in.”

    Piggy enters.

    Piggy: “Hello, Rex dear!”

    Rex: “Hello Miss Piggy. Won’t you come in?”

    Piggy: “Ah, thank you.”

    Rex: “What can I do for you?”

    Piggy: “Oh Rexy dear, surely you must realize.”

    Rex (thinks for a moment): “No, no I don’t.”

    Piggy: “Surely you must have felt our-” (she leans over backward and looks at him upside-down) “-Mutual attraction.”

    Rex: “My dear Miss Piggy, you mistake me.”

    Piggy (she gets up and walks about): “Oh Rex, dear, dear Rex, don’t give those silly doubts another moment’s thought! We’re both mature adults. Let us seize our moment!”

    Rex (serious): “Piggy...”

    Piggy (dreamy-eyed): “Rex...”

    Rex: “Piggy, listen. I‘m not the romantic that you are looking for. You have the wrong idea about me. I mean, after all, Piggy...

    I’m an ordinary man,
    Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
    to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants...
    An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
    Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
    doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
    Well... just an ordinary man...

    BUT, Let a woman in your life
    and your serenity is through,
    she’ll redecorate your home,
    from the cellar to the dome,
    and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you...

    Let a woman in your life,
    and you’re up against a wall,
    make a plan and you will find,
    that she has something else in mind,
    and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all

    You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love,
    You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove,
    Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife,
    Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands...
    I’d be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let
    a woman in my life,

    I’m a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured who you never hear complain,
    Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,
    A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
    the sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips
    Very gentle man...

    But, Let a woman in your life, and patience hasn’t got a chance,
    she will beg you for advice,
    your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely,
    and then go out and do exactly what she wants!!!

    You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush,
    all at once you’re using language that would make a sailor blush,
    Let a woman in your life, and you’re plunging in a knife,
    Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
    I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a
    woman in my life
    No I shall never let a woman in my life.

    Piggy karate chops Rex, then leaves.

    Rex (to the camera): “Also, I’ll live longer without this kind of attention.”

    Curtain: Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “And now, here to sing that old Irish folk tune “Sweet Molly Malone”, ladies and gentlemen-”

    Gonzo (pokes his head out between the curtains): “Psst! Psst!”

    Kermit: “The Great Gonz- what?”

    Gonzo (stage whisper): “Come here.”

    Gonzo motions for Kermit to come over. Gonzo whispers to Kermit but we can’t tell what he’s saying.

    Kermit: “You’re kidding.”

    Gonzo shakes his head. Kermit goes back out front.

    Kermit: “Uh, yes well, here he is ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great, who will sing “Sweet Molly Malone”-”

    He looks over at Gonzo, who nods, urging him on.

    Kermit: “-while bathing a wolverine-”

    Gonzo: “Good.”

    He ducks back behind the curtain.

    Kermit: “I don’t know why I even bother. Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!”

    GONZO‘S ACT: The curtain opens on a blue tile-walled bathroom set. Gonzo scrubs a seething wolverine, his sleeves rolled up, and begins to sing.

    Gonzo (singing): “In Dublin’s fair city
    Where the girls are so pretty
    I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
    She wheeled her wheelbarrow
    Through streets broad and narrow
    Crying “Cockles and mussels
    Alive, alive oh!”

    The wolverine growls.

    Gonzo: “Alive, alive oh! Alive, alive- OHHHH!!!”

    The wolverine swats at him.

    Gonzo: “Crying “Cockles and mussels
    Alive, alive-

    The wolverine leaps out of the tub, and chases Gonzo around the tub and around the set. Gonzo pauses in between the lines of the music as he tries to get away from the angry wolverine.

    Gonzo: “She was a fishmonger (he looks over his shoulder, still running)
    And that was no wonder
    (Quickly) For so were her father and mother before

    Gonzo is on one side of the tub, the wolverine on the other. They try to fake each other out.

    Gonzo (croaking the tune, slowly): “They each wheeled their barrow- GULP!
    Through streets broad and narrow
    (Gonzo makes a break for it) Crying “Cockles and mussels
    Alive, alive, oh!”

    The chase around the tub resumes.

    Gonzo (double time): “Alive, alive, oh!
    Alive, alive, oh!
    Crying “Cockles and mussels!

    (Screams) ALIVE, ALIVE ,OH! WHOOP!”

    The wolverine tackles him. We hear the wolverine snarling and Gonzo screaming and being ripped to pieces as the audience applauds.

    Statler: "I thought music hath charm to soothe the savage beast."

    Waldorf: "I know, that's why I bought my wife season tickets to the symphony!"

    S & W: “HA HA HA HA HA!”

    Backstage: A worried Kermit watches as a torn up and disheveled Gonzo returns from the stage.

    Kermit: “Gonzo, are you okay?”

    Gonzo: “Are you kidding? I’ve never been better! WHOOPEE!!!”

    Rex enters, wearing a large trench coat.

    Rex: “Kermit, I need to have a word with you.”

    Kermit: “Oh, is something wrong?”

    Rex: “It’s about my closing number.”

    Kermit: “Ah yes, one of the classics of musical theatre.”

    Rex removes the trench coat to reveal a Roy Rogers-esque cowboy suit.

    Rex: “You were saying?”

    Kermit: “I... I realize it’s a little different from what you’re used to, but-”

    Rex: “A little different?! Kermit I look ridiculous! I can’t go out there dressed like this and sing this western song with those horrendously ungrammatical lyrics!”

    Kermit: “Well... I can see where you’d be nervous about it, but I have every confidence in your abilities as a performer to-”

    Rex: “Well you can forget it.”

    Kermit: “But, but, it’ll be a great change of pace for you!”

    Rex: “It would be a change, if I were doing it, which I’m not. And I can’t be prodded into it, either.”

    Cowboy (offscreen): “HEAD ‘EM UP, MOVE ‘EM OUT!”

    The Cowboys all enter, with their cattle prods, and push Rex onto the stage. Ad-lib mayhem.

    Kermit (to camera): “Well, I guess they prodded him into it.”

    Curtain: Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “Uh, yes well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight, Rex Harrison, is truly, ah, one of the most continental performers in show business. He has crossed the cultural gap many a time. And tonight, he will have to leap a crevasse... hoo boy. Here he is with his reluctant rendition of “Kansas City”, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison! Yaaaaaayy!!!!”

    CLOSING NUMBER: “Kansas City”- Rex performs with the jug-band et al

    I got to Kansas City on a Frid'y
    By Sattidy I larned a thing or two
    For up to then I didn't have an idy
    Of whut the modren world was comin' to!
    I counted twenty gas buggies goin' by theirsel's
    Almost ev'ry time I tuk a walk.
    'Nen I put my ear to a Bell Telephone and a strange womern started in to talk!
    (Whut next! Yeah whut!)
    Whut next?

    Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
    They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
    About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
    Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
    It's better than a magic lantern show!
    Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
    With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
    You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
    (Yes sir!)
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!

    Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
    They got a big theayter they call a burlesque.
    Fer fifty cents you c'n see a dandy show.
    One of the gals was fat and pink and pretty,
    As round above as she was round below.
    I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel,
    But latter in the second act when she began to peel
    She proved that ev'rythin' she had was absolutely real!
    She went about as fur as she could go,
    (Yes sir!)
    She went about as fur as she could go!

    Ev'rythin's up to date in Kansas City
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!
    They went and built a skyscraper seven stories high,
    About as high as a buildin' orta grow.
    Ev'rythin's like a dream in Kansas City,
    It's better than a magic lantern show!
    Y' c'n turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat.
    With ev'ry kind o' comfort ev'ry house is all complete.
    You c'n walk to privies in the rain and never wet your feet!
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go,
    (Yes sir!)
    They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!

    Rex (in genuine country accent, spoken): “They’ve gone about as fur as they c’n go!”

    ALL: They've gone about as fur as they c'n go!

    The cowboys hoot and holler. Rex fires off a round from his six-shooter into the rafters. A sandbag falls and Rex just manages to catch it. He chats with the cowboys, inserting an odd hoot and holler here and there, as Sweetums rolls by one last time in the background. Fade out.

    Curtain: (APPLAUSE). Kermit enters.

    Kermit: “And so we come down to the end of another one. But before we all ride off into the sunset, let’s have a great big hand for our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen Rex Harrison!” (APPLAUSE) “Yaaaaaayy! Yay! Yeah!”

    Rex enters, in his dress suit.

    Rex: “Thank you Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time.”

    Kermit: “Oh good.”

    Rex: “I just need to know one thing: have you seen Beauregard? He was supposed to find my Penguin! Where’s my Penguin?”

    Bo rushes in.

    Bo: “Oh Mr. Harrison!”

    Rex: “Beauregard! Did you find it?”

    Bo: “Well, I’m not sure. Is it one of these?”

    Bo motions for the penguins to come in- half a dozen of them!

    Kermit: “You’ve got to expect that around here, Rex.“

    Rex (rolls eyes): “Indeed.”

    Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

    Rex, Kermit, Piggy, Bo, the Swedish Chef, Rizzo (in a smoking jacket), and half a dozen penguins gather around as the closing theme music plays.

    Sweetums rushes into S & W’s box, almost falls over the ledge, grabs onto S & W to try and keep from falling, then falls with them.

    Waldorf: “Well, we may be going to the hospital-”

    Statler: “But at least we won’t be here next week.”

    Whew! A lot of HTML code to put in there.

    Comments are welcome.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  2. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    What? No replies? :cry: Come on, I worked long and hard on this. :sympathy:

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  3. Barry Lee

    Barry Lee Active Member

    Great Job Love it Gorgon!:excited:
  4. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Enough already! I cannot be forced to change my mind. Please drop it.

    As I've said before, there was no reason Uncle Deadly was discontinued after S3- they just seemingly forgot about him, but it wasn't like he was consciously written out of the series. If there had been a Halloween episode in S5, with say Christopher Lee as the guest star, I have little doubt that Uncle Deadly would have appeared. Gladys may have been, but her replacement Winny was only in one episode so I hardly count that.

    And in any case, it's a fanfic. Why do you make a mountain out of this when others mix Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street, and Muppets Tonight characters into TMS episodes?

    What do you think of the script ASIDE from your beef with my choice (note the word: choice) to use Uncle Deadly and Gladys in it?

    Oh, and about the late first season one with ABBA- didn't they hit their stride in '77, after Season One had already been taped? I made a mistake with my Season One style James Caan outline and put in the song "Dancing Queen" when it didn't come out until 1977. But I'm not going to fret about it.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  5. Great script. Please write the complete scripts for your other TMS outlines.

    I also look forward to your next TMS outlines.

    I still want to share with you some ideas that you could use for future TMS outlines.
  6. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Well, some of them I never will (James Caan in particular, and probably Red Skelton, mainly b/c I don't know how to write a Red Skelton sketch). I began expanding the Paul Lynde one into a script but haven't put much into it. The last two outlines I did, Tim Conway and Jose Feliciano, I'd like to expand (esp. Tim Conway's), but of course, time is sometimes limited. Maybe I could eventually get around to the Jack Gilford one.

    At the moment, my next one planned is... ED WYNN!

    (And yes, I know he died 10 years before TMS, but he was so loveable and would've been so great on the show that I'm going to do it anyway.)

    Share away! Send 'em to me in a PM. Maybe we can work on one together, if you like. I'm open to collaboration- when it works, it's the best thing in the world.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  7. Docnzhoss

    Docnzhoss Active Member

    Nicely done, Gorgon Heap. I love the Vet's Hospital sketch, and Sam was well used :attitude:

    Uncle Deadly is a fantastic Muppet. I wish we could have seen more of him in all seasons. That opening number was clever and funny; I could picture it well.

    Thanks for sharing.

  8. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Opening number was Matt's idea, as was the S & W comment that followed, the closing number, Muppet News (which he wrote entirely) and I think the whole 'penguin' running gag too; he came up with the major text of the Rex & Bo scene, too.

    I regret that I didn't give him more specific credit before this point in the thread. The original outline lists both of us in the title but was posted by me.

    Oh, and thanks for mentioning Vet's Hospital. That was my favorite part to write, actually, and IMO the most successful Muppet writing I may have ever done. I was so happy and excited when I finished it that I was practically jumping up and down with giddiness!

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  9. Docnzhoss

    Docnzhoss Active Member

    You're writing what you love and having fun doing it. That's all that matters. Keep up the good work. :D
  10. G-MAN

    G-MAN Active Member

    I loved that number from My Fair Lady that was just so Muppety that I nearly cracked up. That was great using Luncheon Counter Monster in Yorick's place that was so perfect.
  11. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Active Member

    That'd be a really great one, that and the Buddy Hackett one. Take as much time as you want with these and other scripts and outlines; the wait will definitely be worth it. :)
  12. erniebert1234ss

    erniebert1234ss Active Member

    wasn't uncle deadly the "flamenco" dancer-turned-villain in the "Muppet Melodrama" on the Gilda Radner episode or is Uncle Deadly not the one I'm thinking of?

  13. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Active Member

    Yes, that was Uncle Deadly; Miss Piggy even calls him by name. ("Yo, Deadly! Wayne! I--AAAAAAUGGGGHH!" [That would be her falling. ;) ])

    Was Uncle Deadly ever referred to by name anywhere else (besides scripts)?
  14. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    His "introduction" was in the Twiggy episode, in which he introduces himself as Uncle Deadly in the last backstage scene.

    He was also referred to in the other episode with a melodrama sketch, the Jean Stapleton episode. Kermit says into the intercom "Wayne, Deadly, and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama." Piggy gets upset over not being cast in the melodrama, but when Annie Sue gets stage nerves, Piggy steps in and gets more than she bargained for.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  15. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Awwww, thanks MD! :)

    Actually the Buddy Hackett one has once again taken a backseat. I am currently working on two outlines, both set in late Season One. Ed Wynn, as mentioned, is one of them. The other is... (drumroll please)... CASS ELLIOTT!

    The Ed Wynn one is coming close to completion but I'm really struggling with the order of a few certain acts, mainly where to place Muppet News so that I don't jam up one section with Ed Wynn bits- I've got him in a closing number and an early number of course, Muppet News, the Talk Spot, a Panel Discussion spot, and Fozzie's Monologue. That's 6, and the difficulty is spacing them out. But the show has come together pretty well overall, and I think certain moments in it are particularly inspired.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  16. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    That's a thought. Personally I'd probably put ABBA in Early Third Season, since there were a lot of recording stars on the show at that time.

    Christopher Lee around the same time as Zero Mostel would certainly work- matter of fact I grew up thinking that the Zero Mostel episode was a Halloween episode- but actually when I started the Christopher Lee outline I placed it around the time of the Elton John and Lou Rawls episodes, just for yuks (again, there were a lot of recording artists on the show at that time, so in this case I just wanted to break it up a bit).

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  17. MuppetDude

    MuppetDude Active Member

    What about Lily Tomlin? She's worked with the Muppets many times, but never was a guest on the show.

    And there were two more guests that were proposed to appear during the fourth season, but never did: Robin Williams and Cher.
  18. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    I know, I just grew up thinking it was before I knew anything about the show aside from having seen the "Fears" poem (hence why I thought what I did) and the scene with Zero & Sam.

    As to your other suggestions, I have considered an Andy Kaufman outline but it doesn't interest me a whole lot right now (though I came up with a very Andy Kaufman-esque plot for it). Charlie's Angels- well, they had Cheryl Ladd on it in Season Three. Tomlinson's not a bad choice, though I should point out that for placement I go by taping rather than episode number (in cases where the two are not synonymous). The Loretta Swit episode was the first one taped in Season Five; the Gene Kelly episode was the last episode taped. There are totally different vibes to those two episodes IMO. I put the Loretta Swit and Joan Baez episode together b/c of their visual style and b/c the Joan Baez episode was obviously trying to be the Loretta Swit episode (possibility of core character leaving, only the second was manipulating and ineffective).

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  19. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Farrah left after Season One and was replaced by Cheryl Ladd.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
  20. Gorgon Heap

    Gorgon Heap Active Member

    Was re-reading and I wanted to make some small corrections/edits:

    I just realized that since Floyd is the lead singer, he should be in the middle. Janice smacks him with the guitar and she plays left-handed, that's why she should be on his left. Let's say that on the bottom riser, from screen left to screen right it's Zoot, Floyd, and Janice.

    The 'but you can't tuna fish' should be spoken by Rowlf, Piggy, and Janice together, before Rowlf goes into his next line. That's a line that everybody would see coming.

    Would've helped if I had mentioned in the header that Rex is there, standing next to him.

    The cheese should call him 'bub' or 'buddy', and then after the reaction from Rex and the Chef, it should say APPLAUSE. FADE OUT.

    Also, in Rex's song in the dressing room, there should be applause after he finishes the song, but before Piggy karate chops him.

    Kermit introduced Gonzo by name twice. Line should read:

    Kermit: “Uh, yes well, here now to sing “Sweet Molly Malone”-”

    And then the rest as normal.

    I changed the quote and fixed it so it reads as it should: the second and third sentences are combined, so that the cultural gap and crevasse are in the same sentence.

    Little things, but of course little things are important. Subtlety has guided the Muppets well over the years, and the sooner that said fact is remembered, the sooner the Muppets will climb back into the league they once played in.

    David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

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