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Wanda: Portrait of a Second Banana

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Winslow Leach, Mar 29, 2011.

  1. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    Y'know, never liked tiddlywinks myself...my aim was never very good...especially after the second or third vodka suicide...

    But THIS is funny. As. Sunburn. (On someone ELSE, of course. It's never funny when you have it yourself.) :concern:
  2. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    "Mother says tiddlywinks lead to other nasty habits..."
  3. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Chapter 22

    I'm wild again, beguiled again
    A simpering, whimpering child again


    Yours truly turned into a monster--literally--in front of about twenty million people. Just another week at The Muppet Show. As soon as we walked offstage, Wayne burst out laughing.

    "You look like such a freak!" he chortled. "A freak!"

    I sat in our dressing room, and began sobbing. Sam the Eagle, our biggest supporter, walked by, shaking his head and muttering softly. Before I could say it wasn't my fault, he was gone.

    I had no idea how Butkus pulled this one off, but I'm positive he was behind it. In fact, most of the "accidents" that happened during our act weren't accidents at all. To this day, I'm convinced Wayne intentionally sabotaged our act. Why? Because he told me--and anyone who would listen--more than once that television was a waste of his talents, that he was better seen live or on record than on the boob tube. Of course, our career was essentially over once we left the show, but Wayne was too proud to admit it. "To the top, baby," he told me once we were handed our walking papers. "Now we're going to the top!"

    Next thing I know, that little backstabber returned to the show, without notifying me! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Again.​
  4. Dearth

    Dearth Active Member

    I never thought Wanda of "W&W" would remind me so much of...


    I'm really starting to identify with this characterization.

  5. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    Hmmm...Wayne has the brains to pull off a sabotage?

    *scratchin head in puzzlement*

    Okay, artistic license, I'm with ya...
  6. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    *clasps hands together over chest anxiously waiting for next installment...*
  7. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Chapter 23

    I bet by now some of you are wondering why these chapters are so short. That's easy to answer. My publisher promised me X-amount of dollars per chapter. So at the very least, I'm going up to one hundred! Yeah baby! Guess who's gonna be rich when she reaches one hundred chapters?​

    I'm kidding. The chapters are short because...well...that's the way they turned out. So where were we? The part where I single-handedly fight the slime monsters and save the world?​

    Oh. Back to the night of the first date and Wayne giving me tiddlywinks. Joy.​

    I literally couldn't speak. My throat was dry. Surely this was a gag gift. Maybe Wayne had secretly met with daddy, and both agreed it would be a hoot to give me such a cheap, useless gift. I wasn't necessarily expecting Wayne to give me anything, you understand, but if he had to, why in the world would he--​

    Daddy swiped the package from my hands, adjusted his glasses, and stared closely at the product. He let out a loud snort that startled me.​

    "Cheap imitations," he sneered. "Young man, I manufacture tiddlywinks, and let me tell you...these are no tiddlywinks." Somewhere deep inside of me, I was still thinking this had to be a joke. If it was, daddy was pulling off a pretty convincing act. His face turned bright red. The veins in his neck started to bulge. And his eyes popped. He...was only acting. Right?​

    "Inferior!" he screamed. "Inferior! Inferior!"​

    And with that, daddy hurled the package to the floor and began stomping on it. Mommy tried to intervene, but daddy was too far gone. I could tell Wayne was frightened out of his wits, his back against the wall, eyes fixed on the floor as daddy repeatedly crushed the gift he brought me. I believe if he could have merged into the wallpaper, he would have. Was this raspy-voiced little man going to throttle him next?​

    Thinking quickly, I grabbed Wayne by the arm and opened the door. The poor guy's eyes were still watching daddy to his mad stomp dance. I definitely had a lot of explaining to do on our way to the pond.​

    "Mommy...daddy...we'll be back before midnight. Wayne says he was pleased to meet you. Right, Wayne?" Wayne, barely moving, couldn't pry his eyes from the floor. I let out a nervous giggle. "Right, Wayne? You're pleased to meet mommy and daddy?" Wayne let out a groan that could have meant "yes" or "no." Or maybe it didn't mean anything at all. We both managed to back ourselves outside, and I closed the door. We could still hear daddy ranting and stomping inside as I led Wayne to his car.​

    Somehow Wayne slid into the driver's seat. I got into the passenger side, and turned to him. He was staring straight ahead, not moving a muscle, a look of horror on his face.

    "Wayne," I said gently. "Wayne. Wayne. Wayne?"

    Wayne ever-so-slowly turned his head and looked at me blankly.

    "Wayne?" I asked. "Are you all right?"

    "What does your old man have against tiddlywinks?" he croaked.​
  8. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    Inferior tiddlywinks! Da howwah! Da howwah! :eek:

    Wish Wanda had pics of Wayne being completely shocked...mouth hanging open, face slack, hands clutched posessively over himself... That'd be one for the scrapbooks!
  9. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    *hip check*
    WHAT? That was totally legal! Two minutes? Come ON!!
  10. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Yo Eyetalian bro, you need to update this soon! Don't make me go all Ninja Butkus on you! =BBB

    I love the way you write Wanda and you've given a lot of dimension to a poor charrie that barely gets any recognition. It's nice to see a lesser-known girl muppet who isn't an OC for a change and has a goofy side. X3 I like her snarkiness and how down to earth she is in comparison to the pompous doof that is Wayne. It's very unique and I hope that those two get some good scenes in the new movie. XPP
    Winslow Leach likes this.
  11. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Oh no! Not Ninja Butkus! Anything but that! It hoyts! XPP

    Thank you so much, Ailie. I really appreciate your feedback, as always, and am so glad you like it so far! Yeah, Wanda never really got much attention. I'm trying to change that, at least in this fic. I enjoy making Wayne an egotistical fool; it helps make Wanda a stronger charrie. The Butkus is a legend (and a bully) only in his own mind, and Wanda clearly knows that. XD

    I promise I will update soon! Thank you again for your wonderful comments! =)

  12. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    One other thing....



    Winslow Leach likes this.
  13. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    I wonder how Wanda feels about being reunited with Wayne for "The Muppets"? In several bits now released you can glimpse the two of them standing together.

    I also suddenly wonder how many Facebook "friends" Mr Butkus has. And how many of them think they're currying favor with the nephew of Dick?
  14. Winslow Leach

    Winslow Leach Active Member

    Chapter 24

    "Where do you want it?"​


    "You proved yourself a worthy date. Where do you want it?"​

    I looked down at my ice skates. I couldn't decide. Wayne lifted my chin and I looked into his eyes.​

    "Come on, babe," he said in a gentle voice. "It's not so hard. Just choose a place."​

    I was freezing. Wayne was determined to get an answer out of me, but I had a feeling he could stand here all night waiting, since he was dressed warmer than me. I didn't want to upset him, but I honestly couldn't think straight at that moment. I think I had brain freeze.​

    "A-anywhere," I said.​

    "Don't be like that."​

    "Like what?"​

    "Indecisive. It's not appealing."​

    Before I could open my mouth, Wayne turned his back and headed up the hill towards his car. Unfortunately, he forgot he still had his ice skates on. Halfway up he stumbled, and fell on his knee. He howled.​

    Forgetting my own safety, I trudged the hill and knelt by him.​

    "Where does it hurt?" I asked, which in retrospect was a stupid question, as he was holding his knee.​

    "That's a stupid question," he said. "Can't you see I'm holding my knee?"​

    "Would you like me to put some ice on it?"​

    Wayne let out a short laugh. "Where are we going to find ice around here?"​

    I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.​

    "This wouldn't have happened if you had just told me where you wanted it!"​

    I blurted out the first word that came to mind. "The neck! Give it to me across the neck!"​

    Wayne gave me a look that seemed to last hours. He mumbled something, then produced the glossy head shot of himself, now crumpled and smeared with dirt, a result of his fall. Yes, I should have answered him as soon as he proposed the question, but I thought receiving an autographed photo as an end-of-date present was quite tacky.​

    Wayne reached for the pen, which was lying nearby, and painfully scrawled To Wanda--a swell babe across the neck of his photo. He handed it to me without a word.​

    "Thank you," I said. "I'll treasure this forever."​

    I never told him, but I lost that photo less than a week later.​
  15. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    *giggling madly*

    Wanda, a Swell Babe! Now THAT'S a line for her calling card, I'll bet...

    Keep going! More!
  16. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    I second that, newsmanfan! Post moar soon! =3
  17. newsmanfan

    newsmanfan Well-Known Member

    *glances left and right. Alley seems clear.*
    *dashes up to the wall where poster of WAYNE LIVE is still hanging on by one scraggly corner*
    *rips down poster*
    Oh boy! Maybe he'll autograph it for me!
    *dashes back into the night*
  18. Ruahnna

    Ruahnna Well-Known Member

    Okay Winslow--I'm slow to get around to reading but I just caught up on this one. Definitely a new take on an old and not very well-developed character. Thanks for making me laugh and groan at the same time.
  19. WhiteRabbit

    WhiteRabbit Well-Known Member

    Eyetalian bro, when you gon' update? XP

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