Get comfy, this is gonna be a longish one...
*****
Growing Together
Part 9: Three on a Dare
by Kim McFarland
*****
It was a late Saturday afternoon. Fozzie Bear had taken the bus to the Muppet Theater. Kermit has entrusted him with the task of coming up with a new final act for the show, and he thought he had a good idea, but he wasn't sure it would work. He wasn't sure anyone would like it. But he'd promised Kermit he'd come up with something, and he was a bear of his word. He had come to the theater because sitting in the audience or standing on the stage helped him picture what an act would look like.
When he went into the theater house some of the lights were already on. Someone had come in before him. That made him feel a little better; he didn't like being alone very much. The stage lights were on, and Scooter and Janken were on the stage. They had taken out a few hay bales from the jug band number and were sitting on them and talking. It didn't look like they were having a personal moment, so Fozzie walked onto the stage and said, "Hiya."
Janken looked over, and Scooter turned around and said, "Hi, Fozzie. What're you doing here so early?"
"I've got an act to work on for tonight's show. How about you?"
"I got studied out for the afternoon, so I'm helping Janken get used to the stage."
"Oh, stage fright, huh?" Fozzie said sympathetically. Janken nodded. "I get that too. It goes away when the act starts. Usually."
"I'm really new at this," Janken said sheepishly.
Fozzie sat down with them. "If it helps, I thought you did good last night. You didn't look scared to me."
Janken smiled. "Thanks. It does help."
Scooter asked Fozzie, "What kind of act are you working on?"
"Well, the song at the end last night seemed, kinda slow. I mentioned it to Kermit, and he asked me to pick out a better one and come up with an act."
Scooter and Janken exchanged glances. "You saw that too. Have you picked out a song?" Scooter asked.
"Yeah. Well, I think so. But I'm not sure how to write an act around it," Fozzie said hesitantly.
Fozzie had a CD case in his hand, Scooter noticed. He stood up and, beckoning them to follow him into the left wings, said, "C'mon, let's hear it."
The three went to Janken's console. It controlled the cameras, and could also send out audio and video. Fozzie handed the CD to Janken, who slid it into the tray. "It's the second song."
Janken clicked on the third track. The music began. It was fast-paced and goofy, and so were the lyrics. Scooter grinned after he heard the first few lines. He remembered the video for this one.
When the song finished Fozzie asked anxiously, "What do you think? Is it too silly?"
"Nah. I like it," Scooter said. "It's peppy, we can use just about everybody in the song, and I bet by the end we'll have the audience singing too. Let's do it."
"Oh, good! I'll talk to Kermit."
"Wait, first let's flesh it out some, give him something that's ready to put onstage," Scooter said.
"Okay."
"It'd help is we went through Wardrobe to find as much Devo-like stuff as we can, but let's save that for later. First let's write it up. Who gets which lines?"
*
Several hours later the rest of The Muppets arrived at the theater. Fozzie, Scooter, and Janken were sitting on the stage and laughing. Kermit the Frog walked out to them. "I was wondering where you were, Fozzie. What've you got for me?"
"Try this out for size, boss," Scooter said, and handed Kermit his pad.
Kermit read the title. It was not a song he remembered. Below it was the lyrics, with names added after the lines and other notes in between. Scooter said, "The costumes won't be hard. It's a Devo-style song, so we can just find Devo-like stuff in Wardrobe and go from there. No need to make anything new."
"No time, either," Kermit replied.
Scooter said to Fozzie, "Why don't you play the song for Kermit while I print this out?"
"Sure!"
Kermit, Fozzie, and Janken went to the camera console. Janken started the playback again. This time it came through the theater's sound system, so it sounded like ghosts were playing a concert. The other Muppets looked startled by the noise, which seemed to be coming from two lone bales of hay.
When the song finished Fozzie said, "Well? What do you think?" as confidently as he could manage.
Before Kermit could answer Scooter bustled up with a handful of copies of the act's script. He handed one to each of them. "Here we go. The biggest parts are for Al, The Electric Mayhem, and Fozzie. Al already knows the song, of course. The Electric Mayhem can play it; they're great at picking up new tunes fast. And the lead-in with Fozzie and Al is short, so it won't need much rehearsal, and if they go off script it won't matter as long as they get to the song cue. As for the rest of us, the parts are small, so we can learn it in no time flat."
Some of the other Muppets had come over, wondering what the fuss was about. Scooter saw them and handed around more copies, explaining that they were working on a new final act.
Miss Piggy looked at the pages that Scooter had offered her. Then she said, looking from Scooter to Kermit, "A new finale?"
For once Scooter didn't pipe up. Kermit said, "Er, yes. We were thinking of moving One More Minute to earlier in the show and ending with a different song. So we can finish with more of an, ah, bang."
"But if you add something, you will also have to cut something, won't vous?"
"Well, yeah, unless something falls through," Kermit conceded.
"I see." Miss Piggy looked at the pages again, then handed them back to Scooter. "Kermie, you may cut moi's song with Al. This once, moi will step aside for the good of the show."
Startled, Kermit said, "Are you sure, Piggy?"
"Of course, Kermie. I already have another part in the second act, and if you move One More Minute up I won't be able to change costumes and do my hair." She threw a smile at them. "Go on and have your fun. Ta ta!"
Kermit and Scooter exchanged surprised glances. They didn't have to say what they were both thinking: That went easier than expected. Scooter said, "So, Boss, what do you think?"
"I think you've presented me with a fait accompli," the frog answered.
Undeterred, Scooter asked, "So, do you like it?"
"Sure. Make copies for everyone in the act and tell them that rehearsal starts right after Weird Al gets here."
"Sure thing, chief!"
Wryly Kermit said, "Sometimes I wonder what keeps you from taking over the whole show."
Cheerfully Scooter replied, "I could never do that, boss! Your signature's too hard to imitate," and headed off for the copier.
*
Kermit, Fozzie, and Scooter were conferring at Kermit's desk when Weird Al Yankovic entered via the back door. Apparently nobody had given him new directions, Kermit thought. He said, "Hi, Al. I'm glad to see you. We've got something a little different in mind for tonight's show."
"Oh? What's the plan?" Al asked.
Kermit glanced at Scooter. Recognizing his cue, Scooter said, "We're going to swap the final act. One More Minute was good, but Fozzie's come up with something that's even better! Remember how you said you'd like to play with the Electric Mayhem?"
Kermit left them to it. He looked across the stage to backstage left. Janken was playing the song for the band. Thankfully, they could play a tune from memory, without benefit of sheet music. Possibly the only Muppet who used sheet music was Rowlf.
Gonzo was reading the new script pages. He looked preoccupied. Kermit went over to him and asked, "What's up?"
"Oh, nothing," Gonzo answered.
"You look like you've got something on your mind."
"Well, yeah, I do. But it's nothing to worry about. I'm good." Gonzo gave a small smile. "Oh—look what I have!" He held a plastic container out to Kermit.
Kermit took it, popped the top, and looked inside. "It's butter."
"Yes! Just what my act needed yesterday."
Kermit handed it back. "Good thinking," was all he could say.
He turned back to Al, Scooter, and Fozzie. From the look of it, Scooter had sold the act to Weird Al. Al was saying, "Then I guess I won't need to go back and get my accordion after all. Do you have goggles?"
Scooter replied, "You'd be amazed at what we have in Wardrobe."
"I guess so. Give me a minute and I'll be ready to rehearse."
"Sure thing," Scooter said as Al went up the stairs to his dressing room.
*
During the next ten minutes Scooter rushed around copies of the new act's script around to anyone who hadn't gotten one yet, various Muppets hunted around in Wardrobe for suitable costumes, and the Electric Mayhem played snatches of music. Then Kermit intercommed everybody to the stage for rehearsal. At first they just listened to the song. Then they ran through the act several times, working out the logistical problems that having so many people onstage would cause. Some lines were swapped between Muppets. Scooter made notes of all the changes on his script. After they had done one smooth run-through and everyone was satisfied, Scooter went off to enter the changes, print out new copies of the pages, and hand them out. By the time he tapped on Weird Al's dressing room door the first members of the audience had taken their seats.
Al said "Come in." Scooter did, and Al said, "Is that the last number?"
"Yep. I bet it's gonna be great!" Scooter said, handing it over.
"I sure hope so. Thanks."
"No problem. See ya in twenty-seven minutes!" Scooter darted back out.
*
When Weird Al came out of his dressing room twenty-six minutes later, the Muppets backstage were comparing costumes. Only a few came close to those worn in the video—hazmat suits, which they had on hand for Muppet Labs—but that was fine. They were going for an overall image, and having a wonderful time of it. As he watched Sweetums high-fived Bean Bunny, sending the rabbit flying across the area.
Scooter announced via the intercom, "The show's starting! Places, everyone!" The Muppets quickly put their costumes aside. In the orchestra pit, the theme began to play. Kermit caught Weird Al's eye and waved just before hopping up to the back of the logo.
Weird Al watched the opening theme from the wings. When Sweetums came backstage after posing in the arches, Al said, "Hey, I have an idea. Would you do me a favor?"
Surprised, Sweetums said, "Sure."
*
In front of the curtains, warmed by the spotlight, Kermit said, "Welcome once again to that which we call The Muppet Show! We have a fantastic show for you tonight. Tonight's guest is one we've wanted have as a guest for years, and tonight I can finally say, let’s give a big round of applause for Weird Al Yankovic! Yaaay!" He waved his arms, and the audience cheered.
Nobody joined Kermit onstage. When the applause died down Kermit said to the right wings, "Uh, Al?" No answer. "Has anybody seen Al?"
Sweetums lumbered onstage, carrying Weird Al over his shoulder. The monster said, "I caught him tryin' to sneak out the back way," and plopped him down on his feet next to Kermit. He dusted his hands off and walked back offstage.
Al, looking frightened, said, "Uh...hi."
"We're so glad that you've finally come to visit with us, Al. And we're even more glad that you've even written us a song."
"I have?"
Sweetums leaned out into the stage and glared at him. "Yeah, you have!"
"Oh. Uh... okay, I guess I have." A microphone stand rose from the orchestra pit. Weird Al caught it. The orchestra began to play the music to I Will Survive.
Kermit watched from the side. He hadn't expected that entrance with Sweetums. He had been concerned about the last-minute switch in acts; some guest stars didn't like such surprises. Weird Al, on the other hand, rolled with the punches and came up with some of his own.
When the song was finished Al bowed over and over. Just as the applause was thinning Sweetums walked back onstage, slung Al over his shoulder again, and carried him offstage, still blowing kisses to the audience. Once backstage Sweetums set him down again and went to help change the set for Gonzo's electroplating stunt. Kermit said, "That was great. When did you two plan that?"
"Right before we did it," he answered.
Scooter said, "'Scuse me, guys. Kermit, have you seen Bubba?"
"No. The rest of the jug band's in the canteen, but he didn't show up."
"I thought so. Thanks." He tapped the intercom on Kermit's desk. "Jan, Bubba's still a no-show. I need you to fill in again."
"Okay. I've got the vest and hat," Janken answered.
*
The show progressed normally, as much as that term applied. Gonzo again successfully bronzed his nose, and thanks to the butter he had brought he de-bronzed himself as soon as Gladys melted it for him. Most of the Muppets spent their time gearing up for the final number. Many of the costumes weren't exactlly Devo, but they certainly fit in with the stated theme of the song. Some came up with bits of business to add to the number. They weren't edited into the script; Scooter had too much to do to type them in, and it was more fun to just let it happen.
Janken played in the jug band while Scooter covered the cameras for him, then took his place back at the console. This time he grinned shakily at Scooter, and got a pat on the back before Scooter scurried off to backstage right. It was still scary onstage, but Janken could handle it. He only had to do it once more—unless he lucked out and Bubba finally turned up, which by now was very unlikely—and he was pleased with himself for facing up to it this time.
Intermission came and went, as did the second half of the show. When the curtain rose for the final number Fozzie and Weird Al were alone onstage behind a waist-high wall. They were both leaning over it as if to gossip. Fozzie said, "I'm glad we finally got a chance to talk. How do you like the show?"
Al replied, "It's great. This is the most fun I've had since yesterday."
"I wanted to ask, how do you write all those funny songs?"
Al replied, "Well, I choose songs people will recognize and write about things people know. You know, food, TV, junk E-mail, that kind of thing. Some of the ideas just pop into my head based on the titles. I don't usually take suggestions, but when Madonna came up with Like a Surgeon, well, how could I say no?"
"Yeah," Fozzie says, chin in one hand, eagerly listening.
Weird Al continued, "After I have the hook, what the song's about, I start writing lyrics. Take the joke and run with it, and get as silly as I can with it."
"Yeah, silly is good," Fozzie agreed.
"In fact, I say, don't stop with silly. Take it even further."
Surprised, Fozzie asked, "Further? How far?"
Al said reluctantly, "I... uh, Fozzie, I can't just say it."
"Why? Why not?" Fozzie asked.
"Because I can only tell you... in a song!"
On cue, the wall collapsed, and the Elerctric Mayhem's stand rose behind it. The band appeared in their places, and they began to play a manic tune. Al sang into a now-visible boom mike,
"Put down that chainsaw and listen to me,
It's time for us to join in the fight.
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
It's time to let the bedbugs bite."
Gonzo and a flock of hens joined them onstage. Gonzo sang,
"You better put all your eggs in one basket!"
Camilla clucked,
You better count your chickens before they hatch!
Kermit came in from the other side and said,
"You better sell some wine before its time,"
Rowlf sang,
"You better find yourself an itch to scratch."
Fozzie, happily snapping his fingers in time with the music, sang,
"You better squeeze all the Charmin you can
When Mr. Whipple's not around!"
Beauregard wandered onstage with a mop over one shoulder.
"Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan."
Rizzo the Rat said,
"Talk with your mouth full."
Johnny Fiama and Sal made their entrance. Sal said,
"Bite the hand that feeds you."
Fiama shot him a glare and said,
"Bite off more than you can chew."
Weird Al said,
"What can you do?
Dare to be stupid!"
Dr. Strangepork sang,
"Take some wooden nickels."
Link followed with,
"Look for Mr. Goodbar."
Pepe countered,
"Get your mojo working now, okay."
Weird Al sang,
"I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid!"
Janice sang,
"You can turn the other cheek."
Floyd sang,
"You can just give up the ship."
Miss Piggy appeared next to Kermit.
"You can eat a bunch of sushi, then forget to leave a tip."
Everyone sang together,
"Dare to be stupid!
Come on and dare to be stupid!
It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid!
We're all waiting for you—
Al said,
"Let's go!"
The Electric Mayhem were joined for the instrumental by Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones. Lew Zealand tossed fish around. In their box, Statler and Waldorf watched, stunned. After a few moments Waldorf said, "I don't know what to say."
"They've taken away all of our ammo."
"Still, you have to admire their principles."
"What principle?" Statler asked.
"Truth in advertising."
They both laughed. Onstage, Sweetums sang,
"It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill.
So can I have a volunteer?"
Scooter sang,
"There's no more time for crying over spilled milk."
Clifford replied,
"Now it's time for crying in your beer."
They nodded to each other and made to leave the stage, but were blocked by Sam the Eagle, who admonsished them,
"Settle down, raise a family, join the P.T.A.,
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet."
Crazy Harry cackled,
"Then party till you're broke and they drag you away!"
Al sang,
"It's okay! You can dare to be stupid!"
Lew Zealand sang,
"It's like spitting on a fish."
Rowlf sang,
"It's like barking up a tree."
Uncle Deadly appeared, startling those around him.
"It's like I said, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free."
Everyone sang,
"Dare to be stupid!
Yes, Why don't you dare to be stupid!
It's so easy, so easy to do, why don’t you do it!
We're all waiting for you, dare to be stupid!"
Wayne sang, causing others to wince,
"Burn your candle at both ends,"
Wanda upped the ante with,
"Look a gift horse in the mouth."
The Swedish Chef added,
"Måshed pøtatœs kan bë yøeur frîënds."
Pops sang,
"You can be a coffee achiever."
Bobo the Bear sang,
"You can sit around the house
And watch Leave It To Beaver."
Al sang,
"The future's up to you,
So what you gonna do?
Dare to be stupid!
Dare to be stupid!"
Al started calling lines out, with all of the Muppets onstage responding.
"What did I say?
Dare to be stupid!
Tell me, what did I say?
Dare to be stupid!
It's all right,
Dare to be stupid!
We can be stupid all night!
Dare to be stupid!
Come on, join the crowd!
Dare to be stupid!
Shout it out loud!
Dare to be stupid!
I can't hear you.
Dare to be stupid!
Okay, I can hear you now.
Dare to be stupid!
Everyone repeated the last line. Janken, at his station, was singing along for the sheer silly joy of it. Up in the monitors, he saw that the audience had joined the call-and-response, and by now even Statler and Waldorf had given in and were singing along.
They were still singing when Kermit stepped up to the front of the stage and said, "And on that note, I'd like to thank our wonderfully wacky guest star, Weird Al Yankovic!"
Weird Al came forward and said, "Thanks, Kermit. I've had a blast being on your show."
"Oh, good, that's..." Kermit glanced back. Everyone was still repeating "Dare to be Stupid" with gusto. Kermit said, "I think the song's over now. You can stop."
"We don't know how," Beauregard replied desperately.
"Yeah, we're stuck!" Bean Bunny squeaked.
Kermit said, "Sheesh. We'll get this sorted out by next week's episode of The Muppet Show!"
*
In the canteen, Gladys heard the familiar theme song replace Dare to be Stupid. Moments later, the canteen was thronged with Muppets needing water to soothe sorely-taxed throats.
*****
All characters except Janken and Weird Al Yankovic are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. Dare to be Stupid is copyright © Weird Al Yankovic. and Weird Al Yankovic is, of course, copyright © himself. All copyrighted characters and people are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
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