The Muppet Show with Paul McCartney

[cjd874]

Hi all! I've read several fan fics here and I decided to try writing one. Yes, one of the greatest musicians of all time on the Muppet Show...if only it had happened.

(probably around Season 3)

Cold Open:
(knocking on Paul's door, Scooter enters)
Scooter: Paul McCartney? Oh, 15 seconds 'til curtain, Mr. McCartney.
PM: Thank you, Scooter. Oh, wait...Scooter?
Scooter: Yes, Mr. McCartney?
PM: Call me Paul.
Scooter: Uh, yeah...what is it, Paul?
Paul: Well, I've heard about this fellow named Crazy Harry...I'm kind of nervous about him...he likes...bombs...and stuff, doesn't he?
Scooter: Oh, Paul, don't worry about him. Just focus on the show. We're all so happy to have you here. You! Paul McCartney! Oh, we're going to have a blast!
(on cue, Crazy Harry pops up behind them)
CH: Hahahaha! Did someone say "blast"? (detonates explosives right by Scooter, who faints. Paul chuckles & Harry continues to cackle)
Paul: That was quite funny actually. You're not so bad, Harry. I think our friendship has started with a bang.
(Harry promptly sets off more explosives and an alarmed McCartney falls to the floor)

Kermit: It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star...Mr. Paul McCartney! YAAAYYYY!!! (audience screams with delight as theme song begins)
Gonzo's horn: a guitar power chord comes out, scaring Gonzo.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show! Tonight is a very special night because our guest star is the famous musician Mr. Paul McCartney! (audience bursts into applause) But first, let's settle down and dance under the moonlight...
Opening Number:
A married Whatnot couple sing Van Morrison's "Moondance" (male voice by Richard) while dancing outdoors at night and the moon (Jerry) sways in time with the music. Soon the moon gets tired and falls down on the Whatnots.
Balcony:
Waldorf: You know, they had the moon during that number, but no stars. None!
Statler: Well, let's face it: there were never, and will never be, any stars on that stage!
Both: Dooooh-hohohohohoho!!!
Backstage Scene 1:
(Kermit is at his desk when Floyd Pepper enters)
Floyd: Hey, Kermit, el hombre verde! Did you say that Paul McCartney is the guest star?
Kermit: Yes, Floyd, he is. The former bassist of the Beatles, the leader of Wings, the million-selling recording artist---
Floyd: My all-time favorite, bass-strumming, supercool idol! Right on, Kermit! I can't wait to lay down some licks with that dude! When's our number?
Kermit: Number?
Floyd: Yeah, man, you promised me and the band a spot on tonight's show!
Kermit: Uh...I...well...(gulp)
Floyd: Don't tell me you forgot to save a spot for us, my main amphibian.
Kermit: Well, Floyd, despite the fact that I know how much you and the band love the Beatles, and Paul McCartney, I..unfortunately...I...(backs away as Floyd realizes the deal and begins to tower over him menacingly) I'm sorry, Floyd...I forgot to do so! It's just that I was busy trying to get him here, and keep the show running and I...(runs away)
Floyd: Oh, no! Come on, man! Get back here! Aw, man! There's gonna be some heavy action now. (runs after Kermit as Janice, Dr. Teeth and Animal enter)
Janice: Oh, wow, like, what a bummer that we can't play with Paul tonight.
Dr. Teeth: Hey, listen. We gotta join Floyd and ask the frog for our spot with Paul. We'll do whatever it takes. And I'm pos-o-lutely sure we can get it.
Animal: POS-O-LUTE-LEEEEE!!! AAAHH!! (they exit)

2B continued

 

[Vincent L]

Hey, not bad! Will be nice if it actually happened.
I do complain, however, that Kermit's character doesn't seem in place in the last paragraph.

 

[MissMusical12]

Hey, not bad! Will be nice if it actually happened.
I do complain, however, that Kermit's character doesn't seem in place in the last paragraph.

I do agree with Vincent. It's really good, but Kermit's character does seem out of place in the last paragraph. Other than that, it's really good. And Floyd and Spanish. Nuff said.

 

[FrackleFan2012]

Wow! I like it.
I hope you continue your story.

 

[cjd874]

Hi all! Next part is here, and I'll try to work on getting Kermit's voice down.

(Kermit walks onstage)
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't have many rock stars on the show, but--- (A giant star made of stone enters, dressed in a furry vest, a sequined hat, and round shades. Voiced by Frank Oz, using the Sesame News Flash Pied Piper voice.)
Star: Yeah, man, it's about time we got one!
Kermit: Ah, I-I'm sorry, but who are you?
Star: I'm a rock star, frog. What'd ya think I was, chopped liver? Come on...
(Kermit scrunches his mouth up, while Statler and Waldorf do double takes...remember Statler's remark about no stars ever being on stage?)
Kermit: Sheesh. Well, which band are you with?
Star: Who else? The Rolling Stones! Heh heh heh...
Kermit: All right! Out! Out! Out! (stars trudges offstage) And now, it's time for the first number with our special guest star...ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Paul McCartney!!! (curtain opens, audience cheers)
Musical Number:
Paul is sitting on an island with an acoustic guitar in hand. He is surrounded by palm trees and tropical plants...Miss Piggy is sitting next to him, flowers in her hair and a flowing dress. He sings "Bluebird" from the "Band on the Run" album. As he sings, Miss Piggy joins in on some verses, and four Muppet bluebirds chime in on the chorus. Thunderous applause at the end.
Balcony:
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, did you like that song?
Waldorf: Yes, it took me away to a beautiful tropical island. But you know what?
Statler: What?
Waldorf: I wish I could really be taken away from this show!
Both: Dooooo-hohohohohohoho!!!
Backstage Scene 2:
(Kermit is congratulating the bluebirds & Miss Piggy as they leave the stage)
Kermit: OK, guys, great job. Wonderful song, wonderful song.
Bluebird (Dave Goelz generic Whatnot voice, like the At the Dance Waiter Jokes skit): Thank you, Kermit. I'm so happy...you know, we don't feel so sad and blue anymore...(the bluebirds magically change into brightly colored birds---red, lime green, orange, and yellow, Kermit does a double take as the birds exit)
Kermit: Weird...that was weird... (Electric Mayhem walk up to Kermit)
Floyd: OK, Kermit, my amphibi-brother. Me and the band gotta talk with you. (The other Mayhem members surround Floyd and Kermit)
Kermit: Uh, listen, Floyd, I'm still trying to fit you guys into the show...but there's no spots left. I'm sorry about it, I tried, but...
Janice: But Kermit, you, like, promised us a spot on the show with Paul! Like, what's the deal here? Rully...
Kermit: I-I just forgot about it...I mean, I was trying to get the whole show running smoothly for once so nothing would go wrong tonight. I mean, it's Paul McCartney we're talking about here...
(on cue, Paul exits his dressing room and the audience cheers. Paul approaches Kermit & EM.)
Paul: Hey, fellas, what's going on here?
Kermit: Well, Paul, it's kind of a long story...(pauses) you see, the band and I were---
Floyd: Hmph. I don't dig this jive talk. Let's get outta here.
Janice: Fer sure.
Dr. Teeth: Let's split.
Animal: SPLIT! SPLIT! BANANA SPLIT!
Dr. Teeth: Uh oh, Animal's hungry. (Mayhem members exit, still upset. Kermit & Paul watch them go.)
Paul: Kermit, what's wrong?
Kermit: Well, I...I...oh gee, Paul...I was hoping the show would go well tonight, and now the band is angry.
Paul: Why?
Kermit: I promised them a spot on the show with you, and I forgot to give it to them. (sighs) After your last song, we have Daphne Sue and her Tap Dancing Macaw as the closing act.
Paul: Hmm, I see. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can figure things out, chap.
Kermit: Yeah, me too. Me too.
Paul: And if it doesn't work, then you'll just have to "let it be". (Kermit chuckles at the joke.) But good luck, Kermit. (Paul leaves, and pats Kermit on the back.)
Kermit: Hey...Paul McCartney just patted me on the back. A rock star patted me on the back!
(the huge stone star appears again)
Star: What are ya talking about, baby? I did no such thing. Ugh, I don't dig this jive talk.
Kermit: Sheesh. Neither do I. (Both of their mouths scrunch up.)
Muppet Labs:
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew invents the Muppet Labs Automatic Amplifier 6000. It picks up sounds and plays them back instantaneously at a decibel level 3 times louder than the input sounds. He has Beaker demonstrate by rustling a sheet of paper in front of the amplifier, which plays the noise back at 60 dB. Then Beaker meeps, and shakes as his voice is played back at 180 dB. Beaker is hurting at this point, but then Bunsen tests his device one last time by strumming an electric guitar on the other side of the room. The machine explodes right in Beaker's face, but Bunsen, as usual, is unharmed.
Waldorf: Ha! That is the most useless contraption ever invented. Hey, Statler, what do you think?
(Statler doesn't hear him)
Waldorf: STATLER???
(still no reply...Statler's hearing aid is dead. Waldorf realizes this.)
Waldorf: (yelling down to the stage) Hey, Honeydew, how much does that thing cost? I could really use one of those for this guy over here. (motions toward Statler, who still doesn't hear him)
Backstage Scene 3:
(Kermit is at the desk as Bunsen and Beaker go backstage. Beaker's hair is burnt, his face is blackened, and smoke is coming out of the side of his head.)
Kermit: Bunsen? Is Beaker OK?
Bunsen: Oh, yes, he's OK. See for yourself.
Beaker: Meeeeee... (Beaker staggers and collapses on the floor.)
Bunsen: Oops, slight misstep there, Beaker...(laughs, picks up Beaker, and leaves)
Kermit: If that's Beaker when he's OK...sheesh, I don't even want to think about it. (Fozzie runs in frantically.)
Fozzie: Kermit! Oh, Kermit! You won't believe what just happened! (stops and gasps for air) It---I---Ohhhh no...
Kermit: What is it?
Fozzie: You know how Daphne Sue and her Tap Dancing Macaw were supposed to close tonight's show?
Kermit: Yeah?
Fozzie: Well, I...oh, Kermit...it's too...I can't say it. It was awful! Ohhhh...
Kermit: Fozzie, what's going on? You have to tell me what happ---
(Sweetums walks in and burps...feathers fall out of his mouth. He quickly covers his mouth and exits hurriedly. Daphne Sue chases after Sweetums, shouting hysterically.)
Fozzie: See?!
(Kermit realizes what this means)
Kermit: FLOYD!!! PAUL!!!! (dashes away, while Fozzie stares in confusion)

2B continued...

 

[Twisted Tails]

I am definetely can understand it now. The band spliting up does kind of reference to the last episode from the first season of the Muppet Show. I rully love Floyd's lines, man. They are so cool!

AWWWWW! SWEETUMS! Why did you have to eat that cute bird?

 

[cjd874]

I am definetely can understand it now. The band spliting up does kind of reference to the last episode from the first season of the Muppet Show. I rully love Floyd's lines, man. They are so cool!

AWWWWW! SWEETUMS! Why did you have to eat that cute bird?

They're not necessarily splitting up, a la the Beatles...they're just leaving 'cause they can't handle the fact that they're not performing with Paul.
Sweetums' response to your question: I ate him..because he didn't like me!!!! (Avery Schreiber reference. )

 

[LipsGF4Life]

GOOD! Please Continue!

 

[FrackleFan2012]

Yes! Continue, please!!

 

[cjd874]

Now that I have a full stomach from Thanksgiving...here is the third part:

Muppet News Flash:
Newsman: HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!!! The Alameda County Truck Festival has come to a permanent end. Reports say that there has been a drop in the number of spectators over the past five years. The sponsors are not giving up, however, and are searching for a new place to hold the Festival---OH NO!!!
CRRRAAAAASSSSHHHH!!!!!
(A few monster trucks smash through the side wall and drive past the Newsman's desk, sending debris everywhere. Newsman dives to the floor and then rises, quaking with fear.)
Musical Number (UK Spot):
Outdoors scenery: Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Robin the Frog sing "I'll Be Seeing You" by Billie Holiday.
Balcony:
Waldorf: You know, Statler, that song is one-of-a-kind.
Statler: What makes you say that?
Waldorf: It's the ONE good song I've heard tonight!
Both: Doooooo-hohohohohoho!!!
Fozzie's Act:
Kermit: OK, now it's time once again to hop on board and fasten your seat belts because here comes some fast-paced comedy from that fantastically fuzzy funny man, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie: Thank you, thank you, and thank YOU! Aaaah! Oh boy, do I have some great jokes for you tonight!
Waldorf: That's what you said last time!
Statler: Yeah, and no one stayed awake long enough for you to finish your act!
Both: Dooooo-hohohohohoho!!!
Fozzie: Tonight, my jokes will be based on MUSIC! So...what kind of net cannot be used to catch a fish? A CLARINET! Aaaahhh!
Statler: Speaking of fish, you're all washed up!
Waldorf: Your jokes have no porpoise!
Fozzie: Oh, come on, guys! Why are you heckling me?
Statler: Oh, just for the halibut!
W&S: Dooooooo-hohohohohoho!!!
Fozzie: Ugh...anyway...what did the grumpy drummer say to his friend when he wanted to be alone? He said, "Make like a drum and beat it!" Wocka wocka!
Waldorf: Boy, your jokes are NOT music to our ears!
Statler: I'd rather listen to some of that punk whaddayacallit music than your jokes!
Waldorf: Heh! I'd rather listen to NOTHING!
Both: Dooooooooooo-hohohohohohohohohoho!!!
Statler: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's turn off our hearing aids! (they do so)
Fozzie: OK, OK, fine. I don't need you guys. I got this lovely audience here! (points to audience...all members have their ears plugged up in some way or another)
Fozzie: Now these two---I---uhhhh...(realizes what audience is doing) Never mind. (slowly walks offstage, deeply embarrassed)
Backstage Scene 4:
Kermit: Oh, boy. Not a good crowd tonight, huh Fozzie?
Fozzie: Kermit, it was AWFUL! No one wanted to listen! Kermit, you gotta help me out here! I am a desperate bear! (shakes Kermit) PLEASE, oh froggy friend of mine! I need your help!
Kermit: Fozzie, I'd love to, but I'm quite busy.
Fozzie: With what?
Kermit: Well, first I have to help Gonzo find his missing avocados for his high-diving act. (laughter from audience) Then I have to help Rowlf, Beau, and Scooter move the grand piano onstage. Then I have to order a new dress for Miss Piggy's song next week because---
Both: She tore her old one. (more laughter)
Kermit: Then I have to talk with Floyd and the band...listen, Fozzie, I'll talk with you after the show, OK? (leaves)
Fozzie: Kermit, no! I---ah...ohhhh. (pause) Somedays I wish I wasn't a comedian...maybe I should have been an actor...or a musician...but not a comedian.
(Paul McCartney enters from his dressing room and hears Fozzie lamenting.) I shouldn't tell jokes ever again...
Paul: Fozzie, what's wrong?
Fozzie: Paul...you gotta help me. I've been trying to do my act, but those guys up there are always heckling me...it's too much...oh...I don't want to be a comedian anymore...I hate being heckled.
Paul: Don't worry, lad. It's all right. (pats Fozzie on the back) Listen, I've seen my fair share of hecklers in my life.
Fozzie (genuinely surprised): You HAVE? You! Paul McCartney, of the Beatles...you've been HECKLED?! Oh, this I gotta hear!
Paul: Sure, everyone in the business gets mocked and heckled. That's how you become a star. You learn from your mistakes and you keep on going. You have to try harder and harder to get to the top. Before I was in the Beatles, I played in some really tough places. But I never gave up. I had great friends who told me to keep on going even when I wanted to stop.
Fozzie: Wow! I don't believe this! I never thought rock stars got heckled.
Paul: Of course! And if you need to talk to me about this, I'm here. I'm your friend.
Musical Number (backstage):
(Paul sings a slow version of "I Will" to Fozzie and audience applauds.)
Fozzie: Oh, Paul. Thank you! Thank you so much! Now I know what I have to do!
Paul: What's that?
Fozzie: I gotta practice telling my jokes! And I need people who are willing to listen! (they look around the backstage area, but no one else is there...so Fozzie points right at Paul) That means you, sir.
(Paul looks at the camera, slightly alarmed)
Fozzie (goes right into joke-telling mode): What happens when you push a piano down a mine? You get A FLAT MINOR!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Paul (to himself): Oh, Paul, another fine mess you've gotten yourself into. (Fozzie keeps rambling and Paul gives us an "Ohhhh boy" look.)

2B continued...Swedish Chef, Gonzo's Act & the big finale...