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Chapter Twenty-Nine
After Miss Piggy was dismissed from the stage, she coincidently ran into Kermit the Frog and his friends. Of course, he knew as well as she did that coincidence had nothing to do with it. But for the sake of courtesy and their own amusement, they both pretended to be oblivious to that knowledge.
“Congratulations on winning the beauty contest,” he said. A little harmless flirting won’t hurt, he thought.
“Oh, thank you!” she gushed. “Of course, normally I don’t do anything so- trivial. I am an actress/model.”
“Oh is that right?” Kermit said. “Well, I’m something of a performer, too.”
She responded well to that. He made a mental note to himself that a lot of girls seemed to respond well to that.
“Hey Kermit, who’s the cute lookin’ pig?” Gonzo interrupted.
She did not respond well to that.
“I beg your pardon?” Miss Piggy almost snarled as she slowly turned to Gonzo with gritted teeth.
“If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable!” he teased.
“Gonzo,” Kermit whined, half-wondering if the weirdo had ever used a similar line on Camilla.
“Hey I thought we were gonna get some ice cream,” Fozzie said.
“Oh uh, in a minute, I’ll join you,” Kermit said. He watched them walk away, then turned to Miss Piggy and tried to think of a way to restart the conversation without being awkward.
She did it for him. “So. What are you doing in town, short, green, and handsome?” she giggled.
“Oh we’re heading west,” he said.
She shifted her weight as enticingly as she could, which was very enticingly indeed. “Really?”
Keep your flippers on the ground, Kermit, he reminded himself. There IS something called reality. “I really should go with my friends for ice cream,” he said.
She immediately switched from enticing to heart broken.
“You want to come along?” he offered.
He had never seen as much excitement in one person’s eyes as he instantly saw in hers. “ME? You- you really mean it? Oh! Um- I’ll be right back! Um- don’t move!” And she hurried away.
It wasn’t quite the reaction he had expected. In fact, it was unimaginably distant from the reaction he had expected. He stood where he was, thoroughly baffled.
Finally spotting Kermit, Fozzie hurried over to him with an ice cream cone in each hand. “Kermit? Kermit?” Kermit turned. Which ice cream cone was his again? Oh yeah- Kermit’s was in his right hand, because Kermit was always right, and his was in his left hand, because, well, it was the only hand left. He handed the right-hand cone to Kermit. “Where’s your pig friend?”
Kermit sounded vaguely disappointed. “Well I’m not really sure. She said she was coming for ice cream, but uh-“
“Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Here I am! Here I am!” Miss Piggy was back. The cape was gone and she had changed into a blue dress, her crown replaced with a hat, and her hair tied into pigtails. Fozzie wondered if a pig in pigtails could make a good joke. “I’m packed! I’m packed!” she declared. Sure enough, she was holding a suitcase.
“Yeah, I see that,” Kermit said politely. “What for?”
She was suddenly crest-fallen. “You said I could come with you…”
Fozzie backed up. Had Kermit said that?
His friend looked alarmed, too. “To buy ice cream, not to Hollywood!”
She practically jumped with excitement. “We’re going to- Hollywood?”
Fozzie kept his mouth shut and let Kermit find a way out of it.
“No. I mean, listen… When I, when I said… I mean, well, when you heard… Oh brother…”
Then Fozzie was distracted. Was that Gonzo’s voice? He looked and saw a huge bunch of balloons floating into the air, with a very happy Gonzo in tow. Fozzie felt his jaw drop, and he instinctively tapped Kermit’s shoulder.
“GONZO!” Kermit shouted, noticing. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“ABOUT SEVEN KNOTS!” the weirdo answered. The wind was blowing him away.
“WE’LL FOLLOW YOU! To the car,” Kermit ordered.
“Yes sir.”
And Miss Piggy came with.
Somehow, they had managed to get Gonzo into the car, and they settled back in for the drive to Hollywood. Now that the excitement had passed, all Miss Piggy could do was shower Kermit with praise.
“Kermit!” she said. “You were so courageous! So magnificent!”
A road trip was hardly the place for harmless flirting, but it sure felt good to be so complimented by such a beautiful woman, even if she was a pig. “Gee. I- I don’t know what to say.”
“Say the bear was magnificent,” Fozzie suggested. “After all, I did the driving.”
“And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!” Gonzo volunteered.
But Miss Piggy was not impressed. “Yes, but- Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility-“ she turned her affectionate eyes on him- “Of command!”
He had? He looked at her. “Gee…” He had. And her eyes were gorgeous.
“Oh, brother,” Fozzie sighed. He kept his eyes away from that side of the car.
Aware of the rest of the car, Miss Piggy reluctantly broke her gaze with Kermit. “Um…” she looked around. “Why don’t we stop somewhere for the night, and have a quiet little dinner?” Her eyes landed on Kermit. “For two.”
But before he could fall into the trance of her mesmerizing eyes-
“Terrific!” Gonzo somehow nosed between them. “I’ll eat with you, Miss Piggy.”
“NOT YOU, BUZZARD BEAK!”
Kermit made two quick notes to himself- one, she had a sharp tongue, and two, she was no pushover.
But when she turned to him, she was gentle once more. “Just… Mon Capitan, and… moi.” She settled back into her seat and looked straight forward, her chin set with satisfied determination.
He swallowed his breath. Flippers on the ground, Kermit, flippers on the ground! “Well,” he managed to say, “That uh… that uh… That might be nice.” And he sat back as well. Perhaps he would get his harmless flirting, after all.
“You look lovely, Miss Piggy,” Kermit said when they were seated. Their table was on the patio, right in front of the piano, but tucked into the corner enough that they could imagine some privacy.
“Thank you,” she said graciously. “Vous look rather handsome yourself.”
“Aw, thanks,” he said, squirming a little under the praise. “So um, you said earlier that you’re an actress.”
“Mm-hm,” she said. “And, if moi may say so, I’m almost about to become a star.” She carefully flaunted every good aspect of herself with her body gestures. She had quite a lot of good aspects to flaunt.
But his gaze was fastened to her beautiful blue eyes. “Oh really?” he said. “Now why do you say that?”
She smiled. “Because it’s true,” she said simply. “Have you heard of the Planet of the Pigs series?”
“Of course.”
“Well, moi first appeared in the fourth movie of that,” she said. “But the director told moi-“ she glanced around, and they both leaned in conspiratorially. “He said,” she whispered, “That if moi had been in all the films, they would have each sold at least twice as many tickets.”
“Wow,” Kermit said. “Just from you, huh?”
“Mm-hm,” she said, proudly straightening up.
“How does he know?” he asked.
“Oh it’s simple, really,” she said. “The fourth film sold twice as many tickets as the third, and the only difference was moi. Even the script was the same.”
Kermit nodded. “I seem to recall that,” he said. “Hey, what was the fourth one called? Wasn’t it- Return to Beneath the Planet of the Pigs?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Oh, we did a review of that one!” Kermit said. “For part of a pilot.”
She gasped. “Really? What an unbelievable coincidence!”
“Yeah!” He smiled at her. “So you already know your way around Hollywood, huh?”
“Mm-hm,” she said.
“So maybe when we get there, you could show me the ropes a little, hm?”
“Maybe.” She leaned in close and whispered to where she guessed his ear was. “Maybe I’ll show you a little more than just ropes.”
He caught a whiff of her perfume and gulped.
The waiter came and served them wine and vanished again.
Miss Piggy lifted her glass. “Well,” she said. “Here’s to Hollywood?”
Kermit smiled. “No,” he said, lifting his glass. “Here’s to you, Miss Piggy.” He clinked his glass with hers and took a sip. She took a long sip, and downed half the glass.
As he watched her drink, he realized that, somehow, at some point, a line had been crossed.
This was no longer just harmless flirting.
She set her glass down carefully. “Makes me- giggly,” she said.
He realized he was staring at her. “The wine?” he asked shakily.
She met his gaze. “Everything,” she breathed.
Some nagging voice in the corner of his mind told him to fight it, though he wasn’t sure why. He tore his eyes from her. “It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it?” he said. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
“Mm-hm,” she said quietly. They leaned closer to each other.
“The moon is just… lovely.” They were even closer, and he could smell her perfume.
“Mm-hm.” And they were a little closer.
He caught a little bit of breath. “You know, Miss Piggy…” He shook his head slightly. “The moon doesn’t look like you.” And they were even closer.
She whimpered. He could smell past her perfume now, to another scent that he realized belonged to her skin itself. His heart was racing, and-
“KERMIT! Kermit-the-Frog!” a voice called.
Kermit glanced. “Oh no.” He shifted his back towards the voice. “Pretend you don’t see him,” he instructed.
She shifted her back to the voice as well. “Who is he?”
“Doc Hopper,” he said. “He wants me to advertise for his frog leg restaurants.”
“Yich!”
“Kermit-the-Frog!” A hand slapped onto Kermit’s shoulder. “You’re coming with me, my little froggy friend,” Doc Hopper said.
“No he isn’t,” miss Piggy said as she stood up.
Doc Hopper gave her an amused smile. “What makes you so sure?”
She smiled sweetly. “This,” she said. “HI-YA!”
Doc Hopper was suddenly on the floor across the patio, struggling to remain conscious. Kermit’s jaw dropped.
Miss Piggy sat back down as close to him as she could. “Now then,” she said as she slipped her hand into his. “Where were we?”
Kermit looked back and forth between her and Hopper. “That was amazing!” he said.
She smiled. “Thank you.” She pulled him closer. “How amazing?”
His hand slipped to her elbow, and he almost answered her with a kiss, but-
“PHONE CALL FOR MISS PIGGY!” the waiter called out.
They froze with their lips less than an inch apart. He frowned, and she turned and kissed his cheek before gingerly removing herself from him. “I- I did place one phone call to my agent, Kermie,” she said apologetically. “It’ll only be an eensy-teensy moment…” With that, she stood up and walked away.
After Miss Piggy was dismissed from the stage, she coincidently ran into Kermit the Frog and his friends. Of course, he knew as well as she did that coincidence had nothing to do with it. But for the sake of courtesy and their own amusement, they both pretended to be oblivious to that knowledge.
“Congratulations on winning the beauty contest,” he said. A little harmless flirting won’t hurt, he thought.
“Oh, thank you!” she gushed. “Of course, normally I don’t do anything so- trivial. I am an actress/model.”
“Oh is that right?” Kermit said. “Well, I’m something of a performer, too.”
She responded well to that. He made a mental note to himself that a lot of girls seemed to respond well to that.
“Hey Kermit, who’s the cute lookin’ pig?” Gonzo interrupted.
She did not respond well to that.
“I beg your pardon?” Miss Piggy almost snarled as she slowly turned to Gonzo with gritted teeth.
“If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable!” he teased.
“Gonzo,” Kermit whined, half-wondering if the weirdo had ever used a similar line on Camilla.
“Hey I thought we were gonna get some ice cream,” Fozzie said.
“Oh uh, in a minute, I’ll join you,” Kermit said. He watched them walk away, then turned to Miss Piggy and tried to think of a way to restart the conversation without being awkward.
She did it for him. “So. What are you doing in town, short, green, and handsome?” she giggled.
“Oh we’re heading west,” he said.
She shifted her weight as enticingly as she could, which was very enticingly indeed. “Really?”
Keep your flippers on the ground, Kermit, he reminded himself. There IS something called reality. “I really should go with my friends for ice cream,” he said.
She immediately switched from enticing to heart broken.
“You want to come along?” he offered.
He had never seen as much excitement in one person’s eyes as he instantly saw in hers. “ME? You- you really mean it? Oh! Um- I’ll be right back! Um- don’t move!” And she hurried away.
It wasn’t quite the reaction he had expected. In fact, it was unimaginably distant from the reaction he had expected. He stood where he was, thoroughly baffled.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Finally spotting Kermit, Fozzie hurried over to him with an ice cream cone in each hand. “Kermit? Kermit?” Kermit turned. Which ice cream cone was his again? Oh yeah- Kermit’s was in his right hand, because Kermit was always right, and his was in his left hand, because, well, it was the only hand left. He handed the right-hand cone to Kermit. “Where’s your pig friend?”
Kermit sounded vaguely disappointed. “Well I’m not really sure. She said she was coming for ice cream, but uh-“
“Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Here I am! Here I am!” Miss Piggy was back. The cape was gone and she had changed into a blue dress, her crown replaced with a hat, and her hair tied into pigtails. Fozzie wondered if a pig in pigtails could make a good joke. “I’m packed! I’m packed!” she declared. Sure enough, she was holding a suitcase.
“Yeah, I see that,” Kermit said politely. “What for?”
She was suddenly crest-fallen. “You said I could come with you…”
Fozzie backed up. Had Kermit said that?
His friend looked alarmed, too. “To buy ice cream, not to Hollywood!”
She practically jumped with excitement. “We’re going to- Hollywood?”
Fozzie kept his mouth shut and let Kermit find a way out of it.
“No. I mean, listen… When I, when I said… I mean, well, when you heard… Oh brother…”
Then Fozzie was distracted. Was that Gonzo’s voice? He looked and saw a huge bunch of balloons floating into the air, with a very happy Gonzo in tow. Fozzie felt his jaw drop, and he instinctively tapped Kermit’s shoulder.
“GONZO!” Kermit shouted, noticing. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“ABOUT SEVEN KNOTS!” the weirdo answered. The wind was blowing him away.
“WE’LL FOLLOW YOU! To the car,” Kermit ordered.
“Yes sir.”
And Miss Piggy came with.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Somehow, they had managed to get Gonzo into the car, and they settled back in for the drive to Hollywood. Now that the excitement had passed, all Miss Piggy could do was shower Kermit with praise.
“Kermit!” she said. “You were so courageous! So magnificent!”
A road trip was hardly the place for harmless flirting, but it sure felt good to be so complimented by such a beautiful woman, even if she was a pig. “Gee. I- I don’t know what to say.”
“Say the bear was magnificent,” Fozzie suggested. “After all, I did the driving.”
“And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!” Gonzo volunteered.
But Miss Piggy was not impressed. “Yes, but- Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility-“ she turned her affectionate eyes on him- “Of command!”
He had? He looked at her. “Gee…” He had. And her eyes were gorgeous.
“Oh, brother,” Fozzie sighed. He kept his eyes away from that side of the car.
Aware of the rest of the car, Miss Piggy reluctantly broke her gaze with Kermit. “Um…” she looked around. “Why don’t we stop somewhere for the night, and have a quiet little dinner?” Her eyes landed on Kermit. “For two.”
But before he could fall into the trance of her mesmerizing eyes-
“Terrific!” Gonzo somehow nosed between them. “I’ll eat with you, Miss Piggy.”
“NOT YOU, BUZZARD BEAK!”
Kermit made two quick notes to himself- one, she had a sharp tongue, and two, she was no pushover.
But when she turned to him, she was gentle once more. “Just… Mon Capitan, and… moi.” She settled back into her seat and looked straight forward, her chin set with satisfied determination.
He swallowed his breath. Flippers on the ground, Kermit, flippers on the ground! “Well,” he managed to say, “That uh… that uh… That might be nice.” And he sat back as well. Perhaps he would get his harmless flirting, after all.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“You look lovely, Miss Piggy,” Kermit said when they were seated. Their table was on the patio, right in front of the piano, but tucked into the corner enough that they could imagine some privacy.
“Thank you,” she said graciously. “Vous look rather handsome yourself.”
“Aw, thanks,” he said, squirming a little under the praise. “So um, you said earlier that you’re an actress.”
“Mm-hm,” she said. “And, if moi may say so, I’m almost about to become a star.” She carefully flaunted every good aspect of herself with her body gestures. She had quite a lot of good aspects to flaunt.
But his gaze was fastened to her beautiful blue eyes. “Oh really?” he said. “Now why do you say that?”
She smiled. “Because it’s true,” she said simply. “Have you heard of the Planet of the Pigs series?”
“Of course.”
“Well, moi first appeared in the fourth movie of that,” she said. “But the director told moi-“ she glanced around, and they both leaned in conspiratorially. “He said,” she whispered, “That if moi had been in all the films, they would have each sold at least twice as many tickets.”
“Wow,” Kermit said. “Just from you, huh?”
“Mm-hm,” she said, proudly straightening up.
“How does he know?” he asked.
“Oh it’s simple, really,” she said. “The fourth film sold twice as many tickets as the third, and the only difference was moi. Even the script was the same.”
Kermit nodded. “I seem to recall that,” he said. “Hey, what was the fourth one called? Wasn’t it- Return to Beneath the Planet of the Pigs?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Oh, we did a review of that one!” Kermit said. “For part of a pilot.”
She gasped. “Really? What an unbelievable coincidence!”
“Yeah!” He smiled at her. “So you already know your way around Hollywood, huh?”
“Mm-hm,” she said.
“So maybe when we get there, you could show me the ropes a little, hm?”
“Maybe.” She leaned in close and whispered to where she guessed his ear was. “Maybe I’ll show you a little more than just ropes.”
He caught a whiff of her perfume and gulped.
The waiter came and served them wine and vanished again.
Miss Piggy lifted her glass. “Well,” she said. “Here’s to Hollywood?”
Kermit smiled. “No,” he said, lifting his glass. “Here’s to you, Miss Piggy.” He clinked his glass with hers and took a sip. She took a long sip, and downed half the glass.
As he watched her drink, he realized that, somehow, at some point, a line had been crossed.
This was no longer just harmless flirting.
She set her glass down carefully. “Makes me- giggly,” she said.
He realized he was staring at her. “The wine?” he asked shakily.
She met his gaze. “Everything,” she breathed.
Some nagging voice in the corner of his mind told him to fight it, though he wasn’t sure why. He tore his eyes from her. “It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it?” he said. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
“Mm-hm,” she said quietly. They leaned closer to each other.
“The moon is just… lovely.” They were even closer, and he could smell her perfume.
“Mm-hm.” And they were a little closer.
He caught a little bit of breath. “You know, Miss Piggy…” He shook his head slightly. “The moon doesn’t look like you.” And they were even closer.
She whimpered. He could smell past her perfume now, to another scent that he realized belonged to her skin itself. His heart was racing, and-
“KERMIT! Kermit-the-Frog!” a voice called.
Kermit glanced. “Oh no.” He shifted his back towards the voice. “Pretend you don’t see him,” he instructed.
She shifted her back to the voice as well. “Who is he?”
“Doc Hopper,” he said. “He wants me to advertise for his frog leg restaurants.”
“Yich!”
“Kermit-the-Frog!” A hand slapped onto Kermit’s shoulder. “You’re coming with me, my little froggy friend,” Doc Hopper said.
“No he isn’t,” miss Piggy said as she stood up.
Doc Hopper gave her an amused smile. “What makes you so sure?”
She smiled sweetly. “This,” she said. “HI-YA!”
Doc Hopper was suddenly on the floor across the patio, struggling to remain conscious. Kermit’s jaw dropped.
Miss Piggy sat back down as close to him as she could. “Now then,” she said as she slipped her hand into his. “Where were we?”
Kermit looked back and forth between her and Hopper. “That was amazing!” he said.
She smiled. “Thank you.” She pulled him closer. “How amazing?”
His hand slipped to her elbow, and he almost answered her with a kiss, but-
“PHONE CALL FOR MISS PIGGY!” the waiter called out.
They froze with their lips less than an inch apart. He frowned, and she turned and kissed his cheek before gingerly removing herself from him. “I- I did place one phone call to my agent, Kermie,” she said apologetically. “It’ll only be an eensy-teensy moment…” With that, she stood up and walked away.
.
