Bobby knocked on the front door as Piggy stood next to him, bored. “Samson!” Bobby yelled. He turned to Piggy. “Why isn’t he answering the door?”
“Maybe he left you and went to McDonald’s,” Piggy replied with a smirk.
Bobby smirked without missing a beat. “So, find anything at Pork Store Café recently?”
Piggy laughed. “Have you tried, oh, I dunno, calling your little beef stew pot?”
Bobby looked surprised. “Oh, yeah!” He dug out his cell phone from a pants pocket and dialed his partner. “Hello, Samson? Where the heck are you?” His jaw slackened and his eyes bulged. “You’re … you’re where? With Lena?”
“I detect awkwardness,” Piggy teased.
“Shut up, pig. Oh! Not you, Samson! Just some little girl who still seems upset she missed out on the football tryouts … as the football.”
“Now you’re just desperate,” Piggy replied, bemused.
“What do you mean ‘you’re with a girl’, Samson?” Bobby screeched, ignoring Piggy as they both stood at the front door of Bobby and Samson’s house. “You’re with Le-na. What am I supposed to think about that, huh? No, of course I’m not having a relationship with her. She’d give me warts!”
“What?” Piggy growled, clenching her fists.
Bobby suddenly chuckled. “So, Lena tricked you into going to New York, huh? That’s my girl. It’s about time you did something more than moan around the house.” He ignored Piggy glaring at him, listening intently to Samson talk. “It’s bad, huh?” Bobby added in a much more subdued tone. “Poor girl. We have to get after Foster for that, Samson. She doesn’t deserve to just be treated like Arturo.”
“How many boyfriends do you have?” Piggy wondered, still simmering.
Bobby put a hand over the receiver and hissed at her, “Do you sleep around with your chauffeurs?” He continued talking to Samson on the phone. “I can’t make it, Samson. I’ve got some business to take care over here.” He started tapping his foot and rolling his eyes. “Yes, Samson. I am also capable of generating ideas, you know?” he continued, starting to sound offended. “Here’s a thought: I’ll do things my way, and you do things your way.” He shook his head. “Good-bye, Samson.” Click. He turned to Piggy. "They’re in Manhattan with Jenny and Foster."
Piggy nodded and smiled. “You see? You were so worried – everything is coming together, isn’t it?”
Bobby stared at her. “Did you know Jenny was depressed?”
Piggy stared at him blankly. “Why would she be depressed? She’s rolling in it.”
Bobby sighed and looked at the flowerbed to his left. “Apparently, putting Foster with her reminded her of not having a family.”
Piggy looked down at the ground shamefully. “Why did you make him move in with her, then?”
“Because she’s his biological mother,” Bobby replied softly.
Piggy snapped to attention. “But … that would make Ronnie ….”
Bobby glanced at her. “Dead, Piggy. We’re his fathers now.”
Piggy leaned against the front door in utter disbelief. “What would make her give away a baby to you clowns?”
Bobby bit his lip and glared at her. “You know us pigs, Piggy: we’re always there to pick up someone else’s scraps.” He put a hand on his hip and pointed at her with the other. “You know what your problem is? You’re not willing to stand up for anyone except yourself! That’s the likeliest explanation for why your frog dumped you.”
Piggy growled at him. “You’re skating on thin ice, Vegan.”
Bobby smirked triumphantly. “When’s the last time you did something nice for someone, huh?”
“I’m not getting involved with this marriage thing, Vegan!” retorted Piggy in exasperation. “This has nothing to do with me!”
“So, it’s all about you then, isn’t it? Isn’t that always the way?” He shook his head. “No wonder I don’t sleep with women.”
“I never said it was all about me.”
“Then why can’t you help?” Bobby replied, irritated. “If this doesn’t affect you one little bit – why not go for it? I can’t help remember that one show you did where little Robin went missing and everyone ended up being there for him – except you. Who came onscreen after Kermit? The bear. Who was also by his side? That mouse chick. Robin was the most important part of Kermit’s family … and you were, what, Piggy? Applying lipstick?”
Piggy bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes. She wanted to smack him. For several moments, she trembled, having felt this horrible only since Bobby came to her for help at the theater last year.
But, Kermit would tell her that she should hang onto the truth, shouldn’t she?
“I … I … well, how do you think Kermie knew where to find him?” Piggy whimpered at last. “Who do you think told him, hm? Little short stuff would have just disappeared without the ever-watchful eye of moi.” She sighed sadly. “I don’t stand up for things, Bobby. I kept my mouth shut when mother kicked you out of the house.” She stared up into his eyes. “But … I never forgot, Bobby. I never forgot who introduced moi to the concept of being a star. I have an image to maintain … but I have to do things my way. You’re not the only passive-aggressive pig around, you know. Do you know how many secrets and threats and backstabbing I had to deal with to get that priest in the church scene? I made the mistake of letting my frog find out the first time I tried it. I vowed then and there never to let that happen again. The first time I had Scooter helping me. The next time, I did it all on my own. It was only when I stopped relying on others that I actually got my way. I will never help you, Bobby Vegan,” she continued. She put a hand on his and looked at him pleadingly. “However, your problems will most likely fix themselves, if you know what I mean, get it?”
<><><><><><>
Foster sipped some tea down in the cafeteria. Grover had left to go back to work, but had volunteered to pay for Foster’s lunch before he returned to Bitterman Bank. He mulled over what Kermit had said.
“Hey, are you the guest star tonight?” asked a grainy male voice. A bluish-purple … thing … with a long hooked rounded nose sat down alongside a rather large chicken with blue eyeshadow. The … thing … smiled and offered his hand. “You on one of those teen drama shows or something?”
Foster smiled and shook his head, shaking the … thing’s … hand. “No, I just came here to talk to Kermit the Frog.” Kermit the Frog? Like this guy wouldn’t know who that is? How many Kermits were walking around this theater? Idiot. “Uh … anyway, um --.”
“Gonzo,” the … thing … replied. He pointed to the chicken. “And this is my girlfriend, Camilla.”
Foster stared at them for a moment and smirked. “Foster. Pleasure to meet you.”
“Oh, the pleasure’s all ours.”
“Squawk!”
“Can I ask you a question?” Foster asked in almost a whisper.
Gonzo glanced at Camilla before looking at Foster. “Sure. Uh, if it’ll save some time, Kermit and Piggy aren’t married … and that thing with Big Bird and me was just for laughs.”
“Squawk,” replied the chicken forcefully.
Foster smiled. “No, that’s not … well, here’s the thing: did you hear about what happened in California?”
Gonzo nodded sadly. “Yeah. Nothing ruins a good strong wildfire like a freak storm.” He looked at Foster and smiled sympathetically. “They should have poured some gasoline on the ground to keep it going.”
“Um,” Foster said uncomfortably, “that’s not exactly where I was going with that conversation. I was talking about the banning of gay marriage.”
Gonzo looked confused. He glanced back at Camilla and then back at Foster. “Why?”
“They said it was immoral.”
Gonzo scoffed while Camilla shook her head. “Imagine that. I wonder what those sun-baked morons would think about an alien whatever and a chicken?”
Camilla squawked and clucked sadly, barely pecking at her corn soup.
“You’re really in love with Camilla?”
“Of course!” Gonzo announced happily. “I mean … look at her … she’s a goddess of fine feathered femininity!”
Camilla blushed and looked away.
“If someone took away my chickie-poo, I don’t know what I’d do,” Gonzo continued.
Foster leaned toward Gonzo. “My parents’ marriage was invalidated,” he told Gonzo. “Kermit said I should be ‘better’ than them, and I guess I know what he’s saying, but I don’t see how it’ll help.”
Gonzo nodded. “Yeah, Kermit’s like that sometimes. He likes to leave it up to the one with the problem to come up with the details of the solution. The best part about him, though, is that he usually goes along with what you suggest, no matter how weird.”
“Well, what would you do?”
Gonzo shrugged. “Gee, I dunno. I guess … I guess we’d just stay married, no matter what other people said.”
Camilla perked up and leaned against him. “Squaawk?” she asked hopefully.
Gonzo glanced at his feathered girlfriend. “Camilla, I said I was thinking about it. I just don’t want what happened to Kermit and Piggy to happen to us, that’s all.”
Foster looked confused. “What did happen?”
Gonzo shrugged. “Ah … he got mad at her for tricking her. They get like that sometimes. He had their license invalidated and annulled.” He paused. “But despite all appearances, they really do still love to make each other annoyed.”
Foster could feel his blood pressure rising. “Why would Kermit do such a thing?” he strained to keep from yelling.
Gonzo sensed the boy’s anger. “He feels a relationship should be built on honesty and integrity,” he replied. “Foster, whenever the pig decides to do things the right way, Kermit will be right there at her side, like he always is. We’ve all complained that he doesn’t deserve such a selfish, arrogant, passive-aggressive witch like her.” He shrugged and sipped some juice. “But he shoots us down every time we mention it. I … I know what he sees in her. I also gave up waiting to see the bud blossom.”
“But what’s the use if everyone’s going to tell you you’re wrong?”
“Squawk, squawk, cluck cluck-cluck squawk,” replied Camilla.
“Oh, Camilla says, and I fully agree with her, that no one can take what’s in your heart. All the legal stuff is nice, but if you found that special someone, even if they strapped you to a rotating fireball in an electrical storm, that someone will still be special to you, no matter what.”
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