Flight of the Golden Albatross: A Muppet Mystery

[redBoobergurl]

Erin, this looks great! I love a good mystery, I can't wait to read more!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Ah, Ed, you picked up on the albatross symbolism too? Good one - and I've also read "Rime of the Ancient Mariner."

All right, everyone, thanks for being so patient. Here is chapter two.

"Flight of the Golden Albatross...think it'll fly, Waldorf?"
"I don't know, Statler, sounds like a real turkey to me."

***

Chapter Two: One Fine Day in Algae-On-Pond

From the case files of Kermit T. Frog, P.I., P.D., W.T.H. (What the Hey), Licensed to Croak

It was a nice sunny afternoon, not too warm and not too cold with a slight hint of sea breezes coming in from the west. “It’s sure going to be sad to go home," I remarked as I headed up Diatom Street, the main shops-and-cafes street of Algae-On-Pond.

Algae-On-Pond was the little resort town on the Asthmatic Sea that I loved spending a few weeks in each spring, every year for the last…well, the last several years, anyway.

I yearned to stay on a little longer…but cases were waiting for me back home in Hensonville. There was a missing stamp collection to look into, some curious incidents of exploding gum wrappers, a stolen case of rubber chickens, some guy named Wilson claimed he had vital information on the Dukes’ accounting scam…and on top of that, the notorious thief Percy the Pincher was still on the run.

Besides, no sense wasting a ticket for that night’s sailing of the S.S. Maldemer. But the boat didn’t leave for several hours, so I had some time to kill…or at least seriously maim.

I walked across the street and headed for my favorite cafe, Les Mille Mouches.

The place was mostly empty, save for some guys in overcoats having coffee, a few Muppets huddled over drinks and sandwiches, some purple hook-beaked whatever in a blue sequined suit, a blue-eyed chicken pecking at a dish of grain, and a red-haired, orange-skinned, khaki-suited female Muppet deeply engrossed in the latest issue of Archaeology Whenever.

I sat down at my usual table and ordered a glass of lily flower juice and a plate of roasted fruit flies.

I heard a creaky-sounding voice. “Kermit? Kermit the Frog?"

A portly-looking old turtle in a plum wool suit, a striped waistcoat and a monocle stood over me. He was carrying a heavy-looking briefcase.

“Mr. Slowly?" I asked. “Good to see you again!"

T.R. Slowly had been a client some time ago; I’d helped straighten out some business scandal regarding his associate, H.R. Quickly, a hare. Something to do with a faulty shipment of running shoes.

Mr. Slowly creaked down to the table and ordered a plate of meal worms and weed juice.

“Is everything well with you these days, Kermit?" he asked.

“Just fine; I’ve just got a lot of work to do. How about you?"

Mr. Slowly paused. “Fine enough, but there is a matter of some concern to me, dear Kermit.” Mr. Slowly folded and unfolded his hands over his coat. “You are familiar with the Golden Albatross, are you not?"

“Uh…no. What is that, some kind of bird?"

“You could say so…the Albatross is a fabulous necklace of gold and jewels, with the great golden bird dangling from it.”

“Sounds like a real strain on someone’s neck.” I remarked.

Mr. Slowly took a sip of juice. “Until recently, the Albatross has been on display at my estate of Chateau Briand. I am sending the Albatross east to Greater Burden, on loan to the Museum of Really Valuable Ancient Junk.”

“Are you mailing it or something?"

“No, no, too dangerous. I’m sending it in the care of my aide, Link Hogthrob.”

Link himself walked in at that moment, looking dumbly smug.

“Ah, there you are, Link.” Mr. Slowly reached down into his briefcase and pulled out a large, flat green lacquered box with a gold padlock on it. He opened the lock and the box, showing off the Albatross. It was indeed large, jeweled and golden…not to mention heavy. “You know what to do, Link.” He locked the box and handed it, and the key, off to Link.

“I will safely carry this albatross to the museum.” Link said primly. Turning to go, he suddenly dropped the Albatross’s box onto his foot. “Ouch! Oooh! Mr. Slowly, this box gave me a boo-boo!"

Mr. Slowly stood up as Link hurried away with the box. “I hope to see you again, Kermit.” With that, he went out the same way he came in, with lots of creaking.

I paused to consider the extreme lack of logic in unveiling a priceless artifact in a public place like Les Mille Mouches, especially if Mr. Slowly was concerned about said artifact getting stolen, and entrusting it to someone like Link Hogthrob, no less.

But on the other hand, if Mr. Slowly were a little smarter about the Albatross’s safety, it’d be an awfully short story. I finished my flies and juice, dropped a few coins on the table and went back to my hotel to pack.

***

Okay, for those of you who don't speak French:

Les Mille Mouches: The Thousand Flies (just the sort of cafe where a frog would want to go)
S.S. Maldemer: from mal de mer, French for seasickness

More to follow eventually. Stay tuned...

 

[The Count]

*Laughs at the little in-jokes... Especially that guy named Wilson. Liked it and all the insight in the narration. Post more when you can. And if you could, as there's some RHLC connection, poke that girl named Kim to post of hers as well.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Very nice! Like the use of the Tortose from the Tortose and the Hare. And nice names for the cafe and the boat! Keep it coming!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

***

Chapter Three: On the Docks

From a diary stored among maps of Egypt, India, China and the Amazon, all belonging to Skeeter R. Hunt, archaeologist and explorer

The bell over the door tinkled as Mr. Slowly and Link lumbered out of the café. I folded up my copy of Archaeology Whenever and slid it into my bag.

I let out a sigh. Mr. Slowly never learned, did he? Almost everything he sent off in Link’s care, from what I’d heard, got lost, stolen, damaged or covered in food grease.

Add to that the fact that most jewel-stealing gangs would have given their right arms (or more likely, someone else’s) for the Albatross, and that bejeweled bird’s goose was cooked.

“Finish your grain, Camilla, we need to see if we can get those new squibs for the exploding casserole dishes!” The Great Gonzo (for that was his name) said on his stool at the counter.

“Brawk-buck-brawk,” Camilla clucked impatiently with a wave of her wing.

I glanced at my watch. The S.S. Maldemer was set to sail tonight at nine o’clock.

I was supposed to meet my little brother down at the harbor. While I went into archaeology, you see, my brother became a globe-trotting reporter for the Hensonville Observer.

Several hours later, I got out of the cab at the docks, paid the cabbie and went through the dock gates.

The Maldemer, a four-deck ship that was somewhere between a ferryboat and a steamer, was moored at the passenger terminal, ready to sail for the port city of Mis-En-Scene. It bobbed slowly up and down on the tide, and the porthole lights cast a glow on the clumps of dead seaweed in the water.

I spotted three passengers with their luggage by the ship. One was a stout lady pig in an expensive-looking black dress and beret, standing among a stack of pink suitcases and boxes. The second was a younger, blue-skinned, purple-haired female Muppet sitting on a dark brown suitcase, scribbling in a journal.

The third, sitting on his suitcase and playing a harmonica, was Scooter.

Scooter looked up. “Skeeter! Hey, Skeeter, over here!” he waved.

I headed over. “Hi, Scooter, how was your day?”

“Not completely lost,” he said, slipping his harmonica into his jacket pocket. “I did learn a few things about those guys who were smuggling exploding gum wrappers, and stuff like that.”

The pig was saying to the blue Muppet, “But Nora, dear, you simply must read it…I mean…Mr. Blotts is a wonderful writer, and…”

“I know, Miss Piggy, but I’ve stacked too many of his books on the shelves back at the shop,” Nora smiled ruefully.

Down the docks, a light blue eagle was chatting with some other passengers. The eagle wore a dark suit and a bowler hat; all of the other passengers wore hats and overcoats, and all but one wore glazed-over looks on their faces.

“Mr. Morton, it is good to see you feel the same way on the current state of American politics. It will be a pleasure to make the journey with you,” the eagle said primly to the one non-dazed person.

“Who’s the eagle?” I asked.

“Him? Oh, that’s Sam the Eagle. He’s an attaché," Nora said.

“Bless you.” Miss Piggy said.

“He works on Embassy Row in Greater Burden,” Nora continued.

“Really? What does he do?” I asked.

Scooter shrugged. “Make noise on politics and morals and how it’s the end of civilization, I guess.”

“All passengers for the nine o’clock sailing!” the harbormaster called. The gangway started to creak down to the dock just as Gonzo and Camilla emerged from a touring car, lugging all sorts of oddly-shaped luggage and what looked like a small cannon behind them.

A taxi pulled up right behind the touring car moments later. Kermit emerged, paid the fare and came over with his ticket and suitcase.

Miss Piggy suddenly looked much more alert. “But…but aren’t you Kermit the Frog, the great detective?”

“Yes I am…nice to meet you, miss.” Kermit sat down on his suitcase.

“Oh…how I loved your great unraveling of the sweater factory mystery! And the recovery of the great Beyond Hope Diamond…and…”

“Ooh, sounds like the pig’s got a crush,” Gonzo grinned. “Or at least that’s what the frog will get if she hugs him.”

“Watch it, buzzard beak,” Miss Piggy snapped.

“All passengers for the nine o’clock sailing!” the harbormaster called again.

We joined the group of passengers shuffling up the gangway and bumping each other with their luggage. Down below, another car, this one with Mr. Slowly’s insignia on it, pulled up in the taxi queue. Link emerged, bearing his suitcase, ticket and the Albatross’s box.

Scooter stared at the box as Link came aboard. “You know,” Scooter whispered, “I’ve been hearing rumors that…”

“Well, they’re true.” I nodded as we went looking for our cabins on B Deck.

In the corridor, I heard a steward say, “Hey, that box looks valuable. Better put it in the safe in your room.”

“What a brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that before?” Link asked.

“Good question,” I thought silently.

The whistle blew, and the Maldemer started to pull, coughing and groaning, away from the docks for its overnight voyage to Mis-En-Scene.

***

 

[The Count]

Very good. Like to hear Skeeter narrating for a change. And is that a Potterism I spy attachéed to Nora's line of work?
And yes, gesunheidt. Why do I feel that'll become a new running gag here?

At any rate... You know the drill... Post when you can.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

"What's the matter, Statler?"
"I feel really sick..."
"What is it, the ship?"
"No, it's this story!"

And now, it starts to get a little interesting. Over to you, Scooter.

***

Chapter Four: This Bird Has Flown

On a scribbled-on page in the notebook of Scooter R. Hunt, reporter, international desk, Hensonville Observer

The Maldemer started churning away across the Asthmatic, the engines making a steady chugging and grinding motion.

We all spent a while in the lounge on the boat deck, just chatting and having coffee. Eventually, Link stood up and announced that he was feeling seasick, and went off to his cabin. One by one, the rest of us started to do the same. Without saying we were seasick, that is.

In a mystery, when people leave the room one at a time, that’s usually a sign that something bad’s going to happen.

In my cabin, I stretched out on the berth and started to go through some of my notes.

“Exploding gum wrappers continue popping up…a case of rubber chickens, rumored to have disappeared from Hensonville, turns up in Algae-On-Pond…”

I heard a huge crash across the corridor, soon followed by the annoyed squawking of a chicken.

“Okay, Camilla, I promise, we won't use the battery-powered tap shoes in the show…” Gonzo sighed.

I yawned and continued reading my notes. “A priceless opal and amethyst necklace disappears from Arme and Legg, jewelry dealers in Waterborne…police believe the theft is the work of Percy the Pincher…”

I was exhausted. I closed my notebook, put it away in my suitcase, turned off the light and crawled under the blankets. I’d read more about what Percy the Pincher had done in the morning.

Silence started to fall all over the ship. I closed my eyes and let the Maldemer’s swaying lull me off to dreamland.

“Nooooo!” A familiar voice howled.

My eyes snapped open and I sat up. I heard the sounds of running feet outside.

It seemed as if I had been asleep for a few moments, but my watch said it was early in the morning. And the ship wasn’t moving, so we were either stopped or at port.

I jumped out of bed, pulled on my coat and ran out into the hall, bumping into Skeeter, Nora, Gonzo and Camilla as I went.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I don’t know, do you?” Skeeter asked.

Nora looked out a porthole. “We've arrived at port, so we're not sinking.”

Gonzo frowned. “Guess we don’t need this.” He tossed the life preserver with “RMS Titanic” on it back in his cabin.

A crowd of passengers was gathered around the door to Link’s cabin.

“Excuse me, excuse me, coming through!” Kermit shouted.

Link sat on the edge of his berth, clearly freaked out by something. “L-look,” he stammered, while anxiously smoothing back his hair. “T-t-the Alb-b-ba-t-t-t-t”

“Spit it out already, hairspray head,” Miss Piggy snapped.

“Albatross!” Link pointed across the room.

The cabin’s safe stood with its door open. And the Golden Albatross, green lacquered case and all, was gone.

----

“Let’s see…oh, yes, this is definitely a robbery!” Officer Fozzie Bear said cheerfully, surveying the scene. He turned around. “Okay, which one of you stole the bird?”

We all gave him funny looks.

“You sure you don’t know? Oh, please, just a hint?” he begged.

“You call yourself a cop?” Link demanded.

“I called myself a cab last night to get home…aaaah, I’m so funneee!”

The stewards had done a quick search of the ship, and the Albatross was nowhere to be found.

To make matters worse, the gangway had been lowered before the Albatross was found missing, and several of the passengers had gotten up early and left. If one of them was the thief, he or she was long gone by now.

“Kermit, you are a good detective, aren’t you?” Link asked.

“Uh, yeah I am, but…”

“He’s right, you know,” Fozzie said. “You’ve got the trench coat and everything.”

“Please, I’m begging you…help get the Albatross back or my boss’ll kill me!” Link begged.

From what Skeeter had told me about T.R. Slowly, it didn’t seem that the old turtle (or tortoise or whatever he was) was capable of killing anyone, but, first time for everything, I guess.

Kermit sighed. “All right, Link. I’ll take the case.”

“Oh, thank you,” the blond pig said, smoothing his hair so violently that it slipped off. “Oops…my toupee…”

In the meantime we (me, Skeeter, Nora, Gonzo, Camilla and Miss Piggy) had been talking amongst ourselves.

“We’ll help, Kermit,” Skeeter said.

“Yeah, come on, you never know when a cop will need a traveling stuntman with a cannon,” Gonzo chimed in.

“It will be a great plaisir to help the great detective on his most noble search,” Miss Piggy said.

“Aw, you just wanna get close to the frog…” Fozzie teased.

“But…but you guys don’t have to – I mean, you’ve all got things to do,” Kermit protested.

“No we don’t,” I said. “The author made us clear our schedules for the next four days.”

“Scooter, don’t break the fourth wall.” Kermit scolded. He looked at all of us. “All right, you guys can help."

***

More to follow.

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

I folded up my copy of Archaeology Whenever and slid it into my bag.
That made me laugh! XD

This is so awesome!
Well, since I am studying around this as well...
so it's always nice to see archeologist peoples in a fanfic.

I like your style of writing.
It is simple, yet wonderful.
Not annoyingly detailed--it's perfect.
Straight to the point.

: )

Can't wait for more, Erin!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Wow, there was a fourth chapter. XD
How in the world did I not see that?

 

[JEANYLASER]

Awesome Mystery!