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Frogster
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Nobody is going to shed a tear for a bookcase full of obsolete pirates and forgotten wenches, but it is a sadder thing to watch the once universally beloved characters of your childhood—characters like, say, the Muppets—fading inexorably from the public imagination. It stings to realize that a lot of kids today have no idea who Kermit the Frog or Miss Piggy is, but it’s far more depressing to witness a witless attempt at generating some new buzz for the characters by pairing Miss Piggy with Jessica Simpson in those commercials for the most hideous-looking pizza I have ever seen. (Seriously, it looks like every slice is topped off by somebody’s gangrenous toe.) Jim Henson was never reluctant to use his characters in commercials, but he got his start creating a series of revolutionary ads in the ’50s and ’60s, and he understood that there is a real art to making a good commercial. The new Muppet ads aren’t just missing Henson in the literal sense, they’re missing his spirit. I hesitate to speak for a dead man, but I can’t imagine Henson would have approved of invoking Kermit’s signature song “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” with its subtle but unmistakable message of racial tolerance, to pitch a ****** car. The Muppets never really felt like puppets before, but man, they sure do now.
The Muppets, in general, are just awful now. Let's count up the things they've done that have simply been embarrassing in the last few years:
1. Muppet Treasure Island (with Fozzie's finger as a person, I knew, even as a young teen, there was something going down and unmistakably wrong with what they were doing)
2. Muppets Tonight (it was very hard for me to take the show seriously; the performances were weak, and it seems to me as if they were trying to be 'new age.' It was awful.)
3. Muppets From Space (Kermit should always be the focus of the movies they make. Fozzie's not in much till halfway thru the show. And Gonzo and Rizzo should NOT be the new Kermit and Fozzie.)
4. Kermit's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, etc. (Steve's Kermit, you ANNOY me to no end. You're overly cheery, a little squeaky, and act too much like a child. Please find someone new for this guy. It's Kermit the Frog, for goodness' sakes! We want a leader, not a whimp.)
5. Kermit's Swamp Years (Need I say more?!?!)
6. Commercials (I think the article I put above explains that pretty well, along with why I'm making this list in the first place.)
7. It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas (Okay, here's where the Muppets try to become TOO 'new-age' with the Rave scene, the inuendos by Pepe, and the fact that the Muppets, once again, stole someone else's idea to make another cheap film.)
8. The Muppets' Wizard Of Oz (Here, we see the final straw that broke the camel's back. It was humiliating to watch. Just sad. Jim would be very dissappointed in his siblings, as well as Steve, Dave, and the others. He would have never hired Eric; I think Frank would still help some if Jim was around. The Muppets are either trying too hard, or not at all, to make the Muppets work. They need to go back and keep things simple. Did they ever even read "It's Not Easy Bein' Green"? Simple is good.)
If you want to start making the Muppets good, here's a list you can go by:
1. Calm the characters down! Everyone on the Muppets is too jumpy, and try to be too crazy. I know it's an attempt to be funny, but it's not. If you guys have EVER watched some of the old episodes of The Muppet Show (I don't think Brian Henson has; he's screwed up a couple of those Time/Life interviews) you'll see that the Muppets are a lot like people. They can be calm and have serious conversations. Not everything has to lead up to a joke. I know times have changed, but the Muppets didn't have to.
2. Don't take certain movies and try making them your own! It's getting really old; heck, you guys have done Wizard of Oz on Muppet Babies, The Muppet Show, and on Muppets Go To The Movies. Jim was good at creating new ideas and new ground for the Muppets to cover. I know you guys aren't Jim, but he did leave you with something that was supposed to be taken seriously. Not just do whatever you please.
3. Core characters should stay as core characters! That means, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and Rowlf. I guess Rizzo can stay in the mix; it's kinda late to make him a background character anyways. But the Electric Mayhem should have more spots instead of Pepe, Clifford, and others. I'd much rather see Floyd talk than to have to put up with Johnny Fiama's ego. And when I mean put the cores back in, don't just put them back in and find performers who are as horrible as Eric Jacobson; get REAL performers. Get people who can do their personalities, not just their voices. If that means replacing a few puppeters, that'd be okay. I'd hate to see just anyone off the street get Fozzie Bear. If you ask me, in order to be a Muppeteer, you don't have to fill out an application; it seems as if you have to be in some inner circle. That should stop as well. If you do that, other people with real talents may never get to be seen.
I doubt anyone from the core Muppet group reads this, but if they do, don't just see it as an insult; see it as guidelines that you could use for improvement. So Brian, next time you have this urge to re-create some already-famous film and completely ruin it with your dads' creations, go back to this list. Because if you do, you'll think "Oh, right... people DON'T like that!" and you'll help us all out. Granted, kids under 10 may, but you have to think of your WHOLE audience. Sorry if this seems as if it's a little too strong for anyone to take, but I believe in what I'm saying. And the reason why I wrote this in the first place is because I miss the Muppets.
The Muppets, in general, are just awful now. Let's count up the things they've done that have simply been embarrassing in the last few years:
1. Muppet Treasure Island (with Fozzie's finger as a person, I knew, even as a young teen, there was something going down and unmistakably wrong with what they were doing)
2. Muppets Tonight (it was very hard for me to take the show seriously; the performances were weak, and it seems to me as if they were trying to be 'new age.' It was awful.)
3. Muppets From Space (Kermit should always be the focus of the movies they make. Fozzie's not in much till halfway thru the show. And Gonzo and Rizzo should NOT be the new Kermit and Fozzie.)
4. Kermit's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, etc. (Steve's Kermit, you ANNOY me to no end. You're overly cheery, a little squeaky, and act too much like a child. Please find someone new for this guy. It's Kermit the Frog, for goodness' sakes! We want a leader, not a whimp.)
5. Kermit's Swamp Years (Need I say more?!?!)
6. Commercials (I think the article I put above explains that pretty well, along with why I'm making this list in the first place.)
7. It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas (Okay, here's where the Muppets try to become TOO 'new-age' with the Rave scene, the inuendos by Pepe, and the fact that the Muppets, once again, stole someone else's idea to make another cheap film.)
8. The Muppets' Wizard Of Oz (Here, we see the final straw that broke the camel's back. It was humiliating to watch. Just sad. Jim would be very dissappointed in his siblings, as well as Steve, Dave, and the others. He would have never hired Eric; I think Frank would still help some if Jim was around. The Muppets are either trying too hard, or not at all, to make the Muppets work. They need to go back and keep things simple. Did they ever even read "It's Not Easy Bein' Green"? Simple is good.)
If you want to start making the Muppets good, here's a list you can go by:
1. Calm the characters down! Everyone on the Muppets is too jumpy, and try to be too crazy. I know it's an attempt to be funny, but it's not. If you guys have EVER watched some of the old episodes of The Muppet Show (I don't think Brian Henson has; he's screwed up a couple of those Time/Life interviews) you'll see that the Muppets are a lot like people. They can be calm and have serious conversations. Not everything has to lead up to a joke. I know times have changed, but the Muppets didn't have to.
2. Don't take certain movies and try making them your own! It's getting really old; heck, you guys have done Wizard of Oz on Muppet Babies, The Muppet Show, and on Muppets Go To The Movies. Jim was good at creating new ideas and new ground for the Muppets to cover. I know you guys aren't Jim, but he did leave you with something that was supposed to be taken seriously. Not just do whatever you please.
3. Core characters should stay as core characters! That means, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and Rowlf. I guess Rizzo can stay in the mix; it's kinda late to make him a background character anyways. But the Electric Mayhem should have more spots instead of Pepe, Clifford, and others. I'd much rather see Floyd talk than to have to put up with Johnny Fiama's ego. And when I mean put the cores back in, don't just put them back in and find performers who are as horrible as Eric Jacobson; get REAL performers. Get people who can do their personalities, not just their voices. If that means replacing a few puppeters, that'd be okay. I'd hate to see just anyone off the street get Fozzie Bear. If you ask me, in order to be a Muppeteer, you don't have to fill out an application; it seems as if you have to be in some inner circle. That should stop as well. If you do that, other people with real talents may never get to be seen.
I doubt anyone from the core Muppet group reads this, but if they do, don't just see it as an insult; see it as guidelines that you could use for improvement. So Brian, next time you have this urge to re-create some already-famous film and completely ruin it with your dads' creations, go back to this list. Because if you do, you'll think "Oh, right... people DON'T like that!" and you'll help us all out. Granted, kids under 10 may, but you have to think of your WHOLE audience. Sorry if this seems as if it's a little too strong for anyone to take, but I believe in what I'm saying. And the reason why I wrote this in the first place is because I miss the Muppets.
...I've always wondered where the muppets went to.
