MopFam Presents: Mr Harvey's Christmas Message

[Harvey Towers]

The Moppet Family Presents:

THE WILSON’ S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
Brought to you this year by Mr Harvey​

Hello. I am a generic representative of a faceless worldwide organisation selected to talk to you by the Management of Wilson’s because of my unthreatening appearance and uncontroversial views. But you can call me Mr Harvey.

I’m also the only member of staff contracted to work on Christmas Day. Even my assistant SuZan is away this year. Which is a shame because I haven’t got anyone to help me with this cracker. Usually we’d half it but I suppose I’ll just have to eat it all myself.

But that’s beside the point. I’ve been asked to deliver a non-denominationally specific message equally appropriate to you all while reminding you in a non-threatening way to remember to continue to buy your products from Wilson’s in the coming year.

You see, the Management is worried that while you are sitting at home watching this as you tuck into your Wilson’s Instant Microwavable Turkey Dinner – available in both individual and family packs – followed by your Wilson’s Self Steaming Christmas Pudding, all washed down with a bottle of Wilson’s Partially Fermented Fruit Based Celebratory Carbonated Beverage (Contains at least 5% Fruit) and served up on your limited edition Wilson’s Festive Wipe Clean Machine Washable Plates (Avoid Contact with Water) that the thought of the Wilson’s Corporation is probably the last thing on your minds. But do spare a thought for all of us here at Wilson’s Headquarters.

Well there’s only me here just now but, you know what I mean. The Management has told me to say that it’s been a very lean year for the company financially with only a projected 125% growth which apparently just isn’t good enough. I’ve been given this diagram of a pie to make it easier to explain to you. You see? With more money, we could have afforded a real pie.

I also have figures for our profits have also been broken down into more specific and yet random groupings. Assets: Cakes are rising. Assets: Leaves are falling. Assets: Equestrian Homes are stable. And Assets Christmas, we put up some decorations.

That was just my little joke. In fact I’m afraid that the Christmas Decoration budget has been cut this year. Into small strips. Hence the paper chains. Oh, and I expect you’ve been admiring this particular item. Isn’t it good? And so simple to make at home too. That’s right, you’ve guessed it. It’s a potato with a bit of holly stuck in it. Any common or garden potato will do. But I find garden ones are easier to come by. And, as the Wilson’s Courier who delivered it said to me, you just take your bit of holly and stick it.

Ah now I must stress that there is of course no need to panic despite the Company’s slightly disappointing year. It was of course this year that Wilson’s introduced the Employee Share Plan. I’ve already saved up four shares for when I eventually retire. I hope next year to trade them in for a shable. I’m shorry, you’ll have to excuse my shomewhat slurred speech, it must be this Wilson’s Non-Alcoholic Mulled Wine which the Management so kindly left me with their complements. You really shouldn’t drink a bottle by yourself! But as they only left me half a glass that’s hardly going to be a problem.

Never mind, I won’t be here all day. My colleague Mr Moppet has invited me round for drinks this evening. I’ve got the card here. It says “bring a bottle.” I wonder what he wants to put in it... I expect Mr Moppet will be pouring out drinks for ages. And when he’s got different amounts of liquid in all the glasses he’ll play Christmas Carols on them with a teaspoon. It’s a novel party piece but quite entertaining. And of course it’s at this time of year that I’m always reminded of the words to my favourite Christmas carol. You see I can never remember them myself.

Well, I could sit here chatting to you for at least another two minutes but I really must go and get on. But before I do, I mustn’t forget to thank all of you who sent me cards and presents. Even though so far none of them seem to have arrived yet... Goodbye then! And if your Christmas has been as enjoyable as mine then... well, I’d better wish you a Happy New Year...

 

[Beauregard]

Father Moppet: Typical...he's taken all the good lines and left nothing for the Queen...now what will she have to talk about? Those tiny little green mirros we like to call stamps? But seriously...that was a stirring speech...which helps, as the Christmas pudding had lumps in it. Now, pass over the Wilson’s Non-Alcoholic Mulled Wine and I'll tune up for a tinkly edition of "I Saw Three Ships come sailing by, on Christmas Day, on Christmas day, at the dock yard." Have a Merry Christmas, Mr Harvey, and a great year!

 

[D'Snowth]

Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy!

 

[theprawncracker]

Jack: And now I remember why I don't watch television anymore... the programing's too cleverly written. Makes me feel stupid. *downs egg nog* Merry Christmas to all, and to all a slight headache! *collapses*

 

[minidoozer]

Miss Mingostone: Merry Christmas Mr Harvey, my employer's collegue, who helped me deliver my baby! And it's almost new year now, how could I have missed this? Happy New Year as well *smiles*
Baby Mingostone: *points* Maaa *looks cute*
Hank: *runs off*

 

[Beauregard]

Father: How could you have missed this? More to the point...how could you have not named your baby?