OPENING The show begins backstage with Clifford, Rizzo and Kermit. Clifford tells Kermit how nice this TV station is for having their show on. Rizzo agrees and so does Kermit. Then, all of a sudden, as if it's right on cue a midget wearing a suit walks in and tells them all to leave they're not doing the show. Kermit tells the midget, Mr. Big, they have a contract signed by the head of this TV Station. Mr. Big apologises but the head forgot about the policy of this TV Station, they don't air Marilyn Manson, Puppetry Of The ***** or The Mupets. Rizzo shows Mr. Big the contract but Mr. Big still tells them all to leave, Clifford looks at the contract and points out the "Show Must Go On Clause". Which means as long as they have a show they can't get kicked off the air. Clifford then leaves Mr. Big: You have a show? Well, we'll see about that (evilly laughs) Clifford: (runs up from behind him) Well you better hurry if you wanna see the show. It's about to start in 5 seconds OPENING THEME SONG in the middle of the song is Statler and Waldorf at the old folks home, they roll their eyes. Waldorf: Oh great it's those darn Muppets. Statler get up and change the channel Statler: No you change it! Waldorf: No you change it! Statler: No you change it! Waldorf: No you change it! Statler: No you change it! Waldorf: No you change it! Statler: No you change it! Waldorf: No you change it! Statler: No you change it! Waldorf: Fine we won't change it and we'll sit here and watch this awful show. In the closing of the opening theme number Clifford points to a control room behind the audience. Cueing Gonzo to turn a knob which will show the "Muppets Tonight" logo. Gonzo turns the knob but electricity soars through his body. Gonzo: Electrifying The announcer announces Clifford as he slides onto the stage and welcomes everyone to Muppets Tonight. Clifford: I am the host Who doesn't like to boast 'Bout being coolest the most From coast to... beach! Clifford introduces the opening number. Opening Number: Four Crash Test Dummies sing "Tubthumper" by "Chumbuwamba". As they sing the words "We Get Knocked Down" things like pianos, fridges, even anvils fall on them. every time they sing the words "But we get up again you never gonna keep us down" they get up. When they sing the final "You never gonna keep us down"... Voice from above: Oh yeah? A meteorite gets thrown on all four of them. Backstage A guy who would look just like Mr. Big if it wasn't for that big thick bushy moustache told all of the next acts to go to the new green room. As they go there Kermit The Frog walks up to the stranger and tells them they don't have a new green room, the stranger told Kermit he got a new one just last week, a very special one. Kermit still doesn't remember it and the stranger thinks it's a sign of old age, that comment reminded Kermit of the new green room. The stranger suggested Kermit The Frog goes eto the new green room to make sure the acts don't ruin it, which Kermit does, thinking it's a great idea. As soon as Kermit enters the stranger slams the door shut and locks it. Then removes his big thick bushy moustache to reveal he IS Mr. Big. And the green room is really a rocket, which Mr. Big blasts into outer space. Realising he just launched all the Muppets into outer space there isn't a show, so he can cancel the show any time. And he starts to evilly laugh Clifford walks behind Mr. Big and asks what's so funny, Mr. Big jumps but then calms down it's only ONE Muppet, Rizzo and Gonzo walk up to Mr. Big, then Johnny Fiama and Sal. Soon Mr. Big is surrounded by Spamela Anderson, Pepe, Seymor, Bobo The Bear, Dr. Phil Van Neuter, Mulch, Carl The Big Mean Bunny, Nigel, Bill The Bubbleguy, Mr. Poodlepants and Zippedy. Mr. Big starts to panic but the ncalms down for it should be them that's panicing. As all the acts on tonight's show have been blasted into outer space, their next sketch or number begins in less than 30 seconds and it's up there in space. Mr. Big evilly laughs and walks away, Clifford still wonders what's so funny. Rizzo panics but Gonzo calms him down. All they have to do is go get a celebrity guest and they'll be fine. Clifford calls that a great idea then tells all the Muppets there to do it, except for Dr. Phil Van Neuter and Mulch they're in charge. All the Muppets leave as Dr. Phil Van Neuter stares into blank space then tells Mulch he knows exactly what to do SONG -- GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE Dr. Phil Van Neuter is on stage in front of a blue screen. Dr. Phil Van Neuter tells Mulch, in the control room to push the buttons which Mulch does. The blue screen fades away and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is the sun in the sky. Dr. Phil Van Neuter: (singing) Good morning sunshine the earth says hello you shine above us (Mulch pushes a button, the sun in the sky disappears and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is a storm cloud pouring rain down heavily) SONG -- SINGING IN THE RAIN (not singing) What the... oh well (singing) I'm singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again I'm singing in the... (Mulch pushes a button, the storm cloud pouring rain down heavily disappears and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is a blizzard) SONG -- IT'S COLD OUTSIDE (not singing) Again? Oh, okay (singing in a girl's voice) I really can't stay (singing in normal voice) But baby it's cold outside (singing in a girl's voice) I must be on my way (singing in normal voice) But baby it's cold out... (Mulch pushes a button, the blizzard disappears and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is the sea) SONG -- OCTOPUS' GARDEN (not singing) Mulch quit pushing the buttons! (singing) I'd like to be under the... (Mulch pushes a button, the sea disappears and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is a volcano erupting. Dr. Phil Van Neuter makes an annoyed noise) Feeling hot! Hot! Hot! (Mulch pushes a button, the volcano erupting disappears and behind Dr. Phil Van Neuter is the moon in the night sky. Dr. Phil Van Neuter faints) RETIREMENT CASTLE Waldorf: Statler, the TV's broken, there's something BIG wrong with it. Statler: What's that? Waldorf: It's on. BACKSTAGE All the Muppets come back to the studios, without any celebrities, except for two Muppets. Bobo The Bear comes back to the studios with Rosie O'Donnell. Clifford says that Rosie O'Donnell can be tonight's guest if she answers this question correctly. Clifford: Do I look cool? Rosie O'Donnell: ... Yes? Clifford: That's correct. Get her on the show Gonzo runs into the studios with a celebrity. Gonzo: Clifford, I found a special guest! Clifford: So have we, Rosie O'Donnell. Gonzo: Oh well... um... (turns round to see he's got Sam The Robot) never mind (pushes Sam The Robot away) SONG -- That DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH On stage Clifford introduces tonight's surprise, and he does mean surprise, guest star. Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell comes onto the stage singing "That Don't Impress Me Much" as she sings it turns out that Dr. Bunson Honeydew, Beaker nor Animal were launched into outer space as they come onto the number as the three people Rosie describes in the song. After the song Animal gives her a rose then nods towards the car Rosie O'Donnell: Like I said that don't impress me much Animal: I no take no for answer Animal chases Rosie O'Donnell off the stage CONTROL ROOM Nigel cues Spamela Anderson's gossip. As he dose that Rosie O'Donnell bursts through the walls trying to get away from Animal. But Animal continues to chase her in hot pursuit. Rosie O'Donnell burts through the walls on the other side of the control room trying to get away from Animal. But still, Animal continues to chase her in hot pursuit. SPAMELA'S GOSSIP Spamela Anderson's gossip tonight is that Miss Piggy lies about her age, she's way more then 3 times her age, Miss Piggy's exact age is... the phone rings, Spamela Anderson answers it, talks to it, hangs up and tells the audience that was Miss Piggy herself. If Spamela was to complete the last sentence she will fall asleep and when she wakes up it'll be next to eggs, on someone's plate for breakfast. Next is... Classic Michael Jackson Theatre This is just like Great Moments In Elvis History, but with Michael Jackson Muppets instead. These three Michael Jacksons are dressed up like witches as they're playing the witches from "Macbeth". However instead of doing the class lines they say a couple of Michael Jackson jokes. Michael Jackson #1: Oh look here comes Macbeth let's see what's in his future (couldron shows Macbeth getting killed) All 3 Michael Jacksons: OW! Announcer: That's all for today from Classic Michael Jackson Theatre. Tune in next week for Swan Lake. A muppet prince walks onto the stage and sees a Michael Jackson Muppet wearing a beak, instead of ballet dancing he dances the dance as seen in "Thriller" VIP Room In a VIP Room. Mr Big decides to see how the Muppet Show is doing, then turns on a TV which shows what a security camera sees. It's Clifford trying to get everyone to stand by for the closing number. This makes Mr. Big mad so he decides to do what he should have done when he first saw the Muppets taking over his studio. CLOSING NUMBER -- "Dance The Night Away" Clifforrd introduces the closing number. Then the special guest Rosie O'Donnell. Clifford asks her if he may have this dance which Rosie abligse. Rosie dances with Clifford onto the stage which is set up to look like on big ballroom. Rosie O'Donnell starts to sing "Dance The Night Away" by... I think, Ashanti, as she dances the tango with Clifford. Halfway through the song she pushes Clifford down on the floor because he's a boring dancer. She wants to dance with someone with swing, dance with someone with excitement, dance with someone like... Animal. Animal runs onto the stage, grabs Rosie O'Donnel's arms and spins her around and around and around as she sings the rest of the song. At the end of the song Animal loses her grips and Rosie O'Donnell goes flying through a window. Animal: Sorry Clifford comes on stage to end the show and brings out their special guest star Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie says she had fun on the show but it was more surprising than fun because they did the entire show without the prepared acts. RETIREMENT CASTLE Waldorf: Yep Clifford did a good job Statler: Great job Waldorf: Wonderful job Statler: They now get to continue to do the show and... (Statler and Waldorf look at each other) what a bad job Clifford did Waldorf: Horrible job Statler: Terrible job Waldorf: Boo! Boo! Statler: Boo! Waldorf: Hiss! Hiss! (Statler hisses like a snake) STAGE Before Clifford can thank everyone for watching Mr. Big walks in, with a gun. Mr. Big tells Clifford that he hates the Muppets and he hates this show. So he's going to end this show once and for all. Clifford tells Mr. Bgi to come get him, calling him the inferior one. Before Mr. Big could fire the gun the rocket he fired into outer space lands on top of him. Kermit comes out of the rocket with Robin but he doesn't say hi to anybody he runs off the stage and to a change room. Kermit: Robin why didn't you go before the rocket took off? Clifford thanks his lucky stars, then thanks everyone watching the show. The show then ends.