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EPISODE NINE
KARNLYN CARNAGE
And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the valiant Captain Link Hogthrob; the gorgeous First Mate Miss Piggy; and the astute Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek, the evil Emperor Uppshuck confronted them over the Battle of Rangmor. They had just been offered a chance to switch sides, and Link agreed in order to save himself from destruction.
“Oh, shut up,” First Mate Piggy said, and just as she was preparing to decline the Emperor’s offer for all three of them and face their own destruction, the old man spoke up.
“Then, you leave me no other alternative than to destroy you all,” and he raised his hands into the air and created a ball of fire. “Tonight, we dine on barbeque!”
The three Swinetrek members were looking out the window and began smiling. The entire Swinefleet crew, including the fleets of all their friends, had arrived and along with the Rangmorians were sending the Vomitian ships in all directions, destroying them at a very fast pace. The Emperor noticed their smiles and let his fireball down as he turned and looked out the window.
Apparently, as evil as he was, the Emperor was still unable to maintain his concentration at all times and while he was minding the brainwaves of the Swinetrek Crew, he was unable to know that the other armies were coming to defeat his own.
Another guard ran into the room, “Emperor Uppshuck, we’ve just received news that an allied army is arriving here in Rangmor to battle our own armies and help the Rangmorians. No worries, though, as we have our…protective shields on and…um…” The guard had just realized that the Vomitian ships were being destroyed. “Can you pardon me long enough to go into the master control room and turn on our protective shields?”
He turned to run, but the Emperor stopped him by firing a ball of fire at him and sent the guard to ashes. “Idiot!” Uppshuck pointed at another guard, “You, there! Go and tell the master control center to engage protective shields. Our generators can maintain that kind of power for a long time to come.”
The Rangmorian ships were rather weak, but if they fired into the windows or jet exhaust of the Vomitian ships they could destroy it. Now, with the onslaught of the allies, the Pukebian fighters needed their shields up for protection and those shields only came into action when the main battleship’s protective shields were up as well. Currently, the shock of what was going on outside caused the Guards to forget their attention in the Emperor’s room, and when Uppshuck looked back, his prisoners were gone.
“Get them!” he yelled, and his guards ran out to find the three pigs.
As they were running down a corridor, Link pulled out his communicon again, and called for Pighead to respond. “Come in, Pvt. Pighead! Respond!” There were no responses.
But, on the Swinetrek, Pighead and Craniac and three other crewmembers were watching the Vomitian guards as they searched the bridge of the ship. Then, they heard Link’s voice over the communicon that had fallen on the floor and rolled into a corner. Pighead thought to himself that he wishes he had it in his pocket on low volume so he could respond, but now the guards were looking for the voice. It got quiet for a few seconds, and then Link’s voice came again, “Pighead! Answer now! It’s an order!” The guards both looked in the direction of the communicon and went to grab it. Pighead dove from the closet, grabbed up the Captain’s Log and then it was lights out as Pighead smacked them across the backs of their heads and knocked them out.
“I am here, Capitan!” Pighead said. “We were being searched and were in hiding and…”
“Forget that for now, Pighead,” said Link. “I need you to have the battle stations manned right away, and clear out the bad guys from the ship in whatever means is necessary.”
Pighead and Craniac grabbed up two Disolvotron guns. “It’s party time!” said Craniac. Starting with the two guards in the bridge, they ran through the Swinetrek and turned everyone who wasn’t a member of the Swinefleet into air.
In the corridors of the main battleship, Link, Piggy, and Strangepork were about to meet some guards running in their direction, but in order to hide they dove into a room where they found a bunch of switches. The switches were marked and they began shutting them down. The capabilities for the tractor beam and the main cannons were shut off there, but then the door opened and there stood two big guards.
“I told you my computer was right,” said one of the guards. “The levers were being shut down! Pay up, bubba.” The other guard paid off his debt for a bet they had made. “Now, let’s get these three back to the Emperor!”
First Mate Piggy put her hands in front of herself in fists and then stomped with both feet into the ground. “You take one step closer and you’ll regret it for the rest of your lives, however short that will be!”
The guards looked at one another and then began laughing, then one of them looked at the pigs, “Whatever, little piggy! Now, I make you into sausage!”
“Uh-oh!” said Strangepork. “I hope you have a good medical program here!”
Another guard was in the hall and through the door he heard yelling and screaming, and when the door opened and his two fellow guards fell out on their faces and were knocked completely out, he hesitated, then looked in as Piggy stepped out, “Next!” she shouted. She was on a roll (wouldn’t that be a ham sandwich then)?
The guard realized he was out-manned, and he ran away yelling for help. Piggy, Link, and Julius ran down the hall then and into the bay where they found the Swinetrek. They ran toward the mouth of the ship to enter, but were cut off short by Emperor Uppshuck.
“You will not join me? You must die!” He raised his hands above his head and formed a fireball that was intended to hit the three Swinetrek leaders and kill them, but then he stopped and looked at them, then a grin popped up on his face and he started laughing, “Stop it! Stop, I say!” The Emperor dropped his hands to his sides laughing, and then said, “Uh-oh!” as he looked over his head at the fireball that fell on him and turned him into ashes.
Behind him was revealed Craniac. “Some people are so ticklish!” A blast appeared right beside him, and he ran screaming up the gangplank into the mouth of the ship followed by his leaders.
The guards were coming into the bay and firing at them. Just as Link and the others took their seats and the door to the Swinetrek was closing, they saw more guards than they desired to ever see running into the bay, and ‘zap’ and ‘pop’ was heard as their weapons fired at the ship.
Link started up the Swinetrek and lifted her into the air, and then he turned her and aimed at the giant generators that produced the ball of energy and pressed his fire buttons. With the smack of two lasers, the generators were exploded, and collapsed on one another, causing the ball of energy to explode, and as the Swinetrek was backing out of the Vomitian battleship, a ball of fire headed right at them.
“Um, Captain,” said Strangepork. “I hate to say this, but at this speed we’ll never make it!”
“Go, Link!” Piggy cried out.
“I’m taking her back as fast as I can,” said Link, then Piggy pushed his hands out of the way. She pushed a button the forward thrusters and turned the ship and then powered forward. She sat in her seat, “Thank you, Piggy,” said Link. He grabbed the steering controls as the ship shot out of the battleship, barely missed being swallowed up by the big ball of fire.
Next, they shot out into the fray and fired upon the Vomitian ships until one by one the enemies began to explode, even when not being fired upon. After Strangepork turned on the view screen they all saw that the giant Vomitian Battleship was exploding and falling apart, and it also caused the simultaneous destruction of the little ships from their fleet. Finally, the existence of any Vomitians in the Rangmorian Sector was no more. Success had happened, and the allies were victorious.
There was much celebration that followed: cheers going through the speakers, and aviation tricks in the ships. A voice came over the intercoms and it was the leader of the Ignoramou Planet: “Greetings all. With sincere gratitude and blessings I thank you for your work. It will not go unrewarded and your armies will soon be even richer than expected. It will be on the eve of the third month direct from this date that we shall celebrate here on Ignoramou, and you all are invited.”
On Styopia, the Swinefleet awarded medals to their allies, and many more awards were bestowed upon Captain Link Hogthrob, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Julius Strangepork. Link also recognized the hard work of his crew, most especially Pvt. Pighead and Craniac, both who were admitted into a special school so one day they could have their own ship. Lt. Col. Stypeg was promoted to General, and Gen. Bay Kenn was reduced to prison fodder in the brigs of Styopia.
And later at a party in the Rangmor Sector, all the allies received special gifts and awards, and the leader of the Ignoramou planet stood from his seat to specially honor the crew of the Swinetrek. With a hearty speech of appreciation, he handed to them (for the Swinefleet of course) five ounces of Karnlyn. The container in which it was kept had a golden glow around it. General Stypeg took the container immediately for safekeeping as Link’s clumsiness was well known.
“It has been our honor,” began Capt. Link, “as the crew of the Swinetrek to bring to justice and destruction the evils we have apparently feared for all our lives. Today, more than ever, I am a stronger pig and it is because I have a strong crew. Without my friends, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Strangepork, and crewmen Pvt. Pighead and Craniac, our success would not have been-um-successful, and we would have been on someone’s breakfast table in some other part of the galaxy. Of course, without the Koozebanians, the Oznogs, and the Martians the Swinefleet might not have been quite so successful as we were. It’s always good to have friends to count on, and as many allies as you can make because in the end, no matter what you’ve accomplished, it’s the friends you make and keep that make you successful. Thank you.”
Link stepped down to his seat as First Mate Piggy wiped a tear away from her eye. “That was beautiful, Mon Capitan!”
“Thank you,” Link said, and then paused. “What was?”
“That speech you just gave,” Miss Piggy said putting her hands in her lap.
“What’d I say?” Link asked.
“What?” Piggy asked. “Are you sniffing glue or something?”
“I don’t think so,” Link said, looking around the table. “I don’t see any.”
“Oh, brother!”
“First Mate Piggy,” said Dr. Strangepork. “You know not to think too hard when Captain Link starts talking.”
“You’re right,” she said. “Lord knows HE doesn’t think when he’s talking!”
The rest of the night was a gala affair with dancing, food, and mingling. At the close of the evening, everyone went to their respective bases, and the Swinetrek was in space again and headed toward Styopia where the crew rested at their base homes for a while. There was peace in the galaxy, and that’s the way it was always meant to be. Soon, the crew of the Swinetrek would be back on their exploration missions.
EPILOGUE
And now…
PIGS IN SPACE!
Starring the unconquerable Captain Link Hogthrob; the flappable First Mate Miss Piggy; and, the unfathomable, Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek they were awaiting on board the Swinetrek for their next mission.
First Mate Miss Piggy walked through the doors and into the bridge, “What’s up?”
“We’re waiting for our next mission,” said Link.
“Oh, I hope it’s something great!” Strangepork exclaimed. “Now that we’re fitted with better protective shields and equipment, the Swinetrek can go anywhere!”
The view screen began to sizzle behind them, and then appeared General Stypeg. “Swinetrek, you have a mission.”
“Oh, goodie!” said Link. “That’s what we’ve been waiting for!”
General Stypeg continued, “On behalf of the Swinefleet your mission, should you accept it, is to go into the Hokynokkin Galaxy to the planet Iyshrenk to help us learn more about their culture.”
Link leaned into the microphone, “We accept.”
“Our suggestion is that you take a helmet, shin guards, and a cup,” Stypeg warned.
“Cup?” asked Strangepork, looking at his coffee.
“Shin guards?” asked First Mate Piggy. “Moi thinks that would clash with moi’s uniform. Well, onward, Captain Hogthrob!”
“On what?” he asked.
“Nothing, Link, just fly!” said Strangepork.
The Swinetrek was directed toward Iyshrenk, the hyperspace button was pushed, and in a flash of light the ship was out of sight on a journey to where no pig had been before, exploring the uncharted corners of space, and running over every curb on the way.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter/Title
Episode One/The New Dopes
Episdoe Two/Travel To A Desolate Place
Episode Three/Starting Over
Episode Four/My Asteroid Itches
Episode Five/Birds of a Feather
Episode Six/The Pig Has Landed
Episode Seven/Inside Vomitia
Episode Eight/Escape from Pukebia
Episode Nine/Karnlyn Carnage
Epilogue
--------------------------------------------------
DIRECTOR’S CUT INFORMATION:
Heavy with Star Wars influence, this novelette is separated by Episodes, rather than chapters. Originally, the Star Wars story was 9 episodes long, which is the case of this story. Also, Star Wars had their Holiday Special, and this story gets its own Epilogue instead.
Each episode begins the same way as each sketch did on The Muppet Show with an introduction of the characters that changes each time and a recap of the last episode.
This novelette includes the characters and names you expect when you hear Pigs In Space: Swinetrek, Capt. Link Hogthrob, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Julius Strangepork. I re-introduce (from Muppets Tonight) Pighead (Pee-zhay) and Craniac but only as students of Link and Julius. In order to create the story, the universe had to be expanded and includes familiar Muppet/Henson related space creations, and new characters developed. Separated by each Episode where introduced, I am describing those new characters and names.
Episode One:
Rangmor (rang-more) Sector, and those from the planets of there are called Rangmorians (rang-more-ee-uns). Planets in Rangmor include Ignoramou (ig-nor-aim-oo) (its citizens called the Ignoramous {ig-nor-aim-ooze}) and Xapflarp (zap-f-larp) (its citizens called the Xapflarpians {zap-f’larp-ee-uns}). The whole story is because of a power source called Karnlyn (carn-lin) on Ignoramou. Another space sector called Pukebia (pyoo-keb-ee-uh) holds the planet Vomitia (voh-mee-shuh) (citizens of Vomitia are called Pukebian (pyoo-keb-ee-un) or Vomitian (voh-mee-shun). While the leader of Ignoramou is not mentioned, the leaders of Vomitia are, namely in this episode Lord Purjebinj (purr-zhah-benge). A nearby star system, F-909, has a planet whose citizens, the Apopomomnies (uh-pop-oh-mom-knees) were basically wiped out by the vomitians. A call went to the base Styopia (Sty-oh-pee-uh) to the Swinefleet (pronounced like it looks).
Leaders of Styopia are General Bay Kenn (bacon) and Lt. Col. Stypeg (pig sty).
The only names that reference anything is the Ignoramou (ignoramus) and all about Pukebia (Puke, Vomit, Purge-and-binge).
Episode Two:
We are introduced to Koozebane, and the Koozebanians: Spooble, Foobs, creatures, Merdlidops, and since one of the Merdlidops with the nose is named Phyllis, and gives her distinction, I made her their queen. There are also references to Kermit’s many reports from there and Dom Deluis’ visit. I also mention the famous Disolvotron gun.
Episodes three and four don’t do much.
Episode Five:
Oznog (oz-nog) is the name I give to the creatures I allude to as Gonzo’s kinfolk who are actually in the search for him, and the reference to Muppets From Space “Are you there?” is included. I mention the exploded Melmac, and bring in the Sesame Street Yip Yip Martians for some cameos, and mention radishes as their fuel source as a nod to Fraggle Rock.
Episode Six:
Lord Purjebinj’s brother Master Gagolat (gag-uh-lot) is introduced. Again, a reference to puking.
Episode Seven:
Alludes to the janitor being Beauregard, and has two references to Ghostbusters: “Well, that was easy, wasn’t it?” and a Milkbone reference, when Louis was being chased by the Terror Dogs.
Episode Eight:
Pukebian General Grrgul (gurgle), and Emperor Uppshuck (up-shuck), both gurgle and upchuck references to puking.
Epilogue:
Hokynokkin (hockey-knockin’) Galaxy, Iyshrenk (I-shrink) both refer to hockey, playing the game and getting knocked around, and the ice rink.
-------------------------
EPISODE NINE
KARNLYN CARNAGE
And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the valiant Captain Link Hogthrob; the gorgeous First Mate Miss Piggy; and the astute Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek, the evil Emperor Uppshuck confronted them over the Battle of Rangmor. They had just been offered a chance to switch sides, and Link agreed in order to save himself from destruction.
“Oh, shut up,” First Mate Piggy said, and just as she was preparing to decline the Emperor’s offer for all three of them and face their own destruction, the old man spoke up.
“Then, you leave me no other alternative than to destroy you all,” and he raised his hands into the air and created a ball of fire. “Tonight, we dine on barbeque!”
The three Swinetrek members were looking out the window and began smiling. The entire Swinefleet crew, including the fleets of all their friends, had arrived and along with the Rangmorians were sending the Vomitian ships in all directions, destroying them at a very fast pace. The Emperor noticed their smiles and let his fireball down as he turned and looked out the window.
Apparently, as evil as he was, the Emperor was still unable to maintain his concentration at all times and while he was minding the brainwaves of the Swinetrek Crew, he was unable to know that the other armies were coming to defeat his own.
Another guard ran into the room, “Emperor Uppshuck, we’ve just received news that an allied army is arriving here in Rangmor to battle our own armies and help the Rangmorians. No worries, though, as we have our…protective shields on and…um…” The guard had just realized that the Vomitian ships were being destroyed. “Can you pardon me long enough to go into the master control room and turn on our protective shields?”
He turned to run, but the Emperor stopped him by firing a ball of fire at him and sent the guard to ashes. “Idiot!” Uppshuck pointed at another guard, “You, there! Go and tell the master control center to engage protective shields. Our generators can maintain that kind of power for a long time to come.”
The Rangmorian ships were rather weak, but if they fired into the windows or jet exhaust of the Vomitian ships they could destroy it. Now, with the onslaught of the allies, the Pukebian fighters needed their shields up for protection and those shields only came into action when the main battleship’s protective shields were up as well. Currently, the shock of what was going on outside caused the Guards to forget their attention in the Emperor’s room, and when Uppshuck looked back, his prisoners were gone.
“Get them!” he yelled, and his guards ran out to find the three pigs.
As they were running down a corridor, Link pulled out his communicon again, and called for Pighead to respond. “Come in, Pvt. Pighead! Respond!” There were no responses.
But, on the Swinetrek, Pighead and Craniac and three other crewmembers were watching the Vomitian guards as they searched the bridge of the ship. Then, they heard Link’s voice over the communicon that had fallen on the floor and rolled into a corner. Pighead thought to himself that he wishes he had it in his pocket on low volume so he could respond, but now the guards were looking for the voice. It got quiet for a few seconds, and then Link’s voice came again, “Pighead! Answer now! It’s an order!” The guards both looked in the direction of the communicon and went to grab it. Pighead dove from the closet, grabbed up the Captain’s Log and then it was lights out as Pighead smacked them across the backs of their heads and knocked them out.
“I am here, Capitan!” Pighead said. “We were being searched and were in hiding and…”
“Forget that for now, Pighead,” said Link. “I need you to have the battle stations manned right away, and clear out the bad guys from the ship in whatever means is necessary.”
Pighead and Craniac grabbed up two Disolvotron guns. “It’s party time!” said Craniac. Starting with the two guards in the bridge, they ran through the Swinetrek and turned everyone who wasn’t a member of the Swinefleet into air.
In the corridors of the main battleship, Link, Piggy, and Strangepork were about to meet some guards running in their direction, but in order to hide they dove into a room where they found a bunch of switches. The switches were marked and they began shutting them down. The capabilities for the tractor beam and the main cannons were shut off there, but then the door opened and there stood two big guards.
“I told you my computer was right,” said one of the guards. “The levers were being shut down! Pay up, bubba.” The other guard paid off his debt for a bet they had made. “Now, let’s get these three back to the Emperor!”
First Mate Piggy put her hands in front of herself in fists and then stomped with both feet into the ground. “You take one step closer and you’ll regret it for the rest of your lives, however short that will be!”
The guards looked at one another and then began laughing, then one of them looked at the pigs, “Whatever, little piggy! Now, I make you into sausage!”
“Uh-oh!” said Strangepork. “I hope you have a good medical program here!”
Another guard was in the hall and through the door he heard yelling and screaming, and when the door opened and his two fellow guards fell out on their faces and were knocked completely out, he hesitated, then looked in as Piggy stepped out, “Next!” she shouted. She was on a roll (wouldn’t that be a ham sandwich then)?
The guard realized he was out-manned, and he ran away yelling for help. Piggy, Link, and Julius ran down the hall then and into the bay where they found the Swinetrek. They ran toward the mouth of the ship to enter, but were cut off short by Emperor Uppshuck.
“You will not join me? You must die!” He raised his hands above his head and formed a fireball that was intended to hit the three Swinetrek leaders and kill them, but then he stopped and looked at them, then a grin popped up on his face and he started laughing, “Stop it! Stop, I say!” The Emperor dropped his hands to his sides laughing, and then said, “Uh-oh!” as he looked over his head at the fireball that fell on him and turned him into ashes.
Behind him was revealed Craniac. “Some people are so ticklish!” A blast appeared right beside him, and he ran screaming up the gangplank into the mouth of the ship followed by his leaders.
The guards were coming into the bay and firing at them. Just as Link and the others took their seats and the door to the Swinetrek was closing, they saw more guards than they desired to ever see running into the bay, and ‘zap’ and ‘pop’ was heard as their weapons fired at the ship.
Link started up the Swinetrek and lifted her into the air, and then he turned her and aimed at the giant generators that produced the ball of energy and pressed his fire buttons. With the smack of two lasers, the generators were exploded, and collapsed on one another, causing the ball of energy to explode, and as the Swinetrek was backing out of the Vomitian battleship, a ball of fire headed right at them.
“Um, Captain,” said Strangepork. “I hate to say this, but at this speed we’ll never make it!”
“Go, Link!” Piggy cried out.
“I’m taking her back as fast as I can,” said Link, then Piggy pushed his hands out of the way. She pushed a button the forward thrusters and turned the ship and then powered forward. She sat in her seat, “Thank you, Piggy,” said Link. He grabbed the steering controls as the ship shot out of the battleship, barely missed being swallowed up by the big ball of fire.
Next, they shot out into the fray and fired upon the Vomitian ships until one by one the enemies began to explode, even when not being fired upon. After Strangepork turned on the view screen they all saw that the giant Vomitian Battleship was exploding and falling apart, and it also caused the simultaneous destruction of the little ships from their fleet. Finally, the existence of any Vomitians in the Rangmorian Sector was no more. Success had happened, and the allies were victorious.
There was much celebration that followed: cheers going through the speakers, and aviation tricks in the ships. A voice came over the intercoms and it was the leader of the Ignoramou Planet: “Greetings all. With sincere gratitude and blessings I thank you for your work. It will not go unrewarded and your armies will soon be even richer than expected. It will be on the eve of the third month direct from this date that we shall celebrate here on Ignoramou, and you all are invited.”
On Styopia, the Swinefleet awarded medals to their allies, and many more awards were bestowed upon Captain Link Hogthrob, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Julius Strangepork. Link also recognized the hard work of his crew, most especially Pvt. Pighead and Craniac, both who were admitted into a special school so one day they could have their own ship. Lt. Col. Stypeg was promoted to General, and Gen. Bay Kenn was reduced to prison fodder in the brigs of Styopia.
And later at a party in the Rangmor Sector, all the allies received special gifts and awards, and the leader of the Ignoramou planet stood from his seat to specially honor the crew of the Swinetrek. With a hearty speech of appreciation, he handed to them (for the Swinefleet of course) five ounces of Karnlyn. The container in which it was kept had a golden glow around it. General Stypeg took the container immediately for safekeeping as Link’s clumsiness was well known.
“It has been our honor,” began Capt. Link, “as the crew of the Swinetrek to bring to justice and destruction the evils we have apparently feared for all our lives. Today, more than ever, I am a stronger pig and it is because I have a strong crew. Without my friends, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Strangepork, and crewmen Pvt. Pighead and Craniac, our success would not have been-um-successful, and we would have been on someone’s breakfast table in some other part of the galaxy. Of course, without the Koozebanians, the Oznogs, and the Martians the Swinefleet might not have been quite so successful as we were. It’s always good to have friends to count on, and as many allies as you can make because in the end, no matter what you’ve accomplished, it’s the friends you make and keep that make you successful. Thank you.”
Link stepped down to his seat as First Mate Piggy wiped a tear away from her eye. “That was beautiful, Mon Capitan!”
“Thank you,” Link said, and then paused. “What was?”
“That speech you just gave,” Miss Piggy said putting her hands in her lap.
“What’d I say?” Link asked.
“What?” Piggy asked. “Are you sniffing glue or something?”
“I don’t think so,” Link said, looking around the table. “I don’t see any.”
“Oh, brother!”
“First Mate Piggy,” said Dr. Strangepork. “You know not to think too hard when Captain Link starts talking.”
“You’re right,” she said. “Lord knows HE doesn’t think when he’s talking!”
The rest of the night was a gala affair with dancing, food, and mingling. At the close of the evening, everyone went to their respective bases, and the Swinetrek was in space again and headed toward Styopia where the crew rested at their base homes for a while. There was peace in the galaxy, and that’s the way it was always meant to be. Soon, the crew of the Swinetrek would be back on their exploration missions.
EPILOGUE
And now…
PIGS IN SPACE!
Starring the unconquerable Captain Link Hogthrob; the flappable First Mate Miss Piggy; and, the unfathomable, Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek they were awaiting on board the Swinetrek for their next mission.
First Mate Miss Piggy walked through the doors and into the bridge, “What’s up?”
“We’re waiting for our next mission,” said Link.
“Oh, I hope it’s something great!” Strangepork exclaimed. “Now that we’re fitted with better protective shields and equipment, the Swinetrek can go anywhere!”
The view screen began to sizzle behind them, and then appeared General Stypeg. “Swinetrek, you have a mission.”
“Oh, goodie!” said Link. “That’s what we’ve been waiting for!”
General Stypeg continued, “On behalf of the Swinefleet your mission, should you accept it, is to go into the Hokynokkin Galaxy to the planet Iyshrenk to help us learn more about their culture.”
Link leaned into the microphone, “We accept.”
“Our suggestion is that you take a helmet, shin guards, and a cup,” Stypeg warned.
“Cup?” asked Strangepork, looking at his coffee.
“Shin guards?” asked First Mate Piggy. “Moi thinks that would clash with moi’s uniform. Well, onward, Captain Hogthrob!”
“On what?” he asked.
“Nothing, Link, just fly!” said Strangepork.
The Swinetrek was directed toward Iyshrenk, the hyperspace button was pushed, and in a flash of light the ship was out of sight on a journey to where no pig had been before, exploring the uncharted corners of space, and running over every curb on the way.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter/Title
Episode One/The New Dopes
Episdoe Two/Travel To A Desolate Place
Episode Three/Starting Over
Episode Four/My Asteroid Itches
Episode Five/Birds of a Feather
Episode Six/The Pig Has Landed
Episode Seven/Inside Vomitia
Episode Eight/Escape from Pukebia
Episode Nine/Karnlyn Carnage
Epilogue
--------------------------------------------------
DIRECTOR’S CUT INFORMATION:
Heavy with Star Wars influence, this novelette is separated by Episodes, rather than chapters. Originally, the Star Wars story was 9 episodes long, which is the case of this story. Also, Star Wars had their Holiday Special, and this story gets its own Epilogue instead.
Each episode begins the same way as each sketch did on The Muppet Show with an introduction of the characters that changes each time and a recap of the last episode.
This novelette includes the characters and names you expect when you hear Pigs In Space: Swinetrek, Capt. Link Hogthrob, First Mate Miss Piggy, and Dr. Julius Strangepork. I re-introduce (from Muppets Tonight) Pighead (Pee-zhay) and Craniac but only as students of Link and Julius. In order to create the story, the universe had to be expanded and includes familiar Muppet/Henson related space creations, and new characters developed. Separated by each Episode where introduced, I am describing those new characters and names.
Episode One:
Rangmor (rang-more) Sector, and those from the planets of there are called Rangmorians (rang-more-ee-uns). Planets in Rangmor include Ignoramou (ig-nor-aim-oo) (its citizens called the Ignoramous {ig-nor-aim-ooze}) and Xapflarp (zap-f-larp) (its citizens called the Xapflarpians {zap-f’larp-ee-uns}). The whole story is because of a power source called Karnlyn (carn-lin) on Ignoramou. Another space sector called Pukebia (pyoo-keb-ee-uh) holds the planet Vomitia (voh-mee-shuh) (citizens of Vomitia are called Pukebian (pyoo-keb-ee-un) or Vomitian (voh-mee-shun). While the leader of Ignoramou is not mentioned, the leaders of Vomitia are, namely in this episode Lord Purjebinj (purr-zhah-benge). A nearby star system, F-909, has a planet whose citizens, the Apopomomnies (uh-pop-oh-mom-knees) were basically wiped out by the vomitians. A call went to the base Styopia (Sty-oh-pee-uh) to the Swinefleet (pronounced like it looks).
Leaders of Styopia are General Bay Kenn (bacon) and Lt. Col. Stypeg (pig sty).
The only names that reference anything is the Ignoramou (ignoramus) and all about Pukebia (Puke, Vomit, Purge-and-binge).
Episode Two:
We are introduced to Koozebane, and the Koozebanians: Spooble, Foobs, creatures, Merdlidops, and since one of the Merdlidops with the nose is named Phyllis, and gives her distinction, I made her their queen. There are also references to Kermit’s many reports from there and Dom Deluis’ visit. I also mention the famous Disolvotron gun.
Episodes three and four don’t do much.
Episode Five:
Oznog (oz-nog) is the name I give to the creatures I allude to as Gonzo’s kinfolk who are actually in the search for him, and the reference to Muppets From Space “Are you there?” is included. I mention the exploded Melmac, and bring in the Sesame Street Yip Yip Martians for some cameos, and mention radishes as their fuel source as a nod to Fraggle Rock.
Episode Six:
Lord Purjebinj’s brother Master Gagolat (gag-uh-lot) is introduced. Again, a reference to puking.
Episode Seven:
Alludes to the janitor being Beauregard, and has two references to Ghostbusters: “Well, that was easy, wasn’t it?” and a Milkbone reference, when Louis was being chased by the Terror Dogs.
Episode Eight:
Pukebian General Grrgul (gurgle), and Emperor Uppshuck (up-shuck), both gurgle and upchuck references to puking.
Epilogue:
Hokynokkin (hockey-knockin’) Galaxy, Iyshrenk (I-shrink) both refer to hockey, playing the game and getting knocked around, and the ice rink.
