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Yuna Leonhart
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This little piece of oneshot is the sequel to Happy Easter. Well, the title explains it all, right?
Enjoy
Vacation time was over and it was once again time for another show. Old props and backgrounds were taken out to see if they could be used, new ones were made, scripts were written or rewritten and of course there was a big amount of rehearsals. Muppets ran all over the theater, going over their script or asking Kermit for changes. In case they could not find him, they asked either Scooter or Julie to convince him to change something. Kermit, Scooter and Julie were busy overseeing that everything went well. Although the German girl had caught a cold and had not returned to work until the day of the show.
“Hey, who’s the guest star this week anyway?”, wondered Julie aloud as she helped Scooter carrying some props.
“Johnny Depp”, said the go-fer nonchalantly. The props he carried suddenly became heavier. He turned around to see the reason; Julie had stopped walking, her arms still in same position as if she carried something. Her lower jaw had dropped and her eyes were large. She looked like she had seen a ghost. Scooter carefully approached her. Then without warning, she squealed in a high-pitched, shrill voice:
“Johnny Depp!?”
Scooter squirmed at her outburst, while several Muppets came to see if a bat was here somewhere. Seeing none, they went on with their business. Scooter, meanwhile, swore the ringing noise in his ear would never really go away. He rubbed his ear with while a sheepish smiling Julie took the props once more.
“Sorry.”
“I’ll send you the bill for the hearing aid device I’m going to need now.”
“Was there a bat somewhere backstage?”, asked Kermit when Scooter and Julie arrived with the props. Scooter simply pointed at Julie and rubbed his ear once more. The girl nervously grinned before going to Sweetums to help him preparing the stage. Kermit looked at her and then at Scooter in confusion. The go-fer, however, said nothing about this. He simply helped setting everything up, too, although he made a point of not getting anywhere near Julie again. Kermit decided to not let it bother him as he supervised the setting up. Soon, a barbershop set, the same one as from the telethon, was on stage.
“It looks terrific”, he said. “Is everyone ready?”
“Yes, boss”, confirmed Scooter, who left them to get the guest star. Then the theme song for The New Muppet Show started. When it was over, Kermit appeared in front of the curtain.
“Hello and welcome to The New Muppet Show! We have a great show prepared for you with today’s guest star… Johnny Depp!”, announced Kermit. “And now, let’s get back to the ol’ days down at the barbershop!”
Kermit left the stage as the curtain opened.
Johnny Depp entered the barbershop and was immediately greeted by Sam, Beaker, Rowlf and Link, all four of them donning their barbershop attires.
“What can I do for you today, sir?”, asked the eagle.
“Stylish trimming of the hair?”, asked Link.
“Soothing skin massage?”, offered Rowlf.
“Mee mee moo”, added Beaker, gesturing to the chair. Johnny Depp did so and answered:
“Fetch the pomade and pumice stone and lend me a more seductive tone. A sprinkling perhaps of French cologne but first, sirs, I think a shave.”
He then looked at the audience and added:
“As long as it’s nowhere underneath the chin.”
The four Muppets took their equipments and started to sing a barbershop quartet version of Pretty Women.
After the song ended, the barbers removed to towel to reveal their guest’s new appearance. His face was now very pale and his hair was black with a white streak and tussled. He gave the audience a creepy smirk as he produced a razor.
The barbershop quarter and Johnny Depp went backstage, where Kermit congratulated them on their great performance. Julie turned into a pillar of salt when she saw the actor. As he briefly glanced in her direction, her face started to imitate a tomato. It was only after Kermit announced Fozzie and said bear went to the stage when she recovered. Thinking she would never survive this show, she skimmed through her own clipboard and seeing Johnny Depp, Sweetums, Kermit and Miss Piggy were next. Then she decided to watch Fozzie’s act:
“Boy, have I got a great number for you today! You’re gonna love it!”
“You’re not gonna do a number?”, heckled Waldorf.
“Aw, c’mon. Can’t you give me a break?”, whined Fozzie, throwing his arms to his side. Statler and Waldorf looked at each other, then at him and replied: “No! D'oh-ho-ho!”
Fozzie shook his head in exasperation and began telling his jokes:
“Who can shave twenty-five times a day and still have a beard? A barber! Aaaaah! Wocka, wocka, wocka! Oh, wait. I’ve got something else. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.”
“And you’re a weapon for joke disruption!”, shouted Statler.
“Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spent years at C! Get it? Wocka! Wocka!”
“Pirates are still with it than you are with telling jokes!”
“Aw, that is just below the belt!”
“You don’t even wear a belt!”
“Ah well… Why are pirates called pirates? They just aRRRRRRRR!”
“That was dumb”, commented Waldorf.
“Yes, it was”, agreed Statler. Fozzie thanked the audience and left the stage only to reappear a moment later:
“Kermit asked me to introduce the next number, seeing that he is performing in the next number. So, now enjoy Kermit, Miss Piggy and Johnny Depp together in an act!”
Now he left the stage for real.
The curtain opened to reveal a pirate ship. Miss Piggy watched the passing scenery. She wore a gold and white lace dress. Its sides were decorated by floral patterns while the front of the upper part was ornate by rather abstracting patterns. At the helm of the ship was Johnny Depp. His outfit consisted of long sea boots, long linen trousers and a long brown coat. Around his waist was a red sash tied. Furthermore, he wore a shorter faded blue waistcoat and a torn white undershirt. On his head was a red bandanna, which was decorated by little trinkets. His hair was in dreadlocks style and he had a goatee. On his head was a faded black tricorne. Four rings decorated his hands. As he steered his ship, he sang under his breath:
We’re devils and black sheep, we’re really bad eggs
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
High on top of the mast was Kermit, keeping watch on potentially dangerous things. His outfit was identical to Johnny Depp’s. Miss Piggy called him down to get some grub. Kermit hopped from the mast to the rope and slid down. With a kind smile, Miss Piggy handed him some bread, some water and fruits. While he ate, she walked over to the captain of the ship to hand him his food. After he had taken it, she walked back to Kermit. But, to everyone’s surprise and shock, the ship toppled and a large brown creature made a grab for Miss Piggy. She struggled and struggled but could not free herself. Kermit and Johnny Depp tried to help but were powerless against the big powerful Sweetums.
“Let me go”, exclaimed Miss Piggy.
“Hey, calm down now”, said Sweetums in a reassuring voice, which made the other three stop. “I’m jus’ here to get an autograph from Johnny Depp.”
“Why didn’t you just ask and why did you grab me?”, asked Miss Piggy, looking skeptical.
“You didn’t give me the chance to and you were goin’ to trip.”
“Alright, mate. Kermit here’s going to get a pen, I will give you an autograph and then you leave without her. We still need her. She’s the only one who can cook”, said Johnny Depp while Kermit went to retrieve a pen. Miss Piggy glared at her captain when he made the last comment. When the frog returned with a pen, Sweetums let Miss Piggy go and Johnny Depp gave him and autograph. He thanked him and hopped overboard. Now that he was gone, the sow angrily approached the captain:
“So, I’m just your cook?”, she said in a deep voice. Not giving him a chance to explain himself, she karate-chopped him. Kermit gulped when she looked at him and took a step backwards.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great addition for the crew in many ways.”
“That’s more I like it”, Miss Piggy smirked.
The act ended and Kermit quickly announced the next one (“And now singing and dancing chickens.”) before following Miss Piggy and Johnny Depp backstage. Camilla and the other chickens appeared on stage, dressed in flashy clothing. Rowlf accompanied them on piano as they clucked Remains of The Day.
“I don’t think Danny Elfman ever expected chickens to sing one of his songs”, remarked Julie but she was smiling.
“Well, it was either that or Wonka’s Welcome Song”, said Kermit.
“I think I would die of laughter if they would sing that one instead”, chuckled Julie. “But stop giving me the urge to watch Charlie And The Chocolate Factory again. I ate my last bar of chocolate just before the show. Oh and by the way, you looked cute in your costume.”
“Gee, thank you. Did you like our act, too?”
“Oh, I liked it. But I think it should’ve been longer and it needed more Johnny Depp.”
Kermit stared at her when she said the last comment but decided to let it slide.
“Well, to be honest, I was surprised about Miss Piggy’s performance. She’s normally very hammy and would hog the limelight”, commented Kermit. Unbeknownst to him, said pig had just arrived and she was less than pleased about the last part.
“Would vous care to repeat that?”, she said in a dangerously calm voice. Kermit froze upon hearing her and, fearing for incoming injuries, slowly turned around to face her. Eyes narrowed and mouth formed to a straight line, she looked very dangerous.
“Uh hi, Piggy.”
Kermit suddenly found himself being hurled on stage, where the chickens coincidentally finished their act. He recovered from her attack, holding his stomach. Scooter quickly came to his aid.
“Chief, are you alright?”
“Yeah”, answered Kermit, rubbing his stomach. He wondered whether it would leave a mark. Turning to the audience, he announced At The Dance.
Backstage, everything was normal. At least, as normal as it could get in such a Muppety environment. Fozzie annoyed the others by telling random jokes; the Swedish chased a random chicken. Miss Piggy was still displeased about Kermit’s “hammy” and “hog” comment; Walter felt nervous about his act for he felt the song was difficult for him and had not practiced enough. Scooter tried to calm him down and was actually doing a good job. Walter started to feel confident that he would do great but nevertheless decided to practice some more. Kermit was in his office, looking at the bruise he had received. Rowlf was with him.
“You really shouldn’t have said that”, advised the dog. “You know how she can get.”
“Yeah but I didn’t think she would be that mad…”, Kermit paused as he thought over his statement was more. “Then again, she’s always like this with pig jokes and puns.”
Kermit looked at his long-time friend. Rowlf did not need to say anything, his face said it all.
“I guess I better talk to her”, said Kermit and made his way to the door. He was stopped, however, by Rowlf who put a paw on his shoulder.
“Julie, Janice and Camilla are trying to calm her down now. Better wait for a while”, the dog advised. Kermit thought it would be better to do what his friend said. He really did not want to interrupt the four girls talking. For now, he simply had to trust Janice, Camilla and Julie.
Meanwhile, Miss Piggy was in her dressing room to get changed for her performance. Julie, Janice, Camilla and a make-up artist were with her. Camilla was also dressed for the act, while Julie was the dressed in her regular blue-colored clothes and Janice in a rosé-colored shirt and royal blue skirt. She would later get changed. Miss Piggy needed more time to get ready because her role needed a considerable amount of make-up. To pass time, the other girls ate muffins and cookies.
“Come on, don’t be mad at him”, said Julie as she made grab for yet another cookie. “It was a poor choice of words on his part.”
“Yeah, but he, like, should rully say sorry”, added Janice with Camilla clucked in agreement. Miss Piggy appeared from behind the screen and sat down in front of her mirror. She seemed to have calmed down a little. At least, she was not shaking in anger and glaring anymore while the make-up artist applied make-up on the sow.
“Um, Janice… I think it’s time for you to go”, said Julie after a quick glance at her clipboard and then at her watch. Right on cue, there was a knock and Floyd’s voice saying:
“Janice, babe, it’s time for our gig.”
“Comin’!”
Janice left. Miss Piggy took a muffin while Julie, who was also eating one, was thinking about something to say. But nothing came to her mind. It was easier the last time Miss Piggy was mad at Kermit. After all, Julie could tell her why he made this decision to cancel her act. This time, she could not help. This time he said something wrong; he would have to reconcile with her on his own.
The Electric Mayhem’s rendition of Violet Beauregarde was well-received by the audience. They had long since left the stage and everything was set up for the Talk Spot. Kermit sat atop the wall, just like he did in the old show back then. It felt kind of weird being seated there was once again after all these years. Memories of each guest star, some still alive and some parted from this world, flooded his mind. Now, new stars would come to the show every week, stars of today. Just like Johnny Depp.
“You know, I was once a lizard, too”, he said. “Only I was a chameleon and I worked as a sheriff.”
“That’s great, but I’m a frog”, replied Kermit, his feet dangling from the wall. “Did you have any troubles while you were a sheriff?”
“In fact, I did. The town had a very limited supply of water and it didn’t help it was terrorized by a snake. Funnily enough, he sounded just like someone I know from my pirate days.”
“So, you were a chameleon sheriff and a pirate. What sorts of profession did you also have?”
“Well, I once made garden sculptures and cut people’s hair in a small town, it didn’t last long. Then I solved a murder case. It wasn’t pretty, the victims were all decapitated. I was also a barber for a short time. I owned a chocolate factory and I was a hatter.”
“Gee, that’s a lot.”
“Yeah, but my friend was always with me.”
“Yeah, it’s always good to have friend with you”, said Kermit, his eyes glazed over as he thought about his friends. “Even if you sometimes have fights with them.”
“Like you and Miss Piggy?”, Johnny Depp inquired.
“Yeah. I guess I made a poor choice of words”, the frog replied, to which his guest did not disagree. “I forgot how explosive-”
Whatever Kermit said, it was drowned by an explosion and a cackling Crazy Harry appearing out of nowhere.
Kermit’s lower jaw dropped upon seeing the girls emerging from Miss Piggy’s dressing room. Camilla wore a black dress, decorated with fake spider webs and spiders. Janice wore a tattered bilious green dress. But Miss Piggy’s costume was the one Kermit impressed the most. It was a wedding dress, torn and tattered in various places and completed with a wedding ring. Her make-up made her look like she was dead but not in a way to be scared or disgusted. Although she did look a little creepy. Miss Piggy smirked about the effect her costume had on Kermit.
“Kermit, close your mouth if you don’t want any flies to fly in”, smirked Julie. She gave off a nonchalant shrug and added: “Although, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind.”
Julie laughed when he abruptly closed his mouth and the other girls went to the stage.
The stage was dimly lit, only showing a gothic-styled bedroom and a lit fireplace. Fake cobwebs hung all over the place. Miss Piggy sat with her back to the fire, looking miserably at her feet. Janice put a comforting had on her shoulder while Camilla stroked her hands.
“C’mon, he didn’t mean it fer sure”, said Janice.
“And what if he does? She is prettier than me and…”, Miss Piggy broke off and she sighed sadly. Camilla and Janice looked at each other in concern before the latter kneeled down in front of Miss Piggy and made her look at her:
“But you got so much more. You got, like, a wonderful personality.”
When the porcine still looked so forlorn, she began to sing:
What does that wispy little brat have that you don't have double?
Camilla joined her in:
Bawk bawk bawk ba bawk ba ba bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk
Miss Piggy turned away from her friends; her arms crossed, and huffed:
How about a pulse?
Janice walked in front of her and made a dismissive gesture:
Overrated by a mile
Camilla followed her:
Ba bawk bawk ba
Janice added:
Overblown
Both stood once again in front of Miss Piggy, blocking her view to the fireplace. Janice, kneeled down once again, had her arm around Camilla while she had her wing around her:
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
Camilla pointed at the ring on the sow’s finger:
Bwk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk ba bawk
Janice stood up as she sang:
And she doesn't play piano
Both girls did a little dance when they sang in duet:
Or dance (Ba bawk ba)
Janice sang a solo when Miss Piggy stood up:
Or sing
Janice and Camilla did not move away from their spots as they watched their friend walking around the room:
No she doesn't compare (Ba ba bawk bawk bawk)
Miss Piggy stopped and turned around to look at them as she sang the next line an exasperated but hurt voice:
But she still breathes air
Camilla shrugged:
Ba bawk?
Janice did another dismissive gesture.
Unimportant
Camilla trotted after Miss Piggy:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Janice followed the two of them:
Overblown
They stood side by side as Camilla and Janice continued to sing:
If only he could see (Ba bawk ba bawk ba)
How special you can be (Bawk bawk bawk ba ba ba)
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
A sad-faced Miss Piggy sighed and rubbed her arms. Then she slowly walked away from her friends:
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
If you cut me with a knife it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating
And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed
Miss Piggy sat back down where she sat before, her knees pulled to her chest and her head resting upon them. Janice sat down next to her:
The sole redeeming feature
From that little creature
Is that she's alive
Camilla also joined her:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Janice sang:
Overblown
Camilla walked in front of Miss Piggy and sang in a kind of lecturing voice:
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk bawk
Bawk ba bawk bawk bawk ba bawk ba bawk ba bawk
Another dismissive gesture from Janice:
Who cares?
Camilla imitated her:
Ba ba bawk bawk
Janice put her arms around Miss Piggy’s shoulders once again:
Overrated
Camilla stroked the pig’s arm with her wing:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Cailla and Janice sang a duet one last time:
If only he could see (Ba bawk ba bawk ba)
How special you can be (Bawk bawk bawk ba ba ba)
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
Miss Piggy sighed and stood up again. She walked over to the coffin-shaped bed and lay down:
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat, it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed
The three girls were met by Julie backstage, who congratulated them on their performance. Afterwards, Miss Piggy, Janice and Camilla left her to get changed. Walter arrived, dressed in very colorful clothes, while Kermit was on stage to announce him. Then the newest Muppet walked on stage to whistle Only A Dream. Kermit returned to the backstage area, where he only found Julie and Scooter, although the latter was as far away as possible from her. Maybe he still had that ringing noise in his ear.
“Hey, Kermit, I think it’s safe for you to go to apologize to her”, said Julie quietly. “I think she will forgive you. You are her favorite frog after all.”
“You think she will forgive me for saying that comment?”
Julie made a face that made her resemble Sam.
“That was a Rose Question. I already told you she will forgive you.”
When Kermit heard that, he dashed off to his pig’s dressing room. Julie watched him while smilingly shaking her head.
“What exactly is a Rose Question?”, someone behind her asked.
“Oh, it’s like a rhetorical question”, replied the German girl without turning around. “Everybody knows the answer, except the one who…”
Realization on who asked her hit her. Slowly, with eyes as large as saucers, she turned around and came face to face with Johnny Depp.
“… asked”, she finished off in a small voice.
Kermit took a deep breath before knocking at her door. Her answer came at once but he still felt like he waited an eternity.
“Who is it?”
“I-it’s me, Kermit. Can I talk to you?”
There was a moment of silent. This little moment gave the frog the impression she would send him away. Thankfully, this was not the case.
“Come in.”
Kermit took another deep breath before turning the door knob and entering. But he could not see her anywhere. Not in front of her mirror, not going through her clothes, nowhere at all.
“I’m behind the screen”, she told him. Inadvertently, he looked at the screen and took a step backwards.
“I c-could wait out-outside”, stammered Kermit, taking another step backwards.
“You can stay here. I need a teensy-weensy bit of help”, replied Miss Piggy. “Could you please come here?”
Kermit gulped as he slowly stepped forward to the screen, ready to put his hands over his eyes. To his relief she was still dressed in her costume. Her back was to him but she had turned her head to look at him. He saw she had tried to get the zipper open but it go stuck. Realizing this was why she needed a teensy-weensy bit of help; he got her zipper open with trembling hands and made a dash for the door. But behind it, he found Julie, her arms crossed and her eyes in slits.
“If you run away now, I’ll make sure you’re never gonna get any children”, she threatened in a calm voice which gave him the chills. Kermit slowly walked away from the door after he had closed it. He sat down on the chair and leaned back on the table, inadvertently looking at the screen every now and then. Her head, still made-up, poked out.
“I’m going to wash the make-up off, and then we can talk, okay?”, she said in an overly cheerful voice.
“Okay.”
Miss Piggy, clad in a bathrobe, walked past him to her small bathroom. A few minutes later he could hear the water running. Few things ran through Kermit’s mind as he sat there and waited for her. Did she torture him on purpose? Who was going to conclude the show if a certain German girl prevented him from leaving? Would she really do what she threatened? Would anyone notice if he snatched one of the cookies that had not been eaten by the girls, particularly Miss Piggy and Julie? Carefully, he stood up and took one chocolate-chip cookie. He listened to the water running and looked around the room while eating the cookie. Kermit noticed a picture of him and Miss Piggy, wearing a green silk gown, opera gloves of a darker shade and a green headband decorated with a pink flower in her partially up hair. They both sat on a bench and he saw a school in the background. He took the framed photo in his hand and recognized the moment at once but he could not remember anyone taking a picture of it. Then again, when he studied the picture he noticed he was too absorbed with looking at Miss Piggy to notice anything around him. But he found he liked the photo. He had to ask her where she got it. The bathroom door opened as he put it back on the table and Miss Piggy emerged. Her hair was damp from the water. She sat down cross-legged on the chair opposite of him and brushed her hair. For a moment, Kermit forgot what he was going to say.
“Well, what did you want to talk about?”, her voice was now all-business, despite the way she was dressed, and held no cheerfulness.
“I’m here to apologize for my comment earlier. We’ve been separated for so long I think I forgot how much you hate pig puns and jokes”, Kermit apologized. His eyes, full of sincerity, never strayed away from hers.
“But the gang’s back together for a year by now”, she pointed out.
“Yeah, but I think I was foolish to believe I would be spared… Forgive me?”
Miss Piggy regarded him for a moment with her lips pursed. Then she uncrossed her arms and said:
“I’ll forgive you.”
Kermit smiled upon hearing this and moved to give her a hug but the next thing she said made him stop.
“Who allowed you to eat a cookie?”
He was confused of how she knew that. Did she count them before he arrived? Miss Piggy pointed at the corner of his mouth and when he looked in the mirror, he saw there was a little bit of chocolate. He wiped it off.
“I thought no one would mind”, he explained sheepishly smiling. This time, Miss Piggy chuckled.
“Next time, make sure to not leave any traces.”
Kermit let out a chuckle, too, and then took the photo in his hand once again.
“Say, where’d you get it?”
“Oh, Julie took the photo and gave it to me while I was getting changed for our performance with Johnny Depp. She said she’s going to come over tomorrow to show us the photos.”
“Great”, Kermit commented and put the picture on the table. “How about dinner, just the two of us?”
“I’d love to.”
“Okay, then get ready. I’ll get you when everything else is done.”
Kermit stood up and left the dressing room.
He was met by Johnny Depp immediately.
“I think something’s wrong with your assistance. She hasn’t moved since I gave her the autograph she asked for”, he said. Kermit looked over to where Julie stood. She stood on the other side of the room and looked open-mouthed at the autograph in her hands. Apparently, she did not seem to notice Beauregard poking her with a mop and Swedish Chef poking her with a spatula. Scooter appeared next to their guest.
“I think you broke her, Mister Depp.”
“Does anyone have an idea how to repair her?”, asked a befuddled Kermit.
“I think I know something”, said Scooter before shouting across the room: “Julie, Swedish Chef is going to make to make crêpes tomorrow!”
That did its magic. Julie looked up from the autograph and shouted back:
“Cool, save me some! I want mine with Nutella!”
Kermit and Scooter laughed.
After everything was tidied up and every essential thing had been discussed, they all went home. Except Kermit and Miss Piggy. He knocked at her dressing room door and when she opened he gallantly offered her his arm. The pig dressed in an elegant black dress linked her arms with his and both walked off into the night.
The End
No celebrities were harmed in making of this story. At least I hope so.
Enjoy
The First Show After The Vacation
Vacation time was over and it was once again time for another show. Old props and backgrounds were taken out to see if they could be used, new ones were made, scripts were written or rewritten and of course there was a big amount of rehearsals. Muppets ran all over the theater, going over their script or asking Kermit for changes. In case they could not find him, they asked either Scooter or Julie to convince him to change something. Kermit, Scooter and Julie were busy overseeing that everything went well. Although the German girl had caught a cold and had not returned to work until the day of the show.
“Hey, who’s the guest star this week anyway?”, wondered Julie aloud as she helped Scooter carrying some props.
“Johnny Depp”, said the go-fer nonchalantly. The props he carried suddenly became heavier. He turned around to see the reason; Julie had stopped walking, her arms still in same position as if she carried something. Her lower jaw had dropped and her eyes were large. She looked like she had seen a ghost. Scooter carefully approached her. Then without warning, she squealed in a high-pitched, shrill voice:
“Johnny Depp!?”
Scooter squirmed at her outburst, while several Muppets came to see if a bat was here somewhere. Seeing none, they went on with their business. Scooter, meanwhile, swore the ringing noise in his ear would never really go away. He rubbed his ear with while a sheepish smiling Julie took the props once more.
“Sorry.”
“I’ll send you the bill for the hearing aid device I’m going to need now.”
“Was there a bat somewhere backstage?”, asked Kermit when Scooter and Julie arrived with the props. Scooter simply pointed at Julie and rubbed his ear once more. The girl nervously grinned before going to Sweetums to help him preparing the stage. Kermit looked at her and then at Scooter in confusion. The go-fer, however, said nothing about this. He simply helped setting everything up, too, although he made a point of not getting anywhere near Julie again. Kermit decided to not let it bother him as he supervised the setting up. Soon, a barbershop set, the same one as from the telethon, was on stage.
“It looks terrific”, he said. “Is everyone ready?”
“Yes, boss”, confirmed Scooter, who left them to get the guest star. Then the theme song for The New Muppet Show started. When it was over, Kermit appeared in front of the curtain.
“Hello and welcome to The New Muppet Show! We have a great show prepared for you with today’s guest star… Johnny Depp!”, announced Kermit. “And now, let’s get back to the ol’ days down at the barbershop!”
Kermit left the stage as the curtain opened.
Johnny Depp entered the barbershop and was immediately greeted by Sam, Beaker, Rowlf and Link, all four of them donning their barbershop attires.
“What can I do for you today, sir?”, asked the eagle.
“Stylish trimming of the hair?”, asked Link.
“Soothing skin massage?”, offered Rowlf.
“Mee mee moo”, added Beaker, gesturing to the chair. Johnny Depp did so and answered:
“Fetch the pomade and pumice stone and lend me a more seductive tone. A sprinkling perhaps of French cologne but first, sirs, I think a shave.”
He then looked at the audience and added:
“As long as it’s nowhere underneath the chin.”
The four Muppets took their equipments and started to sing a barbershop quartet version of Pretty Women.
After the song ended, the barbers removed to towel to reveal their guest’s new appearance. His face was now very pale and his hair was black with a white streak and tussled. He gave the audience a creepy smirk as he produced a razor.
The barbershop quarter and Johnny Depp went backstage, where Kermit congratulated them on their great performance. Julie turned into a pillar of salt when she saw the actor. As he briefly glanced in her direction, her face started to imitate a tomato. It was only after Kermit announced Fozzie and said bear went to the stage when she recovered. Thinking she would never survive this show, she skimmed through her own clipboard and seeing Johnny Depp, Sweetums, Kermit and Miss Piggy were next. Then she decided to watch Fozzie’s act:
“Boy, have I got a great number for you today! You’re gonna love it!”
“You’re not gonna do a number?”, heckled Waldorf.
“Aw, c’mon. Can’t you give me a break?”, whined Fozzie, throwing his arms to his side. Statler and Waldorf looked at each other, then at him and replied: “No! D'oh-ho-ho!”
Fozzie shook his head in exasperation and began telling his jokes:
“Who can shave twenty-five times a day and still have a beard? A barber! Aaaaah! Wocka, wocka, wocka! Oh, wait. I’ve got something else. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.”
“And you’re a weapon for joke disruption!”, shouted Statler.
“Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spent years at C! Get it? Wocka! Wocka!”
“Pirates are still with it than you are with telling jokes!”
“Aw, that is just below the belt!”
“You don’t even wear a belt!”
“Ah well… Why are pirates called pirates? They just aRRRRRRRR!”
“That was dumb”, commented Waldorf.
“Yes, it was”, agreed Statler. Fozzie thanked the audience and left the stage only to reappear a moment later:
“Kermit asked me to introduce the next number, seeing that he is performing in the next number. So, now enjoy Kermit, Miss Piggy and Johnny Depp together in an act!”
Now he left the stage for real.
The curtain opened to reveal a pirate ship. Miss Piggy watched the passing scenery. She wore a gold and white lace dress. Its sides were decorated by floral patterns while the front of the upper part was ornate by rather abstracting patterns. At the helm of the ship was Johnny Depp. His outfit consisted of long sea boots, long linen trousers and a long brown coat. Around his waist was a red sash tied. Furthermore, he wore a shorter faded blue waistcoat and a torn white undershirt. On his head was a red bandanna, which was decorated by little trinkets. His hair was in dreadlocks style and he had a goatee. On his head was a faded black tricorne. Four rings decorated his hands. As he steered his ship, he sang under his breath:
We’re devils and black sheep, we’re really bad eggs
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho
High on top of the mast was Kermit, keeping watch on potentially dangerous things. His outfit was identical to Johnny Depp’s. Miss Piggy called him down to get some grub. Kermit hopped from the mast to the rope and slid down. With a kind smile, Miss Piggy handed him some bread, some water and fruits. While he ate, she walked over to the captain of the ship to hand him his food. After he had taken it, she walked back to Kermit. But, to everyone’s surprise and shock, the ship toppled and a large brown creature made a grab for Miss Piggy. She struggled and struggled but could not free herself. Kermit and Johnny Depp tried to help but were powerless against the big powerful Sweetums.
“Let me go”, exclaimed Miss Piggy.
“Hey, calm down now”, said Sweetums in a reassuring voice, which made the other three stop. “I’m jus’ here to get an autograph from Johnny Depp.”
“Why didn’t you just ask and why did you grab me?”, asked Miss Piggy, looking skeptical.
“You didn’t give me the chance to and you were goin’ to trip.”
“Alright, mate. Kermit here’s going to get a pen, I will give you an autograph and then you leave without her. We still need her. She’s the only one who can cook”, said Johnny Depp while Kermit went to retrieve a pen. Miss Piggy glared at her captain when he made the last comment. When the frog returned with a pen, Sweetums let Miss Piggy go and Johnny Depp gave him and autograph. He thanked him and hopped overboard. Now that he was gone, the sow angrily approached the captain:
“So, I’m just your cook?”, she said in a deep voice. Not giving him a chance to explain himself, she karate-chopped him. Kermit gulped when she looked at him and took a step backwards.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great addition for the crew in many ways.”
“That’s more I like it”, Miss Piggy smirked.
The act ended and Kermit quickly announced the next one (“And now singing and dancing chickens.”) before following Miss Piggy and Johnny Depp backstage. Camilla and the other chickens appeared on stage, dressed in flashy clothing. Rowlf accompanied them on piano as they clucked Remains of The Day.
“I don’t think Danny Elfman ever expected chickens to sing one of his songs”, remarked Julie but she was smiling.
“Well, it was either that or Wonka’s Welcome Song”, said Kermit.
“I think I would die of laughter if they would sing that one instead”, chuckled Julie. “But stop giving me the urge to watch Charlie And The Chocolate Factory again. I ate my last bar of chocolate just before the show. Oh and by the way, you looked cute in your costume.”
“Gee, thank you. Did you like our act, too?”
“Oh, I liked it. But I think it should’ve been longer and it needed more Johnny Depp.”
Kermit stared at her when she said the last comment but decided to let it slide.
“Well, to be honest, I was surprised about Miss Piggy’s performance. She’s normally very hammy and would hog the limelight”, commented Kermit. Unbeknownst to him, said pig had just arrived and she was less than pleased about the last part.
“Would vous care to repeat that?”, she said in a dangerously calm voice. Kermit froze upon hearing her and, fearing for incoming injuries, slowly turned around to face her. Eyes narrowed and mouth formed to a straight line, she looked very dangerous.
“Uh hi, Piggy.”
Kermit suddenly found himself being hurled on stage, where the chickens coincidentally finished their act. He recovered from her attack, holding his stomach. Scooter quickly came to his aid.
“Chief, are you alright?”
“Yeah”, answered Kermit, rubbing his stomach. He wondered whether it would leave a mark. Turning to the audience, he announced At The Dance.
Backstage, everything was normal. At least, as normal as it could get in such a Muppety environment. Fozzie annoyed the others by telling random jokes; the Swedish chased a random chicken. Miss Piggy was still displeased about Kermit’s “hammy” and “hog” comment; Walter felt nervous about his act for he felt the song was difficult for him and had not practiced enough. Scooter tried to calm him down and was actually doing a good job. Walter started to feel confident that he would do great but nevertheless decided to practice some more. Kermit was in his office, looking at the bruise he had received. Rowlf was with him.
“You really shouldn’t have said that”, advised the dog. “You know how she can get.”
“Yeah but I didn’t think she would be that mad…”, Kermit paused as he thought over his statement was more. “Then again, she’s always like this with pig jokes and puns.”
Kermit looked at his long-time friend. Rowlf did not need to say anything, his face said it all.
“I guess I better talk to her”, said Kermit and made his way to the door. He was stopped, however, by Rowlf who put a paw on his shoulder.
“Julie, Janice and Camilla are trying to calm her down now. Better wait for a while”, the dog advised. Kermit thought it would be better to do what his friend said. He really did not want to interrupt the four girls talking. For now, he simply had to trust Janice, Camilla and Julie.
Meanwhile, Miss Piggy was in her dressing room to get changed for her performance. Julie, Janice, Camilla and a make-up artist were with her. Camilla was also dressed for the act, while Julie was the dressed in her regular blue-colored clothes and Janice in a rosé-colored shirt and royal blue skirt. She would later get changed. Miss Piggy needed more time to get ready because her role needed a considerable amount of make-up. To pass time, the other girls ate muffins and cookies.
“Come on, don’t be mad at him”, said Julie as she made grab for yet another cookie. “It was a poor choice of words on his part.”
“Yeah, but he, like, should rully say sorry”, added Janice with Camilla clucked in agreement. Miss Piggy appeared from behind the screen and sat down in front of her mirror. She seemed to have calmed down a little. At least, she was not shaking in anger and glaring anymore while the make-up artist applied make-up on the sow.
“Um, Janice… I think it’s time for you to go”, said Julie after a quick glance at her clipboard and then at her watch. Right on cue, there was a knock and Floyd’s voice saying:
“Janice, babe, it’s time for our gig.”
“Comin’!”
Janice left. Miss Piggy took a muffin while Julie, who was also eating one, was thinking about something to say. But nothing came to her mind. It was easier the last time Miss Piggy was mad at Kermit. After all, Julie could tell her why he made this decision to cancel her act. This time, she could not help. This time he said something wrong; he would have to reconcile with her on his own.
The Electric Mayhem’s rendition of Violet Beauregarde was well-received by the audience. They had long since left the stage and everything was set up for the Talk Spot. Kermit sat atop the wall, just like he did in the old show back then. It felt kind of weird being seated there was once again after all these years. Memories of each guest star, some still alive and some parted from this world, flooded his mind. Now, new stars would come to the show every week, stars of today. Just like Johnny Depp.
“You know, I was once a lizard, too”, he said. “Only I was a chameleon and I worked as a sheriff.”
“That’s great, but I’m a frog”, replied Kermit, his feet dangling from the wall. “Did you have any troubles while you were a sheriff?”
“In fact, I did. The town had a very limited supply of water and it didn’t help it was terrorized by a snake. Funnily enough, he sounded just like someone I know from my pirate days.”
“So, you were a chameleon sheriff and a pirate. What sorts of profession did you also have?”
“Well, I once made garden sculptures and cut people’s hair in a small town, it didn’t last long. Then I solved a murder case. It wasn’t pretty, the victims were all decapitated. I was also a barber for a short time. I owned a chocolate factory and I was a hatter.”
“Gee, that’s a lot.”
“Yeah, but my friend was always with me.”
“Yeah, it’s always good to have friend with you”, said Kermit, his eyes glazed over as he thought about his friends. “Even if you sometimes have fights with them.”
“Like you and Miss Piggy?”, Johnny Depp inquired.
“Yeah. I guess I made a poor choice of words”, the frog replied, to which his guest did not disagree. “I forgot how explosive-”
Whatever Kermit said, it was drowned by an explosion and a cackling Crazy Harry appearing out of nowhere.
Kermit’s lower jaw dropped upon seeing the girls emerging from Miss Piggy’s dressing room. Camilla wore a black dress, decorated with fake spider webs and spiders. Janice wore a tattered bilious green dress. But Miss Piggy’s costume was the one Kermit impressed the most. It was a wedding dress, torn and tattered in various places and completed with a wedding ring. Her make-up made her look like she was dead but not in a way to be scared or disgusted. Although she did look a little creepy. Miss Piggy smirked about the effect her costume had on Kermit.
“Kermit, close your mouth if you don’t want any flies to fly in”, smirked Julie. She gave off a nonchalant shrug and added: “Although, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind.”
Julie laughed when he abruptly closed his mouth and the other girls went to the stage.
The stage was dimly lit, only showing a gothic-styled bedroom and a lit fireplace. Fake cobwebs hung all over the place. Miss Piggy sat with her back to the fire, looking miserably at her feet. Janice put a comforting had on her shoulder while Camilla stroked her hands.
“C’mon, he didn’t mean it fer sure”, said Janice.
“And what if he does? She is prettier than me and…”, Miss Piggy broke off and she sighed sadly. Camilla and Janice looked at each other in concern before the latter kneeled down in front of Miss Piggy and made her look at her:
“But you got so much more. You got, like, a wonderful personality.”
When the porcine still looked so forlorn, she began to sing:
What does that wispy little brat have that you don't have double?
Camilla joined her in:
Bawk bawk bawk ba bawk ba ba bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk
Miss Piggy turned away from her friends; her arms crossed, and huffed:
How about a pulse?
Janice walked in front of her and made a dismissive gesture:
Overrated by a mile
Camilla followed her:
Ba bawk bawk ba
Janice added:
Overblown
Both stood once again in front of Miss Piggy, blocking her view to the fireplace. Janice, kneeled down once again, had her arm around Camilla while she had her wing around her:
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
Camilla pointed at the ring on the sow’s finger:
Bwk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk ba bawk
Janice stood up as she sang:
And she doesn't play piano
Both girls did a little dance when they sang in duet:
Or dance (Ba bawk ba)
Janice sang a solo when Miss Piggy stood up:
Or sing
Janice and Camilla did not move away from their spots as they watched their friend walking around the room:
No she doesn't compare (Ba ba bawk bawk bawk)
Miss Piggy stopped and turned around to look at them as she sang the next line an exasperated but hurt voice:
But she still breathes air
Camilla shrugged:
Ba bawk?
Janice did another dismissive gesture.
Unimportant
Camilla trotted after Miss Piggy:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Janice followed the two of them:
Overblown
They stood side by side as Camilla and Janice continued to sing:
If only he could see (Ba bawk ba bawk ba)
How special you can be (Bawk bawk bawk ba ba ba)
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
A sad-faced Miss Piggy sighed and rubbed her arms. Then she slowly walked away from her friends:
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
If you cut me with a knife it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating
And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed
Miss Piggy sat back down where she sat before, her knees pulled to her chest and her head resting upon them. Janice sat down next to her:
The sole redeeming feature
From that little creature
Is that she's alive
Camilla also joined her:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Janice sang:
Overblown
Camilla walked in front of Miss Piggy and sang in a kind of lecturing voice:
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk ba bawk bawk bawk
Bawk ba bawk bawk bawk ba bawk ba bawk ba bawk
Another dismissive gesture from Janice:
Who cares?
Camilla imitated her:
Ba ba bawk bawk
Janice put her arms around Miss Piggy’s shoulders once again:
Overrated
Camilla stroked the pig’s arm with her wing:
Ba bawk bawk bawk
Cailla and Janice sang a duet one last time:
If only he could see (Ba bawk ba bawk ba)
How special you can be (Bawk bawk bawk ba ba ba)
If he only knew the you that we know (Ba ba bawk bawk ba ba bawk ba bawk)
Miss Piggy sighed and stood up again. She walked over to the coffin-shaped bed and lay down:
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat, it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed
The three girls were met by Julie backstage, who congratulated them on their performance. Afterwards, Miss Piggy, Janice and Camilla left her to get changed. Walter arrived, dressed in very colorful clothes, while Kermit was on stage to announce him. Then the newest Muppet walked on stage to whistle Only A Dream. Kermit returned to the backstage area, where he only found Julie and Scooter, although the latter was as far away as possible from her. Maybe he still had that ringing noise in his ear.
“Hey, Kermit, I think it’s safe for you to go to apologize to her”, said Julie quietly. “I think she will forgive you. You are her favorite frog after all.”
“You think she will forgive me for saying that comment?”
Julie made a face that made her resemble Sam.
“That was a Rose Question. I already told you she will forgive you.”
When Kermit heard that, he dashed off to his pig’s dressing room. Julie watched him while smilingly shaking her head.
“What exactly is a Rose Question?”, someone behind her asked.
“Oh, it’s like a rhetorical question”, replied the German girl without turning around. “Everybody knows the answer, except the one who…”
Realization on who asked her hit her. Slowly, with eyes as large as saucers, she turned around and came face to face with Johnny Depp.
“… asked”, she finished off in a small voice.
Kermit took a deep breath before knocking at her door. Her answer came at once but he still felt like he waited an eternity.
“Who is it?”
“I-it’s me, Kermit. Can I talk to you?”
There was a moment of silent. This little moment gave the frog the impression she would send him away. Thankfully, this was not the case.
“Come in.”
Kermit took another deep breath before turning the door knob and entering. But he could not see her anywhere. Not in front of her mirror, not going through her clothes, nowhere at all.
“I’m behind the screen”, she told him. Inadvertently, he looked at the screen and took a step backwards.
“I c-could wait out-outside”, stammered Kermit, taking another step backwards.
“You can stay here. I need a teensy-weensy bit of help”, replied Miss Piggy. “Could you please come here?”
Kermit gulped as he slowly stepped forward to the screen, ready to put his hands over his eyes. To his relief she was still dressed in her costume. Her back was to him but she had turned her head to look at him. He saw she had tried to get the zipper open but it go stuck. Realizing this was why she needed a teensy-weensy bit of help; he got her zipper open with trembling hands and made a dash for the door. But behind it, he found Julie, her arms crossed and her eyes in slits.
“If you run away now, I’ll make sure you’re never gonna get any children”, she threatened in a calm voice which gave him the chills. Kermit slowly walked away from the door after he had closed it. He sat down on the chair and leaned back on the table, inadvertently looking at the screen every now and then. Her head, still made-up, poked out.
“I’m going to wash the make-up off, and then we can talk, okay?”, she said in an overly cheerful voice.
“Okay.”
Miss Piggy, clad in a bathrobe, walked past him to her small bathroom. A few minutes later he could hear the water running. Few things ran through Kermit’s mind as he sat there and waited for her. Did she torture him on purpose? Who was going to conclude the show if a certain German girl prevented him from leaving? Would she really do what she threatened? Would anyone notice if he snatched one of the cookies that had not been eaten by the girls, particularly Miss Piggy and Julie? Carefully, he stood up and took one chocolate-chip cookie. He listened to the water running and looked around the room while eating the cookie. Kermit noticed a picture of him and Miss Piggy, wearing a green silk gown, opera gloves of a darker shade and a green headband decorated with a pink flower in her partially up hair. They both sat on a bench and he saw a school in the background. He took the framed photo in his hand and recognized the moment at once but he could not remember anyone taking a picture of it. Then again, when he studied the picture he noticed he was too absorbed with looking at Miss Piggy to notice anything around him. But he found he liked the photo. He had to ask her where she got it. The bathroom door opened as he put it back on the table and Miss Piggy emerged. Her hair was damp from the water. She sat down cross-legged on the chair opposite of him and brushed her hair. For a moment, Kermit forgot what he was going to say.
“Well, what did you want to talk about?”, her voice was now all-business, despite the way she was dressed, and held no cheerfulness.
“I’m here to apologize for my comment earlier. We’ve been separated for so long I think I forgot how much you hate pig puns and jokes”, Kermit apologized. His eyes, full of sincerity, never strayed away from hers.
“But the gang’s back together for a year by now”, she pointed out.
“Yeah, but I think I was foolish to believe I would be spared… Forgive me?”
Miss Piggy regarded him for a moment with her lips pursed. Then she uncrossed her arms and said:
“I’ll forgive you.”
Kermit smiled upon hearing this and moved to give her a hug but the next thing she said made him stop.
“Who allowed you to eat a cookie?”
He was confused of how she knew that. Did she count them before he arrived? Miss Piggy pointed at the corner of his mouth and when he looked in the mirror, he saw there was a little bit of chocolate. He wiped it off.
“I thought no one would mind”, he explained sheepishly smiling. This time, Miss Piggy chuckled.
“Next time, make sure to not leave any traces.”
Kermit let out a chuckle, too, and then took the photo in his hand once again.
“Say, where’d you get it?”
“Oh, Julie took the photo and gave it to me while I was getting changed for our performance with Johnny Depp. She said she’s going to come over tomorrow to show us the photos.”
“Great”, Kermit commented and put the picture on the table. “How about dinner, just the two of us?”
“I’d love to.”
“Okay, then get ready. I’ll get you when everything else is done.”
Kermit stood up and left the dressing room.
He was met by Johnny Depp immediately.
“I think something’s wrong with your assistance. She hasn’t moved since I gave her the autograph she asked for”, he said. Kermit looked over to where Julie stood. She stood on the other side of the room and looked open-mouthed at the autograph in her hands. Apparently, she did not seem to notice Beauregard poking her with a mop and Swedish Chef poking her with a spatula. Scooter appeared next to their guest.
“I think you broke her, Mister Depp.”
“Does anyone have an idea how to repair her?”, asked a befuddled Kermit.
“I think I know something”, said Scooter before shouting across the room: “Julie, Swedish Chef is going to make to make crêpes tomorrow!”
That did its magic. Julie looked up from the autograph and shouted back:
“Cool, save me some! I want mine with Nutella!”
Kermit and Scooter laughed.
After everything was tidied up and every essential thing had been discussed, they all went home. Except Kermit and Miss Piggy. He knocked at her dressing room door and when she opened he gallantly offered her his arm. The pig dressed in an elegant black dress linked her arms with his and both walked off into the night.
The End
No celebrities were harmed in making of this story. At least I hope so.
