Stupid writer's block.
Kermit and Piggy are taking a leisurely stroll along the sidewalk, holding hands and enjoying the moonlight.
KERMIT
Y’know…
PIGGY
Hmm?
KERMIT
Robin was right, I really needed this.
A chance to get away from all the pressure of my life.
Unbeknownst to them, Steve is fast approaching.
KERMIT
(CONT’D)
It feels like all my cares are drifting away on the breeze.
Steve attacks! He gives Piggy a swift shove, throws the sack over Kermit and books it! Before Piggy can even recover, let alone process what just happened, Steve is already back in the car and driving off.
CUT TO
Bobo is holding onto a squirming sack full of Kermit, while Steve drives like a maniac.
BOBO
Well, that was easy.
STEVE
The first thing I’m going to tell the boss when
we get back is that his plans need serious simplifying.
CUT TO
Piggy is trying in vain to catch up with the fleeing car, shouting at it as she runs:
PIGGY
Hey! Bring back my frog! Bring him back! You!
The car vanishes into the distance.
PIGGY
(BREAKING DOWN)
(PANT) KERMIT! (PANT) COME BACK! (PANT) KERMIT!
After a few minutes of fruitless effort, she is finally forced to give up the chase and stops to catch her breath, standing in a moonbeam, framed by the shadows of two trees. She looks around. The moonlight, which before seemed bright and romantic, now seems harsh and cold. The score also takes a turn, sounding hopeless and delicate.
PIGGY
(WHIMPERS)
Kermie.
CUT TO
A CLOSE UP of the phone on the table in the Muppet house, it rings loudly. And again. And again.
All around, the sounds of chaos still reign. Fozzie rushes up to the phone, sopping wet and in obvious distress. He rings out is tie, straightens it and answers the phone.
FOZZIE
Muppet residence, Fozzie Bear speaking.
Over the phone comes the sound of Miss Piggy muttering incomprehensively between sobs. Fozzie’s whole body stiffens as she goes on.
FOZZIE
(LOUDLY)
WHAT?
Around him, the entire house falls into a tense silence. Out of the living room, Gonzo and Robin cautiously approach.
FOZZIE
How did this happen? (BEAT)
Well, what’re we gonna do? (BEAT)
Okay. (BEAT) Okay.
With a GULP, Fozzie hangs up the phone and slowly adjusts his tie.
ROBIN
What happened?
Fozzie is having a hard time looking Robin in the eyes.
FOZZIE
(DISBELIEF)
Ker…Kermit’s been kidnapped.
Gonzo and Robin stare at each other, then Fozzie, in shock.
CUT TO
INT: HOTEL OFFICE - NIGHT
Piggy hangs up the phone with a sniffle and turns to Harold and Tanya. Both look deeply concerned at what has transpired.
CUT TO
INT: ? - ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER
CU of the sack that Kermit is trapped in. Bobo’s paw reaches in and yanks the bag away, revealing Kermit is now tied to a chair. PULL BACK slightly to reveal that they are in a dank and dirty WAREHOUSE. Steve and Bobo flank either side of Kermit’s chair.
KERMIT
What’s going on here?
Right on cue, the obligatory ‘enormous silhouette light’ ignites, causing Kermit to flinch and Steve and Bobo to each dawn a pair of sunglasses.
FIGURE
(OS)
A very good question, Mr. Frog.
CUT TO
AN OPPOSITE ANGLE. Behind Kermit’s chair, all that can be seen of the Figure is his silhouette against the bright light, clichéd adventure movie-style.
FIGURE
(CONT’D)
Which I shall answer with one of my own.
What do you think is going on here?
KERMIT
If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked.
BOBO
H-he’s got a point there, boss.
STEVE
Yeah, the question usually denotes that
the asker does not know what is going on.
The figure steps out of the light, massaging his temples. For the first time we get a good look at him.
He is a man in his early forties, with salt-and-pepper hair that is mostly hidden by a black hat and a slim, angular face, frame and a long coat that are typical of Hollywood villains. His expression tells us all we need to know about his relationship with his henchmen.
FIGURE
(SINGSONG)
If I had a bigger budget, I wouldn’t have to deal with this.
The Figure quickly regains his composure and attitude. The light dims and we begin to see the surroundings clearly for the first time.
FIGURE
Well, Mr. Frog, I will tell you where you are.
You are in my lair, a secret location at the farthest reaches of the planet!
Kermit looks around.
KERMIT
It looks more like an abandoned warehouse.
FIGURE
(MENACINGLY)
A SECRET abandoned warehouse at the
farthest reaches of the planet!
After a few moments of silence, Steve breaks the ice.
STEVE
Boss, you’re not fooling anyone. He
knows that we haven't left the island.
FIGURE
(SIGHS)
Alright, we're at a secret abandoned
warehouse at the farthest reaches of the island.
BOBO
Actually...
FIGURE
STOP! Just, stop.
The Figure begins to pace around, muttering. Steve, Bobo and Kermit all exchange confused glances.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all and good Holiday Season.
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