The Muppet Christmas Show!

[ZeppoAndFriends]

This gets fuunier and funnier with each new segment

What does 'fuunier' mean? I hope it means you like it.

 

[unclematt]

What does 'fuunier' mean? I hope it means you like it.

Sorry I cant type

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

Ho! Ho! Ho! Who wouldn't go? Up on the house top, click, click, click, down through the chimney with:

The Muppet Christmas Show!
Part 5​

Kermit stands behind his desk, going over papers and beginning to freak out. Scooter runs by and Kermit stops him.
　

KERMIT
Scooter, where’s Piggy?

　
SCOOTER
She just called from the
airport and she’s on her way.

　
KERMIT
She better get here soon,
Veterinarian’s Hospital is next.

　​

As if waiting for it’s cue, the door flies open and in blows a flurry of snow. Out of the magical cloud MISS PIGGY emerges, wearing a sparkling white gown.
　

PIGGY​

Joyeux Noël​

! I’m here!

　​

Kermit rushes over to her and begins herding her towards the stairs.
　

KERMIT
Well, you need to be up there
getting into your costume!
You’re on next!

　
PIGGY
Don’t I get my Christmas
kissy, kissy?

　
KERMIT
Later! Now you need to be
getting ready for Veterinarian’s
Hospital!

　
PIGGY
You promise.

　
KERMIT
(Flailing his arms)
Yes, yes! Just go and get ready!

　
PIGGY
I love it when you’re aggressive.​

Piggy sweeps up the stairs and into her dressing room.
　

KERMIT
(TO CAMERA)
The frog hath sealed his
doom for the sake of the audience.
I hope they appreciate it.

　​

DISSOLVE TO​

The Vet’s Hospital set remains unchanged for the sheer fact that you can’t decorate an operating room. But, that doesn’t stop ROWLF as DOCTOR BOB and NURSE JANICE from getting in the holiday spirit. They dance around as the traditional organ music turns into an instrumental rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’. The patient on the table is covered, but is a lot bigger than they normally are.
　

NARRATOR
Time once again for Veterinarian’s
Hospital. The continuing sto-o-ory of a
quack who’s gone to the dogs.

　​

At the last second, Nurse Piggy rushes through the doors and up to the table. She brushes the hair away from her face.
　

PIGGY
(CLEARS THROAT)
The next patient is ready,
Doctor Bob.

　
ROWLF
I know that. The question
is, is the nurse ready?

　
PIGGY
Of course, Doctor Bob.

　
ROWLF
(TO JANICE)
Are you ready?

　
JANICE
Fer sure, Doctor Bob.


ROWLF
Am I ready?

　
PIGGY & JANICE
We don’t know. Are you?

　
ROWLF
No. But that’s never stopped
me before!

　
ALL
(LAUGH)

　
ROWLF
Well, let’s just see who it is.

　​

Rowlf yanks back the sheet revealing the still unconscious Gerald.
　

ALL
(SHOCKED & CONFUSED)
Santa Claus?

　
PIGGY
What is Santa Claus doing here?

　
ROWLF
Maybe he’s Claus-traphobic!

　
JANICE
But, that’s not a physical
problem, it’s a mental one.

　
ROWLF
Well, that explains what he’s
doing here!

　​

Rowlf tugs on Gerald beard and notices something.
　

ROWLF
Hey! This beard is fake! I can’t
operate on someone with a fake
beard!


PIGGY
Why not?

　
ROWLF
Um…uh…huh, I must be slipping.
I can’t think of anything.
But, still, we must remove the
beard before operating!

　​

Rowlf takes the beard off, revealing Gerald’s face for the first time.
　

PIGGY
Whoa, mama! He’s a hunk!

　
JANICE
A hunk of what?

　
ROWLF
A hunk-a, hunk-a burning love!

　
JANICE
Like, wow, you really are slipping,
that one wasn’t even Christmas
related.

　
ROWLF
What do you expect from me?
I’ve been out of practice!

　
PIGGY
Where did you go?

　
ROWLF
It took a trip.

　
PIGGY
Where?

　
ROWLF
Down the stairs!

　
ALL
(LAUGH)

NARRATOR
So, Doctor Bob is out of
practice. Tune in next week
when you’ll hear Nurse Janice say…

　
JANICE
Like, what are we going to
do about him?

　
ROWLF
How should I know!
I’m just the doctor!

　​

CUT TO

　​

INT: BALCONY
　
Statler and Waldorf sit in the balcony, quietly observing the show.
　

STATLER
I notice you awful quiet tonight.

　
WALDORF
I was just thinking.

　
STATLER
About what?

　
WALDORF
That there might just be such
a thing as Christmas magic.

　
STATLER
Why’s that?

　
WALDORF
Their wish must have come
true! I can’t think of anything
to complain about.

　
STATLER
That’s not magic!
You’re just losing your touch.​

CUT TO

　​

The trash can of OSCAR THE GROUCH sits center stage surrounded by babbling babies who are busy covering it in tinsel garland. Oscar pops up out of his can and looks around at the babies.
　

OSCAR
What are you doing?

　
BABY #1
Decorating your trash can.

　
OSCAR
Well, stop it!

　
BABY #1
Why?

　
OSCAR
Because I hate Christmas!

　
BABY #2
Why do you hate Christmas?

　
OSCAR
Because I’m a grouch!

　
BABY #3
He sure is.

　​

The babies continue with their decorating.
　

OSCAR
(SIGHS)
Would you stop if I told
You a Christmas story?

　​

The babies stop and consider his proposition for a few moments. Then they begin to bounce up and down.
　

BABIES
Story! Story! Story!

OSCAR
Fine.

　​

Oscar disappears into his can and reappears with a tattered, old story book.
　

OSCAR
Here it is. A special grouch
Christmas story.

　​

The babies continue bouncing up and down.

　
BABIES
Story! Story! Story! Story!

　
OSCAR
Quiet, pacifier breath!
Or there won’t be a story!

　​

The babies stop bouncing.
　

OSCAR
That’s better.

　​

Oscar opens the book and flips through a couple of pages.
　

OSCAR
Here it is. ‘The Grouch That
Hated Christmas’ By Phineas Sludge.
Once upon a time, there was a grouch named
Otto and he hated Christmas.
He hated the lights hung up on the tree.
He hated the carolers who never stopped singing.
He hated the gift giving.
He hated the warm and fuzzy feeling
that all the people around him had.
He hated the candy canes and Christmas cookies.
The only thing he liked about this crummy holiday
was the lump of coal he would always find
on Christmas morning in his stocking.
The end.

　
BABY
What kind of a Christmas story
is that?


OSCAR
A grouch Christmas story.

　
BABY
It was horrible.

　
OSCAR
Thank you, now SCRAM!

　​

Oscar retreats into his can and the babies look at each other, disappointed and confused. They then attack the can, tipping it over and rolling it offstage.

Next Week: Penguins, Ernie and Bert and a Christmas Miracle​

 

[unclematt]

I love how you have infused all aspects of the Muppet world. We need a fraggle sketch and then this could be at the same caliber as Muppet Family Christmas

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

I love how you have infused all aspects of the Muppet world. We need a Fraggle sketch and then this could be at the same caliber as Muppet Family Christmas

Alas! I have not seen enough of 'Fraggle Rock' to feel safe writing for the characters. So a Fraggle sketch is naught but a wishful hope.

(Unless you'd like to write one that I could put in, that is.)

 

[unclematt]

Alas! I have not seen enough of 'Fraggle Rock' to feel safe writing for the characters. So a Fraggle sketch is naught but a wishful hope.

(Unless you'd like to write one that I could put in, that is.)

I am not a writer but I guess I could try

 

[mbmfrog]

Man, this is a great idea for a holiday show.


I mean the it feels like an actual episode of the Muppet show and I enjoy the interactions between the Muppets and their Sesame Street pals.

Please do keep up the good work upon such a great idea for a holiday story.

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

I am not a writer but I guess I could try

Thanks! Just write out the lines and what the set looks like and I'll adapt it to the script.

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

Proving that I am running out of Christmas puns, it's:

The Muppet Christmas Show!
Part 6​

FADE IN on Kermit in front of the curtain.
　

KERMIT
Next, I take great pride in
introducing two old friends from
Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert!

　​

SFX: APPLAUSE

　​

GROVER slowly slides in.
　

GROVER
Excuse me, froggy baby.

　
KERMIT
What is it, Grover.

　
GROVER
Well, Ernie and Bert are
not ready yet.

　
KERMIT
Why not?

　
GROVER
They took a wrong turn and
are now locked in the boiler room.

　
　
KERMIT
In light of the other problems
that’s not so bad. I’ll go deal with it.
You stall.

　​

Kermit rushes off leaving Grover alone. Grover slowly looks out at the audience.
　

GROVER
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
Hello, there, it’s you old pal,
Grover and I think I will just
move slowly offstage now.

　​

Grover slowly slides off, but is stopped by Fozzie, who pushes him back on.
　

FOZZIE
What are you doing?

　
GROVER
Leaving the stage.

　
FOZZIE
I thought Kermit asked you to stall.

　
GROVER
He did, but I cannot do that!
I am no good at stalling!

　
FOZZIE
Oh, it’s easy. Watch. Hey, Louie! B-flat.

　​

The band kicks up with an upbeat instrumental.
　

FOZZIE
Do you know how to dance?

　
GROVER
Of course I know how to dance.

　
FOZZIE
Then you can stall! Dance!​

Fozzie begins to dance.
　

GROVER
Oh! I get it!

　​

Grover joins in.
　

FOZZIE
See, you’re stalling!

　
GROVER
(TRIUMPHANT)
I am stalling!

　​

Kermit runs in.
　

KERMIT
You can stop stalling.

　​

The music dies down and Fozzie stops, but Grover keeps on going.
　

GROVER
But, I have just gotten into
the swing of it, froggy baby!

　
KERMIT
You can swing later, when we get
to your spot. Now, a recreation
of a classic sketch, Ernie, Bert and
their snowman!

　​

Kermit rushes Fozzie and Grover offstage as the curtains open revealing a snowy field, Ernie, Bert and a newly made snowman.
　

ERNIE
(HUMMING)
There! How’s that Bert?

　
BERT
That is a terrific snowman, Ernie.
Now let’s go home, I’m hungry.

　
ERNIE
But, Bert! We can’t leave the snowman here!
What if he gets cold or hungry, Bert?

　
BERT
Ernie! He’s a snowman he can’t
get hungry or eat.

　
SNOWMAN
Actually, I am feeling a bit peckish.

　
ERNIE
Excuse me, Mr. Snowman…

　
SNOWMAN
Chuck.

　
BERT
What?

　
SNOWMAN
My name is Chuck.

　
ERNIE & BERT
Chuck the Snowman?

　
CHUCK
You act like you’ve never heard
the name before.

　
ERNIE
I always thought that snowmen had
names like Frosty or Snowy.

　
CHUCK
Shows what you know.

　​

Kermit rushes on.
　

KERMIT
I hate to break up the conversation,
but we need to get back to the sketch.
And, Chuck?

CHUCK
What?

　
KERMIT
Don’t talk!

　​

Kermit runs off and Chuck freezes (forgive the pun).
　

ERNIE
Bert?

　
BERT
Yeah?

　
ERNIE
Do you remember where we were?

　
BERT
No.

　​

Scooter runs up with his clipboard.
　

SCOOTER
(TO BERT)
Snowman doesn’t get hungry.

　
CHUCK
Says you.

　​

They all turn to Chuck and he freezes again.
　

BERT
Thank you.

　
SCOOTER
No problem.

　​

Scooter runs off and Ernie and Bert continue.
　

BERT
Ernie! He’s a snowman he can’t
get hungry or eat.

　
ERNIE
But, you got hungry, Bert.

　
CHUCK
(QUIETLY)
So did I.

　​

Ernie and Bert decide to ignore Chuck’s complaints.
　

BERT
Oh, but Ernie, he’s not alive.
He’s made out of snow.

　
CHUCK
So?

　
BERT
There’s a difference between things
that are alive and things that aren’t.

　
CHUCK
Namely, the ability to converse.

　​

Kermit rushes on again.
　

KERMIT
Hold! Hold! Stop the sketch!

　
CHUCK
Why?

　
KERMIT
Because you, Chuck,
are not supposed to talk!
I thought we had made that
clear! I’m sorry, Ernie! I’m
sorry, Bert! But this sketch
cannot continue!

　
ERNIE
But, what can we do if we can’t
do the sketch?

　
CHUCK
We could sing a song.

　
BERT
That could work.

　​

The band kicks up with ‘A Holly Jolly Christmas’ and Kermit leaves, shaking his head.
　

CHUCK​

Have a holly, jolly Christmas,
It’s the best time of the year.

　​

ERNIE & BERT​

We don’t know if there’ll be snow,
But have a cup of cheer.

　
ERNIE
Have a holly jolly Christmas,


BERT
And when you walk down the street,


ERNIE
Say ‘hello’ to friends you know,​

　
BERT​

And everyone you meet.

　​

ALL​

Ho, ho the mistletoe,
Hung where you can see,
Somebody waits for you,
Kiss her once for me!

　​

CHUCK​

Have a holly jolly Christmas,
And in case you didn’t hear,
Oh, by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas,
This year!​

　
BACKSTAGE
Kermit stands behind the desk, still shaking his head.
　

KERMIT
We should have made the snowman
out of Styrofoam.

　​

As Ernie, Bert and Chuck enter form onstage, Kermit hit’s the intercom button and Rowlf walks up to Kermit.
　

KERMIT
Penguins onstage, please.

　​

Almost immediately, a stampede of penguins rushes onstage, trampling Rowlf.
　

KERMIT
Rowlf! Are you alright!

　​

Rowlf stands up and brushes himself off.
　

ROWLF
I’m fine. But, I have good news
and bad news.

　
KERMIT
(EXASPERATED SIGH)
Alright, what’s the good news?

　
ROWLF
Gerald just woke up.

　
KERMIT
Fantastic! Uh, what’s the bad news?

　
ROWLF
He doesn’t know who he is.

　
KERMIT
What?

　​

STAGE
The stage has been turned into a frozen wasteland. Bleak, desolate, windy, cold and the perfect place for the next song. As snow begins to fall the penguins begin to sing:
　

PENGUIN​

Oh, the weather out here is frightful,
And a fire would be delightful,
But, since we‘ve no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

　​

PENGUIN #2​

It doesn’t show signs of stopping,
And the temperature is dropping,
The light is getting low,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.​

　
PENGUIN #3​

When we finally beak good night,

　​

PENGUIN #4​

How I hate being out in this storm,

　​

ALL​

But, if we really huddle tight,
All through the night we’ll be warm,

　​

PENGUIN #5​

For a fire, we’re still trying,

　​

PENGUIN #6​

And a walrus we are spying,

　​

ALL​

And the wind is starting to blow,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow,

　​

PENGUIN #3​

When we finally beak good night,

　​

PENGUIN #4​

How I hate being out in this storm,

　​

ALL​

But, if we really huddle tight,
All through the night we’ll be warm,

　​

PENGUIN #5​

For a fire, we’re still trying,

　​

PENGUIN #6​

And a walrus we are spying,

　​

ALL​

And the wind is starting to blow,
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow?

　​

BALCONY
　
Statler and Waldorf have been replaced by two penguins.
　

STATLER PENGUIN
Well, what’d you think of that?

　
WALDORF PENGUIN
I thought it was kind of fishy!

　
BOTH
(QUACKING LAUGHTER)​

On Christmas: The BIGGEST part yet! The Count! The Twelve Days of Christmas! The Trouble with Santa! And (hopefully) Fraggles!​

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

Sorry the last part isn't here yet.

I've been a little busy getting headaches about a Christmas special I was making. (My editing software crashing and lack of time to finish didn't help.)

But, enough of my ridiculous little problems!

The last part should be up tomorrow.

(And to unclematt, there's always next year for Fraggles!)