Special Guest Star: Clint Eastwood Pops is standing behind his desk, throwing darts at a dartboard. Clint Eastwood comes through the door, Pops turns his attention to him. Pops: Hey, who are you? Clint: (Squinting and looking mean) I’m Clint Eastwood, tonight’s guest on your show. Pops: Clint Eastwood! Hey, I know you from all those spaghetti westerns! Say, you’re the fastest, most accurate gunman in showbiz. Can you show me how you do it? Clint: (Pulls out a six-shooter and takes aim at the dart board. He shoots, but hits a lamp three feet to the right of the board). Pops: Well, I hate to say it, but it looks like you may have lost your touch! Clint: Why do you think I agreed to be on this crummy show? (Laugh track) (Clint walks away). Kermit: It’s The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Clint Eastwood! Muppet Show Theme Gag: Gonzo blows his horn, but it only gurgles and water comes out. He looks at the water, and then at the camera and says, “Guess I should’ve checked my spit valve!” Kermit: Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! We have a great show here tonight because our guest is one of the most rock-em, sock-em cowboys ever to grace a movie screen, Mr. Clint Eastwood! (Cheering). But first, love is blossoming and there’s romance in the air and people are singing about it…(moves away as curtain opens). Floyd and Janice are sitting next to each other on a picnic blanket in a pleasant, outdoor setting with trees and bushes. Floyd sings “My Girl” and at the chorus, a bunch of Muppet birds and forest animals appear and join in at the chorus. Song ends, curtains close. Backstage: Kermit is standing at his desk, complimenting Floyd, Janice and animals as they walk past. A raccoon walks up to him and says in a gruff voice, “I don’t usually go for that mushy stuff, but that song really warmed my heart”, and he walks away). Kermit: (Pushing intercom button to his left) Okay, prepare for Clint Eastwood’s opening number! (A bunch of mean-looking Muppet cowboys walk by. One says “We’re going to show that Eastwood how real cowboys do things!” and they exit towards the stage). Clint Eastwood comes out of his dressing room dressed up in cowboy garb. He looks after the Muppet cowboys as they exit. He approaches Kermit. Kermit: Oh, don’t worry about those guys, Clint. We all know that you’re the best cowboy in showbiz. Clint: You know, it’s hard being known as the best. You always get people who set out to become better than you. I just want to be a regular guy like everyone else. Kermit: I think I know what you mean. Clint: Well, I’d better get out there and do this gun-fighting sketch. (Exits towards stage) Stage: Kermit: Okay, folks. Now for the time you’ve all been waiting for--here he is ladies and gentlemen, Clint Eastwood, yaaay! (He exits and curtains rise. The setting is an old ghost town. A Muppet cowgirl is sitting on a fence outside a saloon. She begins singing “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” by Nancy Sinatra. Clint Eastwood walks the streets, and Muppet cowboys randomly pop up and shoot at him. He pulls his gun and shoots back (he’s supposed to hit them, but he keeps missing, shooting out light poles, windows, and other things. Confused, the Muppet cowboys fall anyway (dramatic western style falling off of buildings). By the end of the song, Clint Eastwood is bored and invites all the cowboys for a western style cookout. Everyone gets happy and excited and the curtain falls. Backstage: Cowboys and Clint walk past, chewing and wiping their mouths. Cowboy: Hey, Mr. Eastwood, you’re alright! Anyone who can make chili like that I’ll proudly call a friend! Clint: I’m just glad you had that cayenne pepper. (One cowboy walks past with smoke coming out his ears) Clint: Though it may have been a bit much. It’s Now Time for a Muppet News Flash! Newsman: It has been reported that a dozen cows were seen boarding a plane! Apparently, no one noticed the cows and the plane took off with the cows in it! (Looks at his report) That’s strange, surely someone would notice cows on a plane and kick them off…(distant moos growing louder, and a dozen cows land on the Newsman). Cut to Veterinarian’s Hospital set. The patient is the smoking-eared Cowboy. Dr. Bob: Hey, don’t you know this is a non-smoking facility! Cowboy: I can’t help it, my entire mouth is on fire. Dr. Bob: Hey Nurse Piggy, take this man’s temperature. Nurse Piggy: (Places thermometer in his mouth and takes it back out) Dr. Bob, the temperature is high! Dr. Bob: Yeah, but how’s his humidity? That’s what really gets ya! Dressing Room: Clint is sitting at a desk, fiddling with the brim of his cowboy hat. There is a knock at the door. Clint: Yeah, come in. (Gonzo enters) Gonzo: Hey, Mr. Eastwood. Clint: Hey Gonzo, how are ya? Gonzo: I’m good. Say, Kermit tells me that you’re having trouble accepting your fame as a cowboy. Clint: Yeah, well, it’s tough when everyone looks at you and expects you to be the best. If I ever make a mistake, it’s a hundred times more noticeable than when someone else makes the same mistake. Gonzo: Yeah. You know, I’ve never had that problem. I’m always great no matter what. Clint: You are, huh? Gonzo: Well, yeah…that’s why they call me The Great Gonzo! Clint: I see. Gonzo: You could learn a thing or two from me, Clinty baby. I’m on next, so you watch me and see if there’s anything you can pick up from me. Stage: Kermit: And now folks, I present to you the gauche, the graceless, The Great Gonzo… (Curtain rises) Gonzo: (standing next to a Muppet alligator and a large refrigerator) Thank you, thank you! I will now attempt the inconceivable (cut to Clint watching from backstage, “Oh, this oughta be good). I am going to wrestle this alligator, from inside this refrigerator all while eating a block of gorgonzola cheese to the tune of Wagner’s “The Rise of the Valkyries”! Hit it meistro! (The music begins, Gonzo opens the refrigerator to reveal the cheese. Gonzo and alligator enter and the door shuts. The refrigerator wobbles around and Gonzo makes a lot of noise. Gonzo suddenly bursts from the fridge and cries “Stop the music!” (Music stops) “I can’t go on! This alligator ate my gorgonzola cheese!” (Alligator looks at the camera and shrugs, curtain falls). Backstage: Gonzo enters. Clint: Hey, Gonzo, that wasn’t bad. Gonzo: What are you kidding? It went horribly! Clint: Well, don’t worry Gonzo, I still think you’re great. Gonzo: Well, duh! Stage: Kermit introduces closing number: Clint is hitchhiking down an old dirt road. A Volkswagon Beetle pulls up, driven by the Muppet beetles. He asks for a ride and they begin singing “Baby You Can Drive My Car”. When the song ends, they speed off without Clint. Stage: Kermit thanks Clint Eastwood for being the guest. He says he feels better about himself and Gonzo and Muppet cowboys surround him, one is still smoking by the ears. End theme and credits. I'll be interested to know what anybody thinks. This is my first attempt at an outline. I know it's long but I had fun writing it. Hope you have fun reading it. Thanks.